Happy birthday to Joie, a completed quiz just for you...
1. What time did you get up this morning? 8.10am (was late for work after late night with CM!).
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds, unless of course it's a pearl necklace ;-)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I particularly liked the part with the shark :-)
4. What is your favourite TV show(s)? Charmed rocks of course, I'm too much of a blog addict now, don't have time for any other tv!
5. What did you have for breakfast? I didn't.
6.What is your middle name? Commonplace.
7. What is your favourite cuisine? Chinese.
8. What foods do you dislike? Macaroni cheese, anything that looks like a slug!
9. Your favourite Potato chip (that would be crisps where I come from!)? Walkers Ready Salted.
10. What is your favourite CD at the moment? I'm loving a bit of Rod Stewart's Best of.
11. Favourite sandwich? Chicken, bacon and mayonnaise.
12. What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, stupidity, narrow mindedness.
13. Favourite item of clothing? I bought a fantastic linen skirt in the sale, it just goes with everything. Also some very cool new jeans, loving them.
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? San Francisco to see my one true love.
15. What color is your bathroom? Pale lemon and deep sea green.
16. Favourite brand of clothing? Not a great brand lover, I just buy what I like!
17. Where would you want to retire to? The sea.
18. Favourite time of day? After 8.30pm when my babies are in bed and the house is quiet.
19. Where were you born? England.
20. Favourite sport to watch? Watersports??!! ;-)
21. Who do you least expect to send this back? God knows. I'm not sending it, just putting it out there for the world to do with as it wishes.
22. Person you expect to send it back first? Anybody will do!
23. What laundry detergent do you use? Whatever I fancy when I go shopping. I have no brand loyalty at all!
24. Coke or Pepsi? It has to be coke. How can anybody drink pepsi??
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? A night owl through and through.
26. What size shoe do you wear? 4 (sometimes a 5) UK.
27. Do you have pets? A white and ginger cat called Charlie, who doesn't have a tail! X says he's a rabbit cat.
28. Any news you'd like to share with everyone? I'm sharing my life for God's sake!! What more do you want from me?
29. What did you want to be when you were little? An actress/poet/author.
30. Favourite candy (that would be sweets!)? Haribo. Yum yum
31. What is your best childhood memory? To be honest I don't really have any. I have a short memory span!
32. What are the different jobs you've had? Now that would be telling...
33. Nicknames: OG to you.
34. Piercing? Ears. Two holes in each but only wear one pair of earring. Nose but hardly ever wear anything in it.
35. Eye color? Bluey grey with hints of green.
36. Ever been to Africa ? Nope.
37. Ever been toilet papering? What the fuck is toilet papering??? And why would I want to??
38. Love someone so much it made you cry? Still do.
39. Been in a car accident? Yes, a couple but nothing major.
40. Favorite restaurant? If it's serving food then I'm happy!
41. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla.
42. Favorite flower? Lilies.
43. Disney or Warner Brothers? I have kids. I don't have the luxury of only one!
44. Favorite fast food restaurant? See 40.
46. Before this one, from whom did you get your last email? Some work email I expect.
47. Which store would you choose to max out your credit cards? I'd like to be able to have much more than just one store for this little job!
48. What do you do most often when you are bored? Get in my car, put on the music, and drive drive drive.
49. Bedtime? Rarely before 1-2am these days.
50. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire? Curiosity killed the cat don't you know!
51. Last person you went to dinner with? CM, last night.
52. What are you listening to right now? Nothing but the buzz of the computer.
53. What is your favorite color? Blue. Though I rarely wear it.
54. Lake, Ocean or River? Most definitely the sea. Something miraculous about that much water.
56. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? As long they're both cumming, who's keeping score!
57. How many people are you sending this Email to? However many people do me the courtesy of dropping in.
58. Who sent this to you and what is something you didn't know about him/her? Joie. I guess I don't know anything about her! Except she sounds as loopy as me :-)
59. What materialistic thing would you ask for if you had one wish to make? A house! Most definitely. A brand new house.
60. Time you finished this? 1.20am. Insomnia kicks in again!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
And the other thing....
I miss DM. Really, really miss him. I miss that we used to have such a great time, I miss that we used to chat and chat, I miss that I wanted him so badly, I miss how much he made me laugh, I miss how calm he made me, I miss how hot he made me feel, I miss his annoying anally retentive ways, I miss his beautiful stomach, I miss that we could sit in silence and everything be cool, I miss how great his voice was to hear, I miss how much he wanted me, I miss the way he supported me but gave me space.
I miss feeling right with him.
Friday, September 29, 2006
CM! (and puppies!!)
So here we are! Post CM date!! And OG the indecisive strikes again!!
I'd had a shit day at work which resulted in me blowing it off at 2.30pm and going to get a sun bed and a hair cut. Slightly less stressed for a bit but after running round like a mad thing; doing after-school club pick up, back for dinner, out for Rainbows with X, back to hoover, wash up, clean the bathroom, back to collect X from Rainbows, back to fly in the bath, only to have Y half an hour late getting back from swimming... I was not at my most relaxed and excited as you can imagine! CM duly arrives at 8pm, bang on time, and despite my stressful day I was pleased to be seeing him.
We went to a lovely restaurant for a meal, which was very nice, and sat chatting (I admit I may have done more of the chatting, but no change there!) eating, laughing and generally having a grand old time. Then came back to mine, where he came in for coffee, (at first ask). Sat and did more chatting for a couple of hours, and enjoyed having him entertain me with his party tricks (not sexual you filthy minded beasts!). Most amusing actually. So all sounding perfect so far...?
He went to leave and finally made the move (liberated woman that I am, I pretty much never make the very first move! Isn't that funny now I think about it!), we did some snogging, which was nice, bit more chatting, bit more snogging and then he left saying he had had a lovely time and asked me to text him when I was free and we would do it again. To which I agreed. Still sounding perfect...?
So, a lovely night had by all! But...
I just don't know!!!!!!!!! I had a great time, and he really really is a lovely bloke; funny, bright, chatty, relaxed, genuinely a good guy, but I just wasn't getting that grrrr factor like I did last week. And now I'm worried that I've leapt in a bit too soon.
I'm sure all you girls are thinking 'what's wrong with you OG?! He sounds perfect!', and no doubt all you men are thinking 'typical women can never make up their minds', so let me try and explain a little further...
I have a thing about puppies. Or rather men that turn into puppies. I don't like it. I don't like the pressure, the power to hurt other people that it gives me. I don't like to be doted on, it doesn't sit comfortably with me. Of course I want to be wanted, and of course I want to be treated right, but I'm not great with being adored! I like a man who can hold his own, who wants me in his life and makes that clear, but who is not going to change his life massively or instantly to accomodate me. And if a man (or anyone actually) walks around with doormat written on his forehead, or looking at me with puppy dog eyes then I will walk all over him and push him and push him to see how far he will go. And I don't like that aspect of my personality, I don't like being like that or treating people like that, and I don't like other people being hurt by that. And I'm worried CM has a bit of puppy in him, and that I will end up taking advantage of him, and because I know him I really don't want to go down that route.
A couple of things that set off my own personal OG alarm bells...
1. He has told M and KD about meeting me.
(Now granted, I did say I thought that he should get it out in the open straight away but the fact that he has before we even went out kind of makes it real. And shows that he is serious about seeing me. Pressure!)
2. He was like a cheshire cat at the physical contact.
(He actually commented on how great it was to be wanted, and about how he hasn't had that since his ex (April 2005 from what I can gather). This means it's a big deal for him. Pressure!)
3. I'm not sure if he makes me stomach twist with carnal lust.
(Now I know these things sometimes take time, and that a slow start in this department can mean a longer and better ending, but I'm used to lust, I can deal with that, and I'm so disappointed that last week I wanted to tear his clothes off and last night I didn't)
4. I'm not sure if he has any filth in him.
(Early days, but I can usually spot the glint in the eye)
So there we have it. An undecided OG! I am going to see him again, see how it goes, and as long as he keeps his cool and doesn't get too needy or doting things may be okay. We shall just have to see.
I'd had a shit day at work which resulted in me blowing it off at 2.30pm and going to get a sun bed and a hair cut. Slightly less stressed for a bit but after running round like a mad thing; doing after-school club pick up, back for dinner, out for Rainbows with X, back to hoover, wash up, clean the bathroom, back to collect X from Rainbows, back to fly in the bath, only to have Y half an hour late getting back from swimming... I was not at my most relaxed and excited as you can imagine! CM duly arrives at 8pm, bang on time, and despite my stressful day I was pleased to be seeing him.
