Death is nothing at all
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Big C
I have become one of those people affected by having a family member diagnosed with cancer. Mum - Stage 4 colon if you're interested.
I'm really not sure how I feel about it all..
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Relations
I have had an unusual, but lovely weekend this weekend. Friday night saw a bunch of girlies at the local comedy night for Bea's sisters birthday, which was all good fun, especially as I caught up with mate Molly, who I haven't seen for ages.
Saturday, carnival day in our town, dawned bright and early, and after the usual Saturday morning bowling for X and Y, X and I headed into town to view the carnival procession before meeting with my cousin A, who I haven't seen for 30 years! He contacted me on Facebook a while ago now, and then a few weeks ago suggested coming to visit (this partly prompted me to contact my biological father I think). I was a bit sceptical to be honest, but its kind of difficult to refuse, and to be honest, I am glad now that he did.
He arrived on the train about 2pm, and bless him had brought presents (2 Wii games and an £18 photo frame - not to be sniffed at!!) for us all, so we headed home for a while and had a bit of a chit and a chat, before X was picked up by her daddy for the weekend, leaving us free to spend an enjoyable afternoon frequenting some of the gardens of the local pubs. And frequenting we did, barely making it back to the 10pm train in time. It was good. He is a slightly odd kettle of fish, but to be honest, it was nice to see someone from my paternal side, which, after meeting him, seems to be a very small clan indeed.
Today is being spent doing nothing after a long lie in this morning, and a happy daughter home just now after partying in the park for carnival weekend with her dad. Roast is in, telly is on, kids are happy. Perfick!
Saturday, carnival day in our town, dawned bright and early, and after the usual Saturday morning bowling for X and Y, X and I headed into town to view the carnival procession before meeting with my cousin A, who I haven't seen for 30 years! He contacted me on Facebook a while ago now, and then a few weeks ago suggested coming to visit (this partly prompted me to contact my biological father I think). I was a bit sceptical to be honest, but its kind of difficult to refuse, and to be honest, I am glad now that he did.
He arrived on the train about 2pm, and bless him had brought presents (2 Wii games and an £18 photo frame - not to be sniffed at!!) for us all, so we headed home for a while and had a bit of a chit and a chat, before X was picked up by her daddy for the weekend, leaving us free to spend an enjoyable afternoon frequenting some of the gardens of the local pubs. And frequenting we did, barely making it back to the 10pm train in time. It was good. He is a slightly odd kettle of fish, but to be honest, it was nice to see someone from my paternal side, which, after meeting him, seems to be a very small clan indeed.
Today is being spent doing nothing after a long lie in this morning, and a happy daughter home just now after partying in the park for carnival weekend with her dad. Roast is in, telly is on, kids are happy. Perfick!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Karma - an email
"It is amazing what you can find on the internet these days. The information seems endless. I am interested to see that your website is managed by Good Karma productions, and wonder if you have any thoughts on how not seeing or contacting your only daughter for 30 years is likely to go down with good old Karma.
You have failed me, and I hope, though doubt, that you give thought to that, and often. There really is no excuse, and coming across your website I realise I am angry. Very much so. I deserved better than you gave me.
Interestingly, my daughter, X, who is 10 now - just in case you are vaguely interested - wants to be a shopkeeper and artist. She wants to sell her art in her own shop. I guess there is something about genes that will out."
You have failed me, and I hope, though doubt, that you give thought to that, and often. There really is no excuse, and coming across your website I realise I am angry. Very much so. I deserved better than you gave me.
Interestingly, my daughter, X, who is 10 now - just in case you are vaguely interested - wants to be a shopkeeper and artist. She wants to sell her art in her own shop. I guess there is something about genes that will out."
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wasted wishes
One of the things I wish I could change, if such things were possible, would be my family. Now, whilst I love them all in their own way we are not a close family. Far, far from it unfortunately. Aside from me and my sister, I have little in the way of contact with either of my brothers, not much with my mum anymore since she moved away, and over the last few years less and less with my (step)dad. And absolutely no contact, other than Christmas cards, from Aunties and Uncles and cousins. Thats the way our family is. Distant.
