Nocturnal naughtiness

God damn time of the month! I am so horny this evening!!

I have had several rather pleasant, though equally a tad strange, dreams - involving various (known and unknown) men the last few nights, which must have been the lead up to monthly horn - nothing specific or really raunchy, but pleasant enough that I've woken in the morning with a lingering of kisses in my mind and that desperation to shut my eyes and recapture the sleepy moment.

Tonight, the subtle might not cut it!

Down and up

Went to bed early last night with a splitting headache and 2 paracetamol. Unfortunately the paracetamol didn't work, and I woke feeling like the top of my head was in a vice at 5.30am. Just about managed to stagger downstairs and take some more paracetamol, and back to bed until 8am. Fortunately, headache had eased when I got up, but by the time I got to work at 9.30am, it was coming on again. The rest of the day was spent dosing up on the pain relief, and fortunately it seems to have cleared for good now.

My bad head was exacerbarated also by a really awful night of confused dreaming - it is all very complicated when I try and recall it now, but the upshot of it was that at 5.30am, when I woke, I had been dreaming that DM had just died, whilst with me.

I've done quite well with the DM thing the last couple of months - no contact from either of us since 9th September, lots of successful "not thinking about it, not thinking about it", and generally accepting it's done and trying to forget all about it. Last night really bothered me though. This evening I decided to hell with it and text him -
"I dreamt last night that you died. Stupidly I know need to know you're ok"
He replied, pretty quickly -
"You know, it's funny. Pierre has been visiting this week, as your text arrived, we were just talking about a dream he had last night and it's meaning. I'm fine."
Closely followed by -
"Pierre just said that, in France, if someone dreams about someone else dying, it extends their life by 7 years!"

I got what I needed from it; I feel relieved that he is okay and stupid that I doubted it - though he didn't comment on that at all. It upset me though. Just that contact made me teary, which is why I stopped having the contact in the first place. It just reminds me that I miss him.

On a brighter note, got home from work to a letter from school informing me that Y has been identified as a Gifted and Talented pupil! I am so proud I can't tell you!! This means he is in the top 10% of his year group, and also that he will get more challenging work and possibly more extra-curricular activities. He wasn't too pleased to hear that!

R & R

Well the day started pretty well - with me fucking long-term boyfriend Mika whilst holding a shiny, shiny, sharp, sharp knife to his throat!! Only to be woken a few seconds later by X telling me she felt sick. Oh real life is so much duller!

It was a bit of a random dream actually;
a) I don't fancy Mika a jot (he was a bit of a DM/Mika/SG mix actually)
b) I have never considered using a knife in sexual activity
c) It was fucking hot!!

The crux of it all was really about trust. About me saying, to someone who loves and trusts me, "Prove how much you trust me - let me do this" and them letting me, and also finding the fear arousing.

Weird, but pleasant weird.

X had "recovered" by 10am - I think it was the realisation that no school means no Brownies - so I took her in, called in sick myself, cancelled necessary appointments and am having 2 days of rest and relaxation at home. I feel like I need it at the moment.

Besides, who knows what daydreaming might bring...

Supermum

So the weekend is already over!

Yesterday was the usual Saturday routine in the morning, X's swimming lesson (no SPM to ogle this week!), followed by the weekly visit to the library, then into town to the sweetie kiosk so X can spend an hour (it feels like) deciding what £1 pocket money can be spent on, a walk back to the car via the chip shop for chips for the kids, and off home again. The afternoon was fabulously peaceful though as X went off to daddy's at 2pm and didn't return until nearly 8.30pm, so Y and I spent the afternoon playing his new game for the Wii (mostly him) and reading (mostly me), and tackling the cleaning (both of us) so the pig sty as was would miraculously transform into a house respectable enough for someone (Lily) to visit!

Lily arrived about 8.30pm, just before X, so it was a bit like a madhouse for a couple of hours; trying to obtain and then order an indian takeaway, whilst also avoiding Lily and Y flailing arms around in a manner likely to cause injury to any innocent telephone call making individual, during a particularly intense bout of Wii Tennis, and trying to calm an over-hyped and excitable X!

