I came across this little gem today - very true!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Sometimes, only sometimes...
...I wish I was married. Or rather, I wish I believed that marriage was possible for me. Or rather, if I'm completely, and blatantly honest, I wish I was married to him.
I don't think I am a cynical or negative person, though I acknowledge I have my moments, like anybody else, but I think I am a realist. And marriage, it would seem, is not my destiny - if you believe in destiny at all.
I like to think I may find love again, although my gut tells me it probably won't be for another few years yet, and I like to think I won't spend my life alone. But marriage, that I can never truly believe, I can never really, truly imagine for me.
I did believe once, which surprised me, and the very fact that once upon a few years ago I could genuinely see it, after years of never believing that I would, may, perversely, be the problem.
Despite the fact that I never saw myself getting married, and I was just fine with that, I found someone that I knew that I would vow to spend my life with, but as we all know far too well, that didn't exactly pan out for me. So now, instead of feeling that because I've changed my mind once before it may be possible again, instead I feel that because of that I am even less likely to walk down the proverbial aisle. It's difficult to explain, but I guess I promised myself to him, and even though that was nothing more than a promise made to myself, it was more value than any ceremony could have had. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break that promise, regardless of any love that follows.
It's an odd way to feel. And sometimes, only sometimes, it makes me sad.
I don't think I am a cynical or negative person, though I acknowledge I have my moments, like anybody else, but I think I am a realist. And marriage, it would seem, is not my destiny - if you believe in destiny at all.
I like to think I may find love again, although my gut tells me it probably won't be for another few years yet, and I like to think I won't spend my life alone. But marriage, that I can never truly believe, I can never really, truly imagine for me.
I did believe once, which surprised me, and the very fact that once upon a few years ago I could genuinely see it, after years of never believing that I would, may, perversely, be the problem.
Despite the fact that I never saw myself getting married, and I was just fine with that, I found someone that I knew that I would vow to spend my life with, but as we all know far too well, that didn't exactly pan out for me. So now, instead of feeling that because I've changed my mind once before it may be possible again, instead I feel that because of that I am even less likely to walk down the proverbial aisle. It's difficult to explain, but I guess I promised myself to him, and even though that was nothing more than a promise made to myself, it was more value than any ceremony could have had. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break that promise, regardless of any love that follows.
It's an odd way to feel. And sometimes, only sometimes, it makes me sad.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sonnet 57
"Being your slave what should I do but tend
Upon the hours, and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love, that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill."
William Shakespere, 1609
Upon the hours, and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend;
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,
When you have bid your servant once adieu;
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.
So true a fool is love, that in your will,
Though you do anything, he thinks no ill."
William Shakespere, 1609
Thursday, April 19, 2007
A landmark
I posted a while ago about a humbling day in Blogland, but had not managed to credit the other "fabulous" Blogland landmark (or blog crush as Middy would put it!). This writer has more knowledge and skill for composition, language and the beauty of words in his little finger than I am capable of in my entirety (much to my jealous chagrin), and that day he astounded me with a piece of poetry that is quite simply beautiful. Since then, he has managed to surpass himself, and this piece with yet another one, pushing his writing even further up in my esteem.
So, seeing as life is a little all work and no play at the moment for me, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share the artistry and insight of both these monuments...
Looking For You
I've always been finding the one
Without me really thinking that I'd ever be done
Another mouth to make my own mouth smile
Another mouth
To make it all worthwhile
I've always been seeking you out
Without me ever thinking that my search was in doubt
Another heart to make my half a whole
Another heart
For whom the bell might toll
I've always been looking for you
Without me really thinking that my one could be two
Another pair of eyes to see the light
Another pair
To heal my sore eyes sight
I've always been one of a pair
Without me ever thinking that you wouldn't be there
Another hand to hold that's not my own
Another hand
To make me feel less alone
Likehavewantneed
I'd like to teach the world, but not to sing.
