Dreams

After a night of unwelcome dreams I'm feeling decidedly unsettled today.  In truth I guess its not the dreams that are unwelcome, its the waking to a different reality that still requires adjustment.  I don't know how or why this kind of thing can still affect me so much.

Moving on... or not!

It doesn't seem to matter how much time goes past, the loss is always present, and even though the hurt is gone from the early days, there are still things that can sting more than a little. I'm not sure I'll ever truly come to terms with the situation.

Missing

Really should not go noseying on Facebook profiles....
Makes me sad.

Goddammit!

I don't know what DM is currently doing on the other side of the world, having had no contact at all for about a year, but he is in my head, at night, loads at the minute!  It drives me insane!  I'm beginning to wish there was a pill that would just erase all memory of him.  I'm sure it will pass...!

It is what it is

Have just Facebooked DM, just to make sure he knows I'll be visiting San Francisco in October, and just to make sure he knows that I haven't (and won't be!) suggesting meeting up with him!

I may still miss him - there may be days when he is still in my head, and posting stupid pictures of his fucking wife and dog may still right royally fuck me off - but I know there is no point in seeing him. If I hadn't already learnt it, then August finally brought that home.

He is gone. I am surviving. It is what it is!

The wonders of the internet

I am conscious that according to my blog DM has not made an appearance or impact in my life since sometime in the earlier half of 2010. That is not strictly true, in fact not true at all, but I have wanted to leave an appropriate period of time so that I can bury this post back where it belongs, and not feel that comment or judgement will be made on it.

There has been some minor contact earlier this year, around June time but the exact timing escapes me, (which is probably a good thing and says much about how far I've come!) He suddenly friend requested me on Facebook - quite out of the blue, although it may have had something to do with a blogging post (I am pretty sure he still checks in occasionally - probably to see if I'm still posting about him, which, I'm not - or haven't been until now!!!). It took me a little by surprise and it took me a few days to decide what to do about it (which probably says much about how far I haven't come!), but eventually, if only out of curiosity, I accepted him. I think that really I didn't want him to think it was a big deal, although, truth be told, it kind of was!

To be honest, he doesn't really use it very much (although I am writing this today (25.2.12) and he has just posted a picture of the wife and dog, which, even after all this time, is still enough to fuck me right off!!), and as I have seen the wedding photos months ago (its amazing what you can find on the internet these days!) there hasn't been much on there to worry about. Its odd though. It's something I am conscious of, and I couldn't help but post a little post that I knew he would understand and that I hope makes his wife just think a little....

Maelstrom

Last night I went to bed full of fluff! Figuratively speaking of course.

I'd had a pretty good day, after a relaxing weekend, and it was topped off by a brief but pleasant text chat with JB confirming the 12th for our hot date. So I settled to bed calm, content, and full of pleasant thoughts of times to come and the delightfulness of new men.

This morning however, it was not new loves that crept unbidden into my dreams but old ones.

I woke in a whirl of emotions from an all too real dream that involved, in brief, the return of the man that was and a gradual reawakening of us after a weekend spent together which culminated in me losing him in a crowd.

It has taken me all day to shake a strange sense of impending trouble. I have spent the morning restless, anxious, and with a turbulence in my stomach that was not related to any digestive issues in any way.

It frustrates me that my subconscious can betray me in this way. That it can let my past creep into my present, albeit through my dreams only, and that I can be affected by something that is long since dead. It's ridiculous that something as small as a dream, which means nothing, absolutely nothing at all can send me into a spin for nearly an entire day. It's certainly a good job I don't believe in premonitions, because if I did I'd be predicting a showdown where I'm forced to choose between the old and the new.

I so want to choose the new and forget the old ever existed, but it unnerves me how much it shakes me. As I said, it's a good job I don't believe in the power of dreams, no matter how real they seem.

Lets hope for a more peaceful night tonight.

Happy Birthday

I have had, and I am sure have yet to come, a very hard week. Work is relentless at the moment and is really taking it's toll, and on top of that I have not been sleeping at all well. So, last night, armed with a good book and Ann Summers finest Pulsatron I decided to administer some medicinal light relief! I was half expecting the mission to fail, but surprisingly the blast off was extremely effective.

