Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Fear and loathing in Las Vegas
Well the money is spent!! I am now as poor as a church mouse, but do have tickets to Vegas winging their way to me as we speak!! Look out US, here I come....
Monday, January 29, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My life is officially over
Today, I bought pop socks!
And despite the fact that they were from an extremely reputable fashion store, that they are fishnet, and are called ‘Fashion Knee Highs’. They are still pop socks!
God, just take me now!
And despite the fact that they were from an extremely reputable fashion store, that they are fishnet, and are called ‘Fashion Knee Highs’. They are still pop socks!
God, just take me now!
Monday, January 22, 2007
Cocooned
Last night as I settled into bed, I had one of those small but significant moments of self-realisation that occasionally occur, and that simultaneously intrigue and confuse me.
It was most likely a result of the fact that I was freshly bathed, shaved, and moisturised, and I was getting into bedclothes that were clean, so were particularly fresh, crisp and soft; factors all combining to make me lay for a while just appreciating the physical sensations of skin against cotton, and the enjoyment of settling down into a warm bed on a cold winters night.
As I settled into that pre-sleep foetal position I always have, I suddenly realised that I was doing an unconscious, but extremely familiar added detail of taking one hand over the opposing shoulder and tucking the duvet right into the back of my neck and right round my shoulder. It may not seem significant, but I’m sure I never used to do this, and then further insight dawned and I also realised that in the few months this physical cocooning is something that I have transferred metaphorically in my emotional life. It’s like I’ve crocheted an emotional security blanket from the past, and as I settle into bed every night I cocoon myself in it in the exact same way I wrap my real duvet around me.
I’ve accepted and acknowledged in the past that I haven’t wanted to get rid of all the pain I was feeling, and that in a way I’ve almost clutched it to me and carted it around as a barricade. And while I’m not in that relentless pain anymore, I’ve exchanged that barrier for a different one; a softer, more protective blockade against the rest of the world.
No doubt therapists everywhere will be telling me I need to get rid of all this emotional dead weight, but I frankly I don’t want to. It’s safer this way.
It was most likely a result of the fact that I was freshly bathed, shaved, and moisturised, and I was getting into bedclothes that were clean, so were particularly fresh, crisp and soft; factors all combining to make me lay for a while just appreciating the physical sensations of skin against cotton, and the enjoyment of settling down into a warm bed on a cold winters night.
As I settled into that pre-sleep foetal position I always have, I suddenly realised that I was doing an unconscious, but extremely familiar added detail of taking one hand over the opposing shoulder and tucking the duvet right into the back of my neck and right round my shoulder. It may not seem significant, but I’m sure I never used to do this, and then further insight dawned and I also realised that in the few months this physical cocooning is something that I have transferred metaphorically in my emotional life. It’s like I’ve crocheted an emotional security blanket from the past, and as I settle into bed every night I cocoon myself in it in the exact same way I wrap my real duvet around me.
I’ve accepted and acknowledged in the past that I haven’t wanted to get rid of all the pain I was feeling, and that in a way I’ve almost clutched it to me and carted it around as a barricade. And while I’m not in that relentless pain anymore, I’ve exchanged that barrier for a different one; a softer, more protective blockade against the rest of the world.
No doubt therapists everywhere will be telling me I need to get rid of all this emotional dead weight, but I frankly I don’t want to. It’s safer this way.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The haunting continues...
Well in answer to the question I posed yesterday about who would be next… I couldn’t believe it when I woke this morning to a text from an unknown number simply saying “Hello”!
This is getting ridiculous now! If I wasn’t living this life myself I wouldn’t believe it!!
I replied simply but politely… “Hello yourself. Who are you though?”
I know it was MW, but ha ha Mister, think on that you’re no longer in my phone book or my head!!
This is getting ridiculous now! If I wasn’t living this life myself I wouldn’t believe it!!
I replied simply but politely… “Hello yourself. Who are you though?”
I know it was MW, but ha ha Mister, think on that you’re no longer in my phone book or my head!!
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Ghosts
Well a variety of ghosts from a distant past have all been out in force this week….
First up, DB makes an appearance out of the blue.
Secondly, DM returns (again!), you’ve read it (and yes I know, I know I should just ignore it!!)!
Thirdly…
Yesterday evening I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. No voicemail and no text to explain. Being a curious sort of girl (but having no credit!), I drop called it back, on the basis that they would return the call if was meant for me. No call was returned and I consigned it to the delete file in my brain.
Yesterday evening, I receive a text…
“Hi OG. Happy New Year. Hope you’re okay. Do you remember me?”.
Erm… that would be no! Surprising though it is considering the wealth of personal information contained within the message!!!!!
“Refresh my memory”
A second later the phone buzzes again…
“A clue is cigarettes”
Cigarettes?? Hmmm, that isn’t exactly causing anybody to spring to mind! I was thinking it may have been a bloke I met from the internet last February and saw a few times for a drink, but not sure where cigarettes would fit in with that!
“That hasn’t helped. I was thinking of someone, but the cigarettes have confused me”
Two minutes later, my phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi OG, how are you?”
“Erm fine thanks. Do I know you?”
“It’s Phil”
“Phil? Are you sure I know you?”
“Yeah, Phil. The cigarettes?”
“Erm… so how exactly do I know you?”
“We used to chat on the internet a while ago”
“We did? And I gave you my number? I’m sure I haven’t spoken to you before”.
“I was clearing out my computer the other day, and found your number on a spreadsheet. We used to chat from Udate”
“Oh yeah! I remember you know. Vaguely. That was about 2 years ago! I have to say this is a little random!”
So, I have this stranger, that I’ve never spoken to, but who I vaguely remember having a couple of msn conversations with, mainly around the fact that he had a massive fetish for women who smoked, now on the phone, almost 2 years later!!
What???
Fifteen minutes of very random, and far from free flowing, chat later (How you doing? Did you have a good Christmas? What did you get up to at New Year? etc etc), the phone call ends with an “Okay, better go. Nice to talk to you. You’re welcome to keep in touch if you’d like”.
I think I’ll pass thanks!
Who’s next?? A bloke who bought me a drink in 1997??!
First up, DB makes an appearance out of the blue.
Secondly, DM returns (again!), you’ve read it (and yes I know, I know I should just ignore it!!)!
Thirdly…
Yesterday evening I noticed a missed call from an unknown number. No voicemail and no text to explain. Being a curious sort of girl (but having no credit!), I drop called it back, on the basis that they would return the call if was meant for me. No call was returned and I consigned it to the delete file in my brain.
Yesterday evening, I receive a text…
“Hi OG. Happy New Year. Hope you’re okay. Do you remember me?”.
Erm… that would be no! Surprising though it is considering the wealth of personal information contained within the message!!!!!
“Refresh my memory”
A second later the phone buzzes again…
“A clue is cigarettes”
Cigarettes?? Hmmm, that isn’t exactly causing anybody to spring to mind! I was thinking it may have been a bloke I met from the internet last February and saw a few times for a drink, but not sure where cigarettes would fit in with that!
“That hasn’t helped. I was thinking of someone, but the cigarettes have confused me”
Two minutes later, my phone rings…
“Hello?”
“Hi OG, how are you?”
“Erm fine thanks. Do I know you?”
