Reality check

You know what? I'm a pretty good catch! I may not be as pretty as I once was, or as pretty as many other girls, and I may not have the perfect body, far from it in fact, but beneath all the brashness, the sarcasm, the lack of tact, the bolshiness, the hardness and the walls, lies a woman who is strong, and clever, and independent, and funny, and great in bed, and loyal; fiercely loyal to the people I love.

And if you are one of the few who is lucky enough to see the insecurity, the fear, the soft and sweet, and the genuine love and kindness that lies deep within, then you are lucky. Very fucking lucky, and don't you ever forget that!

Something in the water

I have had a bit of bizarre week - with SG (Sexy Gardener) suddenly texting out of the blue on Saturday night, and then proceeding to ring me for several hours of flirting, which was nice, although I did have to reign it in a little. I'm not prepared to really encourage too much of that, even though it's quite flattering it's also a little disrespectful at the same time, and whilst I don't mind a bit of a mutual flirt there is a fine line between that and feeling like your just providing wank fodder. Then, equally as bizarrely JB suddenly got all flirty on Facebook, stating he 'hopes to see me soon, preferably naked' for all the world to see. I responded by telling him he's all talk and no action. Both quite inconsequential really, but I find it odd that both of them should pop up at the same time. I wonder who else I'll be hearing from in the near future!

I find it interesting that this kind of contact happens to me, and for the first time it made me think about the fact that there must be something inherently flattering to the male ego about me, which is a kind of contradiction to how I feel I come across sometimes; which can be pretty sarcastic and slightly demeaning to those without the same sense of humour. It's certainly interesting to have the odd epiphany - however small that epiphany may be.

Normality

I'm usually quite careful about blogging about the specifics of work, due to the nature of the beast/confidentiality etc, but I think it's important to acknowledge this for memory.

Today at work, just after lunch, I received a telephone call from the local police for information regarding one of our clients, due to their serious concerns around her safety after 2 different 999 calls regarding her within 20 minutes.

Much ringing around later I was able to furnish the police with some information regarding her recent experiences, her recent contacts, etc, and left them to deal with it. Eventually we get the news that an incident had occurred at her flat resulting in the arrest of three people, one for firearms offences, and a "pistol whipping" incident, but that she is neither implicated or harmed.
Now, mulling over the days events generally, it's just occurred to me that aside from worrying about the client, and checking safety for my outreach workers tonight, I really haven't thought about this in any great detail at all. It's just a mildly more eventful day than most.

The abnormal as a working normality. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Remembering

Without knowing it at the time, 2 years ago today I started on a journey.

(picture to come...)

Now it seems, it is time to start on a new one.

Distractions

When did I turn into this girl?

Who's life has become a series of distractions, of greater or lesser degree.

Who's life no longer fits.

Interruption

We interrupt this blog with a small announcement...

If you have not read this - do so immediately.

If you are thinking "I already have", then go back, pick it up and read it again. Now.

For me.

Please.

A simple truth...

I love nearly all his work. All the mini-truths sought out, crafted and laid out like a piece of his soul itself, laid bare for us to nod at, question, dismiss, agree with and argue against. But today he surpassed himself. Today, he gave me not only the interpretation of a good lover, but a definition of love itself.

"... the best lovers in the world are those who talk. talk about what's inside. and let us in. deep deep within. to a place rich and strange. to the secret centre of their hearts. and make us feel comfortable. and let us stay there. rent free. for as long as we like."

Come on in, pull up a chair, sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, and settle in.

PS. You can read the entire post here ... http://foundfoundfound26.blogspot.com/2007/04/casting-call.html

The things I've learnt...

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone it isn't enough to make things right.

I'm not the quitter that I thought I was.

You can't fight for a relationship if the other person isn't willing to meet you half way.

My past is a part of me, it isn't my total. I make no apologies for it.

I still believe in happy ever afters.

Sometimes I get things wrong.

The first cut really is the deepest.

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, no matter how long it takes, to really be sure you're done.

You have to recognise when you're beaten.

