Why...

... is it so fucking complicated to find a friend with benefits?!!  For fucks sake, what is wrong with men these days?

Perhaps I'm odd, but having someone you can ring and go "fancy going pub for a few hours", or " fancy coming round and shagging me senseless ", or "I'm just headed home from a night out and wondered if you're up for a visit", should be every man's dream shouldn't it?!

Seems like nowadays men have to over think  everything and have lost the ability to think with their dicks!  It is more than a little frustrating!!!

Ugly

I have had an ugly day, full of being sick of my ugly body, my ugly face, my ugly hair and even an ugly soul. All of this undercurrent was already trickling away today before I went to the hairdressers and not only came out with a haircut that is not exactly what I wanted, and makes me feel even uglier, but also the knowledge that in the last 8 weeks, for some reason unknown to man or beast, a large bald patch has developed at the back of my head. Leaving me feeling uglier still, and also worried that I will end up completely bald and then might as well just give up.

Tears have been shed.

Blue

Don't know what's up with me today, but am just feeling really down. In fact, am having a little cry :-(

The day started well - got up to lots of lovely snow, one school open, one school closed. So off X toddled and Y came to work with me, as I had a strategic meeting that I chair that I couldn't really cancel. Took me an hour to drive the usual 20 minute journey to work, purely as a result of crap driving I'm sure, as there were no break downs or crashes on the 10 mile route! But I was still feeling pretty chipper, and me and Y were having a little chin wag and trying to overtake cars and so on.

So eventually get to work, and meeting starts at 10.30. I must just say that it is a meeting that I absolutely hate, bi monthly, completely pointless, consists of me talking and other people agreeing and then 2 hours later they leave and I do. But today, I was feeling positive, I had a new action agenda format - was clear what I wanted to discuss, was clear what outcomes I wanted, etc etc. And it just turned out to be same old same old - I get so disheartened by it. I just want to get on and do, and to get support from other professionals in a multi agency partnership! But no, same old same old. I nearly cried. Twice. In the meeting.

I think that, plus the combination of money stress, plus the fact my Masters assignment is late, plus the Christmas build up - and probably the time of the month, have resulted in sadness.

But, have jacked off the rest of the day, picked X up, done shopping, come home, sent X and Y out to play in the snow, and think my pyjamas, a long Lush bath, a glass of wine and a little cry is on my agenda for the next few hours. Would happily make it my agenda for the entire evening but my sister and brother in law are coming later and staying over for Christmas Bowling tomorrow morning so better get it out of the way first!

Tomorrow is another day! Good job really!!

Actually Friday

Well, after a Wednesday that felt like a fabulous Friday, the actual Friday has arrived and instead of being the energising start to the weekend, in fact I am bloody shattered!!

This may, in part, be due to the two anonymous phone calls I got on my landline at 1.40am and 1.42am respectively!! I hadn't actually been in bed long, but was at the nice 'just drifting off' phase, when the phone started ringing., in the kids bedroom, where it lives most of the time! So, I had to shoot out of bed in the dark like a mad thing before it woke them up, only to find nobody at the end of the line, and only for it to do exactly the same again two minutes later. It was then shoved unceremoniously under two pillows, just in case. Number withheld, of course. Bloody annoying!

A good day at work though. The BBC (yes, the actual BBC!!) are filming a documentary related to a particular angle of the vice industry, so were at work today speaking to one of our clients. Unfortunately (or fortunately) they did not want to speak to me on camera, but they have expressed an interest in doing an extended half hour programme ready for the Ipswich murder trial next May. So, you never know - fame may be mine at last!! Mwah ha ha!

School holidays

Who the fuck invented 6 week holidays?! Some kind of child free middle class tosspot methinks!

Glum

Can't seem to shift this glum mood at the moment. I don't feel sad really, just flat. And a bit low. That's not to say that I'm miserable, because whilst I'm busy I'm quite laughy and jokey. It's just when I stop I can't seem to motivate myself really. Everything just seems dull, and I can't really put my finger on why.

