Friday....!!

I started the day, along with the weather, a little gloomy!

However, pleased to report that the sun is now shining, the delightful SG is randomly texting me lovely compliments, and flirting by email is going on with DB.

Oh, how I love the shallow affirmation from unavailable men :-)

Hot and Cold

So the day started hot, hot, hot with SG, and has ended with an extremely cool JB. What does it take to find a decent, and consistent, and single man these days?

How old?

This morning, if you had been passing by my town centre workplace at the exact right time you would have spotted me snogging SG in a doorway. I really really have no self control!

Sweet dreams are made of...

I really should not engage in two hour long conversations, which include reference to naked men (note men, not man), with SG just before bed...!

Night folks!

Hush now

SG has been texting again this weekend, a little too full on and a few missed (on purpose) calls as well. I've responded politely and then ignored the middle of the night ones - just can't be bothered with it really.

Reverse countdown

Blimey, it seems I have so much to write that it feels like an onerous task instead of enjoyable blogging! As such, I may just precis in order to get it all down (well that and the fact that I'm a rubbish writer!).

Wednesday...
Went to the award ceremony in London, which was spiffing! The place is a small conference centre thing, right next to Westminster Abbey, in a place called Dean's Yard. Yard being an ironic term, as it has it's own security gates to get into this private square, with a large (and I mean large) lawn in the centre, conference centre on one side, Westminster Abbey opposite, and then residential/business premises either side, with Big Ben visible over the rooftops on the right hand side. It was amazing to be honest. Just so peaceful, you would never have guessed you were right in the middle of London!

So, we did the ceremony, had lots of pictures taken, got our certificate and then headed off to Harrods for a look around. After some browsing and buying (browsing only from me!) three of us headed to a little pub in Knightsbridge while the other three headed off to H&M! We finally got on a train home about 7pm, and I eventually arrived home, absolutely shattered, around 8.30pm. It was a good day though!

Thursday...
Blah, blah, blah. Work, work, work.

Friday...
Blah, blah, blah. Work, work, work.

Saturday...
After a hectic day of swimming lessons (X), junior league bowling (Y), and the horrors of town in the run up to Christmas, Saturday night I was out with Bea to see a band in a nearby town. Interestingly, SG was scheduled to be joining us but I was expecting him to bottle it and back out at the last minute. Lo, and behold, though, he turned up as planned, with wife and wife's friend as well.

This is the first time I had seen him since July, when we shagged, and we haven't even had a great deal of text or phone chat, so I was a little unsure how he'd be. Things seemed to be fine though, with no obvious atmosphere, and about half way through the night he rang me in the bar whilst he was outside for a fag, so we managed to get some time alone. To talk, before you think it!

He'd had a bit of "dutch courage" by this point, but basically he said how good it was to see me, that he was glad we were all cool, that although he loved his wife what had happened between us had been really special to him, that he still thought about me a lot, that he'd never done anything like that with anybody else and it mean't a lot to him, and ya de ya de yah. To be honest, it was quite nice to hear, and I do believe absolutely genuine, although I would have been cool without it. It was quite clear that he'd felt bad about it, but that he didn't regret it, and that he didn't want me to have felt bad about it. At that point, Bea came out looking for us, so the conversation veered quickly elsewhere, and we didn't really get a chance to chat again.

They (SG, wife, wife's friend) left not long after, at about the point I whispered to him "You'd better get going soon, because I'm starting to get the horn", which saw him dashing up and trying to usher 2 drunken women home! We had several hugs goodbye though, and whispered reassurances that everything was cool, and I was pleased with how it went. I miss catching up with him to be honest, not to mention the added bonus of the eye candy of him and a bit of a flirt.

That turned out to not be all though, as texting resumed not long after he left, which I will leave for the other blog. Needless to say, nothing physical happened, but although I was convinced it was unlikely to again, now I'd say it may take a time for him to get his head round things, but there is a stronger likelihood that given the right situation it might just repeat itself. Who knows! I'm not that bothered either way really, though seeing him has kickstarted my libido again I must say, and I'm pretty sure I'd revisit the situation!

Sunday...
After a late night of texting, I had a very lazy day yesterday, only venturing out for Macdonalds and to have a quick peek at how "my" house building is getting on! Ended up not being able to get to sleep last night though - partly a very long lie-in and partly a head full of horniness!

Monday...
Woke up this morning to X telling me that the cat had been bleeding all over the sofa, and on further investigation it seems to be the same place as the abcess he had a month ago. Don't really know what to do about it, as I took him to the vet's last month and he had a weeks worth of antibiotics and it seemed to have cleared up. He hasn't scrathed all the fur off yet, and there is no obvious swelling or pus, like last time, so I will just see how he goes over the next couple of days.

