I started the day, along with the weather, a little gloomy!
However, pleased to report that the sun is now shining, the delightful SG is randomly texting me lovely compliments, and flirting by email is going on with DB.
Oh, how I love the shallow affirmation from unavailable men :-)
Showing posts with label DB. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DB. Show all posts
Friday, March 23, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2007
DB - moving on
In other news, DB has asked if I want to do a hotel night with him this week!!! Apart from childcare difficulties, I'm not sure at the moment whether I want to or not, or whether he would actually go through with it.
I guess time will tell!
I guess time will tell!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Progress?
DM and I used to have this stupid thing where I'd tell him he was a lucky lucky boy, and he'd sarcastically reply yes, he was such a lucky lucky boy. Or vice versa with girl. No big deal, just one of those silly phrases that you pick up and use. A marker of coupledom I guess.
I've just used that phrase with DB, and then realised. It feels weird. And also a little wrong.
I've just used that phrase with DB, and then realised. It feels weird. And also a little wrong.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Disconnected
Not really sure where this post is going, but I seem to have an awful lot of stuff just going round and round in my head, so time to spill it I think.
I'm currently child-free, with Y off to the seaside for the day with his dad and X off to see Shrek with friends, and with time on my hands I'm just restless. I'm supposed to be attending a friends party this afternoon/evening, and I just can't be bothered with people. Though I know I'm better with people, and that company distracts me, I just don't feel part of anything.
I have already spent a couple of hours driving there and back for no reason, in an attempt to clear my head but it doesn't seem to help. I can't seem to connect properly at the moment, it's almost like I live my life looking in from the outside. I don't belong. I don't fit. I don't have. They're the constants that go round and round. I feel numb almost, numb and empty, as if I'm not truly a part of anything. Not sad, not at all, just detached. Dislocated.
I'm really struggling not to get in touch with DM at the moment. I know I shouldn't, I know there's no point, but the last couple of days I've found it increasingly difficult. There are too many things that remind me - adverts for outdoor theatre, references to San Francisco, increased conversations with DB, and damn motorbikes. Every where I go, everywhere I look there seem to be bikes!
DB is my DM substitute I think. The similarities between them are amazing, although their circumstances now are completely different. And I know it's a bad thing to be going down that road, that the whole thing can only end in tears. That thinking "fuck this love thing, I'll take what I want, when I want it from somebody who reminds me" is not a sensible or rational way to go. That it won't fix the problems or fill the space. But then why the fuck shouldn't I?? Where did laying my heart on the line fucking get me?? Here! That's where! And I don't like it here right now!!
DB and I are in almost daily contact, and have been for months, and though a lot of our conversations are just general chit chat, he has headed cautiously down that infidelity route, although I think more talk than action, and we've skirted around the meeting thing for a long while, because I think it will only go one way. And to be honest, I haven't been interested. Why would I be? I have my one true love, I've been waiting for that. So for a long time I've been telling him I don't do being the 'other woman', that it's not going to happen. But now...? Now, who knows.
He's not a happy man, not by a long shot, and I'm tempted to go there. To push him to go there. He's never been unfaithful, which (in a way I'm not proud of) makes it better. I want to force it. Take him somewhere he hasn't been. To take back some control.
And maybe to slam another nail in the coffin that men (and women) just can't be trusted to be faithful! If I'm completely honest, I think that's also what I do. Every time I get a previously faithful man to be unfaithful I lose a little bit of faith in fidelity. And blogland certainly doesn't help that. It's sick that I hate infidelity so much, that I think it's cowardly, and pathetic, and sad, and yet I'm considering fucking a married man.
Oh, I just don't fucking know! Perhaps the previous distractions just aren't working any more. Perhaps I'm hoping this might fill a little part of this fucking space.
I'm currently child-free, with Y off to the seaside for the day with his dad and X off to see Shrek with friends, and with time on my hands I'm just restless. I'm supposed to be attending a friends party this afternoon/evening, and I just can't be bothered with people. Though I know I'm better with people, and that company distracts me, I just don't feel part of anything.
I have already spent a couple of hours driving there and back for no reason, in an attempt to clear my head but it doesn't seem to help. I can't seem to connect properly at the moment, it's almost like I live my life looking in from the outside. I don't belong. I don't fit. I don't have. They're the constants that go round and round. I feel numb almost, numb and empty, as if I'm not truly a part of anything. Not sad, not at all, just detached. Dislocated.
I'm really struggling not to get in touch with DM at the moment. I know I shouldn't, I know there's no point, but the last couple of days I've found it increasingly difficult. There are too many things that remind me - adverts for outdoor theatre, references to San Francisco, increased conversations with DB, and damn motorbikes. Every where I go, everywhere I look there seem to be bikes!
DB is my DM substitute I think. The similarities between them are amazing, although their circumstances now are completely different. And I know it's a bad thing to be going down that road, that the whole thing can only end in tears. That thinking "fuck this love thing, I'll take what I want, when I want it from somebody who reminds me" is not a sensible or rational way to go. That it won't fix the problems or fill the space. But then why the fuck shouldn't I?? Where did laying my heart on the line fucking get me?? Here! That's where! And I don't like it here right now!!
DB and I are in almost daily contact, and have been for months, and though a lot of our conversations are just general chit chat, he has headed cautiously down that infidelity route, although I think more talk than action, and we've skirted around the meeting thing for a long while, because I think it will only go one way. And to be honest, I haven't been interested. Why would I be? I have my one true love, I've been waiting for that. So for a long time I've been telling him I don't do being the 'other woman', that it's not going to happen. But now...? Now, who knows.