I think money is a lot of it. I've been struggling to catch up since Vegas, especially with X and Y's birthdays within 7 weeks of each other, not to mention a bastard £200 bank charges (again!) in the last two months, and only £50 total maintenance from X's dad since April. Thought I had pretty much caught up, apart from 2 months of catalogue charges (about £240), and my after school bill (probably about £180), and then found out today I actually owe after school club (£360!). And I just don't know where I'm going to get that money unless Y goes without his Nintendo Wii, which I can't really do as I've promised him it now. It's just so disheartening to be scrabbling all the time. I just can't seem to get myself straight to stay that way.

I just feel worn out at the moment. And tonight my upper right arm is really achy, like I pulled a muscle, which is not awfully painful, just annoying. Can't even be bothered to go out for a few beers. Just seems a bit pointless at the moment.

On a more positive note, I got a fabulous cut and blow dry (think Posh Spice) today for just £10. It really needed doing but I couldn't afford it so was planning on waiting until next month, then a work mate gave me this voucher so decided to make the most of it, and am very pleased with it. Will at least feel a little professional next week.

The Sun...

Thank you for your email, I have checked and can see that this registration was created on the 18/01/2006 and was last logged into on the 08/09/2006, I am afraid this is all the information I can see. I confirm that the member details have been removed from the site as requested. I hope this helps.

I should bloody think so!!

Warning!!

This post is full of gripes and groans, and its not my fucking hormones!!!

I couldn't sleep for some reason last night. Ended up being awake until around 3am, and then had to drag myself out of bed for work this morning. Was stressed before I'd even got there just thinking about it, after an email on Friday telling me I had to find new premises for my service within the month!!! Well, at least that's what I thought it said. In hindsight, and after some discussion with others it would seem that it may in fact say we have to find new premises, and then give a months notice, which is still stressful but slightly less so! Still waiting to have the situation confirmed though. On top of that, some of my "partner agencies" are pissing me off with the odd thing that's happened, and I am struggling to cope with workload, oozing diplomacy, managing some issues within the team and now this move! Just feel a little like I'm drowning at the moment.

I emailed The Sun support desk yesterday, to enquire how come I haven't registered yet my profile appears to be there, and got the following reply today:

Thanks for your email. I'm afraid that I have not been able to locate your membership. Please let me know the username that you chose to register with, along with the email address that you think you used to register in order for me to investigate further. Many thanks in advance of your co-operation.

Ahem!!! I don't know what username/email address I think I used, because as far as I'm concerned I didn't fucking register!!! Isn't that the fucking point?!!! Bloody useless!

I did go and check my Match site though, which I had to sign up for again (fortunately for free), and it is word for word the same, so Duddler's comments make sense, although I had cancelled my membership (so I thought). Will wait and see the outcome.

Okay, moan over!

Updat: Moan not over!! Have just been evicted from the Big Blogger house, after losing by 2 fucking votes!!! Bollocks!!

Welcome to the jungle

Whilst away, and with the torrential rain that has poured non-stop up until the last two days, my garden has grown into a jungle. Grass is knee high, hedge is sprouting outward and upward, back fence is slowly losing a plank at a time, and bloody ivy is now creeping in my kitchen window.

Considering this, and the fact that pay day approaches I thought I'd better get Sexy Gardener round to give it all a tidy up while I can afford it. So last night I text him to tell him of my predicament.

He is no longer doing "soft landscaping"!!!!!

Waaaaaah!! No SG and too much bloody garden!

What the fuck...

...is it with Crocs?!!

http://www.crocs.eu/

Phnah, phnah

Bloody, bloody, bloody men!!

Am a tad pissed off and disappointed today, due to the fact that Jay, who has been telling Lena all week about how much he likes me and to bring me over to The Nun last night, where he then proceeded to tell me how pretty I was looking, and kept flitting over to talk to me and Fran, has told Lena this morning that he is not ready for anything as his head is still too fucked up from his ex-girlfriend and he's off to Australia for a month shortly. And now he mentions this!!

Although I did like him, I only spent a very short time in his company, so am not massively bothered, I'm just annoyed with the whole misleading situation, and concerned that Lena may have made me out to be a completely smitten kitten, as well as slightly overplaying his intentions.

So, in order to ensure my reputation remains intact and to prevent any awkwardness should I choose to frequent that drinking establishment again, I texted him this evening to put the record straight -

Hi there, it's OG. I was going to ask you on the date of your life :-), but as Lena's told me the score I thought I'd just let you know all's cool, as no doubt our paths will cross again sometime and I don't do awkwardness. Have a good time in Oz, I'm off to Vegas in a few weeks myself. Take care and no doubt I'll see you around sometime.

