Weekend - part 4 - DM and the whole sorry story!!

I am not going to blather on trying to explain what happened on Sunday night, what I felt, where my head was at, what I hoped to achieve. It would take too long to find the words, and express them even though I have re-ran the whole thing in my head and out loud to my friends many times since then! Instead, I am going to let you read the whole uncensored car crash version of how I felt and how I expressed myself - with no apologies or explanations for my behaviour or my emotions. But I warn you, it isn't pretty!!

You may understand why I responded the way I did, you may not. I appreciate some of it is personal to me... the little common phrases that twang and wind up, etc, but you can get the gist of it, and you can decide for yourself my level of twattiness, despair, love, desperation, psychosis, whatever-the-hell-emotion-you-like for yourselves.... Yes I'm embarrassed, but also I am not! Because this is my life and these are my feelings, and that makes them valid and real and good. And for me, it's good to have it all down on paper and be able to look back. I guess that's pretty much all I ask of this blog!

So, it all started with this text, sent late (about 5am) Saturday night/Sunday morning, when I was in a caffeine induced state and couldn't sleep, with my head spinning about M and CM, and as always... DM!

Me - D, why don't you just tell me to fuck off and leave you alone?? Particularly after what I did with that email!
(Just to explain - I've wanted to know if he knew about the email (to explain later), and if he was still in touch with me regardless of it. I wanted to believe he knew and he was)
DM - Because if I told you to fuck off, I'd lose you forever. And what did you do with what email?
Me - You don't want me!?! Why do you care if you lose me? I'm more hassle than good.
(Just want to say, at this point, after opening the can of worms called 'Psychotic Behaviour Ex Girlfriend Email', and now realising he doesn't know about it, my brain is going fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!!!!! I do not want to go down this road...!!)
DM - I think I should be the judge of that! What email? And what did you do with it?
Me - You have been the judge of that. You moved 5000 miles away from me, but I still don't know whether we're completely done or not! Don't worry about the email thing, you obviously don't know and it obviously hasn't been an issue. That's good.
(No response from DM)
Me - 831, that doesn't change. x
(No response from DM)
Me - You've gone all quiet on me now! I hate all this electronic communication! Especially as we rocked in the communication department. Would be good to hear from you properly instead. Although I suspect I've outstayed my welcome now!
DM - We were a rocking department store! Still having troubles saying it? I may call sometime, see how you are. Take care babe. x
DM - I liked the "enigma" thing tho, I'm gonna have it tattooed on my arm! Or my arse! Should I put "Ordinary Girl was ere" under it?
(enigma = reference to recent email in which i refer to him as an enigma - will fill in more in later post!)
Me - You don't know how painful this is to say but I think you're gonna seriously have to consider letting me go soon babe. For good. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I don't think you do want anything anymore, so "enigma" -yes. But "Ordinary Girl was here"- probably not. Much as I wish I mattered that much. x
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - You want to know how I am? I'm falling apart and the DM shaped hole in my life just gets bigger and bigger no matter what I try to fill it with. And the only person I know that can fix it is happy and settled and the other side of the world and is the one person who won't fix it. Who doesn't care to fix it. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP HURTING! This is not the person I am!! Does knowing that you casually threw that away to be with someone not worth half of you make you feel better? Cos it makes me feel like shit!
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - I'm sorry. But how can you not want to lose me when you don't fucking want me! It makes no sense to me. And I'm angry at myself for still fucking caring why. I just don't know how to stop loving you and missing you and wanting you.
(A few minutes later...)
Me - Please come home.
(No response from DM)
Me - Two glasses of wine later... rant over! I mean't what I said though but I guess bottom line is, for me... I still think of you and miss you every single day, and no matter how great life is, it's never as good without you in it. For you... you probably don't give me anymore of a passing thought than you give N, or K, or S, or C, or J, and no matter how rubbish life is, it's probably better without me in it. That just hurts to know sometimes.
(No response from DM)
Me - I'm going to bed now. Just want to say one last thing! I don't want to make you feel bad I just want you to know and to believe how much I love you. And how much I wish that you loved me too. x
(No response from DM)

For the first time in a fairly long time, I cried and cried and cried that night. And the most annoying thing is no matter how far I think I've come down this fucking grieving road, it can just take one thing, just one random thing, to take me back nearly eleven months to the day when my life with him ended. And that is the biggest fucker of them all!!!!