One year on

It's been a year today since I started blogging.

It seems like such a long time ago, and yet it also seems like yesterday.

A whole year. Who knew.

Restless

Sleeping. Dreaming of your return, of happiness. Of you leaving, of sadness. Waking to the reality of the latter.

Stuffed

After a lazy morning after a terrible night of mixed up DM dreams, I finally dragged myself out of bed, fed the kids breakfast and then begrudgingly paid several bills I've been putting off for far too long. A quick lunch and then we all set out to local retail park for a fun filled afternoon of shopping for boring school shoes. The dreaded shoe shopping was relatively harmless, thank goodness, and X and Y were both happy with new football and basketball respectively. Not to mention the fact that I just had to get these gorgeous little things for X...

Unfortunately they didn't have them in my size, so instead I had to settle for these fabulous old things instead....

More money could have been spent but Y, sensible money boy that he is (not an OG gene for sure!) refused to let me buy a gorgeous green bag for a mere snip of £18, may have to sneak back for that tomorrow :-)

To end the day, this evening I have been out for a meal with a load of work colleagues for a leaving do for one of them, not from my team fortunately. About twenty of us went to a lovely Italian restaurant in work town, and a good time was had by all. The food was delicious, and very reasonable, and in fact I did really well as I had 3 courses - olives, pizza and chocolate cake, which came to £15. Even better we just divided the bill, so I only had to pay £13, including the tip!

BBQ King

Our new barbecue area - "built" with initiative!

gone now!

Food!! Pre-cooking of course!

Y (in typical "Mum, put the camera away" pose), the new Jamie Oliver!?

gone now!

Calm

Continues. With just the slightest moment of angst.

Dream Catch Me

From something old to something New(ton Faulkner). If you haven't checked out his music, then go and do so straight away - amazing voice, great lyrics, guitar talent abounds, and amongst his other songs, I am just loving this right now.

Weekends, weekends

Sorry for the delay in posting. I met the man of my dreams on Friday night and have only just staggered out of bed after a 2 day marathon sex session!




Actually, that may of course be a complete lie, but nice to dream eh?!

Friday night was good, despite the lack of above result, although town was so, so quiet it was ridiculous. Ava and I had a really good catch up though, not to mention much giggling at the freakazoids that seem to inhabit our town, and positive hysterics at the fact that I must have been wearing a sign on my forehead that said "freakazoids apply here". Seriously, the amount of (completely unwanted) male attention was ridiculous. I wouldn't mind if it had been "cute in the community" rather than "care in the community", but alas my little town is seriously lacking in attractive men. Amusement nonetheless though!

Yesterday was spent in the usual Saturday way... ogling at SPM whilst smiling encouragingly at X demonstrating breast stroke legs to the rest of her swimming class, bless her, followed by trip into town, back in time for the new non-sexy gardener, then off to Sainsbury's to spend too much on scrummy, yummy weekend food. Cheese and crackers this weekend!

I worked a late floater session last night, from 10pm-1am, which was absolutely dead, so ended up having a really late lie in this morning before off for Sunday "floating fun" down the local pool. The weather has been glorious again, so we decided to buy a couple of disposable barbecues and a few burgers and sausages, drag the kitchen table and the deckchairs out onto the newly cut back garden, and enjoy the sun while Y had his first try and barbecue cooking (and did a pretty good job of it actually). Rounded the day off with Madagascar on DVD, and bed for the kids, and here I am.

It may not sound like a fabulously exciting weekend (erm... it wasn't!), but sometimes a weekend of catching up with mates, spending time with the kids and enjoying the sunshine is just fine by me. Though if, of course, the original option had stood...

Stars for the week ahead

You don't have to hurry. For a while, at least, the pressure is off. You have passed a milestone. You have reached a resting place. Your situation may be far from ideal, but it is safe and stable enough. You can draw breath. There is no crisis to manage. Unless, of course, you want to create one. That's always your prerogative. Resist that urge, though, and you'll find that this week, life brings you something sweet. A comforting experience. A reassuring sensation. A hopeful discovery. A taste of contentment. Don't reject light relief because you feel a situation is too serious. Soon you will see why you do not have as far to go as you fear.

