Feeling much brighter today. Things much more in perspective! Amazing what getting it all off your chest and a good nights sleep can do!! And flirting with SG and knowing I didn't do anything rash with CM helped too of course :-)
Annoyed by the MW situation, as expressed in my comment replies yesterday, but no lasting damage!! There rarely rarely is to be honest. I generally survive relatively unscathed, and am usually very good at bouncing back (part of the reason I've struggled so much with being unable to do so with DM is the fact that that was not the norm for me, in fact far from it!). But back to MW, he did his damage to me years ago, this was just a brief revisit to it, and I'm so not going back down that road of effort and hurt again. Much as I may give him a final chance, there's a definite limit to how much I will put up with, and it's about finding the line between knowing you tried and gave people a chance, and knowing that you're being a sucker. So, I've deleted his number and won't be getting in touch with him again. Still annoying though, and more annoying because of how he was this time. But I guess that at least I got to do one of my "one's that got away", even if only very briefly!! And that has to be a positive thing.
Monday, October 30, 2006
The SG saga continues...
6.42 am this morning. Phone bleeps...
SG - Morning hun, hope you're feeling better this am. Bra or no bra you have a lovely set of boobs. Nice arse too. No, I'm more like 6/7" and I can be a bit brief to start off. Am better 2nd/3rd time around. I do like to be teased & I have a real thing for being dressed up for. Am I wrong?? xxx
Quickly followed by...
Me - That certainly woke me up! Why would that be wrong? You have someone tiny enough (his wife!!) to look good dressed in anything. My arse etc are way better clothed! Trust me! And doesn't everyone like to be teased?? I certainly do! I'm not complaining SG, but you're slowly edging towards a steep slippery slope. Be sure you want to step off the edge before you get there... xx
Half hour later....
Me - Shit. I bet that sounded really bigheaded and wanky! It's all good with me SG. Just want to be sure it's all good with you too. x
SG - You're not being bigheaded. I'm out of order. Soz. You're all good to me. xxx
Me - You're not out of order. I shouldn't encourage it really. Can't help it though :-) You know where I am if you wanna step off that edge. etc ;-) xxx
SG - I know its wrong, but that is why I have to know. What would you wear for me??
SG - Sorry sorry sorry. You don't have to respond to last text. I'm a bad dog. See ya soooon xx
Me - Let's just say... Maybe time will tell...! x
Me - PS. Don't say anthing to mutual friend about me or texting and that. She'd kill me. And probably you! x
SG - No probs x
Most amusing, and definitely a change in pace!! Watch this space... !
SG - Morning hun, hope you're feeling better this am. Bra or no bra you have a lovely set of boobs. Nice arse too. No, I'm more like 6/7" and I can be a bit brief to start off. Am better 2nd/3rd time around. I do like to be teased & I have a real thing for being dressed up for. Am I wrong?? xxx
Quickly followed by...
Me - That certainly woke me up! Why would that be wrong? You have someone tiny enough (his wife!!) to look good dressed in anything. My arse etc are way better clothed! Trust me! And doesn't everyone like to be teased?? I certainly do! I'm not complaining SG, but you're slowly edging towards a steep slippery slope. Be sure you want to step off the edge before you get there... xx
Half hour later....
Me - Shit. I bet that sounded really bigheaded and wanky! It's all good with me SG. Just want to be sure it's all good with you too. x
SG - You're not being bigheaded. I'm out of order. Soz. You're all good to me. xxx
Me - You're not out of order. I shouldn't encourage it really. Can't help it though :-) You know where I am if you wanna step off that edge. etc ;-) xxx
SG - I know its wrong, but that is why I have to know. What would you wear for me??
SG - Sorry sorry sorry. You don't have to respond to last text. I'm a bad dog. See ya soooon xx
Me - Let's just say... Maybe time will tell...! x
Me - PS. Don't say anthing to mutual friend about me or texting and that. She'd kill me. And probably you! x
SG - No probs x
Most amusing, and definitely a change in pace!! Watch this space... !
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Loose ends
For any new readers, and my lovely longer term ones, today I have had some posting frenzy, so for it all to make sense start at "Today I feel shit" and work your way up!
And finally, just to tie up the loose ends of mayhem, my internet meet is on hold. I have too much real life stuff going on at the moment, and need to let life settle down a bit before I consider picking that up further.
He knows the craziness that is going on and I'm sure is man enough in his own right to just wait and see what happens in the meantime. With the odd flirty email to cheer us both up!!
And finally, just to tie up the loose ends of mayhem, my internet meet is on hold. I have too much real life stuff going on at the moment, and need to let life settle down a bit before I consider picking that up further.
He knows the craziness that is going on and I'm sure is man enough in his own right to just wait and see what happens in the meantime. With the odd flirty email to cheer us both up!!
Reality check
As if the head fuck of MW and CM (and DM if I'm completely honest - although all in different ways), isn't bad enough, my life continues it's men complications.
As is typical of me, it's either all or nothing, feast or famine, and when you begin to stoke more irons in the fire than you need, on the basis that it's always good to have a back up plan or two (while typing this I realised that possibly the only relationships I didn't have some kind of back up plans going on at the same time, albeit in varying degrees, were my "original 3" - MW, PB and DM. Interesting that I've just realised that!), sometimes some of those irons begin to burn quite unexpectedly.
As you'll recall, I have a Sexy Gardener (SG), who in the last month or so I've had some flirty text conversations with, and who I recently hear is suffering marital strife. So, earlier in the week I texted him, and we arranged to catch up Friday evening. As it happens, we missed each other and he came round early Saturday morning instead, also bringing me the book on the Marquis de Sade he had promised me!
He was here for a good couple of hours, just chatting and hanging out, and there was some slight flirting, (I did tell him he was a sexy gardener and needs to appreciate how fit he is, etc) but I was in full flush of seeing MW the night before, so wasn't quite as knocked sideways as I usually am by him.
Interestingly enough, I was telling him about blogging, and just talking generally about it when he suddenly asked if I had blogged about him! Which I have to admit was a bit strange, and also quite telling!! I kind of admitted that I had, but quite downplayed it, and didn't do more than mildy hint at potential content. I think I just joked that I might have mentioned I had a sexy gardener come cut my grass, but there was an unspoken there that it was more than that. Even more interestingly, he mentioned it to my friend (his best friend), and asked her if she knew anything about it! Which she didn't, not even knowing I blog, although knowing I think SG is fit!!
Tonight, in the middle of my earlier blogging, and whilst I was feeling particularly shit, my phone bleeps...
SG - Hi ya pickle. Have you finished your book yet? Did it stimulate you??? 'Mutual friend' said you had fun last night.
So... where did that come from?? And why is mutual friend telling him about my MW exploits?? And what has she told him??
Me - Pickle indeed :-) Started it but not finished it yet. Its good though. Mutual friend been telling tales on me has she? Paying the price for the fun today. Let's just say I'm really not in a good place right now.
SG - No tales. Just said it was fun. It will pass hun. Orange juice and cereal will help (private joke about my choice of breakfast - discussed yesterday). Eeeugh, your wrong. Hair of the dog is best. I wonder wonder what you wrote about me in your blog. Maybe I shouldn't???
Me - Cheers. But not that kind of bad. More I'm a fucking twat and my life is shit bad! Guess that will pass too though. I wouldn't worry too much bout what I've blogged unless there's something you'd like me to put??
SG - Shut the fuck up. Look at the street girls you work with! You have 2 lush kids, 4 limbs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose. A lovely pair of breasts!! Mmmmm nice!? Not to mention a so called sexy gardener. How many could boast the same? Yeah, tell the world I have a 12" knob, and I go like a rabbit on speed!!
Me - Thanks for the reality check. And the compliments. I know I'm being stupid and selfish but it won't last long. And thanks for the compliments, as misguided as they are! (Good bra's have a lot to answer for!). It all just gets a bit too much for me sometimes. I'll tell the world I wish I knew if my sexy gardener had a 12" knob and fucked like a rabbit on speed. That do ya? x
So, SG, thank you for the reality check! World, consider yourself told!!
As is typical of me, it's either all or nothing, feast or famine, and when you begin to stoke more irons in the fire than you need, on the basis that it's always good to have a back up plan or two (while typing this I realised that possibly the only relationships I didn't have some kind of back up plans going on at the same time, albeit in varying degrees, were my "original 3" - MW, PB and DM. Interesting that I've just realised that!), sometimes some of those irons begin to burn quite unexpectedly.
As you'll recall, I have a Sexy Gardener (SG), who in the last month or so I've had some flirty text conversations with, and who I recently hear is suffering marital strife. So, earlier in the week I texted him, and we arranged to catch up Friday evening. As it happens, we missed each other and he came round early Saturday morning instead, also bringing me the book on the Marquis de Sade he had promised me!
He was here for a good couple of hours, just chatting and hanging out, and there was some slight flirting, (I did tell him he was a sexy gardener and needs to appreciate how fit he is, etc) but I was in full flush of seeing MW the night before, so wasn't quite as knocked sideways as I usually am by him.
Interestingly enough, I was telling him about blogging, and just talking generally about it when he suddenly asked if I had blogged about him! Which I have to admit was a bit strange, and also quite telling!! I kind of admitted that I had, but quite downplayed it, and didn't do more than mildy hint at potential content. I think I just joked that I might have mentioned I had a sexy gardener come cut my grass, but there was an unspoken there that it was more than that. Even more interestingly, he mentioned it to my friend (his best friend), and asked her if she knew anything about it! Which she didn't, not even knowing I blog, although knowing I think SG is fit!!
Tonight, in the middle of my earlier blogging, and whilst I was feeling particularly shit, my phone bleeps...
SG - Hi ya pickle. Have you finished your book yet? Did it stimulate you??? 'Mutual friend' said you had fun last night.
So... where did that come from?? And why is mutual friend telling him about my MW exploits?? And what has she told him??
Me - Pickle indeed :-) Started it but not finished it yet. Its good though. Mutual friend been telling tales on me has she? Paying the price for the fun today. Let's just say I'm really not in a good place right now.
SG - No tales. Just said it was fun. It will pass hun. Orange juice and cereal will help (private joke about my choice of breakfast - discussed yesterday). Eeeugh, your wrong. Hair of the dog is best. I wonder wonder what you wrote about me in your blog. Maybe I shouldn't???
Me - Cheers. But not that kind of bad. More I'm a fucking twat and my life is shit bad! Guess that will pass too though. I wouldn't worry too much bout what I've blogged unless there's something you'd like me to put??
SG - Shut the fuck up. Look at the street girls you work with! You have 2 lush kids, 4 limbs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose. A lovely pair of breasts!! Mmmmm nice!? Not to mention a so called sexy gardener. How many could boast the same? Yeah, tell the world I have a 12" knob, and I go like a rabbit on speed!!
Me - Thanks for the reality check. And the compliments. I know I'm being stupid and selfish but it won't last long. And thanks for the compliments, as misguided as they are! (Good bra's have a lot to answer for!). It all just gets a bit too much for me sometimes. I'll tell the world I wish I knew if my sexy gardener had a 12" knob and fucked like a rabbit on speed. That do ya? x
So, SG, thank you for the reality check! World, consider yourself told!!
If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Feeling shit today has not been helped by the fact that I feel fucking awful for CM, lovely decent man that he is.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
I feel a bitch that if I'm honest I would have chosen MW over him without a thought. I feel a bitch that even though our "relationship" is very casual and I haven't made him any promises about the future I fucked someone else last night and this morning and didn't think twice about it. I feel a bitch that I told him that if I was sleeping with him I wouldn't be sleeping with anybody else. I feel a bitch that I'm too much of a coward to speak to him about this. But most of all I feel sad that I don't feel the same way about such a great bloke as I felt about MW. And that he deserves someone that does feel that way about him.
I haven't seen him since last Sunday, after he'd stayed, mostly due to circumstances. And because of the MW thing I haven't gone out of my way to text him, to move things along while I'm potentially stoking other irons in the fire. So the sum of our contact this week has been a quick text from him on Wed evening, and a light and friendly reply from me, saying I would see him tonight.
This morning, before MW text me, I composed a text to CM saying the following:
"Hi CM, I'm sorry, I know this is a cowardly way to do this, I guess I am a coward. I've got a load of emotional head fuck stuff going on at the minute, and I don't think I can do more than mates right now. No matter how great you are. And you are bloody great! Just thought it was fairer to say now rather than later. It's probably not a good idea for you to come over tonight but I really hope I can still get to see you sometimes. I do really like you. I'm sorry. x"
I didn't send it, and then MW text me!
And although I know I'm being selfish and probably could legitimately be criticised for "using" CM, I've felt like I kind of need to have him around at the moment, I like him, in the most simple of ways, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I could do with some of that, particularly after this kick in the teeth. Judge that as you will.
So, this morning, instead, I sent him a fairly light and friendly text to see if he was still coming over tonight, to which he replied he was. And then, as is OG's fucked up way, I changed my mind. Decided that I'm not in a happy enough place to see him. That it wouldn't be fair to either of us. So I texted with an excuse about being knackered and not feeling great and could we make it in the week instead, to which I got a simple "Ok, yeah". And that made me feel worse.
But then, a little while later he rang me to see if I was okay (maybe to test the waters of our relationship??), and that made me really really sad. I had to really hold back the tears while I was speaking to him, and keep it very light and friendly, or I might not have trusted what came out of my mouth, and he deserves more than me offloading my crap and guilt on to him.
So things are as they were with him really. I don't know whether I should be pursuing it or not. Whether I should be calling it a day or not. Maybe I'm better off with the kind of constant CM provides than a constant search for something that may not be attainable?? Maybe I'll turn out to be a settler after all? Maybe, after I've recovered from this setback I'll go back to the risk taking? For now, maybe cowardly, maybe for the first time not burning my bridges with emotion rather than thought, I'm just delaying the decision. biding my time, for good or bad.
Crash and burn
So, last Tuesday, the delightful MW had returned into my life (at my instigation), and we had arranged to meet the Thursday now coming up. We spent the whole week texting and msning, I sent him some new pics of me, and I spoke to him on the phone Thursday morning for an hour and all was good. He came over Friday evening for a cuppa, and we spent a couple of hours chatting and everything seemed fine, with him leaving and Thursday nights date confirmed.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
I went out with the girls last night, and he texted a few times throughout the evening, before finally texting at around 11.30pm to say he was heading over to my hometown to the crap local night club here. A mad panic ensued, as I'd had one of those can't be bothered nights were I hadn't bothered dressing up, my hair was shit, I'd been dancing for 2 hours and was all hot and sweaty, and I was wearing the same clothes I'd bunged on to see him the night before!!!!
