Another weekend over

After massive work stress on Friday, (more to come tomorrow when I can face thinking about it!), and a call from school to collect X early as she was stil poorly, I was glad I had nothing more than a quiet evening in with Big Brother to look forward to! Settled down with a glass of wine and the telly before later spending a bit of time on the pc exchanging porn clips with DB!! Most amusing!

Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!

Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.

Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.

One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!

Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!

Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!

Yay! I'm back! (Well nearly!)

Hurrah hurrah!! I am back in Blogland! Although currently posting from work, so just a quickie, as home pc still knackered and damn elves didn't put out! Ho hum. Man coming to look at pc on Friday, so fingers crossed I will be back with a vengeance over the weekend. And I have lots of catching up to do....!

Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...

Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!

Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!

Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!

It's official

Yay! I am now officially single again! Woooooohoooooo!!!

After much consternation (yes that's constERNATION, not bowel problems!!) today about the CM situation, particularly after the somewhat unsatisfactory end to Friday night, I decided to take the bull by the horns, get my head out of the proverbial sand, and be brave! So I text him!! (Hey, there's a limit to how brave a girl can be!!)

After half an hour composing a suitably friendly, honest and kind way to dump him, I ended up with this monstrosity...

Hi there, hope you're ok. Sorry about Friday night, I didn't plan for that to come out that way. I'm not very good at this sort of stuff. You're a great bloke, it's just not really the right time for me I think. I'd still really like to see you more often than I used to, if only for cheesy jokes :-), but I really need to concentrate on the kids and work, and I don't want to get to the point where I'm being a bitch to you. You're worth more than that. I hope you understand and we can go back to being mates ok, but I'll understand if not. Take care and I will hopefully see you soon. x PS. Sorry about texting, I'm a chicken :-/

So, I take a deep breath and hit send!

Five minutes later my phone beeps. I wince, open it like it may explode in my hand and check the name. Yep! CM replies. With eyes half shut I click open, and read...

Lol. Me too. Didn't want to spoil your birthday, but couldn't tell you that I didn't feel things were right for me :-) Hope we can still be friends too :-D

Laughing my arse off!!!! All that angst! All for nothing! Bloody bollocking bastard!

Only one thing left to say...


NEXT!

Another year!

My head is hurting!

For those of you that remembered my birthday, and commented, thank you very muchly. I am flattered :-)

Did I mention my head hurts by the way?

Birthday synopsis...

Tralalalala

• Lots of lovely birthday wishes.
• A relatively easy day of training for work
• Lovely evening with dozen friends, some of whom I haven't seen for a while
• Yummy scrummy chinese food
• Some really nice/cool/thoughtful pressies
• Dancing in favourite pub
• Lots of laughing until early this morning, helped by copius (for me) amounts of plum vodka and ouzo (yes you did read that right!)

More ah than tralalalala

• A wobble - it's a year that I've been officially single, although it took me until 4.20pm to realise I hadn't had a birthday text from that individual. I wasn't expecting one, and I didn't really want one to be honest, that door is closed now, but having the thought and realising the progress that I've made for it to take so long to come is kind of what upset me. (Not sure that makes sense, but there you go!)
• I think I've seriously set the ball rolling in terms of finishing it with CM, which is not a pleasant thing to do, especially not at 5.30am after a birthday night out!
• I drunken text Sexy Gardener :-/ (Nothing too bad on checking this morning, thank god).
• And did I mention my head hurts??

And I'm supposed to be going to a party in home town, followed by a funk night over in local town tonight! Think I'm too old already....

Return

I'm back!! I can't believe I haven't posted since Monday!!! Blimey g'vner! I have had a busy week and am now knackered. And I've also been a bit low this week. A combination of things really; struggling a bit with some self confidence issues (physically), but mainly this time of year I think. I'll be happier once we're into January!

So, what have I been up to? Well, I was poorly poorly Sunday and Monday (and now X is poorly tonight! Though thankfully no throwing up. Yet! I suspect I shall be having a little visitor into bed with me tonight!). I had outreach on Tuesday so didn't get back until late and was generally whacked out. Wednesday my friend Disco came round for the evening, pretty much straight from work, so we spent the evening yapping and gossiping as girlies do! (And what a suspicious mind you have Joe!!), then last night I went to see the new James Blond with CM.