I need to tell them what true love can bring:
A sense of immortality and worth:
The reason I've been put upon this earth.
I have to teach the world, but not to write,
That "she doth teach the torches to burn bright."
I'll thank my God that they've delivered me,
And realise that it was meant to be.
I want to teach the world, but not to read.
I have to tell them that it's love they need:
The sense of culpability and blame:
How things can never truly be the same.
I need to teach the world, but not a song.
I'd like to tell them where they're going wrong:
To trust to serendipity, not fate:
To just believe your heart and conjugate.
PS. You can read more from of this fabulous work here http://allmyownworn.blogspot.com/ .
So, seeing as life is a little all work and no play at the moment for me, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share the artistry and insight of both these monuments...
Looking For You
I've always been finding the one
Without me really thinking that I'd ever be done
Another mouth to make my own mouth smile
Another mouth
To make it all worthwhile
I've always been seeking you out
Without me ever thinking that my search was in doubt
Another heart to make my half a whole
Another heart
For whom the bell might toll
I've always been looking for you
Without me really thinking that my one could be two
Another pair of eyes to see the light
Another pair
To heal my sore eyes sight
I've always been one of a pair
Without me ever thinking that you wouldn't be there
Another hand to hold that's not my own
Another hand
To make me feel less alone
Likehavewantneed
I'd like to teach the world, but not to sing.
I need to tell them what true love can bring:
A sense of immortality and worth:
The reason I've been put upon this earth.
I have to teach the world, but not to write,
That "she doth teach the torches to burn bright."
I'll thank my God that they've delivered me,
And realise that it was meant to be.
I want to teach the world, but not to read.
I have to tell them that it's love they need:
The sense of culpability and blame:
How things can never truly be the same.
I need to teach the world, but not a song.
I'd like to tell them where they're going wrong:
To trust to serendipity, not fate:
To just believe your heart and conjugate.
PS. You can read more from of this fabulous work here http://allmyownworn.blogspot.com/ .
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
A simple truth...
I love nearly all his work. All the mini-truths sought out, crafted and laid out like a piece of his soul itself, laid bare for us to nod at, question, dismiss, agree with and argue against. But today he surpassed himself. Today, he gave me not only the interpretation of a good lover, but a definition of love itself.
"... the best lovers in the world are those who talk. talk about what's inside. and let us in. deep deep within. to a place rich and strange. to the secret centre of their hearts. and make us feel comfortable. and let us stay there. rent free. for as long as we like."
Come on in, pull up a chair, sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, and settle in.
PS. You can read the entire post here ... http://foundfoundfound26.blogspot.com/2007/04/casting-call.html
"... the best lovers in the world are those who talk. talk about what's inside. and let us in. deep deep within. to a place rich and strange. to the secret centre of their hearts. and make us feel comfortable. and let us stay there. rent free. for as long as we like."
Come on in, pull up a chair, sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, and settle in.
PS. You can read the entire post here ... http://foundfoundfound26.blogspot.com/2007/04/casting-call.html
Sunday, April 08, 2007
A simple phone call
Having heard from Lena about Jay, I was quite grumpy this evening, about life and love in general. Disappointed with him, cross with myself for being bothered about him, and most bizarrely really, really angry with DM for leaving me to face all this shit. So I texted him, in temper:
Why couldn't you have just fucking tried!
Tried! Tried what OG? To make you happy? There are things that I can do and there are things that I can't. I'm not willing to dwell on the things I can't do.
Yes tried to make me happy. Like I tried to make you happy. That's what people do when they love each other!
I fully expected (in fact, almost dared) him to reply with "I don't love you!", or to ignore it completely.
A while later...
That's just it, I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. Not you, not anyone else can make me completely happy. I'm doing the best I can.
That's bollocks. And you know it is.
Really! Do you really think that! Where are you? I just tried calling you at home. I'm bored with texting.
Sure enough there's a voicemail on my phone (which was upstairs) saying he'd called and he would try again another time. So I call him, no answer. Then he rings me back.