I'm more willing to take risks and make changes than I give myself credit for.

I'm more scared of him coming back when it's too late, than of him never coming back at all.

Sometimes love just don't make sense, no matter how much you try to make it.

I have truly been in love. I want to truly be in love again.

Charity begins at home

In line with Comic Relief today, I have been thinking about how easy it really is to raise vast amounts of money. If everyone takes part.

Do you know that if everybody in the United Kingdom donated just 1 pound to Comic Relief, they could raise £60,609,153*.

Just 1 pound each....



*based on July 2006 population statistics

Maybe

One of the things Vi and I talked about, (among many others!!) was of course DM. And one of the things I realised is that it's so hard to sum up over a year and a half of relationship, break up, vague reconciliation, departure and then continuing contact in a small enough amount of time to stop innocent listeners eyes glazing over with boredom. It's difficult to remember all the ups and downs, and it's difficult to explain or justify both my own behaviour, and also his.

So Sunday I decided to go back to the beginning and get it all together in one place, to get it all in order for prosperity and safekeeping. I was planning to sit down, make myself comfortable, go back to the beginning (which unfortunately didn't cover the first year of the events in real time), and try to reread it all in chronological order and with an objective mind. To view it as somebody not involved would view it, and to see how both our actions are reflected here. In the end I ordered it but I didn't read it. I think I need a bit of distance to be able to give it all justice, and when I feel I want to then it will all be there.

On top of this, and maybe due to this, as well as other events, in the early hours of Monday morning I pretty much lost the plot.

On Saturday teatime, I read the email from DM telling me he wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 years,and despite successfully pushing it away Saturday night and Sunday, a conversation on Sunday night with DB brought the whole thing to an emotional head.

I have been emailing DB since he got back in contact with me in January. Very inane chatty emails, regularly but not constantly, and it's been nice to catch up with him, disregarding the pointless content of our contact. By the end of last week the emails had gotten more frequent and slightly more flirty and on Sunday night we began chatting on MSN for the first time in almost 3 years. The conversation started as drivel, progressed briefly on to sexual content and then wove it's way into some pretty deep emotional stuff, especially about him, his past and his current life.

I am grateful for his depth of sharing, which I know is difficult for him, and although some of the experiences of his life I already knew, if vaguely, some of the events in more recent years I had no idea about.

As we talked, I began to realise that the similarities between him and DM are remarkable; same type of childhood, same type of career path, same kind of previous relationship history, same kind of marriage and children difficulties, and the same kind of issues. So similar that he even offered to email DM about some stuff, which I'm sure would not have been appreciated! It was strangely comforting, yet also disconcerting to discuss things with someone so close in nature to DM, without knowing him at all, and who also knows me from a time when I couldn't even have imagined the last year or so. I guess it was helpful to unload, when I wasn't expecting it. Although I also wasn't expecting it to affect me quite so much, and in short I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.

Having dwelled for a few days, I think what affected me so strongly was that now, due to different ways of dealing with fairly recent things, their lives have followed very different paths, and this disparity amongst all the similarity made me sad, really really sad. Sad for opportunites lost in the past and opportunities lost in the future and sad that loving someone isn't always enough to make things right for them.

I love DM, I know I do and I want him to believe I do, but I don't think there is anything else I can do to prove it, at least not without him being willing to take some steps towards me. I know I've called it a day in the past, as has he, and I also know that we both still seem to have some kind of connection. But perhaps I'm just misled in feeling that, perhaps to him I really am just another girl from the past that he can happily walk away from. I don't know.

Maybe one day he will sit down, make himself comfortable and go back to the beginning. Maybe one day he'll come back. Maybe one day I'll move on to someone and something new. Maybe one day the only memories I'll have of this time will be those I've recorded. In the meantime, whatever maybe's may be out there waiting, I guess I'll just get on with my life and try in the main not to think too much about it.

The worst that can happen?

Sometimes the thought that something might work out is scarier than the thought it won't.

Not for me though. Sometimes you just have to see where things take you. For better or worse!