“It’s Phil”
“Phil? Are you sure I know you?”
“Yeah, Phil. The cigarettes?”
“Erm… so how exactly do I know you?”
“We used to chat on the internet a while ago”
“We did? And I gave you my number? I’m sure I haven’t spoken to you before”.
“I was clearing out my computer the other day, and found your number on a spreadsheet. We used to chat from Udate”
“Oh yeah! I remember you know. Vaguely. That was about 2 years ago! I have to say this is a little random!”
So, I have this stranger, that I’ve never spoken to, but who I vaguely remember having a couple of msn conversations with, mainly around the fact that he had a massive fetish for women who smoked, now on the phone, almost 2 years later!!
What???
Fifteen minutes of very random, and far from free flowing, chat later (How you doing? Did you have a good Christmas? What did you get up to at New Year? etc etc), the phone call ends with an “Okay, better go. Nice to talk to you. You’re welcome to keep in touch if you’d like”.
I think I’ll pass thanks!
Who’s next?? A bloke who bought me a drink in 1997??!
Friday, January 19, 2007
DM returns (again!!)
Firstly, I would like to point out… I told you so!!!
To all the doubters out there who witnessed our previous exchanges, and accused me of “Fatal Attraction” style tendencies last year, I told you it wasn’t done, and that for all his talk about it always being me that keeps this going, he continues to be in contact.
He commented on a post just before Christmas, which I ignored, and up until a week or so ago when I had that dream about him, I hadn’t mentioned him for a fairly significant amount of time. Not, in fact, since he accused me of keeping in touch with him just to give readers here something to comment about!
So, I had that dream, and I did text him that night. Half asleep and very dazed. He didn’t reply, as I’d expected him not to, and I went back to the business of getting on with it.
Wednesday morning
Morning! How are you doing? So, still dreaming about me hey? I was the best boyfriend you had! Might have to come home soon, don’t know yet. Say hi to the kids for me.
Morning! I’m not bad thanks, but I’m sure you know that anyway! Maybe you were… but then I’m the best girlfriend you ever had! You’re just too stubborn to admit it. Why might you have to come back?
Wednesday night
So come on then Mr Bloody Enigma. You have my interest piqued! Why might you have to come home soon?
There’s talk of my company being taken over, that’s all, nothing exciting. It’ll just make up my mind to move back for me. Coming back at Christmas made me think of what I’m missing back there.
What? Like normal people who don’t wear polo shirts and say “have a nice day…” Yeah, I can see what would bring you back!
My company is up for sale! A new owner may want to lay people off. No job, I get kicked out the US. And, I’m ready for something different!
Thursday night
Against my better judgement (as usual!), two questions… 1. When you were home did you consider coming over? 2. Why do you contact me? Try to avoid enigma please
1. I thought about it, but thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. 2. Why not! I can stop altogether?
Why not? Do you text all your exes then? I thought you wanted to stop altogether a long time ago? Isn’t that what you said? We’ve hardly been friends just lately!
An hour or so later
My heart tells me that you’re still a part of my future, and every time you read my blog, or comment, or text, that gets confirmed. But my head tells me I’m being stupid to think that way. So what am I left with? Make a final decision DM. Let me know. Then stick to it. You’re either in, with all that entails, or you’re out. But we’re never gonna be just friends
No further comment required.
To all the doubters out there who witnessed our previous exchanges, and accused me of “Fatal Attraction” style tendencies last year, I told you it wasn’t done, and that for all his talk about it always being me that keeps this going, he continues to be in contact.
He commented on a post just before Christmas, which I ignored, and up until a week or so ago when I had that dream about him, I hadn’t mentioned him for a fairly significant amount of time. Not, in fact, since he accused me of keeping in touch with him just to give readers here something to comment about!
So, I had that dream, and I did text him that night. Half asleep and very dazed. He didn’t reply, as I’d expected him not to, and I went back to the business of getting on with it.
Wednesday morning
Morning! How are you doing? So, still dreaming about me hey? I was the best boyfriend you had! Might have to come home soon, don’t know yet. Say hi to the kids for me.
Morning! I’m not bad thanks, but I’m sure you know that anyway! Maybe you were… but then I’m the best girlfriend you ever had! You’re just too stubborn to admit it. Why might you have to come back?
Wednesday night
So come on then Mr Bloody Enigma. You have my interest piqued! Why might you have to come home soon?
There’s talk of my company being taken over, that’s all, nothing exciting. It’ll just make up my mind to move back for me. Coming back at Christmas made me think of what I’m missing back there.
What? Like normal people who don’t wear polo shirts and say “have a nice day…” Yeah, I can see what would bring you back!
My company is up for sale! A new owner may want to lay people off. No job, I get kicked out the US. And, I’m ready for something different!
Thursday night
Against my better judgement (as usual!), two questions… 1. When you were home did you consider coming over? 2. Why do you contact me? Try to avoid enigma please
1. I thought about it, but thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. 2. Why not! I can stop altogether?
Why not? Do you text all your exes then? I thought you wanted to stop altogether a long time ago? Isn’t that what you said? We’ve hardly been friends just lately!
An hour or so later
My heart tells me that you’re still a part of my future, and every time you read my blog, or comment, or text, that gets confirmed. But my head tells me I’m being stupid to think that way. So what am I left with? Make a final decision DM. Let me know. Then stick to it. You’re either in, with all that entails, or you’re out. But we’re never gonna be just friends
No further comment required.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Killed the cat?
Okay, I thought I might as well cut and paste it all on to here and then you will know as much as I do, and can stop worrying about me getting too excited or getting too excited yourselves!
Hi Stranger
Nothing as complex as that, I just don't like the new Yahoo mail beta thing...I let the account lapse but then opened it again, just in case...
I did drop off the face of the earth, had to, I had so much nastiness following the collapse of that business I was working for in 2003! Was being chased for £2m, the DTI got involved, all sorts. Calming down gradually though but a stressful time, all things taken into account.
I will give you a call but not brave enough yet! ;-) No houseful.
How's things with you? I suppose I ought really to make good on that lunch date we talked about some time.
DB
I see! Well that clears that up then! Just in case what though I wonder...!
I’m sorry you had such a bad time of it. I didn’t realize you had all that crap going on!! Have to admit to my doubts about that being the only reason though…?! But I’m magnaminous enough to let you get away with it J What are you up to for work these days?
Lol at not brave enough yet. Am I that scarey??!! It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll live without, lol.
No houseful? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Are you still married? Must be a while now…? It may come as no surprise that I’m yet to make it down the aisle! I thought I was sorted with the man of my dreams last year, but unfortunately he wasn’t in agreement with me, so back to the drawing board I go!
I’m good actually. Apart from the break up stuff last year, which has hit me harder than I thought, I’m getting on pretty well. Not long started a new job (Oct 06) and loving it, although the restructuring going on in the NHS at the moment is stress I could do without! Still not anywhere near rich enough, but getting there, slowly! Kids are fine, getting bigger and slightly more manageable. So yeah, I’m doing okay, all things considered.
Lunch would be good. You’re right, you really should make good on it! That said, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Well just in case anyone wanted to get in touch, I suppose.
It wasn’t life or death, but it did get very nasty at one point, one of the directors had to have a police presence outside his house because of the threats going round! Not nice.