We went to a lovely restaurant for a meal, which was very nice, and sat chatting (I admit I may have done more of the chatting, but no change there!) eating, laughing and generally having a grand old time. Then came back to mine, where he came in for coffee, (at first ask). Sat and did more chatting for a couple of hours, and enjoyed having him entertain me with his party tricks (not sexual you filthy minded beasts!). Most amusing actually. So all sounding perfect so far...?
He went to leave and finally made the move (liberated woman that I am, I pretty much never make the very first move! Isn't that funny now I think about it!), we did some snogging, which was nice, bit more chatting, bit more snogging and then he left saying he had had a lovely time and asked me to text him when I was free and we would do it again. To which I agreed. Still sounding perfect...?
So, a lovely night had by all! But...
I just don't know!!!!!!!!! I had a great time, and he really really is a lovely bloke; funny, bright, chatty, relaxed, genuinely a good guy, but I just wasn't getting that grrrr factor like I did last week. And now I'm worried that I've leapt in a bit too soon.
I'm sure all you girls are thinking 'what's wrong with you OG?! He sounds perfect!', and no doubt all you men are thinking 'typical women can never make up their minds', so let me try and explain a little further...
I have a thing about puppies. Or rather men that turn into puppies. I don't like it. I don't like the pressure, the power to hurt other people that it gives me. I don't like to be doted on, it doesn't sit comfortably with me. Of course I want to be wanted, and of course I want to be treated right, but I'm not great with being adored! I like a man who can hold his own, who wants me in his life and makes that clear, but who is not going to change his life massively or instantly to accomodate me. And if a man (or anyone actually) walks around with doormat written on his forehead, or looking at me with puppy dog eyes then I will walk all over him and push him and push him to see how far he will go. And I don't like that aspect of my personality, I don't like being like that or treating people like that, and I don't like other people being hurt by that. And I'm worried CM has a bit of puppy in him, and that I will end up taking advantage of him, and because I know him I really don't want to go down that route.
A couple of things that set off my own personal OG alarm bells...
1. He has told M and KD about meeting me.
(Now granted, I did say I thought that he should get it out in the open straight away but the fact that he has before we even went out kind of makes it real. And shows that he is serious about seeing me. Pressure!)
2. He was like a cheshire cat at the physical contact.
(He actually commented on how great it was to be wanted, and about how he hasn't had that since his ex (April 2005 from what I can gather). This means it's a big deal for him. Pressure!)
3. I'm not sure if he makes me stomach twist with carnal lust.
(Now I know these things sometimes take time, and that a slow start in this department can mean a longer and better ending, but I'm used to lust, I can deal with that, and I'm so disappointed that last week I wanted to tear his clothes off and last night I didn't)
4. I'm not sure if he has any filth in him.
(Early days, but I can usually spot the glint in the eye)
So there we have it. An undecided OG! I am going to see him again, see how it goes, and as long as he keeps his cool and doesn't get too needy or doting things may be okay. We shall just have to see.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Ta very much chuck!
Thought I would post to say thank you to all your encouraging comments. They are much appreciated!
To the boys...
Boy, thank you making me smile by reminding me blokes have insecurities too, and worry about hurting women (but that you shag them regardless!). Actually... does that make me feel better.... ;-)
Tobi, thanks again for your positive comments. I am duly reminded about the misunderstandings generated by text message, and to focus on the spoken not the unspoken, not to mention not to text him again. (Which I wasn't intending on doing before but most definitely haven't done now!)
Joe, I don't know why I am so worried?!! Maybe because it's quite a big thing for me after DM, maybe because I genuinely like him as a friend, maybe because I'm a fruit loop! Thanks also for your positive and sensible advice.
To the girls...
Joie, nice to know I'm not the only impatient Annie in the world, and true, if they scare that easily then they will have no chance!! I'm glad you like him too :-)
PS. Thanks for your concern about my potential stalkee status!
Jaded, welcome and nice to see you, I hope you come back again sometime. Again glad to hear me and Joie aren't in the minority. Naughty masseuse sounds good!
So, you have all cheered me up no end and I am feeling much better today. So no more ridiculousness from me!!! (Well for a couple of days at least!).
I am now quite excited about tomorrow, no idea what we are doing or where we are going but hey ho who needs to plan! Am also a little nervous, but not massively so. Hopefully I will have lots of wonderful things to tell you on Friday...!
To the boys...
Boy, thank you making me smile by reminding me blokes have insecurities too, and worry about hurting women (but that you shag them regardless!). Actually... does that make me feel better.... ;-)
Tobi, thanks again for your positive comments. I am duly reminded about the misunderstandings generated by text message, and to focus on the spoken not the unspoken, not to mention not to text him again. (Which I wasn't intending on doing before but most definitely haven't done now!)
Joe, I don't know why I am so worried?!! Maybe because it's quite a big thing for me after DM, maybe because I genuinely like him as a friend, maybe because I'm a fruit loop! Thanks also for your positive and sensible advice.
To the girls...
Joie, nice to know I'm not the only impatient Annie in the world, and true, if they scare that easily then they will have no chance!! I'm glad you like him too :-)
PS. Thanks for your concern about my potential stalkee status!
Jaded, welcome and nice to see you, I hope you come back again sometime. Again glad to hear me and Joie aren't in the minority. Naughty masseuse sounds good!
So, you have all cheered me up no end and I am feeling much better today. So no more ridiculousness from me!!! (Well for a couple of days at least!).
I am now quite excited about tomorrow, no idea what we are doing or where we are going but hey ho who needs to plan! Am also a little nervous, but not massively so. Hopefully I will have lots of wonderful things to tell you on Friday...!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Plea to the boys...
Okay, so there's good news and bad news about the CM situation. Well actually there's good news and bad if you're an overanalysing girlie news... hence the plea to the boys. Though do please comment also girls!
The good news is that I am seeing CM on Thursday. Yay!! The bad news is that I am an impatient Annie and I couldn't wait to hear from him so I text him first, (will I ever learn?!?!) and am now having a paranoid city attack!
So, here is how it went...
Me - Hi there. Hope you good. Just checking we on for this Thursday and not just a Thursday. That's if I haven't scared you off with my rambling! Just need to let my sitter know..
CM - (FIFTEEN minutes later I must say!!!) No, this Thursday it was. I am lying flat on the floor at the minute, hurt my back, didn't do anything, just moved funny I guess. What time shall I come get you?
Me - Cool bout Thurs. Not cool bout your back. You want to be careful... some women would take advantage of your unfortunate position :-) Bout 8? That ok? I don't mind driving though.
CM - Lol, to some pain is pleasure I'm told. Been a while since I came round, what number do you live at?
Me - (made him wait 20mins this time!) **** Street. Looking forward to it. See you thursday. x
Thats it. Now I know I am probably being stupid but I really really wish I had waited and let him text me first because now I am being paranoid that he isn't that bothered and that for some reason he is just coming because he feels bad. And I wanted him to text me back "I'm looking forward to it too" so I could be all happy and fluffy and smiley again.
So, Joe, Tobi, Boy, Flash, Virgin and any other random men that might happen by... am I just being a girl? Why do we girls over analyse and over obsess about stupid bloody things, and should we? And Joie, Me, and other random girls that might happen by... IS IT JUST ME THAT DOES THIS???!
The good news is that I am seeing CM on Thursday. Yay!! The bad news is that I am an impatient Annie and I couldn't wait to hear from him so I text him first, (will I ever learn?!?!) and am now having a paranoid city attack!
So, here is how it went...
Me - Hi there. Hope you good. Just checking we on for this Thursday and not just a Thursday. That's if I haven't scared you off with my rambling! Just need to let my sitter know..
CM - (FIFTEEN minutes later I must say!!!) No, this Thursday it was. I am lying flat on the floor at the minute, hurt my back, didn't do anything, just moved funny I guess. What time shall I come get you?
Me - Cool bout Thurs. Not cool bout your back. You want to be careful... some women would take advantage of your unfortunate position :-) Bout 8? That ok? I don't mind driving though.
CM - Lol, to some pain is pleasure I'm told. Been a while since I came round, what number do you live at?
Me - (made him wait 20mins this time!) **** Street. Looking forward to it. See you thursday. x
Thats it. Now I know I am probably being stupid but I really really wish I had waited and let him text me first because now I am being paranoid that he isn't that bothered and that for some reason he is just coming because he feels bad. And I wanted him to text me back "I'm looking forward to it too" so I could be all happy and fluffy and smiley again.