My initial response was "shit, you can't come and find me because I look like crap!", and I was seriously seriously stressed!! (Did I mention I really really like this guy??! He is by far, one of the truly fittest and sexiest men I have ever met). Anyway, to cut a long story short he went to the club and then came up and met me about 2am when I left the pub.
We came home and played name that tune while watching vh1 until about 5am, (which I was fucking shit at, and he was fucking great at!!), and then had the discussion about sleeping arrangements. Now, I really wasnt planning on sleeping with him, not least because I hadnt shaved my legs or my bikini line, and generally looked like crap by 5 in the morning! But he wouldnt let me sleep on the sofa and rah de rah de rah, we both agree to sleep upstairs.
Now for a boy who had professed to be shy all week, once we were in bed it took about 10 secs for us to be snogging, and a further 2 minutes for me to be whipping my clothes off, sucking his cock and then straddling him. The sex was hard and fast and just fucking great, seriously fucking great, and I went to sleep (about 6am!!), tired, cuddled up to him and happy. Morning came, and I awoke to the feel of him spooning me from behind, with a hard on pressed into my buttocks, and more shagging commenced. All good.
Due to the clocks changing last night, and my bedside alarm being out before the change, our addled brains couldn't cope with the time change and we left to take him back to his hometown about 10.30am (we thought) as he had to take his boy to football practice. Half way there, we realise its actually only 9am, goddamn!! So, I dropped him off at the shop to get a paper, we kissed, and we both agreed to meet Thursday, as originally planned. He was like I'll definitely see you Thursday.
At 10.10am I get a text...
MW - OG, thinking about last night, and it shouldn't have happened. I should have stayed with my mates. I don't want to give you false hope. I feel really bad.
What the fuck!!!!! I tell you, fucking knobhead!!! That was my initial reaction. Why the fuck do men do that? Bring the fucker on and on bigtime and then change their fucking minds!!! It pisses me off, seriously seriously pisses me off, and is the one thing I never never do. I never promise myself lightly, I never lead people to believe I want one thing when actually I'm not sure. And it really really hacks me off that I increasingly seem to hear of more and more men that do this. Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers!
Me - What's that all about MW? Take it you're not interested in seeing me again then?
No response.
Me - Disappointed in you MW. Thought we were both grown ups! Last night didn't give me false hope, it was the bringing it on bigtime the whole week before . No need for that! Your loss though mate
And despite the bravery of my last comment, not only am I pissed off, but now I'm fucking gutted, because I really like him. He's fit, he's funny, he's generally an all round honey. And now I feel like some pathetic, ugly, fat, crap fuck, and I'm fucking tired of playing this stupid fucking "love" game. It's too fucking hard!
At 12.07pm he texts...
MW - I'm an alcoholic. You don't need that in your life. I'm still drinking now. I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry??!!!!! You make a decision about what I need in my life with no input from me (another fucking DM), and thats it?? I'm meant to just accept your fucking decision??!! Fuck you with your sorry! So, needless to say, over the next few hours, the following sorry arsed texts were sent by me...
Me - You have no idea what I need in my life! I guess I should have expected to not be important enough for you to bother even trying to find out.
Me - You know, I was there for you a long time ago. You didn't want me then. I'm still here for you now but you still don't want me. So why did you let me think you did?
Because he fucking did!!! Gave it the big one about how much he wanted to be with someone, and how he wanted to do all the stuff he does with his mates with a girlfriend, etc etc. And you don't say shit like that to people unless you're thinking maybe they could be that person!!!
Me - I really, really fucking liked you! Good stuff, bad stuff, baggage and all. And if you want to dwell on how shit your life is then fucking go right ahead. If you want better instead, which means taking risks and making changes, then let me know. If not then I won't bother you again x
Me - PS. If you'd bothered to ask you'd know I went out with an alcoholic for two years. It was him not wanting to fuck that finished us, not his drinking
No reply to any of them. No fucking sense to any of it.
I feel shit. And I'm tired of this. Tired of opening myself up to all of this hurt.
Today I hate myself
And pathetic and unrealistic as it may be I want to rewind my life to last October when I loved somebody and they loved me and I was happy all the time. I miss my DM. I miss that life I had. And I wish he hadn't left me to deal with all this fucking crap I bring on myself.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Funky pants
Not to be outdone by Joie's delightful smurfy buttocks http://significantrant.blogspot.com/ I have decided to post some buttocks of my own...
* Please note, viewers of a nervous disposition may need to look away now, as the following buttocks are in no way as pert and perfect as the lovely Joie's (grrr, damn I'm so jealous of that peachy blue bottom), and I accept no responsibility for any distress or damage subsequently caused...!
** Please also note, the angle of the camera has of course made my arse look WAY bigger than it is in real life!!! (yeah right!)
(SORRY! You're too late now!!)
Interestingly, these are the pants I wore the last time me and DM shagged as an official couple (and damn that was a good shag!), I haven't worn them since! Felt the need to get them out of the drawer today and let them see some light again. I guess that's a good thing :-)
* Please note, viewers of a nervous disposition may need to look away now, as the following buttocks are in no way as pert and perfect as the lovely Joie's (grrr, damn I'm so jealous of that peachy blue bottom), and I accept no responsibility for any distress or damage subsequently caused...!
** Please also note, the angle of the camera has of course made my arse look WAY bigger than it is in real life!!! (yeah right!)
(SORRY! You're too late now!!)
Interestingly, these are the pants I wore the last time me and DM shagged as an official couple (and damn that was a good shag!), I haven't worn them since! Felt the need to get them out of the drawer today and let them see some light again. I guess that's a good thing :-)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Spread the love...!
Everyone please go give Me some good vibes, I insist!!
http://lifeandlovesofawildcat.blogspot.com/
http://lifeandlovesofawildcat.blogspot.com/
Oh my god oh my god oh my god
I have just been chatting to MW, the first of my 3 significant men, from a long time ago, see here http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/dm-part-1.html for further details.
Was on the phone to my mate and she mentioned he had a myspace account, so thought I would go check it out and say hi. I have tried to contact him on friendsreunited before to no avail and it all ended rather messily, with him practically accusing me of being a psychotic stalker (who me??), so I was kind of expecting him to ignore me.
He didnt!!! In fact we have spent the last two hours chatting on messenger, have exchanged phone numbers, texted several times and arranged to meet a week on Thursday!!!! Oh my fucking god!!!! I can't believe it. Seriously seriously can't believe it!! I have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I must be wearing eau de whore or something.
But I am so fucking happy and excited I can't tell you!!! Because I fucking adored this man. In a big big way. And now he's single, and seemingly sorted, and I'm seeing him!!!!
And oh my god, my life is fucking crazy and I fucking love it!!!!!!
Was on the phone to my mate and she mentioned he had a myspace account, so thought I would go check it out and say hi. I have tried to contact him on friendsreunited before to no avail and it all ended rather messily, with him practically accusing me of being a psychotic stalker (who me??), so I was kind of expecting him to ignore me.
He didnt!!! In fact we have spent the last two hours chatting on messenger, have exchanged phone numbers, texted several times and arranged to meet a week on Thursday!!!! Oh my fucking god!!!! I can't believe it. Seriously seriously can't believe it!! I have no idea what is going on in my life at the moment. I must be wearing eau de whore or something.
But I am so fucking happy and excited I can't tell you!!! Because I fucking adored this man. In a big big way. And now he's single, and seemingly sorted, and I'm seeing him!!!!
And oh my god, my life is fucking crazy and I fucking love it!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Inspired
Inspired by Sleepless' recent post http://sleeplessinstaffordshire.blogspot.com/2006/10/20-questions-why-am-i-still-single.html I decided I should do something similar myself about why I'm still single (well I suppose technically not!), so here goes....
HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG????!!!!!!!!
Say no more really!
HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG????!!!!!!!!
Say no more really!
Bugger all!
Yep, that is pretty much precisely what I have done today!!
Had the day off, because of half term holidays, so got up reasonably late, did a bit of blog checking, took Y to the orthodontist for a bottom set of braces (bless his little pearly whites), did some washing, and some more washing, ignored the puddle leaking from the bottom of my washing machine, cooked and ate some dinner, looked at the hoover and thought "fuck the hoovering", and now blogging again!
It's a hard life for some you know!!
Oh, and my mouse seems to be protesting at the amount of action it's getting lately! (That's my computer mouse not some new sex toy! You sick sick perverts...!), and is now refusing to go up and down properly. Which I have to say is damn annoying when you have a blogging addiction to feed!!
So, if I disappear for a few days, blame it on the mouse!!
Had the day off, because of half term holidays, so got up reasonably late, did a bit of blog checking, took Y to the orthodontist for a bottom set of braces (bless his little pearly whites), did some washing, and some more washing, ignored the puddle leaking from the bottom of my washing machine, cooked and ate some dinner, looked at the hoover and thought "fuck the hoovering", and now blogging again!
It's a hard life for some you know!!
Oh, and my mouse seems to be protesting at the amount of action it's getting lately! (That's my computer mouse not some new sex toy! You sick sick perverts...!), and is now refusing to go up and down properly. Which I have to say is damn annoying when you have a blogging addiction to feed!!
So, if I disappear for a few days, blame it on the mouse!!
It never rains....
Just realised that I am currently in a real life "relationship", all be it not terrifically serious or fantastically successful, but all good in it's own way, also flirting with 2 other different men, 1 mildly and 1 more seriously, still pining (although much less) for my unrequited DM, and now taking tentative steps towards moving an online meet to a real life one!!
Insane?? Maybe...!
Perhaps this is what you get after an 8 month self imposed "drought"!!
And on that note... off to bed (on my bloody own!!!)
Insane?? Maybe...!
Perhaps this is what you get after an 8 month self imposed "drought"!!
And on that note... off to bed (on my bloody own!!!)
Monday, October 23, 2006
Somebody stop me!!!
Guess how long I held off before texting Sexy Gardener?!! Yep, that's right, managed to last a whole ten and a half hours!!!
Lol, I tell you, I feel like Jim Carrey in 'The Mask', screaming "SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!!!". The mania is starting to creep on me....!
I figure it's a coping mechanism in my brain. Love fucking sucks, so may as well stick with sluttiness. At least you don't let people into your heart to trample all over you. At the minute I feel like a drug addict who's survived detox only to start overdosing on alcohol! Or some other such metaphorical bullshit! Perhaps I'm on self destruct, because I tell you, I seem to thrive on making things as complicated as they can be!
Anyway, Sexy Gardener (SG) update. Even thinking about him gets me seriously hot. No, really!!! When he's here I can't keep eye contact with him for too long because I don't trust myself not to drool, or launch myself at him, or generally make a twat of myself!** He is possibly the only man I seriously looked at when I was with DM, not that I would have pursued it then. Why would I? In fact I remember us talking about it, and then DM dropping me right in it by telling SG that I'd just been telling him how much I liked him!! I tell you, I could have died. And poor SG, who'd only been once or twice at this point, looked like he wanted to scarper. DM found it most amusing though. Bastard!
As I said, I managed to wait until 9am before I texted SG...
"Morning sexy gardener (I actually put that, haven't put it in here in place of his name) :-) I get paid Friday if you want to pop round. I can leave it with Y or you can come early evening if you fancy a chinwag? And don't forget my book, I'm in need of some imagination stimulus right now! etc x"
So, I'd kept it light and friendly, not too blatant but equally quite flirty. Didn't bloody hear from him all day!!!!
Was just thinking I may have come on too strong, and that I should have left it because he is probably going through shit with his wife, and oh what a selfish bitch I must be not to have taken his feelings into consideration, etc etc.
When finally! At 5.34pm no less!!! I get a reply....
"Hi ya hun. Just got your text. Sexy?? Are you sure you haven't got another gardener?? Friday pm sounds good. Will bring book. I will text you Friday to see where you're at. Big luv. Me xxx"
I haven't replied yet. May do in the morning. All good though. I love, love, love flirting with SG!!!
** For my rl reader 'Disco", it's truly a bit of a Math moment!!
Lol, I tell you, I feel like Jim Carrey in 'The Mask', screaming "SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!!!". The mania is starting to creep on me....!
I figure it's a coping mechanism in my brain. Love fucking sucks, so may as well stick with sluttiness. At least you don't let people into your heart to trample all over you. At the minute I feel like a drug addict who's survived detox only to start overdosing on alcohol! Or some other such metaphorical bullshit! Perhaps I'm on self destruct, because I tell you, I seem to thrive on making things as complicated as they can be!
Anyway, Sexy Gardener (SG) update. Even thinking about him gets me seriously hot. No, really!!! When he's here I can't keep eye contact with him for too long because I don't trust myself not to drool, or launch myself at him, or generally make a twat of myself!** He is possibly the only man I seriously looked at when I was with DM, not that I would have pursued it then. Why would I? In fact I remember us talking about it, and then DM dropping me right in it by telling SG that I'd just been telling him how much I liked him!! I tell you, I could have died. And poor SG, who'd only been once or twice at this point, looked like he wanted to scarper. DM found it most amusing though. Bastard!
As I said, I managed to wait until 9am before I texted SG...
"Morning sexy gardener (I actually put that, haven't put it in here in place of his name) :-) I get paid Friday if you want to pop round. I can leave it with Y or you can come early evening if you fancy a chinwag? And don't forget my book, I'm in need of some imagination stimulus right now! etc x"
So, I'd kept it light and friendly, not too blatant but equally quite flirty. Didn't bloody hear from him all day!!!!
Was just thinking I may have come on too strong, and that I should have left it because he is probably going through shit with his wife, and oh what a selfish bitch I must be not to have taken his feelings into consideration, etc etc.
When finally! At 5.34pm no less!!! I get a reply....
"Hi ya hun. Just got your text. Sexy?? Are you sure you haven't got another gardener?? Friday pm sounds good. Will bring book. I will text you Friday to see where you're at. Big luv. Me xxx"
I haven't replied yet. May do in the morning. All good though. I love, love, love flirting with SG!!!
** For my rl reader 'Disco", it's truly a bit of a Math moment!!
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Sexy Gardener update!
Just heard from a friend that Sexy Gardener is not happy in his marriage and is talking about a temporary split!! That may explain the recent flirty flirty texts I got from him. Have had to be very good and stop myself from texting him a flirty message! But after all he does still need paying, and to drop round his saucy book, so I'm sure I won't be able to hold out much longer...! God, I'm incorrigible!!!
