Well in answer to the question I posed yesterday about who would be next… I couldn’t believe it when I woke this morning to a text from an unknown number simply saying “Hello”!
This is getting ridiculous now! If I wasn’t living this life myself I wouldn’t believe it!!
I replied simply but politely… “Hello yourself. Who are you though?”
I know it was MW, but ha ha Mister, think on that you’re no longer in my phone book or my head!!
Showing posts with label MW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MW. Show all posts
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Monday, October 30, 2006
A brighter day
Feeling much brighter today. Things much more in perspective! Amazing what getting it all off your chest and a good nights sleep can do!! And flirting with SG and knowing I didn't do anything rash with CM helped too of course :-)
Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.
Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Feeling shit today has not been helped by the fact that I feel fucking awful for CM, lovely decent man that he is.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
Crash and burn
So, last Tuesday, the delightful MW had returned into my life (at my instigation), and we had arranged to meet the Thursday now coming up. We spent the whole week texting and msning, I sent him some new pics of me, and I spoke to him on the phone Thursday morning for an hour and all was good. He came over Friday evening for a cuppa, and we spent a couple of hours chatting and everything seemed fine, with him leaving and Thursday nights date confirmed.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Oh my god oh my god oh my god
I have just been chatting to MW, the first of my 3 significant men, from a long time ago, see here http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/dm-part-1.html for further details.
Was on the phone to my mate and she mentioned he had a myspace account, so thought I would go check it out and say hi. I have tried to contact him on friendsreunited before to no avail and it all ended rather messily, with him practically accusing me of being a psychotic stalker (who me??), so I was kind of expecting him to ignore me.
He didnt!!! In fact we have spent the last two hours chatting on messenger, have exchanged phone numbers, texted several times and arranged to meet a week on Thursday!!!! Oh my fucking god!!!! I can't believe it. Seriously seriously can't believe it!! I have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I must be wearing eau de whore or something.
But I am so fucking happy and excited I can't tell you!!! Because I fucking adored this man. In a big big way. And now he's single, and seemingly sorted, and I'm seeing him!!!!
And oh my god, my life is fucking crazy and I fucking love it!!!!!!
Was on the phone to my mate and she mentioned he had a myspace account, so thought I would go check it out and say hi. I have tried to contact him on friendsreunited before to no avail and it all ended rather messily, with him practically accusing me of being a psychotic stalker (who me??), so I was kind of expecting him to ignore me.
He didnt!!! In fact we have spent the last two hours chatting on messenger, have exchanged phone numbers, texted several times and arranged to meet a week on Thursday!!!! Oh my fucking god!!!! I can't believe it. Seriously seriously can't believe it!! I have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I must be wearing eau de whore or something.
But I am so fucking happy and excited I can't tell you!!! Because I fucking adored this man. In a big big way. And now he's single, and seemingly sorted, and I'm seeing him!!!!
And oh my god, my life is fucking crazy and I fucking love it!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
DM part 1!
I still have tonsilitis, only now it's slightly worse :-( I bloody hate it!!! Went to the doctors this afternoon, because it has been painful (not so bad though) since Saturday morning, only to find they are shut for a training session??!!!! For fucks sake!!!! You can't tell me they can't have at least one doctor and nurse covering. Fuckers!! And now it's even worse and I know it will be a bad nights sleep for me again (and not because I am being seduced by a sexy stranger unfortunately!). Tonsilitis sucks!!!
So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.
At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...
Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?
Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).
When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!
My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!
Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.
Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!
So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.
Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.
MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!
PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.
So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!
I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....
So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.
At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...
Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?
Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).
When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!
My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!
Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.
Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!
So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.
Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.
MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!
PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.
So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!
I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....
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