Spent today, at work, visiting some of the parlours in my hometown and Saturday night's local town, which is always eye opening, so work was good. Had a call this morning from the Mortgage Broker to say I needed to get a form filled in by the local housing association about the property, which seems a bit premature, as I haven't actually been offered it yet! Also to tell me I need to send it with a cheque for £190 valuation fee. Oh joy! Then, bloody ironically, the new housing association that has taken over all the council's housing stock rang me this afternoon to offer me a house transfer! Sodding typical! So, now I don't really know what to do.

The transfer they have offered me is in an area I wouldn't particularly want to live in, but it is a 3 bedroom and is, apparently, "a very, nice, clean and tidy house". I think I might go and see it, and try a bit of delaying tactic until I hear from the shared ownership housing association. I really want to proceed with the house buying thing, but if that falls through then I will be kicking myself that I refused a transfer. It's just so annoying that they've decided to offer it to me now, instead of 6 months ago!!

Murphette's Law

Well, as expected, the fact that I was prepared for shagging mean't, of course, that no offer was forthcoming! Typical!!

In fact, I haven't even had a response from SG, which I'm a tad miffed about I have to admit. I suspect he will text/call when he is next in a safe environment (ie. at work and away from the wife!), as he told me once before that he sometimes deletes texts without even reading them when he's with her, as she has a tendency to read his phone. Like I'm not discreet enough to ensure that anything I text always sounds merely light and friendly!!

In other news, it was my dad's birthday yesterday, so today we had family lunch with him, his partner, her grandson, my brother D, his new girlfriend A, me and X (Y at his dads). While I'm glad that he has found someone after my mum buggered off, his partner Minnie does my bloody head in!!!! She is such a bloody moaning cow! (Says me, lol). One of the choicer snippets of conversation today...

Minnie - need to know what you all want for Christmas.
Me - haven't really thought about it to be honest. Oh, actually I do know what I want...
Minnie (interrupting) - well just remember that I'm not working now!

FFS!!! That really pisses me off. Last year for Christmas I asked for some new saucepans, the year before I asked for a new washing basket. Yeah, I know, I'm the queen of asking for really expensive presents aren't I?!

So, I told her that I wanted a new cordless phone, to be met with the kind of look that said "How much?!", which I quickly quantified with - "you can get them for about £15 you know". Her reply... "Yes, well, they're bound to be no good though!". I tell you, I was that close to saying "Do you know what, don't fucking bother then!!".

Passing it up

After an early night, I feel a bit better this morning.

I love my job, and my team - and I'm lucky that both the team and the senior management level are always really positive about the service and my work. I just seem to be unable to catch up at the moment, and after a day of flying round like a mad thing yesterday I had an incident with two staff members that upset me. It was something and nothing, to be honest, I was less than tactful - they were both offended. We did discuss it later by phone, and allis sorted now, but it just really got to me, on top of all the other work, and I would hate for any of my team to feel underappreciated - that's what upset me the most I think. Anyway, I have it more in perspective now, so will continue the battle and then look forward to over 2 weeks off at Christmas!

Sexy Gardener rang last night, and despite the wine (perhaps because of?!) I ignored his call. He may have just been ringing to pass the time of day, but at 9pm on a Friday night - I doubt it was chatting on his mind!

Not sure how I feel about it really. I had written it off as an itch that had been scratched, and whilst not denying the possibility of a revisit, I had thought it was unlikely, or would be a while (now I think about it, it's been 3 months today!). There's also a suspicion that the first time was fabulous, and a repeat performance may not live up to that, so I should quit while I was ahead.

So, as a result of all the above, I just couldn't be bothered to get into the conversation, let alone the action, last night - especially considering that the house was a mess, the bed needed changing, I've put on half a stone since then and feel like shit, oh, and I have the equivalent of a small forest growing in my knickers!

I've text just now, saying I missed his call and hope all is well, so will wait and see. I might just be persuaded tonight...

Ah bless!

Been feeling fine about the SG thing really, not a jot of regret, or of hankering for a repeat. Just completely cool with the situation. That said, it was nice to recieve this out of the blue today...

Hiya pickle, hope you're good. I hope we can still be friends. I have bured (??bored/buried?? - anyone??) myself this week for the connection we made. I hold it in my heart. I hope we can still chat from time to time Are we cool?

How do, chicken. Course we cool, you daft sod :-) Glad to hear you're working hard (for some reason I thought he meant buried himself in his work?! Doh!). My new gardener came but not anywhere near as sexy ;-) Happy to chat anytime x

Thank you.