Of course, it's all DMs fault!! If he was here I wouldn't be so bloody rampant and dissatisfied! I take no responsibility :-)
Of course, it's all DMs fault!! If he was here I wouldn't be so bloody rampant and dissatisfied! I take no responsibility :-)
Posts for the future
In no particular order...
1. What I love about men and their cocks to include blowjobs, manners and swallowing
2. Women, orgasms and sex
3. Sexual submission and real life dominance
4. Dating with kids
4. To settle or not to settle, that is the question
5. Shakespeare - Mercutio
Just thought I would post this to remind myself of things I wanted to post about.
1. What I love about men and their cocks to include blowjobs, manners and swallowing
2. Women, orgasms and sex
3. Sexual submission and real life dominance
4. Dating with kids
4. To settle or not to settle, that is the question
5. Shakespeare - Mercutio
Just thought I would post this to remind myself of things I wanted to post about.
Disturbing
I'm a little disturbed by how much I am attracted to a fellow blogger!! Without knowing what he looks like or anything about him other than what he writes on his blog and comments on others. I revel in reading his blog, yet today found myself ever so slightly jealous at some of his posts! Weird!!
I'm not going to embarrass myself or him by naming him. He may have picked up the vibe, you all may, it's not important to draw attention to him/it. I've certainly picked up on "connection vibes" between other fellow bloggers, again, not that I need to draw attention to individuals. I'm just posting about it because I'm curious about the fact that I feel like this, and would like to remember it for the future.
And I wonder... could two completely candid bloggers ever make the transition into a real time meeting? Would the frankness of writing be a help or a hindrance to that? I don't know, and right now it is not something that I am actively thinking about pursuing. It's just strange I think.
Perhaps I'm just horny!! Perhaps I'm attracted to complications. Perhaps I prefer the stuff of my head to the stuff of reality. Perhaps I shall always be a malcontent!!
I'm not going to embarrass myself or him by naming him. He may have picked up the vibe, you all may, it's not important to draw attention to him/it. I've certainly picked up on "connection vibes" between other fellow bloggers, again, not that I need to draw attention to individuals. I'm just posting about it because I'm curious about the fact that I feel like this, and would like to remember it for the future.
And I wonder... could two completely candid bloggers ever make the transition into a real time meeting? Would the frankness of writing be a help or a hindrance to that? I don't know, and right now it is not something that I am actively thinking about pursuing. It's just strange I think.
Perhaps I'm just horny!! Perhaps I'm attracted to complications. Perhaps I prefer the stuff of my head to the stuff of reality. Perhaps I shall always be a malcontent!!
Improvements
I spent the majority of last night in a village working men's club! What the fuck!!!! How did I go from hot cool dates with DM to fucking working men's clubs with CM??? That is something that will definitely need addressing. I may be a divey pub kind of girl but I draw the line at WMC's! I will allow it as a one off, as we went to meet up with a couple of his mates that live in the village (the same village I lived in from 10-19 and would not return to!!), one of which was M. Which I have to say was a little strange, and slightly uncomfortable for the both of us, though CM seemed fine with it.
The difficulty was that I have always been quite flirty with M, and lots of banter etc, and it doesn't feel appropriate to be like that with him no - don't want to give anybody the wrong impressions. So, I'm not sure how to be with him. He seemed fine most of the night, I was quite quiet, not my usually gobby self, because of the situation and also because I don't know the other people fantastically well, but he did mention at the beginning (it was just me and him at that point), that he was glad me and CM had got it together. I just kind of dismissed it, and didn't really get the chance to comment after that. Though what would I say anyway?? He seemed fine for most of the evening, but that said I did feel he struggled a couple of times, and when CM and I went to leave (before the others) he did seem a little odd. And CM commented on that himself after we had gone, so it wasn't just me. His bloody loss though, he could have had a fucking great fuck buddy relationship if he had put a bit of effort in.
Have to say, I did find myself looking at M's hands and thinking 'those fingers have been inside me'. And then going on to think about how good it had felt when he slid his cock into me. And then had to stop myself having those wicked thoughts!
Anyway, enough thoughts about M! Sex with CM is looking up a little. Not sure if it was because he had had a few beers last night and was more relaxed but it was much much better. Which is a fucking good thing! Still not perfect, and still struggling with his size, and the fact that he is not DM, but generally it was the best it's been so there is hope!!
The only downside is I'm just not sure his sex drive is as high as mine, or sex is as important to him. I woke up this morning, and knew he had to leave quite early because he had some stuff planned today, but still felt the need to have a bit of a play with his chest, stomach, tops of thighs, etc - just skimming over his cock occasionally, which usually gives most men the green light for a nice lazy morning quickie, but I didn't really get a reaction! And definitely not him getting a raging hard on that he was just forced to slide into me!! Bummer!!
I think he is just quite controlled with himself. LIke before we went out last night, we were kissing, and I was straddling him on the sofa, and generally getting quite friendly, and he's a bit "come on, stop it or you'll get me all excited and you don't want to go out smelling all spunky". And I hate that really. I want to be with someone who can't help themselves but want me, (at least most of the time), and that I know fancies the fucking pants off me, and will take the lead and love that I am horny all the time, and will say "fuck going out, get your kit off and get up those stairs". With CM I guess I'm just not sure.
Like I said though, vast improvement on previously, so am sticking with it for a while (don't think it would take much to tempt me away though!), and keeping my fingers crossed. Probably not going to see him again until Sunday though, which is a fucker as I kind of want to pick up the pace now it's improved. And I'm still bloody horny!!
I have a real thing in my head at the moment about wanting to be tied and blindfolded and be free to be able to selfishly submit to some serious pleasure from a skilled skilled man. Think I need the release!
The difficulty was that I have always been quite flirty with M, and lots of banter etc, and it doesn't feel appropriate to be like that with him no - don't want to give anybody the wrong impressions. So, I'm not sure how to be with him. He seemed fine most of the night, I was quite quiet, not my usually gobby self, because of the situation and also because I don't know the other people fantastically well, but he did mention at the beginning (it was just me and him at that point), that he was glad me and CM had got it together. I just kind of dismissed it, and didn't really get the chance to comment after that. Though what would I say anyway?? He seemed fine for most of the evening, but that said I did feel he struggled a couple of times, and when CM and I went to leave (before the others) he did seem a little odd. And CM commented on that himself after we had gone, so it wasn't just me. His bloody loss though, he could have had a fucking great fuck buddy relationship if he had put a bit of effort in.
Have to say, I did find myself looking at M's hands and thinking 'those fingers have been inside me'. And then going on to think about how good it had felt when he slid his cock into me. And then had to stop myself having those wicked thoughts!
Anyway, enough thoughts about M! Sex with CM is looking up a little. Not sure if it was because he had had a few beers last night and was more relaxed but it was much much better. Which is a fucking good thing! Still not perfect, and still struggling with his size, and the fact that he is not DM, but generally it was the best it's been so there is hope!!
The only downside is I'm just not sure his sex drive is as high as mine, or sex is as important to him. I woke up this morning, and knew he had to leave quite early because he had some stuff planned today, but still felt the need to have a bit of a play with his chest, stomach, tops of thighs, etc - just skimming over his cock occasionally, which usually gives most men the green light for a nice lazy morning quickie, but I didn't really get a reaction! And definitely not him getting a raging hard on that he was just forced to slide into me!! Bummer!!
I think he is just quite controlled with himself. LIke before we went out last night, we were kissing, and I was straddling him on the sofa, and generally getting quite friendly, and he's a bit "come on, stop it or you'll get me all excited and you don't want to go out smelling all spunky". And I hate that really. I want to be with someone who can't help themselves but want me, (at least most of the time), and that I know fancies the fucking pants off me, and will take the lead and love that I am horny all the time, and will say "fuck going out, get your kit off and get up those stairs". With CM I guess I'm just not sure.
Like I said though, vast improvement on previously, so am sticking with it for a while (don't think it would take much to tempt me away though!), and keeping my fingers crossed. Probably not going to see him again until Sunday though, which is a fucker as I kind of want to pick up the pace now it's improved. And I'm still bloody horny!!
I have a real thing in my head at the moment about wanting to be tied and blindfolded and be free to be able to selfishly submit to some serious pleasure from a skilled skilled man. Think I need the release!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Wanking - damn it!!
Bloody wanking!! After my permanently horny state all day, I finally get the opportunity to get some orgasmic release, only for my vibrator to run out of batteries half way through. Right near the important moment!!! And what's worse is that they didn't run out completely, but it would turn back on for 30 seconds only to cut out, and then back on, and then off, and so on and so on. Damn annoying!! And that completely ruined my line of thought, just as I was getting into a particularly hot part of my daydream, and then I couldn't get my thread again.
And that's another thing!! Why does my brain wander between random fantasies instead of just sticking to one?? One minute I'm thinking about riding DG, then I'm thinking about DM going down on me, then I'm thinking about being tied naked and blindfolded to the bed whilst several men take their pleasure with me, then I'm sucking DM's cock, then I'm straddling CM, then I'm back to DM telling me he's going to make me beg for it, and then... and so on and so on. It's most distracting to have a million (well four or five) different scenarios running through your head like somebody has your fantasy remote control and is channel hopping!!
So, I got there in the end, and it was a bit of a double orgasm I have to say, but it feels somehow unsatisfactory! I want to be coming on somebody, not on my hand/vibrator.
Roll on tonight! Think I may have to just go to town on him. It's been too long since I've cum with somebody else instead of just myself!!
And that's another thing!! Why does my brain wander between random fantasies instead of just sticking to one?? One minute I'm thinking about riding DG, then I'm thinking about DM going down on me, then I'm thinking about being tied naked and blindfolded to the bed whilst several men take their pleasure with me, then I'm sucking DM's cock, then I'm straddling CM, then I'm back to DM telling me he's going to make me beg for it, and then... and so on and so on. It's most distracting to have a million (well four or five) different scenarios running through your head like somebody has your fantasy remote control and is channel hopping!!
So, I got there in the end, and it was a bit of a double orgasm I have to say, but it feels somehow unsatisfactory! I want to be coming on somebody, not on my hand/vibrator.
Roll on tonight! Think I may have to just go to town on him. It's been too long since I've cum with somebody else instead of just myself!!
Flirting
Had a long hard day at work yesterday, spending all afternoon in a drug clinic with clients. Loving it though. Didn't leave until nearly 7pm, and then picked up X from a friends and stayed for a chat, before doing a MacDonalds run for darling X who had had dinner already but was "starving". Poor little mite! Yeah right!!!
Ended up not getting home til about 8.30pm so had to text CM and tell him not to rush as the house looked like a bomb had hit it and I'd only just got in. And my bastard cat has been peeing in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact he has a litter tray. Bloody animal!!! So after putting X to bed, washing up, tidying and hoovering, I had to hunt high and low for a damp patch and then Febreze and air freshener the place thoroughly.
Anyway, enough with the humdrum, the important thing (lol) is that CM came over, we did the usual chat, tv, snuggle, non-sexual thing for ages and then finally managed to get it on!! Hoobloodyrah!! I got a shag! Yay! We still need to do some serious work on it unfortunately, but there was a little progress. I think he needs some confidence building and a few directions in finesse, and I need to get used to shagging someone so big (unfortunately NOT in that department before you think it!!!), but it has potential. And we get to practise again tonight!
But what is it about getting sex that makes you want more?!! Because today I am as horny as Little Miss Horny from Horny Street in Hornytown, Hornsville! Seriously! I went shopping this morning and was sure people could see a damp patch seeping through my combats! Even sitting here typing this I'm soaking wet and all throbby and just generally grrrr!!!
I woke up like this, after having a very bizarre and rather naughty dream about an old flirt (never touched unfortunately) friend of mine (now married), who shall henceforth be known as Diamond Geezer (DG) because basically he is an absolute diamond. The dream was about this blog of someone having an affair, which was quite explicit, and I had been reading it and realised it was DG. And then as dreams do that weird twisting thing I was suddenly the girl that he was having the affair with and we were getting all fruity and so on, until I had to wake up. Boo!!
I have to say this is not the first time I have had saucy dreams about DG, who I don't see/speak to anywhere near enough these days, but it is the first time I have dreamt about a blog! Damn addictive blogland!!
Anyway, so I woke all horny and wet, and with my brain still twisted by the state of my libido I did a naughty thing....
I texted DG!
'Hello DG. Just woke up from a really bizarre dream about you! So thought I'd say hi. Hope you all good x'
See, I'm a bad bad girl. And I need to be punished :-) I think I must need the drama in my life!
Now, I had kept it reasonably light, as firstly he is married and there is a possibility his wife could read it, but also because although we have been flirty, as I said, I don't really see him too much anymore, and nothing has ever happened between us in the past (he's another one like CM that I went out with one of his mates years and years ago and then shagged his other mate several times on and off about 6 yrs ago! - in fact we always joke I need to do DG to get the hat trick!), although we have raised it as a possibility at times, and I wish I had!
His answer, pretty quickly...
'Was it rude?'
Oooh, the horniness is not being helped by this!! What am I doing? I like it, but keep it light...
'Maybe a little :-)'
His response...
'Can you be a bit more specific. What sort of condition did you wake in..?'
Hmmm, some fishing I think. Like the flirting but not feeling in the mood to get into full blown text sex in the middle of Tesco's...
'You are a bad man! Let's just say I've got ants in my pants now!'
And then a long long pause before....
'Hope you are keeping well. Moving to "more local town" soon so should get to "hometown" a bit more. Also working back in "hometown" after a year in "not very local town".
What?? Where did that come from?? A most odd response. So I wrote it off as a mixed message situation, decided to stick with friendly and replied...
'I'm all good cheers. Let me know if you're about. Be cool to catch up. Take care x'
And then I get this...
'Take care and may all your dreams come true.'
I tell you, that kind of bizarre subtle flirting is enough to tip a horny girl right over the edge! Yum yum yum. Strange, granted! But yum yum nonetheless. It's like Sexy Gardener http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/sexy-gardener-and-random-texts.html#links , I just love those random flirtations :-)
So, X is off to her daddy's at 4.30pm, to stay overnight, Y is already at his for the weekend, so I only have 3 hours to kill until an empty house, when I'm going to be doing some serious playing with that wet, throbbing part of me whilst thinking of DG...
(If I can last that long!!!)
