The aftermath...

How do I feel now? I'm glad I have it all down. I'm glad I have it to remember when it gets hard. I know it will be. I know this is just the start of the journey back. I know he won't be magically erased from my head and I know there are lessons that I need to learn and changes I need to adapt to. But the person that he was is gone forever, it's just an image I have to rid myself of now. Difficult? Yes. Painful? Oh fucking yes! Impossible? No.

There are a couple of other things I wish I'd said... That if he hadn't wanted that, hadn't been sure, then he shouldn't have jumped straight in. He shouldn't have led me to believe he felt one way when he didn't. Shouldn't have told me he'd spent ages searching for me and wasn't going to be letting me go. Shouldn't have let me believe we had a future. And he should have said all this a long time ago, instead of coming back into my life, and back into my bed and giving me hope. He might not accept it but he knows deep down that is what he's done. He's a grown intelligent man. He misled me, I don't think maliciously, I don't think deliberately, but carelessly. He should have known better! Even his final answers contain some ambiguity. He won't/can't just say, yes I'm happy, no I don't miss you. It's all implied. And he asks 'does it get better?', actually yes, because he could have had all that but with me and a family too!!

I have lessons learnt now, and that helps. It gives this whole episode some meaning I suppose. It means I can gain and grow eventually. I hope he learns too. He probably won't, it's easier to blame other things than to be really really honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. All I know is that I won't be a martyr to my past.

Right now, I'm sad, so very sad, but I'm fine. I have good friends, I have good kids. And I'm glad I met CM. Not because I want to ship one out and another one in, not at all. I can't replace what I've lost and I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but mostly not on him, he's a good man and he deserves more than that. But I like him, and I think I need him right now. Whether that lasts I don't know and that's not important at the moment, I'm not making any promises I can't keep, but I need some reality again. I need to be able to trust in real life again. I need to forget and also to remember. I'm beginning to appreciate what I want and what I don't, and I guess I need to get out there and see if I can find it...