It's official. I am a binge eater!! Haven't done binge eating in a while, or getting pissed either (incidentally last night reminded me why I don't drink!!), but it seems that this weekend it has made a comeback. And stupidly, because I feel like a fucking heffalump at the moment! So, I have just eaten... 6 small victoria sponge cake bars, a can of tuna and a packet of crisps!! In that order!! Nice! And even that hasn't made the craving for god knows what in my life go away.
I have also just had a wank (perhaps that's what's made me hungry and I am sooooo much an instant gratification girl that I cannot be bothered to cook! Plus I'm going out tonight so actually wouldn't eat a "proper meal" beforehand due to heffalump status! Bingeing seems an infinitely more sensible solution!), which hasn't helped either!!
I just feel restless this weekend. And... I don't know, I can't put my finger on it, but just kind of missing. Like something is missing. Like DM is missing.
And he has been in my head really badly this weekend, worse than the now normal vague awareness that he is no longer a part of my life. This weekend I am actively missing him. Missing his voice, missing his chats, missing his laugh, missing his touch, missing his cock. Just missing him.
I think it is Fireworks night that has brought it all out in me. A poignant and not particularly great reminder of how great it was a year ago. Not helped by X talking non-stop round Sainsbury's about how "...DM bought loads of fireworks last year didn't he... and we had a party... and a firework ran away... and is he coming back soon... and I want to see DM... and of course he is still your boyfriend Mummy....".
I'm also aware of my birthday counting down, and Christmas looming. Neither of which were great last year, fucking understatement of the century, neither of which are likely to be great this year. Because he isn't here. And really that's all I want.
And so now the crying commences. Fucked up. Fucked up!!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
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5 comments:
Hate to use your toilet after you ate all that, errrh, "heffalump" have not heard that word for ages, it made me laugh, I like to use boulouger whale at the moment, not sure on the spelling, and a female freind once said to me, "a bottle of wine, a good movie, and her vibrator," would beat the shit out of any man, don't know if she ment pysically or not, but I was scared and thought fuck, i would love to do meny sexual things to her, and she still features in my sexual wank top ten, but now I don't want to have the shit beaten out of me. Especially with her vibrator, so I gave her a wide birth for now, but in principle what she is saying seems apt. I am not saying become a wino, or a film buff or get your vibrator out, just passing on her comment.
Wayne x
aw, this feeling will pass. i hope blogging about it makes u feel a bit better. whens ur birthday?
*passes the tissues*
Erm cheers Wayne. Not sure what to make of that?! What I would say though is that nothing beats a bottle of wine, a good porno, a vibrator and a man! Why have one or the other??
Cheers Joie, I know it will. Feel a bit better now, back to the dull space!! Sure I will be much better in January! Bloody hope so anyway!! And blogging does help actually. Loads. My birthday is 1st Dec. First day of advent. Yay!
Thanks cat, but think you need them more than me right now honey. Hang on in there.xx
How about occasional lurkers or inconsistent commenters, do we count? No category for us...
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