Ended up not getting home til about 8.30pm so had to text CM and tell him not to rush as the house looked like a bomb had hit it and I'd only just got in. And my bastard cat has been peeing in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact he has a litter tray. Bloody animal!!! So after putting X to bed, washing up, tidying and hoovering, I had to hunt high and low for a damp patch and then Febreze and air freshener the place thoroughly.
Anyway, enough with the humdrum, the important thing (lol) is that CM came over, we did the usual chat, tv, snuggle, non-sexual thing for ages and then finally managed to get it on!! Hoobloodyrah!! I got a shag! Yay! We still need to do some serious work on it unfortunately, but there was a little progress. I think he needs some confidence building and a few directions in finesse, and I need to get used to shagging someone so big (unfortunately NOT in that department before you think it!!!), but it has potential. And we get to practise again tonight!
But what is it about getting sex that makes you want more?!! Because today I am as horny as Little Miss Horny from Horny Street in Hornytown, Hornsville! Seriously! I went shopping this morning and was sure people could see a damp patch seeping through my combats! Even sitting here typing this I'm soaking wet and all throbby and just generally grrrr!!!
I woke up like this, after having a very bizarre and rather naughty dream about an old flirt (never touched unfortunately) friend of mine (now married), who shall henceforth be known as Diamond Geezer (DG) because basically he is an absolute diamond. The dream was about this blog of someone having an affair, which was quite explicit, and I had been reading it and realised it was DG. And then as dreams do that weird twisting thing I was suddenly the girl that he was having the affair with and we were getting all fruity and so on, until I had to wake up. Boo!!
I have to say this is not the first time I have had saucy dreams about DG, who I don't see/speak to anywhere near enough these days, but it is the first time I have dreamt about a blog! Damn addictive blogland!!
Anyway, so I woke all horny and wet, and with my brain still twisted by the state of my libido I did a naughty thing....
I texted DG!
'Hello DG. Just woke up from a really bizarre dream about you! So thought I'd say hi. Hope you all good x'
See, I'm a bad bad girl. And I need to be punished :-) I think I must need the drama in my life!
Now, I had kept it reasonably light, as firstly he is married and there is a possibility his wife could read it, but also because although we have been flirty, as I said, I don't really see him too much anymore, and nothing has ever happened between us in the past (he's another one like CM that I went out with one of his mates years and years ago and then shagged his other mate several times on and off about 6 yrs ago! - in fact we always joke I need to do DG to get the hat trick!), although we have raised it as a possibility at times, and I wish I had!
His answer, pretty quickly...
'Was it rude?'
Oooh, the horniness is not being helped by this!! What am I doing? I like it, but keep it light...
'Maybe a little :-)'
His response...
'Can you be a bit more specific. What sort of condition did you wake in..?'
Hmmm, some fishing I think. Like the flirting but not feeling in the mood to get into full blown text sex in the middle of Tesco's...
'You are a bad man! Let's just say I've got ants in my pants now!'
And then a long long pause before....
'Hope you are keeping well. Moving to "more local town" soon so should get to "hometown" a bit more. Also working back in "hometown" after a year in "not very local town".
What?? Where did that come from?? A most odd response. So I wrote it off as a mixed message situation, decided to stick with friendly and replied...
'I'm all good cheers. Let me know if you're about. Be cool to catch up. Take care x'
And then I get this...
'Take care and may all your dreams come true.'
I tell you, that kind of bizarre subtle flirting is enough to tip a horny girl right over the edge! Yum yum yum. Strange, granted! But yum yum nonetheless. It's like Sexy Gardener http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/sexy-gardener-and-random-texts.html#links , I just love those random flirtations :-)
So, X is off to her daddy's at 4.30pm, to stay overnight, Y is already at his for the weekend, so I only have 3 hours to kill until an empty house, when I'm going to be doing some serious playing with that wet, throbbing part of me whilst thinking of DG...
(If I can last that long!!!)
Friday, October 20, 2006
Out of my mind
I really am some kind of crazy woman! I set off tonight all happy and jolly to see CM, a little early because I was ready, so thought I would have an hour of nice night time driving. My favourite. I literally drive for hours sometimes going nowhere and for no reason.
I headed towards CM's town, and then turned back around to mine just to enjoy my music and driving and to kill the time. Halfway there I just got a massive compulsion, and that is what it is like, a craving almost, to drive towards DM's house. Seriously, it was like every fibre of my being telling me to go there. Like a fucking homing pigeon!! Which is stupid because he doesn't even live there anymore!! And I just got really blue about that and ended up having a few tears. And I got to thinking... if something happened to me, he wouldn't know. (Up until last week he was still my ICE number in my phone!), and if he found out how would he feel? Would he regret his decision? Would he be sad at missed opportunities? I don't know and I don't suppose it matters, but it drives me mad that I can't switch off from him, that I still drive 30 miles to a house he doesn't live in anymore!! I actuallygot half way there before I was capable of turning the car around and heading to CM's, which meant I was about an hour late getting to him.
Why do I do this crazy stuff?? I'm glad I don't have his number any more because I definitely would have text him tonight, and I can't do that anymore. Not because I don't want to, I do, he is in my head nearly all the time at the moment, but because I know there is no point. Even if he texts back it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he's coming back.
So, I turned the car around (reluctantly) and headed to my 'moving forward'. And had a nice night. I always do with CM, he really makes me smile. No funny business, taking that nice and slow, but good nonetheless.
I headed towards CM's town, and then turned back around to mine just to enjoy my music and driving and to kill the time. Halfway there I just got a massive compulsion, and that is what it is like, a craving almost, to drive towards DM's house. Seriously, it was like every fibre of my being telling me to go there. Like a fucking homing pigeon!! Which is stupid because he doesn't even live there anymore!! And I just got really blue about that and ended up having a few tears. And I got to thinking... if something happened to me, he wouldn't know. (Up until last week he was still my ICE number in my phone!), and if he found out how would he feel? Would he regret his decision? Would he be sad at missed opportunities? I don't know and I don't suppose it matters, but it drives me mad that I can't switch off from him, that I still drive 30 miles to a house he doesn't live in anymore!! I actuallygot half way there before I was capable of turning the car around and heading to CM's, which meant I was about an hour late getting to him.
Why do I do this crazy stuff?? I'm glad I don't have his number any more because I definitely would have text him tonight, and I can't do that anymore. Not because I don't want to, I do, he is in my head nearly all the time at the moment, but because I know there is no point. Even if he texts back it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean he's coming back.
So, I turned the car around (reluctantly) and headed to my 'moving forward'. And had a nice night. I always do with CM, he really makes me smile. No funny business, taking that nice and slow, but good nonetheless.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Woohoo!
Change of plans for me... instead of a long day at work, outreach has been cancelled leaving me with a babysitter and nowhere to go! So I'm off to see CM for a while in a bit. Hooray!
For joe!
Thought I'd better do some posting about CM (as specially requested by Joe http://amalemind.blogspot.com/ !), and I realise I have neglected him on here of late.
Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.
If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.
So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".
A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.
I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).
After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.
On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.
Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).
So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.
It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.
I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.
Before I start, I realise that it's probably difficult to appreciate how I can be going on (and on and on and on!) about DM and yet forging ahead with a relationship with CM. So, I have mentioned this before but will try and explain this further.
1. DM is my one true love (I truly believe that).
2. If DM was here, CM (or any other man in the world) would not be an issue.
3. DM is not here, and is not likely to be here in the near future, if ever!
4. DM has a girlfriend, a long-term live-in girlfriend.
5. I like CM, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him.
6. CM is here, and makes me feel good about myself.
7. I am trying to move forward.
8. CM is not DM and never will be.
9. I don't know if 8 will ever stop mattering.
If that doesn't make it as clear as anything possibly can be when it concerns love, rejection, lust, etc etc etc, then tough, I can't think of another way to say it. In my head they are two seperate things, in my life they are two seperate things, neither one diminishes the way I feel about the other (although they are very different feelings). Am I settling? I don't know. Am I using CM? I don't think so. Am I betraying DM? Logically no, emotionally, maybe? Am I going to worry about it? No.
So, while all the emotional DM upheaval has been going on in the last week or so, the CM situation has also been going on in "real life".
A quick recap... have known CM for about 8yrs, went out very briefly with his cousin (KD) at about this time, and more recently have slept with their mutual friend M a couple of times which wasn't really going anywhere anyway (mutually). I bumped into CM about four weeks ago (Sat 23rd Sept) and after suddenly realising I fancied the pants off him we decided to go on a date, which I was really really looking forward to. We went out about 3 weeks ago (Thurs 28 Sept) and had a lovely time, with some snogging, but I was a little undecided afterwards, my main concerns being...
1. I was worried he was keener on me than I was on him, and would turn into a puppy.
2. I wasn't sure if I really fancy him
3. I wasn't sure if we're sexually compatible.
I didn't see him for another week, and was quite pleased not to be seeing him, and then he came round (Fri 6 Oct). After a lovely evening, my hormones kicked in good and proper and we ended up lusting on the sofa for several hours, although no further than snogging really. He came round on the Sunday (8 Oct), and we passed a pleasant few hours, but after all the passion of Friday, there was nothing. Not even a snog!! So I kind of text implying we perhaps needed to move this relationship on again, and arranged to go out on the Thursday. Due to work commitments, this got changed and I actually saw him on the Tues (10 Oct).
After an evening of chitter chatter, we finally got round to some serious action, and eventually moved into the bedroom area! And it was okay. Not DM-stomach-churning-fucking-wonderfully-compatible-oh-my- god-we-rock kind of sex, but okay for a first attempt. He hasn't had any physical contact for about 18 months before this, and for the year or so before that I think any sexual advances from him to his wife were probably shunned in the most part. And that was kind of apparent. I don't mean in lack of finesse (though there is maybe some work to do there!), but more an insecurity thing I think. And I know I can probably come across as quite intimidating and demanding, though I don't think I am, but I accept I'm not some timid wall flower in that department so he could construe that as pressure. It also felt weird physically, because I usually go for quite slim men, and CM is quite big built, in a broad and solid way, and that may be why I felt like we didn't fit exactly right.
On the positive side, we got the first shag out of the way, and then managed to have a reasonably relaxed naked chat about how things went (perhaps more me chatting than him!), which is always a positive sign. I kind of expected that to be it but then quite unexpectedly, and in reasonable time we ended up shagging again :-) Always a bonus! And that time I nearly came, although I was doing what I know works for me at the time. (As a matter of interest, I haven't had a mutual orgasm since DM - although I must remember to do a whole post about orgasms and women in general at some point), and I didn't leave feel dissatisfied and grumpy about the lack of cumming anyway. It's rare for me to cum the first time I sleep with someone.
Since then, I saw him on Sunday night (15 Oct), although only for a couple of hours, and only slight snogging occurred. He is coming over this Friday, and then I have no kids on Saturday so am seeing him then also (and planning to spend the whole night together - I had to come home the night we shagged).
So, to recap my areas of concern, and to look at the positives...
1. He hasn't turned into a puppy (yet), in fact he has been quite cool with me in some respects. This is a good thing in some ways, and we haven't been texting constantly or anything, just the occasional text to say hi or make arrangements to meet, and I'm cool with that but slightly concerned that I'm cool with that. Most of our meetings have been at my instigation, (and I have wanted to see him), but he is always positive to the invites and hasn't turned me down yet, although he's had unavailable times due to kids.
2. I did want to sleep with him, and have wanted physical contact with him since (although slightly less than before), but I'm not consumed by lust all the time.
3. I'm still not sure we're sexually compatible, but it's hard to tell so early on. I do believe that usually you can tell pretty much the first time you sleep with someone (even if it's not great), but with him and his recent sexual history it may be that there is stuff that needs to be tapped into and that may take time. I don't mind that, it has happened before, but it does need to be there in the first place.
It may seem that I am too focused on the physical stuff. Maybe I am! But that's because I really believe that sex is the glue that keeps a relationship together, otherwise you might as well just be friends. And also it's a part of me, and a part of a relationship that's important to me, although I accept not the be all and end all. Non-physically, he makes me laugh, he has a very dry sense of humour, which is slightly different from my very sarcastic sense of humour but makes me smile. He is also intelligent (but not bookish) and knowledgeable about all sorts of strange things, which makes him interesting company. I know he is a decent and honest man, with a good set of morals and integrity and they are all qualities I admire.
I have a good time when I'm with him, he makes me smile when I think about him, and I have found myself wanting to see him, although I am not consumed with thoughts of him 24hrs a day. If the sex had been magnificent then that may be slightly different! But at the moment, I am trying not to over analyse everything, but just taking it as it comes, and I figure as long as we are enjoying seeing each other and are honest with each other then that is all good. If it feels good then keep doing it, and at the moment it feels pretty good.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Busy, busy
Well I have just finished a 14hr day which started just before 9am and finished about 20mins ago! As a result I'm absolutely shattered. I was also working at home last night until 11.30pm, and that was after X and Y pick up, dinner cooking, sorting washing, washing dishes, putting X and Y to bed, cooking another dinner for tonight and washing dishes again!
I'm not too bad at the minute, think I'm too busy with work to dwell on stuff! I have a couple of posts I want to get down, just a couple of thoughts I have had about relapsing, and of course an update on CM, which I realise I may have neglected lately. In brief I am still seeing him (when we can fit it in!!). Hopefully I will be able to post tomorrow evening, although I have work all day and then a governor's meeting in the evening, followed by another full day at the office and then back out for outreach from 7-11pm on Thursday, so may not manage to post properly before the end of the week.
Ah well, 'the devil makes work for idle hands' and all that!
I'm not too bad at the minute, think I'm too busy with work to dwell on stuff! I have a couple of posts I want to get down, just a couple of thoughts I have had about relapsing, and of course an update on CM, which I realise I may have neglected lately. In brief I am still seeing him (when we can fit it in!!). Hopefully I will be able to post tomorrow evening, although I have work all day and then a governor's meeting in the evening, followed by another full day at the office and then back out for outreach from 7-11pm on Thursday, so may not manage to post properly before the end of the week.
Ah well, 'the devil makes work for idle hands' and all that!
Monday, October 16, 2006
A quickie!!
I am bloody knackered!! So, as I have loads more things to do tonight before I manage to fall into bed, just a quick post for you...
I had this on an email today and couldn't resist it....
Women's Arse Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.The results are pretty interesting:
1. 85% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Will hopefully post again later, but at least the above should keep you going! Relapses and CM to come...
I had this on an email today and couldn't resist it....
Women's Arse Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.The results are pretty interesting:
1. 85% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Will hopefully post again later, but at least the above should keep you going! Relapses and CM to come...
