In other news, DB has asked if I want to do a hotel night with him this week!!! Apart from childcare difficulties, I'm not sure at the moment whether I want to or not, or whether he would actually go through with it.
I guess time will tell!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Ah bless!
Been feeling fine about the SG thing really, not a jot of regret, or of hankering for a repeat. Just completely cool with the situation. That said, it was nice to recieve this out of the blue today...
Hiya pickle, hope you're good. I hope we can still be friends. I have bured (??bored/buried?? - anyone??) myself this week for the connection we made. I hold it in my heart. I hope we can still chat from time to time Are we cool?
How do, chicken. Course we cool, you daft sod :-) Glad to hear you're working hard (for some reason I thought he meant buried himself in his work?! Doh!). My new gardener came but not anywhere near as sexy ;-) Happy to chat anytime x
Thank you.
All well and good, but for goodness sake man! It was just a bloody shag!!
Hiya pickle, hope you're good. I hope we can still be friends. I have bured (??bored/buried?? - anyone??) myself this week for the connection we made. I hold it in my heart. I hope we can still chat from time to time Are we cool?
How do, chicken. Course we cool, you daft sod :-) Glad to hear you're working hard (for some reason I thought he meant buried himself in his work?! Doh!). My new gardener came but not anywhere near as sexy ;-) Happy to chat anytime x
Thank you.
All well and good, but for goodness sake man! It was just a bloody shag!!
Mary Poppins
Well, not exactly, but I've certainly been doing the mothering thing the last few days!!
Yesterday I had planned for us to go to Vi's barbecue after our Sunday swimming session, but after an hour of "floating fun" in our local pool (where there were only about 14 other people in the whole pool!), both my kids were sniping and grumpy, and I was in no mood to inflict them on innocent people I didn't know. (Sorry Vi). Instead we came home, and after lunch went around the park area at the back of my house and picked blackberries for an hour. Yes, a whole mixing bowl of them!* I then cooked a roast chicken dinner at X's request and peace seemed to be restored for the evening.
Today, I woke about ten (after not getting to sleep until 4.30am) and decided on a whim to head to the seaside. So, after eventually getting everything organised, followed by a trip to the bank to raid X's bank account due to skintage, and a couple of hours drive, we arrived at Sunny Hunny, which although a bit of a small and crappy seaside resort has a lovely beach and some beautiful town and is perfect for sun, sea and sand. The weather held quite nicely, though it could have been hotter, and much sand castle building commenced, along with some sea paddling for me, sea splashing for Y, and sea swimming for X! The water was surprisingly warm actually. Finished the day with a fish and chip tea on the seafront and an ice cream and finally arrived home about 8.30pm. More baths, and now X is snoring, Y is boxing on his Wii and I am attempting to ignore the state of my house (including yesterday's roast dinner washing up!)
Tomorrow... Warwick Castle awaits!
*Unfortunately, being the non-Nigella that I am, and in a rush to get out of the house this morning, I thought I would quickly stew the blackberries down to then fridge/freeze for crumble making. However, I forgot that stewing requires a cup of water, sugar, and the fruit, and instead put enough water in to sink a tank. The end result - boiled blackberries. Erm, yum!
Yesterday I had planned for us to go to Vi's barbecue after our Sunday swimming session, but after an hour of "floating fun" in our local pool (where there were only about 14 other people in the whole pool!), both my kids were sniping and grumpy, and I was in no mood to inflict them on innocent people I didn't know. (Sorry Vi). Instead we came home, and after lunch went around the park area at the back of my house and picked blackberries for an hour. Yes, a whole mixing bowl of them!* I then cooked a roast chicken dinner at X's request and peace seemed to be restored for the evening.
Today, I woke about ten (after not getting to sleep until 4.30am) and decided on a whim to head to the seaside. So, after eventually getting everything organised, followed by a trip to the bank to raid X's bank account due to skintage, and a couple of hours drive, we arrived at Sunny Hunny, which although a bit of a small and crappy seaside resort has a lovely beach and some beautiful town and is perfect for sun, sea and sand. The weather held quite nicely, though it could have been hotter, and much sand castle building commenced, along with some sea paddling for me, sea splashing for Y, and sea swimming for X! The water was surprisingly warm actually. Finished the day with a fish and chip tea on the seafront and an ice cream and finally arrived home about 8.30pm. More baths, and now X is snoring, Y is boxing on his Wii and I am attempting to ignore the state of my house (including yesterday's roast dinner washing up!)
Tomorrow... Warwick Castle awaits!
*Unfortunately, being the non-Nigella that I am, and in a rush to get out of the house this morning, I thought I would quickly stew the blackberries down to then fridge/freeze for crumble making. However, I forgot that stewing requires a cup of water, sugar, and the fruit, and instead put enough water in to sink a tank. The end result - boiled blackberries. Erm, yum!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
What's left to say...?
If I call, will you talk to me?
Yes
It's a bit too late now. I have to go out soon. I'll call you another time if that's ok?
Don't bother. You obviously have far more important things to do with your time. I don't know why you bothered even asking.
Because I wanted to talk to you. I sent that text hours ago, I presumed you didn't want to talk due to lack of a reply.
I answered 20 mins after I got it. About 40mins ago. If you wanted to talk to me that bad you'd let other stuff wait.
Yes
It's a bit too late now. I have to go out soon. I'll call you another time if that's ok?
Don't bother. You obviously have far more important things to do with your time. I don't know why you bothered even asking.
Because I wanted to talk to you. I sent that text hours ago, I presumed you didn't want to talk due to lack of a reply.
I answered 20 mins after I got it. About 40mins ago. If you wanted to talk to me that bad you'd let other stuff wait.
Sick
That's how I feel imagining you with someone else. I don't want to know if its true or my imaginings. I dont need to hear about a life without me in it.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Summer days
The London presentation went well (I think), and I had a little chat with the relevant Home Office MP who was speaking before me, giving me the opportunity to do the necessary smarming and smiling required in these circumstances. I'm determined to get some Home Office recognition or national awards for the service and the team this year, so I'm trying to go anywhere and everywhere to do so. Unfortunately, I was down for outreach Thursday night, so it seemed a very long day, and I must say I'm very glad to not be back at work until Wednesday now, as I feel I need a few days off at the moment.
Much as the summer holidays may drive me mad, the beauty of them is that I usually only work a two or three day week (using up all my bloody annual leave mind!), which is great, although it means I'm then either trying to do 5 days work in 3 days, or I'm chasing my tail to catch up when September comes! I'm determined not to stress about it though, it's only work after all, and I know I do a good job most of the time.
Fortunately for me this week, at long last summer seems to have finally arrived, and the kids and I managed to spend a few hours yesterday afternoon at a local town park in lovely weather, followed by a trip round the tiny but friendly museum in the grounds.
Today, after X's swimming lessons, we took off again, this time to a local amusement park, joined by my Little Sister who was visiting for the day, where we enjoyed a lovely picnic, a round of crazy golf, a trip on the train, and a half hour boat ride (Y and LS rowed!). We also discovered that X and I weigh exactly the same on the see saw as Y and LS!! The weather has been really beautiful, and my back and shoulders are now a tingling pink, just waiting to dull down into a beautiful tan.
That said, I just went to let the cat out and now it's raining!
Much as the summer holidays may drive me mad, the beauty of them is that I usually only work a two or three day week (using up all my bloody annual leave mind!), which is great, although it means I'm then either trying to do 5 days work in 3 days, or I'm chasing my tail to catch up when September comes! I'm determined not to stress about it though, it's only work after all, and I know I do a good job most of the time.
Fortunately for me this week, at long last summer seems to have finally arrived, and the kids and I managed to spend a few hours yesterday afternoon at a local town park in lovely weather, followed by a trip round the tiny but friendly museum in the grounds.
