Thursday, March 29, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
And so it continues...
This morning I came down from the usual fighting of children out of bed and into clothes, to a text on my phone. I was expecting it to be a fellow mother asking for a lift to school, but to my surprise it wasn't. It was from DM.
We were talking about you saturday night. They were asking why I didn't marry you too! That's funny don't you think?
Pretty random, but after my heartbeat had slowed down, and I had considered it on the way to school and work, I was reasonably calm about it and not feeling too much of anything one way or another. So I replied with what had been my initial reaction on reading it:
What did you tell them? It's because you're a twat :-)
Text sent and I went about my business. Not really expecting a reply, and certainly not for a while due to the time difference. Felt pretty okay with things at this point. I had kept it pretty light, and it kind of felt a bit like we used to banter, which is one of the things I miss the most. In fact, I was congratulating myself on how unaffected I was, and how I wasn't overanalysing things but was fairly naturally just keeping it the kind of contact I would have with any number of people I know. I didn't react as I would have done a month or so ago, by trying to drag something meaningful out of it, but just accepted what it said, no more no less. And I was genuinely okay with that.
Although I still believe he's the only man I've ever loved, I'm no longer hankering for something that isn't going to happen, I'm no longer spending emotional time and energy trying to fix it, and I've also given up trying to find some deep reason for everything he says to me, because I know he's not coming back. So on the whole I'm pretty much okay with the situation now. But today, more than that, I was even thinking how the emotional meltdown a few weeks ago must have done me some good, and that perhaps knowing he's not coming back for 5 years means I can finally also let go of all the heavy shit that there now seems to be between us, that is so far removed from how we were as a couple that I don't even know how it got to be like this! (Call that over confident mistake number one!!)
Earlier than expected, mid afternoon, a reply came through:
Obviously, I told them it's because I was a twat. (All good so far, I'm happy with this. He hasn't taken offence and is acknowledging the banter!) They are trying to set me up with their friends and were asking what it takes to make it work for me. Not so good. Really really not so good.
A lot of replies went through my head, but in the end I held off from the natural caustic responses such as "well your ex wife for a start" or "well certainly not me!" or "like you even know!", and instead went with mildly sarcastic, but also true:
Yeah, well I wish I knew!
Obviously I was in the middle of work, so couldn't dwell on it too much, so I did what any non-self-respecting-female-fuck-up does, I pushed that sick, empty, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that was getting bigger by the hour down as far as it could go, ignored the whispering in my head, and got on with dealing with work. And then I got the kids from school, took them to pizza hut and stuffed as much food down into that hole as I could.
Now though, after sitting down to write this post the sick, empty, sinking feeling is still there. And this post has been difficult to put into some kind of sense. Really really difficult. It's already had about a dozen edits, because I'm not sure how I feel emotionally, how I should feel, or even if I should feel anything at all. And I'm not sure what he expects to get from me. My blessing? I've tried to do that, and I genuinely do wish him well, but I can't share that part of his life.
I've considered the fact that one day we may move on from the mire of heavy crap we seem to have got bogged down in, and perhaps we could pick up some of the old good stuff. The banter that I mentioned. The jokes. The occasional sharing of stupid insignificant events. I'm sure he would be happy to do that. To dip in and out of my life occasionally like so many other ex boyfriends that I am glad to continue to catch up with. I even entertained the idea this morning! (Call that over confident mistake number two!!)
And in a way I'm glad he text, and glad to know that complete strangers to me have picked up what he can so easily overlook, it gives my feelings some validation. But it also makes me sad. Sad that I don't get to share those times with him, sad that he still can't see what other people seem to, sad that it bothers me what he says abot me to people I don't even know, and sad that one day it will all be too late.
One thing I do know though, is that it still makes me feel sick. Actually, physically sick to the stomach to think of him laughing about new girlfriends, planning new relationships, being with another woman, loving someone in the future that isn't me. I wish it didn't, but right now it does.
It will pass, of course it will, but that feeling is why we won't ever be just friends, much as I wish we could.
We were talking about you saturday night. They were asking why I didn't marry you too! That's funny don't you think?
Pretty random, but after my heartbeat had slowed down, and I had considered it on the way to school and work, I was reasonably calm about it and not feeling too much of anything one way or another. So I replied with what had been my initial reaction on reading it:
What did you tell them? It's because you're a twat :-)
Text sent and I went about my business. Not really expecting a reply, and certainly not for a while due to the time difference. Felt pretty okay with things at this point. I had kept it pretty light, and it kind of felt a bit like we used to banter, which is one of the things I miss the most. In fact, I was congratulating myself on how unaffected I was, and how I wasn't overanalysing things but was fairly naturally just keeping it the kind of contact I would have with any number of people I know. I didn't react as I would have done a month or so ago, by trying to drag something meaningful out of it, but just accepted what it said, no more no less. And I was genuinely okay with that.
Although I still believe he's the only man I've ever loved, I'm no longer hankering for something that isn't going to happen, I'm no longer spending emotional time and energy trying to fix it, and I've also given up trying to find some deep reason for everything he says to me, because I know he's not coming back. So on the whole I'm pretty much okay with the situation now. But today, more than that, I was even thinking how the emotional meltdown a few weeks ago must have done me some good, and that perhaps knowing he's not coming back for 5 years means I can finally also let go of all the heavy shit that there now seems to be between us, that is so far removed from how we were as a couple that I don't even know how it got to be like this! (Call that over confident mistake number one!!)
Earlier than expected, mid afternoon, a reply came through:
Obviously, I told them it's because I was a twat. (All good so far, I'm happy with this. He hasn't taken offence and is acknowledging the banter!) They are trying to set me up with their friends and were asking what it takes to make it work for me. Not so good. Really really not so good.
A lot of replies went through my head, but in the end I held off from the natural caustic responses such as "well your ex wife for a start" or "well certainly not me!" or "like you even know!", and instead went with mildly sarcastic, but also true:
Yeah, well I wish I knew!
Obviously I was in the middle of work, so couldn't dwell on it too much, so I did what any non-self-respecting-female-fuck-up does, I pushed that sick, empty, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that was getting bigger by the hour down as far as it could go, ignored the whispering in my head, and got on with dealing with work. And then I got the kids from school, took them to pizza hut and stuffed as much food down into that hole as I could.
Now though, after sitting down to write this post the sick, empty, sinking feeling is still there. And this post has been difficult to put into some kind of sense. Really really difficult. It's already had about a dozen edits, because I'm not sure how I feel emotionally, how I should feel, or even if I should feel anything at all. And I'm not sure what he expects to get from me. My blessing? I've tried to do that, and I genuinely do wish him well, but I can't share that part of his life.
I've considered the fact that one day we may move on from the mire of heavy crap we seem to have got bogged down in, and perhaps we could pick up some of the old good stuff. The banter that I mentioned. The jokes. The occasional sharing of stupid insignificant events. I'm sure he would be happy to do that. To dip in and out of my life occasionally like so many other ex boyfriends that I am glad to continue to catch up with. I even entertained the idea this morning! (Call that over confident mistake number two!!)
