Disconnected

Not really sure where this post is going, but I seem to have an awful lot of stuff just going round and round in my head, so time to spill it I think.

I'm currently child-free, with Y off to the seaside for the day with his dad and X off to see Shrek with friends, and with time on my hands I'm just restless. I'm supposed to be attending a friends party this afternoon/evening, and I just can't be bothered with people. Though I know I'm better with people, and that company distracts me, I just don't feel part of anything.

I have already spent a couple of hours driving there and back for no reason, in an attempt to clear my head but it doesn't seem to help. I can't seem to connect properly at the moment, it's almost like I live my life looking in from the outside. I don't belong. I don't fit. I don't have. They're the constants that go round and round. I feel numb almost, numb and empty, as if I'm not truly a part of anything. Not sad, not at all, just detached. Dislocated.

I'm really struggling not to get in touch with DM at the moment. I know I shouldn't, I know there's no point, but the last couple of days I've found it increasingly difficult. There are too many things that remind me - adverts for outdoor theatre, references to San Francisco, increased conversations with DB, and damn motorbikes. Every where I go, everywhere I look there seem to be bikes!

DB is my DM substitute I think. The similarities between them are amazing, although their circumstances now are completely different. And I know it's a bad thing to be going down that road, that the whole thing can only end in tears. That thinking "fuck this love thing, I'll take what I want, when I want it from somebody who reminds me" is not a sensible or rational way to go. That it won't fix the problems or fill the space. But then why the fuck shouldn't I?? Where did laying my heart on the line fucking get me?? Here! That's where! And I don't like it here right now!!

DB and I are in almost daily contact, and have been for months, and though a lot of our conversations are just general chit chat, he has headed cautiously down that infidelity route, although I think more talk than action, and we've skirted around the meeting thing for a long while, because I think it will only go one way. And to be honest, I haven't been interested. Why would I be? I have my one true love, I've been waiting for that. So for a long time I've been telling him I don't do being the 'other woman', that it's not going to happen. But now...? Now, who knows.

He's not a happy man, not by a long shot, and I'm tempted to go there. To push him to go there. He's never been unfaithful, which (in a way I'm not proud of) makes it better. I want to force it. Take him somewhere he hasn't been. To take back some control.

And maybe to slam another nail in the coffin that men (and women) just can't be trusted to be faithful! If I'm completely honest, I think that's also what I do. Every time I get a previously faithful man to be unfaithful I lose a little bit of faith in fidelity. And blogland certainly doesn't help that. It's sick that I hate infidelity so much, that I think it's cowardly, and pathetic, and sad, and yet I'm considering fucking a married man.

Oh, I just don't fucking know! Perhaps the previous distractions just aren't working any more. Perhaps I'm hoping this might fill a little part of this fucking space.