However, at point of detonation, and in those few minutes of the world resettling I was really, really reminded that I have had no really decent orgasms since DM, and that I can't deny we had, for the most part, some of the best sex I have ever had. This, for some inexplicable reason (which I attribute to my spunk addled (minus the spunk) brain) kickstarted the thought and I was overwhelmed with the desire to tell him so. So, after a record ten months of no contact, I texted him.

Stupid? Yes probably! Pointless? Most definitely! Regrettable? Absolutely not!

I'm at a point now where I fully accept that he is in my past and will never again be a part of my present or future, so to be honest, contact with him is really not that big a deal to me.

Half an hour ago, for no reason that is at all apparent, I suddenly realised that yesterday was his birthday. Without any thought at all, and completely unknowingly, I texted him on his birthday. Or rather, I texted him smut on his birthday.

That has kind of freaked me out a little.

Eye candy

I am just watching moving Best Friends Girl, which will probably turn out to be mediocre, but have to share the discovery of the gorgeousness of the bad boy character Dane Cook , who is frankly delicious!

He looks much more rough and ready in the flesh (well, the flesh on tv!) than the photos I googled - which is better, and I refuse to acknowledge any likeness to a certain now American. Nope, nope, nope - he will not define my perfect man any longer.

Goddamn my preferences for certain types!!

Update - shmaltzy it may be, but not only does it have the hot man, it also has a soundtrack that includes this...

Ghosts

Despite spending the entire day yesterday with thoughts of JB running wild through my head (to the extent of even prompting the typical girly behaviour of checking horoscope compatibilities!), it seems my subconcious has something different to say on the matter, as it was DM who crept unbidden and unexpected into my dreams last night, and I awoke this morning with the sense of him so vivid in my mind I almost believed I could roll over and touch him.

Anniversaries and milestones

Today is also my 4 year break up anniversary with DM - and yes, although the pangs are still there some days, the time between them gradually gets greater and greater, and whilst if I'm completely honest he remains my birthday wish, I can honestly say that the anniversary is second to the birthday these days - even if not forgotten entirely! Maybe one day.

Plus, its been almost 5 months without any contact - which is getting on to be a record I think!

The untold

The other problem with this 'time of the month' is that the normal control I have of other emotions goes to pot - especially where he is concerned.

Still, reigning it in and supressing successfully (mostly) for 25 days a month is progress I guess!

Information highway

The internet is a wonderful place. Full of secret peeks into other people's lives. Information from all over the world. Reassurance of place in a vast and lonely planet. Connections to people we may never meet.

It is also hell. The place where given enough clicks of the fingers, and time on hands, and smart thinking, you can find almost anything at all.

I have spent today looking at wedding photos. They weren't mine.

I shouldn't look. I shouldn't care.

I have. I do.

Like the Murphy's...

... I'm not bitter.

I was sitting in my garden having a cigarette some time in the early hours of this morning, after watching some chick flick that inevitably ended with true love conquering all and a happy ever after, pondering love, life, the universe and DM, when it struck me that I have absolutely no bitterness regarding the situation.

I have, in the past, felt quite angry and bitter towards him, for getting to go off and live happily ever after, and leaving me here with nothing. But I realised last night that I don't feel bitter at all anymore, even if I try to, I just can't muster it now.

I'm glad about that.

Back to normality

Calm is restored. I really don't need the shit, so fuck it. I'm changing my number and that is that!

Drive...

...I need to.

I'm calmer, but not ready to update all. In fact, I don't know how to. I feel like I can't describe myself properly.

I need to drive. Process it all in motion.

Actually, I need to just let it all go. I just don't know how.

Day of rest

I am off work today, and boy do I need it! Have had two late nights, with the heat meaning poor sleep, and had to get up to do the usual hoisting to work. I am absolutely shattered now and fully intend to make use of my sofa when I've finished here.

So, the last week has been a bit exciting, if also emotionally draining, brought mostly about by a new internet interaction in the form of Rugger Bugger! We have been emailing loads, and I've thoroughly enjoyed it, as he really makes me laugh - particularly in emails. Since then we've chatted on the phone - too long really! - my bill will be horrendous, and have talked about anything and everything, from the state of the world to creampies to the decline (in his opinion - blasphemy in mine) of Big Brother. It's been really good to have some new, harmless distraction and focus, and I'm enjoying getting to know someone completely random in a different way. I'm all about loving the random and my life has been distinctly lacking for a long time.

