The beat goes on...

I had a wank last night.

Not such a big deal you may say, but my libido has been out of the window just lately, and I tried (and failed) to wank a couple of nights ago, so to manage successfully last night (albeit with the aid of porn!), feels like quite an achievement.

However, orgasm over, it brought with it such an emotional longing for DM that I realised that however much I wish it had, in fact, none of how I feel about him has gone away; I'm just not letting myself feel much of anything anymore. Anything particularly emotional is now avoided, and even the run of the mill emotions are just that: run of the mill! Having always been an emotional high octane dramarama kind of girl, I'm beginning to get used to the dulling of the senses. Though it's not good for my sex drive I'm sure.

It's been a month since our last contact. Since I told him not to contact me again. A month exactly. That is until I reneged on all of that last night...

Middle of the night texts were sent, and replied to.

I wanted to text him and I did. No excuse other than that. No regrets that I did (other than in hearing cyber space sighing in impatience at me!). I slept fitfully, with mixed up dreams of reconciliations and endings, and woke with him still in my head this morning.

The bottom line is, I don't want a boyfriend. I want him. I want every moment of my life, good and bad to be shared with him. And I want him to know that. And if he doesn't want me I can live with that, I have done for months, it's hard and painful but that's the way life is sometimes. You just get on with it eventually.

But what I can't bear the thought of, is that he doesn't know that I loved him so. That I do still love him. I just want him to believe that. Truly truly believe that.

I just don't know what I have to do to prove it!?