I haven't had a reply, but to be honest, I don't really need one. I've said my piece, been honest and upfront, saved some face and cleared any potentially murky air. And so life resumes as normal...

Raaar!!!

Went to work this morning stressed to fuckity fuck! Seriously, seriously stressed!! It is the end of the financial year, and I am trying to write budgets, which include purchasing services for drugs work and young peoples work, and nobody can make a final decision about what the fuck we want. It is truly a nightmare!! On top of that, one of our service providers is playing stupid with a member of my team (employed by them), and trying to make it look as if it is anybody's fault but theirs, and I'm having to deal with her on the phone distraught all the time. Counselling is not in my job description!!

So, this morning, I have all of this going on, (plus a mountain of work including an annual report and a 2 year strategy to write in the next two weeks, not to mention an open day and a steering group meeting, amongst other things), and have also got a meeting with our new Director to see if myself and my line managed staff member have jobs or not. I tell you, I was shitting myself that I was going to have to tell her she was out of a job - more than I was worried about being told I was out of a job! I actually woke up this morning from several bad (and slightly weird) dreams about it.

Anyway, yay for the new Director, who has told me that not only are both our jobs safe, but we are also slotting in, so don't even have to reinterview for them! Yay, yay, yay!!

Now just the normal shit left to get on with...!

Ow!

My shoulder hurts :-(

Really really badly hurts :-(

In an attempt to ease the pain that kicked in like a knife in my shoulder blade around 7am this morning, I had a 20 minute soak in a boiling hot bath at 8am, a sunbed at 9.30am, 2 ibuprofen at 10am, 2 more at 12.30pm, 2 paracetamol at 2.30pm, a 40minute massage at 4pm, 2 ibuprofen at 5pm, 2 paracetamol at 8pm, and a hot water bottle attached to it for the last hour.

And it still fucking hurts!!

Rubbish

Everything is rubbish today.

I hate my house.
I'm stuck in all weekend.
I'm skint.
I'm fat.
I miss him.

Other than that, all as normal!

Sssssh...

2pm
Well another quiet one for me this weekend. Stayed in last night and did that wonderful thing of falling asleep on the sofa at about 11pm, only to wake again, freezing cold and stiff at 2.30am to drag my weary bones up the stairs into bed, where I then promptly lay awake unable to sleep for the next hour!

Woke with a headache this morning, and was a bad enough parent to tell X that ballet lessons (9am start!) weren’t on this morning due to half term holidays (ahem, may my lying sins be forgiven!). However, was a good enough parent to drag weary arse out of bed and take her to swimming lessons (10.30am start), even though we were five minutes late!!

Swimming lesson trial and tribulation was followed by trip to Tesco’s, where far too many calorific comfort type foods were bought, thereby serving dual purposes of sustaining me throughout boring-at-home-weekend, and then giving me reason to berate myself with self loathing at size of heifer-like body during same weekend and into following week!

Do not even have Blogland to distract me from gloom of my life! Think will go eat myself into a coma…!

8pm
Antsy mood continues.

Have not long got back from Indian meal with X, (who I am pleased to report behaved impeccably!), and am now feeling full of food and discontent!

Friend Meg Ryan was going to come round this evening for girly chat, etc, but has let me down in favour of date with bloke from dating site she has been speaking to this week. Other friend, B, is also madly in love with new man who purports to be “the one”. Am pleased for them both, but also find self full of bitter resentment for everybody else getting on with their lives, whilst self is trapped in stupid, pathetic, time warp. Find entire relationship thinking now based on premise of “What’s the point anyway? It will all go to shit at some point”, and plenty of tongue biting currently occurring to prevent said thinking being voiced to happy, moving forward friends.

Am selfish, rubbish friend, who nobody will ever love again.

11pm
Think will take up new hobby or evening class. Possibly braille, as blind boyfriend may be only future option!

Pissed off!

I am pissed off!