He's not a happy man, not by a long shot, and I'm tempted to go there. To push him to go there. He's never been unfaithful, which (in a way I'm not proud of) makes it better. I want to force it. Take him somewhere he hasn't been. To take back some control.
And maybe to slam another nail in the coffin that men (and women) just can't be trusted to be faithful! If I'm completely honest, I think that's also what I do. Every time I get a previously faithful man to be unfaithful I lose a little bit of faith in fidelity. And blogland certainly doesn't help that. It's sick that I hate infidelity so much, that I think it's cowardly, and pathetic, and sad, and yet I'm considering fucking a married man.
Oh, I just don't fucking know! Perhaps the previous distractions just aren't working any more. Perhaps I'm hoping this might fill a little part of this fucking space.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Maybe
One of the things Vi and I talked about, (among many others!!) was of course DM. And one of the things I realised is that it's so hard to sum up over a year and a half of relationship, break up, vague reconciliation, departure and then continuing contact in a small enough amount of time to stop innocent listeners eyes glazing over with boredom. It's difficult to remember all the ups and downs, and it's difficult to explain or justify both my own behaviour, and also his.
So Sunday I decided to go back to the beginning and get it all together in one place, to get it all in order for prosperity and safekeeping. I was planning to sit down, make myself comfortable, go back to the beginning (which unfortunately didn't cover the first year of the events in real time), and try to reread it all in chronological order and with an objective mind. To view it as somebody not involved would view it, and to see how both our actions are reflected here. In the end I ordered it but I didn't read it. I think I need a bit of distance to be able to give it all justice, and when I feel I want to then it will all be there.
On top of this, and maybe due to this, as well as other events, in the early hours of Monday morning I pretty much lost the plot.
On Saturday teatime, I read the email from DM telling me he wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 years,and despite successfully pushing it away Saturday night and Sunday, a conversation on Sunday night with DB brought the whole thing to an emotional head.
I have been emailing DB since he got back in contact with me in January. Very inane chatty emails, regularly but not constantly, and it's been nice to catch up with him, disregarding the pointless content of our contact. By the end of last week the emails had gotten more frequent and slightly more flirty and on Sunday night we began chatting on MSN for the first time in almost 3 years. The conversation started as drivel, progressed briefly on to sexual content and then wove it's way into some pretty deep emotional stuff, especially about him, his past and his current life.
I am grateful for his depth of sharing, which I know is difficult for him, and although some of the experiences of his life I already knew, if vaguely, some of the events in more recent years I had no idea about.
As we talked, I began to realise that the similarities between him and DM are remarkable; same type of childhood, same type of career path, same kind of previous relationship history, same kind of marriage and children difficulties, and the same kind of issues. So similar that he even offered to email DM about some stuff, which I'm sure would not have been appreciated! It was strangely comforting, yet also disconcerting to discuss things with someone so close in nature to DM, without knowing him at all, and who also knows me from a time when I couldn't even have imagined the last year or so. I guess it was helpful to unload, when I wasn't expecting it. Although I also wasn't expecting it to affect me quite so much, and in short I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.
Having dwelled for a few days, I think what affected me so strongly was that now, due to different ways of dealing with fairly recent things, their lives have followed very different paths, and this disparity amongst all the similarity made me sad, really really sad. Sad for opportunites lost in the past and opportunities lost in the future and sad that loving someone isn't always enough to make things right for them.
I love DM, I know I do and I want him to believe I do, but I don't think there is anything else I can do to prove it, at least not without him being willing to take some steps towards me. I know I've called it a day in the past, as has he, and I also know that we both still seem to have some kind of connection. But perhaps I'm just misled in feeling that, perhaps to him I really am just another girl from the past that he can happily walk away from. I don't know.
Maybe one day he will sit down, make himself comfortable and go back to the beginning. Maybe one day he'll come back. Maybe one day I'll move on to someone and something new. Maybe one day the only memories I'll have of this time will be those I've recorded. In the meantime, whatever maybe's may be out there waiting, I guess I'll just get on with my life and try in the main not to think too much about it.
So Sunday I decided to go back to the beginning and get it all together in one place, to get it all in order for prosperity and safekeeping. I was planning to sit down, make myself comfortable, go back to the beginning (which unfortunately didn't cover the first year of the events in real time), and try to reread it all in chronological order and with an objective mind. To view it as somebody not involved would view it, and to see how both our actions are reflected here. In the end I ordered it but I didn't read it. I think I need a bit of distance to be able to give it all justice, and when I feel I want to then it will all be there.
On top of this, and maybe due to this, as well as other events, in the early hours of Monday morning I pretty much lost the plot.
On Saturday teatime, I read the email from DM telling me he wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 years,and despite successfully pushing it away Saturday night and Sunday, a conversation on Sunday night with DB brought the whole thing to an emotional head.
I have been emailing DB since he got back in contact with me in January. Very inane chatty emails, regularly but not constantly, and it's been nice to catch up with him, disregarding the pointless content of our contact. By the end of last week the emails had gotten more frequent and slightly more flirty and on Sunday night we began chatting on MSN for the first time in almost 3 years. The conversation started as drivel, progressed briefly on to sexual content and then wove it's way into some pretty deep emotional stuff, especially about him, his past and his current life.