Fortunately things calmed down eventually and after indian takeaway had arrived and been munched and X had gone to bed (at 10pm!) we managed to get a good few hours of gossiping in until all of a sudden it was 1am! (Y had gone to bed at 11.30pm by the way, I'm not that bad a mother!). So, an hour of reading later and off to the land of nod.

Was woken this morning to the sound of darling children's voices (read: squabbling over who was playing what on the Wii), right in the middle of a lovely, lovely dream about Robbie Williams! Not rude before you think it, just lovely chatting and being excited to be chatting. I probably woke up before the rude bit came along. Damn children!!

Amazingly for me (considering it was only 10am and a Sunday) I decided after a few minutes of trying (and failing) to recreate the Robbie dream that I might as well get up, so pottered downstairs and let the day begin with boiled eggs and soldiers. Spent much of the rest of the day washing, drying and putting away (well mine, the kids do their own) mountains of laundry (it was perfect washday weather today) in between bouts of reading on the sofa, some flapjack making with X and Y this afternoon, and then a barbecue dinner, before tidying up, hoovering (again!), bathing and bed! And now peace reigns. Aaah!

Fucker!

About 8,30pm last night I had a text from DM:

I'm going to be staying in Paris an extra night so don't make any plans for me for Saturday night. Will call and explain as soon as I can.

UNFUCKINGBELIEVEABLE!! But rather than jump the gun and imagine it's because he actually can't be arsed to even make the effort to see me at all, and that it's not something that's happened, I replied:

Is everything ok? So I wont get to see you at all then?

No, will call soon.

Great!

Lily and Meg were due to arrive shortly to watch the start of BB, and despite some head shaking, I was relatively calm about it. I had been toying (very gently) with the idea of cancelling anyway, on the basis of "what's the point?". Anytime I have seen him/spoken with him/contacted him before it is pretty much always on the basis that I believe we have a chance at a future. My calmness was also helped by the fact that he was happy to be back in the country for a week before planning to see me, which had kind of made me realise that 'a future' wasn't going to happen. But despite considering cancelling, its the same old story of 'what if', so I'd decided to meet him on Saturday night as planned.

So BB was good, a pleasant distraction, and I really didn't dwell on the whole text/DM situation too much for the entire evening.

However...!

This morning I have woken from an entire night of dreams of screaming and crying. And I am filled with fucking rage. Shouting at the kids, shouting at the telly, shouting at the cat. Pure frustration I think. Rage and tears. Less rage now, more tears.

I spent all night dreaming that I was in America, that it was my last day, and that because I hadnt replied to his text he was ignoring me and in fact making plans to see someone else. I don't remember any more specifics other than an awful lot of me shouting at him, and him just not listening. Which I think just about sums it up. I feel like he never fucking hears me!! And that if I could just do this, or just do that, or whatever. And now I'm left with this image of him with someone new, someone better.

So I woke in this mood, feeling like I've spent the night shouting and screaming and crying, and then I got mad, thinking "I mean so fucking little he can't even manage to see me for one evening". All this time, all this energy and he cant spare one fucking evening!! I really do mean nothing to him. He really doesn't give a fucking shit.

And then, stupidly!!! I thought, 'perhaps he's in Paris longer for a job interview, perhaps he's making plans to come back to me permanently and keeping it a surprise." And for a split second it seemed possible. Until I realise how fucking pathetic it is to even have that thought. And it pisses me off that I could even consider that, even for a split second, when it's blatantly obvious that all these months when I've believed in him, and believed that if I could just make him see that I'm serious, that I'm committed, then he'll let those barriers down and let me in, when the reality is just that he doesn't give a shit. He just doesn't want it. He just doesn't want me.

And when is that going to stop hurting this bad?!!

Get it together woman!

Don't know what's the matter with me at the moment! My emotions are playing havoc with me and I think somebody (God, fate, Devil, whatever!!) is taking the piss!!

