To blog or not to blog...?

Well today has been a weird old day folks! Actually, the past couple have been weird. DM has resurfaced, as I knew he would one day. I have to say perhaps quicker than I would have expected! And strangely what it has brought me more than anything else is a sense of calm. He always did have that effect on me! The peace to my storm if you want to get flowery and metaphorical about it!!!

I know he's there now. I know that however far geographically he is away from me he's still with me. And I've trusted in that, despite all logic, for a long long time now. And there have been times when I've had to doubt that. Had to doubt how he feels, what I thought we had, how I thought I felt even, just because it's been such a long time with so little. But now I know. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I know what I want and what I believe but I accept there are no guarantees that will happen. The only thing I do know now with absolute certainty is that we are not done yet! This is not yet over. I know things can never just go back to how they were, and that in many ways we are both changed people, however, the bare bones are that I still believe we love each other and that we can move forward from this together, if differently, and I'm going to keep believing that until he can honestly tell me I'm wrong. And that thought makes me glad! And calm.

Of course, in terms of this blog it puts a new perspective on things. After sending him the link a few weeks ago I was 95% sure he would be checking in at some point, ranging from maybe once or twice to maybe every day, but now I know he definitely has been, and I suspect more often than not. So, can I continue to write this blog the same way?? Can I continue to talk about things in my life that may have an impact on him? Can I continue to be open and honest with myself and you without writing with a bias?

When I started writing this it was to try and offload, to try yet another way to lock DM away in a place in my heart and my head and to throw away the key. There's only so long you can keep believing and trusting and hoping before you need to let go. And I haven't wanted to let go. I haven't believed it was over and I wasn't ready for it to be over. But I've recognised that I need to move from the place that I'm in, even whilst knowing I don't want to move away from it. So, tentatively I wanted to write it all down and let it go.

I also started writing this blog because I wanted to record things. To have a definite record of things that had happened, things I feel and have felt, both the good and the bad side of life, both the DM and non-DM side of life. So can I continue to do those two things? Yes, I can!!

This blog is about me and my life. You are all welcome to share in the very ordinary (and equally messed up) life that I lead, in fact I am grateful you do, but it remains mine and mine alone. DM can take me as he finds me, can like what I write or not like what I write, but needs to accept that this is me and to understand that this is me. I know he will do that. I trust that he now knows me well enough to do that. If not, well, if it's that easily broken then I really have been wrong all along!

So, to update on my current life, the one I manage to live because I have to, and because actually I want to live it again, even if I do so with a piece of me missing...

As you know I saw CM last week - http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/cm-and-puppies.html
and have been a little indecisive since then. I had arranged to see him tonight but all week I've not really been at all bothered, and actually felt pretty much like there was no point. But towards the end of this week I started to think "why not?". I need to rid myself of this stupid psychological and egotistical hang up and stop worrying about hurting him and planning that far ahead, and instead just take it for what it is and see how it goes. With the DM thing as it is I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I think it might be a good thing for me, and for CM actually, whether it's long term or not.

So, he came round tonight, and we just stayed in and watched TV and chatted and chatted and chatted!! And then we watched 'Road Trip', which I'd forgotten just how much I loved! (In fact I love any of that type of film!!), and we laughed a lot at the same things and I actually had a really great night. The whole evening was just friendly really, no sexual contact at all, but just comfortable touching I guess, and I found just a little part of me wanting more than that but equally not being sure I did.

He finally got up to leave about 1am I guess, and then he kissed me, and we snogged (for Tobi, hehehe) for a while, and it was all very nice but I wasn't massively feeling it. And I was quite happy with that, (I got my period today too so didn't exactly want to take things further!!), but then actually I felt myself beginning to respond to him more. And although we didn't do anything more than kissing, (and maybe a little over underwear/clothes touching...!), I wanted to take it further. I really wanted to take things further!! So, I'm pleased about that. Pleased that I think we can probably have fun enjoying each other's company on both a social and physical level, even if it is just a temporary thing. I'm good at making people feel good about themselves, and I like that, it makes me feel good about myself. I like setting people back on the road to recovery, and CM sure does need that.

Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe DM is coming back?? Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe I will get resolution and be able to stop believing DM is coming back?? I don't know. But at the moment, for tonight at least, I am calm and content and happy, and that is what is important I guess...!