A quick note on James Blond... I have to admit to being a tad doubtful at a blondies ability to pull it off properly, but having seen the film I have to say I was pleasantly surprised! He is a completely different Bond to those who have come before; a much more kick ass Bond, but it actually works. On the negative side, I thought it was pushing it a bit for a 12A (the torture scene was a bit too much I thought!), I missed the sleazy one liners that have been so much a part of the previous films, the plot was a little all over the place in parts, and the love stuff was way overplayed for my liking. They could easily have cut 75% of that and still got the feel. All in all though, it was a damn good watch and I'm much impressed with Mr Craig! (Still don't fancy him though!)

I am absolutely GUTTTED though, that I missed the last 2 bloody minutes!!!!!! Can you believe it! Twat! That's what I am! I was busting for a wee, and didn't want to go because I didn't want to miss anything, (it is a bit like that, non-stop action), but eventually right at the end (I know now!), it seemed like it was finishing and then started going into something else. So, bladder despairing I nipped out for a quick wee to be back for what I figured would be the last 15mins or so. I swear, I had literally just got off the toilet and was zipping my jeans when I heard the bloody theme tune coming through the ceiling from the cinema above!!! Gutted. And then I had to go through the embarrassment of wallking back up the stairs to the cinema as the entire audience was now coming down! I bet they were all thinking... Twat! And they'd be right. CM filled in the plot gap and I obviously didn't miss much, but still damn annoying!

Back to real life... I have a post half finished about my "criteria" for men, but I am really really struggling with it! I feel a bit at sixes and sevens at the moment, and just can't actually get straight in my head what it is I DO want. If anything at all to be honest. That combined with sickness, tiredness, this time of year, and a general body image crisis is not really a conducive atmosphere for figuring out what I want/need. I didn't think it would be this hard, but it is! So, I shall have to get my head around it a bit more first.

So, that's about it for now. Thanks to you all for checking in, I will try and catch up with blogs over the weekend, though I'm out partying Saturday night (assuming X is better of course!), so not sure how much time I will have. But I am sure normal service will resume shortly!

So much for Saturday night!

Well, I'm bloody home already!! Alone!! In my comfy's with a microwave spinach ricotta cannelloni for company!! Goddamn!

The evening with mates was very nice but finished earlier than expected. And then B didn't want to go on anywhere so she got a kebab, got dropped off and I came home to the above scenario! Whoopdebloodydo! What an exciting Saturday night that turned out to be!

CM had come out but then gone to find some mates, which was all good with me as I thought I would be out being amused for several hours later than I have been. So I didn't even get the "nice" shag, let alone the low down and dirty one!

Ho hum, I guess blogland and wanking here I cum...!

Buggering bugger!!

I am going out to out of town pub tonight for a few drinks with one of the girls from work, who's birthday it is, and some of her mates. Going with my mate B (female), after telling CM in the week that I couldn't see him tonight (he was busy last night too).

So, I was in the bath this afternoon, just thinking about the evening, and he text to say hi, etc and to say that it was just him and M out tonight. Now, this got me thinking about M, and about how I could do with a bit of a flirt with him, and how if all four of us went out it could be quite fun , and so I text CM and said he and M could come out with us if they fancied (after checking with B first of course!)

Anyway, after much debating because KD suddenly decided he wanted to go out but only wants to go to hometown local, and M doesn't want to upset KD, and CM doesnt want to upset KD but doesnt want to stay in hometown, and much "for god's sake how bloody old are you lot of GROWN MEN?!!!" from me to CM, the upshot is that CM is coming out with me and B on his own.

GODDAMN!!!! No flirting with M, and now I won't even be able to pull.... :-( Guess that's what you get for being greedy...!

Calm

This is the post I started yesterday, before I read a really nice comment from 'Dave in Chicago', commenting on a post I wrote a month ago about cutting the cord. It prompted me to go back and read what I'd written, and as you can tell from last nights posts, made me sad.