And in a way I'm glad he text, and glad to know that complete strangers to me have picked up what he can so easily overlook, it gives my feelings some validation. But it also makes me sad. Sad that I don't get to share those times with him, sad that he still can't see what other people seem to, sad that it bothers me what he says abot me to people I don't even know, and sad that one day it will all be too late.
One thing I do know though, is that it still makes me feel sick. Actually, physically sick to the stomach to think of him laughing about new girlfriends, planning new relationships, being with another woman, loving someone in the future that isn't me. I wish it didn't, but right now it does.
It will pass, of course it will, but that feeling is why we won't ever be just friends, much as I wish we could.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Raaar!!!
Went to work this morning stressed to fuckity fuck! Seriously, seriously stressed!! It is the end of the financial year, and I am trying to write budgets, which include purchasing services for drugs work and young peoples work, and nobody can make a final decision about what the fuck we want. It is truly a nightmare!! On top of that, one of our service providers is playing stupid with a member of my team (employed by them), and trying to make it look as if it is anybody's fault but theirs, and I'm having to deal with her on the phone distraught all the time. Counselling is not in my job description!!
So, this morning, I have all of this going on, (plus a mountain of work including an annual report and a 2 year strategy to write in the next two weeks, not to mention an open day and a steering group meeting, amongst other things), and have also got a meeting with our new Director to see if myself and my line managed staff member have jobs or not. I tell you, I was shitting myself that I was going to have to tell her she was out of a job - more than I was worried about being told I was out of a job! I actually woke up this morning from several bad (and slightly weird) dreams about it.
Anyway, yay for the new Director, who has told me that not only are both our jobs safe, but we are also slotting in, so don't even have to reinterview for them! Yay, yay, yay!!
Now just the normal shit left to get on with...!
So, this morning, I have all of this going on, (plus a mountain of work including an annual report and a 2 year strategy to write in the next two weeks, not to mention an open day and a steering group meeting, amongst other things), and have also got a meeting with our new Director to see if myself and my line managed staff member have jobs or not. I tell you, I was shitting myself that I was going to have to tell her she was out of a job - more than I was worried about being told I was out of a job! I actually woke up this morning from several bad (and slightly weird) dreams about it.
Anyway, yay for the new Director, who has told me that not only are both our jobs safe, but we are also slotting in, so don't even have to reinterview for them! Yay, yay, yay!!
Now just the normal shit left to get on with...!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
You learn something new every day...
1. A certain size and shape of wine glass, when run under a stream of water at just the right velocity, combined with a tap to glass angle of a particular degree can cause an arc of water right back over itself resulting in beautiful fountain type effect. And a very wet window!!
2. Fish finger sandwiches rock! (actually I already knew this but have just been reminded!)
3. It is extremely difficult to retain an appropriate level of facial interest in a fifteen minute penny down sleeve and returning "magic trick" performed by a 6yr old!
4. Curly fries really are better than plain old chips! (as with fish fingers, that may not be entirely new knowledge!!)
5. The aforementioned socks have magically transformed me into Widow Twankee for the day! (oh yes they have!!)
2. Fish finger sandwiches rock! (actually I already knew this but have just been reminded!)
3. It is extremely difficult to retain an appropriate level of facial interest in a fifteen minute penny down sleeve and returning "magic trick" performed by a 6yr old!
4. Curly fries really are better than plain old chips! (as with fish fingers, that may not be entirely new knowledge!!)
5. The aforementioned socks have magically transformed me into Widow Twankee for the day! (oh yes they have!!)
How did that happen?
Just realised I haven't posted since Wednesday, and all of a sudden it's Saturday already!! Did I blink and miss something? Like the last four days!! Then again, I'm sure I went to sleep one day at the lovely young age of 20 and woke up 34!!! I wonder if it will happen the other way round one day?
Still not much to tell. Work has been absolutely manic the last few weeks, ridiculously so on Thursday and Friday (I'm expected to be a team manager, a multi-agency partnership co-ordinator, a commissioner and a service provider), so much as I love it I am glad for a weekend of doing nothing (except cleaning, cooking, washing, mothering, etc of course!!).
Was gutted this morning to get out of bed a couple of minutes early to slap some war paint on, only to discover that SPM wasn't at the pool this week, it was the wife instead! What a waste of 5 minutes I could have had in bed!!
So that's about it from me. I'm intending to spend the rest of the day eating pic n mix in the coolest black and white striped knee length socks :-)
Whilst berating myself for heifer like status of body, of course!!
Still not much to tell. Work has been absolutely manic the last few weeks, ridiculously so on Thursday and Friday (I'm expected to be a team manager, a multi-agency partnership co-ordinator, a commissioner and a service provider), so much as I love it I am glad for a weekend of doing nothing (except cleaning, cooking, washing, mothering, etc of course!!).
Was gutted this morning to get out of bed a couple of minutes early to slap some war paint on, only to discover that SPM wasn't at the pool this week, it was the wife instead! What a waste of 5 minutes I could have had in bed!!
So that's about it from me. I'm intending to spend the rest of the day eating pic n mix in the coolest black and white striped knee length socks :-)
Whilst berating myself for heifer like status of body, of course!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Bloggers block
My brain has dried up at the moment, and it feels like I have nothing even remotely interesting to blog about!
Working like a mad thing just lately. I don't know quite what's happened the last couple of weeks but it just seems to have gone mental. It keeps me busy, but it does mean that by the evening I just have a wander round Blogland and then head for bed without blogging myself!
Sent my passport off yesterday. Woohoo!! And have also ordered some new clothes for my holidays, including a couple of fancy shmancy (ish) dresses. Just because I can!! That said, I am trying to sort my finances, and have spent the last couple of days rearranging bank accounts and trying to organise money so that my instant-gratification urges are quelled as much as possible. Especially considering the up and coming reduction of £350 month disposable income, plus the desire to hit the house market in November!!
Other than that, not much to say really, I feel perfectly happy in myself, not down at all but equally not running around with an ecstatic grin on my face. I guess I'm just ticking along with the everyday business of life, whilst waiting for the inevitable times when I'll be wishing my life was this calm again!!
Working like a mad thing just lately. I don't know quite what's happened the last couple of weeks but it just seems to have gone mental. It keeps me busy, but it does mean that by the evening I just have a wander round Blogland and then head for bed without blogging myself!
Sent my passport off yesterday. Woohoo!! And have also ordered some new clothes for my holidays, including a couple of fancy shmancy (ish) dresses. Just because I can!! That said, I am trying to sort my finances, and have spent the last couple of days rearranging bank accounts and trying to organise money so that my instant-gratification urges are quelled as much as possible. Especially considering the up and coming reduction of £350 month disposable income, plus the desire to hit the house market in November!!
Other than that, not much to say really, I feel perfectly happy in myself, not down at all but equally not running around with an ecstatic grin on my face. I guess I'm just ticking along with the everyday business of life, whilst waiting for the inevitable times when I'll be wishing my life was this calm again!!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Wedding bells
No, not mine!!
Despite my bad shoulder, which, after an entire evening of heat application had eased off when I woke up yesterday morning, only to annoyingly return with a vengeance at around 11am, I managed to get out last night to my mate Smiler's engagement party. Didn't get there until around 9pm because I was running late (and because double dosing on medication does your stomach no good at all!!), and so it was pretty busy by the time I arrived.