Not the only reason? No, you know that, I did get myself into a little domestic trouble, as you may remember – full email ban in force for some time! And probably rightly so.
Working for myself now and doing ok, thanks. Still a little worried about the whole ****company thing, but the DTI investigation was completed and no bad outcome so that’s one thing out of the way. Older and a little wiser!
Yes still married, and it still has ups and downs, to be expected I suppose!
Nice to hear you’re okay and sorry to hear about the break up. Bet he’s kicking himself now though. He must be mad.
I’m sure we could squeeze a lunch or drink after work or something. I’ll take a brave pill.
And lucky for you, I did! (Actually did I email you recently?? I looked in my sent items to see whether you were replying to an email and it said I’d emailed you on the 12th Dec?? When I read it though it didn’t make sense, and I’m not sure if I meant to send it to another DB??)
It’s really nice to hear from you though.
Oooh, it all sounds fabulously exciting (from an outside view of course). And I’m glad you’re fessing up to the other reason :-() All in the past though now, and older and wiser does have it’s benefits. I just seem to get older but not wiser, lol.
Are you enjoying being your own boss then? What kind of work do you do? Mine is very interesting!
I wouldn’t know about that, being the ultimate single girl it seems, but I’m sure you’re right. Glad to hear you’re still together and happy anyway. How come no baby DB’s?
Hmm at kicking himself now. I don’t think so somehow, he has a perfect life in California so I’m led to believe. That said, he hasn’t quite made the break! Needless to say it has all been very messy and confusing. There are a just a handful of men in the world who have been foolish enough to pass up on the wonder of me! I don’t know how they do it…? No accounting for taste, eh?
Lol, at brave pill! I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended! Whatever is fine with me, would be nice to catch up, but like I said, no rush. You’ve got my number when/if you’re ready. I’m still in hometown but working in local town now. I take it you’re still local?
Yes you did, and yes you did. Which got me thinking, as always! Hence the email. I wasn't sure whether it was sent by mistake or not.
It was very exciting but not in a good way, sent my hair grey!
Well I could hardly lie about it now, could I.
There is a baby DB, just not a houseful, you made it sound as though I would have produced 20 or something by now! 2 years old and a real handful.
Please don't be offended, it's not meant that way, it's just that I've almost resigned myself to an easy, unexciting and sometimes not great but easy life...if that makes sense.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! There is a baby DB! Blimey I would have had you down as remaining childless! And 2?? You must have been expecting him when we were speaking???
And I’m only joking about being offended. I know exactly what you mean. You resigned yourself a long time ago. A lot of people do, and in many ways I wish I was capable of it.
No not quite, in fact not at all
And yes, it's a bit sad but most of my friends are in just the same position!
Actually it was a massive shock, seriously! Dunno why really. Just can't see you as a daddy somehow! Then again, I'm hardly mummy material!!! Congratulations though (a little belatedly!)
And I didn’t say it was sad, I wouldn’t dream of it, they’re your words Mr!
We all do what we think is best, and I tell you, to settle or not to settle, that is the questions. And God only knows which one of us are right!!
I bet you're a great mum - anyone who survives it once, let alone twice deserves respect! And from my point of view it's worth sticking around to be around him, how most of us end up, I'll bet.
I was really shocked the other week, a guy I have know nearly 20 years (married all that time) told me he sticks with his wife and keeps up appearances at home, but basically does as he pleases the rest of the time. It did make me think, I wonder how many people end up like that. Stay single & enjoy yourself! On balance, settling involves a lot of very difficult compromises & sacrifices.
God listen to me, is it raining over there?
Well I don't know about that, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to afford to pay for therapy for them, so I'll have done my bit :-) Nice to hear you're enjoying fatherhood anyway, even if it is a little stressful at times!
A lot of people end up like that, that's why so many people end up miserable and having affairs. A lack of honesty about what they want and need from a partner. I don't necessarily want to be single, in fact, sometimes it's damn bloody hard raising 2 kids and working by yourself, and it involves a great deal of compromise and sacrifice in itself!!
But although I'm probably about ready to settle down now, I'm not willing to settle, if you get what I mean?? And having met my one true love, it’s hard to move on to something else now. But life will bring what it brings I guess!
Lol, what wise old birds we are!! Off the soap boxes now! No, it's not raining, spitting a tiny bit but that's it? Why is it pouring where you are??
PS. I am eating the best blackcurrant cheesecake right now! Mmmmmmm
Oh nice, I lost two stone in the last year so I am trying to stick to a good diet...thanks for that!
Hehehe! It really is quite yummy! And with no fabulous sex life to burn it off I figure I might as well just get old and fat!
Believe me that was not how I lost the weight :-( you go for it!
So that's it so far. I'm quite happy with that. I'm not planning on taking things further, although it would be good to see him face to face. In the great scheme of things though this is has been an interesting aside and I'm glad to have heard from him and that he's okay.
PS. Yes I had noticed how he avoids answering any remotely personal questions such as are you still local!! He did that last time too! Perhaps he's heard of my bunny boiler status :-)
Hi Stranger
Nothing as complex as that, I just don't like the new Yahoo mail beta thing...I let the account lapse but then opened it again, just in case...
I did drop off the face of the earth, had to, I had so much nastiness following the collapse of that business I was working for in 2003! Was being chased for £2m, the DTI got involved, all sorts. Calming down gradually though but a stressful time, all things taken into account.
I will give you a call but not brave enough yet! ;-) No houseful.
How's things with you? I suppose I ought really to make good on that lunch date we talked about some time.
DB
I see! Well that clears that up then! Just in case what though I wonder...!
I’m sorry you had such a bad time of it. I didn’t realize you had all that crap going on!! Have to admit to my doubts about that being the only reason though…?! But I’m magnaminous enough to let you get away with it J What are you up to for work these days?
Lol at not brave enough yet. Am I that scarey??!! It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll live without, lol.
No houseful? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Are you still married? Must be a while now…? It may come as no surprise that I’m yet to make it down the aisle! I thought I was sorted with the man of my dreams last year, but unfortunately he wasn’t in agreement with me, so back to the drawing board I go!
I’m good actually. Apart from the break up stuff last year, which has hit me harder than I thought, I’m getting on pretty well. Not long started a new job (Oct 06) and loving it, although the restructuring going on in the NHS at the moment is stress I could do without! Still not anywhere near rich enough, but getting there, slowly! Kids are fine, getting bigger and slightly more manageable. So yeah, I’m doing okay, all things considered.
Lunch would be good. You’re right, you really should make good on it! That said, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Well just in case anyone wanted to get in touch, I suppose.
It wasn’t life or death, but it did get very nasty at one point, one of the directors had to have a police presence outside his house because of the threats going round! Not nice.
Not the only reason? No, you know that, I did get myself into a little domestic trouble, as you may remember – full email ban in force for some time! And probably rightly so.
Working for myself now and doing ok, thanks. Still a little worried about the whole ****company thing, but the DTI investigation was completed and no bad outcome so that’s one thing out of the way. Older and a little wiser!
Yes still married, and it still has ups and downs, to be expected I suppose!
Nice to hear you’re okay and sorry to hear about the break up. Bet he’s kicking himself now though. He must be mad.