I am grateful for his depth of sharing, which I know is difficult for him, and although some of the experiences of his life I already knew, if vaguely, some of the events in more recent years I had no idea about.
As we talked, I began to realise that the similarities between him and DM are remarkable; same type of childhood, same type of career path, same kind of previous relationship history, same kind of marriage and children difficulties, and the same kind of issues. So similar that he even offered to email DM about some stuff, which I'm sure would not have been appreciated! It was strangely comforting, yet also disconcerting to discuss things with someone so close in nature to DM, without knowing him at all, and who also knows me from a time when I couldn't even have imagined the last year or so. I guess it was helpful to unload, when I wasn't expecting it. Although I also wasn't expecting it to affect me quite so much, and in short I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.
Having dwelled for a few days, I think what affected me so strongly was that now, due to different ways of dealing with fairly recent things, their lives have followed very different paths, and this disparity amongst all the similarity made me sad, really really sad. Sad for opportunites lost in the past and opportunities lost in the future and sad that loving someone isn't always enough to make things right for them.
I love DM, I know I do and I want him to believe I do, but I don't think there is anything else I can do to prove it, at least not without him being willing to take some steps towards me. I know I've called it a day in the past, as has he, and I also know that we both still seem to have some kind of connection. But perhaps I'm just misled in feeling that, perhaps to him I really am just another girl from the past that he can happily walk away from. I don't know.
Maybe one day he will sit down, make himself comfortable and go back to the beginning. Maybe one day he'll come back. Maybe one day I'll move on to someone and something new. Maybe one day the only memories I'll have of this time will be those I've recorded. In the meantime, whatever maybe's may be out there waiting, I guess I'll just get on with my life and try in the main not to think too much about it.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Ghosts
Well a variety of ghosts from a distant past have all been out in force this week….
First up, DB makes an appearance out of the blue.
Secondly, DM returns (again!), you’ve read it (and yes I know, I know I should just ignore it!!)!
Thirdly…
Yesterday evening I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. No voicemail and no text to explain. Being a curious sort of girl (but having no credit!), I drop called it back, on the basis that they would return the call if was meant for me. No call was returned and I consigned it to the delete file in my brain.
Yesterday evening, I receive a text…
“Hi OG. Happy New Year. Hope you’re okay. Do you remember me?”.
Erm… that would be no! Surprising though it is considering the wealth of personal information contained within the message!!!!!
“Refresh my memory”
A second later the phone buzzes again…
“A clue is cigarettes”
Cigarettes?? Hmmm, that isn’t exactly causing anybody to spring to mind! I was thinking it may have been a bloke I met from the internet last February and saw a few times for a drink, but not sure where cigarettes would fit in with that!
“That hasn’t helped. I was thinking of someone, but the cigarettes have confused me”
Two minutes later, my phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi OG, how are you?”
“Erm fine thanks. Do I know you?”
“It’s Phil”
“Phil? Are you sure I know you?”
“Yeah, Phil. The cigarettes?”
“Erm… so how exactly do I know you?”
“We used to chat on the internet a while ago”
“We did? And I gave you my number? I’m sure I haven’t spoken to you before”.
“I was clearing out my computer the other day, and found your number on a spreadsheet. We used to chat from Udate”
“Oh yeah! I remember you know. Vaguely. That was about 2 years ago! I have to say this is a little random!”
So, I have this stranger, that I’ve never spoken to, but who I vaguely remember having a couple of msn conversations with, mainly around the fact that he had a massive fetish for women who smoked, now on the phone, almost 2 years later!!
What???
Fifteen minutes of very random, and far from free flowing, chat later (How you doing? Did you have a good Christmas? What did you get up to at New Year? etc etc), the phone call ends with an “Okay, better go. Nice to talk to you. You’re welcome to keep in touch if you’d like”.
I think I’ll pass thanks!
Who’s next?? A bloke who bought me a drink in 1997??!
First up, DB makes an appearance out of the blue.
Secondly, DM returns (again!), you’ve read it (and yes I know, I know I should just ignore it!!)!
Thirdly…
Yesterday evening I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. No voicemail and no text to explain. Being a curious sort of girl (but having no credit!), I drop called it back, on the basis that they would return the call if was meant for me. No call was returned and I consigned it to the delete file in my brain.
Yesterday evening, I receive a text…
“Hi OG. Happy New Year. Hope you’re okay. Do you remember me?”.
Erm… that would be no! Surprising though it is considering the wealth of personal information contained within the message!!!!!
“Refresh my memory”
A second later the phone buzzes again…
“A clue is cigarettes”
Cigarettes?? Hmmm, that isn’t exactly causing anybody to spring to mind! I was thinking it may have been a bloke I met from the internet last February and saw a few times for a drink, but not sure where cigarettes would fit in with that!
“That hasn’t helped. I was thinking of someone, but the cigarettes have confused me”
Two minutes later, my phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi OG, how are you?”
“Erm fine thanks. Do I know you?”
“It’s Phil”
“Phil? Are you sure I know you?”
“Yeah, Phil. The cigarettes?”
“Erm… so how exactly do I know you?”
“We used to chat on the internet a while ago”
“We did? And I gave you my number? I’m sure I haven’t spoken to you before”.
“I was clearing out my computer the other day, and found your number on a spreadsheet. We used to chat from Udate”
“Oh yeah! I remember you know. Vaguely. That was about 2 years ago! I have to say this is a little random!”