Cocooned

Last night as I settled into bed, I had one of those small but significant moments of self-realisation that occasionally occur, and that simultaneously intrigue and confuse me.

It was most likely a result of the fact that I was freshly bathed, shaved, and moisturised, and I was getting into bedclothes that were clean, so were particularly fresh, crisp and soft; factors all combining to make me lay for a while just appreciating the physical sensations of skin against cotton, and the enjoyment of settling down into a warm bed on a cold winters night.

As I settled into that pre-sleep foetal position I always have, I suddenly realised that I was doing an unconscious, but extremely familiar added detail of taking one hand over the opposing shoulder and tucking the duvet right into the back of my neck and right round my shoulder. It may not seem significant, but I’m sure I never used to do this, and then further insight dawned and I also realised that in the few months this physical cocooning is something that I have transferred metaphorically in my emotional life. It’s like I’ve crocheted an emotional security blanket from the past, and as I settle into bed every night I cocoon myself in it in the exact same way I wrap my real duvet around me.

I’ve accepted and acknowledged in the past that I haven’t wanted to get rid of all the pain I was feeling, and that in a way I’ve almost clutched it to me and carted it around as a barricade. And while I’m not in that relentless pain anymore, I’ve exchanged that barrier for a different one; a softer, more protective blockade against the rest of the world.

No doubt therapists everywhere will be telling me I need to get rid of all this emotional dead weight, but I frankly I don’t want to. It’s safer this way.

Tick tock tick tock

It always amazes me the number of different things that make people "tick"! Not just in relationships, either with the opposite sex or in friendships, or on a physical/mental attraction level, but in general. How some people love sport, some music, some danger, some science, some art, some philosophy, and so on and so on. And how even if you find a group of art lovers, within that group will be impressionists, and modernists, and traditionalists, and so on and so on. And then within each differing style each person will prefer individual artists, and even within similar artist appreciators there will be a variance on which particular piece of art is the most enjoyed!

And when you break all these things down to an individual piece of art, or song, or poem, or experiment, or sport manouevre, or type of person, and then multiply that by the many, many things we encounter in each day, and the many many things that we have a preference on, it really is almost mind-blowing to imagine the extent of differences between people. Sometimes, when I think about the capacity of difference within each human brain, it seriously, seriously astounds me the extent to which we are all entirely different!! Not only physically, but mentally too.

We all have so many million facets to our personalities that make up the individual that we are, and yet, in many ways we are all broad brush strokes of humanity and are united by exactly how similar we are! Despite the many differences we have in what we enjoy and hate and what we desire and detest, we are pretty much all fundamentally looking for the same things in life. Albeit in varying differing packages. And that is really something positively amazing!

Anyway, I seem to have gone off on a bit of a random philosophical tangent, so back to the original reason for my post this evening...! I have posted, read, and listened to a lot of songs in the last little while, and also often have quite a few discussions with varying friends for whom music is an extremely important part of their life. This is good. I like music! But that said, if I had to choose only one thing to keep in the arts, the thing I would not be able to do without, the thing that I would trade for music anytime, anyplace, anywhere is literature!

Quite simply, although I like music, I absolutely adore books! Everything about them!! The pages, the front cover, the pristine crispness of a new book, the dank agedness of an old well thumbed book, just everything! And I will read pretty much anything, dependent on my mood, although like anybody I have genres that don't interest me as much as others. That's only natural and part of the wonder of the human race!

For me, there is absolutely nothing like picking up a book and finding yourself absorbed in somebody else's life for a short while. It is all encompassing. And despite the fact that any book is completely scripted, and that it can only ever be the author's view and vision that is expressed, literature allows for such individualisation and personalisation of the content that in a way everybody reads a different story. And that is something that is missing with television, films and theatre (much as I also loving the theatre!).

There is such little room for your own imagination and interpretation when you are watching a story unfold before you, with ready presented characters and scenery and sounds, that it is much harder to extract your own interpretation of the authors work. And it's a beautiful thing to be able to be so involved but so removed in somebody else's thoughts, and to be able to appreciate the beauty and significance of language and emotion. It is what makes literature special for me in a way that no other "art" can compete with, and why I thought I would give the heads up to the good old novel for a change.

