I am not the person I used to be, and cannot go back to that old me. I have tried.
I am not the person I became with him, and cannot be without him.
I don't have a new person to become yet.
I am betwixt the old and the new, with nothing fitting.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Realisation
A long time ago, almost a different lifetime, when we were together, he triggered something inside of me that made the world a brighter, better place, and me a better, braver person than I'd ever been before. Then he was gone, taking that piece of me with him and leaving behind a gaping hole that was filled with nothing but hurt and pain. And for such a long, long time that was how it was, just pain.
Now, the hurt has gone, but the space remains. Over time though, a glass wall has slowly built around that space, glass brick by glass brick, getting me through the pain and sadness, keeping me going day after day, and, now I realise, hiding the hole within me from all but those who look too closely. Those who knew me before.
There is a part of me that loves that wall, but I realised this weekend that it is the very thing that prevents anything from ever truly touching me, and that good or bad experiences alike, a part of me remains forever numb. The part of me that is lost from that space, that is always missing.
I don't blame him, he wasn't to know, and I don't say this in anyway self pitying, it just is what it is.
It is who, and how, I am. Now.
Now, the hurt has gone, but the space remains. Over time though, a glass wall has slowly built around that space, glass brick by glass brick, getting me through the pain and sadness, keeping me going day after day, and, now I realise, hiding the hole within me from all but those who look too closely. Those who knew me before.
There is a part of me that loves that wall, but I realised this weekend that it is the very thing that prevents anything from ever truly touching me, and that good or bad experiences alike, a part of me remains forever numb. The part of me that is lost from that space, that is always missing.
I don't blame him, he wasn't to know, and I don't say this in anyway self pitying, it just is what it is.
It is who, and how, I am. Now.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Message
So few words, but enough to send the little white cells into overdrive. I should be done with this by now.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Lacking
Despite a job that I (mostly) love, and a beautiful (if modest) house all of my own, and 2 fabulous (if testing) children, and the knowledge that I have a good life, that I am so much luckier than so many, despite all this, I still feel unfulfilled.
And I don't know what's missing.
And I don't know what's missing.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
October?
Did we have one?
Yes, I have been significantly slack at posting yet again - though there should be light at the end of the tunnel as my mum is getting me a (secondhand) laptop for my birthday/christmas! Yay!!! I will be back in business in the new year for sure! And determined to have a more exciting year next year! (Yes ATM I think AG's prediction may be starting to take effect!)
So, in the missing month of October, plus the start of Nov, the following highlights have occurred:
My baby sister's 23rd birthday (yes, it is sickening!)
A really great Rod Stewart and Queet tribute night with Lily, Gerii, Ava and Meg
Some more musical enjoyment at a Seth Lakeman concert (check him out - I had never heard of him before but he was great)
My dad's 68th birthday
Completely drenched Halloween cum Fireworks night at The Bride's
Typical crap friendness by late posting of ATM's card and pressie for her 37th birthday (hahaha, no hiding the truth here ATM!)
A whole week of peace and quiet when X went away with the school
Having to pay for the week of peace and quiet when X was poorly and had to miss Disco's birthday meal at Moroccan restaurant
And that's about it!
See you soon.... hopefully!
Yes, I have been significantly slack at posting yet again - though there should be light at the end of the tunnel as my mum is getting me a (secondhand) laptop for my birthday/christmas! Yay!!! I will be back in business in the new year for sure! And determined to have a more exciting year next year! (Yes ATM I think AG's prediction may be starting to take effect!)
So, in the missing month of October, plus the start of Nov, the following highlights have occurred:
My baby sister's 23rd birthday (yes, it is sickening!)
A really great Rod Stewart and Queet tribute night with Lily, Gerii, Ava and Meg
Some more musical enjoyment at a Seth Lakeman concert (check him out - I had never heard of him before but he was great)
My dad's 68th birthday
Completely drenched Halloween cum Fireworks night at The Bride's
Typical crap friendness by late posting of ATM's card and pressie for her 37th birthday (hahaha, no hiding the truth here ATM!)