I am envious when I see photo's on facebook of people going on holiday with family. One of Y's friends has the epitomy of the perfect family life to me. In her family she has a younger sister and her mum and dad (my age) are still together and have been together for absolutely years, an aunty and uncle also married for a long time and with 2 daughters about her sister's age, and her gran and grandad, also still married after many years. They always have so many photos on facebook of them doing things all together. All the big occasions - Christmas, New Years Eve, kids birthdays, holidays is always all of them, all together.
I wish I had had her upbringing. I wish more that I'd been able to give my kids the same. More than anything else its the thing I cannot change and the thing I wish I could.
I am envious when I see photo's on facebook of people going on holiday with family. One of Y's friends has the epitomy of the perfect family life to me. In her family she has a younger sister and her mum and dad (my age) are still together and have been together for absolutely years, an aunty and uncle also married for a long time and with 2 daughters about her sister's age, and her gran and grandad, also still married after many years. They always have so many photos on facebook of them doing things all together. All the big occasions - Christmas, New Years Eve, kids birthdays, holidays is always all of them, all together.
I wish I had had her upbringing. I wish more that I'd been able to give my kids the same. More than anything else its the thing I cannot change and the thing I wish I could.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Drunken bum
I apologise for any rambling posts over the weekend - I managed to get myself pissed, by myself, on 3 glasses of 15% dessert wine on Friday night and didn't get to bed until 2am, followed by my birthday pyjama party on Saturday, where accompanied by Lily, Disco, Suze and Jamie I proceeded to drink much more wine before falling into bed approximately 4am. In fact, as I'm typing this I can see the huge bags under my eyes reflected in the monitor!
So, to catch up briefly, had a night out to a Northern Soul and Funk night the Friday before last, where much stupid dancing was done, alongside laughing with the girls, and catching up with some old faces I haven't seen in a long time, which is always nice. So that, combined with this weekend of late nights, plus plans for a party Saturday night, followed by a night out next Friday, my social life is looking up but my pockets are looking emptier and my face is looking tireder. Never mind, I suppose I should make the most of the offers while they come.
Money has not been helped by the fact that Christmas is fast rolling round, which I absolutely love, and after 4 years, finally doesn't feel marred by the DM situation. I am having the family to me this year, for the first time, so there will be Little Sis and hubby staying Christmas Eve again, which was lovely last year, and then we will be joined by my Mum and Littlest Brother on Christmas Day - where hopefully my Mum will make sure we manage to eat an edible Christmas dinner!! For the first time ever, I think, I am really organised this year - nearly all my presents are bought, some of them wrapped, and I even have my food ordered online for delivery on 22nd December! I am feeling very smug about it all - though have to admit it's more need than planning, as I just don't have the disposable income to leave it all to the last minute like I usually do.
Not only is Christmas impacting, but maintenance from Y's dad has stopped completely, and for the foreseeable future as he has just been diagnosed with Schizophrenia at the grand old age of 40, and been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I've had to tell Y, who is always backward at coming forward at the best of times, which has been awful, and we're just trying to make it a normality - because I'm assuming this is likely to be an ongoing issue that needs to become part of his life, and mine by default. I'm also trying to ignore the paranoia about how such things run in the family, and take faith in the fact that there is no other mental illness in his family and that they believe this has been brought on by long term alcohol dependency, which hopefully my Y will avoid! On top of that, my poor boy has A Level exams in January, in at least 3 of his 4 subjects, and he is struggling with that - so I guess the next month or two are not going to be easy going!
On the bright side, I am off for nearly a fortnight over Christmas, and I just can't wait!!
So, to catch up briefly, had a night out to a Northern Soul and Funk night the Friday before last, where much stupid dancing was done, alongside laughing with the girls, and catching up with some old faces I haven't seen in a long time, which is always nice. So that, combined with this weekend of late nights, plus plans for a party Saturday night, followed by a night out next Friday, my social life is looking up but my pockets are looking emptier and my face is looking tireder. Never mind, I suppose I should make the most of the offers while they come.