It's also the reason I need more bloody shelves!!

Calm

This is the post I started yesterday, before I read a really nice comment from 'Dave in Chicago', commenting on a post I wrote a month ago about cutting the cord. It prompted me to go back and read what I'd written, and as you can tell from last nights posts, made me sad.

But back to today... Life is pretty calm at the moment. I am feeling very cool about pretty much everything. And not in a bad way!! Cool with the CM situation after M's comments at the weekend. Cool with flirting with M Saturday night. Cool with biding my time for the potential SG action. Cool with my online chatting buddy/potential meet. Even cool(ish) with the lack of my DM! I'm not too used to calm, and generally it doesn't sit well with me, but manic can't be maintained for too long without the lull, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm (which will of course invariably come!!).

The benefit of calm of course is that I have more time for slightly more random blogging; a more general perception into my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc rather than trying to keep up with the complexities of actual life.

So, that said, and in response to some of the comments from my previous post, as well as some recent posts by Joe, I thought I would expand a little on the "Sex" post with a few thoughts on relationships, monogomy, fidelity and maybe even sex in relationships? Who knows, lets just see where the rambling leads....

A couple of you mentioned the R, namely the relationship thing. Just want to get one thing straight. I don't believe FBs, FWBs or casual sex is necessarily the way to go, and I can't stress enough how difficult these types of encounters are to successfully maintain. But they have their time and their place, and can be really rewarding in many instances. That said, though it may seem as if that is all I'm interested in, in fact, what I would like, of course, is to meet somebody (else) who makes me want to dive wholeheartedly into the R!!

That too is not easy to achieve, and while getting a shag is, quite frankly, bloody easy, and getting a "boyfriend" (God I hate that word, sounds like school days!) is actually pretty easy too, finding someone that I want to be with and wants to be with me in equal measure is damn bloody difficult. Factor in the need for mental, emotional and physical stimulation as well as a damn good sex life, and it's no wonder it took me 17 years of relationships to meet that person!!!

And however great FBs, FWBs and casual sex may be, I know from experience that in terms of consistent emotional and sexual satisfaction, there is nothing like having fantastic sex with someone you love and who loves you too. And that can never be underestimated!

It may surprise some of you to know that despite my somewhat 'colourful' past, I am a great believer in my own fidelity. In fact, I'm not, by nature, a cheater. Never have been, doubt I ever will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no complete innocent, I have cheated twice in my life that I can recall. (I'm still trying to work out if fucking MW the other week was cheating on CM?? Maybe. I can see an argument for it being. But to be honest, me and CM are so casual that I don't really believe that it was. Feel free to disagree!). Anyway, back to the point. It's not a massive moral issue, in fact I have encouraged plenty of infidelity in others, but in myself...? No.

The only two times I consider that I truly cheated were on the same boyfriend. A long term boyfriend, Army Boy, who I was seeing for about 9 months before he left the army and moved in with me for another 6months. I genuinely thought the world of him, and still do! He is a great bloke and we had a fantastic time the whole time we were together, but in the end we were just in different places and wanting different things. We called it a day mutually but sadly.

About 3 months into the relationship, with AB away at base for the 3rd weekend in a row, and me feeling like he wasn't that bothered about being with me, I went out for the night with "Smiler", a really really close mate of AB and an ex-boyfriend of mine (it was Smiler that introduced us!), that I was still really close too, and had previously developed a satisfactory (if sporadic) FWB relationship with. And that night he started to get a bit frisky, and I told him not to because I really liked AB, and then he really really piled on the pressure and the guilt trip about how I loved AB more than him now, blah blah blah. And being a sucker, and feeling guilty for rejecting him, and feeling unloved by AB, I shagged him. I didn't enjoy it at the time, I didn't feel good about it at the time, and I felt like fucking shit afterwards. Particularly when I then spoke to BB and he was all "Did you have a good weekend? How's Smiler. I'm missing you, I love you, and so on and so on". And despite the fact that I still believe that given the emotional situation there were some 'extenuating circumstances', I know if it had been the other way round I wouldn't have accepted that, and that in fact I was just guilty, guilty, guilty!!!

