Thank you for your email, I have checked and can see that this registration was created on the 18/01/2006 and was last logged into on the 08/09/2006, I am afraid this is all the information I can see. I confirm that the member details have been removed from the site as requested. I hope this helps.
I should bloody think so!!
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
What now??
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Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: DM
To: OG
Subject: What now??
Hello you, what have you been up to? how are the kids?
I wanted to find out how we are now, you never returned my call, text to tell me to call. Are we done now? I was kind of hoping to give an explanation as to why we didn't get together the last time I was back there, you never gave me the opportunity.
My time here may well be done soon, i'm still not coming back the UK, i'm not ready to come back, but I think it's time to move on. I started that blog that you mentioned, I got a few posts written and quite a few to do but got bored with it, I may just pick it up again soon. You know it's not my type of thing.
DM
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Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: OG
To: DM
Subject: Re: What now??
I don't know how I am. Functioning. Lost. Working hard, little else. The kids are kids. X another year older, Y soon to be.
I was hurt about your visit, or rather lack of it, really hurt, and really angry too, but mostly I guess resigned to the situation. I didn't return your text because I didn't want to have a pointless, hurtful, horrible conversation. I don't want that for either of us. You could have called with an explanation when you cancelled. Even a quick 5 minutes. But its not really about that, the explanation, its that you didnt make an effort, at all, after everything. And if you'd really wanted to explain, you could have done that, you know you could. I'm still here.
You know, I had planned to shut my blog. Change my phone numbers. Change my email address. Generally shut you down completely. I haven't. I don't know why not. I don't know why I'm replying now.
I guess, really, its not about the call, or the visit, or any of those specifics. It's about the fact that I love you and you don't love me, and that's really what it all boils down to. I'm not blaming you for that, and maybe in a way I'm no longer blaming myself for that either.
I've spent this long trying because I really believed we could fix it, or maybe that I could fix it, if we just spent time together, if I could make you believe I was serious. Not in some naive and fantasy way that everything would suddenly be rosy, but just that it was right, and it was worth it, and we could make it work, even with the situation.
After my visit, I can't do anymore than I've done to make that happen. There's nothing left. I came. I saw you. I told you. I listened to you. And still I believed. Still I hoped. My last stand I guess!! And it wasn't enough.
You ask if we're done now? I don't know. I haven't magically stopped loving you overnight. I haven't stopped thinking about you every day. I haven't stopped having a space that never gets filled. But I have stopped hoping, and wishing, and waiting. Because, now, what's the point? Because you don't feel those things about me. And there's nothing left that I can do to change that.
So where does that leave us?
All along there has been a point to all of this, for me at least. A journey with a clear end in sight. If there's no end, what's the point of the journey?
There's so much of me that wants to say to you "Don't worry. It's cool. We'll still be friends. We'll still catch up occasionally.". So much of me that wants to know about your blog, that wants to know about your life, that wants to be a part of yours. But I've said all along, I can't do that with you.
Even though I'm tempted to take what I get, and even though I can't actually imagine a life without you in it, and even though I wish you love and joy, I don't think I can be your friend unless you're single. I just absolutely couldn't deal with that. And you're not going to stay single forever. I could cope with P. Even understand it. But I couldn't cope with someone else. Someone who isn't me.
Maybe that will change, after all who knows what's around the corner. Maybe I'll get in touch one day to tell you 'I'm happy, I'm in love, I hope you are too', but I can't promise that and I can't pretend.
It makes me sad that you're still "moving on", because you're going to run out of places to move on to and nothing will have changed. It makes me sad that we can't have the life I think we both want. It makes me sad that you're not coming home. And it practically fucking kills me that this all feels a bit too much like the end of the road. Perhaps that's why I didn't respond. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I'm just not sure there is any other way. I wish there was.
None of that is probably what you wanted to hear, and none of it probably makes any sense, and I'm sorry I can't just forget and move on. I'm sorry that, for whatever reasons, I can't give you what you want. Really, I guess, I'm just sorry.
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: DM
To: OG
Subject: What now??
Hello you, what have you been up to? how are the kids?
I wanted to find out how we are now, you never returned my call, text to tell me to call. Are we done now? I was kind of hoping to give an explanation as to why we didn't get together the last time I was back there, you never gave me the opportunity.
My time here may well be done soon, i'm still not coming back the UK, i'm not ready to come back, but I think it's time to move on. I started that blog that you mentioned, I got a few posts written and quite a few to do but got bored with it, I may just pick it up again soon. You know it's not my type of thing.