So, Joe, Tobi, Boy, Flash, Virgin and any other random men that might happen by... am I just being a girl? Why do we girls over analyse and over obsess about stupid bloody things, and should we? And Joie, Me, and other random girls that might happen by... IS IT JUST ME THAT DOES THIS???!
Monday, September 25, 2006
And CM...
Hasn't text me yet!! And while I am 90% sure he will, I am not so fluffy now. I will feel much better when he does and I know I am definitely going to see him. So, all repeat after me.... Text OG, text OG, text OG......
Bloody car!!
My new car (a 53 plate Rover 25 Impression S if you're wondering...) is broken :-(
I am most annoyed!! I have only had it for a month, and it is beautiful. A lovely metallic blue with little spoiler and posh front lights, air conditioning, electric windows, great stereo, only 37,000 miles... Did I mention it is beautiful?? And now it's broke!!!
The engine has felt a little odd for the last week or so. Only when idling, but a little jerky, and then the engine management light came on Sunday morning when I was taking CM back. And so now it is at the garage waiting to be fixed and I am driving around in a crappy M reg Metro in the meantime. Damn damn my beautiful new car! I want it back!
I am most annoyed!! I have only had it for a month, and it is beautiful. A lovely metallic blue with little spoiler and posh front lights, air conditioning, electric windows, great stereo, only 37,000 miles... Did I mention it is beautiful?? And now it's broke!!!
The engine has felt a little odd for the last week or so. Only when idling, but a little jerky, and then the engine management light came on Sunday morning when I was taking CM back. And so now it is at the garage waiting to be fixed and I am driving around in a crappy M reg Metro in the meantime. Damn damn my beautiful new car! I want it back!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Horny again!!!
Okay, apologies to all for the explicitness of the last couple of days (like you all hate it of course!!!), but if I don't get this out of my head then I'm gonna be headed for another late night and work (and G, oh my god LMAO, how will I be able to look him in the eye without laughing in his face?!) calls tomorrow!
So, you've all read what actually happened last night. But what's been running through my head is what I wanted to be happening. Assuming it was just me and him of course. (Actually truth be told no doubt there's material in my head to do a whole post about me, him and M!!!! But that is for another day....)
I was sat next to him, and we were chatting and laughing and generally being stupid and happy, and while my mouth was talking about the mundane whatever conversation we were having, and while my body betrayed no more than the odd hand on his shoulder or on his leg, or the odd brush of thigh against thigh, my brain was imagining me sitting forward and swinging my leg right over his lap so that I was facing him and straddled across him. That he was a little surprised but didn't resist or speak. I look at for what seems an age, still neither of us speaks, and then I lean in towards him, slowly, bringing my lips to his. He responds, tentatively and slowly, feeling the way, finding the way, with lips that are soft and warm. My groin begins to respond with that delicious tightening a truly good kiss can bring, and I lean into him more, bringing my pussy over his, raising imperceptibly higher and higher until I can feel his hardness beneath me.
I kiss him deeper, harder, tasting him, wanting to join the two of us there, feeling him respond and his cock to grow beneath me, feeling my breath becoming shallower. I'm moving on him now, ever so slightly, an almost unconscious rocking that pushes me further. I stop and breathe. I don't want this to be lost in a rush of fumble and passion, I don't want this to be over too soon, I want him to remember this. I slow the kissing down, pulling back ever so slightly but keeping in contact, keeping our mouths locked, but letting him regain some normality and bring himself back down from that place of no return.
I slip my mouth away, and down to his neck, let him relax back and enjoy the feelings. Down further, undo the shirt, touch and kiss across his chest. Slip down onto my knees in front of him, but continue to focus on his chest, his neck, occasionally kneeling up high enough to make contact with his mouth again. To engage him again, to make this our time and our experience, to keep us connected.
I begin to move my hands further down while keeping my mouth above his waist, ensuring things don't go too fast, that I don't push things too far too soon. I massage his cock through his jeans, loving the feel of it, of its hardness, feeling myself wet at the thought of him. Back up for the kiss, a long deep one this time, to be sure he knows this is about me and him, to make up for the time I may not be kissing him, to make it real and personal.
I undo his jeans, slip down the zip, raise his hips to lower them to his knees. Revel in the look of him through his shorts and softly stroke him through the thin fabric. I hear his breath catch as I touch him, just a little noise but enough to turn me on a little more. I take his cock out of its confines and run my tongue from the base to the tip, slowly and lightly, before swirling its tip around the head of him. It grows again, and his breath catches deeper this time. I begin to lick him, gently and slowly, around the tip, down the shaft, back up again in constant motion but never taking him fully into my mouth. Building up the speed slightly, then holding my mouth fully over him, letting him feel the hot breath of me but not yet, not quite yet making contact with his skin.
He begins to push slightly against me, his body wanting to feel me on him fully, but I make sure he can't wait any more before I slowly lower my mouth around him, wet and warm and deep, and suck long and hard and slow up the entire length of his beautiful hard cock. Then back down again, swirling my mouth around him, building up the moisture and the speed, beginning to build a rythm that I can feel his hips pushing into. Slowing sometimes to throw him, then dipping back down again. Sometimes licking and sucking up the shaft, or concentrating on the head, sometimes taking him all into me.
When I feel him getting close to cumming, starting to lose a bit of the control he's had to show so far, I slow him back down again. Gentler strokes, looser mouth, slower pace. And then, when I am sure he is back with me I move myself back up, sit back across him, skirt raised. Kiss him long and hard and deep so he can taste himself on me, so that we can reconnect before we connect this first time.
I build the kisses up but keep things calm, wanting to be sure when he enters me that he is with me in his head. My hips begin that natural motion again, and I can feel his cock so close to me that I have to make myself wait, not let myself tip over the edge. And then, when I am ready, I raise myself slightly and pull my knickers to the side. I want this to happen this way, with me dressed, with me in control and giving this to him, unconditionally, allowing him to experience it but not have to contribute to it. Let myself slide back down on to him. Feeling him grow again, pushing against me, against my wetness. Watch his face as he enters me, and see him watching mine. To pause, just a split second to kiss him again before letting him take over, roll me over, and fuck all that pent up passion out of us!
And so to bed!! And sweet dreams to you all xxx
So, you've all read what actually happened last night. But what's been running through my head is what I wanted to be happening. Assuming it was just me and him of course. (Actually truth be told no doubt there's material in my head to do a whole post about me, him and M!!!! But that is for another day....)
I was sat next to him, and we were chatting and laughing and generally being stupid and happy, and while my mouth was talking about the mundane whatever conversation we were having, and while my body betrayed no more than the odd hand on his shoulder or on his leg, or the odd brush of thigh against thigh, my brain was imagining me sitting forward and swinging my leg right over his lap so that I was facing him and straddled across him. That he was a little surprised but didn't resist or speak. I look at for what seems an age, still neither of us speaks, and then I lean in towards him, slowly, bringing my lips to his. He responds, tentatively and slowly, feeling the way, finding the way, with lips that are soft and warm. My groin begins to respond with that delicious tightening a truly good kiss can bring, and I lean into him more, bringing my pussy over his, raising imperceptibly higher and higher until I can feel his hardness beneath me.
I kiss him deeper, harder, tasting him, wanting to join the two of us there, feeling him respond and his cock to grow beneath me, feeling my breath becoming shallower. I'm moving on him now, ever so slightly, an almost unconscious rocking that pushes me further. I stop and breathe. I don't want this to be lost in a rush of fumble and passion, I don't want this to be over too soon, I want him to remember this. I slow the kissing down, pulling back ever so slightly but keeping in contact, keeping our mouths locked, but letting him regain some normality and bring himself back down from that place of no return.
I slip my mouth away, and down to his neck, let him relax back and enjoy the feelings. Down further, undo the shirt, touch and kiss across his chest. Slip down onto my knees in front of him, but continue to focus on his chest, his neck, occasionally kneeling up high enough to make contact with his mouth again. To engage him again, to make this our time and our experience, to keep us connected.
I begin to move my hands further down while keeping my mouth above his waist, ensuring things don't go too fast, that I don't push things too far too soon. I massage his cock through his jeans, loving the feel of it, of its hardness, feeling myself wet at the thought of him. Back up for the kiss, a long deep one this time, to be sure he knows this is about me and him, to make up for the time I may not be kissing him, to make it real and personal.