But back to today... Life is pretty calm at the moment. I am feeling very cool about pretty much everything. And not in a bad way!! Cool with the CM situation after M's comments at the weekend. Cool with flirting with M Saturday night. Cool with biding my time for the potential SG action. Cool with my online chatting buddy/potential meet. Even cool(ish) with the lack of my DM! I'm not too used to calm, and generally it doesn't sit well with me, but manic can't be maintained for too long without the lull, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm (which will of course invariably come!!).

The benefit of calm of course is that I have more time for slightly more random blogging; a more general perception into my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc rather than trying to keep up with the complexities of actual life.

So, that said, and in response to some of the comments from my previous post, as well as some recent posts by Joe, I thought I would expand a little on the "Sex" post with a few thoughts on relationships, monogomy, fidelity and maybe even sex in relationships? Who knows, lets just see where the rambling leads....

A couple of you mentioned the R, namely the relationship thing. Just want to get one thing straight. I don't believe FBs, FWBs or casual sex is necessarily the way to go, and I can't stress enough how difficult these types of encounters are to successfully maintain. But they have their time and their place, and can be really rewarding in many instances. That said, though it may seem as if that is all I'm interested in, in fact, what I would like, of course, is to meet somebody (else) who makes me want to dive wholeheartedly into the R!!

That too is not easy to achieve, and while getting a shag is, quite frankly, bloody easy, and getting a "boyfriend" (God I hate that word, sounds like school days!) is actually pretty easy too, finding someone that I want to be with and wants to be with me in equal measure is damn bloody difficult. Factor in the need for mental, emotional and physical stimulation as well as a damn good sex life, and it's no wonder it took me 17 years of relationships to meet that person!!!

And however great FBs, FWBs and casual sex may be, I know from experience that in terms of consistent emotional and sexual satisfaction, there is nothing like having fantastic sex with someone you love and who loves you too. And that can never be underestimated!

It may surprise some of you to know that despite my somewhat 'colourful' past, I am a great believer in my own fidelity. In fact, I'm not, by nature, a cheater. Never have been, doubt I ever will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no complete innocent, I have cheated twice in my life that I can recall. (I'm still trying to work out if fucking MW the other week was cheating on CM?? Maybe. I can see an argument for it being. But to be honest, me and CM are so casual that I don't really believe that it was. Feel free to disagree!). Anyway, back to the point. It's not a massive moral issue, in fact I have encouraged plenty of infidelity in others, but in myself...? No.

The only two times I consider that I truly cheated were on the same boyfriend. A long term boyfriend, Army Boy, who I was seeing for about 9 months before he left the army and moved in with me for another 6months. I genuinely thought the world of him, and still do! He is a great bloke and we had a fantastic time the whole time we were together, but in the end we were just in different places and wanting different things. We called it a day mutually but sadly.

About 3 months into the relationship, with AB away at base for the 3rd weekend in a row, and me feeling like he wasn't that bothered about being with me, I went out for the night with "Smiler", a really really close mate of AB and an ex-boyfriend of mine (it was Smiler that introduced us!), that I was still really close too, and had previously developed a satisfactory (if sporadic) FWB relationship with. And that night he started to get a bit frisky, and I told him not to because I really liked AB, and then he really really piled on the pressure and the guilt trip about how I loved AB more than him now, blah blah blah. And being a sucker, and feeling guilty for rejecting him, and feeling unloved by AB, I shagged him. I didn't enjoy it at the time, I didn't feel good about it at the time, and I felt like fucking shit afterwards. Particularly when I then spoke to BB and he was all "Did you have a good weekend? How's Smiler. I'm missing you, I love you, and so on and so on". And despite the fact that I still believe that given the emotional situation there were some 'extenuating circumstances', I know if it had been the other way round I wouldn't have accepted that, and that in fact I was just guilty, guilty, guilty!!!