So, I have this stranger, that I’ve never spoken to, but who I vaguely remember having a couple of msn conversations with, mainly around the fact that he had a massive fetish for women who smoked, now on the phone, almost 2 years later!!
What???
Fifteen minutes of very random, and far from free flowing, chat later (How you doing? Did you have a good Christmas? What did you get up to at New Year? etc etc), the phone call ends with an “Okay, better go. Nice to talk to you. You’re welcome to keep in touch if you’d like”.
I think I’ll pass thanks!
Who’s next?? A bloke who bought me a drink in 1997??!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Killed the cat?
Okay, I thought I might as well cut and paste it all on to here and then you will know as much as I do, and can stop worrying about me getting too excited or getting too excited yourselves!
Hi Stranger
Nothing as complex as that, I just don't like the new Yahoo mail beta thing...I let the account lapse but then opened it again, just in case...
I did drop off the face of the earth, had to, I had so much nastiness following the collapse of that business I was working for in 2003! Was being chased for £2m, the DTI got involved, all sorts. Calming down gradually though but a stressful time, all things taken into account.
I will give you a call but not brave enough yet! ;-) No houseful.
How's things with you? I suppose I ought really to make good on that lunch date we talked about some time.
DB
I see! Well that clears that up then! Just in case what though I wonder...!
I’m sorry you had such a bad time of it. I didn’t realize you had all that crap going on!! Have to admit to my doubts about that being the only reason though…?! But I’m magnaminous enough to let you get away with it J What are you up to for work these days?
Lol at not brave enough yet. Am I that scarey??!! It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll live without, lol.
No houseful? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Are you still married? Must be a while now…? It may come as no surprise that I’m yet to make it down the aisle! I thought I was sorted with the man of my dreams last year, but unfortunately he wasn’t in agreement with me, so back to the drawing board I go!
I’m good actually. Apart from the break up stuff last year, which has hit me harder than I thought, I’m getting on pretty well. Not long started a new job (Oct 06) and loving it, although the restructuring going on in the NHS at the moment is stress I could do without! Still not anywhere near rich enough, but getting there, slowly! Kids are fine, getting bigger and slightly more manageable. So yeah, I’m doing okay, all things considered.
Lunch would be good. You’re right, you really should make good on it! That said, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Well just in case anyone wanted to get in touch, I suppose.
It wasn’t life or death, but it did get very nasty at one point, one of the directors had to have a police presence outside his house because of the threats going round! Not nice.
Not the only reason? No, you know that, I did get myself into a little domestic trouble, as you may remember – full email ban in force for some time! And probably rightly so.
Working for myself now and doing ok, thanks. Still a little worried about the whole ****company thing, but the DTI investigation was completed and no bad outcome so that’s one thing out of the way. Older and a little wiser!
Yes still married, and it still has ups and downs, to be expected I suppose!
Nice to hear you’re okay and sorry to hear about the break up. Bet he’s kicking himself now though. He must be mad.
I’m sure we could squeeze a lunch or drink after work or something. I’ll take a brave pill.
And lucky for you, I did! (Actually did I email you recently?? I looked in my sent items to see whether you were replying to an email and it said I’d emailed you on the 12th Dec?? When I read it though it didn’t make sense, and I’m not sure if I meant to send it to another DB??)
It’s really nice to hear from you though.
Oooh, it all sounds fabulously exciting (from an outside view of course). And I’m glad you’re fessing up to the other reason :-() All in the past though now, and older and wiser does have it’s benefits. I just seem to get older but not wiser, lol.
Are you enjoying being your own boss then? What kind of work do you do? Mine is very interesting!
I wouldn’t know about that, being the ultimate single girl it seems, but I’m sure you’re right. Glad to hear you’re still together and happy anyway. How come no baby DB’s?
Hmm at kicking himself now. I don’t think so somehow, he has a perfect life in California so I’m led to believe. That said, he hasn’t quite made the break! Needless to say it has all been very messy and confusing. There are a just a handful of men in the world who have been foolish enough to pass up on the wonder of me! I don’t know how they do it…? No accounting for taste, eh?
Lol, at brave pill! I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended! Whatever is fine with me, would be nice to catch up, but like I said, no rush. You’ve got my number when/if you’re ready. I’m still in hometown but working in local town now. I take it you’re still local?
Yes you did, and yes you did. Which got me thinking, as always! Hence the email. I wasn't sure whether it was sent by mistake or not.
It was very exciting but not in a good way, sent my hair grey!
Well I could hardly lie about it now, could I.
There is a baby DB, just not a houseful, you made it sound as though I would have produced 20 or something by now! 2 years old and a real handful.
Please don't be offended, it's not meant that way, it's just that I've almost resigned myself to an easy, unexciting and sometimes not great but easy life...if that makes sense.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! There is a baby DB! Blimey I would have had you down as remaining childless! And 2?? You must have been expecting him when we were speaking???
And I’m only joking about being offended. I know exactly what you mean. You resigned yourself a long time ago. A lot of people do, and in many ways I wish I was capable of it.
No not quite, in fact not at all
And yes, it's a bit sad but most of my friends are in just the same position!
Actually it was a massive shock, seriously! Dunno why really. Just can't see you as a daddy somehow! Then again, I'm hardly mummy material!!! Congratulations though (a little belatedly!)
And I didn’t say it was sad, I wouldn’t dream of it, they’re your words Mr!
We all do what we think is best, and I tell you, to settle or not to settle, that is the questions. And God only knows which one of us are right!!
