Happy New Year

Tonight, for the first time since I started this blog I think, I am spending New Years Eve at home, alone. Now, whilst I'd much rather be spending it at home with a man I love, as there is no available man in the picture it will just be little old me. However, I am feeling absolutely fine about spending it at home, and have no great desire to go out and celebrate - new year always seems to be an anticlimactic event somehow, even the best new years eves I've had have never quite lived up to the high expectation that this particular day of the year brings. So, instead, I feel like switching off the phone, going to bed early, and letting the new year just creep up on me. I think I might just do that!

To all of you out there in the big wide world, I wish you a Happy New Year, and to my love, wherever you are; its been a long journey, but here at its final end, I genuinely wish you a happy new year, and may you always get what you desire.

Peace

Well after a hectic few days of family, feasting, drinking, presents and general Christmas enjoyment I now have my house to myself again (excluding X and Y), and am enjoying some peace and quiet.

Wishing on a star

I just saw a shooting star! And I have to admit that I did take the time to wish upon it.

Bored

Bored bored bored bored bored!

Blue

Don't know what's up with me today, but am just feeling really down. In fact, am having a little cry :-(

The day started well - got up to lots of lovely snow, one school open, one school closed. So off X toddled and Y came to work with me, as I had a strategic meeting that I chair that I couldn't really cancel. Took me an hour to drive the usual 20 minute journey to work, purely as a result of crap driving I'm sure, as there were no break downs or crashes on the 10 mile route! But I was still feeling pretty chipper, and me and Y were having a little chin wag and trying to overtake cars and so on.

So eventually get to work, and meeting starts at 10.30. I must just say that it is a meeting that I absolutely hate, bi monthly, completely pointless, consists of me talking and other people agreeing and then 2 hours later they leave and I do. But today, I was feeling positive, I had a new action agenda format - was clear what I wanted to discuss, was clear what outcomes I wanted, etc etc. And it just turned out to be same old same old - I get so disheartened by it. I just want to get on and do, and to get support from other professionals in a multi agency partnership! But no, same old same old. I nearly cried. Twice. In the meeting.

I think that, plus the combination of money stress, plus the fact my Masters assignment is late, plus the Christmas build up - and probably the time of the month, have resulted in sadness.

But, have jacked off the rest of the day, picked X up, done shopping, come home, sent X and Y out to play in the snow, and think my pyjamas, a long Lush bath, a glass of wine and a little cry is on my agenda for the next few hours. Would happily make it my agenda for the entire evening but my sister and brother in law are coming later and staying over for Christmas Bowling tomorrow morning so better get it out of the way first!

Tomorrow is another day! Good job really!!

Bitter sweet

This evening, unprompted:

Y - "I might be getting my Christmas bonus soon"
Me - "What Christmas bonus"
Y - "For EMA"
Me - Oh right, didn't realise you got a Christmas bonus
Y - Yeah, £100 I think
Me - Oh, okay
Y - So if you're really strapped, then you can use that

I'm proud that he's such a good and thoughtful boy, but also guilty that at 16 he should even have to worry about whether I can make ends meet! My kids shouldn't have to be party to that.

Browsing

I came across this little gem today - very true!

Message to the universe

Dear Universe,
I appreciate that I cannot be expected to understand the weird and wonderful cosmic cycle of yourself, and I'm willing to appreciate that 'all things happen for a reason', 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger', 'life is a lesson' and all the other sayings that imply there is a great and defined purpose within the daily goings on of everyday folk.

I'm also willing to acknowledge that as far as you are concerned there are probably far more pressing, and far more important things for you to ensure are in their rightful place for their rightful purpose.

However, I would like to put in a request that just this once my, admittedly minor and unimportant, desire to be given a break please be acknowledged and actioned.

I accept I may not have paid due deference to the greatness of oneself, and that I may have, on occasion, paid little heed to the emotions of other fellow human beings, however I would like to submit the proposal that my karmic relationship dues must surely have been paid in full by now. I cannot have my one true love, and I'm willing to reluctant accept this outcome must be part of some great plan of yours, however, I would respectfully submit that any learning intended from the last 4 years of emotional turmoil and angst is likely to have been taken on board by now, or if not, then never will be.

As such, I would be most appreciative if you could take a little time out of your schedule to just give me a fucking break, and let me have this one, tiny, tiny, fucking thing!

Yours sincerely,
Ordinary Girl

Ghosts

Despite spending the entire day yesterday with thoughts of JB running wild through my head (to the extent of even prompting the typical girly behaviour of checking horoscope compatibilities!), it seems my subconcious has something different to say on the matter, as it was DM who crept unbidden and unexpected into my dreams last night, and I awoke this morning with the sense of him so vivid in my mind I almost believed I could roll over and touch him.

Get a grip

I cannot stop thinking about JB - I really, really need to get a grip!

Mellow

The house is tidy, the kids are amusing themselves, the roast chicken and trimmings is cooking, the ipod is on, what more could a girl ask for?


Well, to stop thinking about fucking JB might be a bonus!

Time for bed

Have just got in from a night out at Jamie's boyfriends house, in birthday celebration. Was a pretty good night, although there weren't that many people there, and I didn't even manage to get there until 10.30pm so the party was well underway. Was nice to catch up with a few folks, have a couple of drinks, enjoy some dancing and singing and talking - after all, what else are parties for?

What was interesting was that Jamie and Bea don't usually get on, despite the fact that they are the same star sign, both extremely delusional about how they see themselves, and actually incredibly similar! However, as Bea is an old friend of the new boyfriend (who she also had a little dalliance with earlier this year - though it never progressed to physical) they were both there last night, and seemed to have bonded fabulously. Which makes my job of trying to peace keep or organise events with the two of them there much easier!

What would be the harm...

... to feel my spirit calm?

Lady luck

If I ever needed to rely on Lady Luck, it's now. I soooo need to win the lottery tonight - even just a grand would see me right! I'm overdrawn (as in over my overdraft!) on 2 of my bank accounts - which gives them licence to screw me with bank charges, making the situation worse - my credit cards are at their limit, I'm just about to write a cheque for X and Y's bowling which I pray won't get cashed straight away, or will bounce or charge me again, and I have access to £10 in cash until Thursday - which I need to spend on ensuring the kids get fed this week!

I really, really need a windfall somehow.

It's Cold Outside

And now, to improve the evening even further, I'm a glass of dessert wine down and this little gem is playing on the music channel on TV, which I just adore! I don't care what anybody says - this summarises the British Christmas to me - and bring on the rain, the fog, the wind, the frost, the snow, because Christmas just isn't Christmas unless it's cold outside!!

Funny old day

Today has been one of the worst, and also one of the best days (well not quite one of the best, but you get the idea!)

I spent the morning sitting in on the Judge's summing up of a rape trial against one of our clients from work. A colleague has been sitting in, and supporting the client and her mum for the past two days, but couldn't attend today so myself and a different colleague went instead. It's been a difficult week really, not least to sit in the public gallery and learn that he his previous 3 accusations and trials of the exact same offence against 3 other women, which is information ruled to not be appropriate to share with the jury. The trial has been extremely difficult for her, as any rape trial is, and of course compounded by the fact she is a street sex worker especially trying. That said, for once, at least, it was investigated and prosecuted thoroughly and she didnt get too hard a time of it in the stand, presenting herself incredibly well and very clearly, with several witnesses, including police and ambulance immediately after the event supporting how distressed she was and that she had injuries. He, on the other hand, gave completing conflicting and implausible evidence. The defence was reasonably feeble, and in his summing up the Judge, in our opinion, seemed to definitely favour her testimony. So, after summing up we left the court and awaited the verdict.

Several hours later, whilst in a meeting, I get a text to say "Not guilty!!". I have to say, I was speechless, genuinely stunned to be honest, and also completely gutted - as we all are. God only knows how she and her mum will be feeling!! It has been a completely, completely disheartening experience. We spend so much time trying to encourage women to report offences, and I even go and deliver training to Detective Sergeants and Detective Inspectors on treating sex workers as victims so to have an incident get to the point of getting to trial, only for that outcome is just so so disappointing. I think we all left work this evening more sombre than we've been in a long time. For us, for our client, and for the next victim of an obvious serial sex offender.