So, you think I'd learn my lesson. But a year later, still with AB, when our relationship was all but down the pan, I did it again. With another of his best friends!! This time, with "Jason". Now, Jason and I had been friends for years, and had always had this flirty flirty relationship where we just seemed to always be seeing someone else when the other was single. There was definite chemistry there, and much much later I realised that sub-consciously I'd thought for years that he would be the one person I would end up with. So, I was unhappy, I knew me and AB were about done, he had gone to spend the weekend with his family in London, which I hadn't wanted him to do that weekend, and I knew that ending things was the right thing for both of us at the time, it was still an awfully sad time. Jason had just split up with his long term girlfriend and we went out for the night, as we had done many times before. Went back to mine for a drink and one thing led to another... Unlike with Smiler, it was fantastic. It was like coming home in a way. Emotional, tense, needed, a long time in the waiting. But despite that, and despite the fact that AB and I called it a day later that week, I still cheated, and I still felt awful about it, really really awful.

The only saving grace I have from those two occasions is that AB never found out. In fact, to this day I don't think he knows. Neither Smiler or Jason would be likely to tell him of course!! And I'm so glad for that! Not because of the shit I would no doubt have taken for it, but because it wouldn't have been fair for him to have to deal with that. He didn't need to know. He didn't need to have that potential negative impact on his life and his future.

And that brings me on to the subject of confessing to infidelity. In my opinion, don't!!! It is bad enough to cheat. It is far, far worse to admit to it!! What good does it do anybody?? It is the most selfish thing you can do, I think. To offload all that guilt and pain onto somebody else, especially on to somebody else who is innocent in the whole situation, is just damn selfish!! And people who do, do no more than take their burden and pass it on to somebody else so they can feel better about someting that is their fault!! Just hand it over and pat themselves on the back for being "so honest". Bullshit!! Fuck honesty in that situation. You dealt it, then you deal with it!!

So, that's my experiences with being a cheater. And it doesn't sit well with me. And not only has it felt bad, but I just don't get it!! If you can cheat on somebody, then you aren't with the right person. And if you're not with the right person then get out of it!! I know people may think this is simplistic, and maybe as I get older I can see that sometimes there are other factors that make things more complicated, and maybe some relationships can survive infidelity (to a point!), but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, if I loved somebody I would never, never cheat. I would rather leave first!

When I was with DM, despite the fact that SG was hot, and I did fancy him, of course I did, I would never in a million years have dreamed of doing anything with him. Why would I want to? I had everything, and more, that I could ever have wanted in a partner, what could another man have possibly given me? Why would I even think about putting that all at risk? I wouldn't! It's as simple as that!!

So, yes, I do believe in fidelity, and it's important to me that whoever I end up with (if I ever do of course!!), believes in that too! That said, if other people want to cheat then they can go ahead, that's their choice to make, and I wouldn't condemn people for making that choice. Damn, I've benefited myself from it enough in the past!!! And although I can juggle any amount of potentials and casuals, when it comes to love and R's, I'll stick to just one man thank you!

Well enough of that for today, and back to lighter times...! Having achieved my first successful youtube link yesterday, am getting cocky and posting another one! Just loving this on my cd player right now!!

Weekend...

A fairly uneventful weekend. Well if you discount the drunken twattiness of Friday night, and the general dissatisfaction with my life on Saturday!! As I said, I struggled a little this weekend with DM stuff, but pleased to say that I'm back to normal twattiness now! I guess every day that goes by I come closer to forgetting, and every bad day I have moves me further down the great path of recovery, whether I want to go there or not!!

Anyway, the weekend... Went out Saturday night with CM to a friend's son's 18th birthday party!!! I ask you!!! Only went because it was also my friend Disco's birthday, so wanted to see her of course. Fortunately for us, she left early due to some boyfriend stuff, so we managed to escape the joy of a club full of 18yr olds enjoying trance, drum and bass, house, hip hop and god knows what other sort of music I am far too old for!