I’m sure we could squeeze a lunch or drink after work or something. I’ll take a brave pill.
And lucky for you, I did! (Actually did I email you recently?? I looked in my sent items to see whether you were replying to an email and it said I’d emailed you on the 12th Dec?? When I read it though it didn’t make sense, and I’m not sure if I meant to send it to another DB??)
It’s really nice to hear from you though.
Oooh, it all sounds fabulously exciting (from an outside view of course). And I’m glad you’re fessing up to the other reason :-() All in the past though now, and older and wiser does have it’s benefits. I just seem to get older but not wiser, lol.
Are you enjoying being your own boss then? What kind of work do you do? Mine is very interesting!
I wouldn’t know about that, being the ultimate single girl it seems, but I’m sure you’re right. Glad to hear you’re still together and happy anyway. How come no baby DB’s?
Hmm at kicking himself now. I don’t think so somehow, he has a perfect life in California so I’m led to believe. That said, he hasn’t quite made the break! Needless to say it has all been very messy and confusing. There are a just a handful of men in the world who have been foolish enough to pass up on the wonder of me! I don’t know how they do it…? No accounting for taste, eh?
Lol, at brave pill! I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended! Whatever is fine with me, would be nice to catch up, but like I said, no rush. You’ve got my number when/if you’re ready. I’m still in hometown but working in local town now. I take it you’re still local?
Yes you did, and yes you did. Which got me thinking, as always! Hence the email. I wasn't sure whether it was sent by mistake or not.
It was very exciting but not in a good way, sent my hair grey!
Well I could hardly lie about it now, could I.
There is a baby DB, just not a houseful, you made it sound as though I would have produced 20 or something by now! 2 years old and a real handful.
Please don't be offended, it's not meant that way, it's just that I've almost resigned myself to an easy, unexciting and sometimes not great but easy life...if that makes sense.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!! There is a baby DB! Blimey I would have had you down as remaining childless! And 2?? You must have been expecting him when we were speaking???
And I’m only joking about being offended. I know exactly what you mean. You resigned yourself a long time ago. A lot of people do, and in many ways I wish I was capable of it.
No not quite, in fact not at all
And yes, it's a bit sad but most of my friends are in just the same position!
Actually it was a massive shock, seriously! Dunno why really. Just can't see you as a daddy somehow! Then again, I'm hardly mummy material!!! Congratulations though (a little belatedly!)
And I didn’t say it was sad, I wouldn’t dream of it, they’re your words Mr!
We all do what we think is best, and I tell you, to settle or not to settle, that is the questions. And God only knows which one of us are right!!
I bet you're a great mum - anyone who survives it once, let alone twice deserves respect! And from my point of view it's worth sticking around to be around him, how most of us end up, I'll bet.
I was really shocked the other week, a guy I have know nearly 20 years (married all that time) told me he sticks with his wife and keeps up appearances at home, but basically does as he pleases the rest of the time. It did make me think, I wonder how many people end up like that. Stay single & enjoy yourself! On balance, settling involves a lot of very difficult compromises & sacrifices.
God listen to me, is it raining over there?
Well I don't know about that, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to afford to pay for therapy for them, so I'll have done my bit :-) Nice to hear you're enjoying fatherhood anyway, even if it is a little stressful at times!
A lot of people end up like that, that's why so many people end up miserable and having affairs. A lack of honesty about what they want and need from a partner. I don't necessarily want to be single, in fact, sometimes it's damn bloody hard raising 2 kids and working by yourself, and it involves a great deal of compromise and sacrifice in itself!!
But although I'm probably about ready to settle down now, I'm not willing to settle, if you get what I mean?? And having met my one true love, it’s hard to move on to something else now. But life will bring what it brings I guess!
Lol, what wise old birds we are!! Off the soap boxes now! No, it's not raining, spitting a tiny bit but that's it? Why is it pouring where you are??
PS. I am eating the best blackcurrant cheesecake right now! Mmmmmmm
Oh nice, I lost two stone in the last year so I am trying to stick to a good diet...thanks for that!
Hehehe! It really is quite yummy! And with no fabulous sex life to burn it off I figure I might as well just get old and fat!
Believe me that was not how I lost the weight :-( you go for it!
So that's it so far. I'm quite happy with that. I'm not planning on taking things further, although it would be good to see him face to face. In the great scheme of things though this is has been an interesting aside and I'm glad to have heard from him and that he's okay.
PS. Yes I had noticed how he avoids answering any remotely personal questions such as are you still local!! He did that last time too! Perhaps he's heard of my bunny boiler status :-)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Curiosity
Well, I decided to reply (who am I trying to kid that I wouldn't bother!!), keeping it casual but equally trying to get some feel of the situation. So, accordingly this went out yesterday...
Hi stranger!! Long time no hear. Thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet...
Not sure whether you mean you don't like me emailing you, or you don't like emailing, or you don't like yahoo...??
I'm pc less at home at the minute, so if you want to say hi again then best to use og@workaddress.com for me. You can use any email server you choose!
Or you could ring me if you fancy a chat and you really can't bear to use email :-) my number is blah blah. Sure you won't be brave enough though...
Hope you're good anyway, and that life is treating you well. Have you got a house full of babies yet...?
OG
So, we shall wait and see. I'm quite intrigued really. I always wonder what makes people suddenly reappear in your life months/years later...?
Hi stranger!! Long time no hear. Thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet...
Not sure whether you mean you don't like me emailing you, or you don't like emailing, or you don't like yahoo...??
I'm pc less at home at the minute, so if you want to say hi again then best to use og@workaddress.com for me. You can use any email server you choose!
Or you could ring me if you fancy a chat and you really can't bear to use email :-) my number is blah blah. Sure you won't be brave enough though...
Hope you're good anyway, and that life is treating you well. Have you got a house full of babies yet...?
OG
So, we shall wait and see. I'm quite intrigued really. I always wonder what makes people suddenly reappear in your life months/years later...?
Monday, January 15, 2007
DB - part 2
In November 2003 I got an email, through friendsreunited.co.uk from him. I remember I was surprised, and flattered. I hadn't heard from him, or thought of him for years, but it’s always nice to know that people remember you, and even nicer to know that they have remembered you enough to look you up specifically. It is, of course, especially nice when they are an ex-boyfriend too!!
We began messaging, and emailing, and were soon spending hours on messenger and sending copious amounts of emails a day. We spent a lot of time talking about what had happened with our relationship, and he expanded on the things he had been saying the last time we met.
I had always thought that he just didn’t fancy me enough, but in fact it turned out that he had always thought the same about me, and on top of that he had fancied me so much that it had made him completely shy and nervous. It was strange, to get a completely different perspective on things, and to see how stupid it was that we had both been worrying about the other person not liking them, whilst also being too in awe of each other to actually be able to go for it.
And it was lovely. I began to really look forward to ‘speaking’ to him and reading what was coming next. It was also lovely that we had slipped back into our old banter, and although he was still married (not terrifically happily I must add), and I was with MC (going through a really rough patch), we did begin to slip into quite flirtatious exchanges, with the occasional cyber session thrown in!