All well and good, but for goodness sake man! It was just a bloody shag!!

SG - The visit

So, the door knocks. I hesitate, not for long if I'm honest, and descend down the stairs to open the door.

In he comes, some chastisement from me for not doing as he was told and staying away, a coffee, the sofa, some chatting - sexual and not, some flirting - harmless and not, and eventually the corny line... "I don't know whether I should go, or if I should ask to kiss you". (From him, not me!!). A little flurry, flurry, but the kiss comes. And fucking nice it is too.

One kiss becomes snogging, snogging becomes removal of my top, removal of my top becomes removal of my bra, removal of my bra becomes fondling, licking and suckling of breasts, more snogging, my hand on his back, his stomach (I fucking love men's stomachs!), a decision to move upstairs - a request from him to put on the black chemise I have mentioned once before in texts and that he has imagined and wanked to many times, request obliged.

So, I'm in the chemise, covered enough to feel comfortable, uncovered enough to feel sexy, and he's flat on his back on the bed in nothing but his boxers, and fuck me that is hot. SG, the fit, fit, fit gardener is lying on my bed with a fucking hard on for me.

Sometimes I want to take control, not in any kind of domination way, but just to do the work and let them enjoy it, and right at that moment I was intent on fucking that man, my way and in my own time. I straddled him - quite the perfect thing for the time and the mood, and set about picking up the kissing where we'd left off. He in the meantime is appreciating the feel of curves and warm flesh under black silk, and I begin to work down that beautiful chest and stomach with an array of kisses, nips and stroking, getting more turned on by the second.

His cock is beautiful, perfect size and in perfect proportion with the rest of him. I work around it for a while, across the stomach, down the thighs, the crease of his groin, but finally lick slowly up that smooth, firm beautiful hard cock. A dip over the head, some swirling around and around, now encasing as much of the length as I can in my mouth, looking up and seeing him watching me. Enough to make me moan at the whole experience.

I could feel some building up in him, and a quickening of breath that told me I probably couldn't do this much longer without him cumming in my mouth. A split second decision later that much as that would be fucking hot, I wanted him in me, not in my mouth, and so I eased off and replaced my mouth with my hand. Calming everything down, whilst moving myself back up his body.

I replaced his cock with his mouth, whilst sliding myself up and down the length of him before finally hitching my hips high enough to allow his cock to just nudge into me, and then holding it there for a few seconds before slowly, slowly, slowly pushing down and sliding the entire length of him in me. And fuck it felt good. That first moment of entry, fucking drives me mad.

I began to move, slowly but deeply, rocking backwards and forwards to ensure his cock is as deep as possible, whilst dipping my mouth down for the occasional deep, deep kiss, it wasn't long before I could feel him tensing beneath me, and bucking up hard to try and push his cock even further into me. And I cannot explain quite how fucking hot that is. To have a man beneath you, cumming into you, with every fibre of his being tight - fuck, that just drives me crazy in a way I can't explain. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Cum hard, and fast for me anytime folks!! It was almost enough to tip me over the edge, but not quite, so we slowed everything down, let him get his breath back, and laid chatting for a while - not least about his wife.

But damn it's hard to lay next to a perfect specimen of naked manhood, with his spunk dribbling down your thighs, and not just want to fuck him again. So, after a short period of recovery it was his turn to make some effort, and he was soon sliding his cock into me again, this time in missionary.

Afterwards, we agreed that it was what it was, and that no promises were being made or expected on either side, and he left a happy man. And althought it wasn't the longest, the most outrageous or the hottest shag I've ever had, it was good, and to be honest it was needed, and I went to bed with a smile on my face.

But man, I could fuck him again right now!!

Lady Chatterley?

Well hardly, but you may get the idea!!

"Boy's night out" was good last night, Harry Potter was up to the usual standard, bowling was amusing, and they all behaved impeccably. Got home about 11pm, and not long after took a call from SG, who had texted at 8pm asking if he could ring to discuss an idea, and then texted a few times during the course of the evening.

We ended up chatting about this, that and the other for over two and a half hours (his mobile to my mobile - ouch at the costs!!), with some flirting from both of us, some very general conversation, some quite deep discussion, and also him saying he wanted to come over several times. I refused, citing the married man objective, not wanting to be somebody's one night stand, children in the house etc, and we went back to random chatting - some sexual, some not.

At about 1.30am, he said - "I'm coming over, I'll be there in fifteen minutes", and put the phone down. I text him to say not to come over, I was going to bed and turning off my phone. I duly switched of my lights, headed upstairs and waited, half sure whether he would come or not. Fifteen minutes later the door knocks!

A late night text. Or two...!!!