I just wanted to get home, put my feet up, drink a bottle of wine and forget about the day not to mention the fact that I have a 3000 word MA research assignment due on Wednesday, already with a weeks extension. However, X had a school disco I had promised her she could attend, so I dragged myself out, after a quick dinner, at 6.30pm to drop her and her friend off.

I was just driving away when I spotted JB, an old male friend that I must have known for 20 years! We have always been friends, who had a brief one night fling years ago - I think even before I had X, though it may have been after, and have continued in much the same way regardless of this. I don't see him very often, in fact I think the last time was some time in the summer, again at school, as his youngest goes to school with X, but we do catch up on facebook reasonably frequently. He is always a great person to see as he is just simply lovely, and will always say how nice I look and that I'm great, etc etc. Just a real feel good person to run into, with always just a hint of potential. I know the last time I saw him I definitely felt that something more physical was a possibility from my side, though I would never go out of my way to pursue it with him. Its just one of those things.

So, I pulled over and he hopped in the car for a quick word, and after 10 mins I said sod this, lets just go to the pub (he was going back to until the disco finished anyway) and have a few drinks and a catch up. So thats what we did. And it was just lovely to see him. We chatted about random past stuff, random current stuff, and a few cheeky comments about how come we never got together before going back to get the respective kids and I took them home. As he went to go we did the obligatory hug - he is a fabulous hugger, a real bear hug kind of guy - and a kiss on the cheek, with promises to catch up soon, etc. No different from the normal times we catch up, where we always promise to catch up soon and invariably never do until we randomly bump into each other again.

But, just as he went to go he kissed me. Nothing overtly sexual, no tongues or anything like that, but full on the mouth, with a tiny hint of open, for a good 3 seconds. It was odd, it was unexpected, but it was so incredibly nice. I keep pursing my lips at the memory and smiling to myself. It may go nowhere, as usual, and I am sure I will be absolutely fine with that, but nonetheless it was one of the nicest, if briefest, experiences I have had just lately. And my day, whilst all the crap has not been forgotten, is now ending on a very different note.

Justice

Today has been a very bad day. Justitia has not been served.

Damn and bugger!

Haven't been to archery for the last two Mondays because Y was too tired this Monday and I didn't feel well the Monday before, so, I was planning a last little cheeky flirt with Robin this Monday, before Christmas, and to suss out any Christmas plans that would indicate wives, girlfriends, etc.

I've just had an email from the club leader to say there is no archery for the next 2 Mondays, and they start back 4th January! Bugger bugger bugger! That's that plan foiled then!

Drunken bum

I apologise for any rambling posts over the weekend - I managed to get myself pissed, by myself, on 3 glasses of 15% dessert wine on Friday night and didn't get to bed until 2am, followed by my birthday pyjama party on Saturday, where accompanied by Lily, Disco, Suze and Jamie I proceeded to drink much more wine before falling into bed approximately 4am. In fact, as I'm typing this I can see the huge bags under my eyes reflected in the monitor!

So, to catch up briefly, had a night out to a Northern Soul and Funk night the Friday before last, where much stupid dancing was done, alongside laughing with the girls, and catching up with some old faces I haven't seen in a long time, which is always nice. So that, combined with this weekend of late nights, plus plans for a party Saturday night, followed by a night out next Friday, my social life is looking up but my pockets are looking emptier and my face is looking tireder. Never mind, I suppose I should make the most of the offers while they come.

Money has not been helped by the fact that Christmas is fast rolling round, which I absolutely love, and after 4 years, finally doesn't feel marred by the DM situation. I am having the family to me this year, for the first time, so there will be Little Sis and hubby staying Christmas Eve again, which was lovely last year, and then we will be joined by my Mum and Littlest Brother on Christmas Day - where hopefully my Mum will make sure we manage to eat an edible Christmas dinner!! For the first time ever, I think, I am really organised this year - nearly all my presents are bought, some of them wrapped, and I even have my food ordered online for delivery on 22nd December! I am feeling very smug about it all - though have to admit it's more need than planning, as I just don't have the disposable income to leave it all to the last minute like I usually do.

Not only is Christmas impacting, but maintenance from Y's dad has stopped completely, and for the foreseeable future as he has just been diagnosed with Schizophrenia at the grand old age of 40, and been sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I've had to tell Y, who is always backward at coming forward at the best of times, which has been awful, and we're just trying to make it a normality - because I'm assuming this is likely to be an ongoing issue that needs to become part of his life, and mine by default. I'm also trying to ignore the paranoia about how such things run in the family, and take faith in the fact that there is no other mental illness in his family and that they believe this has been brought on by long term alcohol dependency, which hopefully my Y will avoid! On top of that, my poor boy has A Level exams in January, in at least 3 of his 4 subjects, and he is struggling with that - so I guess the next month or two are not going to be easy going!

On the bright side, I am off for nearly a fortnight over Christmas, and I just can't wait!!

Different strokes

I sometimes wonder how I would be if I'd been born as an Indian. I wonder if I would appreciate the constraints the culture brings, and whether it makes things easier in some ways - I wonder if too much choice, and over expectations will always be my downfall. I think you would never be alone.

Tidy

The new series of Gavin and Stacey just gets better and better. Hilarious!

Anniversaries and milestones

Today is also my 4 year break up anniversary with DM - and yes, although the pangs are still there some days, the time between them gradually gets greater and greater, and whilst if I'm completely honest he remains my birthday wish, I can honestly say that the anniversary is second to the birthday these days - even if not forgotten entirely! Maybe one day.

Plus, its been almost 5 months without any contact - which is getting on to be a record I think!

Another year older!

Have somehow managed to reach the grand old age of 38! Not quite sure how that happened...

Bits and pieces

Well, a week or two seems to have shot by in no time at all. It is so easy to get out of the habit of blogging - I must be sure not to let it lapse! Although, after saying that I am going to blog and run.

So, things to catch up on the next time I am here...

Robin (don't get too excited, not much to say!)
Y's dad, who has just been sectioned with Scizophrenia!
Night out Friday - again nothing too fabulous!
Research assignment due, and stress building!
Birthday plans!

Sneaky

I am at Uni - theoretically studying for seminar this afternoon. Surreptitiously doing no such thing.

Am very bored!

The quest continues - pt 5

So, finally there, the last section of all - extraversion (outgoing or reserved)...

When it comes to Extraversion you are:
SOMETIMES OUTGOING, SOMETIMES RESERVED

Words that describe you:
•Moderate
•Amiable
•Laid-back
•Temperate
•Relaxed
•Poised
•Civil
•Uncommitted
•Pleasant

A general description of how you interact with others:
Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favourite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanour will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

Negative reactions others may have toward you:
You may occasionally run into problems with other people. Since not everyone is as balanced as you are, close friends and family may get frustrated with you, or you with them. They may be more sociable and outgoing, and find you too laid-back and relaxed. They want conversations to be lively and passionate while you keep things amiable and civil. Or others may be more quiet and reserved than you, and when you're in one of your more animated moments they may wish you would back off. You may be ready to put more energy into a conversation than they are comfortable with.

And your balance may be a problem. Other people may be consistently more sociable or more reserved than you, and find you to hard to read, some may even say you ride the fence. Others may find themselves envious of your ability to be outgoing at times, and at other times comfortably reserved. If you pay attention to pick up these cues you will be in a better position to know how you want to interact with such folks.

Positive responses others may have toward you:
Most people will truly appreciate your flexibility in social situations. They will like you for your amiable warmth and your willingness to engage, and for your ability to sit back and let others take the lead or the spotlight. They will appreciate ways in which you temper what could become intemperate moments; by remaining poised and relaxed when others; temperatures are rising, you keep things civil and sane.

You are as good at listening and following as you are at talking and leading, and people will often appreciate your ability to adapt to the situation. Because you are sometimes outgoing and sometimes reserved, you will make most people comfortable in your presence, and they will truly enjoy your company.

Interesting! I was expecting this one to be the most clear cut, and yet, it surprised me. I'm not too sure I agree with it in it's entirety, though I think I have calmed down in the last few years, and undoubtedly enjoy my own company at times. That said, I don't believe I'm as good at listening as at talking, or that I will calm the proceedings. Perhaps I will dwell a little more on this and get back to you!