I undo his jeans, slip down the zip, raise his hips to lower them to his knees. Revel in the look of him through his shorts and softly stroke him through the thin fabric. I hear his breath catch as I touch him, just a little noise but enough to turn me on a little more. I take his cock out of its confines and run my tongue from the base to the tip, slowly and lightly, before swirling its tip around the head of him. It grows again, and his breath catches deeper this time. I begin to lick him, gently and slowly, around the tip, down the shaft, back up again in constant motion but never taking him fully into my mouth. Building up the speed slightly, then holding my mouth fully over him, letting him feel the hot breath of me but not yet, not quite yet making contact with his skin.
He begins to push slightly against me, his body wanting to feel me on him fully, but I make sure he can't wait any more before I slowly lower my mouth around him, wet and warm and deep, and suck long and hard and slow up the entire length of his beautiful hard cock. Then back down again, swirling my mouth around him, building up the moisture and the speed, beginning to build a rythm that I can feel his hips pushing into. Slowing sometimes to throw him, then dipping back down again. Sometimes licking and sucking up the shaft, or concentrating on the head, sometimes taking him all into me.
When I feel him getting close to cumming, starting to lose a bit of the control he's had to show so far, I slow him back down again. Gentler strokes, looser mouth, slower pace. And then, when I am sure he is back with me I move myself back up, sit back across him, skirt raised. Kiss him long and hard and deep so he can taste himself on me, so that we can reconnect before we connect this first time.
I build the kisses up but keep things calm, wanting to be sure when he enters me that he is with me in his head. My hips begin that natural motion again, and I can feel his cock so close to me that I have to make myself wait, not let myself tip over the edge. And then, when I am ready, I raise myself slightly and pull my knickers to the side. I want this to happen this way, with me dressed, with me in control and giving this to him, unconditionally, allowing him to experience it but not have to contribute to it. Let myself slide back down on to him. Feeling him grow again, pushing against me, against my wetness. Watch his face as he enters me, and see him watching mine. To pause, just a split second to kiss him again before letting him take over, roll me over, and fuck all that pent up passion out of us!
And so to bed!! And sweet dreams to you all xxx
Horny fluffy bunny
Oh and I forgot to say.... no doubt more horny thoughts coming this way, because I cannot get the idea of doing dirty things to him out of my head, so may have to spill them all down here to be able to function!!!
Lalalalalalalalalala!!!! Fluffy bunny today!
Oh my god, what a funny funny Saturday night I have had. In a very good way!! I am smiley smiley smiley today folks :-)
For those of you that have been keeping up with my previous posts and amours (or trying), you will obviously know about DM - who still remains my one true love and a continuing undercurrent in my life. M - the potential fuckbuddy who has been sending me some very mixed messages just lately and cheeky and cocky and funny as he is, is really not worth the effort. CM - the slight crush from the past with a soft spot for me, who I completely wigged out about knowing about M, and mate of M, and cousin of KD (an old flame with a continuing desire for me, also mate of M). And you may also remember a mention of G - a work colleague who is damn sexy, although extremely professional at work, but has been ever so slightly flirty and is maybe a potential for the future.
So, somewhat understandably, my head has been a tad confused over what/who to do for the best! Well folks, I'm not a great believer in spiritual destiny or divine intervention but last night I had the kind of night that answered all my questions! (Well not DM questions but I guess I just have to live with that!).
I had a few plans to attend to last night: a birthday party, a hen night, a drink with friends and free tickets to a local club. I decided to try and fit all of this in, so decided to meet with friends at the bar where the birthday party was starting then join the hen party to go to the free ticketed club. All good. All out of my home town.
The night started well. I was looking hot if I say so myself, and I was feeling mighty fine. Got some nice interest in the bar, and one bloke came up and told me he loved me! After much laughing from me he then said "well I think I might fancy you then!", he was quite sweet but a tad drunkard and so I didn't pursue it. A nice ego boost though. Had good fun/chats/laughs with friends/birthday party and then headed to club. Unfortunately hen night decided to go to a much cheesier establishment but never mind.
Have to say, I don't frequent this club very often, so just bear that in mind in terms of the randomness of events (we shall call going this night oddity number 1). Well, who should I bump into in the club but ................. G!!! And I tell you, he was ABSOLUTELY TWATTED!!!!!! Seriously! Obviously I work with him so couldn't be too indiscreet, but I would say the old Ectasy was working its magic if you get my drift! Now this in itself is not too bad. While I never indulge in this particular drug recreation myself, a lot of my mates and people of my generation do, and it isn't an issue with me. But, the funniest thing was, he turned from this VERY professional bloke into Michael Jackson on speed! It was car crash viewing folks. I couldn't look at him properly for the first hour I was so embarrassed for him!! He didn't seem to mind though, after bumping into him later he was happily shaking his thang in front of me. So, strike one man off list. With immediate effect!!
We left the club around 2.15 I guess. Mate got a burger then we just sat in the car and chilled, watching the world go by and tormenting drunken boys :-) Now I have to say, this is something we don't usually do (random oddity number 2). Normally it's burger and straight home. Toyed with the idea of going back to the party but decided to call it a night instead. Got back to hometown and I needed ciggies, so headed for the garage. And for some reason went the long way round (random oddity number 3 - didn't even realise all these randoms until today!). Lo and behold, who should be walking up the road but M and CM!!!!!!
So, we stopped and said hi, offered them a lift etc. M had got into a bit of bother rowing with his ex so we had to go find KD and blah blah blah, all a bit of drama. Dropped KD home then the four of us went round to M's for a coffee and chat etc. And I tell you what, CM was looking fucking hot. I mean, I was sat next to him and had to hold myself back from swinging my leg over his lap and snogging the face off him.
A while later and mate wanted to go home, and CM needed dropping back at KDs where he was staying. Mate and I had had a conversation earlier about making sure I dropped her off first, so we get in the car and she duly pleads a headache and asks can I take her home first. Go mate :-) (We are devious creatures you know!). So I drop her home and drive him back up.
We sat talking for a bit, I mentioned he should text me and we'd go for a beer, bit of banter etc, and then I felt the need to address the M situation with him. Knowing he knows of course! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I basically told him: that I'd been worried what he would think of me, and that that had been a bit odd for me, and that I really liked him, and that I knew we'd been close to stepping over the friend line before, and that I had always thought that at some point in the future we would be together!
For those of you that have been keeping up with my previous posts and amours (or trying), you will obviously know about DM - who still remains my one true love and a continuing undercurrent in my life. M - the potential fuckbuddy who has been sending me some very mixed messages just lately and cheeky and cocky and funny as he is, is really not worth the effort. CM - the slight crush from the past with a soft spot for me, who I completely wigged out about knowing about M, and mate of M, and cousin of KD (an old flame with a continuing desire for me, also mate of M). And you may also remember a mention of G - a work colleague who is damn sexy, although extremely professional at work, but has been ever so slightly flirty and is maybe a potential for the future.
So, somewhat understandably, my head has been a tad confused over what/who to do for the best! Well folks, I'm not a great believer in spiritual destiny or divine intervention but last night I had the kind of night that answered all my questions! (Well not DM questions but I guess I just have to live with that!).
I had a few plans to attend to last night: a birthday party, a hen night, a drink with friends and free tickets to a local club. I decided to try and fit all of this in, so decided to meet with friends at the bar where the birthday party was starting then join the hen party to go to the free ticketed club. All good. All out of my home town.
The night started well. I was looking hot if I say so myself, and I was feeling mighty fine. Got some nice interest in the bar, and one bloke came up and told me he loved me! After much laughing from me he then said "well I think I might fancy you then!", he was quite sweet but a tad drunkard and so I didn't pursue it. A nice ego boost though. Had good fun/chats/laughs with friends/birthday party and then headed to club. Unfortunately hen night decided to go to a much cheesier establishment but never mind.
Have to say, I don't frequent this club very often, so just bear that in mind in terms of the randomness of events (we shall call going this night oddity number 1). Well, who should I bump into in the club but ................. G!!! And I tell you, he was ABSOLUTELY TWATTED!!!!!! Seriously! Obviously I work with him so couldn't be too indiscreet, but I would say the old Ectasy was working its magic if you get my drift! Now this in itself is not too bad. While I never indulge in this particular drug recreation myself, a lot of my mates and people of my generation do, and it isn't an issue with me. But, the funniest thing was, he turned from this VERY professional bloke into Michael Jackson on speed! It was car crash viewing folks. I couldn't look at him properly for the first hour I was so embarrassed for him!! He didn't seem to mind though, after bumping into him later he was happily shaking his thang in front of me. So, strike one man off list. With immediate effect!!