Off out

Off to paint the local town red tonight with Ava. Well, probably not red, but hot pink at least!

Payrise

Just had a payrise of £902 per year. Woohoo!!!

Porn

Occasionally, I watch a bit of porn. No big deal. In this day and age, a lot of people do.

I am, however, a bit particular about the type of porn I watch, due largely to the industry I'm now in, and stay very well clear of anything asian, anything that looks exploitative, and anything that looks like the woman isn't really having a good time. I may be kidding myself, but I like to watch something that looks like both parties are having a good time.

As such, amateur porn is probably my number one choice. It may not be full of beautiful, taut, golden skinned bodies, or full of the slick moves and threesome/foursome/any and every hole's a goal of a professional porn clip, but usually it's much more true to life, much closer to the ordinary sex life, and most importantly, much more likely to be a true consensual act.

However, after doing some perusing tonight I came across a couple of amateur clips, which while sharing massive similarities - home shot by themselves, mid-twenty yr olds, pretty obvious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, aware of the camera a little, similar sex acts, etc - also were just so different in the way the whole experience appeared to be!

During one I was thinking "If I ever end up in a relationship where that is our sex life then shoot me now" because there was absolutely zero chemistry, a complete lack of enjoyment almost, some very cumbersome positioning, not to mention a complete lack of fluidity to the whole thing. During the other, I was thinking "that could pretty much be me" - give or take a lb or two, a distinctly quieter sound, the obvious chop and change of position for camera, oh and better looking men of course.

So, after that philosphical trip through online porn this evening, I leave you to decide which is which. Enjoy...

(PS. please don't click on these if you are under 18, easily offended, in front of children/parents, or at work!)

Clip A

Clip B

Concern

My tits seem to be getting smaller!!! Unfortunately the rest of me does not appear to be following suit!

On the bright side though, went for my asthma review at doctor's today, and I'm only 1kg heavier than I was in March 2006 (a relatively skinny time I remember).

So, how come I felt skinny then and feel like a heifer at the moment?

The answer, obviously, is that it's just magically moved itself from boobs to hips/thighs/stomach/arms/chin. Amazing how far 2.2lbs and a bit of boob can spread!

Return

I have returned! Refreshed, revitalised, renewed. Well, maybe not quite but not bad! I have to say it was touch and go for a while as to whether I would continue with blogging, but for now I'm continuing, with the writing at least. Comments may still be lacking for a while.

A fair bit has happened in the last week and a bit, and I will backpost soon, but for now, know I am back on form.

Update

11.51pm

Hi ya. I got your message. I don't think calling would be a good idea. I was in Paris, London and Cambridge last week. I felt close enough to be able to reach out and touch you. The tequila wasn't helping either! I'm ok, "no worries, Sheila"

12am

Ok. I'll write it off as you being pissed then? you always feel that close to me. no matter how far you go. I'd give pretty much anything for you to reach out.

1am

You're a bloody muppet to throw this away you know. Bloody hurry up, go do what you need to do, and come home before I die of old age!

1.15am

Muppet. (pic attached) Don't forget this face. You'll be seeing it again someday!

Come

...home.

An admission

I couldn't sleep last night. Nothing new there. So, instead was in my bed reading The Forsyte Saga, which I've had for weeks and not really managed to get my teeth into. For some reason I had taken my mobile up with me, which I rarely do, so was still awake when it beeped at me at 2.43am.

DM - I love you. I miss you and I want to come home to you. You make me feel the way no other can. There, I've said it. But I can't make it happen. I have to keep moving on. I can't allow myself to look back no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I want what's back there. It's time...

I have to say it took me by surprise, though not. I've always believed that he loves me, though that belief has been sorely tried over time.

I replied - You can't move on forever honey. No matter how much you try. I want you to come home to me. It's where you ought to be x

A short while later, with no response from him (although bizarrely a missed call from a number I don't recognise showing on my phone though I didnt hear it), I text again - You and I will always be right together. Don't waste another year fighting that. I still miss you every single day!