I have considered if it's going to go anywhere further - the next step naturally would be to meet etc, but to be honest I don't think that's going to happen. We didn't meet on a dating site, so that certainly wasn't my intention in the first place, and he's not that local so would need organising my end, and whilst it's all great to do the flirting and the chatting, quite obviously from what's yet to come, it's probably not a good idea to go down that road for me. It's great though! And is definite inspiration for the future!

So, the reason for caution. As ever, the one and only...

I had a text from DM late one night last week, saying "I am on my way back", which was the first contact since our "final" (I say somewhat ironically) communication back in March.

It was somewhat unexpected, and as always, sent me into a whole heap of hope and a general tizzy. I replied simply with "Why?", to try and gauge what, if anything, I should be reading into it - particularly after we'd talked and emailed so much about the fact that I always read far too much into what he says!! No reply came for the whole of the next day, so eventually I text him again asking why he bothered texting me if he wasn't going to reply to my answer. He replied with "That's how I thought it goes now! You wanted to know when I was in the UK."

What?!?! I am fucking sure I didn't, and at this point, obviously I'm reading there is no hidden and secret desire to see me. So, in the interest of the benefit of the doubt, and good Karma, and sending out to the universe what you want back and all that malarkey, I thought - okay, there's obviously been a misunderstanding here, as I had asked him to send me one single text to let me know the wedding had gone ahead, so I responded "No, I didn't. You misread me. I wanted to know you had gone through with the wedding. You did. So if you're just visiting as a happily married man it has nothing to do with me know.", and that was that, and I tried to forget it came.

Bizarrely, since finding out in March that he was getting married, I had deliberately not gone out of my way to use Google for the purpose for which it was created - which is to snoop round and find pictures of girlfriends of ex loves of lives! Which was not an easy thing for me, but I held fast and stuck to my guns, despite the temptation.

However, on the Monday before this text, I had succumbed to the power of knowledge and had a fish around, which resulted in a few of the actual wedding pictures, and a bit of knowledge where she works etc. And actually, although there was a level of nausea at the sight of it (not least because it was far cheesier than I would have had him down for!), it was actually a good thing for me. She is a complete innocent party in this I know, but I'm human, and I'm female and it would have pissed me off if she had been a complete minger, or a complete beauty. She is neither - she is younger, prettier and thinner than I am, but not so much so that I felt pissed off or upset, and she has a really cool, positive job, that made me quite like her. So, after all this, I decided to wish them well (obviously only in the spirit of the universe, I'm not Mother Theresa) and work really hard at moving forward in my own life.

So, that was the backdrop to the text last Thursday - it arrived 3 days after these great personal revolutions of mine! That said, after this little bout of contact, I was kind of "same old, same old" about it all, and had the nice little distraction of RB to keep some sparkle in my life, so was just getting on with getting on.

So after all this, I was texting RB on Wednesday evening, having a nice bit of banter, alongside some updates to the girls, when another text comes in. "I take it you don't want to see me then?" What the fuck?!! Seriously, what the fuck??!!!!

And I know, as most of my friends will now tell me, that I really should just ignore it. Just tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, but my logical and reasoning brain which whispers all those things to me, and would be shouting them to anybody else in this situation, just kicks out and my heart kicks in. But I'm proud of myself, for trying to remain strong, and not just calling him a cunt - and I know it's partly because there is still that tiny glimmer of hope, but also because I really, really don't want to leave things with me thinking badly of him. It will kind of make a mockery of all my feelings for him if I did. So, I remain calm, I text what I feel "What would be the point DM? Seeing you isn't going to change anything is it? I need to accept that you've made your choice and it wasn't me". There, clear, concise, but not nasty. Just honest. What would be the point?

A few minutes later, he replies " I don't remember anything about having to stop caring about other people! Yet again I under estimate you. Take care OG, I mean what I say." Again, I say, what the fuck?! The first bit really fucking riled me!! How dare he say this is about caring, and imply that I don't care, or am being petty for not letting him care. The statement should be 'I don't remember anything about saying you were allowed to fucking care about me!! If you fucking cared about me you wouldn't have gone off and left me, married someone else, and now be fucking messing with my head!!! We acknowledged I read too much into that, you fucking know that, so why keep texting me!' As for the rest of the statement, I don't even know what he means, to be honest. So, I'm spitting - actually, not angry, more frustrated. I just don't know what he wants from me!!