The quest continues - pt 4

On to the penultimate section, conscientousness (focused or flexible)...

Your approach toward your obligations is:
FLEXIBLE

Words that describe you:
•Spontaneous
•Intuitive
•Perceptive
•Natural
•Somewhat Disorganised
•Unpredictable At Times

A general description of how you interact with others:
When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organise the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organisation. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to manoeuvre. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organised approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

Negative reactions others may have toward you:
People may have problems with your style for two reasons. First, you don't always follow the rules or go along with detailed plans, whether at work or at home. Those who need the details to stay on task just don't quite understand how you are going to get it all done. Second, while you get things done - the way you veer off course at times and use your creativity may leave others wondering what went on. Some people find all this creativity and thinking "out-of-the-box" at odds with their desire to follow a clear course. And this causes not only some confusion it may also spark some anger toward you at times. Even you would likely admit that living and working with you takes someone who is able to let you do your thing at times. If someone is really tied to a rigid approach to how things should get done, there is clearly the potential for some conflict with you.

Every workplace and home does need a modicum of reliability and a decent amount or order and organisation if it is to accommodate the mix of people who work or live there. That leads to a serious question for you: Are there times when your creative, though at times unpredictable, style keeps others off balance? Are there some plans that should be sacred, some space always well organised, some charts left as designed? Are there are some things you could change that would allow those who live and work with you to feel more in control; changes that wouldn't impinge on your creative processes? If others are finding your style to be difficult to deal with you may want to consider how you can all work together most efficiently.

Positive responses others may have toward you:
The truth is that your work style gets things done, often with more beauty, fun, creativity and imagination than others could ever manage. But your style is very unique to you. Flexibility is essential to your style. With your creativity and flexibility the path you take to any goal can make everyone's accomplishments more inventive and enjoyable. Bringing some extra enjoyment to people's work can be a real asset; one you may want to use more consciously.

Deep down inside there's also another truth you should consider. A lot of people wish they had some of whatever it is that you've got. They get so bogged down reading the committee notes or checking the project calendar that they seldom just cut loose and let their impulses run. They neglect their intuition to the point that it barely whispers - that is, until you come along with yours shouting out loud and remind everyone in the room that there's something to listen to besides the original plan and the orderly, organised path laid out to get there. So not only do you enhance the accomplishments of the group, you also enhance the lives of each member willing to find in themselves the spontaneity that is your trademark personal characteristic.

Back to spot on again it seems - I would agree with pretty much all of this, and it's only been the last few weeks that I've really thought about how much flexibility and spontaneity I need to function fully and happily. See, the joys of learning...

Memories

I have just spent the last hour or so uploading photos from my phone etc and organising them on my laptop as well as posting them on my facebook. It's great to look back but sometimes it makes me sad - especially looking at my vegas photos. I want to go to Vegas again! Now please.

The quest continues - pt 3

Yes, there is more. I am still loving this, and in fact, if I had the money I would be whipping myself down to some kind of psychoanalyst to learn even more!

So, we've done agreeability, openness, and now we have... emotional stability!

On emotional stability you are:
SOMETIMES STEADY, SOMETIMES RESPONSIVE

Words that describe you:
•Adaptable
•Engaged
•Able to Cope
•Passionate
•Perceptive
•Flexible
•Receptive
•Aware
•Avid

A general description of your reactivity:
In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself.

All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

Negative reactions others may have toward you:
When it comes to dealing with emotions we all meet some people with whom we don't match well. You bring a balanced approach to your emotional life. As such, those who are at the extremes are most likely to have a negative reaction to you. Those who live in their emotions may feel you tend to "live in your head" while those who go through life as an emotional rock may feel that you are a bit too "touchy feely" for their approach.

And of course it is always possible that because you do balance your emotional approach to life you may misread others - we all do at times. So there have undoubtedly been those times when you have misread cues and stayed in your head with someone who hoped for a more open emotional approach or you may have opened up emotionally with someone who keeps their emotions bottled up. But these things happen and since you do have a good balance of being in touch with your emotions and not being overly impacted by emotional swings, you undoubtedly are able to adapt.

Another potential problem is that as people get to know you well, they will discover that you have a great balance between emotional expression and emotional control. If they don't have this balance they may wind up envying you. They can't express feelings as well as you, or they are too often out of emotional control and resent you for your ability to cope so well with the very emotions that may trip them up.

Positive responses others may have toward you:
Many people will be grateful to find a friend like you who can stay in control when emotions verge on chaos, but who can also go into the tangle of emotions when it is safe and appropriate to do so. Because of your ability to engage them at whatever level they are comfortable, to adapt to whatever changes in emotion emerge in the conversation, and to cope so well with all of it - well, they'll be very glad they found a person like you. You may, in fact, wind up as something of an emotional mentor. Your awareness of the emotional temperature of a situation, your ability to adapt to either heat or cold, and your ability to cope with whatever winds up happening in the conversation could be models for them to follow as they come to terms with their own emotional worlds.

Aha, at last, I am not so sure this is a perfect fit. Not saying that it is completely out of the box - though the last paragraph probably is, but that it isn't instantly recognisable to me! I shall have to consult those who know me for comment!

Tired

I am getting so old! I just can't handle the late nights like I used to.

Had a great time with Disco and friends last night, started off in one pub for a while for lots of chatter, before the majority of us moved on to more of a towny place for more drinking and dancing. I'm not a great lover of the typical town centre pub/club, but if I'm in the mood then I can pretty much deal with anything and I was quite up for a night out last night so all was good with me. The fact that Disco's brother was there and looking particularly hot also helped the night fly by - though nothing more than looking, a. he has a girlfriend, and b. he is Disco's brother! That would just be too, too weird. Oh and c. I think he's only 30.

So, after not leaving the pub til 3.30am, and then dropping off Mrs Smiler and another mutual friend, it was 4am by the time I got in, which meant I pretty much headed straight for my bed, where fortunately I was able to remain until lunchtime today, as X was at her dad's last night.

That said, I'm flaggging again now, and feel the need to settle down on the sofa for a while - after a quick trip to the shop for some medicinal chocolate...!

The quest continues - pt 2

Ooh, on to more. So, yesterday was Agreeableness, today we have Openess (curious or contented) to throw into the mix...

On the Openness dimension you are:
SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT

Words that describe you:
•Accepting
•Flexible
•Educated
•Self-aware
•Middle-of-the-road
•Proper
•Distinctive
•Indecisive
•Adaptable

How you approach new information and experiences:
Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

Negative reactions others may have toward your style of thinking:
Not everyone will be thrilled by your flexible, middle-of-the-road ways of thinking and believing. A few people are so taken with flights of imagination into whatever is new that they might find your commitment to long-standing values and beliefs too confining, if not too boring. Oh well; so be it. They'll just have to be in free-flight without you.

Others are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well; they're not excited by the prospect of moving on. And some people are afraid of new ways of thinking because they are somewhat fragile; they have trouble maintaining their current worlds and don't want someone like you, for instance pushing out the edges of their intellectual cosmos. So don't be surprised if your solid values sometimes make people distrust you as an explorer, or if your flexible and open mind sometimes gets you criticized by people who walk away from the very same explorations that you find refreshing.

Positive responses others may have toward you:
Many others will find you trustworthy and therefore an attractive companion on the intellectual journey. They will appreciate the combination in you of open-mindedness and a commitment to the tried-and-true. In an intellectual climate sometimes dominated by the extremes of either wild innovation or dug-in traditionalism, your moderate views and your proper acceptance of a wide range of possibilities will be a distinctive and refreshing quality. Because you join your curiosity to strong foundational ideas and beliefs and practical solutions to problems, people will trust your occasional explorations into new territories to be reliable, and not "something new for newness sake".

You are accepting of others, flexible in your own intellectual commitments, well-informed in areas that matter to you, and comfortably aware of who you are and where you stand. This combination will make you a desirable companion on the intellectual journey for many, many people.

Hmm, I'm agreeing so far - I wasn't sure 'middle of the road' was what I would have described myself as, but the wider bumph makes absolute sense. I must go and absorb...

