A simple phone call

Having heard from Lena about Jay, I was quite grumpy this evening, about life and love in general. Disappointed with him, cross with myself for being bothered about him, and most bizarrely really, really angry with DM for leaving me to face all this shit. So I texted him, in temper:

Why couldn't you have just fucking tried!

Tried! Tried what OG? To make you happy? There are things that I can do and there are things that I can't. I'm not willing to dwell on the things I can't do.

Yes tried to make me happy. Like I tried to make you happy. That's what people do when they love each other!

I fully expected (in fact, almost dared) him to reply with "I don't love you!", or to ignore it completely.

A while later...

That's just it, I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. Not you, not anyone else can make me completely happy. I'm doing the best I can.

That's bollocks. And you know it is.

Really! Do you really think that! Where are you? I just tried calling you at home. I'm bored with texting.

Sure enough there's a voicemail on my phone (which was upstairs) saying he'd called and he would try again another time. So I call him, no answer. Then he rings me back.

Some idle chit chat commenced (I can't even remember the detail too much), and we chatted for about 20minutes before he called an end to it. I know I mentioned some things he's probably not completely comfortable with, that's just my way, and I know he gave me very little in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions, but the most significant thing was that despite being so angry when I texted, the phone call was calm, and good, and just so familiar. It was just so fucking good to talk to him!! Like I just saw him last week, like the whole last year or so had never happened. And usually that would both sadden and frustrate me, but, for now, I feel calm and happy that we still connect.

I told him at the end of the conversation that I miss him, and that I love him, which I do - and if anything the ease of that call, (the first time we have spoken in 8 months), confirmed that. It confirmed that though I may have been doubting recently whether a future with him would ever now be possible considering the past, if he stepped back into mine now, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we could pick it up and make it work again. Possibly even more easily than I've ever given it credit in fact.

Of course I'm under no illusion that that is likely to happen any time soon, or anytime ever (especially considering the living circumstances), but I'm glad I spoke to him. I hope he is glad he spoke to me too.

I've given up fighting, and trying, and crying and thinking, but I still love him. And although life will undoubtedly go on, I still genuinely, genuinely believe there is no better fit for me AND him than each other. I hope one day he can believe it too.

However much you moan about me prodding you, considering how we've been for a long time, it's scary how easily we just had a conversation, and how good it was to talk to you. For me anyway! I hope for you too. It reminds me we were never about pain and misery, and that we were happy, whether you admit that or not. Even if you never realise it, I still believe your place is with me and always will be. It would be a shame to waste my trip over there.

The bottom line is, rightly or wrongly, that despite being pretty happy in life right now, all the time we don't spend together just seems such a waste.