We left the club around 2.15 I guess. Mate got a burger then we just sat in the car and chilled, watching the world go by and tormenting drunken boys :-) Now I have to say, this is something we don't usually do (random oddity number 2). Normally it's burger and straight home. Toyed with the idea of going back to the party but decided to call it a night instead. Got back to hometown and I needed ciggies, so headed for the garage. And for some reason went the long way round (random oddity number 3 - didn't even realise all these randoms until today!). Lo and behold, who should be walking up the road but M and CM!!!!!!
So, we stopped and said hi, offered them a lift etc. M had got into a bit of bother rowing with his ex so we had to go find KD and blah blah blah, all a bit of drama. Dropped KD home then the four of us went round to M's for a coffee and chat etc. And I tell you what, CM was looking fucking hot. I mean, I was sat next to him and had to hold myself back from swinging my leg over his lap and snogging the face off him.
A while later and mate wanted to go home, and CM needed dropping back at KDs where he was staying. Mate and I had had a conversation earlier about making sure I dropped her off first, so we get in the car and she duly pleads a headache and asks can I take her home first. Go mate :-) (We are devious creatures you know!). So I drop her home and drive him back up.
We sat talking for a bit, I mentioned he should text me and we'd go for a beer, bit of banter etc, and then I felt the need to address the M situation with him. Knowing he knows of course! Anyway, to cut a long story short, I basically told him: that I'd been worried what he would think of me, and that that had been a bit odd for me, and that I really liked him, and that I knew we'd been close to stepping over the friend line before, and that I had always thought that at some point in the future we would be together!
And then I took a breath and thought stop your fucking rambling!!!
Luckily he stepped in at this point and told me: that he really liked me too, that he wasn't sure he could cope with anything heavy, that he missed female company, that he had told M that he wished he had what M had with me, and that the M thing hadn't changed how he felt about me!
Fuck man, this was way deeper than I would normally be going at this point. And apart from when I started with DM I have always put my break-up back up clause in straight away. I've always said right at the beginning "I think this is how I feel but I'm fickle and I have a really low boredom threshold and don't like me too much because chances are I'll have changed my mind in three months!". And if I didn't say it then I'd be worrying about today about the fact I didn't say it and I'd be factoring it into our next meeting/conversation. There's not a man alive that could say I led them on and made promises I couldn't keep. I don't say things lightly and when I say them I mean them.
I also told him: that I didn't want to do the fuckbuddy thing with him, that I liked him too much, and that while I'm still in recovery over DM and still not sure I'm in a place where I can think about a "relationship", and while I need my space and will want to take my time with stuff, I know I don't want to just fuck him and leave.
So, we basically agreed to go out for a drink or a meal and see how it goes. We tentatively arranged Thursday and left it that he would text me. He also gave me his number. And then we kissed. Not snogging, no tongues or any such thing but 3 or 4 long (almost open mouthed) kisses. And they were fucking hot!!!!!!!! I had to tell him to go now or I might have to leap on him!
And so I am now happy happy bunny :-) I can't believe all the random events that conspired to get to this point. If any one of the random events above had been different I wouldn't have seen him last night and would have spent the next week or so the same as I spent this week; wondering how to get in touch with him and what to say if I did. But what I most can't believe is how happy I am knowing that I am going to see him Thursday (assuming he texts me, which he better!!!). It's all just a bit mad!
I guess I'm ready to take that first tip toe into the water again.... God help me!!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Horny!
Goddamn I'm horny!! Must be that fish pie.... Omega 3 or something.... (Or it could be I'm just horny!)
Anyway, I have been having the most deliciously dirty thoughts, involving DM doing wickedly delightful things to me, as he always did. Damn that boy was good!!! And his new gf doesn't even appreciate him!!! A waste, a pure waste of sexual energy. Mine and his!
But, as he is not here to help satiate my desires I guess I will have to make do with spilling some of it out here and then going for a fiddle...
If I had to categorise my sex life I'd say it's pretty average really. Mostly vanilla, but maybe a little raspberry ripple!! I've never had a threesome, never been with a girl, fucked in the usual places but nothing massively extreme, have done toys, role play, light bondage, mild submission and domination, anal sex (just the once properly), just an ordinary girl with an ordinary sex life.
I'm pretty open minded to any sexual practice but it takes a long term partner to begin that level of trust to experiment fully and I haven't had a long term partner in that way for nearly 10 years, so I consider myself to be pretty limited. I don't think I'm the best shag in the world, but equally I think I manage pretty well and I do know I give damn good head :-)
So, being a somewhat ordinary girl, I have the most wicked things go round in my head sometimes. Most of my fantasies involve people I have some kind of actual sexual experience with, I rarely fantasise about pop stars/celebrities, etc. Sometimes they are people I know and fancy but haven't had any experience with, sometimes they are faceless people (usually men), but mostly I fantasise about actual physical feelings I have had before, with sometimes a bit of imagination thrown in for good measure!!
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking being with DM, about how I want to lay with my legs stretched out wide while he sucks and licks and teases me mercilessly. I remember the way I used to get wet just looking at him sometimes, and how kissing him would turn me on so much my pussy would be soaking. How he would slip his fingers into me and comment on how wet I was, and howI loved knowing that that wetness made him hot. How he could take hours touching and teasing me. How he would begin by running his tongue over my pussy lips and my clit. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Always knowing what he was doing. How he would ask me to hold myself open for him and how fucking hot that made me. To know I was spreading myself for him, showing myself to him, offering myself to him. How he would push his fingers into me while his tongue and lips worked on my clit, and how he would find a spot deep inside me that nobody else has ever been able to find. How he would push me and push me, knowing I wasn't used to cumming that way, making sure he didn't stop until I did. How he would tease my arsehole, how I would push towards him dying for him to go further there. To make me his. To give myself to him. How he would make me cum sometimes before he even let me touch him. How I would resist that because I wanted him to have the pleasure too, but how I knew that control gave him pleasure. How sometimes he would make me cum and just keep going until I couldn't see, couldn't control myself at all. How I would shake and spasm and lose myself in him. And how then he would slide his beautiful, beautiful hard cock into my wetness and we would be complete.
And so I imagine those times. Imagine what it would be like to have him touch me again. To have him in me again. And I touch myself and think of him, and when I have cum and when I have calmed, I miss him again. But I know he is there in my head, and I know I can remember those times and many many others any time I want. And I am glad for those times and those thoughts even though I know we could have had so so much more.
And on other days I just think filth!!!
Anyway, I have been having the most deliciously dirty thoughts, involving DM doing wickedly delightful things to me, as he always did. Damn that boy was good!!! And his new gf doesn't even appreciate him!!! A waste, a pure waste of sexual energy. Mine and his!
But, as he is not here to help satiate my desires I guess I will have to make do with spilling some of it out here and then going for a fiddle...
If I had to categorise my sex life I'd say it's pretty average really. Mostly vanilla, but maybe a little raspberry ripple!! I've never had a threesome, never been with a girl, fucked in the usual places but nothing massively extreme, have done toys, role play, light bondage, mild submission and domination, anal sex (just the once properly), just an ordinary girl with an ordinary sex life.
I'm pretty open minded to any sexual practice but it takes a long term partner to begin that level of trust to experiment fully and I haven't had a long term partner in that way for nearly 10 years, so I consider myself to be pretty limited. I don't think I'm the best shag in the world, but equally I think I manage pretty well and I do know I give damn good head :-)
So, being a somewhat ordinary girl, I have the most wicked things go round in my head sometimes. Most of my fantasies involve people I have some kind of actual sexual experience with, I rarely fantasise about pop stars/celebrities, etc. Sometimes they are people I know and fancy but haven't had any experience with, sometimes they are faceless people (usually men), but mostly I fantasise about actual physical feelings I have had before, with sometimes a bit of imagination thrown in for good measure!!
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking being with DM, about how I want to lay with my legs stretched out wide while he sucks and licks and teases me mercilessly. I remember the way I used to get wet just looking at him sometimes, and how kissing him would turn me on so much my pussy would be soaking. How he would slip his fingers into me and comment on how wet I was, and howI loved knowing that that wetness made him hot. How he could take hours touching and teasing me. How he would begin by running his tongue over my pussy lips and my clit. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Always knowing what he was doing. How he would ask me to hold myself open for him and how fucking hot that made me. To know I was spreading myself for him, showing myself to him, offering myself to him. How he would push his fingers into me while his tongue and lips worked on my clit, and how he would find a spot deep inside me that nobody else has ever been able to find. How he would push me and push me, knowing I wasn't used to cumming that way, making sure he didn't stop until I did. How he would tease my arsehole, how I would push towards him dying for him to go further there. To make me his. To give myself to him. How he would make me cum sometimes before he even let me touch him. How I would resist that because I wanted him to have the pleasure too, but how I knew that control gave him pleasure. How sometimes he would make me cum and just keep going until I couldn't see, couldn't control myself at all. How I would shake and spasm and lose myself in him. And how then he would slide his beautiful, beautiful hard cock into my wetness and we would be complete.