Today, after X's swimming lessons, we took off again, this time to a local amusement park, joined by my Little Sister who was visiting for the day, where we enjoyed a lovely picnic, a round of crazy golf, a trip on the train, and a half hour boat ride (Y and LS rowed!). We also discovered that X and I weigh exactly the same on the see saw as Y and LS!! The weather has been really beautiful, and my back and shoulders are now a tingling pink, just waiting to dull down into a beautiful tan.
That said, I just went to let the cat out and now it's raining!
Stars for the week ahead
Are you rich yet? Oh well, never mind, there's still time for a miracle. And, I suppose, I'd better be careful what I say, lest my jest awakens the wrong expectations. The Sun's alignment to Jupiter can't alter everything, but it can help ease the pressure. There are now some additional earning opportunities plus some chances to make your finances go further. Inspiring changes lie in store for you in every area of life. You have an important job to do - and in order to ensure that you are successful with this, the cosmos intends to do all it can to help you grow more secure. So, whatever's causing a problem is going to have to fix itself soon.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Mixed
Bit of a low start to the day this morning after a brief conversation with X about DM, which quite unexpectedly brought tears to my eyes. Silly I know, but despite the emotional shut down I'm managing fairly successfully, occasionally it creeps out. Fortunately the rest of the day was really busy at work, so left me with no time to dwell.
Should really be out for a few drinks for Lena's birthday tonight, and had fully planned to go, but by the time I was home from work, cooked dinner, sorted X for bed and then had a bath, it was nearly 9pm, and I just can't really be bothered now. Plus I have about £3 in my purse and no petrol to drive the few miles to The Nun. I will make it up to her when I see her next.
Early start tomorrow morning, as I'm off to London (again) to do a presentation for work, I seem to have been all over the place with work just lately! I must say, I do love it, and if I didn't have such difficulties trying to sort the kids out then more travelling with work would be ideal, particularly if it involved overnight stays! I'm sure my time will come though.
Should really be out for a few drinks for Lena's birthday tonight, and had fully planned to go, but by the time I was home from work, cooked dinner, sorted X for bed and then had a bath, it was nearly 9pm, and I just can't really be bothered now. Plus I have about £3 in my purse and no petrol to drive the few miles to The Nun. I will make it up to her when I see her next.
Early start tomorrow morning, as I'm off to London (again) to do a presentation for work, I seem to have been all over the place with work just lately! I must say, I do love it, and if I didn't have such difficulties trying to sort the kids out then more travelling with work would be ideal, particularly if it involved overnight stays! I'm sure my time will come though.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Late night
Was unexpectedly up with Harry until 4.30am this morning, so am now knackered! He was worth it though.
Have just spent the evening at an Ann Summers party, which was quite a giggle, though in these days of internet freedom the choice and prices at a party just don't compare. Did manage to buy myself a new little something though! The Pulsatron may have rocked my world for the last couple of years, (and is still going strong!) but felt the need for something a little more "in and outy"! Plus, you got to love a vibe with bling :-)
Have just spent the evening at an Ann Summers party, which was quite a giggle, though in these days of internet freedom the choice and prices at a party just don't compare. Did manage to buy myself a new little something though! The Pulsatron may have rocked my world for the last couple of years, (and is still going strong!) but felt the need for something a little more "in and outy"! Plus, you got to love a vibe with bling :-)
Monday, July 23, 2007
School holidays
Who the fuck invented 6 week holidays?! Some kind of child free middle class tosspot methinks!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
SG - The visit
So, the door knocks. I hesitate, not for long if I'm honest, and descend down the stairs to open the door.
In he comes, some chastisement from me for not doing as he was told and staying away, a coffee, the sofa, some chatting - sexual and not, some flirting - harmless and not, and eventually the corny line... "I don't know whether I should go, or if I should ask to kiss you". (From him, not me!!). A little flurry, flurry, but the kiss comes. And fucking nice it is too.
One kiss becomes snogging, snogging becomes removal of my top, removal of my top becomes removal of my bra, removal of my bra becomes fondling, licking and suckling of breasts, more snogging, my hand on his back, his stomach (I fucking love men's stomachs!), a decision to move upstairs - a request from him to put on the black chemise I have mentioned once before in texts and that he has imagined and wanked to many times, request obliged.
So, I'm in the chemise, covered enough to feel comfortable, uncovered enough to feel sexy, and he's flat on his back on the bed in nothing but his boxers, and fuck me that is hot. SG, the fit, fit, fit gardener is lying on my bed with a fucking hard on for me.
Sometimes I want to take control, not in any kind of domination way, but just to do the work and let them enjoy it, and right at that moment I was intent on fucking that man, my way and in my own time. I straddled him - quite the perfect thing for the time and the mood, and set about picking up the kissing where we'd left off. He in the meantime is appreciating the feel of curves and warm flesh under black silk, and I begin to work down that beautiful chest and stomach with an array of kisses, nips and stroking, getting more turned on by the second.
His cock is beautiful, perfect size and in perfect proportion with the rest of him. I work around it for a while, across the stomach, down the thighs, the crease of his groin, but finally lick slowly up that smooth, firm beautiful hard cock. A dip over the head, some swirling around and around, now encasing as much of the length as I can in my mouth, looking up and seeing him watching me. Enough to make me moan at the whole experience.
I could feel some building up in him, and a quickening of breath that told me I probably couldn't do this much longer without him cumming in my mouth. A split second decision later that much as that would be fucking hot, I wanted him in me, not in my mouth, and so I eased off and replaced my mouth with my hand. Calming everything down, whilst moving myself back up his body.
I replaced his cock with his mouth, whilst sliding myself up and down the length of him before finally hitching my hips high enough to allow his cock to just nudge into me, and then holding it there for a few seconds before slowly, slowly, slowly pushing down and sliding the entire length of him in me. And fuck it felt good. That first moment of entry, fucking drives me mad.
I began to move, slowly but deeply, rocking backwards and forwards to ensure his cock is as deep as possible, whilst dipping my mouth down for the occasional deep, deep kiss, it wasn't long before I could feel him tensing beneath me, and bucking up hard to try and push his cock even further into me. And I cannot explain quite how fucking hot that is. To have a man beneath you, cumming into you, with every fibre of his being tight - fuck, that just drives me crazy in a way I can't explain. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Cum hard, and fast for me anytime folks!! It was almost enough to tip me over the edge, but not quite, so we slowed everything down, let him get his breath back, and laid chatting for a while - not least about his wife.
But damn it's hard to lay next to a perfect specimen of naked manhood, with his spunk dribbling down your thighs, and not just want to fuck him again. So, after a short period of recovery it was his turn to make some effort, and he was soon sliding his cock into me again, this time in missionary.
Afterwards, we agreed that it was what it was, and that no promises were being made or expected on either side, and he left a happy man. And althought it wasn't the longest, the most outrageous or the hottest shag I've ever had, it was good, and to be honest it was needed, and I went to bed with a smile on my face.
But man, I could fuck him again right now!!
In he comes, some chastisement from me for not doing as he was told and staying away, a coffee, the sofa, some chatting - sexual and not, some flirting - harmless and not, and eventually the corny line... "I don't know whether I should go, or if I should ask to kiss you". (From him, not me!!). A little flurry, flurry, but the kiss comes. And fucking nice it is too.
One kiss becomes snogging, snogging becomes removal of my top, removal of my top becomes removal of my bra, removal of my bra becomes fondling, licking and suckling of breasts, more snogging, my hand on his back, his stomach (I fucking love men's stomachs!), a decision to move upstairs - a request from him to put on the black chemise I have mentioned once before in texts and that he has imagined and wanked to many times, request obliged.
So, I'm in the chemise, covered enough to feel comfortable, uncovered enough to feel sexy, and he's flat on his back on the bed in nothing but his boxers, and fuck me that is hot. SG, the fit, fit, fit gardener is lying on my bed with a fucking hard on for me.
Sometimes I want to take control, not in any kind of domination way, but just to do the work and let them enjoy it, and right at that moment I was intent on fucking that man, my way and in my own time. I straddled him - quite the perfect thing for the time and the mood, and set about picking up the kissing where we'd left off. He in the meantime is appreciating the feel of curves and warm flesh under black silk, and I begin to work down that beautiful chest and stomach with an array of kisses, nips and stroking, getting more turned on by the second.
