Re: Questions, questions

For all of you lovely people who take the time out of your lives to keep up with mine, firstly, thank you! It's amazing how much of a difference it makes. Really! Secondly, you will know about the appearance of DM today which as you can imagine has sent me into a bit of a headfuck! I wasn't expecting a response at all, but I wasn't shocked to get it either. In my heart of hearts I believe he's been checking in, because I believe he can't help himself from doing so.

To the comment...when I first read those words my initial reaction was to smile and to be glad, and to know that the invisible cord that I can almost feel holding the two of us together is still there. That it doesn't matter that he has stretched it 5000 miles, that it doesn't matter how many times I've stretched it too, it's still there and it's still intact, if a little frayed in places. Because bottom line is, he's still here, and I'm sure that neither of us can explain that.

I have made no secret of not wanting to cut that cord completely, although I thought I had back in June. That turned out to be a short-lived delusion! But this means he hasn't cut it either. Or he wouldn't still be here, he just wouldn't bother. He has absolutely no reason to be even vaguely interested in me anymore, but he is not only reading this but has stepped bang into the arena. For the "whole world" to know about!

All of this, in a heartbeat, was closely followed by "fuck - shut the pc down and run away", closely followed by "I don't want to hear answers that will make it end", closely followed by "I don't want to hear answers that don't end it", closely followed by "how dare he try to take ownership of this blog! It's MY blog about MY life and MY thoughts, it's not another communication arena for me and him", and back to "it's not over".

So, after all those initial and almost instantaneous reactions I had to sit down and think about it properly. Do I really want the answers to these questions...???

The fact they're "out there for the whole world to read" is not at all an issue for me. Nobody out there in the world apart from the people that matter (DM) know who I am, and nobody knows who he or anyone else I refer to are either. And in some ways that makes it better. I don't know why, it just does.

So, do I want to know? Bottom line, yes, I do, and I think he owes me that at least. I don't know what I expect to gain, I don't know if there is anything I can achieve, but I do know I want to know. I guess I want to see if it helps, while not knowing what will help! I have to try to resolve this, and I have tried so many ways so many times that I need to see if this is the way.And whatever way it goes I know I will deal with it in my own fucked up way.

So, for the first, and last, time Darren, I am using this blog to speak to you directly. We have enough communication ways, I don't want to make this another one. Whatever form our communication takes, whether you comment, text, email, phone or turn up on the doorstep I will probably record it here. I write what matters to me, what I want to remember, what I want to spill, I meant it when I said I write this for me. And I choose what to put here, nobody else does. But for this one time, if you choose to spill it all here then you have my blessing.

Yes, I want to know. And I believe you want to tell me. Maybe now's the time for us both to face those answers...