I've heard nothing more since then. And stupid though it is, for some reason I'm worried. I don't know what he meant by "It's time...", and although it seems he left long ago there is such a part of me shouting out 'don't leave me, don't leave me'.

A while ago a rang him. It rang but went to ansamachine so I left it, before ringing again, getting the ansamachine again and then leaving a very short message to say I wanted to know he's alright.

I don't know what this means. I don't know if it means anything. But I know that last night I went to sleep wishing he was here, and this morning I felt his absence.

Hope

A tiny bit goes a long, long way.

Longing

To have you here. To have you near. To have you.

Missing Inaction - pt2

The following week brought little respite from my mood. Not sadness, or anger, or even loss; just a sense of flatness over the hours. And for once, Blogland was not a place I wanted to be.

I don't know quite what had changed, or when, but I seemed to have developed into a prissy middle-aged critic all of a sudden. I've never been prudish, I've never been easily offended, I've always hedged towards the darker side of life, and of sexuality, but lately everywhere I look I see sadness, and infidelity, and deception and people settling for random sex when they want (and deserve) so much more. And I'm tired of it all. Tired of the pain and the wasting of too little time. Tired of the darker side of life.

I want to read of love. Of happy ever afters. Of people who reach and achieve. Of people who live a life based on positive emotions and positive choices. Of lives that don't parallel my continuing trudge just to stand still. Of lives I am increasingly afraid I will never achieve. So, I stepped back, and stepped away. Trying to get back to the place I used to be, to the person I used to be. I've even been bored of myself this week.

And as the week lifted my mood has done the same. Slowly but surely. Until yesterday I thought fuck it! Time to ignore, ignore, ignore. No more dwelling!! Life goes on. Blah de blah de blah. Just a few more days to get back on track.

Missing Inaction - pt 1

I have needed some time away from Blogland. Time away from myself would have been preferable, but harder to achieve.

The wedding was good, really good. The weather was beautiful, the service lovely, and I looked fabulous!

It was really great to catch up with Mick, and despite the fact that he ended the evening absolutely plastered and asleep on someone's sofa (after I'd left for home), we had a great time rushing around to get ready and there on time, holding his hand as he faced his life long crush for the first time in years (my ex-bf BB!), and chattering, teasing and squabbling like an old married couple.

But despite it being so lovely, and me having a really good time, I just ended the night feeling... I don't know, bereft I suppose.

I left the after party at Smiler's at about 1.30am, and was glad Mick was staying as I just needed some time on my own to clear my head. I think it is the nature of weddings in general. All that emotion. This one was particularly nostalgic, lots of old faces connected to a really good period in my life, not to mention seeing BB for the first time in probably 5 years. It affected me more than I thought it would. I've missed him. Not as a boyfriend, not in any kind of physical way, but in the plain and simple way you miss people who were a good part of your life, and you forget that in the main until you see them again, and have to say goodbye to them again.

And more than missing BB, I missed DM. I always miss him. Every day. But I'm used to that now. It's been a long time since I've had that pure physical ache inside me for him. To have him here, to have him hold me, to hold him back. And it kind of crept up on me throughout the day, and the evening, and through the night until the physical desire to connect with him was so strong that I had to get out of there and just drive. Drive and smoke. Drive and smoke. Until I was too exhausted to do anything but collapse into bed and sleep.

Sunday was better. Mick finally roused himself from his sofa sleep and after collecting X we had a lovely lunch at a local pub/restaurant and hashed over the general wedding events before he headed back home.

But Sunday evening found me lonely, lost, disillusioned, looking for answers that never come, and with the wedding reading rolling round my head.

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

1 Corinthians 13

Stars for the week ahead

Some people actually enjoy depriving themselves of life's little luxuries. It gives them a perverse kind of pleasure. It makes them feel wonderfully self-righteous to say, 'Oh, no thank you, I never allow myself to do that.' Or it may help them to feel humble and undeserving. 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly...' Psychologists love to question the motives of such individuals. We need not concern ourselves with that. We merely need to establish one thing. You are not such a contrary character. There is, therefore, no reason why you shouldn't allow yourself to accept the gift life has on offer this week. Real excitement lies in store.