CM and I saw M and KD at the party, then hooked up with them again when we left (they had lasted even less time than we did!), and went to my favourite divey pub. And actually, we had a really good time. Well I vertainly did and that's what's important :-)

I have to say I absolutely adore being the only female in a group of men that I know and like. I love it, love it, love it! You just get treated so nicely, but at the same time get to indulge in plenty of laddish behaviour. And all three of these boys are great blokes! Even KD, who can be a bit of a self deprecating moany sod sometimes, was on top form. Laughing and chatting and dancing. And M was keeping us very entertained with some cheeky piss takey dance moves and lots of dry humour.

Man, he is a cocky, cheeky, arrogant little fucker, but I just love that. And I have to admit to a tiny bit of flirting... (okay, a whole lot of flirting, considering CM was about and I didn't want to take the piss!!). And although I was a bit concerned about how we would be, considering a couple of weeks ago when I saw him and it was awkward to say the least, Saturday night it was actually really good. In fact, better than really good. We had a bit of a chat and then lapsed straight back into the banter and how we used to be. Which is all good!!

And there is definitely still a chemistry vibe there. And a couple of times I felt that CM was aware of that, and aware of the fact that much as me and him get on, there isn't the same kind of underlying sexual tension there. And don't get me wrong, that is all it is! But what was interesting, was that 2 different people came over to the 4 of us during the night (that they knew but I didn't) and asked if I was M's girlfriend!! So, it's obviously not just me that picked up on it.

So, there was some mild flirting with me and M, a bit of suggestive chat, the spoken acknowledgement of our past and the hint that we are probably not done yet. And that was how it was left, which is very cool with me!

I don't think M would push it while I am still seeing CM, but there is definite possibility for the future. And I like that. Bad bad girl that I am. In fact, I was naughty enough to text M when I got home (who'd made a point of asking if CM was staying over that night), just saying "Night ;-)". He texted back "You be careful", to which I replied "I'm always careful!". Interesting. Very very interesting!!

Another good thing that came out of Saturday night is that M asked CM how he felt about me. Which made me brace myself for the worst when he told me later, but in fact CM said he thinks 'I'm a really great girl but he's not sure it's the right time for him'.

Oh the relief! I feel much more relaxed about the situation now I know he's not falling or investing too much in the situation, and I figure it's cool for us to just enjoy each other's company and the shag until we're not enjoying it anymore. And I think that's probably where he's at too. (I have to admit to dropping a few vague comments into the conversation Sunday morning that implied I didn't expect us to be a forever situation - well never let it be said I lead people on!!)

So, all in all a mixed weekend. I survived Friday night and Saturday, I enjoyed Saturday night and had an okay Sunday. I guess ups and downs are what it's all about!

Stinking cold!

Judgement has descended!! After cancelling CM on Sunday night with the excuse of being knackered and not feeling well, I now feel like crap!!

I have had a bit of a cold coming since Tuesday morning and now have a sniffy nose, a bad chest and my period!! Goddammit!!

And it's nearly the weekend!!!!

Enter the puppy...!

Saw CM last night. In typical fashion, as I am now expressing signs (albeit unconscious ones) that my desire may be waning, the puppy has been awakened. Last night I got lots of loving looks, etc, and it just made me feel uncomfortable. I'm going to have to resolve this soon I think!

A brighter day

Feeling much brighter today. Things much more in perspective! Amazing what getting it all off your chest and a good nights sleep can do!! And flirting with SG and knowing I didn't do anything rash with CM helped too of course :-)

Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.

If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows

Feeling shit today has not been helped by the fact that I feel fucking awful for CM, lovely decent man that he is.

I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.

I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.

This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:

"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"

I didn't send it, and then MW text me!

And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.

So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.

But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.

So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.

Improvements

I spent the majority of last night in a village working men's club! What the fuck!!!! How did I go from hot cool dates with DM to fucking working men's clubs with CM??? That is something that will definitely need addressing. I may be a divey pub kind of girl but I draw the line at WMC's! I will allow it as a one off, as we went to meet up with a couple of his mates that live in the village (the same village I lived in from 10-19 and would not return to!!), one of which was M. Which I have to say was a little strange, and slightly uncomfortable for the both of us, though CM seemed fine with it.