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Why?
Just realised it may not be apparent why I have had a bit of a relapse in my great journey towards closure. Well, you may not have noticed but check out this post again
http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/10/highs-and-lows.html
or more importantly the comments. Or more importantly comment nine!
I know that's DM. I would stake huge amounts of money (that I don't have!) on it. I don't know what he's trying to tell me. It seems pretty obvious from the lyrics, but he made it quite clear in his answers that he doesn't want to be with me. So is he just trying to mess with my head?? Why would he?? But if those lyrics are truly how he feels then why is he there and not here? I know I can make that promise, and keep it, that I would wait for him and will always hold a place for him in my heart. Haven't I made that clear?!! But how do I know to wait when he won't ask me to?
Grrrr!! Questions, questions!!! Why can't either of us just fix this or finish it?!
I wish he would call me and I could hear his voice.
http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/10/highs-and-lows.html
or more importantly the comments. Or more importantly comment nine!
I know that's DM. I would stake huge amounts of money (that I don't have!) on it. I don't know what he's trying to tell me. It seems pretty obvious from the lyrics, but he made it quite clear in his answers that he doesn't want to be with me. So is he just trying to mess with my head?? Why would he?? But if those lyrics are truly how he feels then why is he there and not here? I know I can make that promise, and keep it, that I would wait for him and will always hold a place for him in my heart. Haven't I made that clear?!! But how do I know to wait when he won't ask me to?
Grrrr!! Questions, questions!!! Why can't either of us just fix this or finish it?!
I wish he would call me and I could hear his voice.
Can't keep a good girl down for long! (unless you ask nicely of course!)
Feeling a little better now. Had a long lie in this morning and a lazy day but also managed to do some sorting and cleaning. So can go to bed feeling like I've achieved something. Also just eaten the most delicious roast dinner (cooked by my own fair hands no less!), which was scrummy scrummy scrummy! For all you foriegn fellow bloggers, you probably have no appreciation of a British roast. I tell you, you're missing something. I'm also seeing CM tonight, and I feel good about that. He always cheers me up.
My DM stuff is still there of course. But not so badly today. It has gone back to the normal dull ache I've learnt to live with. But I've been thinking about him today, and how good I think he was for me. How he pushed me into doing stuff that I wouldn't normally do. Little stuff really, like going in a rowing boat, on rides at the fair (believe me folks I am the biggest wuss when it comes to stuff like that), cycling round the park at 3am in the morning, anal sex, realising that I would have moved countries to be with him, just silly things mostly. But he brought those things out in me. That bravery I guess. He made me realise the potential in me to push my limits. When I was with him I think I could have done anything in time with his encouragement. I wonder if he knows that?
And I think I helped him push his limits too. In a different way. I pushed him to confront feelings, to deal with some of his past stuff, to recognise that he wasn't over his ex-wife, to move him back towards a relationship with his father. I might be wrong and assuming too much credit for stuff, but occasionally he needed those emotions prodding and I think I prodded them well. I know he certainly came back often enough for it.
I think that's why we worked so well. (Obviously not well enough in the end!), and I think to lose that, combined with a fantastic sex life, brilliant communication skills, mutual sense of humour and wonderful comfortableness with each other, is just a shame. You don't get that whole package very often. Trust me, I know!
So that's about it for today. Feeling brighter, though a little introspective, and sure I will be back on form very soon. Thanks for all your comments. It's a little bit crazy how you get involved in complete strangers lives, but it's good. And reading all your blogs really helps me to put things in perspective. So, I'm off for a bath and an evening with CM. Will be sure to keep you posted...
My DM stuff is still there of course. But not so badly today. It has gone back to the normal dull ache I've learnt to live with. But I've been thinking about him today, and how good I think he was for me. How he pushed me into doing stuff that I wouldn't normally do. Little stuff really, like going in a rowing boat, on rides at the fair (believe me folks I am the biggest wuss when it comes to stuff like that), cycling round the park at 3am in the morning, anal sex, realising that I would have moved countries to be with him, just silly things mostly. But he brought those things out in me. That bravery I guess. He made me realise the potential in me to push my limits. When I was with him I think I could have done anything in time with his encouragement. I wonder if he knows that?
And I think I helped him push his limits too. In a different way. I pushed him to confront feelings, to deal with some of his past stuff, to recognise that he wasn't over his ex-wife, to move him back towards a relationship with his father. I might be wrong and assuming too much credit for stuff, but occasionally he needed those emotions prodding and I think I prodded them well. I know he certainly came back often enough for it.
I think that's why we worked so well. (Obviously not well enough in the end!), and I think to lose that, combined with a fantastic sex life, brilliant communication skills, mutual sense of humour and wonderful comfortableness with each other, is just a shame. You don't get that whole package very often. Trust me, I know!
So that's about it for today. Feeling brighter, though a little introspective, and sure I will be back on form very soon. Thanks for all your comments. It's a little bit crazy how you get involved in complete strangers lives, but it's good. And reading all your blogs really helps me to put things in perspective. So, I'm off for a bath and an evening with CM. Will be sure to keep you posted...
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Move along!
If you're looking for jollity and japes then move the fuck along. Because there are none here!!
My mood hasn't changed. In fact it's got worse. I have written several posts today that are full of DM and how much I miss him, love him and want him, guess trying to pretend to myself and the world that I don't isn't really working!
I'm having the kind of day where if he'd have been living here still I would have driven the hour to his house just to look up at his windows and know he was safe and well, only to then drive the hour home again. Sad, but true, I know!! I don't know how many nights I spent doing that, sometimes several times a night, for I don't know how many months. Occasionally I still do. Though it's pretty pointless now he's not here anymore. I guess the journey helps me pretend, if only for a little while.
But he isn't here. And that fucking sucks!!
So, now you all know quite how fucking deranged I can be, I'm sure you'll be staying well clear of this blog in future. Probably a good job!
My mood hasn't changed. In fact it's got worse. I have written several posts today that are full of DM and how much I miss him, love him and want him, guess trying to pretend to myself and the world that I don't isn't really working!
I'm having the kind of day where if he'd have been living here still I would have driven the hour to his house just to look up at his windows and know he was safe and well, only to then drive the hour home again. Sad, but true, I know!! I don't know how many nights I spent doing that, sometimes several times a night, for I don't know how many months. Occasionally I still do. Though it's pretty pointless now he's not here anymore. I guess the journey helps me pretend, if only for a little while.
But he isn't here. And that fucking sucks!!
So, now you all know quite how fucking deranged I can be, I'm sure you'll be staying well clear of this blog in future. Probably a good job!
Realisation
I've realised over the last few days that back in mid-November when I began fighting for my future, I got it wrong.
Twice in my life before I had felt something reasonably serious about somebody that I believed was reciprocated, and twice before I had shown my vulnerability and my need. Twice before I had opened myself up and trusted in that, only to have that be the thing that drove them away. To be told it was too much, that they needed space, and that because I didn't give them that I had ended up pushing them away. To find out that it wasn't really reciprocated at all.
Because of that, I was scared I was coming on too strong. I was scared that I was frightening him away, I was scared that I seemed too needy, I was scared that he couldn't handle that vulnerable side of me. I was just plain scared.
So, I backed off. I wanted to show him I wasn't needy, wasn't clingy, wasn't pressurising him. I wanted to show him that it was fine, that I could give him space, that I wasn't demanding, that I didn't need him.
I got it wrong.
Twice in my life before I had felt something reasonably serious about somebody that I believed was reciprocated, and twice before I had shown my vulnerability and my need. Twice before I had opened myself up and trusted in that, only to have that be the thing that drove them away. To be told it was too much, that they needed space, and that because I didn't give them that I had ended up pushing them away. To find out that it wasn't really reciprocated at all.
Because of that, I was scared I was coming on too strong. I was scared that I was frightening him away, I was scared that I seemed too needy, I was scared that he couldn't handle that vulnerable side of me. I was just plain scared.
So, I backed off. I wanted to show him I wasn't needy, wasn't clingy, wasn't pressurising him. I wanted to show him that it was fine, that I could give him space, that I wasn't demanding, that I didn't need him.
I got it wrong.
Delusional
I'm afraid my mood hasn't lifted any today folks. So you may be as well to leave right now...
I'm having a day full of DM. So much for being "so over" that! Yeah right!! The problem is that I can move on if I can believe he is not the man I know, not the man I love, and last week that was really where I was at. But now...? Now I'm not so sure.
I realise the problem with this way of thinking is that all it would take to "fix it" (and I know it would need work on trust and communication, etc) is for him to come back. Because if he came back then he would be that man I thought he was, he would be that man I love, it would just mean it took him longer to realise it than it took me. And I think no matter what his answers were, probably affected by my posting about other men/sex, in his heart of hearts he is still undecided. I think that the invisible cord is still there. Maybe only a thread or two of it but still there nonetheless. And the bottom line is, no matter what I know I should be doing, no matter what my head tells me, I want it to still be there. That has always been the problem. It's not that I crave a happy ever after, it's that I want us to have happy ever after. Together.
But maybe I'm delusional. It's so hard to know. I just go round and round in circles. Believing that he loves me, doubting that he ever has. Believing that I know him, wondering who he is. Believing that what we had was too special to end, thinking I am just another girl to him. Round and round and round...
And I know that it's almost laughable to believe in love to that degree. To believe in someone to that extent. I know that anybody who happens across my blog will be thinking "Jeez, wake up and smell the coffee girl". I know he moved 5000 miles away from me. I know he lives in sunny California, in a beautiful apartment, and earns lots of money, and has opportunities to travel, and more choice about how he lives his life than most people can imagine. I know he has a perfect, tiny, skinny, PhD, high earning, no baggage, black belt, whippet racing, safe new prissy fucking girlfriend. I know he has a "perfect" life.
And I know that I can't match that. That all I have to offer is a fucking crappy council house, and a fair to middling wage, and two bratty children, and lumps and bumps, and demaningness, and early morning grumpiness, and a million other not attractive things.
So why the fuck would he even consider it??!
I'm having a day full of DM. So much for being "so over" that! Yeah right!! The problem is that I can move on if I can believe he is not the man I know, not the man I love, and last week that was really where I was at. But now...? Now I'm not so sure.
I realise the problem with this way of thinking is that all it would take to "fix it" (and I know it would need work on trust and communication, etc) is for him to come back. Because if he came back then he would be that man I thought he was, he would be that man I love, it would just mean it took him longer to realise it than it took me. And I think no matter what his answers were, probably affected by my posting about other men/sex, in his heart of hearts he is still undecided. I think that the invisible cord is still there. Maybe only a thread or two of it but still there nonetheless. And the bottom line is, no matter what I know I should be doing, no matter what my head tells me, I want it to still be there. That has always been the problem. It's not that I crave a happy ever after, it's that I want us to have happy ever after. Together.
But maybe I'm delusional. It's so hard to know. I just go round and round in circles. Believing that he loves me, doubting that he ever has. Believing that I know him, wondering who he is. Believing that what we had was too special to end, thinking I am just another girl to him. Round and round and round...
And I know that it's almost laughable to believe in love to that degree. To believe in someone to that extent. I know that anybody who happens across my blog will be thinking "Jeez, wake up and smell the coffee girl". I know he moved 5000 miles away from me. I know he lives in sunny California, in a beautiful apartment, and earns lots of money, and has opportunities to travel, and more choice about how he lives his life than most people can imagine. I know he has a perfect, tiny, skinny, PhD, high earning, no baggage, black belt, whippet racing, safe new prissy fucking girlfriend. I know he has a "perfect" life.
And I know that I can't match that. That all I have to offer is a fucking crappy council house, and a fair to middling wage, and two bratty children, and lumps and bumps, and demaningness, and early morning grumpiness, and a million other not attractive things.
So why the fuck would he even consider it??!
Bored!
I'm bored!! Bored and unsettled this evening. Nothing on the telly I'm interested in, don't want to read, can't be bothered to wank, don't feel chatty, not interested in going out (even if I could), not even interested in driving (even if I could) - which is usually my all time cure all ills remedy.
I've had a hard week at work, the first two weeks of a new job thats involved meeting multi-agencies, fostering and building multi-partnerships, bringing in line agencies/workers under service level agreements, being introduced to a new clientele, attempting to begin to build the currently blank canvas about the sex industry - all part of an intensive six week induction period, and all whilst being smiley, friendly, polite, interested and apparently completely competent.
I'm stressed that my calender is booked solid for the next two weeks, with only half a day a week in the office and not out meeting and greeting, and that next week I am also doing two outreach sessions which mean working til 11.30pm, one of which is straight through from a day of meetings starting at 9am.
On top of this induction, (my supposed settling in period before I do any actual work), so far I have had to get up to date, do a briefing and organise a future strategy and training session regarding a potential outbreak of TB amongst the sex workers. Begin to think about my objectives and have those confirmed and agreed by the end of the month. Decide and agree a budget, including current spends and predicted costs, despite the fact that nobody seems to have a clue as to how things are paid for or where the invoices for several things are. As well as now being given the funding application that will secure funding for the next 3 years of the project to be completed by 27th October. Not too much pressure there then!!
I wanted this job, badly, and I know I'm capable of doing it and that this is just the early day learning curve (more of a straight line at the moment). So I can cope with the stress, in fact I function better with it I think, but it's still there.
The odd thing is that I was looking forward to doing nothing this weekend! except maybe take X and Y swimming and/or the cinema. And now it's only Friday and I feel restless, restless, restless!! There's just something missing I guess?!
Bah, humbug to life!
I've had a hard week at work, the first two weeks of a new job thats involved meeting multi-agencies, fostering and building multi-partnerships, bringing in line agencies/workers under service level agreements, being introduced to a new clientele, attempting to begin to build the currently blank canvas about the sex industry - all part of an intensive six week induction period, and all whilst being smiley, friendly, polite, interested and apparently completely competent.
I'm stressed that my calender is booked solid for the next two weeks, with only half a day a week in the office and not out meeting and greeting, and that next week I am also doing two outreach sessions which mean working til 11.30pm, one of which is straight through from a day of meetings starting at 9am.
On top of this induction, (my supposed settling in period before I do any actual work), so far I have had to get up to date, do a briefing and organise a future strategy and training session regarding a potential outbreak of TB amongst the sex workers. Begin to think about my objectives and have those confirmed and agreed by the end of the month. Decide and agree a budget, including current spends and predicted costs, despite the fact that nobody seems to have a clue as to how things are paid for or where the invoices for several things are. As well as now being given the funding application that will secure funding for the next 3 years of the project to be completed by 27th October. Not too much pressure there then!!