Bored

Of you in my head.

Superman

Well, supermarket man actually, but Superman seems more appropriate.

Something and nothing.

I was in Sainsbury's this evening with X, getting a few bits for tea, and there was this really lovely looking bloke in there. He seemed a bit familiar, (though he also reminded me of SG a bit so that may be it), and I couldn't help but keep looking at him as I queued at the basket checkout and he loaded at the next trolley checkout. He had two kids with him, both boys, possibly about 14/15 and 8/9, and I don't know if it was my imagination but we kept catching each other's eye. There was just something about him.

Anyway, I paid and I left. I wish I'd given him my number.

Half

Of me hates the thought of you with someone else. The other half thinks 'Go ahead, because the sooner you figure out that nobody is better for you than me, the sooner you will be back'.

All

My emotions are linked to you. Everything else is just flat.

Connect

Such a longing to contact. To reconnect. To reassure.

Instead, I drive and smoke, drive and smoke, drive and smoke. Beat the desire into submission and exhaust myself physically and emotionally.

Time out

To reconsider. To refocus. To regroup.

Stars for the week ahead

The high streets are full of shopping malls offering a cornucopia of goods and services to discerning shoppers. But where is the nearest branch of Miracles R Us? Even Yellow Pages won't tell you. Yet it is not as if miracles are in short supply. They happen all the time. We are surrounded by them. Indeed, our very existence is miraculous. After all, the odds are stacked against any planet in the universe being capable of supporting life. Yet not only have we made it on to the blue spinning ball, we have made it here as people, not flora and fauna. Some miracles are almost too obvious. Maybe that's why they can seem to be so hard to find. But despite all this you are about to find and benefit from a big one.

Wishing

A life away.

Thank Crunchie...!

Have had a hectic couple of days working - despite the fact I was on annual leave yesterday! Instead I spent most of the day working from home, and then had to go into work for the last hour and a half of the day! Today was the bi-monthly strategy meeting that I chair (and dread!) but it was actually quite productive and the hard work over the last week has paid off.

I'm glad the weekend is here though, especially as I'm not back at work until Wednesday next week, which is a nice break. I'll also get a bit of kid free time this weekend as I'm off to a wedding tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to, especially as mate Mick is coming with me, all the way from Manchester, and I haven't seen him for 2 years. There will also be a couple of people at the wedding that I've not seen for ages, including ex-boyfriend BB, so will be nice to catch up with them. Hopefully the weather will stay gorgeous for the bride and groom (and guests), and a good day will be had by all.

Just need to clean the house and decide what to wear now...!

Brain ache

Have spent a lovely day at the marvellous Thinktank science museum today. But now my head hurts. Too much learning I think!

Gone

But not forgotten.

Letting go

The reply came Monday morning -

I dont know OG. I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted to talk to you. It causes more heartache than it should, it's not such a good idea.

It upset me, but realistically I didn't expect it to say anything else. I didn't expect anything to have changed. And however much I think of him every day, I can't keep going round and round this eternal communication circle, and I don't want any more heartache for either of us. So instead of ignoring it, I took some time and finally replied -

You're right. It does. I wish it didn't and all was cool and easy. I wish you loved me enough or I loved you less. But pointless wishes. It is what it is I guess. Keep your friends reunited up to date and take care of yourself x

It's sad, but that really is the crux of it, and what I've been saying for a long time now.

However, this morning I wake to another text -

You can keep up to date at www......... and find user DM, or facebook.com and my full name. All you need to know. Take care. DM xxx

So, it seems as if we've both accepted an ending. With non-contact contact I guess. I won't be checking those sites though, I don't want to be wondering about which of his online friends are developing into real life friends or more, and I don't want to know the details of his daily life - if I could cope with that then I'd be going down the friends route. It's too much information for me, and won't help me move on and leave all this behind me. It's enough for me to know where he is, how he's doing generally, and that I can get in touch if I need to at some point in the future. I'd like to think that day will come, but for now... time to let go and move on.