I bet you're a great mum - anyone who survives it once, let alone twice deserves respect! And from my point of view it's worth sticking around to be around him, how most of us end up, I'll bet.
I was really shocked the other week, a guy I have know nearly 20 years (married all that time) told me he sticks with his wife and keeps up appearances at home, but basically does as he pleases the rest of the time. It did make me think, I wonder how many people end up like that. Stay single & enjoy yourself! On balance, settling involves a lot of very difficult compromises & sacrifices.
God listen to me, is it raining over there?
Well I don't know about that, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to afford to pay for therapy for them, so I'll have done my bit :-) Nice to hear you're enjoying fatherhood anyway, even if it is a little stressful at times!
A lot of people end up like that, that's why so many people end up miserable and having affairs. A lack of honesty about what they want and need from a partner. I don't necessarily want to be single, in fact, sometimes it's damn bloody hard raising 2 kids and working by yourself, and it involves a great deal of compromise and sacrifice in itself!!
But although I'm probably about ready to settle down now, I'm not willing to settle, if you get what I mean?? And having met my one true love, it’s hard to move on to something else now. But life will bring what it brings I guess!
Lol, what wise old birds we are!! Off the soap boxes now! No, it's not raining, spitting a tiny bit but that's it? Why is it pouring where you are??
PS. I am eating the best blackcurrant cheesecake right now! Mmmmmmm
Oh nice, I lost two stone in the last year so I am trying to stick to a good diet...thanks for that!
Hehehe! It really is quite yummy! And with no fabulous sex life to burn it off I figure I might as well just get old and fat!
Believe me that was not how I lost the weight :-( you go for it!
So that's it so far. I'm quite happy with that. I'm not planning on taking things further, although it would be good to see him face to face. In the great scheme of things though this is has been an interesting aside and I'm glad to have heard from him and that he's okay.
PS. Yes I had noticed how he avoids answering any remotely personal questions such as are you still local!! He did that last time too! Perhaps he's heard of my bunny boiler status :-)
Hi Stranger
Nothing as complex as that, I just don't like the new Yahoo mail beta thing...I let the account lapse but then opened it again, just in case...
I did drop off the face of the earth, had to, I had so much nastiness following the collapse of that business I was working for in 2003! Was being chased for £2m, the DTI got involved, all sorts. Calming down gradually though but a stressful time, all things taken into account.
I will give you a call but not brave enough yet! ;-) No houseful.
How's things with you? I suppose I ought really to make good on that lunch date we talked about some time.
DB
I see! Well that clears that up then! Just in case what though I wonder...!
I’m sorry you had such a bad time of it. I didn’t realize you had all that crap going on!! Have to admit to my doubts about that being the only reason though…?! But I’m magnaminous enough to let you get away with it J What are you up to for work these days?
Lol at not brave enough yet. Am I that scarey??!! It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll live without, lol.
No houseful? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Are you still married? Must be a while now…? It may come as no surprise that I’m yet to make it down the aisle! I thought I was sorted with the man of my dreams last year, but unfortunately he wasn’t in agreement with me, so back to the drawing board I go!
I’m good actually. Apart from the break up stuff last year, which has hit me harder than I thought, I’m getting on pretty well. Not long started a new job (Oct 06) and loving it, although the restructuring going on in the NHS at the moment is stress I could do without! Still not anywhere near rich enough, but getting there, slowly! Kids are fine, getting bigger and slightly more manageable. So yeah, I’m doing okay, all things considered.
Lunch would be good. You’re right, you really should make good on it! That said, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Well just in case anyone wanted to get in touch, I suppose.
It wasn’t life or death, but it did get very nasty at one point, one of the directors had to have a police presence outside his house because of the threats going round! Not nice.
Not the only reason? No, you know that, I did get myself into a little domestic trouble, as you may remember – full email ban in force for some time! And probably rightly so.
Working for myself now and doing ok, thanks. Still a little worried about the whole ****company thing, but the DTI investigation was completed and no bad outcome so that’s one thing out of the way. Older and a little wiser!
Yes still married, and it still has ups and downs, to be expected I suppose!
Nice to hear you’re okay and sorry to hear about the break up. Bet he’s kicking himself now though. He must be mad.
I’m sure we could squeeze a lunch or drink after work or something. I’ll take a brave pill.
And lucky for you, I did! (Actually did I email you recently?? I looked in my sent items to see whether you were replying to an email and it said I’d emailed you on the 12th Dec?? When I read it though it didn’t make sense, and I’m not sure if I meant to send it to another DB??)
It’s really nice to hear from you though.
Oooh, it all sounds fabulously exciting (from an outside view of course). And I’m glad you’re fessing up to the other reason :-() All in the past though now, and older and wiser does have it’s benefits. I just seem to get older but not wiser, lol.
Are you enjoying being your own boss then? What kind of work do you do? Mine is very interesting!
I wouldn’t know about that, being the ultimate single girl it seems, but I’m sure you’re right. Glad to hear you’re still together and happy anyway. How come no baby DB’s?
Hmm at kicking himself now. I don’t think so somehow, he has a perfect life in California so I’m led to believe. That said, he hasn’t quite made the break! Needless to say it has all been very messy and confusing. There are a just a handful of men in the world who have been foolish enough to pass up on the wonder of me! I don’t know how they do it…? No accounting for taste, eh?
Lol, at brave pill! I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended! Whatever is fine with me, would be nice to catch up, but like I said, no rush. You’ve got my number when/if you’re ready. I’m still in hometown but working in local town now. I take it you’re still local?