The difficulty was that I have always been quite flirty with M, and lots of banter etc, and it doesn't feel appropriate to be like that with him no - don't want to give anybody the wrong impressions. So, I'm not sure how to be with him. He seemed fine most of the night, I was quite quiet, not my usually gobby self, because of the situation and also because I don't know the other people fantastically well, but he did mention at the beginning (it was just me and him at that point), that he was glad me and CM had got it together. I just kind of dismissed it, and didn't really get the chance to comment after that. Though what would I say anyway?? He seemed fine for most of the evening, but that said I did feel he struggled a couple of times, and when CM and I went to leave (before the others) he did seem a little odd. And CM commented on that himself after we had gone, so it wasn't just me. His bloody loss though, he could have had a fucking great fuck buddy relationship if he had put a bit of effort in.

Have to say, I did find myself looking at M's hands and thinking 'those fingers have been inside me'. And then going on to think about how good it had felt when he slid his cock into me. And then had to stop myself having those wicked thoughts!

Anyway, enough thoughts about M! Sex with CM is looking up a little. Not sure if it was because he had had a few beers last night and was more relaxed but it was much much better. Which is a fucking good thing! Still not perfect, and still struggling with his size, and the fact that he is not DM, but generally it was the best it's been so there is hope!!

The only downside is I'm just not sure his sex drive is as high as mine, or sex is as important to him. I woke up this morning, and knew he had to leave quite early because he had some stuff planned today, but still felt the need to have a bit of a play with his chest, stomach, tops of thighs, etc - just skimming over his cock occasionally, which usually gives most men the green light for a nice lazy morning quickie, but I didn't really get a reaction! And definitely not him getting a raging hard on that he was just forced to slide into me!! Bummer!!

I think he is just quite controlled with himself. LIke before we went out last night, we were kissing, and I was straddling him on the sofa, and generally getting quite friendly, and he's a bit "come on, stop it or you'll get me all excited and you don't want to go out smelling all spunky". And I hate that really. I want to be with someone who can't help themselves but want me, (at least most of the time), and that I know fancies the fucking pants off me, and will take the lead and love that I am horny all the time, and will say "fuck going out, get your kit off and get up those stairs". With CM I guess I'm just not sure.

Like I said though, vast improvement on previously, so am sticking with it for a while (don't think it would take much to tempt me away though!), and keeping my fingers crossed. Probably not going to see him again until Sunday though, which is a fucker as I kind of want to pick up the pace now it's improved. And I'm still bloody horny!!

I have a real thing in my head at the moment about wanting to be tied and blindfolded and be free to be able to selfishly submit to some serious pleasure from a skilled skilled man. Think I need the release!

Flirting

Had a long hard day at work yesterday, spending all afternoon in a drug clinic with clients. Loving it though. Didn't leave until nearly 7pm, and then picked up X from a friends and stayed for a chat, before doing a MacDonalds run for darling X who had had dinner already but was "starving". Poor little mite! Yeah right!!!

Ended up not getting home til about 8.30pm so had to text CM and tell him not to rush as the house looked like a bomb had hit it and I'd only just got in. And my bastard cat has been peeing in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact he has a litter tray. Bloody animal!!! So after putting X to bed, washing up, tidying and hoovering, I had to hunt high and low for a damp patch and then Febreze and air freshener the place thoroughly.

Anyway, enough with the humdrum, the important thing (lol) is that CM came over, we did the usual chat, tv, snuggle, non-sexual thing for ages and then finally managed to get it on!! Hoobloodyrah!! I got a shag! Yay! We still need to do some serious work on it unfortunately, but there was a little progress. I think he needs some confidence building and a few directions in finesse, and I need to get used to shagging someone so big (unfortunately NOT in that department before you think it!!!), but it has potential. And we get to practise again tonight!

But what is it about getting sex that makes you want more?!! Because today I am as horny as Little Miss Horny from Horny Street in Hornytown, Hornsville! Seriously! I went shopping this morning and was sure people could see a damp patch seeping through my combats! Even sitting here typing this I'm soaking wet and all throbby and just generally grrrr!!!