By February 2004, things were getting heated quite often, and I had begun to really want to meet up with him again. I knew he was married and I knew it was unlikely that would change, but I just wanted to see him and see if the chemistry was still there all these years later. Not to mention being able to catch up in person and see how the other had changed. However, he wasn’t ready for that and was very cagey about his personal details. I didn’t even have a phone number for him, although I had given him mine a few times.
Eventually, and somewhat predictably, he just disappeared again. He literally, without warning, just stopped replying to my emails. And I was pissed off! Not because I thought we were about to embark on a great love affair, or because I was madly in love with him (I was never truly in love with him), but because we had rebuilt a relationship of sorts, even if only a friendship, and we had talked about how difficult it had been for me in the past when he had just disappeared into thin air, and I expected more from him as a grown man!
Anyway, over the last couple of years I have emailed him occasionally, really just to see if he is okay, as I have wondered if anything had happened to him. He has never replied, and although I would like to know how he’s doing, and to see him again at some point, I haven’t dwelled on it too much, but have put him back in the box of ‘what might have beens’.
Today, completely out of the blue, I get an email from him, sent at lunchtime on Sunday…
“Hi, I hate this email thing”
What the fuck??!
We began messaging, and emailing, and were soon spending hours on messenger and sending copious amounts of emails a day. We spent a lot of time talking about what had happened with our relationship, and he expanded on the things he had been saying the last time we met.
I had always thought that he just didn’t fancy me enough, but in fact it turned out that he had always thought the same about me, and on top of that he had fancied me so much that it had made him completely shy and nervous. It was strange, to get a completely different perspective on things, and to see how stupid it was that we had both been worrying about the other person not liking them, whilst also being too in awe of each other to actually be able to go for it.
And it was lovely. I began to really look forward to ‘speaking’ to him and reading what was coming next. It was also lovely that we had slipped back into our old banter, and although he was still married (not terrifically happily I must add), and I was with MC (going through a really rough patch), we did begin to slip into quite flirtatious exchanges, with the occasional cyber session thrown in!
By February 2004, things were getting heated quite often, and I had begun to really want to meet up with him again. I knew he was married and I knew it was unlikely that would change, but I just wanted to see him and see if the chemistry was still there all these years later. Not to mention being able to catch up in person and see how the other had changed. However, he wasn’t ready for that and was very cagey about his personal details. I didn’t even have a phone number for him, although I had given him mine a few times.
Eventually, and somewhat predictably, he just disappeared again. He literally, without warning, just stopped replying to my emails. And I was pissed off! Not because I thought we were about to embark on a great love affair, or because I was madly in love with him (I was never truly in love with him), but because we had rebuilt a relationship of sorts, even if only a friendship, and we had talked about how difficult it had been for me in the past when he had just disappeared into thin air, and I expected more from him as a grown man!
Anyway, over the last couple of years I have emailed him occasionally, really just to see if he is okay, as I have wondered if anything had happened to him. He has never replied, and although I would like to know how he’s doing, and to see him again at some point, I haven’t dwelled on it too much, but have put him back in the box of ‘what might have beens’.
Today, completely out of the blue, I get an email from him, sent at lunchtime on Sunday…
“Hi, I hate this email thing”
What the fuck??!
DB - part 1
I first met DB when I was about 18 or 19. It was literally one of those ‘eyes met across a crowded bar’ movie moments (that I have to say have happened far too infrequently for me!) that made me literally freeze. Fifteen years on, I can still remember such little details from that night, and from other points of our relationship, that it amazes me (particularly with my bloody memory!!), and they still make me smile.
We were in our village local one Thursday or Friday night when everyone in the group decided to go over to hometown bar/club. I was quite happy where I was, and couldn’t be bothered, but because literally everyone was going I went too, mumbling and grumbling along the way! My mood continued on the short journey and with arms folded across my chest and pout on my face I begrudgingly went in. We had literally only been in there for a few minutes, when I looked across the room and saw him, and he saw me too.
You hear people say that time stood still, and at that precise moment I’m sure it did. All I was aware of was him looking straight at me and me looking straight at him, and for just a few seconds the rest of the bar just ceased to exist. A friend asking me what I wanted to drink brought me back to earth, and a few minutes later I was shocked to see one of our group heading over to my mystery man. They chatted for a few minutes, and I was aware that they had both looked over towards me as if they were talking about me, despite trying at that point to look completely nonchalant about the whole thing whilst I was telling my mate and asking if she knew him.
Mutual friend (MF) returned and said that he had been asking who I was, and then the pantomime of swapping numbers through him began. I can’t remember too much of the detail, but I know we didn’t speak that night but that communication was done through MF, who eventually furnished him with my number and then told me he had said he would ring me.
He did. And we arranged to go out to the cinema for a first date. I can’t remember what we saw, or exactly how the evening went, but I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember how nervous I was about meeting him, as he had literally taken my breath away. I also remember that when I dropped him home he practically legged it out of the car. No kissing, no “would you like to come in”, no “can I see you again”, nothing. Just, “thanks, I had a good time, bye” and gone!
I know he rang me again, and I know we went out again, quite a few times. I remember that he used to meet me down the pub during his lunchtimes and we’d play pool and chat and laugh and so on. I also remember that whilst I fancied him more than I had ever fancied anyone, that the pure lust vibes were there all the time, the physical side of us just never seemed to jell properly. We did sleep together, after a few weeks, and I remember that the first time I went to his house, where he cooked and we chatted and then we both got absolutely slaughtered before we went to bed.
Anyway, this was a pattern that continued, and every time we slept together we were both hammered. Me, because I just fancied him so damn much that I daren’t touch him and instead turned into this super shy creature, and him… well, at the time I didn’t know why. I know it didn’t help, but it made me more and more paranoid that he didn’t really fancy me. After a couple of months he just started to become unavailable, and eventually just disappeared with no real explanation. I was gutted, but with the resilience of youth there were plenty more fish in the sea, and I got on with it.
I don’t remember too much now about times and dates, but I know that this happened a few times. He would disappear for a few months, and then we would catch up with each other, and then we would start spending time together again, and then he would disappear again and so on and so on until it just kind of ended. But through all these times the sex issues were still the same, which for me was really, really unusual. I just never felt sure footed around him.
One of the last times I spoke to him, was a couple of years later when I was pregnant with Y. We bumped into each other in the local dive and got chatting. He was engaged, I was pregnant, but the whole chemistry buzz was still there, and I remember him telling me how much he had fancied me when we had been going out, and how he just couldn’t handle it. It was a strange meeting really, and although it made me feel a little better, it also made me cross. I saw him maybe a couple of times later; I remember once in the pub when he was with his now wife, and I was single again, and although he was relatively newly wed and we only had a really brief conversation the chemistry between us was still there, and once in the shopping centre, again with the wife, where I avoided him because I had not long had X and frankly looked like crap.
So that was the end of DB. One of life’s mysteries, and in many ways one of my ‘ones that got away’! Or so I thought….
We were in our village local one Thursday or Friday night when everyone in the group decided to go over to hometown bar/club. I was quite happy where I was, and couldn’t be bothered, but because literally everyone was going I went too, mumbling and grumbling along the way! My mood continued on the short journey and with arms folded across my chest and pout on my face I begrudgingly went in. We had literally only been in there for a few minutes, when I looked across the room and saw him, and he saw me too.
