I really am some kind of crazy woman! I set off tonight all happy and jolly to see CM, a little early because I was ready, so thought I would have an hour of nice night time driving. My favourite. I literally drive for hours sometimes going nowhere and for no reason.
I headed towards CM's town, and then turned back around to mine just to enjoy my music and driving and to kill the time. Halfway there I just got a massive compulsion, and that is what it is like, a craving almost, to drive towards DM's house. Seriously, it was like every fibre of my being telling me to go there. Like a fucking homing pigeon!! Which is stupid because he doesn't even live there anymore!! And I just got really blue about that and ended up having a few tears. And I got to thinking... if something happened to me, he wouldn't know. (Up until last week he was still my ICE number in my phone!), and if he found out how would he feel? Would he regret his decision? Would he be sad at missed opportunities? I don't know and I don't suppose it matters, but it drives me mad that I can't switch off from him, that I still drive 30 miles to a house he doesn't live in anymore!! I actuallygot half way there before I was capable of turning the car around and heading to CM's, which meant I was about an hour late getting to him.
Why do I do this crazy stuff?? I'm glad I don't have his number any more because I definitely would have text him tonight, and I can't do that anymore. Not because I don't want to, I do, he is in my head nearly all the time at the moment, but because I know there is no point. Even if he texts back it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he's coming back.
So, I turned the car around (reluctantly) and headed to my 'moving forward'. And had a nice night. I always do with CM, he really makes me smile. No funny business, taking that nice and slow, but good nonetheless.
Friday, October 20, 2006
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8 comments:
What would he do!?! well, i'm sure he'd find out one way or another that something had happened. he'd return and take care of the two things that are most important to you. Like you said you wanted him to and like he said he would.
I guess you'll just have to take care of yourself then won't you!!
One question! does DM know CM??
Just wanted to give you a ((hug))
x
I am not going to say anything sympathetic or supportive about this. It's of course none of my business but you post it expecting reaction.
The reality is that this is stupid behaviour; a waste of time you could spend writing, reading, frigging, playing with your kids or anything enjoyable and it is screwing you up emotionally. Writing it down here and being told that people want to give you a hug (which in a way I do) does not validate it or make it less stupid and destructive. Saying you can't help yourself is no answer- you can and you should. You are highly intelligent and in many ways- not just chronlogical- mature. Your life would be happier if you prevent yourself doing things like that.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but I am worried you are using your readers on here to validate this weakness in you. I would actually much rather you didn't publish this: I don't want to publically yell at you. You sound really nice, as well as entertaining, and in so far as one ever can be on here, like the idea of being your "friend", so you are defintiely worth taking the trouble to yell at!
Don't get hung up on it, we all have our coping mechanisms in these situations and we all get over it, in our own time. You aren't weak or exhibiting stupid behaviour as suggested by Duddler, just human and doing your thing!
Besides you are moving forward, even if you take the odd backwards step
And afterall, it is HER blog and she can do what she wishes, we are the ones with the choice to not read it. We surely dont have to approve.
*Hugs* OG...even though duddler thinks this is silly...but I am sorry I cant afford a ticket to the UK to do it in person! :-p
Hope you are having a great weekend!
Now then now then fellow bloggers. No bickering here please. I have to say I agree with you all, despite your different viewpoints.
Duddler, thank you, I agree it is stupid damaging behaviour and I do need shouting at some times to keep me grounded. I appreciate your faith in me as an intelligent mature person and you are right that I should let the whole thing go. I know that. So feel free to shout at me anytime you like!!
I also agree with sleepless and I'm not gonna stress about my crazy stuff. One thing I've learnt is that you have to do what you have to do until it's done. It's freeing to accept that. And I also recognise that nowadays it is 2 steps forward and 1 back rather than the other way round.
And on to Kris, you're right, I don't use this blog to validate my behaviour, merely to express it and see if I am the only crazy bunny in burrow, I appreciate all of you reading it and commenting. Whether you like what you read or not, it's all good with me. I'm not easily offended!
So, thanks to you ALL, and NO MORE SQUABBLING!!
cool, blog comments from peop who care, no matter what the content ... thats apparant, and tres coolio!
Congrats for not having his number in ur phone and for realising tonight was one night you wouldve texted him. but u didnt. Also, realise that the next nite was a nite when u didnt want to text him. or the night after or whichever one was. ur doing really well, its quite recent remember. this final closure shit is tough. give urself a quick fiddle from me, dirtier than a hug, kia kaha (be strong) xxx
And anon... why do you do this to me??
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