I can't quite shake the dream thing. I thought blogging it all would kind of shift it from my headspace but it doesn't appear to have done the trick. I was emotional while typing it yesterday, but obviously was at work so managed to hold it together!

Spent the rest of yesterday feeling pretty normal; busy at work and then doing outreach last night, and no stupid dreams during the night hours. Woke up this morning as usual, feeling fine (well as fine as I can be getting up in the morning!), got up, shouted at children, packed lunches, did the school run, stoppped and filled up with petrol, and then headed for work....

First song on the radio - 'Together in Electric Dreams'. What the fuck!!!!! You have got to be joking!! It just set me right off. And as if that wasn't bad enough, closely followed by... 'Against All Odds'. No fucking way!!!!! Well, that's it for me really. Tears, tears and more tears. And it's not even 9.30am!! Fortunately, the radio decided to stop tormenting me and followed up with "Gimme All Your Loving", and by the end of it I had managed to stop the twattiness of me and had pulled myself together! (I am heading for work after all!!!). But, naive that I am to think that it was over, the final song in this little section was 'Smooth Operator'; Sade, his favourite artist. Seriously, somebody is having a laugh at my expense!

Thank fuck I've arrived at work!

Only when I sleep

I dreamt about him last night. A beautiful, bittersweet dream that has left me feeling… well I don’t know how I’m feeling, and I don’t know why, so I'm getting it all down on here to let go of it and then get on with it.

I’m really having a good time at the moment: work is good, although in the wonders of NHS restructuring my job seems to have been forgotten! But although I’m stressed about that I’m equally quite confident that it can be rectified. X and Y are X and Y, but fine and not playing up too much. My social life is fairly quiet but that’s through choice, and I’m happy with that choice. Money is always an issue, but I’m in a better place financially than I have been for a long time. Emotionally, I’m moving on, putting things behind me, hardly even thinking of him at all, successfully beginning to erase all memories. I resolved that this year there would be no more of this. My subconscious seems to have missed that message…

It’s a dream I’ve had before, more than once. There are some slight variations, but its always the same location and always me, always him. I’m staying in a beautiful apartment that is located right in a department store. Literally, the lobby area leads directly into what could be John Lewis’s. The store sometimes changes, sometimes there are food halls, sometimes it is only fixtures and fittings, sometimes there is even a bar area. Sometimes there are people in it, sometimes it is empty, but it is always an apartment, and it is always in a large shop.

Last night, the kids were with me, and we were borrowing the apartment for some reason. A large opulent place with lots of rooms and gadgets, and long, long curtains separating half of the living area from the other. The kids wouldn’t settle, and were taking there time getting in bed and out again, although it was late, but finally quieted down. I struggled to pull the curtains to give myself some privacy in the front room, and then he arrived. I know I wasn’t expecting him. I know that even in the dream I knew we were apart, but I wasn’t surprised. So we talked a bit; what we had each been doing, some teetering around the subject of us, but never any discussion as to why he was here, just an acceptance that he was.

He asked to see the kids, despite knowing they were awake, and the impact that would have after the work I have done to remove him from their heads. It was important to him, really important, and I know I judged it as a sign that he was back. I can’t fully remember more details. Dreams retain a clarity that is all too fleeting before they slip into jagged memories and are usually lost forever. That’s why I need to record it now, while most of it remains. I know they were happy to see him, although X was quiet, very quiet, which is unheard of for her, and Y, the quiet one was chatty.

Then, with the wonder of dreams, it was just he and I, roaming around the store outside this flat. Messing with things, bouncing on beds, squirting shaving foam and generally acting like a couple of kids. And laughing, lots and lots of laughing. Suddenly back in the apartment, and kissing like we used to, fitting just like we used to, loving each other and then lying together and feeling happiness and contentment. And the dream was right. It felt perfectly right and perfectly wonderful.