I wanted this job, badly, and I know I'm capable of doing it and that this is just the early day learning curve (more of a straight line at the moment). So I can cope with the stress, in fact I function better with it I think, but it's still there.
The odd thing is that I was looking forward to doing nothing this weekend! except maybe take X and Y swimming and/or the cinema. And now it's only Friday and I feel restless, restless, restless!! There's just something missing I guess?!
Bah, humbug to life!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Walls
Having been meaning to steal this quote from Kris http://aguardedheart.blogspot.com/ for some time...
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down".
I love this. Really do. I just think it sums things up so well. However, I would also like to add a little thought of my own...
"Sometimes you need to know when to put down the hammer and when to pick it up".
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down".
I love this. Really do. I just think it sums things up so well. However, I would also like to add a little thought of my own...
"Sometimes you need to know when to put down the hammer and when to pick it up".
Time
Time is such a funny concept isn't it. An elastic, ever changing, flexible constant. And the amount of time spent with somebody really doesn't impact on the effect they can have on your life. I have had relationships that lasted a relatively long time that have had little or no impact on me, and encounters that have been relatively short lived that will be with me forever.
I appreciate that I can't imagine what it is like to spend ten years with somebody, or twenty or thirty, but I really don't think it's always relevant to the impact on your life. Sure you have more experiences, sure you have a bigger 'habit' factor, but if you love someone then the amount of time you spend with them becomes irrelevant. I was officially with DM for five months (and in pretty frequent contact for 6 more after that). That's all. No time at all in the scheme of things. A small proportion of my life up to now, a smaller proportion if I am lucky enough to live to a ripe old age. Yet I can honestly say he has had a bigger impact on me than anybody else in my past, and possibly than all of them put together.
And although he has already had double that amount of time with his new girlfriend, I truly believe that when he looks back on his life in the future, I will have made more of an impact. Will be more of a solid memory. And perhaps that is all that time is for, to give us a framework in which to remember our feelings.
So, enjoy your time with people, however long or little, because it's memories that count, not minutes.
I appreciate that I can't imagine what it is like to spend ten years with somebody, or twenty or thirty, but I really don't think it's always relevant to the impact on your life. Sure you have more experiences, sure you have a bigger 'habit' factor, but if you love someone then the amount of time you spend with them becomes irrelevant. I was officially with DM for five months (and in pretty frequent contact for 6 more after that). That's all. No time at all in the scheme of things. A small proportion of my life up to now, a smaller proportion if I am lucky enough to live to a ripe old age. Yet I can honestly say he has had a bigger impact on me than anybody else in my past, and possibly than all of them put together.
And although he has already had double that amount of time with his new girlfriend, I truly believe that when he looks back on his life in the future, I will have made more of an impact. Will be more of a solid memory. And perhaps that is all that time is for, to give us a framework in which to remember our feelings.
So, enjoy your time with people, however long or little, because it's memories that count, not minutes.
Highs and lows
"...You touched my heart
You touched my soul
Changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind
And that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips
And held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well
I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I am a dreamer
And when I wake
You can't break my spirit
It's my dreams you take
And as you move on
Remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry
I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the mother of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears
And you know mine
We've had our doubts
But now we're fine
And I love you
I swear that's true..."
You touched my soul
Changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind
And that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
I've kissed your lips
And held your head
Shared your dreams and shared your bed
I know you well
I know your smell
I've been addicted to you
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my friend
You have been the one
You have been the one for me
I am a dreamer
And when I wake
You can't break my spirit
It's my dreams you take
And as you move on
Remember me
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry
I've seen you smile
I've watched you sleeping for a while
I'd be the mother of your child
I'd spend a lifetime with you
I know your fears
And you know mine
We've had our doubts
But now we're fine
And I love you
I swear that's true..."
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
First night sex
First night sex is a funny old experience isn't it? And certainly never like the movies or porn films I've ever seen!! In those, clothes miraculously fall off, limbs miraculously entwine, and both parties end up achieving orgasmic ecstacy at exactly the same time!! Yeah right!
I've had a couple of absolutely banging first nights/one night stands, completely rocking. (X is a result of one of those. Was so bloody fantastic the first time I went back for a second a couple of months later - which was not only disappointing in comparison but also resulted in further single motherdom for me!). And I consider myself lucky to be able to smile and remember those few occasions.
Sometimes you just "fit" with somebody, you have a natural mutual style. DM was one of those. We just fitted. Mentally and physically I think. From the first night (not the first time but the very closely following second one at least) I knew we would rock in the bedroom department. I knew we were compatible. And compatability is a massively important factor in a relationship I would argue. But the fact of the matter is, in my experience at least, that is the exception rather than the rule.
On most occasions, there is much fumbling of clothes, bumping of noses, leaning on hair, twisting of arms in most uncomfortable positions, laying awkward on legs - usually resulting in said arms or legs either losing all feeling - and general uncomfortableness. And that's just getting it in!!! There then follows the treacherous path of attempting to bump each other's bits at a mutually enjoyable speed, in a mutually enjoyable position, hard enough but not too hard, gentle enough but not too gentle, and for long enough for all parties to be satisfied without one thinking "is that it", or the other thinking "jeez, can I stop now"!
This is all completely natural. You don't know each other. Every single person is different. Sure there are some pretty simple givens maybe (not many men I know would say no to a cock in the mouth!!), but there are so many variables to those givens. hard, fast, slow, gentle, deep, shallow, and so on and so forth. And during first night sex you don't know each other. You can't be expected to know each other. And even assuming you have discussed at some length each other's likes and dislikes, bottom line, when it comes to the first time, you're working in the dark!!
But you know what? Despite all this, despite the awkwardness and the shyness and the uncomfortableness, and the sheer bloody hard work of it all, there really is nothing like it. There will only ever be one first time. Savour it well!
PS. OG got laid last night... Can you tell? ;-)
I've had a couple of absolutely banging first nights/one night stands, completely rocking. (X is a result of one of those. Was so bloody fantastic the first time I went back for a second a couple of months later - which was not only disappointing in comparison but also resulted in further single motherdom for me!). And I consider myself lucky to be able to smile and remember those few occasions.
Sometimes you just "fit" with somebody, you have a natural mutual style. DM was one of those. We just fitted. Mentally and physically I think. From the first night (not the first time but the very closely following second one at least) I knew we would rock in the bedroom department. I knew we were compatible. And compatability is a massively important factor in a relationship I would argue. But the fact of the matter is, in my experience at least, that is the exception rather than the rule.
On most occasions, there is much fumbling of clothes, bumping of noses, leaning on hair, twisting of arms in most uncomfortable positions, laying awkward on legs - usually resulting in said arms or legs either losing all feeling - and general uncomfortableness. And that's just getting it in!!! There then follows the treacherous path of attempting to bump each other's bits at a mutually enjoyable speed, in a mutually enjoyable position, hard enough but not too hard, gentle enough but not too gentle, and for long enough for all parties to be satisfied without one thinking "is that it", or the other thinking "jeez, can I stop now"!
This is all completely natural. You don't know each other. Every single person is different. Sure there are some pretty simple givens maybe (not many men I know would say no to a cock in the mouth!!), but there are so many variables to those givens. hard, fast, slow, gentle, deep, shallow, and so on and so forth. And during first night sex you don't know each other. You can't be expected to know each other. And even assuming you have discussed at some length each other's likes and dislikes, bottom line, when it comes to the first time, you're working in the dark!!
But you know what? Despite all this, despite the awkwardness and the shyness and the uncomfortableness, and the sheer bloody hard work of it all, there really is nothing like it. There will only ever be one first time. Savour it well!
PS. OG got laid last night... Can you tell? ;-)
Monday, October 09, 2006
Lust
I can't stop thinking about fucking CM! Seriously. It's ridiculous. I don't know whether it's because the DM thing is over and my head isn't used to having such free space, or because I was about a minute away from cumming on him while we were both fully clothed on Friday, but I have had more wanks this weekend and today that I know what to do with!! And the crazy thing is I saw him last night and nothing happened. Nothing at all!!!
Obviously I wanted it to, badly, but much as I'm all up for some rampant sexual activity, I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to making the first move (well, at least until after I've shagged them!). Sexist I know, but there it is. It didn't help that I still have my period, which normally wouldn't be a problem but the first time? Not an ideal situation.
So, he came over last night, after an invite from me rather than a request from him, and we watched tv and chatted and generally had a good evening, pretty snuggled up on the sofa. But he didn't make a move. And even when he went I didn't even get a bloody good snog! Just a few chaste kisses. Grrr!
I think he's maybe waiting for me to take things further, (I think he's a bit of a gent, and of course, he hasn't had any physical contact with anyone for 18 months, and we did some talking about ex relationships and DM, and I had made him go home extremely hot and horny on Friday night, etc) but much as I wanted him, I mean really really wanted him, I wanted him to start it. And he didn't. So this evening I decided to up the ante a little. After all, we've been on three dates now, and Friday got pretty damn hot! So, enjoy the following flirty text conversation...
(I'm sorry, I just love posting my texts!!)
Me - Have you got a double bed?
CM - Yes
Me - Good. Think it's about time we made use of it!
CM - Did I mention it's in bits in my mum's garage! But I am using one of hers in the spare room :-$
That sounds like fun :-P
Me -You had me for a minute there! Glad to hear you think it will be fun. You've been so well behaved I was starting to wonder. Roll on Thurs...
CM - Like we were saying last night, don't want to hurt or get hurt
Me - Do you know what. I think we will both be fine. No need to over analyse I reckon. Just see how it goes...
Me - And preferably get naked!
CM - Sounds good
Me - Seriously, if I want to see you it's because I want to see you. Not that I'm about to declare undying love. That said, I'm not going to be seeing anyone else at the same time. Hopefully we're both thinking that. And I can't help it if at the moment I'm just damn horny :-)
CM - That's fine. By the way, hope you have some ear plugs. Not for me, the bed is kind of noisy just sleeping in it :-P
Me - Jeez. Will you stop with the wisecracks. Thought you were going to tell me you're a screamer! Anyway, not to worry, at your age and with your poor back we'll have to go gently :-D
CM - You will just have to be gentle with me
Me - Always am! Sack of potatoes shag me you know ;-) Now enough of this talk, I'm bad enough already! Have a good week, rest that back, see you soon x
CM - C u then x
There really is nothing like a flirty conversation to get a girl going! Not to mention the memory of how hard his cock was through his jeans on Friday night... Oh god, and the fact he has the most delightful feeling thighs... (did I mention how much I love the feel of the back of a good pair of thighs?!) ...And the way he ran his hands up my back... And the thought of his fingers just grazing my nipples...
See, it's no good!!! What is a girl to do....?
Obviously I wanted it to, badly, but much as I'm all up for some rampant sexual activity, I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to making the first move (well, at least until after I've shagged them!). Sexist I know, but there it is. It didn't help that I still have my period, which normally wouldn't be a problem but the first time? Not an ideal situation.
So, he came over last night, after an invite from me rather than a request from him, and we watched tv and chatted and generally had a good evening, pretty snuggled up on the sofa. But he didn't make a move. And even when he went I didn't even get a bloody good snog! Just a few chaste kisses. Grrr!
I think he's maybe waiting for me to take things further, (I think he's a bit of a gent, and of course, he hasn't had any physical contact with anyone for 18 months, and we did some talking about ex relationships and DM, and I had made him go home extremely hot and horny on Friday night, etc) but much as I wanted him, I mean really really wanted him, I wanted him to start it. And he didn't. So this evening I decided to up the ante a little. After all, we've been on three dates now, and Friday got pretty damn hot! So, enjoy the following flirty text conversation...
(I'm sorry, I just love posting my texts!!)
Me - Have you got a double bed?
CM - Yes
Me - Good. Think it's about time we made use of it!
CM - Did I mention it's in bits in my mum's garage! But I am using one of hers in the spare room :-$
That sounds like fun :-P
Me -You had me for a minute there! Glad to hear you think it will be fun. You've been so well behaved I was starting to wonder. Roll on Thurs...
CM - Like we were saying last night, don't want to hurt or get hurt
Me - Do you know what. I think we will both be fine. No need to over analyse I reckon. Just see how it goes...
Me - And preferably get naked!
CM - Sounds good
Me - Seriously, if I want to see you it's because I want to see you. Not that I'm about to declare undying love. That said, I'm not going to be seeing anyone else at the same time. Hopefully we're both thinking that. And I can't help it if at the moment I'm just damn horny :-)
CM - That's fine. By the way, hope you have some ear plugs. Not for me, the bed is kind of noisy just sleeping in it :-P
Me - Jeez. Will you stop with the wisecracks. Thought you were going to tell me you're a screamer! Anyway, not to worry, at your age and with your poor back we'll have to go gently :-D
CM - You will just have to be gentle with me
Me - Always am! Sack of potatoes shag me you know ;-) Now enough of this talk, I'm bad enough already! Have a good week, rest that back, see you soon x
CM - C u then x
There really is nothing like a flirty conversation to get a girl going! Not to mention the memory of how hard his cock was through his jeans on Friday night... Oh god, and the fact he has the most delightful feeling thighs... (did I mention how much I love the feel of the back of a good pair of thighs?!) ...And the way he ran his hands up my back... And the thought of his fingers just grazing my nipples...
See, it's no good!!! What is a girl to do....?
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Time for a change of mood...
Jesus, my blog has been depressing lately!! Time for a change of mood methinks! The worst is behind me now and actually I feel pretty good. I'm surprised at myself. I think it's because I've done so much grieving and wondering over the last ten months that there is nothing left now it's finally over.
Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.
Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...
Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!
So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.
Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?
PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!
Also, I didn't want to let go of all that love because I believe love lasts for ever, and if I did let it go then it would be like admitting I didn't really love him. But now, I recognise that the DM I loved doesn't exist any longer (if he existed at all), and that has made it so much easier than I would ever have imagined to move on. It's amazing how much his answers have given me freedom and clarity. I've always said that you never know what it will take to switch the feelings off, or how when that will be, but once it's off then there's no going back. I know it's off now. Without a doubt. He could have had a fucking great life with me, truly truly great, and I still believe I'm the best thing that could ever have happened to him, but he wasn't brave enough to take the risk and now it's too late and it's his loss. It's sad. Really truly sad, but I can't let myself dwell on it anymore. So his numbers have been deleted, his texts have been deleted, his emails have been deleted. Sure I guess I still love him, but he fucked up, and he has to live with that. So, I'm sure that DM will be mentioned again, as the experience has been such a large part of my life, but it's over now, time for a new chapter.