And I'm doing my bit, best as I can, to fucking leave it all behind me - much as that still fucking hurts! But despite all that, again I text as best I can, not wanting to make it about him being a bad person, because I truly believe he doesn't mean to hurt me, he just can't go more than 3 or 4 months, without being in touch. In fact, since I moved, he has been the one to contact me: mutual contact in June 08, contact from him (ignored by me) in Nov, contact from me which he didnt get so doesn't count in Jan, then contact from him again in February, then in March, and now in fucking June!

Seriously, I'M the one considering relationship counselling?! Where is the wife in all this? But I know, actually know, that in his head he will manage to reason it out somehow, and genuinely convince himself that there is nothing in a simple text to me. BULLSHIT!! After all that's gone before? No contact from him is as simple as he presents it. And he knows that's how I think!!

Okay, now breathe!

So, as I was saying, before I got detracted on a rant. I give him the calm version of calling and screaming in frustration at him (seriously, nobody in the world affects me like he does!) - though thinking about it, perhaps that emotional trigger is what made the sex so hot!! - anyway, I replied "It's nothing to do with not caring! I'll always care, against my better judgement. I just can't keep doing this. Even the thought of seeing you wearing a wedding ring makes me feel physically sick! and we'd have a great time, as always, and then you'd leave and I'm left gutted again. So you don't get to be my friend. I'm sorry but I just can't. And if you cared you'd understand that." Enough said.

So my evening went on, I chatted to RB til 3am, which was cool, and went to bed both positive and resolved. Job done! You'd think anyway.

Yesterday, I was absolutely knackered, got up, took car to garage for 2 new tyres (after getting a flat at work on Wed and running around like a blue arsed fly to get it sorted, before being rescued by a very fit breakdown mechanic!), and on the way back from the garage, heading to work, I thought I saw him driving the opposite way. And my heart just cracked right down the middle. Again. Again.

I'm so sick of it. And now I'm crying because he's just text, and I know, KNOW, that this is not healthy, and not normal, and I swear I am going fucking crazy, and I don't know how to make it stop!!

Chaos

I have sooo much to blog. Good, bad, and pretty ugly in some ways. Did plan to do so tonight, but Y is sat behind me in his room (laptop still bust and work laptop not arrived!), scowling at me! And sighing dramatically every 30seconds. So I just can't concentrate.

To remind me, therefore...

Rather random, and somewhat exciting Rugger Bugger or RB as he'll probably now be known situation, along with frustration and angst over DM - as usual. It's been like the Yin and Yang of emotions for me these last few days!

Final final thought

From: OGmail
Sent: 13 March 2009 16:38:20
To: DMmail

Me again! Bored of me yet? Writing the injunction as we speak? Never fear, I will soon be gone and you will be free of my inane ramblings! I just need to say what I need to say. Why? Must be a glutton for punishment and self humiliation! But hey, you can start your married life with a clean slate!

I've had this waiting for some time now, and never got round to sending it. Not least because it's about 7 texts long! But now seems the right time. Yes, it's flowery, and in your eyes probably over dramatic, and to be honest, to me at least, slightly pathetic, but I can't say it any other way - believe me I've tried. So, instead, I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it!

All I ask is that you truly hear it! We've discussed my hearing what you don't say, but equally you don't hear what I do say. I say "I love you", you hear "she thinks she loves me, but what does she know". Dont. Just hear! Please.

You've asked before how I am, and to answer, and to save you ever having to ask again, here's the best way I can explain it...

A long time ago, when we were together, it was like you opened something inside of me that made the world a brighter and better place, and me a better and braver person than I thought possible. Then you left, and doing so, you took that piece of me with you. And I was left with this gaping hole filled with nothing but pain and hurt, and for such a long, long time that was how it was - a constant, raging, awful awful ache. Now, many many months on, that hurt has gone, mostly, but that emptiness in me remains.