So, you think I'd learn my lesson. But a year later, still with AB, when our relationship was all but down the pan, I did it again. With another of his best friends!! This time, with "Jason". Now, Jason and I had been friends for years, and had always had this flirty flirty relationship where we just seemed to always be seeing someone else when the other was single. There was definite chemistry there, and much much later I realised that sub-consciously I'd thought for years that he would be the one person I would end up with. So, I was unhappy, I knew me and AB were about done, he had gone to spend the weekend with his family in London, which I hadn't wanted him to do that weekend, and I knew that ending things was the right thing for both of us at the time, it was still an awfully sad time. Jason had just split up with his long term girlfriend and we went out for the night, as we had done many times before. Went back to mine for a drink and one thing led to another... Unlike with Smiler, it was fantastic. It was like coming home in a way. Emotional, tense, needed, a long time in the waiting. But despite that, and despite the fact that AB and I called it a day later that week, I still cheated, and I still felt awful about it, really really awful.

The only saving grace I have from those two occasions is that AB never found out. In fact, to this day I don't think he knows. Neither Smiler or Jason would be likely to tell him of course!! And I'm so glad for that! Not because of the shit I would no doubt have taken for it, but because it wouldn't have been fair for him to have to deal with that. He didn't need to know. He didn't need to have that potential negative impact on his life and his future.

And that brings me on to the subject of confessing to infidelity. In my opinion, don't!!! It is bad enough to cheat. It is far, far worse to admit to it!! What good does it do anybody?? It is the most selfish thing you can do, I think. To offload all that guilt and pain onto somebody else, especially on to somebody else who is innocent in the whole situation, is just damn selfish!! And people who do, do no more than take their burden and pass it on to somebody else so they can feel better about someting that is their fault!! Just hand it over and pat themselves on the back for being "so honest". Bullshit!! Fuck honesty in that situation. You dealt it, then you deal with it!!

So, that's my experiences with being a cheater. And it doesn't sit well with me. And not only has it felt bad, but I just don't get it!! If you can cheat on somebody, then you aren't with the right person. And if you're not with the right person then get out of it!! I know people may think this is simplistic, and maybe as I get older I can see that sometimes there are other factors that make things more complicated, and maybe some relationships can survive infidelity (to a point!), but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, if I loved somebody I would never, never cheat. I would rather leave first!

When I was with DM, despite the fact that SG was hot, and I did fancy him, of course I did, I would never in a million years have dreamed of doing anything with him. Why would I want to? I had everything, and more, that I could ever have wanted in a partner, what could another man have possibly given me? Why would I even think about putting that all at risk? I wouldn't! It's as simple as that!!

So, yes, I do believe in fidelity, and it's important to me that whoever I end up with (if I ever do of course!!), believes in that too! That said, if other people want to cheat then they can go ahead, that's their choice to make, and I wouldn't condemn people for making that choice. Damn, I've benefited myself from it enough in the past!!! And although I can juggle any amount of potentials and casuals, when it comes to love and R's, I'll stick to just one man thank you!

Well enough of that for today, and back to lighter times...! Having achieved my first successful youtube link yesterday, am getting cocky and posting another one! Just loving this on my cd player right now!!

Sex!

Well, as you all seem so interested, I thought I had better hold good my promise to blog on my opinions on sex! Not love, not "making love", not sex that occurs in long-term (or even short-term) relationships, but sex of the other varieties...

I have spoken about fuck buddies before, and have even drawn up my "rules for fuck buddies": (A day in the life of the ordinary girl: Rules!!) But I think it's important to expand on my views a little, or to attempt make it clearer anyway.