Yes you did, and yes you did. Which got me thinking, as always! Hence the email. I wasn't sure whether it was sent by mistake or not.
It was very exciting but not in a good way, sent my hair grey!
Well I could hardly lie about it now, could I.
There is a baby DB, just not a houseful, you made it sound as though I would have produced 20 or something by now! 2 years old and a real handful.
Please don't be offended, it's not meant that way, it's just that I've almost resigned myself to an easy, unexciting and sometimes not great but easy life...if that makes sense.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! There is a baby DB! Blimey I would have had you down as remaining childless! And 2?? You must have been expecting him when we were speaking???
And I’m only joking about being offended. I know exactly what you mean. You resigned yourself a long time ago. A lot of people do, and in many ways I wish I was capable of it.
No not quite, in fact not at all
And yes, it's a bit sad but most of my friends are in just the same position!
Actually it was a massive shock, seriously! Dunno why really. Just can't see you as a daddy somehow! Then again, I'm hardly mummy material!!! Congratulations though (a little belatedly!)
And I didn’t say it was sad, I wouldn’t dream of it, they’re your words Mr!
We all do what we think is best, and I tell you, to settle or not to settle, that is the questions. And God only knows which one of us are right!!
I bet you're a great mum - anyone who survives it once, let alone twice deserves respect! And from my point of view it's worth sticking around to be around him, how most of us end up, I'll bet.
I was really shocked the other week, a guy I have know nearly 20 years (married all that time) told me he sticks with his wife and keeps up appearances at home, but basically does as he pleases the rest of the time. It did make me think, I wonder how many people end up like that. Stay single & enjoy yourself! On balance, settling involves a lot of very difficult compromises & sacrifices.
God listen to me, is it raining over there?
Well I don't know about that, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to afford to pay for therapy for them, so I'll have done my bit :-) Nice to hear you're enjoying fatherhood anyway, even if it is a little stressful at times!
A lot of people end up like that, that's why so many people end up miserable and having affairs. A lack of honesty about what they want and need from a partner. I don't necessarily want to be single, in fact, sometimes it's damn bloody hard raising 2 kids and working by yourself, and it involves a great deal of compromise and sacrifice in itself!!
But although I'm probably about ready to settle down now, I'm not willing to settle, if you get what I mean?? And having met my one true love, it’s hard to move on to something else now. But life will bring what it brings I guess!
Lol, what wise old birds we are!! Off the soap boxes now! No, it's not raining, spitting a tiny bit but that's it? Why is it pouring where you are??
PS. I am eating the best blackcurrant cheesecake right now! Mmmmmmm
Oh nice, I lost two stone in the last year so I am trying to stick to a good diet...thanks for that!
Hehehe! It really is quite yummy! And with no fabulous sex life to burn it off I figure I might as well just get old and fat!
Believe me that was not how I lost the weight :-( you go for it!
So that's it so far. I'm quite happy with that. I'm not planning on taking things further, although it would be good to see him face to face. In the great scheme of things though this is has been an interesting aside and I'm glad to have heard from him and that he's okay.
PS. Yes I had noticed how he avoids answering any remotely personal questions such as are you still local!! He did that last time too! Perhaps he's heard of my bunny boiler status :-)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Curiosity
Well, I decided to reply (who am I trying to kid that I wouldn't bother!!), keeping it casual but equally trying to get some feel of the situation. So, accordingly this went out yesterday...
Hi stranger!! Long time no hear. Thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet...
Not sure whether you mean you don't like me emailing you, or you don't like emailing, or you don't like yahoo...??
I'm pc less at home at the minute, so if you want to say hi again then best to use og@workaddress.com for me. You can use any email server you choose!
Or you could ring me if you fancy a chat and you really can't bear to use email :-) my number is blah blah. Sure you won't be brave enough though...
Hope you're good anyway, and that life is treating you well. Have you got a house full of babies yet...?
OG
So, we shall wait and see. I'm quite intrigued really. I always wonder what makes people suddenly reappear in your life months/years later...?
Hi stranger!! Long time no hear. Thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet...
Not sure whether you mean you don't like me emailing you, or you don't like emailing, or you don't like yahoo...??
I'm pc less at home at the minute, so if you want to say hi again then best to use og@workaddress.com for me. You can use any email server you choose!
Or you could ring me if you fancy a chat and you really can't bear to use email :-) my number is blah blah. Sure you won't be brave enough though...
Hope you're good anyway, and that life is treating you well. Have you got a house full of babies yet...?
OG
So, we shall wait and see. I'm quite intrigued really. I always wonder what makes people suddenly reappear in your life months/years later...?
Monday, January 15, 2007
DB - part 2
In November 2003 I got an email, through friendsreunited.co.uk from him. I remember I was surprised, and flattered. I hadn't heard from him, or thought of him for years, but it’s always nice to know that people remember you, and even nicer to know that they have remembered you enough to look you up specifically. It is, of course, especially nice when they are an ex-boyfriend too!!
We began messaging, and emailing, and were soon spending hours on messenger and sending copious amounts of emails a day. We spent a lot of time talking about what had happened with our relationship, and he expanded on the things he had been saying the last time we met.
I had always thought that he just didn’t fancy me enough, but in fact it turned out that he had always thought the same about me, and on top of that he had fancied me so much that it had made him completely shy and nervous. It was strange, to get a completely different perspective on things, and to see how stupid it was that we had both been worrying about the other person not liking them, whilst also being too in awe of each other to actually be able to go for it.