His cock is beautiful, perfect size and in perfect proportion with the rest of him. I work around it for a while, across the stomach, down the thighs, the crease of his groin, but finally lick slowly up that smooth, firm beautiful hard cock. A dip over the head, some swirling around and around, now encasing as much of the length as I can in my mouth, looking up and seeing him watching me. Enough to make me moan at the whole experience.
I could feel some building up in him, and a quickening of breath that told me I probably couldn't do this much longer without him cumming in my mouth. A split second decision later that much as that would be fucking hot, I wanted him in me, not in my mouth, and so I eased off and replaced my mouth with my hand. Calming everything down, whilst moving myself back up his body.
I replaced his cock with his mouth, whilst sliding myself up and down the length of him before finally hitching my hips high enough to allow his cock to just nudge into me, and then holding it there for a few seconds before slowly, slowly, slowly pushing down and sliding the entire length of him in me. And fuck it felt good. That first moment of entry, fucking drives me mad.
I began to move, slowly but deeply, rocking backwards and forwards to ensure his cock is as deep as possible, whilst dipping my mouth down for the occasional deep, deep kiss, it wasn't long before I could feel him tensing beneath me, and bucking up hard to try and push his cock even further into me. And I cannot explain quite how fucking hot that is. To have a man beneath you, cumming into you, with every fibre of his being tight - fuck, that just drives me crazy in a way I can't explain. Fuck, fuck, fuck!! Cum hard, and fast for me anytime folks!! It was almost enough to tip me over the edge, but not quite, so we slowed everything down, let him get his breath back, and laid chatting for a while - not least about his wife.
But damn it's hard to lay next to a perfect specimen of naked manhood, with his spunk dribbling down your thighs, and not just want to fuck him again. So, after a short period of recovery it was his turn to make some effort, and he was soon sliding his cock into me again, this time in missionary.
Afterwards, we agreed that it was what it was, and that no promises were being made or expected on either side, and he left a happy man. And althought it wasn't the longest, the most outrageous or the hottest shag I've ever had, it was good, and to be honest it was needed, and I went to bed with a smile on my face.
But man, I could fuck him again right now!!
Welcome
Yes, the time has come I think! Time to have a little place to hide all the dark and dirty (not that there's much of this these days!!), without fear of offending real life folks, or uninvited visitors reading.
So, here goes...
So, here goes...
Lady Chatterley?
Well hardly, but you may get the idea!!
"Boy's night out" was good last night, Harry Potter was up to the usual standard, bowling was amusing, and they all behaved impeccably. Got home about 11pm, and not long after took a call from SG, who had texted at 8pm asking if he could ring to discuss an idea, and then texted a few times during the course of the evening.
We ended up chatting about this, that and the other for over two and a half hours (his mobile to my mobile - ouch at the costs!!), with some flirting from both of us, some very general conversation, some quite deep discussion, and also him saying he wanted to come over several times. I refused, citing the married man objective, not wanting to be somebody's one night stand, children in the house etc, and we went back to random chatting - some sexual, some not.
At about 1.30am, he said - "I'm coming over, I'll be there in fifteen minutes", and put the phone down. I text him to say not to come over, I was going to bed and turning off my phone. I duly switched of my lights, headed upstairs and waited, half sure whether he would come or not. Fifteen minutes later the door knocks!
"Boy's night out" was good last night, Harry Potter was up to the usual standard, bowling was amusing, and they all behaved impeccably. Got home about 11pm, and not long after took a call from SG, who had texted at 8pm asking if he could ring to discuss an idea, and then texted a few times during the course of the evening.
We ended up chatting about this, that and the other for over two and a half hours (his mobile to my mobile - ouch at the costs!!), with some flirting from both of us, some very general conversation, some quite deep discussion, and also him saying he wanted to come over several times. I refused, citing the married man objective, not wanting to be somebody's one night stand, children in the house etc, and we went back to random chatting - some sexual, some not.
At about 1.30am, he said - "I'm coming over, I'll be there in fifteen minutes", and put the phone down. I text him to say not to come over, I was going to bed and turning off my phone. I duly switched of my lights, headed upstairs and waited, half sure whether he would come or not. Fifteen minutes later the door knocks!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Stars for the week ahead
I had best be careful what I say to you this week. You are in the mood to find fault and to level criticism. Don't be in too much of a hurry to snap out of it. It may not be making you overly popular but it is at least enabling you to identify some extremely unacceptable situations. They have been wrong for a while but you have chosen to ignore them. Now, as you begin to see the light, you can do what has been needed and, let's face it, you need to be in a slightly grumpy frame of mind in order to make that possible! Once you have done what you have to, you will start to feel far better and your situation will start to improve dramatically.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Another year
Well Y is finally 14! I don't know where that went!! For the first time in months, he was actually up at 7am this morning, (as opposed to having to be dragged out of bed at 8am usually!!), but being the mean mum I am I made him wait to open his presents as long as possible. He was thrilled with his Wii, which I knew he would be, and has spent a great amount of time this evening - particularly on the boxing section, which has been most amusing to watch. I may have to do some videoing and upload it! After school, and some Wii roadtesting, I finally dragged him away and we went for a chinese meal, which was nice, (but bloody expensive!) and then back for more Wii, and suddenly the day is over! Now have a Saturday night of Harry Potter and bowling with 3 teenage boys to look forward to. Oh joy...!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Busy busy busy
This week has been manic! Work, work, work, school shows, Rainbows parties, and Y's birthday tomorrow. Which I've been so late preparing for that I had to do a quick dash to Tesco for a birthday card and cake tonight! In fact, I'd better go and get his present out of the car boot and get it wrapped...!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Memory lane
After taking some video footage of X's school concert, this evening has been spent reminiscing over old video footage that was also on the camera.
Good times.
Good times.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Chips!
Just had the biggest plate of chip shop chips (and sausage!!), and now feel stuffed!! Lovely though :-)
Tonight was X's school concert, where she was chosen to be one of 3 "judges" - Pop Idol stylee! She did a great job, bless her, but it did result in no dinner for me. Hence the chips!
Struggled a bit at work today. Have been out of the office so much the last couple of weeks, and in Camden tomorrow, and I find it really hard to get going when things are like that. I need a good couple of straight days in the office, but with the school holidays approaching I doubt I'll be properly settled again until September!
In other news, all is fine. Nothing of note to report really!
Tonight was X's school concert, where she was chosen to be one of 3 "judges" - Pop Idol stylee! She did a great job, bless her, but it did result in no dinner for me. Hence the chips!
Struggled a bit at work today. Have been out of the office so much the last couple of weeks, and in Camden tomorrow, and I find it really hard to get going when things are like that. I need a good couple of straight days in the office, but with the school holidays approaching I doubt I'll be properly settled again until September!
In other news, all is fine. Nothing of note to report really!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Progress?
DM and I used to have this stupid thing where I'd tell him he was a lucky lucky boy, and he'd sarcastically reply yes, he was such a lucky lucky boy. Or vice versa with girl. No big deal, just one of those silly phrases that you pick up and use. A marker of coupledom I guess.
I've just used that phrase with DB, and then realised. It feels weird. And also a little wrong.
I've just used that phrase with DB, and then realised. It feels weird. And also a little wrong.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Better
Just got back from friend Ava's graduation party, and feeling much better than before.
Those feelings are all still there, they have been around for a long time now and will no doubt be around for a long time yet, but everything is a little more in perspective. I've managed to push them back to the back of the emotional cupboard where they belong, and shut the door on them for a few hours at least!
Those feelings are all still there, they have been around for a long time now and will no doubt be around for a long time yet, but everything is a little more in perspective. I've managed to push them back to the back of the emotional cupboard where they belong, and shut the door on them for a few hours at least!
Disconnected
Not really sure where this post is going, but I seem to have an awful lot of stuff just going round and round in my head, so time to spill it I think.
