Deaths and Births

Well I've calmed down a bit since yesterday, though I'm still pissed off - not upset though, just mad, which is better. I know that logically he actually hasn't done anything wrong, after all we're not together and when I went out in May I knew he'd been internet dating, I just didn't expect to have the reality face me like that, and I still don't like the cocky manner he commented that to a near stranger. Exactly the reason I wasn't going to check his sites, and so I've bloody learnt now! Unfortunately, emotions don't tend to be led by logic!!

To explain the move, it wasn't a gut reaction, more that yesterday was the straw that finally pushed me to finally start anew. This blog has been sitting and waiting to be born since the end of May, as the following (unpublished) OG post may explain...

17th May
"I don't know whether I will ever get to publish this post. Although I suspect it's very likely.

I have been off work today, mainly because I had a lot of stuff I needed to process, and I needed to give myself time to do that. So I have spent much of the day driving, and thinking, and thinking, and driving.

I have just emailed DM. My final thoughts I guess - a practical solution to the situation, rather than an emotional one. I have done the emotional so many times already. I don't know whether it will be enough, but I do know that I've now done and said all I can possibly do. That helps. A little.

And now? Now, I've been planning. Planning for a future with him, but also planning for a future without. I can feel the end drawing ever nearer, as much as I don't want it to, and although when I went to San Francisco I knew it wouldn't be make or break, I have a feeling that the next time I see him (in just over a week), it will be. So I'm making plans for the worst.
It helps me be in control. It helps me to resolve.

I started writing this blog a long time ago now, or so it feels, and I wrote it for me; to help me deal with the situation, to learn about myself, to remember, and to either move things forward or end them. I also wrote it for him; to help him understand me, to say the things I needed to say, to make him remember, to either move things forward or end them. I'm glad I did, but it has become a double edged sword just lately, and is one of the things that helps continue the connection between us.

I blog, he reads, I know he reads. And so it continues.

I love that he does, but if he and I must stop, then this blog must also stop, me wanting him to read must also stop. It really is that simple. He can't continue to be a part of my life from afar, and I can't continue to be a part of his on the sidelines. It may not have seemed it for the last couple of years, but at heart I'm a main player kind of girl."

So, the time has finally come for me to start anew, hopefully with lots of adventures along the way...