Some idle chit chat commenced (I can't even remember the detail too much), and we chatted for about 20minutes before he called an end to it. I know I mentioned some things he's probably not completely comfortable with, that's just my way, and I know he gave me very little in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions, but the most significant thing was that despite being so angry when I texted, the phone call was calm, and good, and just so familiar. It was just so fucking good to talk to him!! Like I just saw him last week, like the whole last year or so had never happened. And usually that would both sadden and frustrate me, but, for now, I feel calm and happy that we still connect.
I told him at the end of the conversation that I miss him, and that I love him, which I do - and if anything the ease of that call, (the first time we have spoken in 8 months), confirmed that. It confirmed that though I may have been doubting recently whether a future with him would ever now be possible considering the past, if he stepped back into mine now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we could pick it up and make it work again. Possibly even more easily than I've ever given it credit in fact.
Of course I'm under no illusion that that is likely to happen any time soon, or anytime ever (especially considering the living circumstances), but I'm glad I spoke to him. I hope he is glad he spoke to me too.
I've given up fighting, and trying, and crying and thinking, but I still love him. And although life will undoubtedly go on, I still genuinely, genuinely believe there is no better fit for me AND him than each other. I hope one day he can believe it too.
However much you moan about me prodding you, considering how we've been for a long time, it's scary how easily we just had a conversation, and how good it was to talk to you. For me anyway! I hope for you too. It reminds me we were never about pain and misery, and that we were happy, whether you admit that or not. Even if you never realise it, I still believe your place is with me and always will be. It would be a shame to waste my trip over there.
The bottom line is, rightly or wrongly, that despite being pretty happy in life right now, all the time we don't spend together just seems such a waste.
Why couldn't you have just fucking tried!
Tried! Tried what OG? To make you happy? There are things that I can do and there are things that I can't. I'm not willing to dwell on the things I can't do.
Yes tried to make me happy. Like I tried to make you happy. That's what people do when they love each other!
I fully expected (in fact, almost dared) him to reply with "I don't love you!", or to ignore it completely.
A while later...
That's just it, I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. Not you, not anyone else can make me completely happy. I'm doing the best I can.
That's bollocks. And you know it is.
Really! Do you really think that! Where are you? I just tried calling you at home. I'm bored with texting.
Sure enough there's a voicemail on my phone (which was upstairs) saying he'd called and he would try again another time. So I call him, no answer. Then he rings me back.
Some idle chit chat commenced (I can't even remember the detail too much), and we chatted for about 20minutes before he called an end to it. I know I mentioned some things he's probably not completely comfortable with, that's just my way, and I know he gave me very little in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions, but the most significant thing was that despite being so angry when I texted, the phone call was calm, and good, and just so familiar. It was just so fucking good to talk to him!! Like I just saw him last week, like the whole last year or so had never happened. And usually that would both sadden and frustrate me, but, for now, I feel calm and happy that we still connect.
I told him at the end of the conversation that I miss him, and that I love him, which I do - and if anything the ease of that call, (the first time we have spoken in 8 months), confirmed that. It confirmed that though I may have been doubting recently whether a future with him would ever now be possible considering the past, if he stepped back into mine now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we could pick it up and make it work again. Possibly even more easily than I've ever given it credit in fact.
Of course I'm under no illusion that that is likely to happen any time soon, or anytime ever (especially considering the living circumstances), but I'm glad I spoke to him. I hope he is glad he spoke to me too.
I've given up fighting, and trying, and crying and thinking, but I still love him. And although life will undoubtedly go on, I still genuinely, genuinely believe there is no better fit for me AND him than each other. I hope one day he can believe it too.
However much you moan about me prodding you, considering how we've been for a long time, it's scary how easily we just had a conversation, and how good it was to talk to you. For me anyway! I hope for you too. It reminds me we were never about pain and misery, and that we were happy, whether you admit that or not. Even if you never realise it, I still believe your place is with me and always will be. It would be a shame to waste my trip over there.