How funny! Had the most bizarre text conversation with SG last night, (again!!) well mostly him texting really as I sparked out at 1am. His typing wasn't quite as exact as mine, so I'm guessing some alcoholic beverages had been consumed!

Hi ya hun! I have a question? Can you tell me the truth? (12.10am)

Hey you. How you doing? So what's the question? (12.30am)

Can a man be at one with himself with one? Or should I not lust? Does my head, my heart or my cock tell me what is true? (12.37am)

Blimey! Bit late for philosophical debates! Will try to answer. If you mean can a man be at one with himself with just one woman, then yes, if its the right woman. Everybody lusts, its natural, to a certain degree! Always your heart. Something up? (12.50am)

Nothin up. Just up. I'm just thinking on. Are you ok? Am reading a good book at the moment. Bit over my head but good still. Have you spoken to Bea? (1am)

I am a man. Lust is my want. I want it and want it in return. I have a fetish that you know of! (1.50am)

Are you still there? (1.56am)

I hope to think what you're wearing! If I don't hear from you can I call you? (2.12am)

Missed call (2.28am)

OG... (2.51am)

Missed call (3.01am)

This morning...
Sorry SG, sparked out about 1am so didn't know anything else til this morning. Just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. Are you okay? Will text you later from work.

Lunchtime today...
Hiya hun, can I catch you when I catch you. Have had a death in the family. Don't want to talk to anyone. Text you soon x

He really is a very strange kettle of fish!!


Didn't stop me dreaming about us sneaking into a room at his house during a BBQ and snogging the life out of each other though!! Hehehe!

Gardener's delight

I briefly mentioned SG (and the lack of gardening - damn him) yesterday, but the text conversation was a little more detailed than that, so am finally getting round to posting that too.

After the last bout of flirty texting, I hadn't heard from him for a while, and was fully expecting that when we picked up contact again "those conversations" would be relegated to the annals of history, never to be mentioned again. It seems I was wrong...

Hello SG. Hope you good. Long time no see! Just wondered if you could come do garden. Grass is ridiculously long, hedge too, and ivy climbing in my kitchen window! I get paid on Friday so now might be a good time :-)

Hi ya gorgeous. What you wearing?? Tee hee. No but really, what you wearing..?? I am all good. Very busy. Big soz but I am no longer doing soft landscaping. Meant to text you to let you know. I am shit, sorry! Are you good? What you been up to? xxx etc.

Are you still talking to me or have I pissed you off??? (8.21pm)

Course not! I'm at work, and driving. Will text properly later x

Nice. xx (8.25pm)

I know you're at work but I can text you if that's ok? I have just got out of the bath after a very long, very heavy day, and am wearing not a lot at all. Tee hee xxx (8.50pm)

Just stopped for two minutes. You bloody tease :-)

What time do you knock off? I thought you liked to be teased ;-) (9.02pm)

About 11pm. And I do!

Will set my alarm, I'm very tired, and will get some kip. Me too. Am dry now and am chilling in my dressing gown. Nothing on but that! (9.12pm)

I'm between the sheets now, all clean and content! Well almost! Text you later. Don't work too hard. xxx (9.26pm)

Hiya. Have just been told to get up. Hope you're okay and nearly home. Text me when you are. x (11.12pm)

I woke up with a bit of a handful!! (11.19pm)

Not sure what to do. Scratch my itch or wait??? What do you reckon...???? (11.31pm)

I'd scratch! Only just on my way back and not sure I should be encouraging you! You on your own tonight?

Yep, on my own! I think I will wait if that's ok with you?? Drive careful. Are you alone too? (11.40pm)

Suppose I am a pest! If you want me to piss off, just say the word?? xx (11.49pm)

Am finally home! So what's brought all this on SG? You're so never gonna be able to look me in the eye when you see me next...

Why do you say that? Will you me? (12.09pm)

I mean no harm to anyone. Suppose I am a flirt. I just like to feel like I might be attractive to someone. Male thing I suppose. (12.15am)

I know. And no harm done to me. Nothing wrong with a bit of flirting, but would hate you to feel bad when I see you. And of course you're attractive! To lots of people actually! x

You're not that good a girl!!! I know. But yes, you're right as usual. I should just go to sleep and see you when I see you. I do often think of when I text you late one night, you told me you were in bed and wearing a silky camisole. Can I keep that image? I use it a lot!! (12.28am)

You're right... I'm certainly not that good a girl ;-) But the reason I'm so sensible is because I actually like you a whole lot, and would hate to make you feel bad. Even if it's not until the 'morning after' :-) So the occasional harmless flirt is fabulous, but am being careful. You certainly can use that image as often as you like! Along with any others you can come up with! Have to admit I may have a few of you myself ;-) And no, I'm not telling! x

Cheers pickle. Catch you soon. Have to be up in 5 hours. Sweet dreams. xxx (12.40am)

Ok. Get some sleep. Always a pleasure to catch up. Oh, and rubbish boy... what about my garden :-( You'll have to find me a new sexy gardener :-) Night x

Do my best! x (12.42am)

Won't be the same though :-) Catch you soon. etc xx

Really not sure how I feel about this now. Part of me is flattered. Part of me feels sorry for him. And part of me is a little offended. Most strange behaviour!

