PS 1

I don't believe I will ever be married, but I love to watch real life wedding tv. I always wonder how they do it.

What it is to be me

My ability to over analyse and the depth to which my emotions are attached to this over analysis sometimes astounds even myself! Let’s take the last week or so as a case in point:

Monday – I send JB a thought out and non-threatening quick text to let him know I have collected theatre tickets (which I actually collected 4 days before) and so we are “good to go on Saturday”. He replied, we had a brief text chat, including him saying he was looking forward to it.

Result – one happy and confident OG.

Tues, Wed, Thurs day – Some constant rumbling through my brain of whether I want this, whether I’ll get this, whether I am too completely incompetent in relationships, whether he views this as friendship, yadeyadeyada.

Result – pootling along in the day to day.

Thurs 8pm – a text from him saying hi and asking how I was and hoping all is good.

Result – initially happy and smiley OG again, later mingled with the beginnings of doubt that this is what I want, that I am only interested in the chase and not the relationship, some mild anxiety that this may work and some that it won’t.

Thurs 11pm – text him back after getting in from work.

Result – feeling very grown up and in control at having waited to text him and thereby demonstrating that I am not some sad psycho stalker.

Thurs 11.15pm – log on to Facebook, to read comment from himself on his page earlier in the day, saying he’s had a great day including a “kiss from a princess”.

Result – immediate and horrible anxiety that he has met somebody and that I am clearly in friend category, followed by anxiety that if this is the case I now have to go to the theatre with him and pretend happy and nice, followed by annoyance at him and myself for thinking otherwise, mixed in with some sensible reasoning that he is probably talking about a friend’s daughter or some other such completely irrelevant happening.

Thurs 11.20pm – read comments on his page from a close male friend of his, referring to another OG named commenter, and saying “is that the OG you said about?” followed by JB’s response of “no mate, different OG”.

Result – am muchly happy that he has obviously been talking about me to his close male friend, which is just fabulous because that means I am important, and smile, smile, smile. before contented and settled sleep.

Friday 8am – woke to a text on my phone that he has updated his Facebook status.

Result – beginning onset of anxiety that he has not replied to my text sent last night.

Friday 8.30am – still no text response from last night.

Result – beginning to think that perhaps he is talking to his friend about me in a bad way. Anxiety that he has expressed concern about how I have been with him, that he has asked how he can extract himself from situation, that somebody else has been advising him about me, in a bad way.

Friday 9.30am – comment casually on his Facebook status, he replies equally casually and saying nothing of any significance good or bad.

Result – getting myself increasingly worked up about what to read and what to disregard, a recap and continual repeating cycle of all of the previously mentioned feelings from last night and this morning, including a frustration with myself for the constant over analysis and the inability to switch of my brain, a complete inability to focus on anything at work, combined with the need to constantly check phones and Facebook, as well as to spill this into Blogland.

The benefits of which, I guess, are a vaguely interesting, if slightly embarrassing post!

Maelstrom

Last night I went to bed full of fluff! Figuratively speaking of course.

I'd had a pretty good day, after a relaxing weekend, and it was topped off by a brief but pleasant text chat with JB confirming the 12th for our hot date. So I settled to bed calm, content, and full of pleasant thoughts of times to come and the delightfulness of new men.

This morning however, it was not new loves that crept unbidden into my dreams but old ones.

I woke in a whirl of emotions from an all too real dream that involved, in brief, the return of the man that was and a gradual reawakening of us after a weekend spent together which culminated in me losing him in a crowd.

It has taken me all day to shake a strange sense of impending trouble. I have spent the morning restless, anxious, and with a turbulence in my stomach that was not related to any digestive issues in any way.

It frustrates me that my subconscious can betray me in this way. That it can let my past creep into my present, albeit through my dreams only, and that I can be affected by something that is long since dead. It's ridiculous that something as small as a dream, which means nothing, absolutely nothing at all can send me into a spin for nearly an entire day. It's certainly a good job I don't believe in premonitions, because if I did I'd be predicting a showdown where I'm forced to choose between the old and the new.