Haven't updated on the weekend properly due to the DM situation, but thought I would liven things up by getting back to reality...
Saw CM on Friday, that was all good, although damn bloody periods. Oh, actually, talking of periods (sorry to all you men out there who are instantly cringing!!), I was at my new work today (to clarify for those of you that don't know I have a new job working with sex workers) and discovered that there is such a thing as a tampax sponge!!! You can't buy them over the counters in the UK, but we get them because of the outreach work we do, anyway, they are like a small contraceptive sponge that fits over the cervix and soaks all the horrid gunk up the same way as a tampon does!! How fucking cool is that. So you can still have sex as normal, with nothing in the way and without waking up looking like there has been a bloodbath in the bedroom!! I'm so taking a box of those home!!! And I so wish I'd discovered them last week!!
So, Saturday night I was out with my girlie friends, just around the town and ended up in our local. A real divey place which I have frequented for the last 17 years, ((oh my god how old does that make me feel?!!), where they play good rock music and you can dance and not feel like you're standing in a meat market. No frills but everyone just there to have a drink and a good time. It' s great. So, I'm dancing and prancing and generally having a great time, as I have done for more nights than I care to add up, when I turned around to see four, yes, I repeat, four completely stark bollock naked men dancing just a few feet away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kid you not. Four men! Absolutely naked! (Except for socks!! Not a good look). And it wasn't just a quick strip. They were there for a good few songs! Well, one of my mates tells me that two of them do it every weekend, but I have obviously been fortunate enough to miss it.
Now, I wouldn't have minded if it had been the fit young dj/barman (and fuck me is he fit!!)) getting his kit off. (In fact I asked him why he wasn't as I'd much prefer to see him naked than them!), but these four. Oh my god. Why is it that men with the smallest willies are the ones that get them out!?? I don't want to be mean, and I know that there are a few men who "grow" quite considerably, but these four willies ranged from about 1" long to 2". No exaggeration, no word of a lie. In all my life, with all the willies I have ever seen, I have never never seen one that small (actually that's a lie, there has been one), let alone four!!! I was astounded and amazed. And needless to say, to my knowledge, none of them pulled that night. Is it any wonder?
PS. I've been mad horny all weekend. Ridiculously so. But actually after just having to relive the experience of all those willy's for this post, amazingly my libido just vanished! For now...!
The aftermath...
How do I feel now? I'm glad I have it all down. I'm glad I have it to remember when it gets hard. I know it will be. I know this is just the start of the journey back. I know he won't be magically erased from my head and I know there are lessons that I need to learn and changes I need to adapt to. But the person that he was is gone forever, it's just an image I have to rid myself of now. Difficult? Yes. Painful? Oh fucking yes! Impossible? No.
There are a couple of other things I wish I'd said... That if he hadn't wanted that, hadn't been sure, then he shouldn't have jumped straight in. He shouldn't have led me to believe he felt one way when he didn't. Shouldn't have told me he'd spent ages searching for me and wasn't going to be letting me go. Shouldn't have let me believe we had a future. And he should have said all this a long time ago, instead of coming back into my life, and back into my bed and giving me hope. He might not accept it but he knows deep down that is what he's done. He's a grown intelligent man. He misled me, I don't think maliciously, I don't think deliberately, but carelessly. He should have known better! Even his final answers contain some ambiguity. He won't/can't just say, yes I'm happy, no I don't miss you. It's all implied. And he asks 'does it get better?', actually yes, because he could have had all that but with me and a family too!!
I have lessons learnt now, and that helps. It gives this whole episode some meaning I suppose. It means I can gain and grow eventually. I hope he learns too. He probably won't, it's easier to blame other things than to be really really honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. All I know is that I won't be a martyr to my past.
Right now, I'm sad, so very sad, but I'm fine. I have good friends, I have good kids. And I'm glad I met CM. Not because I want to ship one out and another one in, not at all. I can't replace what I've lost and I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but mostly not on him, he's a good man and he deserves more than that. But I like him, and I think I need him right now. Whether that lasts I don't know and that's not important at the moment, I'm not making any promises I can't keep, but I need some reality again. I need to be able to trust in real life again. I need to forget and also to remember. I'm beginning to appreciate what I want and what I don't, and I guess I need to get out there and see if I can find it...
There are a couple of other things I wish I'd said... That if he hadn't wanted that, hadn't been sure, then he shouldn't have jumped straight in. He shouldn't have led me to believe he felt one way when he didn't. Shouldn't have told me he'd spent ages searching for me and wasn't going to be letting me go. Shouldn't have let me believe we had a future. And he should have said all this a long time ago, instead of coming back into my life, and back into my bed and giving me hope. He might not accept it but he knows deep down that is what he's done. He's a grown intelligent man. He misled me, I don't think maliciously, I don't think deliberately, but carelessly. He should have known better! Even his final answers contain some ambiguity. He won't/can't just say, yes I'm happy, no I don't miss you. It's all implied. And he asks 'does it get better?', actually yes, because he could have had all that but with me and a family too!!
I have lessons learnt now, and that helps. It gives this whole episode some meaning I suppose. It means I can gain and grow eventually. I hope he learns too. He probably won't, it's easier to blame other things than to be really really honest with yourself and accept responsibility for your actions. Either way, it's not my problem anymore. All I know is that I won't be a martyr to my past.
Right now, I'm sad, so very sad, but I'm fine. I have good friends, I have good kids. And I'm glad I met CM. Not because I want to ship one out and another one in, not at all. I can't replace what I've lost and I wouldn't want to. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but mostly not on him, he's a good man and he deserves more than that. But I like him, and I think I need him right now. Whether that lasts I don't know and that's not important at the moment, I'm not making any promises I can't keep, but I need some reality again. I need to be able to trust in real life again. I need to forget and also to remember. I'm beginning to appreciate what I want and what I don't, and I guess I need to get out there and see if I can find it...
Cutting the cord
So, I finally have it. Closure! And to be honest none of his answers surprise me now. I just needed to hear them, and to hear them from him. I've been waiting a long long time to hear them.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
At the moment I feel... I don't know really. Not distraught. Not angsty. Not surprised. I don't know. Empty maybe? But not in a really bad way. I don't know the words. I don't know the feelings. I haven't been here before though, not ever.
There are some things I need to say I guess. Not that it really matters as I now know things are not going to change and it was the not knowing that was the hardest, but my final word I suppose...
I accept what he's told me.
The saddest thing for me is that he isn't the man I thought he was, but in a way that makes it easier to let it go. The man I knew, the man I loved, he loved me too. These answers come from a man that never loved me, not in the way that I love anyway, and I will deal with that as I need to. But it means that the fundamental belief I have that 'love will conquer all' isn't shattered, it means I can still believe in that and so I can still achieve it with someone else. I didn't want to let that belief go, I don't want to be wrong about that. I've had to face being wrong about him or wrong about love. I didn't want to face either but the first is easier.
So forget empty, now I'm sad. Sad to think about achieving it with someone else, sad to have to let him go, to let it go, sad that he never got to appreciate how much he mean't, to me. And now I know that I have to move on. And that hurts.
The thing I loved most about DM, and there were a whole lot of things, but the thing I loved most was his strength. His ability to realise what he wanted and to push for that until he got there. His willingness to take risks and push forward. His unwillingness to settle. These answers don't reflect that man. He is not the man I thought he was. This is a man that is settling, a man who is running. But I accept his reasons for doing so. I'm disappointed in us both. In me for not knowing him as I thought I did. In him for not being the man I thought he was. Maybe one day, after this, I will end up just settling too?? It will be easier than taking a risk with someone else, I know that, but I don't think I was born to settle for anything less than perfect. Naive?? Maybe. Destined to be single for ever? Maybe. A runner away?? I don't think so. Even if it kills me to face it.
I have to accept I was wrong about him. I have to accept that I could be that blind, that I could be that easily deluded to what was probably glaringly obvious. Lessons like that are not easy to learn.
The saddest thing of all, the thing that makes me shake my head with the pointlessness of the last 18 months is that after all this, even reading this blog, he really doesn't know me at all. He has taken what he wants to read from this. Has been blinded by the "other stuff" and not seen me within it. He didn't love me, and he still doesn't know me. And whatever life brings my way I need to be with someone who can accept me for who I am. And that isn't him any longer. He's right that it depends on what you need in a relationship. We need different things, and despite more pain that I thought I would ever be able to feel, I'll take my way. I'll hold out for something more than "could be better". Even if it means going without.
Of all the people in all the world, and despite the fact that "I live my life like I do" (whatever the fuck that means!), he could trust me. I know that without any doubt at all. When he was in my life nobody else mattered that way. I was willing (more than willing, I wanted it for me, for him, for us) to take my family, to leave my friends, to risk a new career in a new country, to do something I would never before have contemplated, and begin a new life with him. A new life with us. Because he needs to do it and I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I don't say things lightly, but this is one thing I am saying. I never would have left him. I truly truly never would have left him. He might not have believed it then, I can accept that, but it hurts that after all this he can't believe it now.
It's not fair for him to blame "the way I live my life" for him leaving. That wasn't the way I lived my life with him. And I won't take the blame for it being so. I will not be held responsible for the end of this! For the first time in my whole life I did everything right. I didn't do what I always do and deliberately fuck it up. I will not take the blame for this!! And he was wrong. So so wrong about that!!!
It's ironic actually that it was him that cheated, on me; emotionally only maybe, physically I'll never know, on P (the current girlfriend) with me; physically definitely, emotionally I'll never know, but DM, don't blame your failings on me! I was the safest bet you could have ever made! I'd stake my life on that. I won't let you used this blog to validate your fuck up. Would you have felt or answered differently if I had been a virginal girl during this whole time??? No, you wouldn't!! So, I won't let you say, "See, I knew I was right". You weren't!! But you will need to deal with that (or ignore it as you usually do) yourself. I guess our "instincts" got the better of both of us. You told me to trust mine, I did, they were wrong. Yours were wrong back then too.
You say that what you really want is your wife. Well you should have fucking fought for her then. You should have stayed and fought! Instead of emotionally running away from the situation and letting her leave, and then being too proud to take her back when she offered. That's what love is. Being willing to fight when you need too. Not being so fucking proud that you end up regretting it the rest of your life, not being so fucking proud that you will pass up on the opportunities to have those beautiful children! You could probably have had both if you had got off your high horse for just a second! You'll probably end up with neither because you wont accept that.
I won't be second fiddle to anybody, not for anybody. Whatever I am, however I "live my life", I'm worth more than that. And now you've voiced that it helps. It fucking hurts, but it helps. Because it's just fucking sad. Sad that you did that to yourself. And I am not going to do that to myself, I am not going to let this pain ruin the rest of my life either. I won't hold you up as the person I always want to be with but didn't have the balls to fight for. I'm braver than that. I know now that if I love then I can fight, and I will fight. I've fought for you for nearly a year now. A pointless fight but at least I know I did everything I could. At least I know that this wasn't my issues, it wasn't my fault.
Right now this hurts like hell. Seriously, I thought I had been through it already, but it still feelsl like the first time we said goodbye. As painful as the first time he said goodbye. But it's different now. There is nothing to fight for anymore. He says I don't know how much he has hurt. Maybe so. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I appreciate it now. I know he doesn't know how much I have hurt. How hard it is to step into something you never believed was possible and to trust in that, only for it to be nothing but a fallacy. How fucking hard it is to open yourself up, to open your family up to somebody only to have them walk away. How hard it is to all this time later have a 6year old girl, my beautiful intelligent daughter, still ask when she's going to see DM, to still cry because she misses him, to still tell me that I'm wrong and of course he loves me. How hard it is to have a 13year old boy, one who doesn't share his feelings easily, tell me that he doesn't want me to have another boyfriend because he doesn't want me to be sad again. He can't know what that is like. He can't know how much that fucking hurts to hear. But we are two different people, coming from two different lives, so maybe neither of us will ever appreciate each others feelings. It doesn't really matter now I guess.
He's the only person in the world, and I mean the ONLY person in the world, that I would trust implicitly to raise my kids if I wasn't here to do it. I would have given him my family. The only thing any of us truly truly have. I wanted him to have it. And I wish I'd had the chance to have given him his own.
For the time that I was happier than I have ever been, and may ever be, I thank him. For my answers I thank him. For letting me go I thank him. It's been a long time coming. For not ever stepping into my life again I thank him. It's over now. Time to move on. I know I have the strength to do that.
My answers...!
Hi ya,
I thought I would e-mail rather than comment on your site, that way you can edit and elaborate as much as you like. Are you sure you want the answers to these questions?? To be quite honest, you know most of the answers already, just put your self in my position and read your blog from there. In fact, I find it hard to believe you’re asking them after what you have written. Is it any surprise that I left? But, since you did ask……!
1, Am I Happy? I live in California, I do my clothes shopping on the Castro, SF, I go out in Palo Alto and San Mateo, I’m an engineer working in Silicone Valley. I get to travel all over the world, if I want to, and not, if I don’t. I get to own one of the best sports bikes you can buy and be riding it in the San Carlos mountains within 30 minutes of leaving my house. I have a partner who I can trust without question. Does it get much better than that?? Maybe. I’ll let you know.
2. Does she make me happy? She doesn’t make me un-happy, it could always be better but that’s the same for every one. Just because she is so different from you and yes maybe a bit boring, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be un-happy. It depends on what you look for and need in a relationship. So, my relationship isn’t as much of a laugh as it used to be but it is safe, that’s something I never had with you. Even despite you telling me otherwise, I never believed you. Quite rightly after reading what you have written here. You know very well that I have been through utter devastation twice before, devastation that hurts so badly, even now, I’m not going to put myself in that position again.
3. Do I miss you? I miss all the people that were close to me back home, I miss a lot of things. I’m not going to stop what I’m doing here for them though. I’ll have plenty of time later on to be with them. Right now this is for me, something I need to do.
4. Do I want you?? What kind of question is that!?! It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s a matter of what I’m comfortable with. It’s not impossible to give up what I’m doing here, but I don’t give it up for a reason. If you want to know what it is I really want, it’s my wife! My, now, ex-wife to be accurate. But I can’t have her. So, I have to live with that. There, you got me to say it!! And I want those two beautiful, intelligent daughters that I’ve always dreamt of, but I’m never going to get those either. Never, do you know how much that hurts…………No. I don’t think you do. You have no idea!