Money has not been helped by the fact that Christmas is fast rolling round, which I absolutely love, and after 4 years, finally doesn't feel marred by the DM situation. I am having the family to me this year, for the first time, so there will be Little Sis and hubby staying Christmas Eve again, which was lovely last year, and then we will be joined by my Mum and Littlest Brother on Christmas Day - where hopefully my Mum will make sure we manage to eat an edible Christmas dinner!! For the first time ever, I think, I am really organised this year - nearly all my presents are bought, some of them wrapped, and I even have my food ordered online for delivery on 22nd December! I am feeling very smug about it all - though have to admit it's more need than planning, as I just don't have the disposable income to leave it all to the last minute like I usually do.
Not only is Christmas impacting, but maintenance from Y's dad has stopped completely, and for the foreseeable future as he has just been diagnosed with Schizophrenia at the grand old age of 40, and been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I've had to tell Y, who is always backward at coming forward at the best of times, which has been awful, and we're just trying to make it a normality - because I'm assuming this is likely to be an ongoing issue that needs to become part of his life, and mine by default. I'm also trying to ignore the paranoia about how such things run in the family, and take faith in the fact that there is no other mental illness in his family and that they believe this has been brought on by long term alcohol dependency, which hopefully my Y will avoid! On top of that, my poor boy has A Level exams in January, in at least 3 of his 4 subjects, and he is struggling with that - so I guess the next month or two are not going to be easy going!
On the bright side, I am off for nearly a fortnight over Christmas, and I just can't wait!!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Seasonal shenanigans
So, I've been away for a while, time to catch up on the festive period I guess!
Christmas Day started with an early morning call from X at around 5.30am, which was (just about) delayed until 8am when I fuinally succumbed to getting out of bed! We have a Christmas Day rule in our house that nobody is allowed downstairs until everybody is up and dressed, and no presents are opened (excepting their stockings and the present on their bed from Father Christmas) until after we have all had breakfast. As such, we managed to make present opening last until about 11am, and then set off to collect my littlest little brother from worktown, before setting off to spend the rest of the day at my little sister's in Oxford, along with biggest little brother, mum and her partner. The journey there was pretty uneventful, and much teasing of the encountered RAF boys on the base ensued, before getting to my sister's, whose small house was positively brimming with unopened presents, opened presents and the debris from the latter!
I had a pretty good haul this year, including; new hair straighteners, cool Ug type boots, several new CD's, a bottle of Advocaat, Robbie Williams calender, some nice smellies, new cordless house phones, and a lovely bracelet from Y, which is an Argos copy of the Links of London sweetie bracelet I wanted. Bless him!
The rest of the day was fabulously festive, and Christmas dinner was positively scrummy! I haven't seen biggest little brother for 2 years, so it was great to catch up with him as well as the rest of the family crowd, and it felt like a real family Christmas this year, including the obligatory teasing, provoking and loudness from us all together. Both X and Y were well behaved, and apart from an hour being lost at 11pm at night after leaving, the day was great.
Boxing Day was a more local, and quieter affair, with a slower start to the morning and then a short trip to my growing up town, to spend the day with my dad, his partner, her grandson and littlest little brother again. Much quieter, (with some lovely boiled ham and cheese sauce on the menu), but a nice relaxed day nonetheless.
More travelling on Thursday, as we set off to mate Mick's, in Manchester. We didn't set off until late afternoon, as he was working, but the traffic was just dreadful. Finally arrived about 6pm, and cajoled him into ordering pizza in as we hadn't managed to stop off on the way to eat. After being shown round his new home, settled the kids to bed and then settled down for an evening of wine, chatting and more chatting. Suddenly found it was 2.30am and I had drunk nearly a whole bottle of wine, without feeling slightly pissed (a miracle for me!), and then made the mistake of finishing the bottle and feeling bladdered! Finally staggered up to to bed around 3.30am!
Friday was spent mooching in the morning before heading off for the Trafford Centre, where more mooching occurred before a really rubbish meal in an 'American Diner', and then more mooching! Headed out of there around 5pm and sat for literally 45mins in the car park without even moving an inch!! Fortunately, X and Y managed to amuse themselves by guessing the flavour of Jelly Beans in the back seat and after a decision to exit the other way, followed by an illegal U-turn we finally managed to escape the car park around 6pm! More putting the world to rights in the evening, with less wine but a box of chocolates, and a much more reasonable bedtime! Mick was working again Saturday, so we set off home again pretty early and managed to get back in good time. It was lovely to see him, as I haven't seen him since he came up for a wedding in August, but I was glad to be home and be able to relax properly for the next few days.