I'm currently child-free, with Y off to the seaside for the day with his dad and X off to see Shrek with friends, and with time on my hands I'm just restless. I'm supposed to be attending a friends party this afternoon/evening, and I just can't be bothered with people. Though I know I'm better with people, and that company distracts me, I just don't feel part of anything.
I have already spent a couple of hours driving there and back for no reason, in an attempt to clear my head but it doesn't seem to help. I can't seem to connect properly at the moment, it's almost like I live my life looking in from the outside. I don't belong. I don't fit. I don't have. They're the constants that go round and round. I feel numb almost, numb and empty, as if I'm not truly a part of anything. Not sad, not at all, just detached. Dislocated.
I'm really struggling not to get in touch with DM at the moment. I know I shouldn't, I know there's no point, but the last couple of days I've found it increasingly difficult. There are too many things that remind me - adverts for outdoor theatre, references to San Francisco, increased conversations with DB, and damn motorbikes. Every where I go, everywhere I look there seem to be bikes!
DB is my DM substitute I think. The similarities between them are amazing, although their circumstances now are completely different. And I know it's a bad thing to be going down that road, that the whole thing can only end in tears. That thinking "fuck this love thing, I'll take what I want, when I want it from somebody who reminds me" is not a sensible or rational way to go. That it won't fix the problems or fill the space. But then why the fuck shouldn't I?? Where did laying my heart on the line fucking get me?? Here! That's where! And I don't like it here right now!!
DB and I are in almost daily contact, and have been for months, and though a lot of our conversations are just general chit chat, he has headed cautiously down that infidelity route, although I think more talk than action, and we've skirted around the meeting thing for a long while, because I think it will only go one way. And to be honest, I haven't been interested. Why would I be? I have my one true love, I've been waiting for that. So for a long time I've been telling him I don't do being the 'other woman', that it's not going to happen. But now...? Now, who knows.
He's not a happy man, not by a long shot, and I'm tempted to go there. To push him to go there. He's never been unfaithful, which (in a way I'm not proud of) makes it better. I want to force it. Take him somewhere he hasn't been. To take back some control.
And maybe to slam another nail in the coffin that men (and women) just can't be trusted to be faithful! If I'm completely honest, I think that's also what I do. Every time I get a previously faithful man to be unfaithful I lose a little bit of faith in fidelity. And blogland certainly doesn't help that. It's sick that I hate infidelity so much, that I think it's cowardly, and pathetic, and sad, and yet I'm considering fucking a married man.
Oh, I just don't fucking know! Perhaps the previous distractions just aren't working any more. Perhaps I'm hoping this might fill a little part of this fucking space.
I'm currently child-free, with Y off to the seaside for the day with his dad and X off to see Shrek with friends, and with time on my hands I'm just restless. I'm supposed to be attending a friends party this afternoon/evening, and I just can't be bothered with people. Though I know I'm better with people, and that company distracts me, I just don't feel part of anything.
I have already spent a couple of hours driving there and back for no reason, in an attempt to clear my head but it doesn't seem to help. I can't seem to connect properly at the moment, it's almost like I live my life looking in from the outside. I don't belong. I don't fit. I don't have. They're the constants that go round and round. I feel numb almost, numb and empty, as if I'm not truly a part of anything. Not sad, not at all, just detached. Dislocated.
I'm really struggling not to get in touch with DM at the moment. I know I shouldn't, I know there's no point, but the last couple of days I've found it increasingly difficult. There are too many things that remind me - adverts for outdoor theatre, references to San Francisco, increased conversations with DB, and damn motorbikes. Every where I go, everywhere I look there seem to be bikes!
DB is my DM substitute I think. The similarities between them are amazing, although their circumstances now are completely different. And I know it's a bad thing to be going down that road, that the whole thing can only end in tears. That thinking "fuck this love thing, I'll take what I want, when I want it from somebody who reminds me" is not a sensible or rational way to go. That it won't fix the problems or fill the space. But then why the fuck shouldn't I?? Where did laying my heart on the line fucking get me?? Here! That's where! And I don't like it here right now!!
DB and I are in almost daily contact, and have been for months, and though a lot of our conversations are just general chit chat, he has headed cautiously down that infidelity route, although I think more talk than action, and we've skirted around the meeting thing for a long while, because I think it will only go one way. And to be honest, I haven't been interested. Why would I be? I have my one true love, I've been waiting for that. So for a long time I've been telling him I don't do being the 'other woman', that it's not going to happen. But now...? Now, who knows.
He's not a happy man, not by a long shot, and I'm tempted to go there. To push him to go there. He's never been unfaithful, which (in a way I'm not proud of) makes it better. I want to force it. Take him somewhere he hasn't been. To take back some control.
And maybe to slam another nail in the coffin that men (and women) just can't be trusted to be faithful! If I'm completely honest, I think that's also what I do. Every time I get a previously faithful man to be unfaithful I lose a little bit of faith in fidelity. And blogland certainly doesn't help that. It's sick that I hate infidelity so much, that I think it's cowardly, and pathetic, and sad, and yet I'm considering fucking a married man.
Oh, I just don't fucking know! Perhaps the previous distractions just aren't working any more. Perhaps I'm hoping this might fill a little part of this fucking space.
Stars for the week ahead
You can dream. It is perfectly permissible. But if you seek permanence of any kind, you must do more than that. You must form a firm plan and pursue it with consistent commitment and diligent dedication. Here endeth the lecture, here commences the forecast. There isn't much that you can do, right now, other than dream. Not only are you short of opportunity, you are low on energy. You are not in much of a mood for mountain-moving. This does not mean, though, that mountains cannot be moved. You may not feel that your best is particularly impressive, but it is about to prove more than good enough to get you where you need to be.
Normality
I'm usually quite careful about blogging about the specifics of work, due to the nature of the beast/confidentiality etc, but I think it's important to acknowledge this for memory.
Today at work, just after lunch, I received a telephone call from the local police for information regarding one of our clients, due to their serious concerns around her safety after 2 different 999 calls regarding her within 20 minutes.
Much ringing around later I was able to furnish the police with some information regarding her recent experiences, her recent contacts, etc, and left them to deal with it. Eventually we get the news that an incident had occurred at her flat resulting in the arrest of three people, one for firearms offences, and a "pistol whipping" incident, but that she is neither implicated or harmed.
Now, mulling over the days events generally, it's just occurred to me that aside from worrying about the client, and checking safety for my outreach workers tonight, I really haven't thought about this in any great detail at all. It's just a mildly more eventful day than most.
The abnormal as a working normality. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Today at work, just after lunch, I received a telephone call from the local police for information regarding one of our clients, due to their serious concerns around her safety after 2 different 999 calls regarding her within 20 minutes.
Much ringing around later I was able to furnish the police with some information regarding her recent experiences, her recent contacts, etc, and left them to deal with it. Eventually we get the news that an incident had occurred at her flat resulting in the arrest of three people, one for firearms offences, and a "pistol whipping" incident, but that she is neither implicated or harmed.
Now, mulling over the days events generally, it's just occurred to me that aside from worrying about the client, and checking safety for my outreach workers tonight, I really haven't thought about this in any great detail at all. It's just a mildly more eventful day than most.
The abnormal as a working normality. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Bloody traffic!
So after a hectic start to the week, it was back home on Tuesday evening, only to be told by Y at 9pm that a piece of his brace had come loose!! Welcome home!
Wednesday was then spent messing about trying to get him sorted out, whilst catch up on two days work, and attending a last minute radio interview regarding the criminalisation of prostitution. In which I sounded fabulous I must say!!! I may have to consider a career in radio!! If I had the technology I would post a tiny (anonymised) clip from the hour long cd recording they gave me for you all to hear. (I was only on for about ten minutes but I asked for the whole "debate" to be recorded). Yes, I am that impressed with myself :-)
Was shattered Wednesday night and in bed by 10pm with a banging headache that wouldn't shift.