And so I imagine those times. Imagine what it would be like to have him touch me again. To have him in me again. And I touch myself and think of him, and when I have cum and when I have calmed, I miss him again. But I know he is there in my head, and I know I can remember those times and many many others any time I want. And I am glad for those times and those thoughts even though I know we could have had so so much more.
And on other days I just think filth!!!
Prawns!
Why would anybody want to put prawns in fish pie?? I ask you!! Some people are not quite right in the head....!!
Prawns, tch!
Prawns, tch!
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The rock and the hard place!
If I accept that he loved me but left then I'm left with the fact that love isn't enough.
If I accept that he didn't love me then how can I trust my judgement again?
If I accept that he didn't love me then how can I trust my judgement again?
DM - The relationship facts
Just got back from my best friend's parents house. Her dad died a couple of weeks ago and so she has been back from New Zealand for this week for the funeral, etc. Very sad about her dad but a blessing for him to be honest. Her and her mum both seem to be coping well, they have the funeral out of the way now and it has been very lovely to see her. I didn't go to the funeral, for lots of reasons, but saw her Monday night and then went over to see her mum tonight to take flowers and a card and generally pay my respects.
And it got me to thinking (as always) about DM and the way I feel, etc, and how much pain I have been through this year, and in a way it makes me feel selfish. DM has only been a part of my life for 15months, and only a truly fantastic part for 5 of those and look how long it has taken me (is still taking me) to deal with that. To come to terms with the loss. (It's ironic that the day we officially broke up, I called him "pathetic" for not having come to terms with his seperation from his wife of 8yrs after 2 whole year!! Fucking ironic. I bet he wants to throw that back in my face!).
And there are people like my best friend's mum who have spent 50 years with their partner!! How do you come to terms with that?? I can't even imagine what it feels like being with someone for that amount of time. I guess the only consolation is that when you get to the end of a life together you can begin to predict that loss, and in a way you expect it, even if it comes sooner than you had imagined. I wish them all the very best of health and love during this time and for the future.
One of the hardest things I have found during this thing with DM is that I didn't get to predict the loss. I didn't expect it (maybe slightly and superficially in the last few weeks) and I didn't see it coming. In fact, nobody expected it and nobody saw it coming. All my friends were as shocked as I was. And because I had signed my heart up to him I believed he had too. He let me believe that. And that has been one of the most difficult things to take forward really, to imagine myself in another future with another man and not be looking and waiting for that axe to fall. The other major difficulty is that I still don't know why. He still can't, or won't, tell me what happened, and that is really difficult. How can you fight or fix what you don't know?
Anyway. Feeling quite calm I guess it's time to lay down the story for you all. You've had the emotional meltdown post, you've had the not being concerned posts, and you've had the twatty embarrassing psycho posts! But for now lets talk about how it was, how I come to be here with this.
I gave you some previous relationship history before http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/dm-part-1.html but just to refresh, I have always been the kind of girl not concerned with getting married, buying houses, having kids (I ended up with X and Y anyway but hey ho!), settling down etc. Of course I wanted to be with somebody, to love them and have them love me, but I wasn't ready to hang up my single boots just yet thank you, and as for that commitment word... well, lets just say I'd had a few struggles with it before.
As an interesting aside, I've had many conversations with a variety of friends who know me to varying degrees, about whether I have "commitment issues". I even went to see a counsellor last year to try and resolve them (lot of good that was if you ask me! Needless to say I only went once!).
Anyhoo.... I have always maintained that I don't have a problem with commitment but that I just hadn't met the right person. Many of my friends would say I was in denial about this, and for a while I began to question this belief I held. I began to wonder if this pattern of meet a man, see them for 3months, get bored, leave the man (and it was a pattern!!! in fact I always used to tell new men that!) was in fact my commitment issues at work. I began to doubt myself. To clarify, and particularly after DM, I now still say with absolute certainty that I do not have commitment issues. Yes I find it a little difficult. Yes it is not in my nature to sign myself over to somebody willy nilly. Yes I like my freedom. Yes I hate the thought of being tied down. BUT, when I am in, then I'm in. If you get my drift. That had just not happened to me before.
So, here I am... June 2005, happy to be single but of course wanting to have somebody to go out with, have fun with, have sex with, etc etc. So I joined an online dating agency as I had done the online thing before and met some nice people and had some fun (3month!) relationships. Had not long been on and I saw and contacted DM. And it's funny because when I contacted him I didn't expect him to reply. He just seemed to have a life (lots of travel, no kids, etc) that didn't seem consistent with mine (no travel, 2 kids, etc), but something about his profile made me want to say hi and wish him well. He responded, we hit it off immediately and soon emails were flying at a rate of knots.
July 2005 (the 8th if you're interested!) we met for the first time after a couple of phone calls. I remember not being sure when I first laid eyes on him, but after a couple of hours the fancying feelings were beginning to grow, and we had such a good chatty time that we extended our date and went to a late night pub. By the end of the night I had decided I really quite liked him, and the fancying was in full flow.
The rest of July proceeded happily and nicely. We did fun things. Went to open air Shakespeare, visited local castles, historic towns, went to eat, to drink, to chat. We had fun and we got to know each other. We slept together on our third date (see what a good girl I was!), and even then I was aware that for some reason I wanted to play this one differently. That I didn't want to fuck and leave. That I respected his opinion of me. In fact, for the first time in a very long time I didn't set the start for the end by saying I had a really short boredom threshold and that I would probably be gone in 3mths. So early on I didn't want to play that part anymore.
That first night I stayed over was great. And indicative of the sex life to come! The first time was a little quick (hmm hmm!), but we stopped to have a cigarette and a breather, and then went back and did it again. And it just rocked. Straight away we fitted. Even though we didn't know what buttons to press and we didn't know how far to push things and we were both a bit shy and nervous and it was first night sex basically!!! We just fitted, and it was great! It wasn't the best sex I've ever had and it wasn't the best first night sex I've ever had, but it was right and good. And the best bit, and the bit I've never had with anybody else (and in truth believe he's never had either) is that we got up in the morning and quite naturally did a bit of a rundown of the night before. What was good, what felt awkward, just how it was, and that felt even more right! And to be honest that set the scene for how we would be for the next 5mths, and after as it turned out!
So July slipped into August and we carried on what we had started. We went out and had fun, we stayed in and had more fun, we talked and laughed and fucked and generally got to know each other, and life was good! About the end of August he had to go to the US for work and I was going away with a mate for a week. And it was about this time, just before we were going to be apart for a few weeks, that he told me that he loved me. And I remember that as happy as I was I wasn't ready to hear it. In fact I tried to put it off or avoid it when I felt it was coming a few times. I just felt it was too early and he couldn't possibly mean it if he could feel he loved me after just 6 weeks. I guess that was a sign eh? But we moved through it and while he was away I missed him so much and I began to take those tentative steps into real feelings.
September came and went. We continued to bond and to grow. To feel more comfortable with each other I suppose, and the sex got better and better and we fell more and more in love. I say we because I had (have??) no reason to doubt that that was how it was. Anyone of my friends would tell you that it was completely real, tangible almost, that we were both smitten, that we were so right together, that it was obvious how much he adored me, and that I had never been like this around anyone before.
September drifted into October. But before it did I remember the wobble I had. I don't remember what started it, but I remember driving back from his house late one Friday night, and for some reason I just questioned whether I wanted to be doing this. Whether I wanted to truly step on that path that could take me to somewhere risky and dangerous, (the path that would bring me here as it happens!). And I remember having the conversations in my head: telling myself I would be stupid to walk away from all of this. That I had never felt like this about anybody, that he was everything, and so much more than I had ever dreamed off, that I ought to grow up and be grateful for the opportunity to have something so great with someone so fucking wonderful. And just like that I stepped off that cliff. And it sounds freaky to say but it was almost like I took a big breath of all that anxiety and commitment stuff I carried with me and I let it go.... just like that! And in that moment, that he never knew about (still doesn't know about), I made my commitment to him, for the long haul, for the rest of my life.
