Feeling much brighter today. Things much more in perspective! Amazing what getting it all off your chest and a good nights sleep can do!! And flirting with SG and knowing I didn't do anything rash with CM helped too of course :-)
Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.
Monday, October 30, 2006
The SG saga continues...
6.42 am this morning. Phone bleeps...
SG - Morning hun, hope you're feeling better this am. Bra or no bra you have a lovely set of boobs. Nice arse too. No, I'm more like 6/7" and I can be a bit brief to start off. Am better 2nd/3rd time around. I do like to be teased & I have a real thing for being dressed up for. Am I wrong?? xxx
Quickly followed by...
Me - That certainly woke me up! Why would that be wrong? You have someone tiny enough (his wife!!) to look good dressed in anything. My arse etc are way better clothed! Trust me! And doesn't everyone like to be teased?? I certainly do! I'm not complaining SG, but you're slowly edging towards a steep slippery slope. Be sure you want to step off the edge before you get there... xx
Half hour later....
Me - Shit. I bet that sounded really bigheaded and wanky! It's all good with me SG. Just want to be sure it's all good with you too. x
SG - You're not being bigheaded. I'm out of order. Soz. You're all good to me. xxx
Me - You're not out of order. I shouldn't encourage it really. Can't help it though :-) You know where I am if you wanna step off that edge. etc ;-) xxx
SG - I know its wrong, but that is why I have to know. What would you wear for me??
SG - Sorry sorry sorry. You don't have to respond to last text. I'm a bad dog. See ya soooon xx
Me - Let's just say... Maybe time will tell...! x
Me - PS. Don't say anthing to mutual friend about me or texting and that. She'd kill me. And probably you! x
SG - No probs x
Most amusing, and definitely a change in pace!! Watch this space... !
SG - Morning hun, hope you're feeling better this am. Bra or no bra you have a lovely set of boobs. Nice arse too. No, I'm more like 6/7" and I can be a bit brief to start off. Am better 2nd/3rd time around. I do like to be teased & I have a real thing for being dressed up for. Am I wrong?? xxx
Quickly followed by...
Me - That certainly woke me up! Why would that be wrong? You have someone tiny enough (his wife!!) to look good dressed in anything. My arse etc are way better clothed! Trust me! And doesn't everyone like to be teased?? I certainly do! I'm not complaining SG, but you're slowly edging towards a steep slippery slope. Be sure you want to step off the edge before you get there... xx
Half hour later....
Me - Shit. I bet that sounded really bigheaded and wanky! It's all good with me SG. Just want to be sure it's all good with you too. x
SG - You're not being bigheaded. I'm out of order. Soz. You're all good to me. xxx
Me - You're not out of order. I shouldn't encourage it really. Can't help it though :-) You know where I am if you wanna step off that edge. etc ;-) xxx
SG - I know its wrong, but that is why I have to know. What would you wear for me??
SG - Sorry sorry sorry. You don't have to respond to last text. I'm a bad dog. See ya soooon xx
Me - Let's just say... Maybe time will tell...! x
Me - PS. Don't say anthing to mutual friend about me or texting and that. She'd kill me. And probably you! x
SG - No probs x
Most amusing, and definitely a change in pace!! Watch this space... !
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Loose ends
For any new readers, and my lovely longer term ones, today I have had some posting frenzy, so for it all to make sense start at "Today I feel shit" and work your way up!
And finally, just to tie up the loose ends of mayhem, my internet meet is on hold. I have too much real life stuff going on at the moment, and need to let life settle down a bit before I consider picking that up further.
He knows the craziness that is going on and I'm sure is man enough in his own right to just wait and see what happens in the meantime. With the odd flirty email to cheer us both up!!
And finally, just to tie up the loose ends of mayhem, my internet meet is on hold. I have too much real life stuff going on at the moment, and need to let life settle down a bit before I consider picking that up further.
He knows the craziness that is going on and I'm sure is man enough in his own right to just wait and see what happens in the meantime. With the odd flirty email to cheer us both up!!
Reality check
As if the head fuck of MW and CM (and DM if I'm completely honest - although all in different ways), isn't bad enough, my life continues it's men complications.
As is typical of me, it's either all or nothing, feast or famine, and when you begin to stoke more irons in the fire than you need, on the basis that it's always good to have a back up plan or two (while typing this I realised that possibly the only relationships I didn't have some kind of back up plans going on at the same time, albeit in varying degrees, were my "original 3" - MW, PB and DM. Interesting that I've just realised that!), sometimes some of those irons begin to burn quite unexpectedly.
As you'll recall, I have a Sexy Gardener (SG), who in the last month or so I've had some flirty text conversations with, and who I recently hear is suffering marital strife. So, earlier in the week I texted him, and we arranged to catch up Friday evening. As it happens, we missed each other and he came round early Saturday morning instead, also bringing me the book on the Marquis de Sade he had promised me!
He was here for a good couple of hours, just chatting and hanging out, and there was some slight flirting, (I did tell him he was a sexy gardener and needs to appreciate how fit he is, etc) but I was in full flush of seeing MW the night before, so wasn't quite as knocked sideways as I usually am by him.
Interestingly enough, I was telling him about blogging, and just talking generally about it when he suddenly asked if I had blogged about him! Which I have to admit was a bit strange, and also quite telling!! I kind of admitted that I had, but quite downplayed it, and didn't do more than mildy hint at potential content. I think I just joked that I might have mentioned I had a sexy gardener come cut my grass, but there was an unspoken there that it was more than that. Even more interestingly, he mentioned it to my friend (his best friend), and asked her if she knew anything about it! Which she didn't, not even knowing I blog, although knowing I think SG is fit!!
