Thought freefall...

Isn't it funny how our actions and thoughts start in one place and end up in a completely different place?!! I was pondering this very thing earlier this evening when I realised I had gone from spiders to schizophrenia via commitment without any problem at all. So, I decided I will attempt to share with you the randomness of my little old brain...

I am knackered at the minute. God knows why but I am. Abso-fucking-loutely knackered. I guess insomnia/night owlness catches up with me in the end. So, I was just putting X and Y to bed when I heard my phone beep a message. Now, as it was lying on my bedside table and as I was knackered, did I mention that already ;-), I decided to lie on my bed for five minutes to read and respond. Had just got myself settled when I noticed a fucking tarantula!! (not a tarantula really for those of you crazy enough to live in places where it could be! A house spider, but a FUCKING BIG one!!), on my BEDROOM wall. Seriously not a good thing.

(I had to go and get the hoover and hoover it up! This of course means I had to leave the hoover on for half an hour to ensure it didn't just crawl back out again (please no comments about how they do!!), which meant that as it was on I thought might as well use it, which led me to hoovering the entire upstairs of my house, and then the downstairs as upstairs didn't take long enough!)

So, back to the spider... I then got to thinking about how mad it is to have such irrational fears (whilst bypassing the thought that the fact that they (and other insects) can walk on ceilings is pretty damn cool - and to be honest, the size of this thing I'm surprised it could make it up the wall!!), and where do they come from? I can appreciate in certain circumstances that it is pretty obvious - if I was savaged by a dog I'm damn sure I wouldn't be in a rush to give any dog a pat on the back, but generally they are not that clear cut. And are we even aware of what irrational fears we have?

So apart from the arachnid thing (and it is only arachnids - I don't mind other creepy crawlies particularly), what other irrational fears do I have? I don't think I do have any. But what about my "fear of commitment?" - I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of hurting other people, which now I come to think about it is totally irrational! And whilst some may say it is an honourable trait to have, I think it is also very egotistical of me to think I'm that important. I mean, to my best knowledge, nobody I have dumped has ever died of a broken heart or suffered serious long term damage or even expressed anything more than the usual hurt from any break up. So where does this worry come from? And it is a worry, a massive one for me. Hence my well rehearsed spiel to any man I may encounter about how I'm fickle, will end up getting bored, blah blah blah. A truly irrational fear if I may say so! And one that leads me into stupid situations on frequent occasions.

But I didn't have that fear with DM (well no more than a flicker of it anyway), so that is interesting. And talking of DM, I realise that I haven't updated my blog with the events after the split, of which there are many! So perhaps I should take the time to do that. So that anybody reading doesn't think I am completely pathetically mourning a lost love that ended last December. So that they know that actually, in my eyes it ended in June. (Actually if I'm totally totally honest I don't really believe it has ended now, but that the situation is just on hold and that at some point in the future he will pop up again.) But then why would I care if a bunch of random strangers (no disrespect folks I like you all, but you know what I mean) thinks that about me anyway? Am I that self conscious?

I don't think I'm very self conscious. Although I am a bit of a paradox I guess. Egoistical and arrogant on one hand and insecure on the other. Perhaps I have some bipolar or schizophrenia disorder? God knows, but my brain hurts thinking about it!!

So... from spiders to schizophrenia. An interesting action/thought journey don't you think...?!