Woke up yesterday morning with headache still present, and a regional meeting to attend. Left at 3.30pm for what should have been an hour or so drive home, only to get stuck in the fall out from the M1 closure resulting in a 3hr trip home!! An hour at home and then out again for outreach, finally ending the night at just before midnight. Needless to say, straight to bed again!
Isn't it fun being me...!?
Wednesday was then spent messing about trying to get him sorted out, whilst catch up on two days work, and attending a last minute radio interview regarding the criminalisation of prostitution. In which I sounded fabulous I must say!!! I may have to consider a career in radio!! If I had the technology I would post a tiny (anonymised) clip from the hour long cd recording they gave me for you all to hear. (I was only on for about ten minutes but I asked for the whole "debate" to be recorded). Yes, I am that impressed with myself :-)
Was shattered Wednesday night and in bed by 10pm with a banging headache that wouldn't shift.
Woke up yesterday morning with headache still present, and a regional meeting to attend. Left at 3.30pm for what should have been an hour or so drive home, only to get stuck in the fall out from the M1 closure resulting in a 3hr trip home!! An hour at home and then out again for outreach, finally ending the night at just before midnight. Needless to say, straight to bed again!
Isn't it fun being me...!?
Bloody coppers!
Fuck me it's been a bloody long week!!
The week started with a 6am start to head off to Gloucester University for the annual police vice conference, where I spent the next two days surrounded by several hundred policeman - lots of whom were fit, fit, fit - all of whom were married! Not that that would have stopped many of them playing away mind!! It's quite remarkable the cultural undercurrent that is apparent when you have large groups of policeman, away from home, work, and also under the influence.
Accommodation was in the student halls (now vacated of students) and was sparse, to say the least, and the food was shit, but the conference material was pretty good, and definitely worth attending.
I managed to avoid any dodgy situations during the evening "entertainment", (which consisted of some retired copper and a couple of women "singing" irish/scottish styley tunes), by refusing the vast amount of drinks offered to me that would have most certainly led to regretful situations!
Alas, not all my colleagues were quite so well behaved, and I was a little shocked, on getting back to my room at 2am to find a note from my local police Area Commander, a fairly pleasant but unattractive middle aged man (who I had met for the first time that day, and will need to work with in partnership in the future)pushed under my door saying:
Unfortunately, I then made the really, really stupid mistake of showing it to the 3 other (at the time all drunken and particularly boyish) police that I was with (2 local, 1 from elsewhere), and then the even more stupid mistake of leaving it with them whilst I nipped down for a fag!!!
Fortunately, the 'evidence' was returned to me the next morning, (after much winding up and teasing about writing on it and putting it back under PC Plod's door from said coppers), and it was not mentioned in the presence of PC Plod for the entire day. There also wasn't much other conversation between myself and him, perhaps unsurprisingly! Bloody idiot!
I can appreciate the funny side of it now, and probably would have done so even more if I hadn't been so dumb as to leave the note with them and then have to worry that they had done something stupid with it, but actually I was also really offended that a professional would put another professional (ie. me!) in such a situation, not to mention quite worried about it being plastered all over the local police station and me looking like the bad guy! Stupid things like that can have really big consequences, particularly in partnership working!
Bloody police!
The week started with a 6am start to head off to Gloucester University for the annual police vice conference, where I spent the next two days surrounded by several hundred policeman - lots of whom were fit, fit, fit - all of whom were married! Not that that would have stopped many of them playing away mind!! It's quite remarkable the cultural undercurrent that is apparent when you have large groups of policeman, away from home, work, and also under the influence.
Accommodation was in the student halls (now vacated of students) and was sparse, to say the least, and the food was shit, but the conference material was pretty good, and definitely worth attending.
I managed to avoid any dodgy situations during the evening "entertainment", (which consisted of some retired copper and a couple of women "singing" irish/scottish styley tunes), by refusing the vast amount of drinks offered to me that would have most certainly led to regretful situations!
Alas, not all my colleagues were quite so well behaved, and I was a little shocked, on getting back to my room at 2am to find a note from my local police Area Commander, a fairly pleasant but unattractive middle aged man (who I had met for the first time that day, and will need to work with in partnership in the future)pushed under my door saying:
What the fuck!!!!?? Yeah, right. As if I possibly would!!!Sorry if I am a bit forward but circs did not allow 4 further
conversation. I am next door ie. 302 if U wish 2 finish conversation. PC Plod.
Unfortunately, I then made the really, really stupid mistake of showing it to the 3 other (at the time all drunken and particularly boyish) police that I was with (2 local, 1 from elsewhere), and then the even more stupid mistake of leaving it with them whilst I nipped down for a fag!!!
Fortunately, the 'evidence' was returned to me the next morning, (after much winding up and teasing about writing on it and putting it back under PC Plod's door from said coppers), and it was not mentioned in the presence of PC Plod for the entire day. There also wasn't much other conversation between myself and him, perhaps unsurprisingly! Bloody idiot!
I can appreciate the funny side of it now, and probably would have done so even more if I hadn't been so dumb as to leave the note with them and then have to worry that they had done something stupid with it, but actually I was also really offended that a professional would put another professional (ie. me!) in such a situation, not to mention quite worried about it being plastered all over the local police station and me looking like the bad guy! Stupid things like that can have really big consequences, particularly in partnership working!
Bloody police!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Clear vision
Will update on conference events tomorrow, as too tired for proper posting now. So, instead (with thanks from ATM), here's something a little more cheerful than I've been of late...
Cracked me up!
Cracked me up!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Meme - 7 random things
In a vain attempt to put off what will become clear in this post, I am finally getting round to this meme from Lady!
1. I have very little balance. i can't ice skate, roller skate, skateboard, ski, etc etc. In fact, most of the time I don't feel safe - even when walking. Unless I'm barefoot, and inside, I never feel sure on my feet at all. I definitely wasn't a mountain goat in any previous existence!
2. With absolutely no self-pity, or sadness, or overdramatisation, I don't believe I will ever find another true love in my lifetime. It's a knowledge that I hope to be proved wrong. But I doubt it.
3. When I was younger I wanted to be famous. Now I realise I'm just too damn lazy!
4. I will eat almost anything (excepting slug-like fish stuff and macaroni cheese), but I drink hardly anything. I don't like the following - tea, coffee, milk, hot chocolate, milkshake, blackcurrant or apple juice/squash. I would rather parch than drink any of them. And I hardly ever drink alcohol. Really!
5. Despite being fairly sexually liberated, I have never kissed a girl. Ever. Or ever really contemplated it in real life. I don't have any big issues about it, I just don't fancy it.
6. I used to suffer from panic attacks. Several years ago now, out of the blue, they just came on! I can see the root cause now, but it took a good couple of years of slowly, slowly to get me back to normal. Now, they occasionally hover but I've made excellent progress, especially considering sole flying halfway across America in May.
7. I hate bathing at night. Absolutely hate it. Don't ask me why, one of those irrational fears born from too many horror movies (that incidentally I have never watched?!). Unless there is someone in the house, preferably awake and downstairs, or it is light, or I am on the phone I only do it if I absolutely have to. And then I do it as quickly as I can. With no other noise on in the house!
Bugger! Am I done already??
1. I have very little balance. i can't ice skate, roller skate, skateboard, ski, etc etc. In fact, most of the time I don't feel safe - even when walking. Unless I'm barefoot, and inside, I never feel sure on my feet at all. I definitely wasn't a mountain goat in any previous existence!
2. With absolutely no self-pity, or sadness, or overdramatisation, I don't believe I will ever find another true love in my lifetime. It's a knowledge that I hope to be proved wrong. But I doubt it.
3. When I was younger I wanted to be famous. Now I realise I'm just too damn lazy!
4. I will eat almost anything (excepting slug-like fish stuff and macaroni cheese), but I drink hardly anything. I don't like the following - tea, coffee, milk, hot chocolate, milkshake, blackcurrant or apple juice/squash. I would rather parch than drink any of them. And I hardly ever drink alcohol. Really!