You hear people say that time stood still, and at that precise moment I’m sure it did. All I was aware of was him looking straight at me and me looking straight at him, and for just a few seconds the rest of the bar just ceased to exist. A friend asking me what I wanted to drink brought me back to earth, and a few minutes later I was shocked to see one of our group heading over to my mystery man. They chatted for a few minutes, and I was aware that they had both looked over towards me as if they were talking about me, despite trying at that point to look completely nonchalant about the whole thing whilst I was telling my mate and asking if she knew him.
Mutual friend (MF) returned and said that he had been asking who I was, and then the pantomime of swapping numbers through him began. I can’t remember too much of the detail, but I know we didn’t speak that night but that communication was done through MF, who eventually furnished him with my number and then told me he had said he would ring me.
He did. And we arranged to go out to the cinema for a first date. I can’t remember what we saw, or exactly how the evening went, but I remember exactly what I was wearing, and I remember how nervous I was about meeting him, as he had literally taken my breath away. I also remember that when I dropped him home he practically legged it out of the car. No kissing, no “would you like to come in”, no “can I see you again”, nothing. Just, “thanks, I had a good time, bye” and gone!
I know he rang me again, and I know we went out again, quite a few times. I remember that he used to meet me down the pub during his lunchtimes and we’d play pool and chat and laugh and so on. I also remember that whilst I fancied him more than I had ever fancied anyone, that the pure lust vibes were there all the time, the physical side of us just never seemed to jell properly. We did sleep together, after a few weeks, and I remember that the first time I went to his house, where he cooked and we chatted and then we both got absolutely slaughtered before we went to bed.
Anyway, this was a pattern that continued, and every time we slept together we were both hammered. Me, because I just fancied him so damn much that I daren’t touch him and instead turned into this super shy creature, and him… well, at the time I didn’t know why. I know it didn’t help, but it made me more and more paranoid that he didn’t really fancy me. After a couple of months he just started to become unavailable, and eventually just disappeared with no real explanation. I was gutted, but with the resilience of youth there were plenty more fish in the sea, and I got on with it.
I don’t remember too much now about times and dates, but I know that this happened a few times. He would disappear for a few months, and then we would catch up with each other, and then we would start spending time together again, and then he would disappear again and so on and so on until it just kind of ended. But through all these times the sex issues were still the same, which for me was really, really unusual. I just never felt sure footed around him.
One of the last times I spoke to him, was a couple of years later when I was pregnant with Y. We bumped into each other in the local dive and got chatting. He was engaged, I was pregnant, but the whole chemistry buzz was still there, and I remember him telling me how much he had fancied me when we had been going out, and how he just couldn’t handle it. It was a strange meeting really, and although it made me feel a little better, it also made me cross. I saw him maybe a couple of times later; I remember once in the pub when he was with his now wife, and I was single again, and although he was relatively newly wed and we only had a really brief conversation the chemistry between us was still there, and once in the shopping centre, again with the wife, where I avoided him because I had not long had X and frankly looked like crap.
So that was the end of DB. One of life’s mysteries, and in many ways one of my ‘ones that got away’! Or so I thought….
Friday, January 12, 2007
Get it together woman!
Don't know what's the matter with me at the moment! My emotions are playing havoc with me and I think somebody (God, fate, Devil, whatever!!) is taking the piss!!
I can't quite shake the dream thing. I thought blogging it all would kind of shift it from my headspace but it doesn't appear to have done the trick. I was emotional while typing it yesterday, but obviously was at work so managed to hold it together!
Spent the rest of yesterday feeling pretty normal; busy at work and then doing outreach last night, and no stupid dreams during the night hours. Woke up this morning as usual, feeling fine (well as fine as I can be getting up in the morning!), got up, shouted at children, packed lunches, did the school run, stoppped and filled up with petrol, and then headed for work....
First song on the radio - 'Together in Electric Dreams'. What the fuck!!!!! You have got to be joking!! It just set me right off. And as if that wasn't bad enough, closely followed by... 'Against All Odds'. No fucking way!!!!! Well, that's it for me really. Tears, tears and more tears. And it's not even 9.30am!! Fortunately, the radio decided to stop tormenting me and followed up with "Gimme All Your Loving", and by the end of it I had managed to stop the twattiness of me and had pulled myself together! (I am heading for work after all!!!). But, naive that I am to think that it was over, the final song in this little section was 'Smooth Operator'; Sade, his favourite artist. Seriously, somebody is having a laugh at my expense!
Thank fuck I've arrived at work!
I can't quite shake the dream thing. I thought blogging it all would kind of shift it from my headspace but it doesn't appear to have done the trick. I was emotional while typing it yesterday, but obviously was at work so managed to hold it together!
Spent the rest of yesterday feeling pretty normal; busy at work and then doing outreach last night, and no stupid dreams during the night hours. Woke up this morning as usual, feeling fine (well as fine as I can be getting up in the morning!), got up, shouted at children, packed lunches, did the school run, stoppped and filled up with petrol, and then headed for work....
First song on the radio - 'Together in Electric Dreams'. What the fuck!!!!! You have got to be joking!! It just set me right off. And as if that wasn't bad enough, closely followed by... 'Against All Odds'. No fucking way!!!!! Well, that's it for me really. Tears, tears and more tears. And it's not even 9.30am!! Fortunately, the radio decided to stop tormenting me and followed up with "Gimme All Your Loving", and by the end of it I had managed to stop the twattiness of me and had pulled myself together! (I am heading for work after all!!!). But, naive that I am to think that it was over, the final song in this little section was 'Smooth Operator'; Sade, his favourite artist. Seriously, somebody is having a laugh at my expense!
Thank fuck I've arrived at work!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Only when I sleep
I dreamt about him last night. A beautiful, bittersweet dream that has left me feeling… well I don’t know how I’m feeling, and I don’t know why, so I'm getting it all down on here to let go of it and then get on with it.
I’m really having a good time at the moment: work is good, although in the wonders of NHS restructuring my job seems to have been forgotten! But although I’m stressed about that I’m equally quite confident that it can be rectified. X and Y are X and Y, but fine and not playing up too much. My social life is fairly quiet but that’s through choice, and I’m happy with that choice. Money is always an issue, but I’m in a better place financially than I have been for a long time. Emotionally, I’m moving on, putting things behind me, hardly even thinking of him at all, successfully beginning to erase all memories. I resolved that this year there would be no more of this. My subconscious seems to have missed that message…
It’s a dream I’ve had before, more than once. There are some slight variations, but its always the same location and always me, always him. I’m staying in a beautiful apartment that is located right in a department store. Literally, the lobby area leads directly into what could be John Lewis’s. The store sometimes changes, sometimes there are food halls, sometimes it is only fixtures and fittings, sometimes there is even a bar area. Sometimes there are people in it, sometimes it is empty, but it is always an apartment, and it is always in a large shop.
Last night, the kids were with me, and we were borrowing the apartment for some reason. A large opulent place with lots of rooms and gadgets, and long, long curtains separating half of the living area from the other. The kids wouldn’t settle, and were taking there time getting in bed and out again, although it was late, but finally quieted down. I struggled to pull the curtains to give myself some privacy in the front room, and then he arrived. I know I wasn’t expecting him. I know that even in the dream I knew we were apart, but I wasn’t surprised. So we talked a bit; what we had each been doing, some teetering around the subject of us, but never any discussion as to why he was here, just an acceptance that he was.
