Memory lane

After taking some video footage of X's school concert, this evening has been spent reminiscing over old video footage that was also on the camera.

Good times.

Another weekend over

After massive work stress on Friday, (more to come tomorrow when I can face thinking about it!), and a call from school to collect X early as she was stil poorly, I was glad I had nothing more than a quiet evening in with Big Brother to look forward to! Settled down with a glass of wine and the telly before later spending a bit of time on the pc exchanging porn clips with DB!! Most amusing!

Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!

Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.

Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.

One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!

Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!

Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!

An ex file

I was talking to my friend Molly yesterday about MC (http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/search/label/MC ), my ex-boyfriend from a few years ago (the alcoholic). I hadn't seen her for ages and we were just generally catching up, and she just asked if I'd seen him or been in contact lately and how he was doing etc. (She was married to an alcoholic before her current marriage, and he died in January at just 35yrs old so that was the precursor to the conversation). I haven't seen him or been in touch with him for probably well over a year now, which I told her, and that I didn't really see the point in us keeping in touch as we'd tried to make a go of it a second time around and having a relationship just proved to be too much of a strain on his alcoholic recovery, and there was too much water (and Tennants Super) under the bridge for it to translate into a friendship.

After we broke up I spent months paranoid I'd get a call to say he was dead, but now though I do occasionally wonder how he's doing, and if I see his mate out I always ask after him, that's as far as it goes. Until yesterday I hadn't thought about him for ages.

This afternoon I got a text from an unknown number -
Hiya, wot u up 2 nowadays? hows the kids? give em my love x

Hello. They're good thanks. Who's this?

M. got difrent number now, just sortin me contact details out. wot u up 2 then? x

Ah. which M though (the same name as CM and M!!) ? I'm all good. Busy working etc. and have just booked to go to Vegas in May. Yay. How bout you?

Piss head M ur nitemare ex boyfriend! no1 just incase u ad anover nitemare boyfriend caled M since! why u off 2 vegas u gettin maried? x

Blimey, haven't heard from you for ages. Lol, I've had 2 Ms since you. Not as much of a nightmare though :-) Not getting married, don't know why everyone always asks that? Just a holiday. Going to see ATM and hubby. How's everything with you then?

I'm cool, things tickin over ok. getin by, as u do! wot u doin now, u workin in "nearby town" still? how's X an Y? bet Ys a typical kevin the teenager now ent he? and i reckon Xs calmed down and not 2 bad now she bit older... u happy then? x

Working in "local town" now for NHS. Never worked in "nearby town"? Am loving it. X is a bit calmer now, still X though! Y not too much a kevin yet, just every now and then! Happy? Yeah, I guess, pretty much. Glad your doing ok, your a good bloke.

U just sent the same mesage as last time! email or im me, M@.com

Random! Very, very random!!

Hello hello!

I was at a conference workshop thingy yesterday (with lots of lovely policeman, yum yum), but how fucking funny when I realised one of them, who looked familiar, I'd copped off with years ago when I was about 19. Much chuckling under my breath, but mouth kept firmly shut, and fortunately he obviously didn't remember. Most amusing!

Ghosts

Well a variety of ghosts from a distant past have all been out in force this week….

First up, DB makes an appearance out of the blue.

Secondly, DM returns (again!), you’ve read it (and yes I know, I know I should just ignore it!!)!

Thirdly…

Yesterday evening I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. No voicemail and no text to explain. Being a curious sort of girl (but having no credit!), I drop called it back, on the basis that they would return the call if was meant for me. No call was returned and I consigned it to the delete file in my brain.

Yesterday evening, I receive a text…
“Hi OG. Happy New Year. Hope you’re okay. Do you remember me?”.