DM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Jul 2007
From: OG
To: DM
Subject: Re: What now??
I don't know how I am. Functioning. Lost. Working hard, little else. The kids are kids. X another year older, Y soon to be.
I was hurt about your visit, or rather lack of it, really hurt, and really angry too, but mostly I guess resigned to the situation. I didn't return your text because I didn't want to have a pointless, hurtful, horrible conversation. I don't want that for either of us. You could have called with an explanation when you cancelled. Even a quick 5 minutes. But its not really about that, the explanation, its that you didnt make an effort, at all, after everything. And if you'd really wanted to explain, you could have done that, you know you could. I'm still here.
You know, I had planned to shut my blog. Change my phone numbers. Change my email address. Generally shut you down completely. I haven't. I don't know why not. I don't know why I'm replying now.
I guess, really, its not about the call, or the visit, or any of those specifics. It's about the fact that I love you and you don't love me, and that's really what it all boils down to. I'm not blaming you for that, and maybe in a way I'm no longer blaming myself for that either.
I've spent this long trying because I really believed we could fix it, or maybe that I could fix it, if we just spent time together, if I could make you believe I was serious. Not in some naive and fantasy way that everything would suddenly be rosy, but just that it was right, and it was worth it, and we could make it work, even with the situation.
After my visit, I can't do anymore than I've done to make that happen. There's nothing left. I came. I saw you. I told you. I listened to you. And still I believed. Still I hoped. My last stand I guess!! And it wasn't enough.
You ask if we're done now? I don't know. I haven't magically stopped loving you overnight. I haven't stopped thinking about you every day. I haven't stopped having a space that never gets filled. But I have stopped hoping, and wishing, and waiting. Because, now, what's the point? Because you don't feel those things about me. And there's nothing left that I can do to change that.
So where does that leave us?
All along there has been a point to all of this, for me at least. A journey with a clear end in sight. If there's no end, what's the point of the journey?
There's so much of me that wants to say to you "Don't worry. It's cool. We'll still be friends. We'll still catch up occasionally.". So much of me that wants to know about your blog, that wants to know about your life, that wants to be a part of yours. But I've said all along, I can't do that with you.
Even though I'm tempted to take what I get, and even though I can't actually imagine a life without you in it, and even though I wish you love and joy, I don't think I can be your friend unless you're single. I just absolutely couldn't deal with that. And you're not going to stay single forever. I could cope with P. Even understand it. But I couldn't cope with someone else. Someone who isn't me.
Maybe that will change, after all who knows what's around the corner. Maybe I'll get in touch one day to tell you 'I'm happy, I'm in love, I hope you are too', but I can't promise that and I can't pretend.
It makes me sad that you're still "moving on", because you're going to run out of places to move on to and nothing will have changed. It makes me sad that we can't have the life I think we both want. It makes me sad that you're not coming home. And it practically fucking kills me that this all feels a bit too much like the end of the road. Perhaps that's why I didn't respond. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I'm just not sure there is any other way. I wish there was.
None of that is probably what you wanted to hear, and none of it probably makes any sense, and I'm sorry I can't just forget and move on. I'm sorry that, for whatever reasons, I can't give you what you want. Really, I guess, I'm just sorry.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Warning!!
This post is full of gripes and groans, and its not my fucking hormones!!!
I couldn't sleep for some reason last night. Ended up being awake until around 3am, and then had to drag myself out of bed for work this morning. Was stressed before I'd even got there just thinking about it, after an email on Friday telling me I had to find new premises for my service within the month!!! Well, at least that's what I thought it said. In hindsight, and after some discussion with others it would seem that it may in fact say we have to find new premises, and then give a months notice, which is still stressful but slightly less so! Still waiting to have the situation confirmed though. On top of that, some of my "partner agencies" are pissing me off with the odd thing that's happened, and I am struggling to cope with workload, oozing diplomacy, managing some issues within the team and now this move! Just feel a little like I'm drowning at the moment.
I emailed The Sun support desk yesterday, to enquire how come I haven't registered yet my profile appears to be there, and got the following reply today:
Thanks for your email. I'm afraid that I have not been able to locate your membership. Please let me know the username that you chose to register with, along with the email address that you think you used to register in order for me to investigate further. Many thanks in advance of your co-operation.
Ahem!!! I don't know what username/email address I think I used, because as far as I'm concerned I didn't fucking register!!! Isn't that the fucking point?!!! Bloody useless!
I did go and check my Match site though, which I had to sign up for again (fortunately for free), and it is word for word the same, so Duddler's comments make sense, although I had cancelled my membership (so I thought). Will wait and see the outcome.