And relax we did! Sunday and Monday were spent at home doing pretty much nothing! Managed to chat to JTRC for rather longer than her phone bill would like, but other than that I didn't do very much at all.
So New Years Eve had rolled around, and we were lucky enough to all be invited to Lily's for an evening of food, friends and copious amounts of Nintendo Wii playing, christened by ourselves as New Years Wiive! Lily had made some fabulous chilli, and other yummy delights and Mr Lily had set up the conservatory with the Wii projected onto the wall, so there was lots of room for kids (and adults!) to compete! Not the craziest of evenings, but really good nonetheless, and considering the number of children (and the fact mine were there!) there was no squabbling or upset at all. All managed to stay awake for NY countdown, (including X - just about!) and we finally got home at 1.30am.
Another year is here I guess...
Christmas Day started with an early morning call from X at around 5.30am, which was (just about) delayed until 8am when I fuinally succumbed to getting out of bed! We have a Christmas Day rule in our house that nobody is allowed downstairs until everybody is up and dressed, and no presents are opened (excepting their stockings and the present on their bed from Father Christmas) until after we have all had breakfast. As such, we managed to make present opening last until about 11am, and then set off to collect my littlest little brother from worktown, before setting off to spend the rest of the day at my little sister's in Oxford, along with biggest little brother, mum and her partner. The journey there was pretty uneventful, and much teasing of the encountered RAF boys on the base ensued, before getting to my sister's, whose small house was positively brimming with unopened presents, opened presents and the debris from the latter!
I had a pretty good haul this year, including; new hair straighteners, cool Ug type boots, several new CD's, a bottle of Advocaat, Robbie Williams calender, some nice smellies, new cordless house phones, and a lovely bracelet from Y, which is an Argos copy of the Links of London sweetie bracelet I wanted. Bless him!
The rest of the day was fabulously festive, and Christmas dinner was positively scrummy! I haven't seen biggest little brother for 2 years, so it was great to catch up with him as well as the rest of the family crowd, and it felt like a real family Christmas this year, including the obligatory teasing, provoking and loudness from us all together. Both X and Y were well behaved, and apart from an hour being lost at 11pm at night after leaving, the day was great.
Boxing Day was a more local, and quieter affair, with a slower start to the morning and then a short trip to my growing up town, to spend the day with my dad, his partner, her grandson and littlest little brother again. Much quieter, (with some lovely boiled ham and cheese sauce on the menu), but a nice relaxed day nonetheless.
More travelling on Thursday, as we set off to mate Mick's, in Manchester. We didn't set off until late afternoon, as he was working, but the traffic was just dreadful. Finally arrived about 6pm, and cajoled him into ordering pizza in as we hadn't managed to stop off on the way to eat. After being shown round his new home, settled the kids to bed and then settled down for an evening of wine, chatting and more chatting. Suddenly found it was 2.30am and I had drunk nearly a whole bottle of wine, without feeling slightly pissed (a miracle for me!), and then made the mistake of finishing the bottle and feeling bladdered! Finally staggered up to to bed around 3.30am!
Friday was spent mooching in the morning before heading off for the Trafford Centre, where more mooching occurred before a really rubbish meal in an 'American Diner', and then more mooching! Headed out of there around 5pm and sat for literally 45mins in the car park without even moving an inch!! Fortunately, X and Y managed to amuse themselves by guessing the flavour of Jelly Beans in the back seat and after a decision to exit the other way, followed by an illegal U-turn we finally managed to escape the car park around 6pm! More putting the world to rights in the evening, with less wine but a box of chocolates, and a much more reasonable bedtime! Mick was working again Saturday, so we set off home again pretty early and managed to get back in good time. It was lovely to see him, as I haven't seen him since he came up for a wedding in August, but I was glad to be home and be able to relax properly for the next few days.
And relax we did! Sunday and Monday were spent at home doing pretty much nothing! Managed to chat to JTRC for rather longer than her phone bill would like, but other than that I didn't do very much at all.