It was a good night, (although the shoulder which with the aid of multiple drug use was by 9pm the best it had been for the last two nights, still held me back (read saved!) from some embarrassing dance moves), and whilst nothing super exciting occurred, I managed to catch up with quite a few people I haven't seen for a while, including friend Disco who is just back from her travels in India. Hurrah!!
I also got another wedding invite for the beginning of August, which is very cool, as I love weddings (unless they're my 14yrs younger sister's a short while after breaking up with the love of my life of course!!) and I haven't been to one for ages. I'm annoyed I didn't take my camera with me, because for once there was loads of people I know in the one place and I would have liked to update my photo collection, but I'm sure there will be some kicking around somewhere.
In the main though, apart from having a good laugh with people who have been a part of my life for longer than I care to think about, it was lovely to see Smiler and Mrs-Smiler-To-Be having a good time, and I wish them well. Actually, I wish her bloody good luck, because despite loving Smiler to bits, having known him for 17years, I certainly wouldn't marry him! I just hope he manages to keep Little Smiler in his trousers!!
Despite my bad shoulder, which, after an entire evening of heat application had eased off when I woke up yesterday morning, only to annoyingly return with a vengeance at around 11am, I managed to get out last night to my mate Smiler's engagement party. Didn't get there until around 9pm because I was running late (and because double dosing on medication does your stomach no good at all!!), and so it was pretty busy by the time I arrived.
It was a good night, (although the shoulder which with the aid of multiple drug use was by 9pm the best it had been for the last two nights, still held me back (read saved!) from some embarrassing dance moves), and whilst nothing super exciting occurred, I managed to catch up with quite a few people I haven't seen for a while, including friend Disco who is just back from her travels in India. Hurrah!!
I also got another wedding invite for the beginning of August, which is very cool, as I love weddings (unless they're my 14yrs younger sister's a short while after breaking up with the love of my life of course!!) and I haven't been to one for ages. I'm annoyed I didn't take my camera with me, because for once there was loads of people I know in the one place and I would have liked to update my photo collection, but I'm sure there will be some kicking around somewhere.
In the main though, apart from having a good laugh with people who have been a part of my life for longer than I care to think about, it was lovely to see Smiler and Mrs-Smiler-To-Be having a good time, and I wish them well. Actually, I wish her bloody good luck, because despite loving Smiler to bits, having known him for 17years, I certainly wouldn't marry him! I just hope he manages to keep Little Smiler in his trousers!!
Friday, March 16, 2007
Charity begins at home
In line with Comic Relief today, I have been thinking about how easy it really is to raise vast amounts of money. If everyone takes part.
Do you know that if everybody in the United Kingdom donated just 1 pound to Comic Relief, they could raise £60,609,153*.
Just 1 pound each....
*based on July 2006 population statistics
Do you know that if everybody in the United Kingdom donated just 1 pound to Comic Relief, they could raise £60,609,153*.
Just 1 pound each....
*based on July 2006 population statistics
Ow!
My shoulder hurts :-(
Really really badly hurts :-(
In an attempt to ease the pain that kicked in like a knife in my shoulder blade around 7am this morning, I had a 20 minute soak in a boiling hot bath at 8am, a sunbed at 9.30am, 2 ibuprofen at 10am, 2 more at 12.30pm, 2 paracetamol at 2.30pm, a 40minute massage at 4pm, 2 ibuprofen at 5pm, 2 paracetamol at 8pm, and a hot water bottle attached to it for the last hour.
And it still fucking hurts!!
Really really badly hurts :-(
In an attempt to ease the pain that kicked in like a knife in my shoulder blade around 7am this morning, I had a 20 minute soak in a boiling hot bath at 8am, a sunbed at 9.30am, 2 ibuprofen at 10am, 2 more at 12.30pm, 2 paracetamol at 2.30pm, a 40minute massage at 4pm, 2 ibuprofen at 5pm, 2 paracetamol at 8pm, and a hot water bottle attached to it for the last hour.
And it still fucking hurts!!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Maybe
One of the things Vi and I talked about, (among many others!!) was of course DM. And one of the things I realised is that it's so hard to sum up over a year and a half of relationship, break up, vague reconciliation, departure and then continuing contact in a small enough amount of time to stop innocent listeners eyes glazing over with boredom. It's difficult to remember all the ups and downs, and it's difficult to explain or justify both my own behaviour, and also his.
So Sunday I decided to go back to the beginning and get it all together in one place, to get it all in order for prosperity and safekeeping. I was planning to sit down, make myself comfortable, go back to the beginning (which unfortunately didn't cover the first year of the events in real time), and try to reread it all in chronological order and with an objective mind. To view it as somebody not involved would view it, and to see how both our actions are reflected here. In the end I ordered it but I didn't read it. I think I need a bit of distance to be able to give it all justice, and when I feel I want to then it will all be there.
On top of this, and maybe due to this, as well as other events, in the early hours of Monday morning I pretty much lost the plot.
On Saturday teatime, I read the email from DM telling me he wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 years,and despite successfully pushing it away Saturday night and Sunday, a conversation on Sunday night with DB brought the whole thing to an emotional head.
I have been emailing DB since he got back in contact with me in January. Very inane chatty emails, regularly but not constantly, and it's been nice to catch up with him, disregarding the pointless content of our contact. By the end of last week the emails had gotten more frequent and slightly more flirty and on Sunday night we began chatting on MSN for the first time in almost 3 years. The conversation started as drivel, progressed briefly on to sexual content and then wove it's way into some pretty deep emotional stuff, especially about him, his past and his current life.
I am grateful for his depth of sharing, which I know is difficult for him, and although some of the experiences of his life I already knew, if vaguely, some of the events in more recent years I had no idea about.
As we talked, I began to realise that the similarities between him and DM are remarkable; same type of childhood, same type of career path, same kind of previous relationship history, same kind of marriage and children difficulties, and the same kind of issues. So similar that he even offered to email DM about some stuff, which I'm sure would not have been appreciated! It was strangely comforting, yet also disconcerting to discuss things with someone so close in nature to DM, without knowing him at all, and who also knows me from a time when I couldn't even have imagined the last year or so. I guess it was helpful to unload, when I wasn't expecting it. Although I also wasn't expecting it to affect me quite so much, and in short I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.
Having dwelled for a few days, I think what affected me so strongly was that now, due to different ways of dealing with fairly recent things, their lives have followed very different paths, and this disparity amongst all the similarity made me sad, really really sad. Sad for opportunites lost in the past and opportunities lost in the future and sad that loving someone isn't always enough to make things right for them.
I love DM, I know I do and I want him to believe I do, but I don't think there is anything else I can do to prove it, at least not without him being willing to take some steps towards me. I know I've called it a day in the past, as has he, and I also know that we both still seem to have some kind of connection. But perhaps I'm just misled in feeling that, perhaps to him I really am just another girl from the past that he can happily walk away from. I don't know.
Maybe one day he will sit down, make himself comfortable and go back to the beginning. Maybe one day he'll come back. Maybe one day I'll move on to someone and something new. Maybe one day the only memories I'll have of this time will be those I've recorded. In the meantime, whatever maybe's may be out there waiting, I guess I'll just get on with my life and try in the main not to think too much about it.
