Weekend - part 3 - The M situation (Saturday) and ensuing head fuck

Why can't I ever just have things simple?!! As a woman am I forced to endure over-complicating, over analysing and over stressing about everything?? Is this a feminine trait or an Ordinary Girl trait? Buggered if I know!! But what I do know is that despite the fact that I'm actually very self aware, I do know myself inside and out, good and bad, sometimes emotions appear from nowhere and bite me in the ass!!

Saturday night was one of these nights...!

As I said before, the M situation has been slow but was now showing good promise after Friday. Although there are the complications of KD and CM, the situation is all good and those are not really any big deal. I'm not that bothered if KD finds out. After all it was a long long time ago and I think it would only be his fragile male ego that was bruised. But on the whole I don't think I'm ready to start a relationship yet (to be honest I'm doubtful I ever will be!), but I accept that I'm in a place where I can begin to think about such things, even if at the moment that will be a sex based relationship. So, right on track with that. Find my potential shag partner, lay down the rules, hook up again, all good!

To cut a long story short (something I'm not renowned for!!), I was out with my girlie mates Saturday night (a planned quiet night down town aiming to be back for about 11am - which turned into a rather louder night down town getting home about 2.30am!!), and bumped into M and KD. All fine, chatting normally, bit of flirting etc etc. But then the following random things happened which sent me into a confusing head spin...

M was talking again about the fact that he had told CM. And although it had bothered me a little when he told me Friday, I was amazed to find that actually it REALLY BOTHERS ME that CM knows!! And the fact it does has freaked me out a little. Why should I care? I'm not the sort of person who generally gives a monkey what people know about me or what they think about me. I'm not a private person. In fact I probably spill far more than I should to any old body who will listen. I'm not by nature the sort that would care about this. I'm also the first to hold my hands up to being a sexual being and being content with that side of me. So why do I feel so bad that CM knows? I mean really really bad!!

I think the reason may be because I like CM so much. I mean he is a really really great bloke. And I value his opinion. And I value the fact that he likes me and respects me. It means something, you know? And for some reason it really matters to me that he doesn't think I'm a slut and he doesn't lose respect for me. I don't think I'm a slut, but then I know me and I know more motivations etc. But I'm just bothered that he doesnt. I want to explain it to him for some reason. And that realisation is just weird!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a mate. A person I value. But I rarely see him and so he has no effect on my life. So why am I so pissed off at this. Why do I feel the need to see him. To tell him how it is. To make sure that it's okay. To apologise????? I've rarely felt that way about any of my actions or anybody that I know. And that thought leads me on to wondering if perhaps I like him more than I think? Or if I'm reading something into nothing. Or if I'm trying to make 2 +2 = 8? And grrrrrrr. Too many questions!!!

Also, Saturday night, M was not up for the shag. Fine in itself. I can cope with that. Especially considering the lack of sleep the night before, the fact he was out with KD etc. And sure I was a little miffed, we all want people to be desperate for us (do we? or is that just me?) , but he was flirty and attentive and generally sweet and funny and cool with me. So the lack of shag is fine (to a point!). But what I was not prepared for, what took me completely by surprise was the fact that when he was talking to some girls in the pub I got completely and utterly and insanely fucking jealous!!! Seriously. I mean I-could-have-walked-straight-over-there-and-scratched-their-fucking-eyes-out kind of jealous. I-could-have-stormed-over-and-said-he's-my-fuck-buddy-not-yours-now-get-your-skanky-arse-out-of-here kind of jealous. Seriously folks. The green eyed monster unleashed itself in my bosom that night!!

Now what the fuck is that all about?!!!! Why would I be like that? He was also getting some drunken texts from some girl. Stupid.. "I'm drunk do you want to hook up" kind of texts. Embarrassing rambling desperate texts. And he was quite open about showing me them and telling me about how she kept bothering him and wouldn't get the message etc. And I took his phone off him (willingly from him I hasten to add!), and I rang her and told her to "Get the message love, M is just not interested!". WHAT THE FUCK!!??

Now I ask you... are they the actions of a sane, mature, sexually aware woman in a new fuck buddy situation??? I'm sure they're not!! Why would I feel like that? I don't want him as a boyfriend. I set up how it's going to be. I'm the one who lay down the rules for how it's going to be. He's following these rules. This is the situation I want. So why? Why why why why why??

(I must just add that although all this psycho jealous stuff was going on in my head, I did nothing. I didn't act on it or make a big deal out of it. I just acted normally and even made light of the phone call thing - which he seemed cool with anyway. I do have SOME self control!!. I may be a crazy lady but I'm damned if any man I know is gonna know about it!)

So, after this interesting evening! With all sorts of questions and conflicting feelings running through my head. M/CM/M/CM etc etc. Fuelled by caffeine and unable to sleep, do you think I went home and tried to calm myself? Tried to sort out what I felt about who? What I should do to deal with the situation. Tried to think about it logically. Look at my options. Examine the situation. Figure out how I could reduce the confusion? That would have been the sensible thing eh? That of course was what I did... NOT!

What I did was text DM. And not only text him, but open up a can of worms I've been afraid to broach before. To set in motion a chain of events that is likely to end in the complete and utter final resolution.... that he hates me and takes himself out of my life forever!

The easy life....? I certainly don't make it so!!!