Venturing out

Well I'm off out tonight, venturing out into the continuing wind and rain, to catch up with Disco and a few friends in nearby town. It is Disco's birthday celebration but I'm not sure how celebratory she will be as she has just split up with her boyfriend so not at her best. I'm surprised at how up for it I'm feeling to be honest, usually I think I'll go and then as it gets nearer I get quite "can't be bothered" about the whole thing, but tonight I'm good to go.

Talking of which, better get those hair straighteners on!

Memory

I wish I could forget. About him.

Don't You Forget About Me

Right, I really, really must go to bed - only because I have to be up for bowling in the morning - I am feeling SO unsleepy!! Have just heard this on the telly though, and haven't heard it for years so must post it for prosperity.

This will definitely be the last one tonight!



If only you could, eh...?

Rockstar

I would love to be a big rock star, but alas, due to a really bad voice, no sense of rythm and being tone deaf, it is highly unlikely! At least, on insomniac nights such as these, I know I'm not alone...

Howling

The wind is howling a gale outside and there is something so satisfying about being inside and hearing the wind roaring outside!

The quest continues - pt 1

Oooh, ooh, ooh! Have just signed up to eharmony, mainly for nosiness sake rather than an real desire to meet men - which is a good job as they have no matches for me because apparently my perameters are too tight or some such nonsense - but, how fabulous that they do all this personality profiling stuff which I'm just loving!! And it does seem very accurate to be fair. Here is the first bit, which is around

Agreeability (taking care of others or taking care of yourself)...

You are best described as:
CONSISTENTLY TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF

Words that describe you:
•Uncompromising
•Frank
•Astute
•Critical
•Empirical
•Tough
•Discerning
•Sceptical
•Shrewd

Interaction with others:
When someone needs your help or wants you to do something you think before you act. See, at heart you believe deeply in personal freedom and individual responsibility. You think it is vital that people learn to take care of themselves so that they don't become dependent upon others. You believe that actions have consequences, and people need to accept the consequences of their actions if they are to learn from their mistakes and grow. You believe you wouldn't be doing anyone a favour if you lift someone out of trouble; they will never learn to lift themselves up if you keep rescuing them. And if you keep giving people a second, third or fourth chance, you have seen that people seldom develop the character they need to live decent and responsible lives.

You believe that compassion has a role to play in your life, in a structure of values that is encourages people to take care of themselves. Uncritical tenderheartedness does as much harm as good. You much prefer if people understand, in factual, empirical terms, how they got into trouble, and how they can lift themselves out of the mess they are in. In an emergency, of course, you're there to offer help and if someone has helped you out in the past there is no question about your loyalty. But whenever it is realistic, you are convinced people should take care of themselves.

Along with this you devote adequate time to taking care of your own needs and wants, in part because it makes you happy with your life and in part because that's what you truly believe every person should do. You cherish personal independence for yourself and others. Fostering such independence is the best way you find there is to love and care for others.

Negative reactions others may have:
Your emphasis on personal independence and personal responsibility may seem to lack in compassion to some people. Undoubtedly you have encountered people who feel this way toward you. And some may find you to be rather selfish. You do stay focused on your own life, take responsibility for your own problems, and are not always moved by situations in which some people think some action is required. That is part of you and your basic beliefs about life. And some people will inevitably want you to be different, but that is simply not who you are.

Positive responses others may have:
You're true to your beliefs and you hold yourself to the same expectations as you do with others. You are critical and tough with yourself, which gives you a consistency when you are critical and tough with others. And even when others don't agree with you, people are likely to admire your frankness. You say what you believe, even if what you believe runs counter to the motives and beliefs of others.

And you keep reminding people of two things that few people can argue with, even if they don't believe in them with your single-mindedness. Personal independence and personal responsibility matter to most people, and even the very compassionate admit that sometimes their hearts get in the way of what their heads know, which is to say that people should take care of themselves whenever they are able to do so. You remind people of this, in the honest way you live your own life and in the ways in which you respond, and don't respond, to other people.

All so true! All so fabulous! Loving, loving, loving it!!!!

Against All Odds

One more for the road...

Thank you for the music

The musical mood continues so I think I'm off to bed with my ipod! Night.

I'll Stand By You

Another great, great tune...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maAyfcO-X3k

Stupid bloody Youtube won't let me paste the embedding properly! Damn thing!!

Pictures of You

I'm feeling a little musical at the moment, and this is an oldie but oh so goodie...

Fed and watered

Am home - too much food and too much wine. Now feel far too full and getting my boots off was an effort. Had lovely time though - helped by very cute waiter - even though I wasnt allowed to go out fag hagging with Mick after dinner. Probably a wise decision in hindsight.

Must go to bed now.

School night

Yay, I am off out for dinner tonight - and on a school night as well. Am meeting Mick for some food and gossip and he is driving so I may even indulge in a few glasses of wine as well. Besides, he is bound to pay. Yay Mick!

Brrrr!

It is sooooo cold! Winter is coming it seems. Although it's great to be inside in your pj's on these cold winter nights - I am seriously getting so old!

Nothing much to report at present - everything seems pretty level at the moment, and much as I love the excitement of life (if only!) I'm learning to appreciate the calm times.

No man news - which is fine by me to be honest, and work is not too bad - though I can sense challenges ahead. At least for the moment, the few difficult situations that I've recently been in have been resolved and I've had enough breathing space to take a deep breath and ready myself for the challenges ahead.

Life is blah, but in a good way!

Diversion

Before I get too caught up in days of soul searching on the quest for the truth about OG I thought I had better post a quick update regarding Robin. Unfortunately, he was not there this Monday - I am hoping it was nothing to do with Y's illness the weekend before! - and most annoyingly there is no archery next Monday, so grrr no developments as yet and none possible for the immediate future. Good job I have the self indulgence of ME to keep me occupied!

MBTI ENTP

For the sake of prosperity and future reference (as I will no doubt lose the paper copy!), the wonderful world of OG according to Myers Briggs:

ENTP - Extroversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perceiving
Energetic, brash, witty, original, ENTPs want to be where the action is, but on their terms. ENTPs may need to be aware of unintentionally bruising the feelings of others through their love of argument and of having the last word.

Overiding need:
To be right and to be first.

Seen by others:
As articulate, funny, forceful; can be abrasive and competitive.

Sees self:
As ruthlessly honest; always ready to mock own absurdities.

Works best:
With intelligent people willing to have a go; with other experts in their field who need little day to day direction.

Works least well:
With people who like the traditional ways of doing things or who need to have everything spelt out and be shown what to do.

As team member:
Contributes best at initial stage of project; offers analytical insights, enthusiasm, energy.

Leads by:
Challenging conventional wisdon; believing that the impossible is within reach; persuading, bullying, cajoling; ignoring 'silly' bureaucratic rules; being generous with praise for good work; assuming they are merely first among equals. Needs support of others to cope with practical detail.

Ideal organisation:
Gives maximum independence with emphasis on novelty, creative experiment, frank discussion and the exchange of ideas.

Ideal boss:
Has similar background; trusts the ENTP's judgement; willing to have lively exchange of ideas on equal footing; gets resources needed and copes with the bureaucracy.

In relationships:
Offers fun, surprise and drama; knows he or she needs people, sensitive to being ignored, but also needs to guard the inner, private person; finds it hard to express vulnerability - may cover up with humour.

Makes mistakes:
When blunt speaking gets out of hand; when having to cope with routine.

Decides:
Quickly on the basis of future possibilities; may change his or her mind equally rapidly if a new idea catches the fancy, so may sometimes seem inconsistent.

Sees change:
As what life is all about; welcomes it may sometimes overlook the need for practical implementation.

Thinks:
Broadly and strategically; attracted to grand ideas and theoretical models.

Communicates:
By thinking out loud; discussion and debate are prime tools; confident, racy performer in public; may not be so good at listening - may interrupt unwisely.

Irritated by:
Stodginess, lack of rationality; people who use silence as a weapon; people who don't try.

Irritates by:
Wanting the last word; regarding tidiness as an over-rated virtue (this is completely not me - I am insanely tidy!); seeking the limelight too often; being late.

As a parent:
Contributes unpredictability and fun (I never feel as if I'm a fun parent - maybe that is the constraints of single parenthood, finances, time, etc); teaches children the importance of self-sufficiency and learning.

Relaxation:
Work is play and play is work; juggling the two is in itself enjoyable.