So Sunday I decided to go back to the beginning and get it all together in one place, to get it all in order for prosperity and safekeeping. I was planning to sit down, make myself comfortable, go back to the beginning (which unfortunately didn't cover the first year of the events in real time), and try to reread it all in chronological order and with an objective mind. To view it as somebody not involved would view it, and to see how both our actions are reflected here. In the end I ordered it but I didn't read it. I think I need a bit of distance to be able to give it all justice, and when I feel I want to then it will all be there.
On top of this, and maybe due to this, as well as other events, in the early hours of Monday morning I pretty much lost the plot.
On Saturday teatime, I read the email from DM telling me he wouldn't be coming home for at least 5 years,and despite successfully pushing it away Saturday night and Sunday, a conversation on Sunday night with DB brought the whole thing to an emotional head.
I have been emailing DB since he got back in contact with me in January. Very inane chatty emails, regularly but not constantly, and it's been nice to catch up with him, disregarding the pointless content of our contact. By the end of last week the emails had gotten more frequent and slightly more flirty and on Sunday night we began chatting on MSN for the first time in almost 3 years. The conversation started as drivel, progressed briefly on to sexual content and then wove it's way into some pretty deep emotional stuff, especially about him, his past and his current life.
I am grateful for his depth of sharing, which I know is difficult for him, and although some of the experiences of his life I already knew, if vaguely, some of the events in more recent years I had no idea about.
As we talked, I began to realise that the similarities between him and DM are remarkable; same type of childhood, same type of career path, same kind of previous relationship history, same kind of marriage and children difficulties, and the same kind of issues. So similar that he even offered to email DM about some stuff, which I'm sure would not have been appreciated! It was strangely comforting, yet also disconcerting to discuss things with someone so close in nature to DM, without knowing him at all, and who also knows me from a time when I couldn't even have imagined the last year or so. I guess it was helpful to unload, when I wasn't expecting it. Although I also wasn't expecting it to affect me quite so much, and in short I had a bit of an emotional meltdown.
Having dwelled for a few days, I think what affected me so strongly was that now, due to different ways of dealing with fairly recent things, their lives have followed very different paths, and this disparity amongst all the similarity made me sad, really really sad. Sad for opportunites lost in the past and opportunities lost in the future and sad that loving someone isn't always enough to make things right for them.
I love DM, I know I do and I want him to believe I do, but I don't think there is anything else I can do to prove it, at least not without him being willing to take some steps towards me. I know I've called it a day in the past, as has he, and I also know that we both still seem to have some kind of connection. But perhaps I'm just misled in feeling that, perhaps to him I really am just another girl from the past that he can happily walk away from. I don't know.
Maybe one day he will sit down, make himself comfortable and go back to the beginning. Maybe one day he'll come back. Maybe one day I'll move on to someone and something new. Maybe one day the only memories I'll have of this time will be those I've recorded. In the meantime, whatever maybe's may be out there waiting, I guess I'll just get on with my life and try in the main not to think too much about it.
Real mums...don't get paid
Despite working 24hr days, 365 days a year, including a minimum requirement to be on call even if not at work.
Despite being subjected to all manner of bodily fluids, on all manner of our body parts, in all manner of ways.
Despite being expected to have encyclopeadic knowledge of anything and everything, from Teletubbies to Tonsilitis.
Despite seemingly never ending levels of washing, cooking, cleaning, chivvying, reading, playing, taxi-ing, cajoling, comforting, shouting, peacekeeping, encouraging and homework.
Despite the replacement of allocated name with the job title of Mum, to be shouted, screamed, cried and repeated until real name becomes a dim and distant memory.
Despite the requirement to fill the already overflowing house with an assortment of plastic objects of varying levels of tackiness, ugliness and complete lack of usefulness.
Despite the remoulding of internal and external body features without the benefits of a skilled and knowledgeable plastic surgeon.
It really must be love!
Thank you Vi for this tag, over to Wild Cat now...
Despite being subjected to all manner of bodily fluids, on all manner of our body parts, in all manner of ways.
Despite being expected to have encyclopeadic knowledge of anything and everything, from Teletubbies to Tonsilitis.
Despite seemingly never ending levels of washing, cooking, cleaning, chivvying, reading, playing, taxi-ing, cajoling, comforting, shouting, peacekeeping, encouraging and homework.
Despite the replacement of allocated name with the job title of Mum, to be shouted, screamed, cried and repeated until real name becomes a dim and distant memory.
Despite the requirement to fill the already overflowing house with an assortment of plastic objects of varying levels of tackiness, ugliness and complete lack of usefulness.
Despite the remoulding of internal and external body features without the benefits of a skilled and knowledgeable plastic surgeon.
It really must be love!
Thank you Vi for this tag, over to Wild Cat now...
Monday, March 12, 2007
Blah de blah de blah
So Saturday night saw me driving to the legendary Blah, home of the irrepressible Vi! It had been a bit touch and go a few hours earlier as I'd had an email I didn't want to read that both surprised and devestated me in one quick swoop. However, much tears, cigarettes, and driving later, I figured I would deal with it later and decided to head to Blah...
Met Vi at the CU, where she kindly popped out and collected me, thereby saving me from being snarled at by the "locals" (please insert Little Britain styley voiceover!), and the threat of being heckled from the pub! We sat and chatted for a bit, bearing in mind this was pretty much the first time we had spoken to each other, and I was struck by just how much this girl laughs! I don't think she even realises she does it, but she's really such a happy, easygoing person, and its the thing I really noticed about her. She's also friendly, down to earth, and very considerate. I think she was on her "best behaviour" a little, because I wasn't drinking (not that it would have bothered me), so I don't think I saw the 0-60 that Middy had the pleasure of, but even without it, I'm sure she's got more than a little mad in her when she gets going :-) All in all Vi was positively lovely, and I'm sure you will all agree when you finally get to catch up with her!
So, back to Blah... First up were Jasmine and Wolf, who I recognised from their photos, followed swiftly by Egg, and Tony (who didnt ring any bells). It was most bizarre to be introduced to people and then be constantly trying to figure out who they were and what they'd been up to, and in a way I'm glad that I kind of gave that up and relied on Vi to sneakily whisper the relevant bits in my ear!
Moved on from the CU and did the tour of Blah (all 4 pubs!), and I have no idea what order they were in or what they're real life or blogland names now are!! Was introduced to Barbie and a drunken but loyal mate in one (where me and Vi also did some quick ogling of unknown men - unfortunately married ones!), a very over friendly (towards Vi) bloke in another, and finally got a glimpse of the infamous AC in the final haunt.
Back to the CU we went, and gravitated to the "centre of the universe" (so I'm told!) table in the back bar. More were out by now - PYT, PYT's brother (who was actually a bit of a honey), Magoo, George, a girl with beautiful hair, another bloke who at one point was a little too interested in me but was fortunately distracted by the local bike (Vi's words!!!), as well as the original Egg and Tony.
The mystery of Kings commenced - and let me tell you folks, it has to be seen (or experienced) to be believed! It was hysterical to watch!! They are all a really good bunch, and all very funny in their own way (Egg, Magoo, Tony and George especially), and much laughing and bantering was occurring, which was great! But then add in the fucking hilarity of Kings and much alcohol, and it was too too funny!!