A whole week of peace and quiet when X went away with the school
Having to pay for the week of peace and quiet when X was poorly and had to miss Disco's birthday meal at Moroccan restaurant
And that's about it!
See you soon.... hopefully!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Whoosh...!
Oh.
My.
God.
How, in heaven's name has it been TWO MONTHS since I posted?!!
Where oh where did that time go?!!
Seriously. That cannot be right!
The sad thing... 2 months since I posted and still absolutely nothing of any interest at all to report! Jesus, I need to get a life. Blogging without one is a tad depressing!!
Talking of blogging, which, after all is the whole point of this, erm, blog! I really, really, really must check up on you all. It seems like such a daunting task now I realise it's probably getting on for 3 months since I last updated myself on your (far more interesting than mine I'm sure) lives.
The main problem is pc access, which has led to laziness on my part and the ensuing 'out of the loop/out of the habit' nature of blogging. (That and nothing much to write about that I'm sure anybody would be interested in!) We are all settled with our pc/internet etc, but the pc is now in Y's bedroom - which although accessible is not really
a) suitable
b) enjoyable
c) always available!
Result - one crappy complex blogger!
I am hoping to get a laptop soon, so that I can get back to blogging/reading blogs in front of the telly of an evening - a most enjoyable experience I have to say! Rather than sitting in the depths of "the batcave" (as Y's new dark teenage room has affectionately been named) with a 15 year old huffing over my shoulder. Perhaps Santa will be kind, or I will win the lottery to speed it up. Perhaps I should run a charity blogger auction to raise the funds, lol. A kind of bid for secrets thing, rather than me selling off poor, defenceless, random bloggers, lol. Wonder what all of you bloggers would want from me...
Anyhoo...! Just checking in to say thank you all for all your support through the hell of buying and moving and to say "hey". I am still alive! Yay!! I still have no interesting and fabulous life! Boo!! And even less money! Double boo!! Will be back much sooner than 2 months time (seriously, where the fuck did that go!), I promise!
My.
God.
How, in heaven's name has it been TWO MONTHS since I posted?!!
Where oh where did that time go?!!
Seriously. That cannot be right!
The sad thing... 2 months since I posted and still absolutely nothing of any interest at all to report! Jesus, I need to get a life. Blogging without one is a tad depressing!!
Talking of blogging, which, after all is the whole point of this, erm, blog! I really, really, really must check up on you all. It seems like such a daunting task now I realise it's probably getting on for 3 months since I last updated myself on your (far more interesting than mine I'm sure) lives.
The main problem is pc access, which has led to laziness on my part and the ensuing 'out of the loop/out of the habit' nature of blogging. (That and nothing much to write about that I'm sure anybody would be interested in!) We are all settled with our pc/internet etc, but the pc is now in Y's bedroom - which although accessible is not really
a) suitable
b) enjoyable
c) always available!
Result - one crappy complex blogger!
I am hoping to get a laptop soon, so that I can get back to blogging/reading blogs in front of the telly of an evening - a most enjoyable experience I have to say! Rather than sitting in the depths of "the batcave" (as Y's new dark teenage room has affectionately been named) with a 15 year old huffing over my shoulder. Perhaps Santa will be kind, or I will win the lottery to speed it up. Perhaps I should run a charity blogger auction to raise the funds, lol. A kind of bid for secrets thing, rather than me selling off poor, defenceless, random bloggers, lol. Wonder what all of you bloggers would want from me...
Anyhoo...! Just checking in to say thank you all for all your support through the hell of buying and moving and to say "hey". I am still alive! Yay!! I still have no interesting and fabulous life! Boo!! And even less money! Double boo!! Will be back much sooner than 2 months time (seriously, where the fuck did that go!), I promise!
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