October carried on as before. We had a bit of a spat in the latter half of the month. I had been ill and then he had been ill, and we had spent more time together for a longer length than usual, and more time with X and Y, and to be honest it was all a bit much. But things settled back down again and went back to smug and fluffy. To be true to how things were, we did have the odd row during this time, the occasional cross word etc, but generally there were no major falling outs or potential problems. (Rosy coloured spectacles? I don't know! Ask him...!)
(It's funny, as I write this, I wonder... would his version of things sound the same?? Is his perception similar to mine or far removed from it??).
November started off well. We had a firework party, and he bought tons of fireworks... seriously folks, more fireworks than any party can need!! He made rocket launchers, he set up a marquee, he was really into the whole thing. And it was one of the times I remember best about him, in his winter hat lighting firework after firework long after the kids had got bored and gone inside.
And then.... mid to late November everything just stopped! Almost just like that. Really. Just. Like. That!
And it got me to thinking (as always) about DM and the way I feel, etc, and how much pain I have been through this year, and in a way it makes me feel selfish. DM has only been a part of my life for 15months, and only a truly fantastic part for 5 of those and look how long it has taken me (is still taking me) to deal with that. To come to terms with the loss. (It's ironic that the day we officially broke up, I called him "pathetic" for not having come to terms with his seperation from his wife of 8yrs after 2 whole year!! Fucking ironic. I bet he wants to throw that back in my face!).
And there are people like my best friend's mum who have spent 50 years with their partner!! How do you come to terms with that?? I can't even imagine what it feels like being with someone for that amount of time. I guess the only consolation is that when you get to the end of a life together you can begin to predict that loss, and in a way you expect it, even if it comes sooner than you had imagined. I wish them all the very best of health and love during this time and for the future.
One of the hardest things I have found during this thing with DM is that I didn't get to predict the loss. I didn't expect it (maybe slightly and superficially in the last few weeks) and I didn't see it coming. In fact, nobody expected it and nobody saw it coming. All my friends were as shocked as I was. And because I had signed my heart up to him I believed he had too. He let me believe that. And that has been one of the most difficult things to take forward really, to imagine myself in another future with another man and not be looking and waiting for that axe to fall. The other major difficulty is that I still don't know why. He still can't, or won't, tell me what happened, and that is really difficult. How can you fight or fix what you don't know?
Anyway. Feeling quite calm I guess it's time to lay down the story for you all. You've had the emotional meltdown post, you've had the not being concerned posts, and you've had the twatty embarrassing psycho posts! But for now lets talk about how it was, how I come to be here with this.
I gave you some previous relationship history before http://adayinthelifeoftheordinarygirl.blogspot.com/2006/09/dm-part-1.html but just to refresh, I have always been the kind of girl not concerned with getting married, buying houses, having kids (I ended up with X and Y anyway but hey ho!), settling down etc. Of course I wanted to be with somebody, to love them and have them love me, but I wasn't ready to hang up my single boots just yet thank you, and as for that commitment word... well, lets just say I'd had a few struggles with it before.
As an interesting aside, I've had many conversations with a variety of friends who know me to varying degrees, about whether I have "commitment issues". I even went to see a counsellor last year to try and resolve them (lot of good that was if you ask me! Needless to say I only went once!).
Anyhoo.... I have always maintained that I don't have a problem with commitment but that I just hadn't met the right person. Many of my friends would say I was in denial about this, and for a while I began to question this belief I held. I began to wonder if this pattern of meet a man, see them for 3months, get bored, leave the man (and it was a pattern!!! in fact I always used to tell new men that!) was in fact my commitment issues at work. I began to doubt myself. To clarify, and particularly after DM, I now still say with absolute certainty that I do not have commitment issues. Yes I find it a little difficult. Yes it is not in my nature to sign myself over to somebody willy nilly. Yes I like my freedom. Yes I hate the thought of being tied down. BUT, when I am in, then I'm in. If you get my drift. That had just not happened to me before.
So, here I am... June 2005, happy to be single but of course wanting to have somebody to go out with, have fun with, have sex with, etc etc. So I joined an online dating agency as I had done the online thing before and met some nice people and had some fun (3month!) relationships. Had not long been on and I saw and contacted DM. And it's funny because when I contacted him I didn't expect him to reply. He just seemed to have a life (lots of travel, no kids, etc) that didn't seem consistent with mine (no travel, 2 kids, etc), but something about his profile made me want to say hi and wish him well. He responded, we hit it off immediately and soon emails were flying at a rate of knots.
July 2005 (the 8th if you're interested!) we met for the first time after a couple of phone calls. I remember not being sure when I first laid eyes on him, but after a couple of hours the fancying feelings were beginning to grow, and we had such a good chatty time that we extended our date and went to a late night pub. By the end of the night I had decided I really quite liked him, and the fancying was in full flow.
The rest of July proceeded happily and nicely. We did fun things. Went to open air Shakespeare, visited local castles, historic towns, went to eat, to drink, to chat. We had fun and we got to know each other. We slept together on our third date (see what a good girl I was!), and even then I was aware that for some reason I wanted to play this one differently. That I didn't want to fuck and leave. That I respected his opinion of me. In fact, for the first time in a very long time I didn't set the start for the end by saying I had a really short boredom threshold and that I would probably be gone in 3mths. So early on I didn't want to play that part anymore.
That first night I stayed over was great. And indicative of the sex life to come! The first time was a little quick (hmm hmm!), but we stopped to have a cigarette and a breather, and then went back and did it again. And it just rocked. Straight away we fitted. Even though we didn't know what buttons to press and we didn't know how far to push things and we were both a bit shy and nervous and it was first night sex basically!!! We just fitted, and it was great! It wasn't the best sex I've ever had and it wasn't the best first night sex I've ever had, but it was right and good. And the best bit, and the bit I've never had with anybody else (and in truth believe he's never had either) is that we got up in the morning and quite naturally did a bit of a rundown of the night before. What was good, what felt awkward, just how it was, and that felt even more right! And to be honest that set the scene for how we would be for the next 5mths, and after as it turned out!
So July slipped into August and we carried on what we had started. We went out and had fun, we stayed in and had more fun, we talked and laughed and fucked and generally got to know each other, and life was good! About the end of August he had to go to the US for work and I was going away with a mate for a week. And it was about this time, just before we were going to be apart for a few weeks, that he told me that he loved me. And I remember that as happy as I was I wasn't ready to hear it. In fact I tried to put it off or avoid it when I felt it was coming a few times. I just felt it was too early and he couldn't possibly mean it if he could feel he loved me after just 6 weeks. I guess that was a sign eh? But we moved through it and while he was away I missed him so much and I began to take those tentative steps into real feelings.
September came and went. We continued to bond and to grow. To feel more comfortable with each other I suppose, and the sex got better and better and we fell more and more in love. I say we because I had (have??) no reason to doubt that that was how it was. Anyone of my friends would tell you that it was completely real, tangible almost, that we were both smitten, that we were so right together, that it was obvious how much he adored me, and that I had never been like this around anyone before.
September drifted into October. But before it did I remember the wobble I had. I don't remember what started it, but I remember driving back from his house late one Friday night, and for some reason I just questioned whether I wanted to be doing this. Whether I wanted to truly step on that path that could take me to somewhere risky and dangerous, (the path that would bring me here as it happens!). And I remember having the conversations in my head: telling myself I would be stupid to walk away from all of this. That I had never felt like this about anybody, that he was everything, and so much more than I had ever dreamed off, that I ought to grow up and be grateful for the opportunity to have something so great with someone so fucking wonderful. And just like that I stepped off that cliff. And it sounds freaky to say but it was almost like I took a big breath of all that anxiety and commitment stuff I carried with me and I let it go.... just like that! And in that moment, that he never knew about (still doesn't know about), I made my commitment to him, for the long haul, for the rest of my life.
October carried on as before. We had a bit of a spat in the latter half of the month. I had been ill and then he had been ill, and we had spent more time together for a longer length than usual, and more time with X and Y, and to be honest it was all a bit much. But things settled back down again and went back to smug and fluffy. To be true to how things were, we did have the odd row during this time, the occasional cross word etc, but generally there were no major falling outs or potential problems. (Rosy coloured spectacles? I don't know! Ask him...!)
(It's funny, as I write this, I wonder... would his version of things sound the same?? Is his perception similar to mine or far removed from it??).
November started off well. We had a firework party, and he bought tons of fireworks... seriously folks, more fireworks than any party can need!! He made rocket launchers, he set up a marquee, he was really into the whole thing. And it was one of the times I remember best about him, in his winter hat lighting firework after firework long after the kids had got bored and gone inside.