I woke up like this, after having a very bizarre and rather naughty dream about an old flirt (never touched unfortunately) friend of mine (now married), who shall henceforth be known as Diamond Geezer (DG) because basically he is an absolute diamond. The dream was about this blog of someone having an affair, which was quite explicit, and I had been reading it and realised it was DG. And then as dreams do that weird twisting thing I was suddenly the girl that he was having the affair with and we were getting all fruity and so on, until I had to wake up. Boo!!

I have to say this is not the first time I have had saucy dreams about DG, who I don't see/speak to anywhere near enough these days, but it is the first time I have dreamt about a blog! Damn addictive blogland!!

Anyway, so I woke all horny and wet, and with my brain still twisted by the state of my libido I did a naughty thing....

I texted DG!

'Hello DG. Just woke up from a really bizarre dream about you! So thought I'd say hi. Hope you all good x'

See, I'm a bad bad girl. And I need to be punished :-) I think I must need the drama in my life!

Now, I had kept it reasonably light, as firstly he is married and there is a possibility his wife could read it, but also because although we have been flirty, as I said, I don't really see him too much anymore, and nothing has ever happened between us in the past (he's another one like CM that I went out with one of his mates years and years ago and then shagged his other mate several times on and off about 6 yrs ago! - in fact we always joke I need to do DG to get the hat trick!), although we have raised it as a possibility at times, and I wish I had!

His answer, pretty quickly...

'Was it rude?'

Oooh, the horniness is not being helped by this!! What am I doing? I like it, but keep it light...

'Maybe a little :-)'

His response...

'Can you be a bit more specific. What sort of condition did you wake in..?'

Hmmm, some fishing I think. Like the flirting but not feeling in the mood to get into full blown text sex in the middle of Tesco's...

'You are a bad man! Let's just say I've got ants in my pants now!'

And then a long long pause before....

'Hope you are keeping well. Moving to "more local town" soon so should get to "hometown" a bit more. Also working back in "hometown" after a year in "not very local town".

What?? Where did that come from?? A most odd response. So I wrote it off as a mixed message situation, decided to stick with friendly and replied...

'I'm all good cheers. Let me know if you're about. Be cool to catch up. Take care x'

And then I get this...

'Take care and may all your dreams come true.'

I tell you, that kind of bizarre subtle flirting is enough to tip a horny girl right over the edge! Yum yum yum. Strange, granted! But yum yum nonetheless. It's like Sexy Gardener http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/sexy-gardener-and-random-texts.html#links , I just love those random flirtations :-)

So, X is off to her daddy's at 4.30pm, to stay overnight, Y is already at his for the weekend, so I only have 3 hours to kill until an empty house, when I'm going to be doing some serious playing with that wet, throbbing part of me whilst thinking of DG...

(If I can last that long!!!)

Out of my mind

I really am some kind of crazy woman! I set off tonight all happy and jolly to see CM, a little early because I was ready, so thought I would have an hour of nice night time driving. My favourite. I literally drive for hours sometimes going nowhere and for no reason.

I headed towards CM's town, and then turned back around to mine just to enjoy my music and driving and to kill the time. Halfway there I just got a massive compulsion, and that is what it is like, a craving almost, to drive towards DM's house. Seriously, it was like every fibre of my being telling me to go there. Like a fucking homing pigeon!! Which is stupid because he doesn't even live there anymore!! And I just got really blue about that and ended up having a few tears. And I got to thinking... if something happened to me, he wouldn't know. (Up until last week he was still my ICE number in my phone!), and if he found out how would he feel? Would he regret his decision? Would he be sad at missed opportunities? I don't know and I don't suppose it matters, but it drives me mad that I can't switch off from him, that I still drive 30 miles to a house he doesn't live in anymore!! I actuallygot half way there before I was capable of turning the car around and heading to CM's, which meant I was about an hour late getting to him.

Why do I do this crazy stuff?? I'm glad I don't have his number any more because I definitely would have text him tonight, and I can't do that anymore. Not because I don't want to, I do, he is in my head nearly all the time at the moment, but because I know there is no point. Even if he texts back it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he's coming back.