And it was lovely. I began to really look forward to ‘speaking’ to him and reading what was coming next. It was also lovely that we had slipped back into our old banter, and although he was still married (not terrifically happily I must add), and I was with MC (going through a really rough patch), we did begin to slip into quite flirtatious exchanges, with the occasional cyber session thrown in!
By February 2004, things were getting heated quite often, and I had begun to really want to meet up with him again. I knew he was married and I knew it was unlikely that would change, but I just wanted to see him and see if the chemistry was still there all these years later. Not to mention being able to catch up in person and see how the other had changed. However, he wasn’t ready for that and was very cagey about his personal details. I didn’t even have a phone number for him, although I had given him mine a few times.
Eventually, and somewhat predictably, he just disappeared again. He literally, without warning, just stopped replying to my emails. And I was pissed off! Not because I thought we were about to embark on a great love affair, or because I was madly in love with him (I was never truly in love with him), but because we had rebuilt a relationship of sorts, even if only a friendship, and we had talked about how difficult it had been for me in the past when he had just disappeared into thin air, and I expected more from him as a grown man!
Anyway, over the last couple of years I have emailed him occasionally, really just to see if he is okay, as I have wondered if anything had happened to him. He has never replied, and although I would like to know how he’s doing, and to see him again at some point, I haven’t dwelled on it too much, but have put him back in the box of ‘what might have beens’.
Today, completely out of the blue, I get an email from him, sent at lunchtime on Sunday…
“Hi, I hate this email thing”
What the fuck??!
We began messaging, and emailing, and were soon spending hours on messenger and sending copious amounts of emails a day. We spent a lot of time talking about what had happened with our relationship, and he expanded on the things he had been saying the last time we met.
I had always thought that he just didn’t fancy me enough, but in fact it turned out that he had always thought the same about me, and on top of that he had fancied me so much that it had made him completely shy and nervous. It was strange, to get a completely different perspective on things, and to see how stupid it was that we had both been worrying about the other person not liking them, whilst also being too in awe of each other to actually be able to go for it.
And it was lovely. I began to really look forward to ‘speaking’ to him and reading what was coming next. It was also lovely that we had slipped back into our old banter, and although he was still married (not terrifically happily I must add), and I was with MC (going through a really rough patch), we did begin to slip into quite flirtatious exchanges, with the occasional cyber session thrown in!
By February 2004, things were getting heated quite often, and I had begun to really want to meet up with him again. I knew he was married and I knew it was unlikely that would change, but I just wanted to see him and see if the chemistry was still there all these years later. Not to mention being able to catch up in person and see how the other had changed. However, he wasn’t ready for that and was very cagey about his personal details. I didn’t even have a phone number for him, although I had given him mine a few times.
Eventually, and somewhat predictably, he just disappeared again. He literally, without warning, just stopped replying to my emails. And I was pissed off! Not because I thought we were about to embark on a great love affair, or because I was madly in love with him (I was never truly in love with him), but because we had rebuilt a relationship of sorts, even if only a friendship, and we had talked about how difficult it had been for me in the past when he had just disappeared into thin air, and I expected more from him as a grown man!
Anyway, over the last couple of years I have emailed him occasionally, really just to see if he is okay, as I have wondered if anything had happened to him. He has never replied, and although I would like to know how he’s doing, and to see him again at some point, I haven’t dwelled on it too much, but have put him back in the box of ‘what might have beens’.
Today, completely out of the blue, I get an email from him, sent at lunchtime on Sunday…
“Hi, I hate this email thing”
What the fuck??!
DB - part 1
I first met DB when I was about 18 or 19. It was literally one of those ‘eyes met across a crowded bar’ movie moments (that I have to say have happened far too infrequently for me!) that made me literally freeze. Fifteen years on, I can still remember such little details from that night, and from other points of our relationship, that it amazes me (particularly with my bloody memory!!), and they still make me smile.
We were in our village local one Thursday or Friday night when everyone in the group decided to go over to hometown bar/club. I was quite happy where I was, and couldn’t be bothered, but because literally everyone was going I went too, mumbling and grumbling along the way! My mood continued on the short journey and with arms folded across my chest and pout on my face I begrudgingly went in. We had literally only been in there for a few minutes, when I looked across the room and saw him, and he saw me too.
You hear people say that time stood still, and at that precise moment I’m sure it did. All I was aware of was him looking straight at me and me looking straight at him, and for just a few seconds the rest of the bar just ceased to exist. A friend asking me what I wanted to drink brought me back to earth, and a few minutes later I was shocked to see one of our group heading over to my mystery man. They chatted for a few minutes, and I was aware that they had both looked over towards me as if they were talking about me, despite trying at that point to look completely nonchalant about the whole thing whilst I was telling my mate and asking if she knew him.
Mutual friend (MF) returned and said that he had been asking who I was, and then the pantomime of swapping numbers through him began. I can’t remember too much of the detail, but I know we didn’t speak that night but that communication was done through MF, who eventually furnished him with my number and then told me he had said he would ring me.
He did. And we arranged to go out to the cinema for a first date. I can’t remember what we saw, or exactly how the evening went, but I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember how nervous I was about meeting him, as he had literally taken my breath away. I also remember that when I dropped him home he practically legged it out of the car. No kissing, no “would you like to come in”, no “can I see you again”, nothing. Just, “thanks, I had a good time, bye” and gone!