He asked to see the kids, despite knowing they were awake, and the impact that would have after the work I have done to remove him from their heads. It was important to him, really important, and I know I judged it as a sign that he was back. I can’t fully remember more details. Dreams retain a clarity that is all too fleeting before they slip into jagged memories and are usually lost forever. That’s why I need to record it now, while most of it remains. I know they were happy to see him, although X was quiet, very quiet, which is unheard of for her, and Y, the quiet one was chatty.
Then, with the wonder of dreams, it was just he and I, roaming around the store outside this flat. Messing with things, bouncing on beds, squirting shaving foam and generally acting like a couple of kids. And laughing, lots and lots of laughing. Suddenly back in the apartment, and kissing like we used to, fitting just like we used to, loving each other and then lying together and feeling happiness and contentment. And the dream was right. It felt perfectly right and perfectly wonderful.
But I guess real life intervenes, even in the best of subconscious thoughts, and slowly it began to dawn. I began to sense that he wasn’t back. That I wasn’t the future, just a stop-gap in whatever he was currently doing. There was almost a joviality about him, a checking of his phone, a disrespectful air, and an unspoken knowledge dawned that he had somebody else, at least one. And although he didn’t physically change, he slowly began to meld into somebody else, who looked just like him but who had never truly cared who I was, who had come back into my life, and back into the children’s and was almost certainly going to leave again.
And as usually happens whenever I have bad dreams, whenever I don’t want to face whatever it is, my brain woke me.
So, at 1am, I wake disorientated and confused; a mixture of happy, warm and glowing from remembering and feeling again, but sad, so sad that it didn’t stop there, and despite the painful ending, just for a little while, it makes me miss him once more.
I’m really having a good time at the moment: work is good, although in the wonders of NHS restructuring my job seems to have been forgotten! But although I’m stressed about that I’m equally quite confident that it can be rectified. X and Y are X and Y, but fine and not playing up too much. My social life is fairly quiet but that’s through choice, and I’m happy with that choice. Money is always an issue, but I’m in a better place financially than I have been for a long time. Emotionally, I’m moving on, putting things behind me, hardly even thinking of him at all, successfully beginning to erase all memories. I resolved that this year there would be no more of this. My subconscious seems to have missed that message…
It’s a dream I’ve had before, more than once. There are some slight variations, but its always the same location and always me, always him. I’m staying in a beautiful apartment that is located right in a department store. Literally, the lobby area leads directly into what could be John Lewis’s. The store sometimes changes, sometimes there are food halls, sometimes it is only fixtures and fittings, sometimes there is even a bar area. Sometimes there are people in it, sometimes it is empty, but it is always an apartment, and it is always in a large shop.
Last night, the kids were with me, and we were borrowing the apartment for some reason. A large opulent place with lots of rooms and gadgets, and long, long curtains separating half of the living area from the other. The kids wouldn’t settle, and were taking there time getting in bed and out again, although it was late, but finally quieted down. I struggled to pull the curtains to give myself some privacy in the front room, and then he arrived. I know I wasn’t expecting him. I know that even in the dream I knew we were apart, but I wasn’t surprised. So we talked a bit; what we had each been doing, some teetering around the subject of us, but never any discussion as to why he was here, just an acceptance that he was.
He asked to see the kids, despite knowing they were awake, and the impact that would have after the work I have done to remove him from their heads. It was important to him, really important, and I know I judged it as a sign that he was back. I can’t fully remember more details. Dreams retain a clarity that is all too fleeting before they slip into jagged memories and are usually lost forever. That’s why I need to record it now, while most of it remains. I know they were happy to see him, although X was quiet, very quiet, which is unheard of for her, and Y, the quiet one was chatty.
Then, with the wonder of dreams, it was just he and I, roaming around the store outside this flat. Messing with things, bouncing on beds, squirting shaving foam and generally acting like a couple of kids. And laughing, lots and lots of laughing. Suddenly back in the apartment, and kissing like we used to, fitting just like we used to, loving each other and then lying together and feeling happiness and contentment. And the dream was right. It felt perfectly right and perfectly wonderful.
But I guess real life intervenes, even in the best of subconscious thoughts, and slowly it began to dawn. I began to sense that he wasn’t back. That I wasn’t the future, just a stop-gap in whatever he was currently doing. There was almost a joviality about him, a checking of his phone, a disrespectful air, and an unspoken knowledge dawned that he had somebody else, at least one. And although he didn’t physically change, he slowly began to meld into somebody else, who looked just like him but who had never truly cared who I was, who had come back into my life, and back into the children’s and was almost certainly going to leave again.
And as usually happens whenever I have bad dreams, whenever I don’t want to face whatever it is, my brain woke me.
So, at 1am, I wake disorientated and confused; a mixture of happy, warm and glowing from remembering and feeling again, but sad, so sad that it didn’t stop there, and despite the painful ending, just for a little while, it makes me miss him once more.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
New Year's Eve - Part 1 (belatedly!!)
Really wasn’t bothered about New Years Eve this year, not because I was a miserable moping cow, but more because I simply couldn’t be arsed!! However, the day dawned, and I thought “Fuck it! Might as well go out and enjoy it!”.
I’d had two main invitations (poor I know!), one to a party at Meg Ryan’s ex/current partner Knightrider, who is also a friend of mine, and another invite to a gathering with my favourite work colleague, Lily’s who is currently pregnant and had very kindly offered to have X for the night. (Y was at his dad’s for a couple of days).
I was in the mood to see where the night took me, so was quite reticent about making any really firm plans, but I loosely arranged to spend a couple of hours with Lily et al and then move on to Knightriders, with the potential to catch up with mate B at some point also.
So, 7pm I took X to Lily’s, where there were about 8 of us. Lots of chat, drinks (not me, as usual I was driving – much prefer the freedom driving brings to the fuzzy glow alcohol brings), and home cooked Thai food later and Buzz on the Playstation makes an appearance. Now, I have to confess, what I know about music you could write on the back of a postage stamp, but man I was quick on that damn buzzer!!! All those years of wrist action must have paid off!
About 10.30pm I get a text from mate JG to say where was I as they were all down the local dive and going to be shutting the doors soon. In the meantime Knightrider had text to say just him and Meg at Meg’s house as everyone else had party poopers. So, a few random muddled texts later and I agreed to go down to the dive, texting Knightrider to say I was still at Lily’s, was going to the dive and would then be up to see them.
Finally left Lily’s about 11.15pm, after a particularly heated round of Buzz (it’s amazing how competitive otherwise rational people get!), and headed to the dive. Doors were still open, and although it was busy, particularly round the back where “dancing (allegedly)” occurs, mates had been in there since 8, so had managed to snag a table round the front. Plenty of chat, beers, giggling, singing, reminiscing, drunken rambling and the countdown began. 10… 9…8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!
After several rounds of Auld Lang Syne, enough party poppers to bring out shell shock in any forces man, a free bottle of champers (read cheap fizz) from the landlady for being such regular customers, and a few chaste New Year kisses, it was time to look around for something slightly more interesting with which to celebrate the New Year….