Fuck buddies are about sex. That's it really! It's about sex!!! Two people, who for whatever reason, want to fuck, and have found each other to fulfill that in themselves. Yes, maybe a glass of wine before. Yes, maybe a chat for a bit after. But no "just calling to see how you are doing". No going out for dinner. No trips to the cinema/pub/theatre. No building any kind of relationship that exists outside the bedroom (or other sexual arena). Of course honesty, mutual liking and respect are important, but it's not about the future, it's not about feelings, it's not about anything other than sex!! Have I made that clear?!!

And although that sounds very simple, don't get me wrong, I would argue that for most people it is not that easy. True fuck buddies are not easy to find, and not easy to keep. It requires a pretty exact match of two people's situations, timings, and emotions to be truly successful. One party can absolutely NOT want more than the other or it is not a genuine match of desire, and that mismatch is what stores up problems for the future.

As a matter of interest, and perhaps to add credence to my argument, I can cite my own experience. I have had many (many, many, many) sexual relationships. Don't ask me how many because actually I don't know! Why would I? Some of these have been one nighters, some for a short period of time, some for a longer period of time, some for a long, long time. Some of them have been awful, the majority have been good, some have been fantastic. Most have been ended by me but some have been ended by others, either mutually or occasionally not.

Anyway, out of all these varying and numerous sexual encounters, I have only ever managed to have 1, (yes I said 1!!) successful fuck buddy arrangement. An arrangement that we were both completely cool with, and that we both wanted the exact same thing out of. And it was great. Very freeing. Very undemanding. Very respectful. Very equal.

It lasted a few months until one of our situations changed and then it ended. No recriminations, no hurt feelings, no need for major discussion, just an acknowledgement of moving on. I still see him occasionally, we still flirt, he would probably be happy to go back to our arrangement (he has expressed that recently), but I am in a different place now, as is he, and I know it wouldn't work. So what would be the point?

Now,on to friends with benefits (FWB's). Although similar, this is NOT the same as a fuck buddy! Fuck buddies are about sex (they are called FUCK buddies you know!), FWB's are about FRIENDS, but with the added benefit of sex sometimes being thrown in.

So, feel free to do the ringing for a chat, the cinemas/pubs/clubs/theatres, building a friendship with this person. Because actually that is what this is primarily about. Acknowledging a mutual like for this person, a desire to spend some time with them, a wish to get to know them and to build a friendship for the future. And if sometimes after these mutually enjoyable friend times you happen to hit the sack and get raunchy then all well and good!!

However, and there is always a however, although FWB's are not the same as fuck buddies, there are some similarities. Although you may wish to have this person in your life as a friend, we can assume that you don't want to have a relationship with them (or you would!), so it is important to remember that. Again, it has to be an EQUAL relationship, one party can't want more than the other.

The sex is just an added benefit to what is already great, it is not the basis for your relationship, nor the be all and end all of it. It's the icing on the cake I guess, but you have to want the cake in the first place, and you have to be happy to have the cake without the icing! If you shag every time you see each other then I'd say warning bells should be ringing. And I'd argue it would be completely inappropriate to booty call an FWB, because that isn't the purpose of your relationship, it's an occasional result.

In some ways, this is harder to maintain than the fuck buddy thing. Because it involves some blurring of edges. It can get hazy and I'd say can be more likely to lead into dissatisfaction from one party, without the somewhat harsh rules of the FB situations to keep it in check. Again, it's all about balance, and all about mutual desires and expectations for the future.

That said, I have maintained a couple of good FWB situations over the years, but the benefits have been most definitely an incidental part of what has actually been very very good friendships. They take time, most definitely, in order to progress to being friends enough to cope with the benefits, and then to carry that friendship through when the time comes that the benefits are no longer appropriate.

Finally, just to cover casual sex... Take note of the word CASUAL! (You know, these things are named these ways for a reason!!!) Casual sex is where you probably know someone, (maybe you don't but in my world fucking strangers is just that, fucking strangers!), and you may have slept with them before, you may not. You may be friends, you may not. And for whatever reasons, at some point you end up shagging the brains out of each other. That's it! You might do it again a few weeks/months/years later when similar circumstances arrive, you might not. But if you do then it's a completely random occasion that 'just happens'. There is no forethought to it and there are no recriminations from it.

