So, here it is, the blog I've struggled to write so far, the topic I've avoided putting down and giving other people to share, the life that I need to make real but don't want to.
So many reasons why this is hard to write! Because I know how hard it will be to do the last 15mths justice. Because I'm afraid it will seem paltry and insignificant and predictable and that it won't convey how things were, how we were, how we've progressed and where I end up now. Because I want to keep it safe and warm and available in my head. Because I'm afraid of letting it all spill out in case I let some of it go, and I've lived with it for so long now that I don't want to let it go - it's all I have! And now I'm crying!!! One paragraph in and I'm crying!!!
I so wish I'd started this blog when I met him. That I had a record of how it all began, of how happy I was, how fulfilled and content and fluffy and smug and just plain alright with the world. I wish I had that to look back on and remember. I wish I had it to keep me warm and safe. To escape into when it gets too hard. I wish I could track that part properly. That I could treasure it and keep it close to my heart. That I could remember every single detail of every single day. That I had proof that that was how it was, that it was real, that it was true, and that it was mine!!!
And I wish I'd had this blog when that fucking marvellous world, that I had never thought I wanted or would have, came crashing down around me. That I could have moaned and wailed and spilled and swore and fallen apart on here. That I could look back now and see how far I'd come. I wish I could track that journey properly. But I didn't! And now all I have are snippets of memories, remembrances of events and feelings, and everything touched or tainted by the things that have followed. The past contaminated by the present. And I hate that. I hate that that is how it is. That that is how I am now. That I'm changed irrevocably. That I can't go back to before.
I have good days, sure I do, where I'm getting on, where I hardly think of that life, of him. Days where I'm happy and optimistic and pretty much how I used to be before I saw a world I wanted and couldn't have. More good days than bad now. Much much more!
I know I've moved on some. I know I'm out of that place where I cried and cried and cried, where I didn't care if I got out of bed in the morning or not, where I didn't eat and I didn't sleep without a bottle of wine in me, where my brain was on a perpetual loop that never fucking stopped! I know I'm not in that place anymore. And I wish I could see that written down. Could point to the difference between now and then. Because still, no matter how good the day, he's not in it. And I'm still aware of that! All these months later. And there are times when its just how it was in those long dark months, times when it's like it was yesterday, like I haven't moved on from it at all. And I don't know when that will stop. I don't know how to make it stop.
I know I have to let it go. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to face a life without him in it!!
Monday, September 18, 2006
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5 comments:
aw, i feel for you, he really got to you... but its still only a short time getting over him, give urself credit for where you are already. at least u know all this, and u know why you are holding on to it (for now). Do u see DM around at all?
Thanks Joie. I know, I know, and mostly I deal pretty well. As you can tell by my other posts ;-) But sometimes it hits home, and it's hard. I'm much better today.
I don't see him around. I'm in England and he is now in San Francisco so not easy to catch up. We text occasionally (part of the head fuck) but I haven't actually seen him since June. But more on the facts later I guess...
I really don't know what you're worring about, it sounds to me that you're well and truely over DM and have moved on quite well. Reading your other blogs you're a totally different person to the one who wrote this.
I'm also thinking that he might well be better off on the other side of the world, don't get me wrong and I don't mean to quote, but "I don't think I'm ready to start a relationship yet (to be honest I'm doubtful I ever will be!)" now that isn't something that I would stick around for.
Send him a link to your blog site, that should sort you out.
Best of luck.
A
Thanks for your comments anon. I appreciate what you're saying, and I agree that I'm getting on with my life. What choice do I have?
I hate that he's so far away but it makes it easier in some ways also. I couldn't bear to see him with somebody else, and this way I don't have to.
But my quote about a relationship is meant to reflect that I dont feel ready after him. I was completely ready with him, 100% committed to him - although he may not have been aware of it.
Curiously enough I have already sent him the link. Don't know why really, just felt compelled too. I guess that's a post for the future!!
I took a long time with getting over my last relationship because I had my blog to look at and remind me how good it was. Pain like that shouldn't be savored unless there's a lesson needing to be learned.
Be thankful something painful like that isn't staring back at you, haunting you of how much you miss it.
Time is only a good healer if you don't keep picking at it (like a wound that just wont go away).
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