Finally got thrown out of the CU (I don't remember what time) and headed back to Vi's for a bit of a chinwag and a general putting to right of the world, before I saw her eyes glazing over with the boredom of my voice and thought I'd better let the poor woman get some sleep! I decided to come home so I could laze in bed all day on Sunday and she had plenty of time to get ready for the hot Pete date, and I left about 3am, with much chuckling under my belt!!
So, thank you Vi - I am sure I shall return to Blah in the pretty near future. You have to survive the challenge of a night out in *hometown* yet though...!
Met Vi at the CU, where she kindly popped out and collected me, thereby saving me from being snarled at by the "locals" (please insert Little Britain styley voiceover!), and the threat of being heckled from the pub! We sat and chatted for a bit, bearing in mind this was pretty much the first time we had spoken to each other, and I was struck by just how much this girl laughs! I don't think she even realises she does it, but she's really such a happy, easygoing person, and its the thing I really noticed about her. She's also friendly, down to earth, and very considerate. I think she was on her "best behaviour" a little, because I wasn't drinking (not that it would have bothered me), so I don't think I saw the 0-60 that Middy had the pleasure of, but even without it, I'm sure she's got more than a little mad in her when she gets going :-) All in all Vi was positively lovely, and I'm sure you will all agree when you finally get to catch up with her!
So, back to Blah... First up were Jasmine and Wolf, who I recognised from their photos, followed swiftly by Egg, and Tony (who didnt ring any bells). It was most bizarre to be introduced to people and then be constantly trying to figure out who they were and what they'd been up to, and in a way I'm glad that I kind of gave that up and relied on Vi to sneakily whisper the relevant bits in my ear!
Moved on from the CU and did the tour of Blah (all 4 pubs!), and I have no idea what order they were in or what they're real life or blogland names now are!! Was introduced to Barbie and a drunken but loyal mate in one (where me and Vi also did some quick ogling of unknown men - unfortunately married ones!), a very over friendly (towards Vi) bloke in another, and finally got a glimpse of the infamous AC in the final haunt.
Back to the CU we went, and gravitated to the "centre of the universe" (so I'm told!) table in the back bar. More were out by now - PYT, PYT's brother (who was actually a bit of a honey), Magoo, George, a girl with beautiful hair, another bloke who at one point was a little too interested in me but was fortunately distracted by the local bike (Vi's words!!!), as well as the original Egg and Tony.
The mystery of Kings commenced - and let me tell you folks, it has to be seen (or experienced) to be believed! It was hysterical to watch!! They are all a really good bunch, and all very funny in their own way (Egg, Magoo, Tony and George especially), and much laughing and bantering was occurring, which was great! But then add in the fucking hilarity of Kings and much alcohol, and it was too too funny!!
Finally got thrown out of the CU (I don't remember what time) and headed back to Vi's for a bit of a chinwag and a general putting to right of the world, before I saw her eyes glazing over with the boredom of my voice and thought I'd better let the poor woman get some sleep! I decided to come home so I could laze in bed all day on Sunday and she had plenty of time to get ready for the hot Pete date, and I left about 3am, with much chuckling under my belt!!
So, thank you Vi - I am sure I shall return to Blah in the pretty near future. You have to survive the challenge of a night out in *hometown* yet though...!
Sunday, March 11, 2007
An ex file
I was talking to my friend Molly yesterday about MC (http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/search/label/MC ), my ex-boyfriend from a few years ago (the alcoholic). I hadn't seen her for ages and we were just generally catching up, and she just asked if I'd seen him or been in contact lately and how he was doing etc. (She was married to an alcoholic before her current marriage, and he died in January at just 35yrs old so that was the precursor to the conversation). I haven't seen him or been in touch with him for probably well over a year now, which I told her, and that I didn't really see the point in us keeping in touch as we'd tried to make a go of it a second time around and having a relationship just proved to be too much of a strain on his alcoholic recovery, and there was too much water (and Tennants Super) under the bridge for it to translate into a friendship.
After we broke up I spent months paranoid I'd get a call to say he was dead, but now though I do occasionally wonder how he's doing, and if I see his mate out I always ask after him, that's as far as it goes. Until yesterday I hadn't thought about him for ages.
This afternoon I got a text from an unknown number -
Hiya, wot u up 2 nowadays? hows the kids? give em my love x
Hello. They're good thanks. Who's this?
M. got difrent number now, just sortin me contact details out. wot u up 2 then? x
Ah. which M though (the same name as CM and M!!) ? I'm all good. Busy working etc. and have just booked to go to Vegas in May. Yay. How bout you?
Piss head M ur nitemare ex boyfriend! no1 just incase u ad anover nitemare boyfriend caled M since! why u off 2 vegas u gettin maried? x
Blimey, haven't heard from you for ages. Lol, I've had 2 Ms since you. Not as much of a nightmare though :-) Not getting married, don't know why everyone always asks that? Just a holiday. Going to see ATM and hubby. How's everything with you then?
I'm cool, things tickin over ok. getin by, as u do! wot u doin now, u workin in "nearby town" still? how's X an Y? bet Ys a typical kevin the teenager now ent he? and i reckon Xs calmed down and not 2 bad now she bit older... u happy then? x
Working in "local town" now for NHS. Never worked in "nearby town"? Am loving it. X is a bit calmer now, still X though! Y not too much a kevin yet, just every now and then! Happy? Yeah, I guess, pretty much. Glad your doing ok, your a good bloke.
U just sent the same mesage as last time! email or im me, M@.com
Random! Very, very random!!
After we broke up I spent months paranoid I'd get a call to say he was dead, but now though I do occasionally wonder how he's doing, and if I see his mate out I always ask after him, that's as far as it goes. Until yesterday I hadn't thought about him for ages.
This afternoon I got a text from an unknown number -
Hiya, wot u up 2 nowadays? hows the kids? give em my love x
Hello. They're good thanks. Who's this?
M. got difrent number now, just sortin me contact details out. wot u up 2 then? x
Ah. which M though (the same name as CM and M!!) ? I'm all good. Busy working etc. and have just booked to go to Vegas in May. Yay. How bout you?
Piss head M ur nitemare ex boyfriend! no1 just incase u ad anover nitemare boyfriend caled M since! why u off 2 vegas u gettin maried? x
Blimey, haven't heard from you for ages. Lol, I've had 2 Ms since you. Not as much of a nightmare though :-) Not getting married, don't know why everyone always asks that? Just a holiday. Going to see ATM and hubby. How's everything with you then?
I'm cool, things tickin over ok. getin by, as u do! wot u doin now, u workin in "nearby town" still? how's X an Y? bet Ys a typical kevin the teenager now ent he? and i reckon Xs calmed down and not 2 bad now she bit older... u happy then? x
Working in "local town" now for NHS. Never worked in "nearby town"? Am loving it. X is a bit calmer now, still X though! Y not too much a kevin yet, just every now and then! Happy? Yeah, I guess, pretty much. Glad your doing ok, your a good bloke.
