Pretentions

With calm comes time and space for boredom. With boredom (and days off work!) comes time to spend aimlessly on the internet. With time on the internet comes random dips into random blogs.

The pretentiousness of people who blog both astounds me, and bores me further. Of the many, many, many I have viewed today, only a couple interested me enough to bother to read past the first few posts, and even less inclined me to comment. So, just a brief thought for today...

Hey bloggers (myself included)... get over yourselves!!

Bloggiversary!

Today is my 3 year anniversary of blogging! It may have been a somewhat haphazard 3 years, admittedly, but it's 3 years nonetheless! Quite an achievement for someone with the staying power of a gnat!

One year on

It's been a year today since I started blogging.

It seems like such a long time ago, and yet it also seems like yesterday.

A whole year. Who knew.

Bloggeration!

Hmmm, so the first task has been set in the BB house! Unfortunately for me I need to come up with something witty and amusing to do with a celebrity. Which is kind of difficult considering I have never actually met anybody that could be termed a celebrity! It also doesn't help that the entire rest of the house seems to have celebrity stories popping out of their ears!!

Waaaah, am going to get booted before I've even started :-(

On a better note, I was in the local paper quoted loads today about my job (well the service I manage), so am feeling very important :-) Oooh, perhaps I'm a celebrity!!! I wish!

Big Brother? So last year..!

Yay! I'm in!! (I'm a little concerned by how excited I am!!)

Joining my bloggy pal FB and a host of new (to me anyway) bloggy folks, I will, for the foreseeable future (hopefully the next few weeks anyway!), be blogging in secret from the fabulous distraction of the Big Blogger 2007 house. (Fortunately I've just managed to master the art of teleporting to enable normal duties to also continue!!)

So come on over, say hello and remind me of home! I may get lonely...
(Not to mention no doubt needing the bloody votes!!)

Bastards, BB, BBQs, Bereavements, Big days, BACK!

Well, ironically, after ATM (Across The Miles to you Middy) posted to let you know that I was internetless (but Armani Sunglasses intact), my internet has been restored. Much thanks to you ATM - an excellent job done! And a quote too! Hurrah!!

Normal service will resume shortly!

Housekeeping

Just a quick post to say look out for some changes afoot!

I am finding it difficult to post real life happenings and also past-post the Vegas etc adventures. I have a lot of posts started in draft form, some events, some ramblings, and some I'm not wishing to publish right now, so I'm currently rearranging them in real life order, for the sake of chronology.

So, bear with me! And be sure to check the links bar!

A landmark

I posted a while ago about a humbling day in Blogland, but had not managed to credit the other "fabulous" Blogland landmark (or blog crush as Middy would put it!). This writer has more knowledge and skill for composition, language and the beauty of words in his little finger than I am capable of in my entirety (much to my jealous chagrin), and that day he astounded me with a piece of poetry that is quite simply beautiful. Since then, he has managed to surpass himself, and this piece with yet another one, pushing his writing even further up in my esteem.

So, seeing as life is a little all work and no play at the moment for me, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share the artistry and insight of both these monuments...

Looking For You
I've always been finding the one
Without me really thinking that I'd ever be done
Another mouth to make my own mouth smile
Another mouth
To make it all worthwhile

I've always been seeking you out
Without me ever thinking that my search was in doubt
Another heart to make my half a whole
Another heart
For whom the bell might toll

I've always been looking for you
Without me really thinking that my one could be two
Another pair of eyes to see the light
Another pair
To heal my sore eyes sight

I've always been one of a pair
Without me ever thinking that you wouldn't be there
Another hand to hold that's not my own
Another hand
To make me feel less alone

Likehavewantneed
I'd like to teach the world, but not to sing.
I need to tell them what true love can bring:
A sense of immortality and worth:
The reason I've been put upon this earth.

I have to teach the world, but not to write,
That "she doth teach the torches to burn bright."
I'll thank my God that they've delivered me,
And realise that it was meant to be.

I want to teach the world, but not to read.
I have to tell them that it's love they need:
The sense of culpability and blame:
How things can never truly be the same.