But over time, its almost like a glass wall has slowly built itself around the space, keeping me getting up in the morning, going to work, parenting, socialising, moving forwards, and stopping anybody really noticing. I haven't spent the last 3yrs moping around like some pathetic creature, but yet, deep in me, the space remains. And whilst that wall keeps me functioning most of the time, it also stops anything from really, really touching me these days. The good and the bad. Whatever I do, whatever I see, whatever I live, a part of me is always empty. The part you somehow gave me is always missing. You are always missing.

I don't blame you for that, you weren't to know. Hell, I didn't even know until it was too late, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to recognise it, let alone articulate it. And please, please don't think it's self pitying, because much as I may sound like a mills and boon twat, you should know me better than that. I don't spend my days sobbing into my hanky or bemoaning my fate, but if I'm honest none of it is ever quite right without you.

I love you and you alone. I miss you, always. It just is what it is.

So, in answer to your question, that is now, and probably always if I'm honest, who and how I will be. And that is why, you, my dearest, most infuriating, darling fucking idiot man, will always be my one true love. Even if that isn't enough.

That said, its time to let go. I've realised the last few days that what I've needed from you for me to let go, is knowing you have. I guess marrying someone else proves that pretty categorically. As for moving on, who knows, if I (heaven forbid) lost one of the children, I wouldn't be expected to move on, I'd just learn to live with it. That's what I have to do now, figure out who this different person is and learn to live with me and without you.

I do wish you well in your marriage, and your life, much as you may find that hard to believe. May it always be an A5 not an A1.

Good luck to both of us it seems!
With love, as always xxx

Done!

From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 06:56
To: DMmail

Do you know what?! Have the pic! Little difference it will make to anything now, but you're the reason I have it! And while I'm sending it, you can cast an objective eye over our communication over the last few weeks, and then judge whether you can really say that there was no element of misleading me, or chance of misreading that could be done there! And if you genuinely believe me to be completely reading something that isnt there, then why not print it off and show it to wifey to be, and see how happy she is that a few weeks before her wedding this is how her fiance texts his ex girlfriend! I doubt, of course, that you'll have the balls to do that! It's just me that's expected to swallow the rubbish you tell yourself, and me!

Good luck, I think you're both going to need it!

Oh, and I don't think I need to say it but, fine, let me know you've taken the leap if you need to, but other than that one text - leave me alone. I can't cope with any of this anymore.



Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 12:00:51
From: DMmail
To: OGmail

I guess this should be the one I get next….

Stultus est sicut stultus facit

From: OGmail
To: DMmail
Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 16:52:48

Meaning?
I know what it means, by the way. I mean, meaning in relation to you?


Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:10:15
From: DMmail
To: OGmail

Just that! Read the words, hear the meaning…..

From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 10:13
To: DMmail

See, this is exactly what I mean! I hear the words I can read a dozen meanings. For example
1. I was stupid to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was stupid to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was stupid to leave you
4. I was stupid to start this
And so on and so on!

I know what I hear, but as you have so ably demonstrated, what you say never corresponds with what I hear!


Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:22:26
From: DMmail
To: OGmail

Again your reading far too much in to it, again giving me far too much credit…….

It’s as simple as:

1. I was/am stupid……. to have that conversation with you and believe I wasnt leading you on.
2. I was/am stupid……. to not acknowledge you in general
3. I was/am stupid……. to leave you
4. I was/am stupid……. to start this

You don’t hear what I say because when I say hello, you hear Hello, do you still love me, do you want me to come home and marry you instead….

That’s why a “Happy Valentines” text is read Happy valentines….how you doing…do you still love me and I’m getting shagged by someone that’s not you tonight!!!!


From: OGmail
Sent: 10 March 2009 18:16:27
To: DMmail

Thank you. Yes, I do read too much into things, and yes you're right in your examples. My point is that you know that about me, and you still do it.

Case in point, see below, you were stupid to leave me - I hear "I've acknowledged I'm stupid so therefore perhaps I want to come home", you were stupid to start this - "I hear I was stupid to start this, however, even at the point that I recognised that I carried on, therefore I must still love you and want you"

You speak, I hear, and somewhere in the midst of all that is the truth. That you, and seemingly, I deny.

Either way, so it goes on. This is why.

It needs to change, or stop. You will do the former, I will regret the latter.

I have two more things to say to you and then will need to be done. Now is not the time.