Erm… that would be no! Surprising though it is considering the wealth of personal information contained within the message!!!!!
“Refresh my memory”

A second later the phone buzzes again…
“A clue is cigarettes”

Cigarettes?? Hmmm, that isn’t exactly causing anybody to spring to mind! I was thinking it may have been a bloke I met from the internet last February and saw a few times for a drink, but not sure where cigarettes would fit in with that!
“That hasn’t helped. I was thinking of someone, but the cigarettes have confused me”

Two minutes later, my phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi OG, how are you?”
“Erm fine thanks. Do I know you?”
“It’s Phil”
“Phil? Are you sure I know you?”
“Yeah, Phil. The cigarettes?”
“Erm… so how exactly do I know you?”
“We used to chat on the internet a while ago”
“We did? And I gave you my number? I’m sure I haven’t spoken to you before”.
“I was clearing out my computer the other day, and found your number on a spreadsheet. We used to chat from Udate”
“Oh yeah! I remember you know. Vaguely. That was about 2 years ago! I have to say this is a little random!”

So, I have this stranger, that I’ve never spoken to, but who I vaguely remember having a couple of msn conversations with, mainly around the fact that he had a massive fetish for women who smoked, now on the phone, almost 2 years later!!
What???

Fifteen minutes of very random, and far from free flowing, chat later (How you doing? Did you have a good Christmas? What did you get up to at New Year? etc etc), the phone call ends with an “Okay, better go. Nice to talk to you. You’re welcome to keep in touch if you’d like”.

I think I’ll pass thanks!

Who’s next?? A bloke who bought me a drink in 1997??!

DB - part 2

In November 2003 I got an email, through friendsreunited.co.uk from him. I remember I was surprised, and flattered. I hadn't heard from him, or thought of him for years, but it’s always nice to know that people remember you, and even nicer to know that they have remembered you enough to look you up specifically. It is, of course, especially nice when they are an ex-boyfriend too!!

We began messaging, and emailing, and were soon spending hours on messenger and sending copious amounts of emails a day. We spent a lot of time talking about what had happened with our relationship, and he expanded on the things he had been saying the last time we met.

I had always thought that he just didn’t fancy me enough, but in fact it turned out that he had always thought the same about me, and on top of that he had fancied me so much that it had made him completely shy and nervous. It was strange, to get a completely different perspective on things, and to see how stupid it was that we had both been worrying about the other person not liking them, whilst also being too in awe of each other to actually be able to go for it.

And it was lovely. I began to really look forward to ‘speaking’ to him and reading what was coming next. It was also lovely that we had slipped back into our old banter, and although he was still married (not terrifically happily I must add), and I was with MC (going through a really rough patch), we did begin to slip into quite flirtatious exchanges, with the occasional cyber session thrown in!

By February 2004, things were getting heated quite often, and I had begun to really want to meet up with him again. I knew he was married and I knew it was unlikely that would change, but I just wanted to see him and see if the chemistry was still there all these years later. Not to mention being able to catch up in person and see how the other had changed. However, he wasn’t ready for that and was very cagey about his personal details. I didn’t even have a phone number for him, although I had given him mine a few times.

Eventually, and somewhat predictably, he just disappeared again. He literally, without warning, just stopped replying to my emails. And I was pissed off! Not because I thought we were about to embark on a great love affair, or because I was madly in love with him (I was never truly in love with him), but because we had rebuilt a relationship of sorts, even if only a friendship, and we had talked about how difficult it had been for me in the past when he had just disappeared into thin air, and I expected more from him as a grown man!

Anyway, over the last couple of years I have emailed him occasionally, really just to see if he is okay, as I have wondered if anything had happened to him. He has never replied, and although I would like to know how he’s doing, and to see him again at some point, I haven’t dwelled on it too much, but have put him back in the box of ‘what might have beens’.

Today, completely out of the blue, I get an email from him, sent at lunchtime on Sunday…

“Hi, I hate this email thing”

What the fuck??!

DB - part 1

I first met DB when I was about 18 or 19. It was literally one of those ‘eyes met across a crowded bar’ movie moments (that I have to say have happened far too infrequently for me!) that made me literally freeze. Fifteen years on, I can still remember such little details from that night, and from other points of our relationship, that it amazes me (particularly with my bloody memory!!), and they still make me smile.