I need to teach the world, but not a song.
I'd like to tell them where they're going wrong:
To trust to serendipity, not fate:
To just believe your heart and conjugate.

PS. You can read more from of this fabulous work here http://allmyownworn.blogspot.com/ .

A simple truth...

I love nearly all his work. All the mini-truths sought out, crafted and laid out like a piece of his soul itself, laid bare for us to nod at, question, dismiss, agree with and argue against. But today he surpassed himself. Today, he gave me not only the interpretation of a good lover, but a definition of love itself.

"... the best lovers in the world are those who talk. talk about what's inside. and let us in. deep deep within. to a place rich and strange. to the secret centre of their hearts. and make us feel comfortable. and let us stay there. rent free. for as long as we like."

Come on in, pull up a chair, sit yourself down, make yourself comfortable, and settle in.

PS. You can read the entire post here ... http://foundfoundfound26.blogspot.com/2007/04/casting-call.html

Daytrip

This Blogland we all inhabit so frequently is a funny old place, filled with laughter, fears, feelings, and some tears. I trip around from pillar to post and enjoy my time here in a fairly light-hearted way mostly, but with the occasional sorrow for some of my fellow inhabitants.

Today though, has been a memorable day in Blogland for me. Today I read, not one, but three, posts that have evoked something deeper in me.

The first is a post of pure truth. By a writer who takes concepts and words and turns them into realisations of such validity that I wonder how I did not see that before, and how I will ever it see it another way again.

The second, quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I have ever read by someone who's writing never ceases to amaze me. A post, and a blog, by a writer who takes the beauty of the written language and crafts both the language, and the content, in such a way as to leave me in awe.

And finally, conversely, was all about the content, a tiny part of the content, but a part that sparked a greater anger in me than I have ever felt on reading a post, despite the fact that I have such empathy for the writer. I was surprised by how much a simple phrase, a simple act by another human being (not the author) could rile me to livid so quickly.

Today, Blogland has been worth the trip. Though I leave feeling humbled.

Innocent Interview

Loving this from Innocent Bystander (http://innocent-stander.blogspot.com/) ! Below are my answers to his questions of me - kind of like a personal tailor made tag.

The Rules:
Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
I respond by asking you five personal questions (I will leave these questions for you in my comments) so I can get to know you better.
If I already know you well, expect the questions may be a little more intimate!
You'll update your journal/blog thing/whatever with the answers to the questions (please don't leave your answers in my comments).
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So! These were my "Innocent" questions...

1. How old will you be on your next birthday?
Ah, I like to start with an easy one!! 36. Unfortunately!!

2. If you didn’t need to work, how would you spend your days?
Seeing the world, spending money and getting someone else to make me beautiful! Although when the interest in that ran out I know I'd end up doing some voluntary work exactly the same as the work I currently get paid for. I love it so much!

3. Describe your perfect partner.
Someone who is sure of themself without being arrogant. Who is intelligent without being boring. Who is funny without being the laughing stock. Who is attractive without being too aware of it. Who is willing to take risks emotionally without risking my emotions. And who thinks all of those things about me, and only me.

4. Spit or swallow?
Spit?!! Spit?!! Not on my life!

5. If you had to spend your last £5 now, what would you purchase?
A packet of fags. (Though it would now cost me an extra 4p I've just discovered!!).

So thank you Innocent, and there's a little piece of me. Feel free to give me 5 questions of your own (is that in the rules?? God, I'm so not good at following rules!!), or ask me to interview you - although remember I have no imagination for such things :-)

Blah de blah de blah

So Saturday night saw me driving to the legendary Blah, home of the irrepressible Vi! It had been a bit touch and go a few hours earlier as I'd had an email I didn't want to read that both surprised and devestated me in one quick swoop. However, much tears, cigarettes, and driving later, I figured I would deal with it later and decided to head to Blah...