Lesson

Until tonight I haven't actively contacted DM at all since the end of May, before he cancelled on me whilst he was home. Over 2 months. A record for me.

In that time he has proactively contacted me 3 times: a couple of weeks afterwards by text, a few weeks after that by email, and last weekend by text. I ignored the first, responded to the second with a long email explaining that we have no future as friends only, and replied to the third initially ready to listen to what he has to say, and then annoyed that I should agree to speak to him only for him to be too busy (in my head going out on some hot date!!!) by the time I did.

This weekend, I half expected him to contact me again. He hasn't. I should know that predictability has never been a component in this post-relationship relationship.

So fool that I am I texted him to ask "So what did you want to talk to me about?". An hour later now and no response. So, for the second Sunday night in a row I am unable to sleep due to the sick feeling I have from trying (and failing) not to imagine him meeting with, laughing with, planning with (and worse!) some girl that isn't me!

I guess I'll learn one of these days!

Confusion

Y told me earlier that his dad and new partner are expecting a baby. A new half brother or sister for him.

I never wanted this, and thought it was probably unlikely to happen. I wish it hadn't. I don't want Y to have more family that isn't a part of mine.

Road test

Road tested the new toy this morning, very satisfactorily! (Details elsewhere!)

The rest of the day was spent lazing around before a trip to Sainsbury's, lunch, more lazing around and then an evening stroll in a local country park.

Think I may now have to give that new toy another try...!

Vibe arrives

Woke up horny this morning, so was glad my new vibe had arrived a couple of days before and could be roadtested!

My mastubatory fantasies tend to take one of two basic forms. There are several variations, but generally I am either laying back, spread wide being completely submissive, or I am on top dominating the action. This morning's was the latter, and as usual with most of my mastubatory shenanigans, involved a real life experience, in this case SG. I was imagining the scene last week, though this time as a follow on from that, so similar but with some subtle twists...

He knocks the door. I have been expecting him, and am fresh and fragrant in a beautiful, black, sheer chemise and g-string. I open the door, and as he enters I push the door shut with one hand and him against the wall with the other. I kiss him deeply, long and hard, leaving no time for polite conversation or chit chat. After a few minutes I edge him towards the living room, and back until he is sitting on the sofa with me straddling his lap. More kissing, still no speaking, until I can feel him hard beneath me and my pussy responding by grinding up and down against the swell of is jeans. I stand. Look down at him. "Take them off. Take it all off". He stands and strips, while I stand before him watching.

Once he is naked I resume my position, slowly moving myself, more gently now but wetter and warmer, up and down his hard cock. My hands on his head, in his hair, holding his head still and moving away ever so slightly. Feeling him push towards me and teasing him with my lips, sometimes only lightly brushing him, other times leaning in deep and hard. All the time, grinding slowly onto him.

When I feel he cannot take the kissing any longer I slide down in front of him. Take his cock in my hand and begin to move up and down, slowly and gently, and then with more and more pressure, but all the time keeping him at a level and only allowing the pleasure to increase as I wish. I move my mouth down. Let it hover there for just a few seconds. Let him feel my warm breath over him, and his body tensing in anticipation. I take a long, slow lick from the base of his cock right to the very tip and swirl my tongue ever so gently around the head of it. Tasting. Teasing. I repeat this a few times before I encircle the whole head with my mouth, not quite touching, but close enough for him to be aware of how close I am to enveloping his length entirely in my mouth.