As you know, I am off to Vegas in May, and as I didn’t have the money to book with all my friends at the beginning of Jan, I eventually booked my flights last week. Now, I was a tad pissed off at the time because the flights had gone up from £463 to £550 by the time I booked them, but nothing too drastic so just accepted it and booked anyway.

I’m due to book accommodation at the end of this month, which was quoted at about £230 last time I checked in January. So, being organised and financially minded today, I thought I would have a quick look so I could be sure exactly what I had to pay out at the end of the month. Horror of bloody horrors I discover it is now going to cost £421!!!! What the fuck!!!

I am so pissed off now! All my fellow Vegas tripsters (considerably better off and more money managed than I am) booked at the beginning of January and got the whole shebang (flights and hotel) for £625. Because I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a spare £600 laying around, it is now going to cost me a total of £971!! That’s a third more than them! (And that’s assuming the hotel doesn’t put its prices up anymore!) I’m having to pay more because I have less money!!

It just doesn’t seem fair to me, and is indicative of how if you have money then you generally have to spend less. If you can afford to buy early you get it cheaper. If you can afford to buy in massive bulk you get it cheaper. If you have money and borrow money you get a better deal. If you live in a nice area you pay less house and car insurance. And even the bloody rich and famous, who have more money than anybody else, end up being given limitless promotional freebies!!

Did I mention I’m pissed off!?!?!

The feelings

So there you have it! I can’t say I’m surprised, although at the same time I wasn’t expecting it either, but then I’ve learnt not to have too many expectations these days!

I still don’t know why he would bother getting in touch again, (especially after my last response to him getting in touch ended with me telling him to make a decision, let me know and then stick to it, as we are never going to be just friends), but at the end of the day I can’t dwell on that anymore. Time to face the inevitable and accept that he isn’t coming back and that I can’t wait for him any longer.

I’m okay though, it’s been such a long time and I’m so goddamn tired of the waiting and hoping, however deep I bury it. So, disappointed… yes, disillusioned… yes, destroyed… no.

The best I can do is to say I just feel flat. But beige, not grey. There’s been too much grey in the last year.

Time to move on now, once and for all.

Buggering buggering bugger

My home pc is broken!!!! It won't reboot itself properly, and when it finally does then it switches itself off or freezes! I am currently posting from work, which I absolutely never do, but am not even going to be able to do that from Thursday! I'm not even able to lurk on anybody's blogs and catch up on all the goings on :-(

Waaaaah!! I can't go through Christmas without a home pc!

Please Santa bring me a shiny new pc. I am sure I have been a very good girl this year!

Missing in action (read inaction!)

I cannot be bothered to blog at the moment. I don't know why that is, as I'm absolutely fine, (well going through a bit of a period of self loathing but otherwise absolutely fine!), and have plenty of stuff in my head, but I'm just feeling uninspired to type it all out at the moment. Perhaps I should get a magic dictaphone that you speak into and then it translates it into text on your pc...?

I have been lurking and catching up with all the blogs I usually read, but cannot even find the typing energy to comment. Nothing significant to add I think.

I am sure I will return in full force soon, after all you can't keep a girl down for long! (well not unless you ask nicely of course!), but at the moment the creative (and other) juices are just not flowing. I think I need some excitement in my life....

The advent of taking the piss!

Aha!! I'm here, at bloody last!! And what is most annoying about having such a hard time logging in is that I have a few random posts in my head, and will probably be wanting to spout them muchly this evening. Such as, this....

What is with bloody advent calenders these days??? Why is it that every advent calender I see in shops nowadays has a chocolate behind every number?? Call me miserable, but if I wanted my kids to start the day with chocolate I'd feed them bloody coco pops!

What has happened to the joy of opening a door to discover a tiny wee christmassy picture that took you one day closer to a whole day of presents and chocolate eating, and that being enough excitement!!! I tell you. I refuse to buy chocolate advent calenders (unless I forget to get them at all until 1st December, by which time there is more hope of Santa actually arriving on my roof than getting a non-chocolatey one!!!), and the year before last actually got conned into buying lego and polly pocket ones, where at least they got something keepable and non-edible every day!

And, yes... AND! What in the name of the Christmas spirit himself (not vodka, by the way!) is the point of a pet's advent calender!!!!! I kid you not, I just saw an advent calender for a bloody guinea pig!!! Holy fucking trinity, the world is mad!!