Met Vi at the CU, where she kindly popped out and collected me, thereby saving me from being snarled at by the "locals" (please insert Little Britain styley voiceover!), and the threat of being heckled from the pub! We sat and chatted for a bit, bearing in mind this was pretty much the first time we had spoken to each other, and I was struck by just how much this girl laughs! I don't think she even realises she does it, but she's really such a happy, easygoing person, and its the thing I really noticed about her. She's also friendly, down to earth, and very considerate. I think she was on her "best behaviour" a little, because I wasn't drinking (not that it would have bothered me), so I don't think I saw the 0-60 that Middy had the pleasure of, but even without it, I'm sure she's got more than a little mad in her when she gets going :-) All in all Vi was positively lovely, and I'm sure you will all agree when you finally get to catch up with her!

So, back to Blah... First up were Jasmine and Wolf, who I recognised from their photos, followed swiftly by Egg, and Tony (who didnt ring any bells). It was most bizarre to be introduced to people and then be constantly trying to figure out who they were and what they'd been up to, and in a way I'm glad that I kind of gave that up and relied on Vi to sneakily whisper the relevant bits in my ear!

Moved on from the CU and did the tour of Blah (all 4 pubs!), and I have no idea what order they were in or what they're real life or blogland names now are!! Was introduced to Barbie and a drunken but loyal mate in one (where me and Vi also did some quick ogling of unknown men - unfortunately married ones!), a very over friendly (towards Vi) bloke in another, and finally got a glimpse of the infamous AC in the final haunt.

Back to the CU we went, and gravitated to the "centre of the universe" (so I'm told!) table in the back bar. More were out by now - PYT, PYT's brother (who was actually a bit of a honey), Magoo, George, a girl with beautiful hair, another bloke who at one point was a little too interested in me but was fortunately distracted by the local bike (Vi's words!!!), as well as the original Egg and Tony.

The mystery of Kings commenced - and let me tell you folks, it has to be seen (or experienced) to be believed! It was hysterical to watch!! They are all a really good bunch, and all very funny in their own way (Egg, Magoo, Tony and George especially), and much laughing and bantering was occurring, which was great! But then add in the fucking hilarity of Kings and much alcohol, and it was too too funny!!

Finally got thrown out of the CU (I don't remember what time) and headed back to Vi's for a bit of a chinwag and a general putting to right of the world, before I saw her eyes glazing over with the boredom of my voice and thought I'd better let the poor woman get some sleep! I decided to come home so I could laze in bed all day on Sunday and she had plenty of time to get ready for the hot Pete date, and I left about 3am, with much chuckling under my belt!!

So, thank you Vi - I am sure I shall return to Blah in the pretty near future. You have to survive the challenge of a night out in *hometown* yet though...!

Yay! I'm back! (Well nearly!)

Hurrah hurrah!! I am back in Blogland! Although currently posting from work, so just a quickie, as home pc still knackered and damn elves didn't put out! Ho hum. Man coming to look at pc on Friday, so fingers crossed I will be back with a vengeance over the weekend. And I have lots of catching up to do....!

Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...

Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!

Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!

Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!

Why?

A long time ago now, when I was a fresh young blogger :-), I began a post about why I write this blog. Although I have made reference to it, I have not quite managed to tie it down, so tonight I thought it was apt to comment further.

When I first began to write it was to get out a whole lot of stuff that was clogging up my brain, to get it all out and to let go of it, as well as to remember emotions and events and to track the long, hard climb to the light at the end of the tunnel. It was also about trying to get 'he who shall not be named' (and that's NOT Lord Voldemort for all you Harry Potter fans!) to believe my depth of feeling for him, for him to understand me and my actions, as well as to get some responsibility from him for his part in that, and continuance in that. And finally, as a general diary for me to keep and look back on, which being the lazy cow I am needs a certain amount of external encouragement to ensure I continue to keep it.

So how successful a venture has this been?

Well, my brain remains clogged with crap, but it is no longer fuddled with a continual whirring of questions, self-reproach and emotional upheaval. The crap now is the never ending (and that's not a bad thing) circle of questions regarding life, love and the universe in general, (not to mention the usual pointless and completely forgettable crap of course!!), which is much more positive crap to carry around every day.