We were in our village local one Thursday or Friday night when everyone in the group decided to go over to hometown bar/club. I was quite happy where I was, and couldn’t be bothered, but because literally everyone was going I went too, mumbling and grumbling along the way! My mood continued on the short journey and with arms folded across my chest and pout on my face I begrudgingly went in. We had literally only been in there for a few minutes, when I looked across the room and saw him, and he saw me too.

You hear people say that time stood still, and at that precise moment I’m sure it did. All I was aware of was him looking straight at me and me looking straight at him, and for just a few seconds the rest of the bar just ceased to exist. A friend asking me what I wanted to drink brought me back to earth, and a few minutes later I was shocked to see one of our group heading over to my mystery man. They chatted for a few minutes, and I was aware that they had both looked over towards me as if they were talking about me, despite trying at that point to look completely nonchalant about the whole thing whilst I was telling my mate and asking if she knew him.

Mutual friend (MF) returned and said that he had been asking who I was, and then the pantomime of swapping numbers through him began. I can’t remember too much of the detail, but I know we didn’t speak that night but that communication was done through MF, who eventually furnished him with my number and then told me he had said he would ring me.

He did. And we arranged to go out to the cinema for a first date. I can’t remember what we saw, or exactly how the evening went, but I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember how nervous I was about meeting him, as he had literally taken my breath away. I also remember that when I dropped him home he practically legged it out of the car. No kissing, no “would you like to come in”, no “can I see you again”, nothing. Just, “thanks, I had a good time, bye” and gone!

I know he rang me again, and I know we went out again, quite a few times. I remember that he used to meet me down the pub during his lunchtimes and we’d play pool and chat and laugh and so on. I also remember that whilst I fancied him more than I had ever fancied anyone, that the pure lust vibes were there all the time, the physical side of us just never seemed to jell properly. We did sleep together, after a few weeks, and I remember that the first time I went to his house, where he cooked and we chatted and then we both got absolutely slaughtered before we went to bed.

Anyway, this was a pattern that continued, and every time we slept together we were both hammered. Me, because I just fancied him so damn much that I daren’t touch him and instead turned into this super shy creature, and him… well, at the time I didn’t know why. I know it didn’t help, but it made me more and more paranoid that he didn’t really fancy me. After a couple of months he just started to become unavailable, and eventually just disappeared with no real explanation. I was gutted, but with the resilience of youth there were plenty more fish in the sea, and I got on with it.

I don’t remember too much now about times and dates, but I know that this happened a few times. He would disappear for a few months, and then we would catch up with each other, and then we would start spending time together again, and then he would disappear again and so on and so on until it just kind of ended. But through all these times the sex issues were still the same, which for me was really, really unusual. I just never felt sure footed around him.

One of the last times I spoke to him, was a couple of years later when I was pregnant with Y. We bumped into each other in the local dive and got chatting. He was engaged, I was pregnant, but the whole chemistry buzz was still there, and I remember him telling me how much he had fancied me when we had been going out, and how he just couldn’t handle it. It was a strange meeting really, and although it made me feel a little better, it also made me cross. I saw him maybe a couple of times later; I remember once in the pub when he was with his now wife, and I was single again, and although he was relatively newly wed and we only had a really brief conversation the chemistry between us was still there, and once in the shopping centre, again with the wife, where I avoided him because I had not long had X and frankly looked like crap.

So that was the end of DB. One of life’s mysteries, and in many ways one of my ‘ones that got away’! Or so I thought….

Calm

This is the post I started yesterday, before I read a really nice comment from 'Dave in Chicago', commenting on a post I wrote a month ago about cutting the cord. It prompted me to go back and read what I'd written, and as you can tell from last nights posts, made me sad.

But back to today... Life is pretty calm at the moment. I am feeling very cool about pretty much everything. And not in a bad way!! Cool with the CM situation after M's comments at the weekend. Cool with flirting with M Saturday night. Cool with biding my time for the potential SG action. Cool with my online chatting buddy/potential meet. Even cool(ish) with the lack of my DM! I'm not too used to calm, and generally it doesn't sit well with me, but manic can't be maintained for too long without the lull, so I'm trying to enjoy the calm before the storm (which will of course invariably come!!).

