The game goes on...

Well, after not responding to my message Tues morning, the game seemed back on when I messaged him Wed evening. He responded straight away, and had about an hour and a half of messaging throughout the evening.  He followed that up with messages through Thursday day, which was a new one, so all was looking good for a good day today, as we were both off work.

However!!  Today the boy is playing hard to get, leaving me more than bloody antsy!!!  Was planning a day of brief alone time, to get the itch out of the way, followed by a day in the pub, and then a hot and heavy session later!  Instead, I have had flirty messages but no bloody action!  I am more than a little frustrated!

Even text SG in my needy state, probably a good thing he's busy tonight!

The beat goes on...

I had a wank last night.

Not such a big deal you may say, but my libido has been out of the window just lately, and I tried (and failed) to wank a couple of nights ago, so to manage successfully last night (albeit with the aid of porn!), feels like quite an achievement.

However, orgasm over, it brought with it such an emotional longing for DM that I realised that however much I wish it had, in fact, none of how I feel about him has gone away; I'm just not letting myself feel much of anything anymore. Anything particularly emotional is now avoided, and even the run of the mill emotions are just that: run of the mill! Having always been an emotional high octane dramarama kind of girl, I'm beginning to get used to the dulling of the senses. Though it's not good for my sex drive I'm sure.

It's been a month since our last contact. Since I told him not to contact me again. A month exactly. That is until I reneged on all of that last night...

Middle of the night texts were sent, and replied to.

I wanted to text him and I did. No excuse other than that. No regrets that I did (other than in hearing cyber space sighing in impatience at me!). I slept fitfully, with mixed up dreams of reconciliations and endings, and woke with him still in my head this morning.

The bottom line is, I don't want a boyfriend. I want him. I want every moment of my life, good and bad to be shared with him. And I want him to know that. And if he doesn't want me I can live with that, I have done for months, it's hard and painful but that's the way life is sometimes. You just get on with it eventually.

But what I can't bear the thought of, is that he doesn't know that I loved him so. That I do still love him. I just want him to believe that. Truly truly believe that.

I just don't know what I have to do to prove it!?

Return to owner please

I have been deserted!!

I don't know what has happened to my libido just recently, but I think somebody has stolen it away!! If you find a missing libido roaming the plains of blogland, please send it home wit a pat on the bottom! It is currently sorely missed!

Not that I have any great use for it at the moment mind you!

Time for a change of mood...

Jesus, my blog has been depressing lately!! Time for a change of mood methinks! The worst is behind me now and actually I feel pretty good. I'm surprised at myself. I think it's because I've done so much grieving and wondering over the last ten months that there is nothing left now it's finally over.

Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.

Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...

Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!

So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.

Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?

PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!