The bottom line is, rightly or wrongly, that despite being pretty happy in life right now, all the time we don't spend together just seems such a waste.
Friday, April 06, 2007
The things I've learnt...
Sometimes no matter how much you love someone it isn't enough to make things right.
I'm not the quitter that I thought I was.
You can't fight for a relationship if the other person isn't willing to meet you half way.
My past is a part of me, it isn't my total. I make no apologies for it.
I still believe in happy ever afters.
Sometimes I get things wrong.
The first cut really is the deepest.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, no matter how long it takes, to really be sure you're done.
You have to recognise when you're beaten.
I'm more willing to take risks and make changes than I give myself credit for.
I'm more scared of him coming back when it's too late, than of him never coming back at all.
Sometimes love just don't make sense, no matter how much you try to make it.
I have truly been in love. I want to truly be in love again.
I'm not the quitter that I thought I was.
You can't fight for a relationship if the other person isn't willing to meet you half way.
My past is a part of me, it isn't my total. I make no apologies for it.
I still believe in happy ever afters.
Sometimes I get things wrong.
The first cut really is the deepest.
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, no matter how long it takes, to really be sure you're done.
You have to recognise when you're beaten.
I'm more willing to take risks and make changes than I give myself credit for.
I'm more scared of him coming back when it's too late, than of him never coming back at all.
Sometimes love just don't make sense, no matter how much you try to make it.
I have truly been in love. I want to truly be in love again.
Spookily true
| Sagittarius - Your Love Profile |
 Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates. You're willing to take risks in love... and reap the rewards. You've got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet. Your negative traits: Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive. You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts. You're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person. Your ideal partner: Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever. Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you. Is bold... and not afraid to tell you "I love you" early on. Your dating style: Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up. Your seduction style: Daring. You're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom. Full of imagination. You've always got a new fantasy you're dying to try. Spiritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldly act. Tips for the future: Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better. It's not all about you. Focus on your partner's needs every once and a while. Make up your mind about your partner, and stick to it. Your fickle nature will ruin things otherwise. Best color to attract mate: Purple Best day for a date: Thursday |
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Borrowed
I'm up too late. Again! So instead of making any effort at all to think, I'm posting something I read a while ago that has stuck in my head...
"...years ago there were tribes that roamed the earth and each tribe had a magic person. Well, now there are no more tribes, but there are still magic people, and every so often, you meet them. Every so often you meet someone from your tribe." ('Surrender the Pink', Carrie Fisher)
Its a nice thought.
"...years ago there were tribes that roamed the earth and each tribe had a magic person. Well, now there are no more tribes, but there are still magic people, and every so often, you meet them. Every so often you meet someone from your tribe." ('Surrender the Pink', Carrie Fisher)
Its a nice thought.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Out with the old...
Not content with yesterday's clutter and junk purge, I have continued this evening with yet more sorting, (I must need to get laid!!), and have spent this evening going through stacks of old photographs and sorting them into date order so that I can finally get them put in X and Y's photo albums at some point in the near future. Not content with that I then decided to check out and organise/delete the photo's I had stored on my pc, in a vain attempt to get the technology mice (or whatever it is that makes my computer work) to run a little faster on their wheel! End result being two neat and tidy stacks of photo's, and a brand new pc folder with about 70 pics from last August to this to print off!
While I was going through the debris that is my pc, I found the following little gem that X wrote (well dictated and I wrote, but it is all her own work!) for my sisters wedding back in May, and as I'm feeling pretty nostalgic after spending the best part of the last four hours looking at pictures of our life I thought I would post it for you all to read. (That and I'm too damn lazy to be inventive, and my life is too damn boring to be of any great interest!! Ho hum!).
So, here you go...
‘What is Love?’ by X (6yr old daughter)
Love is … taking care of each other.
