For joe!

Thought I'd better do some posting about CM (as specially requested by Joe http://amalemind.blogspot.com/ !), and I realise I have neglected him on here of late.

Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.

If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.

So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".

A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.

I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).

After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.

On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.

Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).

So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.

It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.

I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.