The benefit of calm of course is that I have more time for slightly more random blogging; a more general perception into my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc rather than trying to keep up with the complexities of actual life.

So, that said, and in response to some of the comments from my previous post, as well as some recent posts by Joe, I thought I would expand a little on the "Sex" post with a few thoughts on relationships, monogomy, fidelity and maybe even sex in relationships? Who knows, lets just see where the rambling leads....

A couple of you mentioned the R, namely the relationship thing. Just want to get one thing straight. I don't believe FBs, FWBs or casual sex is necessarily the way to go, and I can't stress enough how difficult these types of encounters are to successfully maintain. But they have their time and their place, and can be really rewarding in many instances. That said, though it may seem as if that is all I'm interested in, in fact, what I would like, of course, is to meet somebody (else) who makes me want to dive wholeheartedly into the R!!

That too is not easy to achieve, and while getting a shag is, quite frankly, bloody easy, and getting a "boyfriend" (God I hate that word, sounds like school days!) is actually pretty easy too, finding someone that I want to be with and wants to be with me in equal measure is damn bloody difficult. Factor in the need for mental, emotional and physical stimulation as well as a damn good sex life, and it's no wonder it took me 17 years of relationships to meet that person!!!

And however great FBs, FWBs and casual sex may be, I know from experience that in terms of consistent emotional and sexual satisfaction, there is nothing like having fantastic sex with someone you love and who loves you too. And that can never be underestimated!

It may surprise some of you to know that despite my somewhat 'colourful' past, I am a great believer in my own fidelity. In fact, I'm not, by nature, a cheater. Never have been, doubt I ever will be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no complete innocent, I have cheated twice in my life that I can recall. (I'm still trying to work out if fucking MW the other week was cheating on CM?? Maybe. I can see an argument for it being. But to be honest, me and CM are so casual that I don't really believe that it was. Feel free to disagree!). Anyway, back to the point. It's not a massive moral issue, in fact I have encouraged plenty of infidelity in others, but in myself...? No.

The only two times I consider that I truly cheated were on the same boyfriend. A long term boyfriend, Army Boy, who I was seeing for about 9 months before he left the army and moved in with me for another 6months. I genuinely thought the world of him, and still do! He is a great bloke and we had a fantastic time the whole time we were together, but in the end we were just in different places and wanting different things. We called it a day mutually but sadly.

About 3 months into the relationship, with AB away at base for the 3rd weekend in a row, and me feeling like he wasn't that bothered about being with me, I went out for the night with "Smiler", a really really close mate of AB and an ex-boyfriend of mine (it was Smiler that introduced us!), that I was still really close too, and had previously developed a satisfactory (if sporadic) FWB relationship with. And that night he started to get a bit frisky, and I told him not to because I really liked AB, and then he really really piled on the pressure and the guilt trip about how I loved AB more than him now, blah blah blah. And being a sucker, and feeling guilty for rejecting him, and feeling unloved by AB, I shagged him. I didn't enjoy it at the time, I didn't feel good about it at the time, and I felt like fucking shit afterwards. Particularly when I then spoke to BB and he was all "Did you have a good weekend? How's Smiler. I'm missing you, I love you, and so on and so on". And despite the fact that I still believe that given the emotional situation there were some 'extenuating circumstances', I know if it had been the other way round I wouldn't have accepted that, and that in fact I was just guilty, guilty, guilty!!!

So, you think I'd learn my lesson. But a year later, still with AB, when our relationship was all but down the pan, I did it again. With another of his best friends!! This time, with "Jason". Now, Jason and I had been friends for years, and had always had this flirty flirty relationship where we just seemed to always be seeing someone else when the other was single. There was definite chemistry there, and much much later I realised that sub-consciously I'd thought for years that he would be the one person I would end up with. So, I was unhappy, I knew me and AB were about done, he had gone to spend the weekend with his family in London, which I hadn't wanted him to do that weekend, and I knew that ending things was the right thing for both of us at the time, it was still an awfully sad time. Jason had just split up with his long term girlfriend and we went out for the night, as we had done many times before. Went back to mine for a drink and one thing led to another... Unlike with Smiler, it was fantastic. It was like coming home in a way. Emotional, tense, needed, a long time in the waiting. But despite that, and despite the fact that AB and I called it a day later that week, I still cheated, and I still felt awful about it, really really awful.