I know he rang me again, and I know we went out again, quite a few times. I remember that he used to meet me down the pub during his lunchtimes and we’d play pool and chat and laugh and so on. I also remember that whilst I fancied him more than I had ever fancied anyone, that the pure lust vibes were there all the time, the physical side of us just never seemed to jell properly. We did sleep together, after a few weeks, and I remember that the first time I went to his house, where he cooked and we chatted and then we both got absolutely slaughtered before we went to bed.
Anyway, this was a pattern that continued, and every time we slept together we were both hammered. Me, because I just fancied him so damn much that I daren’t touch him and instead turned into this super shy creature, and him… well, at the time I didn’t know why. I know it didn’t help, but it made me more and more paranoid that he didn’t really fancy me. After a couple of months he just started to become unavailable, and eventually just disappeared with no real explanation. I was gutted, but with the resilience of youth there were plenty more fish in the sea, and I got on with it.
I don’t remember too much now about times and dates, but I know that this happened a few times. He would disappear for a few months, and then we would catch up with each other, and then we would start spending time together again, and then he would disappear again and so on and so on until it just kind of ended. But through all these times the sex issues were still the same, which for me was really, really unusual. I just never felt sure footed around him.
One of the last times I spoke to him, was a couple of years later when I was pregnant with Y. We bumped into each other in the local dive and got chatting. He was engaged, I was pregnant, but the whole chemistry buzz was still there, and I remember him telling me how much he had fancied me when we had been going out, and how he just couldn’t handle it. It was a strange meeting really, and although it made me feel a little better, it also made me cross. I saw him maybe a couple of times later; I remember once in the pub when he was with his now wife, and I was single again, and although he was relatively newly wed and we only had a really brief conversation the chemistry between us was still there, and once in the shopping centre, again with the wife, where I avoided him because I had not long had X and frankly looked like crap.
So that was the end of DB. One of life’s mysteries, and in many ways one of my ‘ones that got away’! Or so I thought….
We were in our village local one Thursday or Friday night when everyone in the group decided to go over to hometown bar/club. I was quite happy where I was, and couldn’t be bothered, but because literally everyone was going I went too, mumbling and grumbling along the way! My mood continued on the short journey and with arms folded across my chest and pout on my face I begrudgingly went in. We had literally only been in there for a few minutes, when I looked across the room and saw him, and he saw me too.
You hear people say that time stood still, and at that precise moment I’m sure it did. All I was aware of was him looking straight at me and me looking straight at him, and for just a few seconds the rest of the bar just ceased to exist. A friend asking me what I wanted to drink brought me back to earth, and a few minutes later I was shocked to see one of our group heading over to my mystery man. They chatted for a few minutes, and I was aware that they had both looked over towards me as if they were talking about me, despite trying at that point to look completely nonchalant about the whole thing whilst I was telling my mate and asking if she knew him.
Mutual friend (MF) returned and said that he had been asking who I was, and then the pantomime of swapping numbers through him began. I can’t remember too much of the detail, but I know we didn’t speak that night but that communication was done through MF, who eventually furnished him with my number and then told me he had said he would ring me.
He did. And we arranged to go out to the cinema for a first date. I can’t remember what we saw, or exactly how the evening went, but I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember how nervous I was about meeting him, as he had literally taken my breath away. I also remember that when I dropped him home he practically legged it out of the car. No kissing, no “would you like to come in”, no “can I see you again”, nothing. Just, “thanks, I had a good time, bye” and gone!
I know he rang me again, and I know we went out again, quite a few times. I remember that he used to meet me down the pub during his lunchtimes and we’d play pool and chat and laugh and so on. I also remember that whilst I fancied him more than I had ever fancied anyone, that the pure lust vibes were there all the time, the physical side of us just never seemed to jell properly. We did sleep together, after a few weeks, and I remember that the first time I went to his house, where he cooked and we chatted and then we both got absolutely slaughtered before we went to bed.
Anyway, this was a pattern that continued, and every time we slept together we were both hammered. Me, because I just fancied him so damn much that I daren’t touch him and instead turned into this super shy creature, and him… well, at the time I didn’t know why. I know it didn’t help, but it made me more and more paranoid that he didn’t really fancy me. After a couple of months he just started to become unavailable, and eventually just disappeared with no real explanation. I was gutted, but with the resilience of youth there were plenty more fish in the sea, and I got on with it.
I don’t remember too much now about times and dates, but I know that this happened a few times. He would disappear for a few months, and then we would catch up with each other, and then we would start spending time together again, and then he would disappear again and so on and so on until it just kind of ended. But through all these times the sex issues were still the same, which for me was really, really unusual. I just never felt sure footed around him.
One of the last times I spoke to him, was a couple of years later when I was pregnant with Y. We bumped into each other in the local dive and got chatting. He was engaged, I was pregnant, but the whole chemistry buzz was still there, and I remember him telling me how much he had fancied me when we had been going out, and how he just couldn’t handle it. It was a strange meeting really, and although it made me feel a little better, it also made me cross. I saw him maybe a couple of times later; I remember once in the pub when he was with his now wife, and I was single again, and although he was relatively newly wed and we only had a really brief conversation the chemistry between us was still there, and once in the shopping centre, again with the wife, where I avoided him because I had not long had X and frankly looked like crap.
So that was the end of DB. One of life’s mysteries, and in many ways one of my ‘ones that got away’! Or so I thought….
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