If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows

Feeling shit today has not been helped by the fact that I feel fucking awful for CM, lovely decent man that he is.

I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.

I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.

This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:

"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"

I didn't send it, and then MW text me!

And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.

So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.

But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.

So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.