The only saving grace I have from those two occasions is that AB never found out. In fact, to this day I don't think he knows. Neither Smiler or Jason would be likely to tell him of course!! And I'm so glad for that! Not because of the shit I would no doubt have taken for it, but because it wouldn't have been fair for him to have to deal with that. He didn't need to know. He didn't need to have that potential negative impact on his life and his future.

And that brings me on to the subject of confessing to infidelity. In my opinion, don't!!! It is bad enough to cheat. It is far, far worse to admit to it!! What good does it do anybody?? It is the most selfish thing you can do, I think. To offload all that guilt and pain onto somebody else, especially on to somebody else who is innocent in the whole situation, is just damn selfish!! And people who do, do no more than take their burden and pass it on to somebody else so they can feel better about someting that is their fault!! Just hand it over and pat themselves on the back for being "so honest". Bullshit!! Fuck honesty in that situation. You dealt it, then you deal with it!!

So, that's my experiences with being a cheater. And it doesn't sit well with me. And not only has it felt bad, but I just don't get it!! If you can cheat on somebody, then you aren't with the right person. And if you're not with the right person then get out of it!! I know people may think this is simplistic, and maybe as I get older I can see that sometimes there are other factors that make things more complicated, and maybe some relationships can survive infidelity (to a point!), but I guess the bottom line is that, for me, if I loved somebody I would never, never cheat. I would rather leave first!

When I was with DM, despite the fact that SG was hot, and I did fancy him, of course I did, I would never in a million years have dreamed of doing anything with him. Why would I want to? I had everything, and more, that I could ever have wanted in a partner, what could another man have possibly given me? Why would I even think about putting that all at risk? I wouldn't! It's as simple as that!!

So, yes, I do believe in fidelity, and it's important to me that whoever I end up with (if I ever do of course!!), believes in that too! That said, if other people want to cheat then they can go ahead, that's their choice to make, and I wouldn't condemn people for making that choice. Damn, I've benefited myself from it enough in the past!!! And although I can juggle any amount of potentials and casuals, when it comes to love and R's, I'll stick to just one man thank you!

Well enough of that for today, and back to lighter times...! Having achieved my first successful youtube link yesterday, am getting cocky and posting another one! Just loving this on my cd player right now!!

Oh my god oh my god oh my god

I have just been chatting to MW, the first of my 3 significant men, from a long time ago, see here http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/dm-part-1.html for further details.

Was on the phone to my mate and she mentioned he had a myspace account, so thought I would go check it out and say hi. I have tried to contact him on friendsreunited before to no avail and it all ended rather messily, with him practically accusing me of being a psychotic stalker (who me??), so I was kind of expecting him to ignore me.

He didnt!!! In fact we have spent the last two hours chatting on messenger, have exchanged phone numbers, texted several times and arranged to meet a week on Thursday!!!! Oh my fucking god!!!! I can't believe it. Seriously seriously can't believe it!! I have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I must be wearing eau de whore or something.

But I am so fucking happy and excited I can't tell you!!! Because I fucking adored this man. In a big big way. And now he's single, and seemingly sorted, and I'm seeing him!!!!

And oh my god, my life is fucking crazy and I fucking love it!!!!!!

DM part 1!

I still have tonsilitis, only now it's slightly worse :-( I bloody hate it!!! Went to the doctors this afternoon, because it has been painful (not so bad though) since Saturday morning, only to find they are shut for a training session??!!!! For fucks sake!!!! You can't tell me they can't have at least one doctor and nurse covering. Fuckers!! And now it's even worse and I know it will be a bad nights sleep for me again (and not because I am being seduced by a sexy stranger unfortunately!). Tonsilitis sucks!!!

So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.

At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...

Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?

Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).

When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!

My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!

Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.

Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!

So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.

Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.

MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!

PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.

So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!

I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....