Tonight, in the middle of my earlier blogging, and whilst I was feeling particularly shit, my phone bleeps...
SG - Hi ya pickle. Have you finished your book yet? Did it stimulate you??? 'Mutual friend' said you had fun last night.
So... where did that come from?? And why is mutual friend telling him about my MW exploits?? And what has she told him??
Me - Pickle indeed :-) Started it but not finished it yet. Its good though. Mutual friend been telling tales on me has she? Paying the price for the fun today. Let's just say I'm really not in a good place right now.
SG - No tales. Just said it was fun. It will pass hun. Orange juice and cereal will help (private joke about my choice of breakfast - discussed yesterday). Eeeugh, your wrong. Hair of the dog is best. I wonder wonder what you wrote about me in your blog. Maybe I shouldn't???
Me - Cheers. But not that kind of bad. More I'm a fucking twat and my life is shit bad! Guess that will pass too though. I wouldn't worry too much bout what I've blogged unless there's something you'd like me to put??
SG - Shut the fuck up. Look at the street girls you work with! You have 2 lush kids, 4 limbs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose. A lovely pair of breasts!! Mmmmm nice!? Not to mention a so called sexy gardener. How many could boast the same? Yeah, tell the world I have a 12" knob, and I go like a rabbit on speed!!
Me - Thanks for the reality check. And the compliments. I know I'm being stupid and selfish but it won't last long. And thanks for the compliments, as misguided as they are! (Good bra's have a lot to answer for!). It all just gets a bit too much for me sometimes. I'll tell the world I wish I knew if my sexy gardener had a 12" knob and fucked like a rabbit on speed. That do ya? x
So, SG, thank you for the reality check! World, consider yourself told!!
As is typical of me, it's either all or nothing, feast or famine, and when you begin to stoke more irons in the fire than you need, on the basis that it's always good to have a back up plan or two (while typing this I realised that possibly the only relationships I didn't have some kind of back up plans going on at the same time, albeit in varying degrees, were my "original 3" - MW, PB and DM. Interesting that I've just realised that!), sometimes some of those irons begin to burn quite unexpectedly.
As you'll recall, I have a Sexy Gardener (SG), who in the last month or so I've had some flirty text conversations with, and who I recently hear is suffering marital strife. So, earlier in the week I texted him, and we arranged to catch up Friday evening. As it happens, we missed each other and he came round early Saturday morning instead, also bringing me the book on the Marquis de Sade he had promised me!
He was here for a good couple of hours, just chatting and hanging out, and there was some slight flirting, (I did tell him he was a sexy gardener and needs to appreciate how fit he is, etc) but I was in full flush of seeing MW the night before, so wasn't quite as knocked sideways as I usually am by him.
Interestingly enough, I was telling him about blogging, and just talking generally about it when he suddenly asked if I had blogged about him! Which I have to admit was a bit strange, and also quite telling!! I kind of admitted that I had, but quite downplayed it, and didn't do more than mildy hint at potential content. I think I just joked that I might have mentioned I had a sexy gardener come cut my grass, but there was an unspoken there that it was more than that. Even more interestingly, he mentioned it to my friend (his best friend), and asked her if she knew anything about it! Which she didn't, not even knowing I blog, although knowing I think SG is fit!!
Tonight, in the middle of my earlier blogging, and whilst I was feeling particularly shit, my phone bleeps...
SG - Hi ya pickle. Have you finished your book yet? Did it stimulate you??? 'Mutual friend' said you had fun last night.
So... where did that come from?? And why is mutual friend telling him about my MW exploits?? And what has she told him??
Me - Pickle indeed :-) Started it but not finished it yet. Its good though. Mutual friend been telling tales on me has she? Paying the price for the fun today. Let's just say I'm really not in a good place right now.
SG - No tales. Just said it was fun. It will pass hun. Orange juice and cereal will help (private joke about my choice of breakfast - discussed yesterday). Eeeugh, your wrong. Hair of the dog is best. I wonder wonder what you wrote about me in your blog. Maybe I shouldn't???
Me - Cheers. But not that kind of bad. More I'm a fucking twat and my life is shit bad! Guess that will pass too though. I wouldn't worry too much bout what I've blogged unless there's something you'd like me to put??
SG - Shut the fuck up. Look at the street girls you work with! You have 2 lush kids, 4 limbs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose. A lovely pair of breasts!! Mmmmm nice!? Not to mention a so called sexy gardener. How many could boast the same? Yeah, tell the world I have a 12" knob, and I go like a rabbit on speed!!
Me - Thanks for the reality check. And the compliments. I know I'm being stupid and selfish but it won't last long. And thanks for the compliments, as misguided as they are! (Good bra's have a lot to answer for!). It all just gets a bit too much for me sometimes. I'll tell the world I wish I knew if my sexy gardener had a 12" knob and fucked like a rabbit on speed. That do ya? x
So, SG, thank you for the reality check! World, consider yourself told!!
If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Feeling shit today has not been helped by the fact that I feel fucking awful for CM, lovely decent man that he is.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
Crash and burn
So, last Tuesday, the delightful MW had returned into my life (at my instigation), and we had arranged to meet the Thursday now coming up. We spent the whole week texting and msning, I sent him some new pics of me, and I spoke to him on the phone Thursday morning for an hour and all was good. He came over Friday evening for a cuppa, and we spent a couple of hours chatting and everything seemed fine, with him leaving and Thursday nights date confirmed.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
Today I hate myself
And pathetic and unrealistic as it may be I want to rewind my life to last October when I loved somebody and they loved me and I was happy all the time. I miss my DM. I miss that life I had. And I wish he hadn't left me to deal with all this fucking crap I bring on myself.
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