And so it continues...

This morning I came down from the usual fighting of children out of bed and into clothes, to a text on my phone. I was expecting it to be a fellow mother asking for a lift to school, but to my surprise it wasn't. It was from DM.

We were talking about you saturday night. They were asking why I didn't marry you too! That's funny don't you think?

Pretty random, but after my heartbeat had slowed down, and I had considered it on the way to school and work, I was reasonably calm about it and not feeling too much of anything one way or another. So I replied with what had been my initial reaction on reading it:

What did you tell them? It's because you're a twat :-)

Text sent and I went about my business. Not really expecting a reply, and certainly not for a while due to the time difference. Felt pretty okay with things at this point. I had kept it pretty light, and it kind of felt a bit like we used to banter, which is one of the things I miss the most. In fact, I was congratulating myself on how unaffected I was, and how I wasn't overanalysing things but was fairly naturally just keeping it the kind of contact I would have with any number of people I know. I didn't react as I would have done a month or so ago, by trying to drag something meaningful out of it, but just accepted what it said, no more no less. And I was genuinely okay with that.

Although I still believe he's the only man I've ever loved, I'm no longer hankering for something that isn't going to happen, I'm no longer spending emotional time and energy trying to fix it, and I've also given up trying to find some deep reason for everything he says to me, because I know he's not coming back. So on the whole I'm pretty much okay with the situation now. But today, more than that, I was even thinking how the emotional meltdown a few weeks ago must have done me some good, and that perhaps knowing he's not coming back for 5 years means I can finally also let go of all the heavy shit that there now seems to be between us, that is so far removed from how we were as a couple that I don't even know how it got to be like this! (Call that over confident mistake number one!!)

Earlier than expected, mid afternoon, a reply came through:

Obviously, I told them it's because I was a twat. (All good so far, I'm happy with this. He hasn't taken offence and is acknowledging the banter!) They are trying to set me up with their friends and were asking what it takes to make it work for me. Not so good. Really really not so good.

A lot of replies went through my head, but in the end I held off from the natural caustic responses such as "well your ex wife for a start" or "well certainly not me!" or "like you even know!", and instead went with mildly sarcastic, but also true:

Yeah, well I wish I knew!

Obviously I was in the middle of work, so couldn't dwell on it too much, so I did what any non-self-respecting-female-fuck-up does, I pushed that sick, empty, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that was getting bigger by the hour down as far as it could go, ignored the whispering in my head, and got on with dealing with work. And then I got the kids from school, took them to pizza hut and stuffed as much food down into that hole as I could.



Now though, after sitting down to write this post the sick, empty, sinking feeling is still there. And this post has been difficult to put into some kind of sense. Really really difficult. It's already had about a dozen edits, because I'm not sure how I feel emotionally, how I should feel, or even if I should feel anything at all. And I'm not sure what he expects to get from me. My blessing? I've tried to do that, and I genuinely do wish him well, but I can't share that part of his life.

I've considered the fact that one day we may move on from the mire of heavy crap we seem to have got bogged down in, and perhaps we could pick up some of the old good stuff. The banter that I mentioned. The jokes. The occasional sharing of stupid insignificant events. I'm sure he would be happy to do that. To dip in and out of my life occasionally like so many other ex boyfriends that I am glad to continue to catch up with. I even entertained the idea this morning! (Call that over confident mistake number two!!)

And in a way I'm glad he text, and glad to know that complete strangers to me have picked up what he can so easily overlook, it gives my feelings some validation. But it also makes me sad. Sad that I don't get to share those times with him, sad that he still can't see what other people seem to, sad that it bothers me what he says abot me to people I don't even know, and sad that one day it will all be too late.

One thing I do know though, is that it still makes me feel sick. Actually, physically sick to the stomach to think of him laughing about new girlfriends, planning new relationships, being with another woman, loving someone in the future that isn't me. I wish it didn't, but right now it does.

It will pass, of course it will, but that feeling is why we won't ever be just friends, much as I wish we could.