Welcome to the jungle

Whilst away, and with the torrential rain that has poured non-stop up until the last two days, my garden has grown into a jungle. Grass is knee high, hedge is sprouting outward and upward, back fence is slowly losing a plank at a time, and bloody ivy is now creeping in my kitchen window.

Considering this, and the fact that pay day approaches I thought I'd better get Sexy Gardener round to give it all a tidy up while I can afford it. So last night I text him to tell him of my predicament.

He is no longer doing "soft landscaping"!!!!!

Waaaaaah!! No SG and too much bloody garden!

Drunken texts - you gotta love them!

Especially when you're on the receiving end!!!!

As I mentioned, I had drunk text SG at about 5.30am Saturday morning, saying ... "Hello. bit birthday drunk but you really good bloke. and got some money for you. bye x". (I was quite relieved that it was just that, and that I had retained enough self control to not text 'Hello, you are one fit bloke and quite frankly I would like very much to be sucking your cock right now, to be closely followed by you fucking me senseless with it', which was in fact what I was thinking!) I hadn't heard anything from him and resisted the urge on Saturday to text him and apologise, thereby opening up another text conversation. But no! I was a very good girl, he has been quite cool just lately, and I think he and his wife are seriously struggling again, so I have just let lie.

Got to bed about 2am this morning (damn blogging induced insomnia!!), and had just drifted off into a very bizarre dream involving escaping guinea pigs, rabbits and hamsters (and X's dad and CM incidentally!!) when my phone bleeping woke me up! And who should it be but SG himself...

SG - I bet you £2.38 you're still up!
Me - Haha, you'd better get to the bank then! I've been in bed about 20mins, and was just starting a very weird dream. Quite glad you woke me from it actually. How's you?
SG - I'm good. What was your dream about? I dream't once that I killed a polar bear with corn flakes! I can't believe I am up later than you. Did you go out?
Me - not as weird as yours! It was bout having loads of pets that I didn't know about and not having fed them cos I didn't know they were there. They'd all just escaped! Not been out tonight, no sitter. So what you still doing up?
SG - Fell asleep this afternoon and can't sleep. Pets eh? Mmmm, what are you worrying about? Am I keeping you up? What are you wearing in bed??
Me - Insomnia is a wonderful thing eh? And I'm the only person you thought would still be up! Think it's cos I realised I hadn't fed the fish just before bed. Not worrying about anything. Are you SG? Just a boring silky chemise thing on me tonight I'm afraid
SG - Worry? Me. Try not to. Boring! I don't think so. I reckon you'd look hot. I bet it fits in all the right places. I need to cum and do your garden soon. Have you finished that book yet? What did you think?
Me - Glad you good. You know where I am if you're not. I mean that! Thanks for your belief in my hotness, even if it is wrong. Lol, wondered where that "need to cum... " was going for a minute! Finished book, was tres good. Might have to check out more of his stuff. Got one for you, not a saucy one though I'm afraid
SG - Cheers hun. Got plenty of fantasies if I need to cum. But you know about that. Have you? Look forward to book, I'm slowly reading 1984 at the moment. It's good. Glad you liked the book
Me - Don't worry, there's plenty of stuff in my head! Just need to find someone to do them with! Have to go sleep now, had a very late one last night. Sure I'll be having much more interesting dreams now though. Wonder who'll they'll be about...? ;-) x
SG - Goodnight hun. Sweet dreams
Me - You too. I'm off work Monday if you want to do garden and get money and books. Night pickle x

By which time it's 3.15am and time for the land of nod!

So, very random. As usual with him. And I'm sure a drunken text situation, hehehe. All good though :-)

Another year!

My head is hurting!

For those of you that remembered my birthday, and commented, thank you very muchly. I am flattered :-)

Did I mention my head hurts by the way?

Birthday synopsis...

Tralalalala

• Lots of lovely birthday wishes.
• A relatively easy day of training for work
• Lovely evening with dozen friends, some of whom I haven't seen for a while
• Yummy scrummy chinese food
• Some really nice/cool/thoughtful pressies
• Dancing in favourite pub
• Lots of laughing until early this morning, helped by copius (for me) amounts of plum vodka and ouzo (yes you did read that right!)