I’d had two main invitations (poor I know!), one to a party at Meg Ryan’s ex/current partner Knightrider, who is also a friend of mine, and another invite to a gathering with my favourite work colleague, Lily’s who is currently pregnant and had very kindly offered to have X for the night. (Y was at his dad’s for a couple of days).
I was in the mood to see where the night took me, so was quite reticent about making any really firm plans, but I loosely arranged to spend a couple of hours with Lily et al and then move on to Knightriders, with the potential to catch up with mate B at some point also.
So, 7pm I took X to Lily’s, where there were about 8 of us. Lots of chat, drinks (not me, as usual I was driving – much prefer the freedom driving brings to the fuzzy glow alcohol brings), and home cooked Thai food later and Buzz on the Playstation makes an appearance. Now, I have to confess, what I know about music you could write on the back of a postage stamp, but man I was quick on that damn buzzer!!! All those years of wrist action must have paid off!
About 10.30pm I get a text from mate JG to say where was I as they were all down the local dive and going to be shutting the doors soon. In the meantime Knightrider had text to say just him and Meg at Meg’s house as everyone else had party poopers. So, a few random muddled texts later and I agreed to go down to the dive, texting Knightrider to say I was still at Lily’s, was going to the dive and would then be up to see them.
Finally left Lily’s about 11.15pm, after a particularly heated round of Buzz (it’s amazing how competitive otherwise rational people get!), and headed to the dive. Doors were still open, and although it was busy, particularly round the back where “dancing (allegedly)” occurs, mates had been in there since 8, so had managed to snag a table round the front. Plenty of chat, beers, giggling, singing, reminiscing, drunken rambling and the countdown began. 10… 9…8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!
After several rounds of Auld Lang Syne, enough party poppers to bring out shell shock in any forces man, a free bottle of champers (read cheap fizz) from the landlady for being such regular customers, and a few chaste New Year kisses, it was time to look around for something slightly more interesting with which to celebrate the New Year….
Voyeurism
I adore watching people!! I am a sucker for any reality tv show, particularly those that take ordinary people and put them in unusual circumstances, or those that document people who go through extraordinary times or events, and I’m equally as happy sometimes just watching the real world go by and seeing how people interact with each other.
The festive time spent at Butlins, apart from being a restful few days of not having to do anything at all constructive aside from read, lounge about, and eat lots of yummy (prepared for by someone else) food, also gave me lots of lovely time to fully indulge in that most marvellous voyeuristic activity… people watching.
And what always strikes me most in this kind of family setting, is just how unsuitable some people look together.
You know the sort… the really good looking guys with the less than good looking women, the really attractive women with the less than attractive men… and I always wonder how that works. How these lovely looking ladies end up with sometimes frankly god awful looking men, and even worse how some beautiful men walk around with women who look like they’ve walked into the back end of a bus!
Psychology tells us that we tend to generate towards people of similar attraction levels to ourselves, that we even tend to have partners that have similar physical characteristics to ourselves, and I accept that in most cases this is the norm. Yet, occasionally, and in my observations, increasingly commonly, levels of attraction don’t match so well.
So how do they do it? How do ugly women pull half a dozen branches further up the ugly tree than themselves? And more importantly, how do they keep them?!!! Are they all remnants of childhood sweetheartdom who met when they were both young and gorgeous and years later only one of them has slid into older age and hideousness! Or are some people willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of families or situations that they find themselves in? Or perhaps other people just aren’t as shallow as me, and see beauty (or not!) is truly in the eye of the beholder.
But it isn’t just about physical qualities either. How do stupid, or boring, or spiteful people end up with intelligent, interesting, kind partners? Some people just seem so blatantly mismatched that it’s hard to believe either party could fulfil the needs of the other. But I guess other people have differing expectations for relationships than I do, and what is essential for some is not important to others.
I don’t really know where this post is leading. Not anywhere really. Just one of the random trains of thought in my head at any given time. But I do know that whatever the reasons, it damn well jacks me off to see lovely men wasted!
The festive time spent at Butlins, apart from being a restful few days of not having to do anything at all constructive aside from read, lounge about, and eat lots of yummy (prepared for by someone else) food, also gave me lots of lovely time to fully indulge in that most marvellous voyeuristic activity… people watching.
And what always strikes me most in this kind of family setting, is just how unsuitable some people look together.
You know the sort… the really good looking guys with the less than good looking women, the really attractive women with the less than attractive men… and I always wonder how that works. How these lovely looking ladies end up with sometimes frankly god awful looking men, and even worse how some beautiful men walk around with women who look like they’ve walked into the back end of a bus!
Psychology tells us that we tend to generate towards people of similar attraction levels to ourselves, that we even tend to have partners that have similar physical characteristics to ourselves, and I accept that in most cases this is the norm. Yet, occasionally, and in my observations, increasingly commonly, levels of attraction don’t match so well.
So how do they do it? How do ugly women pull half a dozen branches further up the ugly tree than themselves? And more importantly, how do they keep them?!!! Are they all remnants of childhood sweetheartdom who met when they were both young and gorgeous and years later only one of them has slid into older age and hideousness! Or are some people willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of families or situations that they find themselves in? Or perhaps other people just aren’t as shallow as me, and see beauty (or not!) is truly in the eye of the beholder.
But it isn’t just about physical qualities either. How do stupid, or boring, or spiteful people end up with intelligent, interesting, kind partners? Some people just seem so blatantly mismatched that it’s hard to believe either party could fulfil the needs of the other. But I guess other people have differing expectations for relationships than I do, and what is essential for some is not important to others.
I don’t really know where this post is leading. Not anywhere really. Just one of the random trains of thought in my head at any given time. But I do know that whatever the reasons, it damn well jacks me off to see lovely men wasted!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Diagnosis Knackered
Well the pc man came and went! Leaving me with the delightful news that my pc is officially knackered! Kaput! Finished! Beyond repair! Are you getting the idea...?
So, I now have to choose between spending my hard earned money on flights to America or a new pc...!
Think the pc is going to have to wait :-(
So, I now have to choose between spending my hard earned money on flights to America or a new pc...!
Think the pc is going to have to wait :-(
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Glam rocks!
Had my hair cut today and it looks boooootiful! I am glam queen extraordinaire…!!!
Well, until I wash it anyway!
Well, until I wash it anyway!
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Yay! I'm back! (Well nearly!)
Hurrah hurrah!! I am back in Blogland! Although currently posting from work, so just a quickie, as home pc still knackered and damn elves didn't put out! Ho hum. Man coming to look at pc on Friday, so fingers crossed I will be back with a vengeance over the weekend. And I have lots of catching up to do....!
Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...
Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!
Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!
Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!
Until then I will leave you with the following post Christmas dinner conversation...
Dad - So how's CM?
Me - Who?
Dad - CM!
Me - (shaking head confusedly) CM?
Dad - Yes! CM!! From your birthday!
Me - (realisation dawning) Oh!!! CM! Oh he's fine. I'm not seeing him anymore.
Dad - (shaking head resignedly) You're not getting any younger you know!
Yes Dad. I'm aware of that!!
Anyway, better get off to do some work. Happy New Year to everyone.....!!
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