5. Despite being fairly sexually liberated, I have never kissed a girl. Ever. Or ever really contemplated it in real life. I don't have any big issues about it, I just don't fancy it.
6. I used to suffer from panic attacks. Several years ago now, out of the blue, they just came on! I can see the root cause now, but it took a good couple of years of slowly, slowly to get me back to normal. Now, they occasionally hover but I've made excellent progress, especially considering sole flying halfway across America in May.
7. I hate bathing at night. Absolutely hate it. Don't ask me why, one of those irrational fears born from too many horror movies (that incidentally I have never watched?!). Unless there is someone in the house, preferably awake and downstairs, or it is light, or I am on the phone I only do it if I absolutely have to. And then I do it as quickly as I can. With no other noise on in the house!
Bugger! Am I done already??
Still to do...
I should really be getting on with all the things I should have done today (if I hadn't wanked myself silly!) that need doing before I go to bed instead of sitting here blogging! Especially as I have to leave the house at 6am for this bloody conference! Actually, I'm looking forward to the conference, just not the getting up at 5.30am!
So, here's what I did today...
Packed X's stuff for school/daddy's
Cleaned the cooker
Washed up
Washed and dried 2 loads of washing
Changed the bed
Packed away my clean washing
Organised clothes for conference (I'm going monochrome, incidentally)
Cleaned the bathroom sink
Here's what I still have to do...
Hoover downstairs
Wash kitchen floor
Have a bath
Shave hairy bits
Wash my hair
Put sofa covers back on
Pack my overnight bag
Clean the bath
Suppose I ought to get on with it! Okay, just one more fag... promise!
Update (10.52pm) - Sofa covers done, downstairs hoovered, kitchen (and hall) floor washed. One more fag...
Further update (12.20am) - Bathed, shaved, hair washed, bathroom sparkly clean. Now waiting for hair to dry a la Posh Spice, as oppose to a la 'oh my fucking god - somebody get the straighteners and help me please'!
So, here's what I did today...
Packed X's stuff for school/daddy's
Cleaned the cooker
Washed up
Washed and dried 2 loads of washing
Changed the bed
Packed away my clean washing
Organised clothes for conference (I'm going monochrome, incidentally)
Cleaned the bathroom sink
Here's what I still have to do...
Hoover downstairs
Wash kitchen floor
Have a bath
Shave hairy bits
Wash my hair
Put sofa covers back on
Pack my overnight bag
Clean the bath
Suppose I ought to get on with it! Okay, just one more fag... promise!
Update (10.52pm) - Sofa covers done, downstairs hoovered, kitchen (and hall) floor washed. One more fag...
Further update (12.20am) - Bathed, shaved, hair washed, bathroom sparkly clean. Now waiting for hair to dry a la Posh Spice, as oppose to a la 'oh my fucking god - somebody get the straighteners and help me please'!
Horny
I have done nothing all day but sit at the computer and watch porn!!!
And nice as it's been, those self-induced pleasure bubbles just aren't the same when you're not sitting on a cock!!
(Sorry ATM, please disregard above!)
And nice as it's been, those self-induced pleasure bubbles just aren't the same when you're not sitting on a cock!!
(Sorry ATM, please disregard above!)
Remembering
Without knowing it at the time, 2 years ago today I started on a journey.
(picture to come...)
Now it seems, it is time to start on a new one.
(picture to come...)
Now it seems, it is time to start on a new one.
Sagittarians
The Myth: Sagittarians, so they say, are bright, breezy, bouncy types who never let anything get them down. They are all "jolly-hockey-sticks"; totally tactless and insensitive but full of energy and enthusiasm. Supposedly, they love competitions, always look on the bright side, see everyone as a friend and are suspiciously fond of horses.
The Truth: This is all a bit unfair. Sagittarians are perfectly capable of being grouchy and grumpy. They can summon plenty of lethargy and cynicism when they choose to. They can also be very delicate, diplomatic and deep. It's just that, because Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter - the planet of hope - they can never quite silence an inner voice of optimism. Events may reduce it to a whisper for a while but it always returns to a roar, the moment they spot a possible solution to a problem. Sagittarians are idealists who want everything to be wonderful. They are also extremists who hate half measures. For them, it's either gung ho or no go. And as for the horses? Only some of them, sometimes!
The Key To Success: To be a Sagittarian is to be surrounded by serendipity. Rarely do you have to go in search of anything. It naturally comes to you. Or, at least, it does as long as you know the difference between trusting your luck and pushing your luck. When you strive, you stumble. When you make the most of what's on offer, you get magical results.
The Truth: This is all a bit unfair. Sagittarians are perfectly capable of being grouchy and grumpy. They can summon plenty of lethargy and cynicism when they choose to. They can also be very delicate, diplomatic and deep. It's just that, because Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter - the planet of hope - they can never quite silence an inner voice of optimism. Events may reduce it to a whisper for a while but it always returns to a roar, the moment they spot a possible solution to a problem. Sagittarians are idealists who want everything to be wonderful. They are also extremists who hate half measures. For them, it's either gung ho or no go. And as for the horses? Only some of them, sometimes!
The Key To Success: To be a Sagittarian is to be surrounded by serendipity. Rarely do you have to go in search of anything. It naturally comes to you. Or, at least, it does as long as you know the difference between trusting your luck and pushing your luck. When you strive, you stumble. When you make the most of what's on offer, you get magical results.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Summertime
Well, for today at least summer has finally declared itself! Fortuitously just in time for local town's annual carnival, which just happens to be held in the park behind my house. Most handy!
X and I headed off just after lunch, after a sojourn to ToysRus to buy some Bindeez as a treat for being a good girl for the last few days and getting such a good school report. As well as getting level 3's in all her SATs, (the national average for her school year is 2 - and she is one of the youngest!), her teacher had the following to say about her...
"X is a kind, respectful, caring member of the class. As the year has progressed she has developed maturity, enthusiasm and commitment to do her best. She enjoys responsibility and is a fantastic helper; she carries out jobs to a very high standard. X responds well to praise and does seem to become under-the-weather if she feels she is not being praised or achieving as well as she would like. X has a good sense of right and wrong; she often takes unsure pupils under her wing or tries to sort out disputes. At times she needs reminders that this helpfulness can sometimes distract her from her work. I am sure she will be an excellent organiser, a brilliant 'people person' when she gets older."
Much as she drives me to distraction sometimes (with that helpfulness and need for constant praise), she is a good girl at heart, and I'm glad to know she is caring and kind, just like her brother. Though you wouldnt know it of either of them when they get together!!
The carnival was good, although potentially expensive, X was given £5 and told when it was gone it was gone. It was soon gone of course, but both my kids are used to this rule whenever we go on holiday or on trips, so she was fine with that. Lucky devil that she is she spent 50p on the local paper's wheel of fortune thing and won a 4disc CS Lewis dvd. Result. She did want to take a bag of Haribo as her prize!!! but was fairly easily convinced otherwise, especially when she realised there were sweets in the goody bag they also gave her!
We stayed for a couple of hours watching the shows; a great Scottish pipe band (I love that!), some local majorette/cheerleaders, an aerobics display, some local singers/bands and a fantastic boys gymnastic group that was just amazing - leaping over cars amongst other things!! Enjoyed some sunshine and some nosh (cheeseburger for me, calamari for X!!), and then took the 5 min stroll home again, for some Bindeez fun!!
X and I headed off just after lunch, after a sojourn to ToysRus to buy some Bindeez as a treat for being a good girl for the last few days and getting such a good school report. As well as getting level 3's in all her SATs, (the national average for her school year is 2 - and she is one of the youngest!), her teacher had the following to say about her...
"X is a kind, respectful, caring member of the class. As the year has progressed she has developed maturity, enthusiasm and commitment to do her best. She enjoys responsibility and is a fantastic helper; she carries out jobs to a very high standard. X responds well to praise and does seem to become under-the-weather if she feels she is not being praised or achieving as well as she would like. X has a good sense of right and wrong; she often takes unsure pupils under her wing or tries to sort out disputes. At times she needs reminders that this helpfulness can sometimes distract her from her work. I am sure she will be an excellent organiser, a brilliant 'people person' when she gets older."