More ah than tralalalala

• A wobble - it's a year that I've been officially single, although it took me until 4.20pm to realise I hadn't had a birthday text from that individual. I wasn't expecting one, and I didn't really want one to be honest, that door is closed now, but having the thought and realising the progress that I've made for it to take so long to come is kind of what upset me. (Not sure that makes sense, but there you go!)
• I think I've seriously set the ball rolling in terms of finishing it with CM, which is not a pleasant thing to do, especially not at 5.30am after a birthday night out!
• I drunken text Sexy Gardener :-/ (Nothing too bad on checking this morning, thank god).
• And did I mention my head hurts??

And I'm supposed to be going to a party in home town, followed by a funk night over in local town tonight! Think I'm too old already....

Calm

This is the post I started yesterday, before I read a really nice comment from 'Dave in Chicago', commenting on a post I wrote a month ago about cutting the cord. It prompted me to go back and read what I'd written, and as you can tell from last nights posts, made me sad.

But back to today... Life is pretty calm at the moment. I am feeling very cool about pretty much everything. And not in a bad way!! Cool with the CM situation after M's comments at the weekend. Cool with flirting with M Saturday night. Cool with biding my time for the potential SG action. Cool with my online chatting buddy/potential meet. Even cool(ish) with the lack of my DM! I'm not too used to calm, and generally it doesn't sit well with me, but manic can't be maintained for too long without the lull, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm (which will of course invariably come!!).

The benefit of calm of course is that I have more time for slightly more random blogging; a more general perception into my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc rather than trying to keep up with the complexities of actual life.

So, that said, and in response to some of the comments from my previous post, as well as some recent posts by Joe, I thought I would expand a little on the "Sex" post with a few thoughts on relationships, monogomy, fidelity and maybe even sex in relationships? Who knows, lets just see where the rambling leads....

A couple of you mentioned the R, namely the relationship thing. Just want to get one thing straight. I don't believe FBs, FWBs or casual sex is necessarily the way to go, and I can't stress enough how difficult these types of encounters are to successfully maintain. But they have their time and their place, and can be really rewarding in many instances. That said, though it may seem as if that is all I'm interested in, in fact, what I would like, of course, is to meet somebody (else) who makes me want to dive wholeheartedly into the R!!

That too is not easy to achieve, and while getting a shag is, quite frankly, bloody easy, and getting a "boyfriend" (God I hate that word, sounds like school days!) is actually pretty easy too, finding someone that I want to be with and wants to be with me in equal measure is damn bloody difficult. Factor in the need for mental, emotional and physical stimulation as well as a damn good sex life, and it's no wonder it took me 17 years of relationships to meet that person!!!

And however great FBs, FWBs and casual sex may be, I know from experience that in terms of consistent emotional and sexual satisfaction, there is nothing like having fantastic sex with someone you love and who loves you too. And that can never be underestimated!

It may surprise some of you to know that despite my somewhat 'colourful' past, I am a great believer in my own fidelity. In fact, I'm not, by nature, a cheater. Never have been, doubt I ever will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no complete innocent, I have cheated twice in my life that I can recall. (I'm still trying to work out if fucking MW the other week was cheating on CM?? Maybe. I can see an argument for it being. But to be honest, me and CM are so casual that I don't really believe that it was. Feel free to disagree!). Anyway, back to the point. It's not a massive moral issue, in fact I have encouraged plenty of infidelity in others, but in myself...? No.

The only two times I consider that I truly cheated were on the same boyfriend. A long term boyfriend, Army Boy, who I was seeing for about 9 months before he left the army and moved in with me for another 6months. I genuinely thought the world of him, and still do! He is a great bloke and we had a fantastic time the whole time we were together, but in the end we were just in different places and wanting different things. We called it a day mutually but sadly.

About 3 months into the relationship, with AB away at base for the 3rd weekend in a row, and me feeling like he wasn't that bothered about being with me, I went out for the night with "Smiler", a really really close mate of AB and an ex-boyfriend of mine (it was Smiler that introduced us!), that I was still really close too, and had previously developed a satisfactory (if sporadic) FWB relationship with. And that night he started to get a bit frisky, and I told him not to because I really liked AB, and then he really really piled on the pressure and the guilt trip about how I loved AB more than him now, blah blah blah. And being a sucker, and feeling guilty for rejecting him, and feeling unloved by AB, I shagged him. I didn't enjoy it at the time, I didn't feel good about it at the time, and I felt like fucking shit afterwards. Particularly when I then spoke to BB and he was all "Did you have a good weekend? How's Smiler. I'm missing you, I love you, and so on and so on". And despite the fact that I still believe that given the emotional situation there were some 'extenuating circumstances', I know if it had been the other way round I wouldn't have accepted that, and that in fact I was just guilty, guilty, guilty!!!