Okay, moan over!
Updat: Moan not over!! Have just been evicted from the Big Blogger house, after losing by 2 fucking votes!!! Bollocks!!
I couldn't sleep for some reason last night. Ended up being awake until around 3am, and then had to drag myself out of bed for work this morning. Was stressed before I'd even got there just thinking about it, after an email on Friday telling me I had to find new premises for my service within the month!!! Well, at least that's what I thought it said. In hindsight, and after some discussion with others it would seem that it may in fact say we have to find new premises, and then give a months notice, which is still stressful but slightly less so! Still waiting to have the situation confirmed though. On top of that, some of my "partner agencies" are pissing me off with the odd thing that's happened, and I am struggling to cope with workload, oozing diplomacy, managing some issues within the team and now this move! Just feel a little like I'm drowning at the moment.
I emailed The Sun support desk yesterday, to enquire how come I haven't registered yet my profile appears to be there, and got the following reply today:
Thanks for your email. I'm afraid that I have not been able to locate your membership. Please let me know the username that you chose to register with, along with the email address that you think you used to register in order for me to investigate further. Many thanks in advance of your co-operation.
Ahem!!! I don't know what username/email address I think I used, because as far as I'm concerned I didn't fucking register!!! Isn't that the fucking point?!!! Bloody useless!
I did go and check my Match site though, which I had to sign up for again (fortunately for free), and it is word for word the same, so Duddler's comments make sense, although I had cancelled my membership (so I thought). Will wait and see the outcome.
Okay, moan over!
Updat: Moan not over!! Have just been evicted from the Big Blogger house, after losing by 2 fucking votes!!! Bollocks!!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Another weekend over
After massive work stress on Friday, (more to come tomorrow when I can face thinking about it!), and a call from school to collect X early as she was stil poorly, I was glad I had nothing more than a quiet evening in with Big Brother to look forward to! Settled down with a glass of wine and the telly before later spending a bit of time on the pc exchanging porn clips with DB!! Most amusing!
Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!
Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.
Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.
One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!
Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!
Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!
Also recieved an email message from a bloke, MB1 who I used to go to school with on friendsreunited, which is always nice. It's nice to know people you may not have heard from for nearly 20 years remember you and take the time to say hi, especially this particular one, as there is a certain piece of history that I don't particularly like to bring into polite conversation. Let's just say I was young and foolish :-) And twins always have been a thing for me! I will leave it a few days and reply. Might even ask how his brother, MB2, is these days!
Last night was slightly more interesting, with a planned trip into town with Meg and Straight Mate, with a view to catching up with Lily, Lala and others, to enjoy the last night of nicotine inhalation before the onset of the no-smoking ban! We ended up going to The Nun for a couple first, after Lena texted to say come on over, and had a fine old time in there flirting with local boy Justin before having to head reluctantly back to local town to meet up with friend of Straight Mate.
Town was pretty dull all round, unfortunately, although did bump into CM and KD whilst in local dive, which was lovely. I'm really pleased that all is exactly as it was with CM after last years little fling, and we both seem to have fallen straight back into our old friendship. Also, somewhat fortunately, M wasn't out with them, as he is in Germany for the weekend, so I didn't have to explain the lack of responses to the booty calls I have recieved every weekend (apart from the last three) since we last hooked up back at the end of March. I just really can't be bothered with it/him to be honest.
One funny (and a little worrying thing) happened though... KD was teasing me for being on a dating site. Now, this wouldn't be funny at all if it wasnt for the fact that I haven't been active on a dating site for some time now, probably about 18mths, and for the fact that this is the Sun Newspaper online dating site, which I have never registered for! After, much persuading him that he must be mistaken and it must be a lookalike I decided to check it out today, only to see that it is me and it's a profile I wrote months and months ago for Match.com (which incidentally are not only shit but also robbing bastards!!). So how did it end up in the Sun dating page??? I certainly haven't received any correspondence regarding it (or messages from tonnes of fit guys begging for a date!!), so have emailed them to enquire. Very strange! And as I said, a bit bloody worrying - especially as it contains my photo!
Today has been spent with a late lie-in this morning, after a dreadful night's sleep of disturbing, emotional dreams), followed by egg and bacon butties, some reading on the sofa, a swim with X and Y this afternoon, and then a lovely (home-made) roast chicken dinner!
Just long enough to recoup before back to work and stress tomorrow...!
Dreams
Last night, terrible dreams. Dreams of you, of being with you, of losing you. Life reflected.
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