Love is … making each other feel happy
Love is … buying nice clothes.
Love is … hugging and kissing.
Love is ... caring about each other.
Love is … being nice.
Love is … being kind.
Love is … buying treats.
Love is … doing what you are told.
Love is … feeling proud of each other.
It all sounds so simple, doesn't it...?
While I was going through the debris that is my pc, I found the following little gem that X wrote (well dictated and I wrote, but it is all her own work!) for my sisters wedding back in May, and as I'm feeling pretty nostalgic after spending the best part of the last four hours looking at pictures of our life I thought I would post it for you all to read. (That and I'm too damn lazy to be inventive, and my life is too damn boring to be of any great interest!! Ho hum!).
So, here you go...
‘What is Love?’ by X (6yr old daughter)
Love is … taking care of each other.
Love is … making each other feel happy
Love is … buying nice clothes.
Love is … hugging and kissing.
Love is ... caring about each other.
Love is … being nice.
Love is … being kind.
Love is … buying treats.
Love is … doing what you are told.
Love is … feeling proud of each other.
It all sounds so simple, doesn't it...?
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Why is it so hard?
I've been very speculative just lately about what it is I want (aside from a house, more money, a nanny, cleaner, and lots of holidays of course!), more especially what I want from that dreaded "R" word. And I think I have found it... http://alfielovesemma.blogspot.com/. This sums up what it is I want! That depth of feeling, the continuation of that feeling, the knowledge of being in the right place with the right person; a shared, fondly remembered past, a current and exciting present, and a planned and anticipated future. That's it really. I read their lives with joy and with envy, long may they continue.
So why is what they have so hard to find? I know that not everybody wants what I want, or needs what I need, but everybody has their own set of criteria or wishlist, and so many of us seem unfulfilled in this aspect.
It seems like everywhere I go in Blogland I read blogs from attractive, intelligent, sexual women (and men) who, like me, are on this eternal quest, or are "settled" in relationships that don't fulfill them. In real life, I talk to friends in similar situations to mine (parents or childless), looking for somebody to share their lives with, to share experiences with, to build a future with. There are internet dating sites galore and real ife social opportunities to meet people abound, with more chance of meeting "the person of your dreams" than possibly ever before. And yet, the romantic world seems full of more dissatisfaction than ever.
Do we demand too much these days? Do we have unrealistic expectations about life and love? Are we privy to so much more opportunity and chances that we dare not settle for this one in case there is something/someone better waiting round the corner? Has society become so disposable that even relationships are seen as something to use and discard? Have we had our eyes opened so much that we cannot accept what is presented to us and available for us? Have we lost the ability to accept and to try?
I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did. But I wonder sometimes if we have gone too far down the path of striving for better. Whether the acceptance years ago that you married, you worked hard at it, and you stayed together produced more cases of "true love" than all the modern opportunities for independance and choice that we have today. And is it too late to go back?
I think this generation (now 30's and 40's), with it's increasing divorce and diverse family situations, is the one that is bearing the brunt, and that this in time will pass, as nature and history swings from one period to the next; that society we will return to a time of valuing relationships, valuing family, having an acceptance that we need to work at what we have, but with the balance of continuing to promote choice and enabling opportunities for all. That by the time our grandchildren are grown, the pendulum will have begun to shift back, because we cannot sustain a society long-term the way we are at the moment.
I wonder sometimes if I personally would have benefitted from a life in a different history period. Whether a tighter more controlled society would have been a good thing for me, or whether a natural propensity for dissatisfaction would have prevailed and forced society to shun my opinions and my actions. Am I a product of my childhood and my generation, or would I have turned out this way however society around me was? I guess I will never know about the past, and only time will tell about the future.
I don't proclaim to be able to answer any of these rambling questions, or the myriad of others that trip through my brain, but sometimes I like to stop and think about the bigger picture. And besides... when my brain is working at least it keeps my hands out my knickers for five minutes!