Under stress:
Steps up the workload; gets argumentative; succumbs to hypochondria; has tantrums; feels unloved and unlovable; withdraws from others; neglects self.

*Taken from Sixteen Personality Types - At Work in Organisations (Jenny Rogers)

I would really like to find out more detail about the relationships aspect of my personality type, particularly in terms of relationships in the standard sense, but also with regard to my parenting, and think this would be really useful to help me understand myself. After all, knowledge is power, so let the search for personal learning continue...

The other side

I am sure you will be pleased to know I am out the other side of the recent funk, I think! Today has been a good day! Bridey has finally had her baby, after 4 days of labour and much yukky trauma, but baby is here now, Bridey is recovering and all is well - will hopefully get to see them both on Saturday!

I have had some difficulties at work recently - a completely unexpected, unpredictable and impossible to manage situation which has had a real impact on a key member of staff and will result in my recent addition being removed from the team shortly after starting. Despite this, I've felt really supported by my line management, and although there are still difficulties to face, namely the gap that will be left in an already small team, at least a decision has been reached and the current situation ended!

I am currently doing a team leader course, 5 days spread out over 4 months, and today we did a lot of work on personality types using the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, which I thoroughly enjoyed, was really enlightening and was a day much needed after the recent work events. I found it so interesting to see that my "type" is pretty much 100% accurate, and what was most interesting is that although I struggled to categorise myself in a couple of areas (Sensing v iNtuition, and Thinking v Feeling if you're interested), what came out of the afternoon was that I'm a definite Thinker as oppose to Feeler, and even more interesting is that other people in the group said it was very clear to them that I was a Thinker. I really think I know myself well so am always pleased to discover additional facets to my personality, or to view myself in a different way. Food for thought (yes, ironic considering) indeed!

This piece of information has also made me spend some time reflecting on my personal situation in recent years, and helps to explain to me how I have struggled so much to make sense of the situation. Although it hasn't helped me to rationalise the events, or more importantly my emotions and reactions to these, I guess it has given me a little peace that it is in my nature to have that need to rationalise, and I need to examine how I find the way forward with this knowledge. Particularly as I'm aware that emotions are feelings not thoughts, and that rationalising emotions isn't always possible - though it would appear to be what I need to do. I don't know but it's been a reflective and interesting day!

Feels

Some tattoo work is in order...

Sad

Fed up today!

Angry

I fucking hate banks, wanker fathers and fucking money!! I am so fucking sick of never catching up!!!

Impatient

I am so impatient for Bridey to have her baby - don't know why! I'm certainly not broody and can't see me ever having another child, in any way, shape or form, but I'm really looking forward to her little one arriving. It's probably the ability to go over and ooh and aah and cuddle and then bugger off - perfect parenting :-)

She's been in labour since yesterday, and went to the hospital today for a check, but is not having strong enough contractions so has gone home again, and will hopefully need to go back again tonight and the deed will be done by the end of tomorrow! Her son, who is 8, has been here since yesterday evening, planned anyway so that he could come trick or treating with us and then sleep over. The plan was that he would go home today and Bridey would cook a lovely Sunday dinner for us all, however, that's all changed and he is still here! Fortunately he doesn't have school tomorrow (they live bout 17 miles from us) - much to X's disgust as she has to go! - and I can wriggle work if need be, so fingers crossed there is a new arrival this evening!!

Pie crust promises...

..easily made, easily broken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy8JFSOMpLs

Even though, I guess, somewhere deep down, I'm still waiting.

Insomnia

Sleep doesn't feel likely this evening.

Too much longing, of too many kinds.

I Remember You

"I remember you,
You're the one that made my dreams come true, a few kisses ago.

I remember you,
You're the one who said "I love you too, I do, didn't you know"?

I remember too,
A distant bell, and stars that fell, like rain out of the blue.

When my life is through, and the angels ask me to recall,
The thrill of them all.

Then I shall tell them,
I remember you."

The untold

The other problem with this 'time of the month' is that the normal control I have of other emotions goes to pot - especially where he is concerned.

Still, reigning it in and supressing successfully (mostly) for 25 days a month is progress I guess!

Nocturnal naughtiness

God damn time of the month! I am so horny this evening!!

I have had several rather pleasant, though equally a tad strange, dreams - involving various (known and unknown) men the last few nights, which must have been the lead up to monthly horn - nothing specific or really raunchy, but pleasant enough that I've woken in the morning with a lingering of kisses in my mind and that desperation to shut my eyes and recapture the sleepy moment.

Tonight, the subtle might not cut it!

Get me!

I spent today schmoozing with a particular female Shadow Minister who came to visit my service - oh I am so fabulous!! :-)

Ooops

Well, so much for my plan to wheedle out some further information from Robin this Monday. We arrived as usual, sat down and a short while later he arrived. Unfortunately there was no little space on the end of our bench for him to lurk this week but we had some chit chat as he was shooting so all was going well.

About half way through Y suddenly tells me that he feels a bit "buggy"! However, he reassured me that he was fine and wanted to carry on. A short while later he comes over and asks where the toilets are, and I send him speedily on his way with X to show him where. A minute later she comes back and says Y has been sick - and unfortunately, he didnt make it to the toilet!!

So instead of some mild flirting and information gathering, I spent the next 20minutes clearing up a regurgitated pasta riddled pile of vomit with nothing more than 3 tonnes of toilet tissues, a black bin liner, an empty waste paper basket filled with water and handwash and a broom! Nice!!

Roll on next week...

Riding through the glen...

Whilst at archery last Monday I got chatting to a rather nice young (well not that young, but nonetheless) man, who in the spirit of things shall hence be named Robin!

He was sat next to us while we were waiting and it transpires he has been going to the club for a few months, so is no longer a beginner, and although he is far from my usual type, both in build and looks, as the evening progressed I found myself thinking "actually, that man is not that bad looking!", and there was a definite something about him that I found really attractive. He has an incredibly dry sense of humour, was friendly without being creepy or puppy, and was willing to put up with X's constant chatter and questions (including how much is that bow... over £1000!). He did say he didn't usually come that early, but usually waited until the beginners had finished, so I didn't expect to see him again this week. Unfortunately.

However... lo and behold, we had only been there a few minutes tonight, and X (who has taken a shine to him and was saying before we went "I hope that man is there this week") said he was here. After a few minutes or so he asked us to budge up and sat on the end of the bench next to X, who was next to me. And I was definitely pleased to see him and thought, again, there is definitely something about him. (He'd had a haircut as well - I wonder if coincidentally!).

So, we chit chatted a bit more and I have managed to deduce the following:
He works for Nissan, designing cars (or bits of cars at least).
He has a 24yr old daughter.

Not much I know - I don't even know his name so we are calling him Robin in real life as well - but a start. He's obviously smart and well off if his archery equipment is to go by, and I would age him early to mid 40's, but who knows. I did manage to drop a few things in the convo, such as my age, and most importantly that Y lives with just X and me, so no other men in the house, and also my work, by accident more than by design.

As we left, he did say "see you next week", so... roll on next Monday!

Growing up

I went round to see Meg last night, just for a bit of a natter and gossip as I haven't seen her for ages. I got there to find that one of Mr Meg's mates, DJ, was there, who I know from years and years ago and haven't actually seen for years. We used to knock about around the town before I had Y so it was completely random to bump into him almost 2o yrs later! Whilst it was nice to see him, he literally hasn't changed at all - very much the epitomy of the cheeky chappy, and whilst that might seem a good thing, in fact, it got me to thinking that it's all a bit sad to still be the same person, doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts, drinking the same drinks, twenty years later. Perhaps I've grown up more than I thought the last few years!

Though not so grown up that I'm not going to enjoy spending all day in my pyjamas - just because I can!

Farewell Bridey

Yesterday was The Bride's last day at work before she heads off to have a baby in 3 weeks, so last night X went to sleep at Lily's, and the evening saw the gaggle of us in a gorgeous Italian restaurant in the town where I work, with piles of fabulous food loaded onto the table. Unfortunately I wasn't feeling well, so I had a tomato and onion salad and ate only a handful of that, plus a taste of CJ's monkfish - most annoying when everything looked so good! On the bright side though, it did mean my meal only cost me a fiver, which is good as it meant I had a whole £15 for shopping today!!

