DM part 1!

I still have tonsilitis, only now it's slightly worse :-( I bloody hate it!!! Went to the doctors this afternoon, because it has been painful (not so bad though) since Saturday morning, only to find they are shut for a training session??!!!! For fucks sake!!!! You can't tell me they can't have at least one doctor and nurse covering. Fuckers!! And now it's even worse and I know it will be a bad nights sleep for me again (and not because I am being seduced by a sexy stranger unfortunately!). Tonsilitis sucks!!!

So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.

At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...

Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?

Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).

When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!

My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!

Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.

Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!

So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.

Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.

MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!

PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.

So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!

I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....