So why is what they have so hard to find? I know that not everybody wants what I want, or needs what I need, but everybody has their own set of criteria or wishlist, and so many of us seem unfulfilled in this aspect.
It seems like everywhere I go in Blogland I read blogs from attractive, intelligent, sexual women (and men) who, like me, are on this eternal quest, or are "settled" in relationships that don't fulfill them. In real life, I talk to friends in similar situations to mine (parents or childless), looking for somebody to share their lives with, to share experiences with, to build a future with. There are internet dating sites galore and real ife social opportunities to meet people abound, with more chance of meeting "the person of your dreams" than possibly ever before. And yet, the romantic world seems full of more dissatisfaction than ever.
Do we demand too much these days? Do we have unrealistic expectations about life and love? Are we privy to so much more opportunity and chances that we dare not settle for this one in case there is something/someone better waiting round the corner? Has society become so disposable that even relationships are seen as something to use and discard? Have we had our eyes opened so much that we cannot accept what is presented to us and available for us? Have we lost the ability to accept and to try?
I don't know the answers to these questions. I wish I did. But I wonder sometimes if we have gone too far down the path of striving for better. Whether the acceptance years ago that you married, you worked hard at it, and you stayed together produced more cases of "true love" than all the modern opportunities for independance and choice that we have today. And is it too late to go back?
I think this generation (now 30's and 40's), with it's increasing divorce and diverse family situations, is the one that is bearing the brunt, and that this in time will pass, as nature and history swings from one period to the next; that society we will return to a time of valuing relationships, valuing family, having an acceptance that we need to work at what we have, but with the balance of continuing to promote choice and enabling opportunities for all. That by the time our grandchildren are grown, the pendulum will have begun to shift back, because we cannot sustain a society long-term the way we are at the moment.
I wonder sometimes if I personally would have benefitted from a life in a different history period. Whether a tighter more controlled society would have been a good thing for me, or whether a natural propensity for dissatisfaction would have prevailed and forced society to shun my opinions and my actions. Am I a product of my childhood and my generation, or would I have turned out this way however society around me was? I guess I will never know about the past, and only time will tell about the future.
I don't proclaim to be able to answer any of these rambling questions, or the myriad of others that trip through my brain, but sometimes I like to stop and think about the bigger picture. And besides... when my brain is working at least it keeps my hands out my knickers for five minutes!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
For joe!
Thought I'd better do some posting about CM (as specially requested by Joe http://amalemind.blogspot.com/ !), and I realise I have neglected him on here of late.
Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.
If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.
So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".
A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.
I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).
After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.
On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.
Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).
So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.
It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.
I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.
Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.
If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.
So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".
A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.
I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).
After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.
On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.
Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).
So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.
It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.
I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Time for a change of mood...
Jesus, my blog has been depressing lately!! Time for a change of mood methinks! The worst is behind me now and actually I feel pretty good. I'm surprised at myself. I think it's because I've done so much grieving and wondering over the last ten months that there is nothing left now it's finally over.
Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.
Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...
Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!
So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.
Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?
PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!
Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.
Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...
Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!
So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.
Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?
PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!
Cutting the cord
So, I finally have it. Closure! And to be honest none of his answers surprise me now. I just needed to hear them, and to hear them from him. I've been waiting a long long time to hear them.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Trust in love (revised)
It was one of my mantra's in the earlier days of our break up. Well, after the break up and the reestablishing of contact anyway. It's how I feel again now.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The rock and the hard place!
If I accept that he loved me but left then I'm left with the fact that love isn't enough.
If I accept that he didn't love me then how can I trust my judgement again?
If I accept that he didn't love me then how can I trust my judgement again?
Saturday, September 09, 2006
despite
Despite getting a new car, a new job and a potential new fuck buddy in the last month, I still love DM, despite the fact that he left me over 10 months ago and now lives in San Francisco with a new (boring) girlfriend.
What the fuck is wrong with me...?!!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with me...?!!!!!
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