Much as she drives me to distraction sometimes (with that helpfulness and need for constant praise), she is a good girl at heart, and I'm glad to know she is caring and kind, just like her brother. Though you wouldnt know it of either of them when they get together!!
The carnival was good, although potentially expensive, X was given £5 and told when it was gone it was gone. It was soon gone of course, but both my kids are used to this rule whenever we go on holiday or on trips, so she was fine with that. Lucky devil that she is she spent 50p on the local paper's wheel of fortune thing and won a 4disc CS Lewis dvd. Result. She did want to take a bag of Haribo as her prize!!! but was fairly easily convinced otherwise, especially when she realised there were sweets in the goody bag they also gave her!
We stayed for a couple of hours watching the shows; a great Scottish pipe band (I love that!), some local majorette/cheerleaders, an aerobics display, some local singers/bands and a fantastic boys gymnastic group that was just amazing - leaping over cars amongst other things!! Enjoyed some sunshine and some nosh (cheeseburger for me, calamari for X!!), and then took the 5 min stroll home again, for some Bindeez fun!!
Stars for the week ahead
Teenagers inevitably go through a phase of being rude, unreasonable, rebellious, ungrateful and emotionally volatile etc. This is perfectly natural and necessary. It would happen regardless of who the child was and who their parents were. Their parents may understand this in theory but in practice, they cannot help but take it personally. That's where trouble inevitably sets in. It's the same in any situation. We're fine as long as we can do it from a calm, objective perspective. The moment it all starts meaning far too much to us, we start making poor choices. You'll be fine with all this week's drama, as long as you keep your eye on the bigger picture
Friday, July 06, 2007
Glum
Can't seem to shift this glum mood at the moment. I don't feel sad really, just flat. And a bit low. That's not to say that I'm miserable, because whilst I'm busy I'm quite laughy and jokey. It's just when I stop I can't seem to motivate myself really. Everything just seems dull, and I can't really put my finger on why.
I think money is a lot of it. I've been struggling to catch up since Vegas, especially with X and Y's birthdays within 7 weeks of each other, not to mention a bastard £200 bank charges (again!) in the last two months, and only £50 total maintenance from X's dad since April. Thought I had pretty much caught up, apart from 2 months of catalogue charges (about £240), and my after school bill (probably about £180), and then found out today I actually owe after school club (£360!). And I just don't know where I'm going to get that money unless Y goes without his Nintendo Wii, which I can't really do as I've promised him it now. It's just so disheartening to be scrabbling all the time. I just can't seem to get myself straight to stay that way.
I just feel worn out at the moment. And tonight my upper right arm is really achy, like I pulled a muscle, which is not awfully painful, just annoying. Can't even be bothered to go out for a few beers. Just seems a bit pointless at the moment.
On a more positive note, I got a fabulous cut and blow dry (think Posh Spice) today for just £10. It really needed doing but I couldn't afford it so was planning on waiting until next month, then a work mate gave me this voucher so decided to make the most of it, and am very pleased with it. Will at least feel a little professional next week.
I think money is a lot of it. I've been struggling to catch up since Vegas, especially with X and Y's birthdays within 7 weeks of each other, not to mention a bastard £200 bank charges (again!) in the last two months, and only £50 total maintenance from X's dad since April. Thought I had pretty much caught up, apart from 2 months of catalogue charges (about £240), and my after school bill (probably about £180), and then found out today I actually owe after school club (£360!). And I just don't know where I'm going to get that money unless Y goes without his Nintendo Wii, which I can't really do as I've promised him it now. It's just so disheartening to be scrabbling all the time. I just can't seem to get myself straight to stay that way.
I just feel worn out at the moment. And tonight my upper right arm is really achy, like I pulled a muscle, which is not awfully painful, just annoying. Can't even be bothered to go out for a few beers. Just seems a bit pointless at the moment.
On a more positive note, I got a fabulous cut and blow dry (think Posh Spice) today for just £10. It really needed doing but I couldn't afford it so was planning on waiting until next month, then a work mate gave me this voucher so decided to make the most of it, and am very pleased with it. Will at least feel a little professional next week.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
All work...
Didn't get in from work until 8.20pm, and was bloody shattered. Still feel worn out tonight, and have got a heavy week next week too, including a two day conference about 2 1/2 hrs away on Monday and Tuesday, which is taking some organising in terms of childcare etc. I am at least staying overnight on the Monday so should be a little bit interesting.
I certainly hope so, I seem to be very 'all work and no play' at the moment...
I certainly hope so, I seem to be very 'all work and no play' at the moment...
The Sun...
Thank you for your email, I have checked and can see that this registration was created on the 18/01/2006 and was last logged into on the 08/09/2006, I am afraid this is all the information I can see. I confirm that the member details have been removed from the site as requested. I hope this helps.
I should bloody think so!!
I should bloody think so!!
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
What now??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: DM
To: OG
Subject: What now??
Hello you, what have you been up to? how are the kids?
I wanted to find out how we are now, you never returned my call, text to tell me to call. Are we done now? I was kind of hoping to give an explanation as to why we didn't get together the last time I was back there, you never gave me the opportunity.
My time here may well be done soon, i'm still not coming back the UK, i'm not ready to come back, but I think it's time to move on. I started that blog that you mentioned, I got a few posts written and quite a few to do but got bored with it, I may just pick it up again soon. You know it's not my type of thing.
DM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: OG
To: DM
Subject: Re: What now??
I don't know how I am. Functioning. Lost. Working hard, little else. The kids are kids. X another year older, Y soon to be.
I was hurt about your visit, or rather lack of it, really hurt, and really angry too, but mostly I guess resigned to the situation. I didn't return your text because I didn't want to have a pointless, hurtful, horrible conversation. I don't want that for either of us. You could have called with an explanation when you cancelled. Even a quick 5 minutes. But its not really about that, the explanation, its that you didnt make an effort, at all, after everything. And if you'd really wanted to explain, you could have done that, you know you could. I'm still here.
You know, I had planned to shut my blog. Change my phone numbers. Change my email address. Generally shut you down completely. I haven't. I don't know why not. I don't know why I'm replying now.
I guess, really, its not about the call, or the visit, or any of those specifics. It's about the fact that I love you and you don't love me, and that's really what it all boils down to. I'm not blaming you for that, and maybe in a way I'm no longer blaming myself for that either.
I've spent this long trying because I really believed we could fix it, or maybe that I could fix it, if we just spent time together, if I could make you believe I was serious. Not in some naive and fantasy way that everything would suddenly be rosy, but just that it was right, and it was worth it, and we could make it work, even with the situation.
After my visit, I can't do anymore than I've done to make that happen. There's nothing left. I came. I saw you. I told you. I listened to you. And still I believed. Still I hoped. My last stand I guess!! And it wasn't enough.
You ask if we're done now? I don't know. I haven't magically stopped loving you overnight. I haven't stopped thinking about you every day. I haven't stopped having a space that never gets filled. But I have stopped hoping, and wishing, and waiting. Because, now, what's the point? Because you don't feel those things about me. And there's nothing left that I can do to change that.
So where does that leave us?
All along there has been a point to all of this, for me at least. A journey with a clear end in sight. If there's no end, what's the point of the journey?
There's so much of me that wants to say to you "Don't worry. It's cool. We'll still be friends. We'll still catch up occasionally.". So much of me that wants to know about your blog, that wants to know about your life, that wants to be a part of yours. But I've said all along, I can't do that with you.
Even though I'm tempted to take what I get, and even though I can't actually imagine a life without you in it, and even though I wish you love and joy, I don't think I can be your friend unless you're single. I just absolutely couldn't deal with that. And you're not going to stay single forever. I could cope with P. Even understand it. But I couldn't cope with someone else. Someone who isn't me.