I so want to choose the new and forget the old ever existed, but it unnerves me how much it shakes me. As I said, it's a good job I don't believe in the power of dreams, no matter how real they seem.

Lets hope for a more peaceful night tonight.

What a difference a day makes

Yay!! I am happy again. I finished my last assignment for my module today, and am soooo glad it is now done, submitted and out of the way! Even better that I have no more studying until September. Am so glad of the break. With work, and life in general, being what it is at the moment it's one less pressure.

Plus, I have a date with JB!!!! Yay. Well, he probably won't be calling it a date but I am, lol. We are going to see Midsummer Nights Dream at our local theatre on Saturday 12th June, courtesy of the free tickets I got today (along with free family ticket for the Christmas show!) for attending a 2 hour focus group. Hooray for free stuff. And double hooray for inviting JB and he, for bloody once, saying yes.

Happy, happy, happy!!

Funk

I am feeling really, really grumpy today - increasingly so as the afternoon wears on. I am so bored of fucking issues and hot and cold and bothering with people who really have no interest, or cannot decide what they want. I'm just fed up of it!

Happy Birthday

I have had, and I am sure have yet to come, a very hard week. Work is relentless at the moment and is really taking it's toll, and on top of that I have not been sleeping at all well. So, last night, armed with a good book and Ann Summers finest Pulsatron I decided to administer some medicinal light relief! I was half expecting the mission to fail, but surprisingly the blast off was extremely effective.

However, at point of detonation, and in those few minutes of the world resettling I was really, really reminded that I have had no really decent orgasms since DM, and that I can't deny we had, for the most part, some of the best sex I have ever had. This, for some inexplicable reason (which I attribute to my spunk addled (minus the spunk) brain) kickstarted the thought and I was overwhelmed with the desire to tell him so. So, after a record ten months of no contact, I texted him.

Stupid? Yes probably! Pointless? Most definitely! Regrettable? Absolutely not!

I'm at a point now where I fully accept that he is in my past and will never again be a part of my present or future, so to be honest, contact with him is really not that big a deal to me.

Half an hour ago, for no reason that is at all apparent, I suddenly realised that yesterday was his birthday. Without any thought at all, and completely unknowingly, I texted him on his birthday. Or rather, I texted him smut on his birthday.

That has kind of freaked me out a little.

Men!

Bloody men!

And they say women are complicated and difficult to work out!!!

Grrr - how hard is it to just get on with things?

Sheesh!

Loss

Well the JB story continues...

After a relatively quiet week or so on his side, we had a brief and unremarkable chit chat commentary on Facebook (whatever did I do before it!) which preceded the following conversation:

JB - Hi hun, worked last night, have had a shite day, heard a couple of songs that my *dead son would've liked, but hey ho x miss him so much.

OG - Aw bless you honey. Glad you worked but sorry that you having a sad *dead son day today. I can't possibly imagine how you feel. Do you want to chat? x x x

JB - Never been one to chat hun, but thank you. It don't get any easier, excuse my grammar!

OG - I thought you might say that. Maybe one of these days, might do you some good. Besides, I can chat for both of us, lol. Much love to you honey, anytime x x

JB - Big huge cuddles for you OG. I am attracted to you in a massive way, but, always a but, since *dead son I can't feel anything

OG - I'm sure he wouldn't want that for you honey, and just because we let new people in it doesn't mean we let the others go. Maybe one day , eh? xxx

JB - Yeah one day, not to far away I hope, think about you often hun x

I am pleased that he's acknowledged some attraction, which at least means I'm not completely lunatic and deluded (well not in this instance anyway!), but frustrated that he is letting his grief stop him from moving forward with life, (though I know I'm a fine one to talk about not moving forward!), and thinking it's bloody typical that I always pick the "complicated" ones! Mostly though, I'm just sad for him. Sad as I would be for any of my friends. Sad about the situation he is. Sad that he has had to, and is continuing to, suffer this loss. In all honesty, just sad.

True colours

I have gone red. Very, very, very red!

Of the hair, of course.

Pictures may follow - if I'm brave enough to keep it!