U just sent the same mesage as last time! email or im me, M@.com
Random! Very, very random!!
So much to post...
I have so much to post that I don't know where to start!! So, instead, I have spent the entire day attaching labels to my blogs to give it some semblance of order, (yes, the distraction technique really helps to get things done!! Er, not!), partly as a distraction technique but partly due to something I realised last night.
So, I shall be posting later, but just a quick preview (and to help me remember!!), the contents of the next post will be (in no particular order):
- DM latest (there's always a latest!)
- Blah and it's inhabitants
- Vi
- Some introspective ramblings
- DB update (remember him?)
Be back soon....
Update: After posting this quick post I then got distracted by a) the contents of the above post, and b) IMing with DB until 1.30am - the subject of a post all of it's own!
So, I shall be posting later, but just a quick preview (and to help me remember!!), the contents of the next post will be (in no particular order):
- DM latest (there's always a latest!)
- Blah and it's inhabitants
- Vi
- Some introspective ramblings
- DB update (remember him?)
Be back soon....
Update: After posting this quick post I then got distracted by a) the contents of the above post, and b) IMing with DB until 1.30am - the subject of a post all of it's own!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
...And on!!
By email:
By the way. When I text you, I was on about me coming to you for your birthday, not you coming to Vegas. Though of course I would love you to come to Vegas!
Yeah, I know. I was only mentioning that I had thought about coming to see you there, that’s all. But now that I can expect to be dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle of some sleazy, drive through wedding parlor!?! :-) You can’t afford to come here, spend your money on yourself.
I have just had the finance approved by my company for my green card application, I’m not coming home, not for at least 5 years that is!
I guess that's what's so annoying. That after all this time you would still be thinking about it. The same way that you were obviously thinking about it a month ago when you were back, the same way you were thinking about it at Christmas, and so on. It just doesn't make any sense for us not be together. And don't worry, I was being facetious about the wedding chapel thing! Having you with me would have been enough for me! And lol, who said anything about drive-through!! I may be cheap, but I'm not that cheap :-)
I'm glad for you if that's what makes you happy, even though it breaks my heart all over again to type that. I'm sure you'll do brilliantly over there, I really am xx
I don't know what to say.
By the way. When I text you, I was on about me coming to you for your birthday, not you coming to Vegas. Though of course I would love you to come to Vegas!
Yeah, I know. I was only mentioning that I had thought about coming to see you there, that’s all. But now that I can expect to be dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle of some sleazy, drive through wedding parlor!?! :-) You can’t afford to come here, spend your money on yourself.
I have just had the finance approved by my company for my green card application, I’m not coming home, not for at least 5 years that is!
I guess that's what's so annoying. That after all this time you would still be thinking about it. The same way that you were obviously thinking about it a month ago when you were back, the same way you were thinking about it at Christmas, and so on. It just doesn't make any sense for us not be together. And don't worry, I was being facetious about the wedding chapel thing! Having you with me would have been enough for me! And lol, who said anything about drive-through!! I may be cheap, but I'm not that cheap :-)
I'm glad for you if that's what makes you happy, even though it breaks my heart all over again to type that. I'm sure you'll do brilliantly over there, I really am xx
I don't know what to say.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Catching up
Like pretty much all single mums, I seem to spend my entire life just trying to catch up with myself at the best of times, but the last two days have been more so than usual and I so need to get more organised. I am exhausted!
Here's an idea of how life can be in the OG household...
Thursday - The Plan
Finish work.
Collect X at 5pm.
Nip to Sainsburys, get home, get dinner.
Take X to Rainbows at 6pm.
Back home for an hour to tidy up quick, do some washing, put feet up for half hour.
Governors meeting at 7pm.
Outreach at 8pm.
Home at 11.30pm
Now that may sound bad enough, but here's the real version...
Thursday - The Reality
Finished work at 4.30pm.
Drove homewards in bastard traffic.
Collected X from afterschool club.
Arrived home 5.30pm.
Was informed by X that tomorrow was "dress as a book character" day.
Spent 15 minutes scrabbling around to find suitable costume (Angelina Ballerina at short notice)!
Fed X Pot Noodle as cupboards bare and no time to cook.
Left house to take X to Rainbows, which starts at 6pm.
Arrived at Rainbows at 6.05pm.
Was informed by Rainbows leaders that was meant to be helping at Rainbows that evening.
Informed leaders was due at governors meeting at 7pm (Rainbows finishes 7.15pm).
Was informed "that's ok, you can go a few minutes early".
Informed leaders had left bag at home and would need to tell babysitter what was going on.
Was informed "you can nip back and get it".
Drove home and grabbed bag.
Rang sitter and changed plans.
Arrived back at Rainbows at 6.20pm.
Sat and helped group of 7yr old girls to make Mothers Day bookmarks and cards.
Was told by group of 7yr old girls must erase incident from memory in order to be surprised on Mothers Day.
Left Rainbows at 7pm feeling guilty.
Arrived at Governors meeting at 7.10pm.
Faffed around for an hour dealing with something that could have been finished in 30mins.
Left Governors meeting at 8pm.
Arrived at work colleagues house at 8.30pm.
Arrived at work premises at 8.40pm.
Spent 20minutes consoling colleague who is being shafted by partner organisation employer.
Started outreach at 9pm.
Spent 2 hours driving around providing condoms, coffee and support to women selling themselves for £40 a pop.
Had to call in a 16yr old girl on the beat to be picked up under child protection.
Left outreach at 10.45pm.
Arrived at work premises at 11pm.
Dropped work colleague at pub at 11.10pm.
Drove home.
Arrived at home at 11.35pm.
Collapsed into bed at 11.45pm.
Now, I was going to list today in the same fashion, but having just typed all that, frankly I'm even more knackered. So, in summary... today's little treasures involved:
- Y getting up at 7.30am and informing me he had no clean pants to pack for his weekend at his dad's (due to not informing me he was running low).
- The discovery that there is no bread or milk in the house (due to debacle Thursday evening) and therefore no breakfast or packed lunch materials, resulting in having to do a quick Sainsbury's detour before school.
- An entire day at work spent trying to sort a million people's problems (due to aforementioned company and a variety of pimps and drug dealers) before finishing late at 5.15pm.
- Arrival at after school club at 5.45pm to collect X only to discover school disco due to start 15minutes later (due to mother's ineptitude with diaring said social event), and X is becomingly increasingly distraught.
- Above incident resulting in flying back home to change and return to school to prevent said daughter becoming scarred for life from trauma of missing important social event, only to then have only half hour to finally get to Sainsburys and return before social services are called for abandonment.
- Submitting to going to Macdonalds because too tired to protest/resist blatant child blackmail in form of starvation comments.
- Finally, finally arriving home at 8.15pm and then attempting to organise over-excited child to bed!
(Oh, and also finding that stupid bloody cat had neglected to use litter tray provided and instead decided to poo on my bathroom carpet!!)
Is it any wonder I'm shattered!!?
(Still got a blog in though, eh!)
Here's an idea of how life can be in the OG household...
Thursday - The Plan
Finish work.
Collect X at 5pm.
Nip to Sainsburys, get home, get dinner.
Take X to Rainbows at 6pm.
Back home for an hour to tidy up quick, do some washing, put feet up for half hour.