5, Were you wrong about us? No, I don’t think so. We could have made it under ideal circumstances. But they weren’t. Not for me at least. Not then, not now…..!
6, Am I ever coming back? Maybe, who knows what’s going to happen. I still have plans for Asia and Australia. My visas’ will run out eventually. Right now I have a visa for the next three years in the US, I have no plans to go anywhere in the next six months.
7, How do you move on from this? The same way I have to, it’s hard, fucking hard!! We all deal with these things in different ways. I guess I moved to another country. Try that, but not this one!
8, Why did I leave you?? You know, I didn’t know before! It was more gut feeling than an actual thought process. But, like I said before, read your blog from my point of view. Would you get into a serious relationship, after having the two most important things in your life taken from you, with someone who lives their life like you do? Again, like I said, I’m not going to put myself in that position again, not without being absolutely sure. And I wasn’t!!
Darren
I thought I would e-mail rather than comment on your site, that way you can edit and elaborate as much as you like. Are you sure you want the answers to these questions?? To be quite honest, you know most of the answers already, just put your self in my position and read your blog from there. In fact, I find it hard to believe you’re asking them after what you have written. Is it any surprise that I left? But, since you did ask……!
1, Am I Happy? I live in California, I do my clothes shopping on the Castro, SF, I go out in Palo Alto and San Mateo, I’m an engineer working in Silicone Valley. I get to travel all over the world, if I want to, and not, if I don’t. I get to own one of the best sports bikes you can buy and be riding it in the San Carlos mountains within 30 minutes of leaving my house. I have a partner who I can trust without question. Does it get much better than that?? Maybe. I’ll let you know.
2. Does she make me happy? She doesn’t make me un-happy, it could always be better but that’s the same for every one. Just because she is so different from you and yes maybe a bit boring, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to be un-happy. It depends on what you look for and need in a relationship. So, my relationship isn’t as much of a laugh as it used to be but it is safe, that’s something I never had with you. Even despite you telling me otherwise, I never believed you. Quite rightly after reading what you have written here. You know very well that I have been through utter devastation twice before, devastation that hurts so badly, even now, I’m not going to put myself in that position again.
3. Do I miss you? I miss all the people that were close to me back home, I miss a lot of things. I’m not going to stop what I’m doing here for them though. I’ll have plenty of time later on to be with them. Right now this is for me, something I need to do.
4. Do I want you?? What kind of question is that!?! It’s not a matter of what I want. It’s a matter of what I’m comfortable with. It’s not impossible to give up what I’m doing here, but I don’t give it up for a reason. If you want to know what it is I really want, it’s my wife! My, now, ex-wife to be accurate. But I can’t have her. So, I have to live with that. There, you got me to say it!! And I want those two beautiful, intelligent daughters that I’ve always dreamt of, but I’m never going to get those either. Never, do you know how much that hurts…………No. I don’t think you do. You have no idea!
5, Were you wrong about us? No, I don’t think so. We could have made it under ideal circumstances. But they weren’t. Not for me at least. Not then, not now…..!
6, Am I ever coming back? Maybe, who knows what’s going to happen. I still have plans for Asia and Australia. My visas’ will run out eventually. Right now I have a visa for the next three years in the US, I have no plans to go anywhere in the next six months.
7, How do you move on from this? The same way I have to, it’s hard, fucking hard!! We all deal with these things in different ways. I guess I moved to another country. Try that, but not this one!
8, Why did I leave you?? You know, I didn’t know before! It was more gut feeling than an actual thought process. But, like I said before, read your blog from my point of view. Would you get into a serious relationship, after having the two most important things in your life taken from you, with someone who lives their life like you do? Again, like I said, I’m not going to put myself in that position again, not without being absolutely sure. And I wasn’t!!
Darren
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Frustration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a very late night! Partly due to a few hours of snogging, groping and generally lusting, followed by an hour of blogging, followed by another hour of aimlessly watching tv while my brain ran it's course at warp speed, I finally got to bed about 5.30am. Consequently I woke late and feeling like shit, with X having missed ballet and me feeling like a terribly bad mother!!
Now if that's not a rubbish start to the day/weekend, I am also horny!!! Ridiculously so!! I have more images running through my head than I want to think about, and they're pretty indiscriminate in their content and their appearance!! The overiding theme is how hot hard cocks are when encased in jeans and I guess there is something about the knowledge of that big, hard, throbbing presence(sorry! getting carried away there!!!) but yet it's unavailability? I'm sure it's the same reason a lot of men like women in underwear rather than naked. The tease!!
"So...", I hear you ask "what's the problem with waking late and horny on a fine Saturday morning?" (and it is actually a beautiful beautiful autumn day today). Well the problem is.... I can't fucking wank properly!!!! Or rather I can, and have had two (rather unsatisfactory) bully wank orgasms this morning, but it's just not cutting it. I need the real deal! I officially need to be sliding myself onto a firm, hard, warm, eager cock.
Now if that's not a rubbish start to the day/weekend, I am also horny!!! Ridiculously so!! I have more images running through my head than I want to think about, and they're pretty indiscriminate in their content and their appearance!! The overiding theme is how hot hard cocks are when encased in jeans and I guess there is something about the knowledge of that big, hard, throbbing presence(sorry! getting carried away there!!!) but yet it's unavailability? I'm sure it's the same reason a lot of men like women in underwear rather than naked. The tease!!
"So...", I hear you ask "what's the problem with waking late and horny on a fine Saturday morning?" (and it is actually a beautiful beautiful autumn day today). Well the problem is.... I can't fucking wank properly!!!! Or rather I can, and have had two (rather unsatisfactory) bully wank orgasms this morning, but it's just not cutting it. I need the real deal! I officially need to be sliding myself onto a firm, hard, warm, eager cock.
Trust in love (revised)
It was one of my mantra's in the earlier days of our break up. Well, after the break up and the reestablishing of contact anyway. It's how I feel again now.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
Just to be clear, it may be confusing to you all that I can be talking so much about how I love DM but then making out with another man. It really is quite simple. DM is in my heart and my head. He has been in them both for a long long time and I believe he always will be. He is not in my bed, so the other stuff, the body stuff, is different. He knows I'm a sexual girl, and he knows that no matter how good it is with someone else it will never be as good as us, and for the time that he doesn't want that part of me then it belongs to me to give as I please. It's as simple as that.
Trust in love.
To blog or not to blog...?
Well today has been a weird old day folks! Actually, the past couple have been weird. DM has resurfaced, as I knew he would one day. I have to say perhaps quicker than I would have expected! And strangely what it has brought me more than anything else is a sense of calm. He always did have that effect on me! The peace to my storm if you want to get flowery and metaphorical about it!!!
I know he's there now. I know that however far geographically he is away from me he's still with me. And I've trusted in that, despite all logic, for a long long time now. And there have been times when I've had to doubt that. Had to doubt how he feels, what I thought we had, how I thought I felt even, just because it's been such a long time with so little. But now I know. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I know what I want and what I believe but I accept there are no guarantees that will happen. The only thing I do know now with absolute certainty is that we are not done yet! This is not yet over. I know things can never just go back to how they were, and that in many ways we are both changed people, however, the bare bones are that I still believe we love each other and that we can move forward from this together, if differently, and I'm going to keep believing that until he can honestly tell me I'm wrong. And that thought makes me glad! And calm.
Of course, in terms of this blog it puts a new perspective on things. After sending him the link a few weeks ago I was 95% sure he would be checking in at some point, ranging from maybe once or twice to maybe every day, but now I know he definitely has been, and I suspect more often than not. So, can I continue to write this blog the same way?? Can I continue to talk about things in my life that may have an impact on him? Can I continue to be open and honest with myself and you without writing with a bias?
When I started writing this it was to try and offload, to try yet another way to lock DM away in a place in my heart and my head and to throw away the key. There's only so long you can keep believing and trusting and hoping before you need to let go. And I haven't wanted to let go. I haven't believed it was over and I wasn't ready for it to be over. But I've recognised that I need to move from the place that I'm in, even whilst knowing I don't want to move away from it. So, tentatively I wanted to write it all down and let it go.
I also started writing this blog because I wanted to record things. To have a definite record of things that had happened, things I feel and have felt, both the good and the bad side of life, both the DM and non-DM side of life. So can I continue to do those two things? Yes, I can!!
This blog is about me and my life. You are all welcome to share in the very ordinary (and equally messed up) life that I lead, in fact I am grateful you do, but it remains mine and mine alone. DM can take me as he finds me, can like what I write or not like what I write, but needs to accept that this is me and to understand that this is me. I know he will do that. I trust that he now knows me well enough to do that. If not, well, if it's that easily broken then I really have been wrong all along!
So, to update on my current life, the one I manage to live because I have to, and because actually I want to live it again, even if I do so with a piece of me missing...
As you know I saw CM last week - http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/cm-and-puppies.html
and have been a little indecisive since then. I had arranged to see him tonight but all week I've not really been at all bothered, and actually felt pretty much like there was no point. But towards the end of this week I started to think "why not?". I need to rid myself of this stupid psychological and egotistical hang up and stop worrying about hurting him and planning that far ahead, and instead just take it for what it is and see how it goes. With the DM thing as it is I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I think it might be a good thing for me, and for CM actually, whether it's long term or not.
So, he came round tonight, and we just stayed in and watched TV and chatted and chatted and chatted!! And then we watched 'Road Trip', which I'd forgotten just how much I loved! (In fact I love any of that type of film!!), and we laughed a lot at the same things and I actually had a really great night. The whole evening was just friendly really, no sexual contact at all, but just comfortable touching I guess, and I found just a little part of me wanting more than that but equally not being sure I did.
He finally got up to leave about 1am I guess, and then he kissed me, and we snogged (for Tobi, hehehe) for a while, and it was all very nice but I wasn't massively feeling it. And I was quite happy with that, (I got my period today too so didn't exactly want to take things further!!), but then actually I felt myself beginning to respond to him more. And although we didn't do anything more than kissing, (and maybe a little over underwear/clothes touching...!), I wanted to take it further. I really wanted to take things further!! So, I'm pleased about that. Pleased that I think we can probably have fun enjoying each other's company on both a social and physical level, even if it is just a temporary thing. I'm good at making people feel good about themselves, and I like that, it makes me feel good about myself. I like setting people back on the road to recovery, and CM sure does need that.
Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe DM is coming back?? Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe I will get resolution and be able to stop believing DM is coming back?? I don't know. But at the moment, for tonight at least, I am calm and content and happy, and that is what is important I guess...!
I know he's there now. I know that however far geographically he is away from me he's still with me. And I've trusted in that, despite all logic, for a long long time now. And there have been times when I've had to doubt that. Had to doubt how he feels, what I thought we had, how I thought I felt even, just because it's been such a long time with so little. But now I know. I don't know what the outcome of this will be. I know what I want and what I believe but I accept there are no guarantees that will happen. The only thing I do know now with absolute certainty is that we are not done yet! This is not yet over. I know things can never just go back to how they were, and that in many ways we are both changed people, however, the bare bones are that I still believe we love each other and that we can move forward from this together, if differently, and I'm going to keep believing that until he can honestly tell me I'm wrong. And that thought makes me glad! And calm.
Of course, in terms of this blog it puts a new perspective on things. After sending him the link a few weeks ago I was 95% sure he would be checking in at some point, ranging from maybe once or twice to maybe every day, but now I know he definitely has been, and I suspect more often than not. So, can I continue to write this blog the same way?? Can I continue to talk about things in my life that may have an impact on him? Can I continue to be open and honest with myself and you without writing with a bias?
When I started writing this it was to try and offload, to try yet another way to lock DM away in a place in my heart and my head and to throw away the key. There's only so long you can keep believing and trusting and hoping before you need to let go. And I haven't wanted to let go. I haven't believed it was over and I wasn't ready for it to be over. But I've recognised that I need to move from the place that I'm in, even whilst knowing I don't want to move away from it. So, tentatively I wanted to write it all down and let it go.
I also started writing this blog because I wanted to record things. To have a definite record of things that had happened, things I feel and have felt, both the good and the bad side of life, both the DM and non-DM side of life. So can I continue to do those two things? Yes, I can!!
This blog is about me and my life. You are all welcome to share in the very ordinary (and equally messed up) life that I lead, in fact I am grateful you do, but it remains mine and mine alone. DM can take me as he finds me, can like what I write or not like what I write, but needs to accept that this is me and to understand that this is me. I know he will do that. I trust that he now knows me well enough to do that. If not, well, if it's that easily broken then I really have been wrong all along!
So, to update on my current life, the one I manage to live because I have to, and because actually I want to live it again, even if I do so with a piece of me missing...
As you know I saw CM last week - http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/cm-and-puppies.html
and have been a little indecisive since then. I had arranged to see him tonight but all week I've not really been at all bothered, and actually felt pretty much like there was no point. But towards the end of this week I started to think "why not?". I need to rid myself of this stupid psychological and egotistical hang up and stop worrying about hurting him and planning that far ahead, and instead just take it for what it is and see how it goes. With the DM thing as it is I'm not sure if it will go anywhere, but I think it might be a good thing for me, and for CM actually, whether it's long term or not.
So, he came round tonight, and we just stayed in and watched TV and chatted and chatted and chatted!! And then we watched 'Road Trip', which I'd forgotten just how much I loved! (In fact I love any of that type of film!!), and we laughed a lot at the same things and I actually had a really great night. The whole evening was just friendly really, no sexual contact at all, but just comfortable touching I guess, and I found just a little part of me wanting more than that but equally not being sure I did.
He finally got up to leave about 1am I guess, and then he kissed me, and we snogged (for Tobi, hehehe) for a while, and it was all very nice but I wasn't massively feeling it. And I was quite happy with that, (I got my period today too so didn't exactly want to take things further!!), but then actually I felt myself beginning to respond to him more. And although we didn't do anything more than kissing, (and maybe a little over underwear/clothes touching...!), I wanted to take it further. I really wanted to take things further!! So, I'm pleased about that. Pleased that I think we can probably have fun enjoying each other's company on both a social and physical level, even if it is just a temporary thing. I'm good at making people feel good about themselves, and I like that, it makes me feel good about myself. I like setting people back on the road to recovery, and CM sure does need that.
Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe DM is coming back?? Perhaps I can do this with CM now because I believe I will get resolution and be able to stop believing DM is coming back?? I don't know. But at the moment, for tonight at least, I am calm and content and happy, and that is what is important I guess...!
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