If it gets to be regular casual sex then depending on your relationship it might turn into a FWB or a FB situation, but the fundamental difference, I would argue, is that there isn't any 'planning' to it, either directly or indirectly. It doesn't have an ending or a beginning but is just a bunch of random and casual sexual contacts.

I have had no end of casual sex encounters. Some of them wonderful, some disappointing, some of them expected, but a lot of them completely surprising and all the better for being so unexpected. Some of them have been one offs, a lot of them have been repeated a few times. And if you accept casual sex for just as it is then this is perhaps the easiest to achieve, although in terms of filling a sexual gap on regular basis, the most dissatisfying. Again, it's all about knowing what situation you are in and accepting that for what it is, without wanting more. Sometimes you can misjudge it,or be misled by the other party, and it's shit, but that's okay. Just put it down to experience and be more careful in the future!

The bottom line of all the above situations... the one most important and fundamental aspect of any successful sex based relationship... is that it has to be mutually wanted, mutually fulfilling, and desired no more and no less by either party. It should of course always be respectful, honest and fun! If it's not, then potentially it results in a situation where one person is getting more than the other,which by default means one person is getting less than the other! And this leads to false hopes, feelings of rejection, resentment and the sense that somehow you have been 'used' or 'tricked' in some way. If you're happy to get yourself into a situation like that then go ahead, just don't say I didn't tell you so!!

Oh, one final point... In my experience, rarely do any of the above situations develop into "proper" relationships. It may happen, but not often, so bear that in mind and start as you mean to go on!!!

So, thats about it really!! Sex as seen by the Ordinary Girl!! I am sure there are plenty of people who would disagree with my "definitions", and that's fine, go ahead. I have nothing to prove and nothing to defend, it is merely my opinion after all. But trust me, I know what I'm talking about! ;-)

Anonymous

There are places I remember,
All my life, though some have changed.
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain.

All these places have their moments,
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compares with you.
And these memories lose their meaning,
When I think of love as something new.

And I know I'll never lose affection,
For people and things that came before.
Though I'll often stop and think about them,
In my life I've loved you more.

Inspired

Inspired by Sleepless' recent post http://sleeplessinstaffordshire.blogspot.com/2006/10/20-questions-why-am-i-still-single.html I decided I should do something similar myself about why I'm still single (well I suppose technically not!), so here goes....










HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG????!!!!!!!!




Say no more really!

Posts for the future

In no particular order...

1. What I love about men and their cocks to include blowjobs, manners and swallowing
2. Women, orgasms and sex
3. Sexual submission and real life dominance
4. Dating with kids
4. To settle or not to settle, that is the question
5. Shakespeare - Mercutio

Just thought I would post this to remind myself of things I wanted to post about.

Realisation

I've realised over the last few days that back in mid-November when I began fighting for my future, I got it wrong.

Twice in my life before I had felt something reasonably serious about somebody that I believed was reciprocated, and twice before I had shown my vulnerability and my need. Twice before I had opened myself up and trusted in that, only to have that be the thing that drove them away. To be told it was too much, that they needed space, and that because I didn't give them that I had ended up pushing them away. To find out that it wasn't really reciprocated at all.

Because of that, I was scared I was coming on too strong. I was scared that I was frightening him away, I was scared that I seemed too needy, I was scared that he couldn't handle that vulnerable side of me. I was just plain scared.

So, I backed off. I wanted to show him I wasn't needy, wasn't clingy, wasn't pressurising him. I wanted to show him that it was fine, that I could give him space, that I wasn't demanding, that I didn't need him.

I got it wrong.

Walls

Having been meaning to steal this quote from Kris http://aguardedheart.blogspot.com/ for some time...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down".

I love this. Really do. I just think it sums things up so well. However, I would also like to add a little thought of my own...

"Sometimes you need to know when to put down the hammer and when to pick it up".