So, you think I'd learn my lesson. But a year later, still with AB, when our relationship was all but down the pan, I did it again. With another of his best friends!! This time, with "Jason". Now, Jason and I had been friends for years, and had always had this flirty flirty relationship where we just seemed to always be seeing someone else when the other was single. There was definite chemistry there, and much much later I realised that sub-consciously I'd thought for years that he would be the one person I would end up with. So, I was unhappy, I knew me and AB were about done, he had gone to spend the weekend with his family in London, which I hadn't wanted him to do that weekend, and I knew that ending things was the right thing for both of us at the time, it was still an awfully sad time. Jason had just split up with his long term girlfriend and we went out for the night, as we had done many times before. Went back to mine for a drink and one thing led to another... Unlike with Smiler, it was fantastic. It was like coming home in a way. Emotional, tense, needed, a long time in the waiting. But despite that, and despite the fact that AB and I called it a day later that week, I still cheated, and I still felt awful about it, really really awful.

The only saving grace I have from those two occasions is that AB never found out. In fact, to this day I don't think he knows. Neither Smiler or Jason would be likely to tell him of course!! And I'm so glad for that! Not because of the shit I would no doubt have taken for it, but because it wouldn't have been fair for him to have to deal with that. He didn't need to know. He didn't need to have that potential negative impact on his life and his future.

And that brings me on to the subject of confessing to infidelity. In my opinion, don't!!! It is bad enough to cheat. It is far, far worse to admit to it!! What good does it do anybody?? It is the most selfish thing you can do, I think. To offload all that guilt and pain onto somebody else, especially on to somebody else who is innocent in the whole situation, is just damn selfish!! And people who do, do no more than take their burden and pass it on to somebody else so they can feel better about someting that is their fault!! Just hand it over and pat themselves on the back for being "so honest". Bullshit!! Fuck honesty in that situation. You dealt it, then you deal with it!!

So, that's my experiences with being a cheater. And it doesn't sit well with me. And not only has it felt bad, but I just don't get it!! If you can cheat on somebody, then you aren't with the right person. And if you're not with the right person then get out of it!! I know people may think this is simplistic, and maybe as I get older I can see that sometimes there are other factors that make things more complicated, and maybe some relationships can survive infidelity (to a point!), but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, if I loved somebody I would never, never cheat. I would rather leave first!

When I was with DM, despite the fact that SG was hot, and I did fancy him, of course I did, I would never in a million years have dreamed of doing anything with him. Why would I want to? I had everything, and more, that I could ever have wanted in a partner, what could another man have possibly given me? Why would I even think about putting that all at risk? I wouldn't! It's as simple as that!!

So, yes, I do believe in fidelity, and it's important to me that whoever I end up with (if I ever do of course!!), believes in that too! That said, if other people want to cheat then they can go ahead, that's their choice to make, and I wouldn't condemn people for making that choice. Damn, I've benefited myself from it enough in the past!!! And although I can juggle any amount of potentials and casuals, when it comes to love and R's, I'll stick to just one man thank you!

Well enough of that for today, and back to lighter times...! Having achieved my first successful youtube link yesterday, am getting cocky and posting another one! Just loving this on my cd player right now!!

A bad girl!!

Inspired by the previous texting between SG and me, and under the influence of a few glasses of wine and the typical insomnia (well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!!!), I texted SG in the early hours of Tuesday morning... "And what would you want me to wear anyway x??" Yes I know it was wrong!!! Yes I know I should leave well alone!! Yes I know I am so bad!! But hell, I wanted to know!! (Must say I was kind of expecting a reply that said leather, chains, rubber etc, and was just checking out any potential pervertedness).

SG - Morning hun. Got your text this am. You got little SG up. Ooh, I need options. I like medium to short dresses and skirts. I would need to have a look at a selection. What gets you hot?? On you and on me???

Now I have to say, getting that kind of text in the morning is absolutely conducive to spending the day with damp knickers, but I'm also aware of his situation, and the fact that while he seems to have gone from 0-60 in about 3 seconds, knowing his previous dabbling and then putting the brakes on, I'm kind of expecting that again. But that's all good. I'm not planning on pushing him into anything that is going to cause either of us serious amounts of distress. However, am bad enough to want to see how far he is willing to go at this point...

