Missing Inaction - pt 1

I have needed some time away from Blogland. Time away from myself would have been preferable, but harder to achieve.

The wedding was good, really good. The weather was beautiful, the service lovely, and I looked fabulous!

It was really great to catch up with Mick, and despite the fact that he ended the evening absolutely plastered and asleep on someone's sofa (after I'd left for home), we had a great time rushing around to get ready and there on time, holding his hand as he faced his life long crush for the first time in years (my ex-bf BB!), and chattering, teasing and squabbling like an old married couple.

But despite it being so lovely, and me having a really good time, I just ended the night feeling... I don't know, bereft I suppose.

I left the after party at Smiler's at about 1.30am, and was glad Mick was staying as I just needed some time on my own to clear my head. I think it is the nature of weddings in general. All that emotion. This one was particularly nostalgic, lots of old faces connected to a really good period in my life, not to mention seeing BB for the first time in probably 5 years. It affected me more than I thought it would. I've missed him. Not as a boyfriend, not in any kind of physical way, but in the plain and simple way you miss people who were a good part of your life, and you forget that in the main until you see them again, and have to say goodbye to them again.

And more than missing BB, I missed DM. I always miss him. Every day. But I'm used to that now. It's been a long time since I've had that pure physical ache inside me for him. To have him here, to have him hold me, to hold him back. And it kind of crept up on me throughout the day, and the evening, and through the night until the physical desire to connect with him was so strong that I had to get out of there and just drive. Drive and smoke. Drive and smoke. Until I was too exhausted to do anything but collapse into bed and sleep.

Sunday was better. Mick finally roused himself from his sofa sleep and after collecting X we had a lovely lunch at a local pub/restaurant and hashed over the general wedding events before he headed back home.

But Sunday evening found me lonely, lost, disillusioned, looking for answers that never come, and with the wedding reading rolling round my head.

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13