I have managed to "say" all I wanted to say to HWSNBM, and after much dialogue I now realise he will never really understand me, my depth of feeling or my actions, all of which go hand in hand with each other. Most importantly, he won't ever take any responsibility for some of that, in fact I really believe now that he absolutely cannot see it. And that has helped, even though it hurt, and that can only be a good thing.

As a diary, I have continued to post, almost daily (and sometimes more so!!) for over three months, which is the longest amount of time I have ever managed to document my life before! And that is down to the people who (misguidedly maybe!) take the time out to read and to comment. It doesn't affect what I post, but it definitely makes a difference to whether I post or not! So also a success.

And now? Now I write this blog purely as a diary, a personal diary (if a shared one also) that I will be able to look back upon in years to come and no doubt cringe, smile, laugh, groan and cry about. The story of my life. An ordinary life that is so like other people's in so many ways, and yet never exactly the same as any other one individuals.

I wish I'd started this years ago! That I could look back on all the crazy, boring, happy and dreadful times of my life that came before, times which juvenile dementia (seriously, I swear I have it!!) prevents me from remembering with anywhere near enough clarity to recall coherently now. But that time is all gone now, and although I might dip into it occasionally, just for prosperity's sake, it is the here and now that really counts. So, to end this rambling nonesense, just one thing left to say... I'm bloody glad I started this blogging malarkey! Long may it remain!

OG revealed!

Well, as some of you nosey little parkers have been donning your deerstalkers and smoking your pipes, I've decided to let the cat out of the bag officially regarding tonight's "date" and put you all out of your misery! This evening, I did, indeed meet the all revered Sleepless!!

If you want the rundown of how/where/when etc then go here... http://sleeplessinstaffordshire.blogspot.com/2006/12/who-is-she-who-is-she.html where, as usual, he has captured it in his usual succint and delightful fashion. For further details about "the man himself", and for comment on the "looks, attraction, chemistry and anything like that", (which he has very nicely avoided by the way!!), then stick around here just a little longer...

So, after some problems with traffic and my appalling sense of direction (granted), not to mention some questionable directions... (it's a bloody ROUNDABOUT!), we finally meet! I'm not going to go too much into the evening, as he has described it so well (including dodgy eavesdropping bloke who I am sure at this very moment is trying to track us both down in Blogland!!), so instead, on to the gossip... (which I know is what all you ladies are really wanting after all!!).

The conversation flowed and there was much laughing and giggling, which I'm sure would have got much much more raucous had we carried on the evening longer than we did. I don't think either of us dominated the conversation, (which is a miracle in my case!), and we discussed a range of things from the downright mundane to the much more interesting! I did learn some stuff about him, although I don't think much more than I had already picked up (I'm a perceptive little bugger you know!), and I think he has a slightly better idea of me as a whole person, although perhaps not in any great details. He was very easy to talk/listen to, and I felt comfortable with both him and the whole situation pretty much from the off, which I am pretty sure was reciprocated.

Physically, he was much smilier than in the pictures I have seen, although he was pretty much what I was expecting (no 92yr olds with buck teeth here, thank goodness!), and first impressions in that department were pretty good. He is an attractive man, although as I have said to him previously not exactly "my type". All good though, as I said yesterday I wasn't really expecting any massive romantic developments, for varying reasons, (one of which he confirmed without knowing pretty much straight away!!).

However... (and yes there is a however!) despite the above, (and not only am I putting myself on the line but I may also be wrong here!) I did feel there was a spark of chemistry there, for me at least. Not a blatant phrooarghh factor, but a very subtle undercurrent (and I have to admit to a tiny damp patch in the underwear area...!). I don't think enough to really proactively pursue, especially not considering the distance factor, but definitely something that if we repeated the evening a few times may develop into something physical, even if short-lived! (I'm interested to know by the way young(ish), (lol, sorry, couldn't resist!) Sleepless (even if in a private arena to save my dignity!)... Am I way off the ball here??)

I'm pretty sure that my original opinion that I am probably not his physical "type" (which he has annoyingly and very diplomatically not commented on! Grrr!!) remains accurate, despite the 'come to bed eyes' compliment, but he's a hard man to read, so who knows? Back to you on that one I guess Sleepless..!

