What now??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: DM
To: OG
Subject: What now??

Hello you, what have you been up to? how are the kids?

I wanted to find out how we are now, you never returned my call, text to tell me to call. Are we done now? I was kind of hoping to give an explanation as to why we didn't get together the last time I was back there, you never gave me the opportunity.

My time here may well be done soon, i'm still not coming back the UK, i'm not ready to come back, but I think it's time to move on. I started that blog that you mentioned, I got a few posts written and quite a few to do but got bored with it, I may just pick it up again soon. You know it's not my type of thing.

DM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: OG
To: DM
Subject: Re: What now??

I don't know how I am. Functioning. Lost. Working hard, little else. The kids are kids. X another year older, Y soon to be.

I was hurt about your visit, or rather lack of it, really hurt, and really angry too, but mostly I guess resigned to the situation. I didn't return your text because I didn't want to have a pointless, hurtful, horrible conversation. I don't want that for either of us. You could have called with an explanation when you cancelled. Even a quick 5 minutes. But its not really about that, the explanation, its that you didnt make an effort, at all, after everything. And if you'd really wanted to explain, you could have done that, you know you could. I'm still here.

You know, I had planned to shut my blog. Change my phone numbers. Change my email address. Generally shut you down completely. I haven't. I don't know why not. I don't know why I'm replying now.

I guess, really, its not about the call, or the visit, or any of those specifics. It's about the fact that I love you and you don't love me, and that's really what it all boils down to. I'm not blaming you for that, and maybe in a way I'm no longer blaming myself for that either.

I've spent this long trying because I really believed we could fix it, or maybe that I could fix it, if we just spent time together, if I could make you believe I was serious. Not in some naive and fantasy way that everything would suddenly be rosy, but just that it was right, and it was worth it, and we could make it work, even with the situation.

After my visit, I can't do anymore than I've done to make that happen. There's nothing left. I came. I saw you. I told you. I listened to you. And still I believed. Still I hoped. My last stand I guess!! And it wasn't enough.

You ask if we're done now? I don't know. I haven't magically stopped loving you overnight. I haven't stopped thinking about you every day. I haven't stopped having a space that never gets filled. But I have stopped hoping, and wishing, and waiting. Because, now, what's the point? Because you don't feel those things about me. And there's nothing left that I can do to change that.

So where does that leave us?

All along there has been a point to all of this, for me at least. A journey with a clear end in sight. If there's no end, what's the point of the journey?

There's so much of me that wants to say to you "Don't worry. It's cool. We'll still be friends. We'll still catch up occasionally.". So much of me that wants to know about your blog, that wants to know about your life, that wants to be a part of yours. But I've said all along, I can't do that with you.

Even though I'm tempted to take what I get, and even though I can't actually imagine a life without you in it, and even though I wish you love and joy, I don't think I can be your friend unless you're single. I just absolutely couldn't deal with that. And you're not going to stay single forever. I could cope with P. Even understand it. But I couldn't cope with someone else. Someone who isn't me.

Maybe that will change, after all who knows what's around the corner. Maybe I'll get in touch one day to tell you 'I'm happy, I'm in love, I hope you are too', but I can't promise that and I can't pretend.

It makes me sad that you're still "moving on", because you're going to run out of places to move on to and nothing will have changed. It makes me sad that we can't have the life I think we both want. It makes me sad that you're not coming home. And it practically fucking kills me that this all feels a bit too much like the end of the road. Perhaps that's why I didn't respond. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I'm just not sure there is any other way. I wish there was.

None of that is probably what you wanted to hear, and none of it probably makes any sense, and I'm sorry I can't just forget and move on. I'm sorry that, for whatever reasons, I can't give you what you want. Really, I guess, I'm just sorry.