So New Years Eve had rolled around, and we were lucky enough to all be invited to Lily's for an evening of food, friends and copious amounts of Nintendo Wii playing, christened by ourselves as New Years Wiive! Lily had made some fabulous chilli, and other yummy delights and Mr Lily had set up the conservatory with the Wii projected onto the wall, so there was lots of room for kids (and adults!) to compete! Not the craziest of evenings, but really good nonetheless, and considering the number of children (and the fact mine were there!) there was no squabbling or upset at all. All managed to stay awake for NY countdown, (including X - just about!) and we finally got home at 1.30am.
Another year is here I guess...
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Murphette's Law
Well, as expected, the fact that I was prepared for shagging mean't, of course, that no offer was forthcoming! Typical!!
In fact, I haven't even had a response from SG, which I'm a tad miffed about I have to admit. I suspect he will text/call when he is next in a safe environment (ie. at work and away from the wife!), as he told me once before that he sometimes deletes texts without even reading them when he's with her, as she has a tendency to read his phone. Like I'm not discreet enough to ensure that anything I text always sounds merely light and friendly!!
In other news, it was my dad's birthday yesterday, so today we had family lunch with him, his partner, her grandson, my brother D, his new girlfriend A, me and X (Y at his dads). While I'm glad that he has found someone after my mum buggered off, his partner Minnie does my bloody head in!!!! She is such a bloody moaning cow! (Says me, lol). One of the choicer snippets of conversation today...
Minnie - need to know what you all want for Christmas.
Me - haven't really thought about it to be honest. Oh, actually I do know what I want...
Minnie (interrupting) - well just remember that I'm not working now!
FFS!!! That really pisses me off. Last year for Christmas I asked for some new saucepans, the year before I asked for a new washing basket. Yeah, I know, I'm the queen of asking for really expensive presents aren't I?!
So, I told her that I wanted a new cordless phone, to be met with the kind of look that said "How much?!", which I quickly quantified with - "you can get them for about £15 you know". Her reply... "Yes, well, they're bound to be no good though!". I tell you, I was that close to saying "Do you know what, don't fucking bother then!!".
In fact, I haven't even had a response from SG, which I'm a tad miffed about I have to admit. I suspect he will text/call when he is next in a safe environment (ie. at work and away from the wife!), as he told me once before that he sometimes deletes texts without even reading them when he's with her, as she has a tendency to read his phone. Like I'm not discreet enough to ensure that anything I text always sounds merely light and friendly!!
In other news, it was my dad's birthday yesterday, so today we had family lunch with him, his partner, her grandson, my brother D, his new girlfriend A, me and X (Y at his dads). While I'm glad that he has found someone after my mum buggered off, his partner Minnie does my bloody head in!!!! She is such a bloody moaning cow! (Says me, lol). One of the choicer snippets of conversation today...
Minnie - need to know what you all want for Christmas.
Me - haven't really thought about it to be honest. Oh, actually I do know what I want...
Minnie (interrupting) - well just remember that I'm not working now!
FFS!!! That really pisses me off. Last year for Christmas I asked for some new saucepans, the year before I asked for a new washing basket. Yeah, I know, I'm the queen of asking for really expensive presents aren't I?!
So, I told her that I wanted a new cordless phone, to be met with the kind of look that said "How much?!", which I quickly quantified with - "you can get them for about £15 you know". Her reply... "Yes, well, they're bound to be no good though!". I tell you, I was that close to saying "Do you know what, don't fucking bother then!!".
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Yay! I'm back! (Well nearly!)
Hurrah hurrah!! I am back in Blogland! Although currently posting from work, so just a quickie, as home pc still knackered and damn elves didn't put out! Ho hum. Man coming to look at pc on Friday, so fingers crossed I will be back with a vengeance over the weekend. And I have lots of catching up to do....!
Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...
Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!
Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!
Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!
Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...
Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!
Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!
Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Father
Today I got a letter from my Aunt to tell me that my father, who I haven't seen or heard from (apart from letter written by his girlfriend in reply to my letter informing him he was a grandfather when Y was born) since I was about 7, is now living in Bulgaria. That's nice!
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