Me - Damn! Wish I had good legs!! If I was thin and gorgeous I'd wear absolutely anything and everything!! It's been such a long time since I was with anyone long enough to get to that point that I will have to think on it some more... As for what would be hot on you... well that would be me ;-) xx

Oh, I am so bad. Encouraging my gardener in his wicked ways :-) But hey, shoot me! And sure enough, he comes up trumps...

SG - Nice. Think on! You should be more sure of yourself. I think you're hot. Would like to see you in a nice knee length flowing dress. Some nice knickers which you would take off slowly while keeping your dress on. How does that sound??

How does that sound?? How does that sound?? Fuck me now goddamn you!!! I tell you, this is better than I expected, and still waters certainly are proving to run deep! However!!! This is way way further than he's been out before, and I'm aware of that, and I've already decided that if anything more than this is going to happen then it needs to be led by him, because I am not going down the road of being accused of dragging him into a situation. So I decide to test him a little to see how near the back off point is, and I don't reply. Fully expecting a similar response to previously when he's stepped out of the comfort zone (or fucking sprinted out in this case!!!). Sure enough, half an hour later...

SG - I'm bad. I should stop. Can we be mates please??

Kerching!! As expected!! And although a tiny bit of me is a bit disappointed, I know that's a short term irritation, and that if this is going to move up a notch then it needs to be led by him, at his pace, and is likely to be a long way off yet. Each time he edges a little further out before he reigns himself back in, and I'm happy to let things lie as they are. (Besides, it's interesting that he says "I'm bad", not "we're/this is bad", and also that he says "I should stop", not "this has to stop/this must stop"). So, all good, all as expected, and I'm happy to let him settle again (for a while at least!).

Me - Ok. That's fine. Sorry for leading you astray. We all good SG x

SG - Cheers pickle. I'm naughty too. Good to know we cool xx

Me - Yeah, no worries. Don't want to lose a sexy gardener :-) Make sure you come find me if you ever find yourself single though ;-) See you soon x

SG - Will do hun. See you soon xx

So, things with SG on hold for now. But when I look back over our contact in the last 6 weeks or so (especially considering I've known him for over a year), we've come a bloody long long way recently, and I don't think this is the end yet. It's out there now, and it will remain that way, even if we don't mention it for a while. The idea is in both our heads. The acknowledgement of desire has been voiced by both parties. The potential has been set. But let him come in his own time, when the time and the situation is right. I'm not forcing the issue, just opening up the opportunity, and I'm cool with that. I'm not desperate desperate for it, and I don't want something to happen unless he can cope with it, and I really really don't think he's there yet, much as he might like to be! But keep your eye on this space...

PS. I know it may be very boring for you reading my texts, but tough! I like to have them down to look back on, and also to kind of store and then delete from my phone. So I have them to remember if I want, but I'm not distracted by the good ones or burdened by the bad ones by carrying them around in my pocket all day! Kind of like putting them in a safe deposit box I guess!

A brighter day

Feeling much brighter today. Things much more in perspective! Amazing what getting it all off your chest and a good nights sleep can do!! And flirting with SG and knowing I didn't do anything rash with CM helped too of course :-)

Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.

The SG saga continues...

6.42 am this morning. Phone bleeps...
SG - Morning hun, hope you're feeling better this am. Bra or no bra you have a lovely set of boobs. Nice arse too. No, I'm more like 6/7" and I can be a bit brief to start off. Am better 2nd/3rd time around. I do like to be teased & I have a real thing for being dressed up for. Am I wrong?? xxx

Quickly followed by...
Me - That certainly woke me up! Why would that be wrong? You have someone tiny enough (his wife!!) to look good dressed in anything. My arse etc are way better clothed! Trust me! And doesn't everyone like to be teased?? I certainly do! I'm not complaining SG, but you're slowly edging towards a steep slippery slope. Be sure you want to step off the edge before you get there... xx

Half hour later....
Me - Shit. I bet that sounded really bigheaded and wanky! It's all good with me SG. Just want to be sure it's all good with you too. x

SG - You're not being bigheaded. I'm out of order. Soz. You're all good to me. xxx

Me - You're not out of order. I shouldn't encourage it really. Can't help it though :-) You know where I am if you wanna step off that edge. etc ;-) xxx

SG - I know its wrong, but that is why I have to know. What would you wear for me??

SG - Sorry sorry sorry. You don't have to respond to last text. I'm a bad dog. See ya soooon xx

Me - Let's just say... Maybe time will tell...! x

Me - PS. Don't say anthing to mutual friend about me or texting and that. She'd kill me. And probably you! x

SG - No probs x

Most amusing, and definitely a change in pace!! Watch this space... !