So, I turned the car around (reluctantly) and headed to my 'moving forward'. And had a nice night. I always do with CM, he really makes me smile. No funny business, taking that nice and slow, but good nonetheless.

Woohoo!

Change of plans for me... instead of a long day at work, outreach has been cancelled leaving me with a babysitter and nowhere to go! So I'm off to see CM for a while in a bit. Hooray!

For joe!

Thought I'd better do some posting about CM (as specially requested by Joe http://amalemind.blogspot.com/ !), and I realise I have neglected him on here of late.

Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.

If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.

So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".

A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.

I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).

After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.

On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.

Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).

So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.

It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.

I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.

Lust

I can't stop thinking about fucking CM! Seriously. It's ridiculous. I don't know whether it's because the DM thing is over and my head isn't used to having such free space, or because I was about a minute away from cumming on him while we were both fully clothed on Friday, but I have had more wanks this weekend and today that I know what to do with!! And the crazy thing is I saw him last night and nothing happened. Nothing at all!!!

Obviously I wanted it to, badly, but much as I'm all up for some rampant sexual activity, I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to making the first move (well, at least until after I've shagged them!). Sexist I know, but there it is. It didn't help that I still have my period, which normally wouldn't be a problem but the first time? Not an ideal situation.

So, he came over last night, after an invite from me rather than a request from him, and we watched tv and chatted and generally had a good evening, pretty snuggled up on the sofa. But he didn't make a move. And even when he went I didn't even get a bloody good snog! Just a few chaste kisses. Grrr!

I think he's maybe waiting for me to take things further, (I think he's a bit of a gent, and of course, he hasn't had any physical contact with anyone for 18 months, and we did some talking about ex relationships and DM, and I had made him go home extremely hot and horny on Friday night, etc) but much as I wanted him, I mean really really wanted him, I wanted him to start it. And he didn't. So this evening I decided to up the ante a little. After all, we've been on three dates now, and Friday got pretty damn hot! So, enjoy the following flirty text conversation...
(I'm sorry, I just love posting my texts!!)

Me - Have you got a double bed?
CM - Yes
Me - Good. Think it's about time we made use of it!
CM - Did I mention it's in bits in my mum's garage! But I am using one of hers in the spare room :-$
That sounds like fun :-P
Me -You had me for a minute there! Glad to hear you think it will be fun. You've been so well behaved I was starting to wonder. Roll on Thurs...
CM - Like we were saying last night, don't want to hurt or get hurt
Me - Do you know what. I think we will both be fine. No need to over analyse I reckon. Just see how it goes...
Me - And preferably get naked!
CM - Sounds good
Me - Seriously, if I want to see you it's because I want to see you. Not that I'm about to declare undying love. That said, I'm not going to be seeing anyone else at the same time. Hopefully we're both thinking that. And I can't help it if at the moment I'm just damn horny :-)
CM - That's fine. By the way, hope you have some ear plugs. Not for me, the bed is kind of noisy just sleeping in it :-P
Me - Jeez. Will you stop with the wisecracks. Thought you were going to tell me you're a screamer! Anyway, not to worry, at your age and with your poor back we'll have to go gently :-D
CM - You will just have to be gentle with me
Me - Always am! Sack of potatoes shag me you know ;-) Now enough of this talk, I'm bad enough already! Have a good week, rest that back, see you soon x
CM - C u then x

There really is nothing like a flirty conversation to get a girl going! Not to mention the memory of how hard his cock was through his jeans on Friday night... Oh god, and the fact he has the most delightful feeling thighs... (did I mention how much I love the feel of the back of a good pair of thighs?!) ...And the way he ran his hands up my back... And the thought of his fingers just grazing my nipples...

See, it's no good!!! What is a girl to do....?

Time for a change of mood...

Jesus, my blog has been depressing lately!! Time for a change of mood methinks! The worst is behind me now and actually I feel pretty good. I'm surprised at myself. I think it's because I've done so much grieving and wondering over the last ten months that there is nothing left now it's finally over.

Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.

Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...

Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!

So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.

Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?

PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!