But I guess real life intervenes, even in the best of subconscious thoughts, and slowly it began to dawn. I began to sense that he wasn’t back. That I wasn’t the future, just a stop-gap in whatever he was currently doing. There was almost a joviality about him, a checking of his phone, a disrespectful air, and an unspoken knowledge dawned that he had somebody else, at least one. And although he didn’t physically change, he slowly began to meld into somebody else, who looked just like him but who had never truly cared who I was, who had come back into my life, and back into the children’s and was almost certainly going to leave again.

And as usually happens whenever I have bad dreams, whenever I don’t want to face whatever it is, my brain woke me.

So, at 1am, I wake disorientated and confused; a mixture of happy, warm and glowing from remembering and feeling again, but sad, so sad that it didn’t stop there, and despite the painful ending, just for a little while, it makes me miss him once more.

Drunken texts - you gotta love them!

Especially when you're on the receiving end!!!!

As I mentioned, I had drunk text SG at about 5.30am Saturday morning, saying ... "Hello. bit birthday drunk but you really good bloke. and got some money for you. bye x". (I was quite relieved that it was just that, and that I had retained enough self control to not text 'Hello, you are one fit bloke and quite frankly I would like very much to be sucking your cock right now, to be closely followed by you fucking me senseless with it', which was in fact what I was thinking!) I hadn't heard anything from him and resisted the urge on Saturday to text him and apologise, thereby opening up another text conversation. But no! I was a very good girl, he has been quite cool just lately, and I think he and his wife are seriously struggling again, so I have just let lie.

Got to bed about 2am this morning (damn blogging induced insomnia!!), and had just drifted off into a very bizarre dream involving escaping guinea pigs, rabbits and hamsters (and X's dad and CM incidentally!!) when my phone bleeping woke me up! And who should it be but SG himself...

SG - I bet you £2.38 you're still up!
Me - Haha, you'd better get to the bank then! I've been in bed about 20mins, and was just starting a very weird dream. Quite glad you woke me from it actually. How's you?
SG - I'm good. What was your dream about? I dream't once that I killed a polar bear with corn flakes! I can't believe I am up later than you. Did you go out?
Me - not as weird as yours! It was bout having loads of pets that I didn't know about and not having fed them cos I didn't know they were there. They'd all just escaped! Not been out tonight, no sitter. So what you still doing up?
SG - Fell asleep this afternoon and can't sleep. Pets eh? Mmmm, what are you worrying about? Am I keeping you up? What are you wearing in bed??
Me - Insomnia is a wonderful thing eh? And I'm the only person you thought would still be up! Think it's cos I realised I hadn't fed the fish just before bed. Not worrying about anything. Are you SG? Just a boring silky chemise thing on me tonight I'm afraid
SG - Worry? Me. Try not to. Boring! I don't think so. I reckon you'd look hot. I bet it fits in all the right places. I need to cum and do your garden soon. Have you finished that book yet? What did you think?
Me - Glad you good. You know where I am if you're not. I mean that! Thanks for your belief in my hotness, even if it is wrong. Lol, wondered where that "need to cum... " was going for a minute! Finished book, was tres good. Might have to check out more of his stuff. Got one for you, not a saucy one though I'm afraid
SG - Cheers hun. Got plenty of fantasies if I need to cum. But you know about that. Have you? Look forward to book, I'm slowly reading 1984 at the moment. It's good. Glad you liked the book
Me - Don't worry, there's plenty of stuff in my head! Just need to find someone to do them with! Have to go sleep now, had a very late one last night. Sure I'll be having much more interesting dreams now though. Wonder who'll they'll be about...? ;-) x
SG - Goodnight hun. Sweet dreams
Me - You too. I'm off work Monday if you want to do garden and get money and books. Night pickle x

By which time it's 3.15am and time for the land of nod!

So, very random. As usual with him. And I'm sure a drunken text situation, hehehe. All good though :-)

Flirting

Had a long hard day at work yesterday, spending all afternoon in a drug clinic with clients. Loving it though. Didn't leave until nearly 7pm, and then picked up X from a friends and stayed for a chat, before doing a MacDonalds run for darling X who had had dinner already but was "starving". Poor little mite! Yeah right!!!