And when he (and I) can take the wait no longer, I slowly close my mouth around him and slide my lips back up the entire length of him, before dropping down again. I can feel him pulse in my mouth, hear the groan that comes from the core of him, and my own desire increase at the same time. Down and up, down and up, warmer, wetter, faster, firmer. I keep up a steady rhythm until I can feel he is almost ready to come, and then I withdraw. Go back to licking the length, sliding my tongue around the head, replacing my mouth with my hand, loosely. I feel him come down a little, his breathing becomes deeper again, the tension begins to lessen. And then I start again, as before, enveloping his beautiful, warm, pulsing hard cock in my mouth, and softly sliding down and up, down and up. This time, when he tenses and I feel that pulse in the hand which is clasping the base of him, I let him enjoy it. Let him tip over the edge until he is cumming in my mouth, and groaning, and arching, hands in my hair.

I ride the wave with him, not stopping the motion until he is spent, and then gently moving slower and gentler away from him when I am sure he has finished, before removing my mouth and continuing to stroke his now soft cock with my hand. I stand, and remove the g-string. I sit back across his lap, my now wet pussy resting firmly on his soft cock nestling between my lips, and kiss him gently and deeply. Letting him taste himself in me.

A few minutes later and my body is impatient. His recovering. I replace my mouth with my breasts, holding them for him to suck, encouraging him to suckle each in turn, whilst my now bare pussy is teased by the presence of his cock so tantalising close beneath me, in just the right position to stimulate my clit between my damp lips. He sucks and licks with glee, replacing my hands with his own and revelling in the softness of them. I feel him grow hard again, and eventually I can wait no more.

I raise my hips enough to allow him to slip into me, and slide down the full length of him with a gasp. With my hands on the back of the sofa for leverage, and his hands and mouth full of my breasts, I concentrate only on moving up and down on him as I wish, pushing my pelvis forward so my clit is stimulated by his pelvis as I move. "I'm going to fuck you" I whisper in his ear. The words slipping out. "I'm going to fuck you and I'm going to cum all over you". His mouth at my breasts sucks harder and I hear him groan in his throat with pleasure while his pelvis pushes up towards me. I begin to fuck him in earnest now. A regular rhythm. Slow and deep but increasing in speed as I near an orgasm. The words trip from my tongue. "Fuck that's good... your cock is so fucking hot... keep sucking me and let me cum all over you". Both our breathing becomes more ragged, and our tongues clash as I pull his head off my breasts and kiss him hard and deep. I begin to feel the pressure build inside me, and then I am pushing down on him, hard, feeling the tension build and build before the final release that leaves me gasping, and my cutn pulsating around him. The aftershocks continuing for several minutes, stimulated by him suddenly thrusting up into me and whispering "Fuck, I'm cumming!"

I slowly come round. New vibe in hand, pussy soaking and smile on my face. Definitely a good way to start the day!!

Stars for the week/month ahead

Don't argue, you'll get caught up in a debate that you cannot win. That isn't to say that you won't be right. You probably will be. But as you may have noticed, this world is not always fair. Or, at least, not in the short-term. It can be a place where people with poor judgement and bad attitude seemingly fare better than those with taste and integrity. So what's that? A reason to lower your own standards? A reason to resign yourself to disappointment? No. Just a reason to be patient. Things are not always as they seem, nor do they finally turn out as we expect. In August, new twists and turns in an old tale will change your view of a key situation.

Actually Friday

Well, after a Wednesday that felt like a fabulous Friday, the actual Friday has arrived and instead of being the energising start to the weekend, in fact I am bloody shattered!!

This may, in part, be due to the two anonymous phone calls I got on my landline at 1.40am and 1.42am respectively!! I hadn't actually been in bed long, but was at the nice 'just drifting off' phase, when the phone started ringing., in the kids bedroom, where it lives most of the time! So, I had to shoot out of bed in the dark like a mad thing before it woke them up, only to find nobody at the end of the line, and only for it to do exactly the same again two minutes later. It was then shoved unceremoniously under two pillows, just in case. Number withheld, of course. Bloody annoying!

A good day at work though. The BBC (yes, the actual BBC!!) are filming a documentary related to a particular angle of the vice industry, so were at work today speaking to one of our clients. Unfortunately (or fortunately) they did not want to speak to me on camera, but they have expressed an interest in doing an extended half hour programme ready for the Ipswich murder trial next May. So, you never know - fame may be mine at last!! Mwah ha ha!