Maybe that will change, after all who knows what's around the corner. Maybe I'll get in touch one day to tell you 'I'm happy, I'm in love, I hope you are too', but I can't promise that and I can't pretend.
It makes me sad that you're still "moving on", because you're going to run out of places to move on to and nothing will have changed. It makes me sad that we can't have the life I think we both want. It makes me sad that you're not coming home. And it practically fucking kills me that this all feels a bit too much like the end of the road. Perhaps that's why I didn't respond. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I'm just not sure there is any other way. I wish there was.
None of that is probably what you wanted to hear, and none of it probably makes any sense, and I'm sorry I can't just forget and move on. I'm sorry that, for whatever reasons, I can't give you what you want. Really, I guess, I'm just sorry.
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: DM
To: OG
Subject: What now??
Hello you, what have you been up to? how are the kids?
I wanted to find out how we are now, you never returned my call, text to tell me to call. Are we done now? I was kind of hoping to give an explanation as to why we didn't get together the last time I was back there, you never gave me the opportunity.
My time here may well be done soon, i'm still not coming back the UK, i'm not ready to come back, but I think it's time to move on. I started that blog that you mentioned, I got a few posts written and quite a few to do but got bored with it, I may just pick it up again soon. You know it's not my type of thing.
DM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: OG
To: DM
Subject: Re: What now??
I don't know how I am. Functioning. Lost. Working hard, little else. The kids are kids. X another year older, Y soon to be.
I was hurt about your visit, or rather lack of it, really hurt, and really angry too, but mostly I guess resigned to the situation. I didn't return your text because I didn't want to have a pointless, hurtful, horrible conversation. I don't want that for either of us. You could have called with an explanation when you cancelled. Even a quick 5 minutes. But its not really about that, the explanation, its that you didnt make an effort, at all, after everything. And if you'd really wanted to explain, you could have done that, you know you could. I'm still here.
You know, I had planned to shut my blog. Change my phone numbers. Change my email address. Generally shut you down completely. I haven't. I don't know why not. I don't know why I'm replying now.
I guess, really, its not about the call, or the visit, or any of those specifics. It's about the fact that I love you and you don't love me, and that's really what it all boils down to. I'm not blaming you for that, and maybe in a way I'm no longer blaming myself for that either.
I've spent this long trying because I really believed we could fix it, or maybe that I could fix it, if we just spent time together, if I could make you believe I was serious. Not in some naive and fantasy way that everything would suddenly be rosy, but just that it was right, and it was worth it, and we could make it work, even with the situation.
After my visit, I can't do anymore than I've done to make that happen. There's nothing left. I came. I saw you. I told you. I listened to you. And still I believed. Still I hoped. My last stand I guess!! And it wasn't enough.
You ask if we're done now? I don't know. I haven't magically stopped loving you overnight. I haven't stopped thinking about you every day. I haven't stopped having a space that never gets filled. But I have stopped hoping, and wishing, and waiting. Because, now, what's the point? Because you don't feel those things about me. And there's nothing left that I can do to change that.
So where does that leave us?
All along there has been a point to all of this, for me at least. A journey with a clear end in sight. If there's no end, what's the point of the journey?
There's so much of me that wants to say to you "Don't worry. It's cool. We'll still be friends. We'll still catch up occasionally.". So much of me that wants to know about your blog, that wants to know about your life, that wants to be a part of yours. But I've said all along, I can't do that with you.
Even though I'm tempted to take what I get, and even though I can't actually imagine a life without you in it, and even though I wish you love and joy, I don't think I can be your friend unless you're single. I just absolutely couldn't deal with that. And you're not going to stay single forever. I could cope with P. Even understand it. But I couldn't cope with someone else. Someone who isn't me.
Maybe that will change, after all who knows what's around the corner. Maybe I'll get in touch one day to tell you 'I'm happy, I'm in love, I hope you are too', but I can't promise that and I can't pretend.
It makes me sad that you're still "moving on", because you're going to run out of places to move on to and nothing will have changed. It makes me sad that we can't have the life I think we both want. It makes me sad that you're not coming home. And it practically fucking kills me that this all feels a bit too much like the end of the road. Perhaps that's why I didn't respond. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I'm just not sure there is any other way. I wish there was.
None of that is probably what you wanted to hear, and none of it probably makes any sense, and I'm sorry I can't just forget and move on. I'm sorry that, for whatever reasons, I can't give you what you want. Really, I guess, I'm just sorry.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Warning!!
This post is full of gripes and groans, and its not my fucking hormones!!!
I couldn't sleep for some reason last night. Ended up being awake until around 3am, and then had to drag myself out of bed for work this morning. Was stressed before I'd even got there just thinking about it, after an email on Friday telling me I had to find new premises for my service within the month!!! Well, at least that's what I thought it said. In hindsight, and after some discussion with others it would seem that it may in fact say we have to find new premises, and then give a months notice, which is still stressful but slightly less so! Still waiting to have the situation confirmed though. On top of that, some of my "partner agencies" are pissing me off with the odd thing that's happened, and I am struggling to cope with workload, oozing diplomacy, managing some issues within the team and now this move! Just feel a little like I'm drowning at the moment.
I emailed The Sun support desk yesterday, to enquire how come I haven't registered yet my profile appears to be there, and got the following reply today:
Thanks for your email. I'm afraid that I have not been able to locate your membership. Please let me know the username that you chose to register with, along with the email address that you think you used to register in order for me to investigate further. Many thanks in advance of your co-operation.
Ahem!!! I don't know what username/email address I think I used, because as far as I'm concerned I didn't fucking register!!! Isn't that the fucking point?!!! Bloody useless!
I did go and check my Match site though, which I had to sign up for again (fortunately for free), and it is word for word the same, so Duddler's comments make sense, although I had cancelled my membership (so I thought). Will wait and see the outcome.
Okay, moan over!
Updat: Moan not over!! Have just been evicted from the Big Blogger house, after losing by 2 fucking votes!!! Bollocks!!
I couldn't sleep for some reason last night. Ended up being awake until around 3am, and then had to drag myself out of bed for work this morning. Was stressed before I'd even got there just thinking about it, after an email on Friday telling me I had to find new premises for my service within the month!!! Well, at least that's what I thought it said. In hindsight, and after some discussion with others it would seem that it may in fact say we have to find new premises, and then give a months notice, which is still stressful but slightly less so! Still waiting to have the situation confirmed though. On top of that, some of my "partner agencies" are pissing me off with the odd thing that's happened, and I am struggling to cope with workload, oozing diplomacy, managing some issues within the team and now this move! Just feel a little like I'm drowning at the moment.
I emailed The Sun support desk yesterday, to enquire how come I haven't registered yet my profile appears to be there, and got the following reply today:
Thanks for your email. I'm afraid that I have not been able to locate your membership. Please let me know the username that you chose to register with, along with the email address that you think you used to register in order for me to investigate further. Many thanks in advance of your co-operation.
Ahem!!! I don't know what username/email address I think I used, because as far as I'm concerned I didn't fucking register!!! Isn't that the fucking point?!!! Bloody useless!
I did go and check my Match site though, which I had to sign up for again (fortunately for free), and it is word for word the same, so Duddler's comments make sense, although I had cancelled my membership (so I thought). Will wait and see the outcome.
Okay, moan over!
Updat: Moan not over!! Have just been evicted from the Big Blogger house, after losing by 2 fucking votes!!! Bollocks!!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Another weekend over
After massive work stress on Friday, (more to come tomorrow when I can face thinking about it!), and a call from school to collect X early as she was stil poorly, I was glad I had nothing more than a quiet evening in with Big Brother to look forward to! Settled down with a glass of wine and the telly before later spending a bit of time on the pc exchanging porn clips with DB!! Most amusing!
Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!
Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.
Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.
One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!
Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!
Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!
Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!
Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.
Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.
One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!
Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!
Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!
Dreams
Last night, terrible dreams. Dreams of you, of being with you, of losing you. Life reflected.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