It was a good night, and everybody had a good time, but I am very sad to be losing her for 9 months (assuming I am still there when she comes back in July!). She has really been my rock in the last 3 years I've been there, and is such a strong, supportive and knowledgeable member of the team that we will all feel her absence. It just won't be the same without her.

That said, I will definitely be seeing lots of her, as I already do out of work - particularly as her son is a year younger than X so we share a lot of holiday childcare, that and she's always willing to cook sunday dinner for us all, being one of these people that can't sit still for more than 15 minutes! Regardless of work, I am sure she will always be a good friend of mine, and at my age, that is something to be grateful for!

Thy Will is done

Well, I finally had my date with Will yesterday lunchtime!

In my usually organised fashion I had emailed him a week or so ago and suggested Thursday lunchtime as my best 'window' and then promptly forgot about it! I had a couple of passing thoughts that he hadn't emailed again to say yes that's fine, or why haven't you rang/emailed back, but that was the extent of the time given over to the event. Wednesday evening, about 9.30pm, it suddenly dawned on me that Thursday was tomorrow and I had not rang or confirmed, so about 9.45pm I rang to speak to him.

We only spent a few minutes on the phone, and it very much followed the pattern of our email contact - pleasant, but nothing really exciting. So, come the designated time, I toddled off to meet him feeling rather blase about it all, which is probably a good thing as it's the first date I've been on in about 3 years I think (which is so hard to believe!!).

And, while I would love to say that in person everything clicked into place, unfortunately the date followed the same pattern as the email contact and the phone conversation beforehand. It was fine. And that was about it. Fine.

He seems to be a really pleasant bloke, family orientated, solvent, fit, and quite attractive, but he just didn't float my boat I'm afraid, which is pretty much what I expected. I had already been looking at the negatives of him before we met - particularly a 5yr old son (who he spends 4 days with/4 days without), the fact he is only seperated for 7 months, poor grammar/punctuation in emails, and other minimal but equally important factors.

I'm glad I went though, I had a nice time and it's about time I started putting myself out there again. I just need to get rid of the yardstick I subconsciously use to measure up any potential candidates. Easier said than done though!

Pure Morning

Just heard this song for the first time in years, had forgotten how much I absolutely love, love, love it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbHkwrGgsoA

Not to mention that it's pure sex music!!

Drowning

I am so struggling for money right now that it feels like I'm drowning. A never ending cycle of thinking I have sorted things only for something else to come up. I'm so frustrated by it all, and starting to get really, really worried that I'm going to end up drowning in it all.

I need a windfall, just a small one, and bloody quick!

Y

Y has started archery tonight - just a 6 week beginners course, but it's a start. He's always liked archery when we've been to Butlins or such places and he's had a go, but he's never actually wanted to go locally before - I think he's been too shy to be honest. However, he decided over the holidays that he wanted to try it, so after flying home from work, throwing a chip shop dinner down them and leaving 5 minutes later, we arrived just in time.

I think he enjoyed it - he seemed to anyway, though it didn't help that we forgot his glasses! That he needs for long distance sight!! I managed to keep myself amused for an hour by chatting to the archery bloke sat next to me...

In other Y news, he got a trophy in bowling on Saturday for highest scratch game in his league, or some such thing. I know the score was 173! And that it had his own name on it - not just a generic one. So yay for Y! Nice to have some good things to say after his GCSE results...!

Sometimes, only sometimes...

...I wish I was married. Or rather, I wish I believed that marriage was possible for me. Or rather, if I'm completely, and blatantly honest, I wish I was married to him.

I don't think I am a cynical or negative person, though I acknowledge I have my moments, like anybody else, but I think I am a realist. And marriage, it would seem, is not my destiny - if you believe in destiny at all.

I like to think I may find love again, although my gut tells me it probably won't be for another few years yet, and I like to think I won't spend my life alone. But marriage, that I can never truly believe, I can never really, truly imagine for me.

I did believe once, which surprised me, and the very fact that once upon a few years ago I could genuinely see it, after years of never believing that I would, may, perversely, be the problem.

Despite the fact that I never saw myself getting married, and I was just fine with that, I found someone that I knew that I would vow to spend my life with, but as we all know far too well, that didn't exactly pan out for me. So now, instead of feeling that because I've changed my mind once before it may be possible again, instead I feel that because of that I am even less likely to walk down the proverbial aisle. It's difficult to explain, but I guess I promised myself to him, and even though that was nothing more than a promise made to myself, it was more value than any ceremony could have had. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break that promise, regardless of any love that follows.

It's an odd way to feel. And sometimes, only sometimes, it makes me sad.

Wedding alert

I am off to partaaay tonight, after Smiler and his lovely girlfriend became Mr and Mrs Smiler, in Slovenia last friday. I was completely gutted to not be able to go - due purely to money - as I have been to every other wedding in his family with him. However, it looked absolutely beautiful, with boat ride to the chapel, castle on the lake and lovely hotel, so I am so glad that they had a good time. Really twanged with me when I looked at the pictures though, more than I thought it would.

Anyway, they are having an England reception party tonight, for all the poor friends who didnt make the real thing, so I am about to go and beautify myself (well, as much as possible anyway) and then head out. I think I might even take Y with me as well - X is at her daddy's.

Let the paaaartaaaay commence!

Progression

Well, things are progressing, even if it is incredibly slowly, with Will from the t'internet. Communication has continued, via email, throughout the summer holidays, but although it is quite pleasant I can't say I'm absolutely enthralled with any of it - it hasn't got quite the buzz to it that some of my previous email conversations have had, and there are some issues around the amount of time he sees his son that already give me concern. That said, you never know til you try, so it is my tiny step at getting back on the bandwagon I guess!

So, we have agreed a lunch date, not confirmed the day yet, but I've suggested next Thursday, and he has emailed me his number. I will ring him next week and sort for definite. I am a bit reluctant to get too carried away with email or phoning, as I don't want a repeat of RB, where its all super quick chat, super great, and then come to nothing because I change my mind or wig out. Much easier to stick to an even keel, hence why meeting him is probably a good step.

We shall see. In other t'internet news, I have just winked and been winked back at, another potential candidate (victim), Ant, from about 20 miles away. Interestingly, I have now set up 2 different profiles, both me, but one the more bolshy - I'm a size 16, looking for, no messing - without a photo, and another with a photo that is more detailed, but slightly less in your face. I have winked him from both and he has winked back to both, so... he's either interested in both aspects of my personality, or he's a player who will wink at anyone! Again, time will tell... Not that I'm holding my breath though!!

Information highway

The internet is a wonderful place. Full of secret peeks into other people's lives. Information from all over the world. Reassurance of place in a vast and lonely planet. Connections to people we may never meet.

It is also hell. The place where given enough clicks of the fingers, and time on hands, and smart thinking, you can find almost anything at all.

I have spent today looking at wedding photos. They weren't mine.

I shouldn't look. I shouldn't care.

I have. I do.

Chat up lines

I got chatted up by a man at the local post office sorting office while picking up a parcel today. Unfortunately he wouldnt have been somebody I would have considered going out with, but I guess its still flattering.

Now I just need Robbie Williams to get a new job down there...!

Random

Bizarrely I recieved the following text from an unknown number this afternoon...

"Hi babes hows your sex life, there is a space in my bed tonight all u need is your toothbrush babe, just bring u, no night cloths needed."

I have no idea who it was, though if I had to put money on someone it would be M. That said, its been eons since I've heard from him so unlikely. Whoever it was obviously wasnt impressed that I responded with "Who is this?" and didnt reply. Either that or somebody is very embarrassed to have got a wrong number...

Is so sick of....

BEING POOR!!!!

Spontenaity

One of the things that frustrates me about having children, or to be more specific about having children that dont go regularly or for any significant time to their dads, is the inability to be spontaneous in going out.

Today is a typical example of that, I found out yesterday that there was a school reunion thing going on in one of the pubs in my town, and today I just really fancied it. However, I didnt hear back from my babysitter until 7pm, as I'd only text her at 12pm and she didnt recieve it for some reason, so by the time she got back to me I had had a depressing day in shop changing rooms and was in my pjs planning a night in with a chinese.