Waiting

And annoyed with myself for going back to this place.

Spending spree

Another day off work today, but no exciting adventures at the seaside or Warwick Castle for us today. (Incidentally, if you ever visit Warwick Castle definitely stay for the Trebuchat show, it is amazing!!)

Instead, a lie in, a long bath and shopping! With the fruits of these labours as follows...
1 black linen skirt £3
1 white linen skirt £3
1 green broderie anglaise dress/top £3
1 pair black linen trousers £8

Followed by...
1 hot pink strappy dress £10
1 dark green floral dress/top £10
1 cross over patterned dress £10
1 white t-shirt £4

All of which comes on top of an earlier trip in the week resulting in...
1 white strappy dress £10
1 white broderie anglaise dress/top £10
1 pinafore style dress/top £7
1 stripy pink/navy tshirt £8

Damn those sales!!!

(And I'll still have nothing to wear when I get up tomorrow morning!!)

Looking for answers

Ever since DM and I parted company - well, officially parted company! I have struggled and struggled to find the answers for why. I know that love and logic don't necessarily combine, but even so, trying to find an answer is natural to me, and part of what has kept me so entwined in this is not understanding where it all went wrong.

I have discussed it with friends, with strangers, and with him and even now it is difficult to get an answer. He eventually gave some to me a long time ago, but when I last saw him he told me he'd said things to try and call it a day, and to try and make me call it a day, so those answers are still elusive. I understand how he felt, and I understand why he went because of that (and some personal emotional baggaged), but I don't understand why he felt that way in the first place.

So, after contact last weekend this struggle to understand has popped out of the box it was firmly wedged in, and again I have found myself trying to find a bigger (and better) reason, or something I can put this experience into context of. As part of this, I found the following, something from the stars!

MUTABLE (me) with FIXED (DM)
Your trouble is, you can't resist a challenge. Your partner CAN. All too easily. Your partner loves nothing more than to resist every challenge that ever crops up.

Nobody, but nobody, challenges your loved one and gets away with it. Apart, of course, from you. Some might describe the ensuing conflict as 'dynamic tension'. That's probably what you think it is. There's something quite thrilling about teasing, seducing or pushing someone past the point where they usually say 'enough is enough'.

When the object of the exercise is sensual pleasure, that's perfect. It probably explains why your poor, long suffering loved one keeps coming back for more. Yet when the same principle is applied to daily life, it makes every conversation a struggle; a tussle for power or a wrestling match for control.

As I say, you can't resist a challenge. It amuses you to keep exploring new options. Yet your partner prefers familiarity. Routine. consistency. Yawn.

How can someone be so lovely and yet so unadventurous? This is by no means a hopeless relationship. But it needs more than hope if it is to thrive.

FIRE (me) with EARTH (DM)
This is not an easy relationship but it is, potentially, an immensely rewarding one.

It offers much needed fuel to the fire sign person. It brings much needed energy to the earth sign person's life. The trouble is, it also brings resistance, on both sides. The earth sign partner wants to resist being totally consumed. Fire breaks get dug. Fire pits get built. The earthy one tries to ensure that fiery one will only do as bidden.

The fire sign person though, wants to break all those rules. Fire does not appreciate being contained. A power struggle ensues. It is one that neither can ever win. And so, you might think, the relationship has little, other than a struggle, to offer. But fire loves a challenge. There is nothing that it will not try to envelop. Earth too, thrives on change and transformation.

When earth is heated up as far as possible, it becomes a bubbling mass of energy. It comes to life. It erupts, spectacularly. That kind of passion, in an earth sign person, can ONLY be created by the heat of fire. That's why the physical attraction is so strong. Every self respecting fire wants to make the maximum impact possible on its environment.

And every still, strong, silent mountain secretly wants to become a volcano.

It surprisingly makes a lot of sense and is quite an accurate portrayal of both me and him - the negatives, and maybe a glimpse into what keeps us still in communication (of sorts).

Another perspective.

It feels like Friday!

No idea why. It just does!!