So, will we be doing it again...? I don't know is the short answer! I would like to actually, and I would like to see him out of the suit, and somewhere loud and raucous where we could properly go for it on the twatting around, giggling and having a laugh factor. Anything more than that I don't know, but I do know he's a man I could definitely enjoy spending some time with and having a laugh with, if nothing else.

So, ladies, ask all the questions you wish (bearing in mind I won't answer anything that would infringe on his privacy, etc), while you can. Better be quick though, as I'm off for a libido inducing fiddle!

Damn bloody McAfee!!!!

I have McAfee Site Advisor on my computer. I am not sure how it got here mind you, but it recently has!!! And it is driving me mad with Blogger!! It won't let me click on the sign in links properly. I have been cursing blogger all weekend for not letting me sign in and post, when all along I think it's that damn McAfee....!

Yay!! Beta Rocks!!!

Hoorah! I have now changed to Beta and blog looks booooooootiful!!!! And I can finally link all you lovely bloggy readers without losing all my info to the bottom of the page. Hooray hooray! I am one happy blogger!!

(God, how bloody easily pleased am I???!!)

Final thought

Having a Jerry Springer moment I am taking a very quick post for my final thought. I was going to do a long post responding to the yet another comment from DM (see Tue comments), to point out a) the fact that he's missing the point about contact, it's not instigation of it I'm talking about, it's continuing to engage (ie. continuing to post comments!), b) the frankly ludicrousness of his statement regarding my desire for reading material, and c)a rundown of the factual inaccuracy of what he has now just said. However, frankly, I can't be arsed!

So, instead, I am using this final thought to say I shall no longer be responding to any comments from or about him, whether they are good or bad!! I am always interested to read comments, of course, even if sometimes I don't agree with them, but I'm not willing to engage in this any longer, so will make that clear before getting any. That way I can't be accused of not responding to any comments on him/me/the situation due to being a bunny boiler/in denial/not being able to cope, or that I am handpicking comments or responses, or whatever other reason possible. So, that's it really!!

Take care of yourself... and each other!

Maybe goodbye?

I woke up this morning to a text from DM saying he hadn't replied to my text because he hadn't received it. Which means he knows from here, which means he's still checking in. I had a feeling he was, a feeling that the very tiny, very strained thread of connection hadn't completely snapped, but after his last couple of anonymous posts, and considering some of the content here, I thought he had gone. But now I know for sure that that isn't the case. I don't understand that? I don't know why he is reading? I don't understand why he would let me know he is reading?

I originally sent him the link because he was so much a part of it. After my (somewhat laughable now) "closure" I assumed he would just disappear. He didn't, but with time I assumed he would just lose interest. That he would be so busy with his "perfect" life that he wouldn't bother with mine. I don't understand why he would even be remotely interested in my life anymore? He obviously doesn't want to be a part of it.

I don't know how I feel about this now? I'm not sure if I will have to leave? Maybe I will move blogs and start again...? I don't know, I just don't know!!

Feeling lazy

Have got a few posts rattling round in my head... Update on the weekend with CM, and an interesting new development from M (remember him?). Also, feel a post brewing around the differences between fuck buddies, friends with benefits, and casual sex. Some topics as mentioned earlier that I haven't yet got round to covering, as well as something inspired by Joe and his many questions around monogamy, etc.

But for now I am feeling too bloody lazy to be bothered. So instead, a quick post (yes I know the words quick and post are seldom found in these parts!!), just to say thank you to you all for commenting on my delurk. Old, new, occasional, regular, (and duddler you can have a category of your very own if you wish), whoever you are and however often you visit or comment.

I must say, considering my hit counter, either I get a lot of non-stopping through traffic, or all you lovely regs visit loads!!

But I was very pleased to unearth three definite lurkers, namely te, just why and ahem. So welcome to you all, hopefully we may hear from you again. If not, then feel free to lurk all you wish...!

I wonder if there are any more out there....?