Governors meeting at 7pm.
Outreach at 8pm.
Home at 11.30pm
Now that may sound bad enough, but here's the real version...
Thursday - The Reality
Finished work at 4.30pm.
Drove homewards in bastard traffic.
Collected X from afterschool club.
Arrived home 5.30pm.
Was informed by X that tomorrow was "dress as a book character" day.
Spent 15 minutes scrabbling around to find suitable costume (Angelina Ballerina at short notice)!
Fed X Pot Noodle as cupboards bare and no time to cook.
Left house to take X to Rainbows, which starts at 6pm.
Arrived at Rainbows at 6.05pm.
Was informed by Rainbows leaders that was meant to be helping at Rainbows that evening.
Informed leaders was due at governors meeting at 7pm (Rainbows finishes 7.15pm).
Was informed "that's ok, you can go a few minutes early".
Informed leaders had left bag at home and would need to tell babysitter what was going on.
Was informed "you can nip back and get it".
Drove home and grabbed bag.
Rang sitter and changed plans.
Arrived back at Rainbows at 6.20pm.
Sat and helped group of 7yr old girls to make Mothers Day bookmarks and cards.
Was told by group of 7yr old girls must erase incident from memory in order to be surprised on Mothers Day.
Left Rainbows at 7pm feeling guilty.
Arrived at Governors meeting at 7.10pm.
Faffed around for an hour dealing with something that could have been finished in 30mins.
Left Governors meeting at 8pm.
Arrived at work colleagues house at 8.30pm.
Arrived at work premises at 8.40pm.
Spent 20minutes consoling colleague who is being shafted by partner organisation employer.
Started outreach at 9pm.
Spent 2 hours driving around providing condoms, coffee and support to women selling themselves for £40 a pop.
Had to call in a 16yr old girl on the beat to be picked up under child protection.
Left outreach at 10.45pm.
Arrived at work premises at 11pm.
Dropped work colleague at pub at 11.10pm.
Drove home.
Arrived at home at 11.35pm.
Collapsed into bed at 11.45pm.
Now, I was going to list today in the same fashion, but having just typed all that, frankly I'm even more knackered. So, in summary... today's little treasures involved:
- Y getting up at 7.30am and informing me he had no clean pants to pack for his weekend at his dad's (due to not informing me he was running low).
- The discovery that there is no bread or milk in the house (due to debacle Thursday evening) and therefore no breakfast or packed lunch materials, resulting in having to do a quick Sainsbury's detour before school.
- An entire day at work spent trying to sort a million people's problems (due to aforementioned company and a variety of pimps and drug dealers) before finishing late at 5.15pm.
- Arrival at after school club at 5.45pm to collect X only to discover school disco due to start 15minutes later (due to mother's ineptitude with diaring said social event), and X is becomingly increasingly distraught.
- Above incident resulting in flying back home to change and return to school to prevent said daughter becoming scarred for life from trauma of missing important social event, only to then have only half hour to finally get to Sainsburys and return before social services are called for abandonment.
- Submitting to going to Macdonalds because too tired to protest/resist blatant child blackmail in form of starvation comments.
- Finally, finally arriving home at 8.15pm and then attempting to organise over-excited child to bed!
(Oh, and also finding that stupid bloody cat had neglected to use litter tray provided and instead decided to poo on my bathroom carpet!!)
Is it any wonder I'm shattered!!?
(Still got a blog in though, eh!)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
The worst that can happen?
Sometimes the thought that something might work out is scarier than the thought it won't.
Not for me though. Sometimes you just have to see where things take you. For better or worse!
Not for me though. Sometimes you just have to see where things take you. For better or worse!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Possibilities
I don't know what it is about the first signs of Spring, but to me they are more than a glimpse of sunny days just around the corner, but additionally signify the promise of possibilities; possibilities for the spring time, possibilities for summer, possibilities for the year, possibilities for a lifetime.
Nature begins to shed the vestiges of winter and open herself up to change and growth, and all around people begin to do the same. They seem to walk taller and smile wider on beautiful Spring days, and as the trees begin their tentative steps towards coverings of blossom, people, conversely, begin to lose the trappings of winter, both physically and mentally. As the clothes decrease, (albeit tentatively in the unpredictable British climate), positivity seems to increase, leading to the beginnings of a metaphorical and literal new season.
Today I am positively blooming! (Blooming awful my Dad would say!). I like the idea of possibilities...
Back on land, I have just booked (and paid for) my first 2 nights accommodation in Vegas - fabulous mate ATM is putting me up with her and hubby (no threesome comments please!!) for the remaining 6 nights. So, flights are booked, accommodation is sorted, and I am ready to rock and roll. Or, as my confirmation email so jauntily stated... "You're on your way to Vegas, baby!".
I'm also fantastically pleased that as well as funding my entire Vegas trip out of this months salary, I have also managed to pay all my bills, and poor as I am, I don't owe anybody a penny! Well, I suppose £450 to credit card companies and £150 of an overdraft, but that's par for the course to be honest! (Although thinking about it, it would usually be £700 to credit card companies, now reduced due to one bastard company dropping my limit by £250, so yay for bastard credit card companies!).
Just a passport to renew now...
Nature begins to shed the vestiges of winter and open herself up to change and growth, and all around people begin to do the same. They seem to walk taller and smile wider on beautiful Spring days, and as the trees begin their tentative steps towards coverings of blossom, people, conversely, begin to lose the trappings of winter, both physically and mentally. As the clothes decrease, (albeit tentatively in the unpredictable British climate), positivity seems to increase, leading to the beginnings of a metaphorical and literal new season.
Today I am positively blooming! (Blooming awful my Dad would say!). I like the idea of possibilities...
Back on land, I have just booked (and paid for) my first 2 nights accommodation in Vegas - fabulous mate ATM is putting me up with her and hubby (no threesome comments please!!) for the remaining 6 nights. So, flights are booked, accommodation is sorted, and I am ready to rock and roll. Or, as my confirmation email so jauntily stated... "You're on your way to Vegas, baby!".
I'm also fantastically pleased that as well as funding my entire Vegas trip out of this months salary, I have also managed to pay all my bills, and poor as I am, I don't owe anybody a penny! Well, I suppose £450 to credit card companies and £150 of an overdraft, but that's par for the course to be honest! (Although thinking about it, it would usually be £700 to credit card companies, now reduced due to one bastard company dropping my limit by £250, so yay for bastard credit card companies!).
Just a passport to renew now...
Borrowed
I'm up too late. Again! So instead of making any effort at all to think, I'm posting something I read a while ago that has stuck in my head...
"...years ago there were tribes that roamed the earth and each tribe had a magic person. Well, now there are no more tribes, but there are still magic people, and every so often, you meet them. Every so often you meet someone from your tribe." ('Surrender the Pink', Carrie Fisher)
Its a nice thought.
"...years ago there were tribes that roamed the earth and each tribe had a magic person. Well, now there are no more tribes, but there are still magic people, and every so often, you meet them. Every so often you meet someone from your tribe." ('Surrender the Pink', Carrie Fisher)
Its a nice thought.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Being brave
On a lighter note...
Because, let's face it, nobody wants to read about the crappy days!