It's a cyclical thing - you dont go out, you get lazy and stay in and eat take out. Then you feel paranoid that you havent been out and find it harder to do! That said, I have got a few plans for the next few weekends, so maybe I will get back into the habit!

Time flies

The days are just rushing by at the minute! Work is manic, and quite stressful at the minute, so consuming much of my waking hours, and by the time I get home in the evening it's as much as I can do to loll on the sofa in front of the telly! That's what you get for only working half of the summer holidays...

I need to catch up with myself.

Goodnight

My mood this evening. Just loving this version...

Sex in the City (just not this one!)

I think SITC is, quite literally, the new millenium's self help guide for women! I am loving it - and having a few epiphanies about Carrie/Big and Me/DM - except she gets her man in the end, mine alas, ran off and married a non-complicated woman! Ah well, thems the breaks!

The internet dating thing is particularly blah at the moment! Chase never replied - which I was most disappointed at, especially considering he had winked me before, and I really liked his profile. I have been emailing Will, who seems nice, cute pic, etc, but I'm not massively into it - we have been emailing for a month, with plans to meet soon now I'm back from Cornwall, but I'm really not enthused. We will see. Finally, I have just emailed someone new, Chevy, who's profile is really cool, though he wouldn't be my normal type physically. I am not expecting to hear to be honest, and my subscription runs out tomorrow, so will probably be too late then.
So, generally, dating, blah!

Saying that, it's probably a good thing. I am so not digging myself at the moment, I swear I get older looking every day, and after a week in Cornwall with my mum getting cooked breakfasts every day, not to mention all the extra holiday crap, I have put on loads of weight. I really need to start addressing it, as I don't think I've ever been less confident about myself physically, and it's starting to get me down.

Cornwall update tomorrow I think - I have done so much today, 4 loads of washing and drying, taking up school trousers, cooked a roast dinner for today, shepherds pie for tomorrow, and enough pasta sauce for 6 spag bols. Not to mention the usual Sunday jobs. A woman's work is never done!

Hints for online daters

When internet dating, sending an email that says only " I would so put a bun in that oven" is unlikely to elicit a response!

Lush

This morning was domestic goddess with house spick and span, homemade cake in tin, and entertaining friends.

Am now spot riddled drunken lush about to pass out in chinese takeaway coma. Happy days!

Acoustics

Have just come to realisation, after listening to unidentified neighbours bedroom activities echoing across the estate, that will never be able to have sex in this house with the windows open. Assuming the opportunity ever arises of course!

Singletons, smug marrieds and fuckwittage

I've been revisiting Bridget Jones' Diary and the Edge of Reason the last couple of days whilst on my “holidays”. Loving them all over again! Hard to believe they were written in 1996 and 2000 respectively!

I can see the resemblance between the me of a few years ago and good old Bridget - without the acquisition of an adorable Mr Darcy, and I've always been perfectly at ease with the comparison, but alas nowadays, even my Bridget days seem behind me!

More and more often I look in the mirror and see a resemblance of my mother looking back at me.

Unfortunately, that is never a good thing.

Arty farty

I've just hung two original Steve Johnston prints, worth approximately £375 each, up on my living room wall. They look BEAUTIFUL!

I seriously can't stop looking at them.

(Strike a Pose and A Quick Getaway if you're interested!)

Like the Murphy's...

... I'm not bitter.

I was sitting in my garden having a cigarette some time in the early hours of this morning, after watching some chick flick that inevitably ended with true love conquering all and a happy ever after, pondering love, life, the universe and DM, when it struck me that I have absolutely no bitterness regarding the situation.

I have, in the past, felt quite angry and bitter towards him, for getting to go off and live happily ever after, and leaving me here with nothing. But I realised last night that I don't feel bitter at all anymore, even if I try to, I just can't muster it now.

I'm glad about that.

Bloggiversary!

Today is my 3 year anniversary of blogging! It may have been a somewhat haphazard 3 years, admittedly, but it's 3 years nonetheless! Quite an achievement for someone with the staying power of a gnat!

The help

I used to have a very sexy gardener, which was fabulously entertaining for the lust interest cells, and came to a pretty satisfactory conclusion!

This fine figure of manhood shaped help has been sadly lacking in the OG abode of late, but today, right now, hallelujah! I officially have the HOTTEST window cleaner in town. I expect the window cleaning fund is going to be a priority from now...

I feel like such a desperate housewife!

Please

Think I'll have a Zachary Levi lookalike for my next boyfriend please!

Talking of 'next boyfriends', I've finally got round to making use of my free 72hrs online dating subscription, and after trawling through literally hundreds of profiles, yesterday I actually emailed one who winked me a while ago and whose photos are adorable (in my eyes anyway!). Yes, I am shallow enough for looks to matter! Anyway, typically, he hasn't logged in since, and not for five days, so I've probably missed the boat there! We'll see I guess...

Chugging along

Well, things are pottering on quite nicely at the moment. Nothing of particular excitement to report unfortunately, but equally it's quite nice to have some emotional calm time. That said, work is hectic at the moment, especially with the school holidays, which means operating a service for the next six weeks on just 2 staff! However, as I'm having over 3 weeks off in total I can't really complain ;-)

Baby boy

Well, well, well! As of Sunday just gone, my baby boy Y is 16!!!!! I am not sure how in God's name that has happened.

So, the weekend has been spent at quite the worst tribute band in the world (Take That if you were wondering!) on Friday, which was nothing to do with Y's b'day by the way, then a weekend of family, indoor barbecue, outdoor waterfight, and lots of presents and yummy food.

And the birthday must have made a difference as I got home from work today to find he'd had a bath, without even a request let alone the usual threat! Maybe time's are changing.

Too tired to fill in any more, especially as am posting using X's 9th birthday (June) new DSi!

Back to normality

Calm is restored. I really don't need the shit, so fuck it. I'm changing my number and that is that!

Drive...

...I need to.

I'm calmer, but not ready to update all. In fact, I don't know how to. I feel like I can't describe myself properly.

I need to drive. Process it all in motion.

Actually, I need to just let it all go. I just don't know how.

Day of rest

I am off work today, and boy do I need it! Have had two late nights, with the heat meaning poor sleep, and had to get up to do the usual hoisting to work. I am absolutely shattered now and fully intend to make use of my sofa when I've finished here.

So, the last week has been a bit exciting, if also emotionally draining, brought mostly about by a new internet interaction in the form of Rugger Bugger! We have been emailing loads, and I've thoroughly enjoyed it, as he really makes me laugh - particularly in emails. Since then we've chatted on the phone - too long really! - my bill will be horrendous, and have talked about anything and everything, from the state of the world to creampies to the decline (in his opinion - blasphemy in mine) of Big Brother. It's been really good to have some new, harmless distraction and focus, and I'm enjoying getting to know someone completely random in a different way. I'm all about loving the random and my life has been distinctly lacking for a long time.

I have considered if it's going to go anywhere further - the next step naturally would be to meet etc, but to be honest I don't think that's going to happen. We didn't meet on a dating site, so that certainly wasn't my intention in the first place, and he's not that local so would need organising my end, and whilst it's all great to do the flirting and the chatting, quite obviously from what's yet to come, it's probably not a good idea to go down that road for me. It's great though! And is definite inspiration for the future!

So, the reason for caution. As ever, the one and only...

I had a text from DM late one night last week, saying "I am on my way back", which was the first contact since our "final" (I say somewhat ironically) communication back in March.

It was somewhat unexpected, and as always, sent me into a whole heap of hope and a general tizzy. I replied simply with "Why?", to try and gauge what, if anything, I should be reading into it - particularly after we'd talked and emailed so much about the fact that I always read far too much into what he says!! No reply came for the whole of the next day, so eventually I text him again asking why he bothered texting me if he wasn't going to reply to my answer. He replied with "That's how I thought it goes now! You wanted to know when I was in the UK."

What?!?! I am fucking sure I didn't, and at this point, obviously I'm reading there is no hidden and secret desire to see me. So, in the interest of the benefit of the doubt, and good Karma, and sending out to the universe what you want back and all that malarkey, I thought - okay, there's obviously been a misunderstanding here, as I had asked him to send me one single text to let me know the wedding had gone ahead, so I responded "No, I didn't. You misread me. I wanted to know you had gone through with the wedding. You did. So if you're just visiting as a happily married man it has nothing to do with me know.", and that was that, and I tried to forget it came.