Ended up not getting home til about 8.30pm so had to text CM and tell him not to rush as the house looked like a bomb had hit it and I'd only just got in. And my bastard cat has been peeing in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact he has a litter tray. Bloody animal!!! So after putting X to bed, washing up, tidying and hoovering, I had to hunt high and low for a damp patch and then Febreze and air freshener the place thoroughly.

Anyway, enough with the humdrum, the important thing (lol) is that CM came over, we did the usual chat, tv, snuggle, non-sexual thing for ages and then finally managed to get it on!! Hoobloodyrah!! I got a shag! Yay! We still need to do some serious work on it unfortunately, but there was a little progress. I think he needs some confidence building and a few directions in finesse, and I need to get used to shagging someone so big (unfortunately NOT in that department before you think it!!!), but it has potential. And we get to practise again tonight!

But what is it about getting sex that makes you want more?!! Because today I am as horny as Little Miss Horny from Horny Street in Hornytown, Hornsville! Seriously! I went shopping this morning and was sure people could see a damp patch seeping through my combats! Even sitting here typing this I'm soaking wet and all throbby and just generally grrrr!!!

I woke up like this, after having a very bizarre and rather naughty dream about an old flirt (never touched unfortunately) friend of mine (now married), who shall henceforth be known as Diamond Geezer (DG) because basically he is an absolute diamond. The dream was about this blog of someone having an affair, which was quite explicit, and I had been reading it and realised it was DG. And then as dreams do that weird twisting thing I was suddenly the girl that he was having the affair with and we were getting all fruity and so on, until I had to wake up. Boo!!

I have to say this is not the first time I have had saucy dreams about DG, who I don't see/speak to anywhere near enough these days, but it is the first time I have dreamt about a blog! Damn addictive blogland!!

Anyway, so I woke all horny and wet, and with my brain still twisted by the state of my libido I did a naughty thing....

I texted DG!

'Hello DG. Just woke up from a really bizarre dream about you! So thought I'd say hi. Hope you all good x'

See, I'm a bad bad girl. And I need to be punished :-) I think I must need the drama in my life!

Now, I had kept it reasonably light, as firstly he is married and there is a possibility his wife could read it, but also because although we have been flirty, as I said, I don't really see him too much anymore, and nothing has ever happened between us in the past (he's another one like CM that I went out with one of his mates years and years ago and then shagged his other mate several times on and off about 6 yrs ago! - in fact we always joke I need to do DG to get the hat trick!), although we have raised it as a possibility at times, and I wish I had!

His answer, pretty quickly...

'Was it rude?'

Oooh, the horniness is not being helped by this!! What am I doing? I like it, but keep it light...

'Maybe a little :-)'

His response...

'Can you be a bit more specific. What sort of condition did you wake in..?'

Hmmm, some fishing I think. Like the flirting but not feeling in the mood to get into full blown text sex in the middle of Tesco's...

'You are a bad man! Let's just say I've got ants in my pants now!'

And then a long long pause before....

'Hope you are keeping well. Moving to "more local town" soon so should get to "hometown" a bit more. Also working back in "hometown" after a year in "not very local town".

What?? Where did that come from?? A most odd response. So I wrote it off as a mixed message situation, decided to stick with friendly and replied...

'I'm all good cheers. Let me know if you're about. Be cool to catch up. Take care x'

And then I get this...

'Take care and may all your dreams come true.'

I tell you, that kind of bizarre subtle flirting is enough to tip a horny girl right over the edge! Yum yum yum. Strange, granted! But yum yum nonetheless. It's like Sexy Gardener http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/sexy-gardener-and-random-texts.html#links , I just love those random flirtations :-)

So, X is off to her daddy's at 4.30pm, to stay overnight, Y is already at his for the weekend, so I only have 3 hours to kill until an empty house, when I'm going to be doing some serious playing with that wet, throbbing part of me whilst thinking of DG...

(If I can last that long!!!)