Home made jam tarts rock!
Home made jam tarts rock!
...And on...
Sun 4th March - 2am
OG - Please don't reply, there's no point, you made that clear when you came back last time. But I want you to know that I love you more than anyone I've ever loved .
DM - You're having a laugh aren't you? You really think I wouldn't reply after saying something like that? Does it make you feel better me knowing that?
OG - I didn't think you'd reply because it's old news really. Do I feel better? Not really. I don't know why I want to make sure you know. I just do.
DM - Only when you've been drinking though, hey? You'll regret it in the morning. I didn't know that, or didn't believe it!
OG - I haven't been drinking. And the only thing I regret is that you didn't know it or believe it. Why is it so hard for you to accept that someone loves you?
OG - I just want you, on the shittest days, to be able to hold your head high and say "I don't care, because somebody fucking loves me! And out of all the people in the world, she picked me!". And if I can't have you then I guess that's all I want. So that's why I text you. Rightly or wrongly.
Woke later on Sunday morning to:
DM - I really wish life were that simple, it isn't. I thought M loved me like you say you do, she ended up leaving me. I don't know what true love feels like.
OG - I know you won't let it be that simple, but I still want you to know that I've never left, even after all this. And if I never see you again I need to know you believe me
Sunday night
OG - Vegas to SFO. 1hr 26mins. $173. Your birthday. Your call. Think about it.
DM - Nice idea, must admit I thought about going to Vegas myself but always said I'd never go there. Not my type of place, you know what I mean. And it really wouldn't help or do any good. We would have met the last time I was in the UK if it was going to.
OG - Not your kind of place? When did you get so narrow minded? Just for once can't you just go with it and say "fuck it! I will!". What's the worst that can happen!
Woke Wednesday 7th March to:
DM - Narrow minded! What with Vegas being the gambling city of the US! I don't think so.
DM - And the immortal question, what's the worst that can happen! God only knows.
OG - Good morning, ray of sunshine and joy! The worst... a wedding in a sleazy Elvis Chapel of Love? Finally getting some closure? Sometimes it's worth the risk.
OG - Please don't reply, there's no point, you made that clear when you came back last time. But I want you to know that I love you more than anyone I've ever loved .
DM - You're having a laugh aren't you? You really think I wouldn't reply after saying something like that? Does it make you feel better me knowing that?
OG - I didn't think you'd reply because it's old news really. Do I feel better? Not really. I don't know why I want to make sure you know. I just do.
DM - Only when you've been drinking though, hey? You'll regret it in the morning. I didn't know that, or didn't believe it!
OG - I haven't been drinking. And the only thing I regret is that you didn't know it or believe it. Why is it so hard for you to accept that someone loves you?
OG - I just want you, on the shittest days, to be able to hold your head high and say "I don't care, because somebody fucking loves me! And out of all the people in the world, she picked me!". And if I can't have you then I guess that's all I want. So that's why I text you. Rightly or wrongly.
Woke later on Sunday morning to:
DM - I really wish life were that simple, it isn't. I thought M loved me like you say you do, she ended up leaving me. I don't know what true love feels like.
OG - I know you won't let it be that simple, but I still want you to know that I've never left, even after all this. And if I never see you again I need to know you believe me
Sunday night
OG - Vegas to SFO. 1hr 26mins. $173. Your birthday. Your call. Think about it.
DM - Nice idea, must admit I thought about going to Vegas myself but always said I'd never go there. Not my type of place, you know what I mean. And it really wouldn't help or do any good. We would have met the last time I was in the UK if it was going to.
OG - Not your kind of place? When did you get so narrow minded? Just for once can't you just go with it and say "fuck it! I will!". What's the worst that can happen!
Woke Wednesday 7th March to:
DM - Narrow minded! What with Vegas being the gambling city of the US! I don't think so.
DM - And the immortal question, what's the worst that can happen! God only knows.
OG - Good morning, ray of sunshine and joy! The worst... a wedding in a sleazy Elvis Chapel of Love? Finally getting some closure? Sometimes it's worth the risk.
The beat goes on...
I had a wank last night.
Not such a big deal you may say, but my libido has been out of the window just lately, and I tried (and failed) to wank a couple of nights ago, so to manage successfully last night (albeit with the aid of porn!), feels like quite an achievement.
However, orgasm over, it brought with it such an emotional longing for DM that I realised that however much I wish it had, in fact, none of how I feel about him has gone away; I'm just not letting myself feel much of anything anymore. Anything particularly emotional is now avoided, and even the run of the mill emotions are just that: run of the mill! Having always been an emotional high octane dramarama kind of girl, I'm beginning to get used to the dulling of the senses. Though it's not good for my sex drive I'm sure.
It's been a month since our last contact. Since I told him not to contact me again. A month exactly. That is until I reneged on all of that last night...
Middle of the night texts were sent, and replied to.
I wanted to text him and I did. No excuse other than that. No regrets that I did (other than in hearing cyber space sighing in impatience at me!). I slept fitfully, with mixed up dreams of reconciliations and endings, and woke with him still in my head this morning.
The bottom line is, I don't want a boyfriend. I want him. I want every moment of my life, good and bad to be shared with him. And I want him to know that. And if he doesn't want me I can live with that, I have done for months, it's hard and painful but that's the way life is sometimes. You just get on with it eventually.
But what I can't bear the thought of, is that he doesn't know that I loved him so. That I do still love him. I just want him to believe that. Truly truly believe that.
I just don't know what I have to do to prove it!?
Not such a big deal you may say, but my libido has been out of the window just lately, and I tried (and failed) to wank a couple of nights ago, so to manage successfully last night (albeit with the aid of porn!), feels like quite an achievement.
However, orgasm over, it brought with it such an emotional longing for DM that I realised that however much I wish it had, in fact, none of how I feel about him has gone away; I'm just not letting myself feel much of anything anymore. Anything particularly emotional is now avoided, and even the run of the mill emotions are just that: run of the mill! Having always been an emotional high octane dramarama kind of girl, I'm beginning to get used to the dulling of the senses. Though it's not good for my sex drive I'm sure.
It's been a month since our last contact. Since I told him not to contact me again. A month exactly. That is until I reneged on all of that last night...
Middle of the night texts were sent, and replied to.
I wanted to text him and I did. No excuse other than that. No regrets that I did (other than in hearing cyber space sighing in impatience at me!). I slept fitfully, with mixed up dreams of reconciliations and endings, and woke with him still in my head this morning.
The bottom line is, I don't want a boyfriend. I want him. I want every moment of my life, good and bad to be shared with him. And I want him to know that. And if he doesn't want me I can live with that, I have done for months, it's hard and painful but that's the way life is sometimes. You just get on with it eventually.
But what I can't bear the thought of, is that he doesn't know that I loved him so. That I do still love him. I just want him to believe that. Truly truly believe that.
I just don't know what I have to do to prove it!?
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Rubbish
Everything is rubbish today.
I hate my house.
I'm stuck in all weekend.
I'm skint.
I'm fat.
I miss him.
Other than that, all as normal!
I hate my house.
I'm stuck in all weekend.
I'm skint.
I'm fat.
I miss him.
Other than that, all as normal!
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