Bizarrely, since finding out in March that he was getting married, I had deliberately not gone out of my way to use Google for the purpose for which it was created - which is to snoop round and find pictures of girlfriends of ex loves of lives! Which was not an easy thing for me, but I held fast and stuck to my guns, despite the temptation.

However, on the Monday before this text, I had succumbed to the power of knowledge and had a fish around, which resulted in a few of the actual wedding pictures, and a bit of knowledge where she works etc. And actually, although there was a level of nausea at the sight of it (not least because it was far cheesier than I would have had him down for!), it was actually a good thing for me. She is a complete innocent party in this I know, but I'm human, and I'm female and it would have pissed me off if she had been a complete minger, or a complete beauty. She is neither - she is younger, prettier and thinner than I am, but not so much so that I felt pissed off or upset, and she has a really cool, positive job, that made me quite like her. So, after all this, I decided to wish them well (obviously only in the spirit of the universe, I'm not Mother Theresa) and work really hard at moving forward in my own life.

So, that was the backdrop to the text last Thursday - it arrived 3 days after these great personal revolutions of mine! That said, after this little bout of contact, I was kind of "same old, same old" about it all, and had the nice little distraction of RB to keep some sparkle in my life, so was just getting on with getting on.

So after all this, I was texting RB on Wednesday evening, having a nice bit of banter, alongside some updates to the girls, when another text comes in. "I take it you don't want to see me then?" What the fuck?!! Seriously, what the fuck??!!!!

And I know, as most of my friends will now tell me, that I really should just ignore it. Just tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, but my logical and reasoning brain which whispers all those things to me, and would be shouting them to anybody else in this situation, just kicks out and my heart kicks in. But I'm proud of myself, for trying to remain strong, and not just calling him a cunt - and I know it's partly because there is still that tiny glimmer of hope, but also because I really, really don't want to leave things with me thinking badly of him. It will kind of make a mockery of all my feelings for him if I did. So, I remain calm, I text what I feel "What would be the point DM? Seeing you isn't going to change anything is it? I need to accept that you've made your choice and it wasn't me". There, clear, concise, but not nasty. Just honest. What would be the point?

A few minutes later, he replies " I don't remember anything about having to stop caring about other people! Yet again I under estimate you. Take care OG, I mean what I say." Again, I say, what the fuck?! The first bit really fucking riled me!! How dare he say this is about caring, and imply that I don't care, or am being petty for not letting him care. The statement should be 'I don't remember anything about saying you were allowed to fucking care about me!! If you fucking cared about me you wouldn't have gone off and left me, married someone else, and now be fucking messing with my head!!! We acknowledged I read too much into that, you fucking know that, so why keep texting me!' As for the rest of the statement, I don't even know what he means, to be honest. So, I'm spitting - actually, not angry, more frustrated. I just don't know what he wants from me!!

And I'm doing my bit, best as I can, to fucking leave it all behind me - much as that still fucking hurts! But despite all that, again I text as best I can, not wanting to make it about him being a bad person, because I truly believe he doesn't mean to hurt me, he just can't go more than 3 or 4 months, without being in touch. In fact, since I moved, he has been the one to contact me: mutual contact in June 08, contact from him (ignored by me) in Nov, contact from me which he didnt get so doesn't count in Jan, then contact from him again in February, then in March, and now in fucking June!

Seriously, I'M the one considering relationship counselling?! Where is the wife in all this? But I know, actually know, that in his head he will manage to reason it out somehow, and genuinely convince himself that there is nothing in a simple text to me. BULLSHIT!! After all that's gone before? No contact from him is as simple as he presents it. And he knows that's how I think!!

Okay, now breathe!

So, as I was saying, before I got detracted on a rant. I give him the calm version of calling and screaming in frustration at him (seriously, nobody in the world affects me like he does!) - though thinking about it, perhaps that emotional trigger is what made the sex so hot!! - anyway, I replied "It's nothing to do with not caring! I'll always care, against my better judgement. I just can't keep doing this. Even the thought of seeing you wearing a wedding ring makes me feel physically sick! and we'd have a great time, as always, and then you'd leave and I'm left gutted again. So you don't get to be my friend. I'm sorry but I just can't. And if you cared you'd understand that." Enough said.

So my evening went on, I chatted to RB til 3am, which was cool, and went to bed both positive and resolved. Job done! You'd think anyway.

Yesterday, I was absolutely knackered, got up, took car to garage for 2 new tyres (after getting a flat at work on Wed and running around like a blue arsed fly to get it sorted, before being rescued by a very fit breakdown mechanic!), and on the way back from the garage, heading to work, I thought I saw him driving the opposite way. And my heart just cracked right down the middle. Again. Again.

I'm so sick of it. And now I'm crying because he's just text, and I know, KNOW, that this is not healthy, and not normal, and I swear I am going fucking crazy, and I don't know how to make it stop!!

Chaos

I have sooo much to blog. Good, bad, and pretty ugly in some ways. Did plan to do so tonight, but Y is sat behind me in his room (laptop still bust and work laptop not arrived!), scowling at me! And sighing dramatically every 30seconds. So I just can't concentrate.

To remind me, therefore...

Rather random, and somewhat exciting Rugger Bugger or RB as he'll probably now be known situation, along with frustration and angst over DM - as usual. It's been like the Yin and Yang of emotions for me these last few days!

Keeping the wolf from the door...

I am blessed with my job, that I mostly love it - and although there are some dull days, and some stressful days, my colleagues are pretty great, and generally no two days are the same.

Take today, for example...

Myself and Bridie were doing our monthly visit to the countywide brothels, dishing out condoms, lube, sponges and friendly chatter, when we went to the local Thai place, which for those of you who have never visited, is in keeping with most Thai brothels with big huge jacuzzi style baths.

So... it's was about 3000 degrees hot and we're absolutely melting, getting in and out of the furnace temperature car oven, and walking when we couldn' t park, so I jokingly said "Oh, perhaps we should stay here and get in one of those big baths".

Well, fuck me when one of the women's faces lit up and she came towards me saying "Yes, yes, you get in bath!"

You should have seen my face, and Bridie's (as I nearly knocked her over in my rush to leave!), as we muttered a "Must dash - see you next month", and scarpered.

You gotta love my job!

Phew!

Think that that is all my blogs finally in one place! I have made the choice that this is where I started blogging, and it's where I feel most at home (if that's possible in Blogland?!), and it isn't true to myself to hide some of the stuff that's been blogged elsewhere from myself. I originally started writing as an online diary - the place where I wouldn't say stuff elsewhere, and somewhere along the way I became involved with other bloggers and began to self censor myself, which kind of defeats the object.

I have a bit of DM blogging to catch up, just to make sure it's all here - for prosperity and truth - and then that needs to be let lie. Which, surprisingly, I'm actually pretty fine with.

So, for a while, to make sure I stay honest and open I will be keeping comments at bay, to ensure that I write this blog for me, and that is how it will stay.

Miscellanea

Importing blogs is a pain in the arse!

Just had 'derocked' in my security entry box - loving that word!

Too much time on your hands and access to Google is never a good thing!

Praise the Lord for Big Brother!

I sooooo need to lose weight!

And finally, big up love to Albert and to Matt - you know who you are, and you may have restored a little bit of my faith in humanity.

Timing

Life seems to be a strange creature just lately, and timing can impact so much.

Peaks and troughs

Fortunately, nature dictates that flatness cannot remain indefinitely, but that at some point the down or up points must occur. So, at the moment, I am trying to focus forward, enjoy what I can and make the most of what I have. It is much more in my nature.

Pride and joy

On 10th June 2008, I officially became a home owner. One year on, and in honour of this auspicious occasion I thought I would post pics of how my beauuuuuuuutiful house is now. It was an awful struggle to get here, and I am permanently poor as a result, but I have to say, it was well worth it. I do so love my little house!

The front room...

Kitchen...

Downstairs hall and toilet...

Up the wooden hill...

My small (but perfectly formed) adult only abode... (Plus Charlie the cat on the landing!)

X's room...

Y's room... (affectionately known as the batcave!)

Bathroom...