And then.... mid to late November everything just stopped! Almost just like that. Really. Just. Like. That!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Weekend - part 4 - DM and the whole sorry story!!
I am not going to blather on trying to explain what happened on Sunday night, what I felt, where my head was at, what I hoped to achieve. It would take too long to find the words, and express them even though I have re-ran the whole thing in my head and out loud to my friends many times since then! Instead, I am going to let you read the whole uncensored car crash version of how I felt and how I expressed myself - with no apologies or explanations for my behaviour or my emotions. But I warn you, it isn't pretty!!
You may understand why I responded the way I did, you may not. I appreciate some of it is personal to me... the little common phrases that twang and wind up, etc, but you can get the gist of it, and you can decide for yourself my level of twattiness, despair, love, desperation, psychosis, whatever-the-hell-emotion-you-like for yourselves.... Yes I'm embarrassed, but also I am not! Because this is my life and these are my feelings, and that makes them valid and real and good. And for me, it's good to have it all down on paper and be able to look back. I guess that's pretty much all I ask of this blog!
So, it all started with this text, sent late (about 5am) Saturday night/Sunday morning, when I was in a caffeine induced state and couldn't sleep, with my head spinning about M and CM, and as always... DM!
Me - D, why don't you just tell me to fuck off and leave you alone?? Particularly after what I did with that email!
(Just to explain - I've wanted to know if he knew about the email (to explain later), and if he was still in touch with me regardless of it. I wanted to believe he knew and he was)
DM - Because if I told you to fuck off, I'd lose you forever. And what did you do with what email?
Me - You don't want me!?! Why do you care if you lose me? I'm more hassle than good.
(Just want to say, at this point, after opening the can of worms called 'Psychotic Behaviour Ex Girlfriend Email', and now realising he doesn't know about it, my brain is going fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!!!!! I do not want to go down this road...!!)
DM - I think I should be the judge of that! What email? And what did you do with it?
Me - You have been the judge of that. You moved 5000 miles away from me, but I still don't know whether we're completely done or not! Don't worry about the email thing, you obviously don't know and it obviously hasn't been an issue. That's good.
(No response from DM)
Me - 831, that doesn't change. x
(No response from DM)
Me - You've gone all quiet on me now! I hate all this electronic communication! Especially as we rocked in the communication department. Would be good to hear from you properly instead. Although I suspect I've outstayed my welcome now!
DM - We were a rocking department store! Still having troubles saying it? I may call sometime, see how you are. Take care babe. x
DM - I liked the "enigma" thing tho, I'm gonna have it tattooed on my arm! Or my arse! Should I put "Ordinary Girl was ere" under it?
(enigma = reference to recent email in which i refer to him as an enigma - will fill in more in later post!)
Me - You don't know how painful this is to say but I think you're gonna seriously have to consider letting me go soon babe. For good. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I don't think you do want anything anymore, so "enigma" -yes. But "Ordinary Girl was here"- probably not. Much as I wish I mattered that much. x
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - You want to know how I am? I'm falling apart and the DM shaped hole in my life just gets bigger and bigger no matter what I try to fill it with. And the only person I know that can fix it is happy and settled and the other side of the world and is the one person who won't fix it. Who doesn't care to fix it. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP HURTING! This is not the person I am!! Does knowing that you casually threw that away to be with someone not worth half of you make you feel better? Cos it makes me feel like shit!
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - I'm sorry. But how can you not want to lose me when you don't fucking want me! It makes no sense to me. And I'm angry at myself for still fucking caring why. I just don't know how to stop loving you and missing you and wanting you.
(A few minutes later...)
Me - Please come home.
(No response from DM)
Me - Two glasses of wine later... rant over! I mean't what I said though but I guess bottom line is, for me... I still think of you and miss you every single day, and no matter how great life is, it's never as good without you in it. For you... you probably don't give me anymore of a passing thought than you give N, or K, or S, or C, or J, and no matter how rubbish life is, it's probably better without me in it. That just hurts to know sometimes.
(No response from DM)
Me - I'm going to bed now. Just want to say one last thing! I don't want to make you feel bad I just want you to know and to believe how much I love you. And how much I wish that you loved me too. x
(No response from DM)
For the first time in a fairly long time, I cried and cried and cried that night. And the most annoying thing is no matter how far I think I've come down this fucking grieving road, it can just take one thing, just one random thing, to take me back nearly eleven months to the day when my life with him ended. And that is the biggest fucker of them all!!!!
You may understand why I responded the way I did, you may not. I appreciate some of it is personal to me... the little common phrases that twang and wind up, etc, but you can get the gist of it, and you can decide for yourself my level of twattiness, despair, love, desperation, psychosis, whatever-the-hell-emotion-you-like for yourselves.... Yes I'm embarrassed, but also I am not! Because this is my life and these are my feelings, and that makes them valid and real and good. And for me, it's good to have it all down on paper and be able to look back. I guess that's pretty much all I ask of this blog!
So, it all started with this text, sent late (about 5am) Saturday night/Sunday morning, when I was in a caffeine induced state and couldn't sleep, with my head spinning about M and CM, and as always... DM!
Me - D, why don't you just tell me to fuck off and leave you alone?? Particularly after what I did with that email!
(Just to explain - I've wanted to know if he knew about the email (to explain later), and if he was still in touch with me regardless of it. I wanted to believe he knew and he was)
DM - Because if I told you to fuck off, I'd lose you forever. And what did you do with what email?
Me - You don't want me!?! Why do you care if you lose me? I'm more hassle than good.
(Just want to say, at this point, after opening the can of worms called 'Psychotic Behaviour Ex Girlfriend Email', and now realising he doesn't know about it, my brain is going fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!!!!! I do not want to go down this road...!!)
DM - I think I should be the judge of that! What email? And what did you do with it?
Me - You have been the judge of that. You moved 5000 miles away from me, but I still don't know whether we're completely done or not! Don't worry about the email thing, you obviously don't know and it obviously hasn't been an issue. That's good.
(No response from DM)
Me - 831, that doesn't change. x
(No response from DM)
Me - You've gone all quiet on me now! I hate all this electronic communication! Especially as we rocked in the communication department. Would be good to hear from you properly instead. Although I suspect I've outstayed my welcome now!
DM - We were a rocking department store! Still having troubles saying it? I may call sometime, see how you are. Take care babe. x
DM - I liked the "enigma" thing tho, I'm gonna have it tattooed on my arm! Or my arse! Should I put "Ordinary Girl was ere" under it?
(enigma = reference to recent email in which i refer to him as an enigma - will fill in more in later post!)
Me - You don't know how painful this is to say but I think you're gonna seriously have to consider letting me go soon babe. For good. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I don't think you do want anything anymore, so "enigma" -yes. But "Ordinary Girl was here"- probably not. Much as I wish I mattered that much. x
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - You want to know how I am? I'm falling apart and the DM shaped hole in my life just gets bigger and bigger no matter what I try to fill it with. And the only person I know that can fix it is happy and settled and the other side of the world and is the one person who won't fix it. Who doesn't care to fix it. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP HURTING! This is not the person I am!! Does knowing that you casually threw that away to be with someone not worth half of you make you feel better? Cos it makes me feel like shit!
(Very closely followed by...)
Me - I'm sorry. But how can you not want to lose me when you don't fucking want me! It makes no sense to me. And I'm angry at myself for still fucking caring why. I just don't know how to stop loving you and missing you and wanting you.
(A few minutes later...)
Me - Please come home.
(No response from DM)
Me - Two glasses of wine later... rant over! I mean't what I said though but I guess bottom line is, for me... I still think of you and miss you every single day, and no matter how great life is, it's never as good without you in it. For you... you probably don't give me anymore of a passing thought than you give N, or K, or S, or C, or J, and no matter how rubbish life is, it's probably better without me in it. That just hurts to know sometimes.
(No response from DM)
Me - I'm going to bed now. Just want to say one last thing! I don't want to make you feel bad I just want you to know and to believe how much I love you. And how much I wish that you loved me too. x
(No response from DM)
For the first time in a fairly long time, I cried and cried and cried that night. And the most annoying thing is no matter how far I think I've come down this fucking grieving road, it can just take one thing, just one random thing, to take me back nearly eleven months to the day when my life with him ended. And that is the biggest fucker of them all!!!!
The Sexy Gardener and the random texts!
An amusing little aside to counteract the heavy posts of the last few days...
How funny, after the weekend I've had, (and yes there is still a little more to update!!) to have the following post happen!! I tell you, life is mad!
I have a gardener! Not because I'm rich or because I have a fabulous garden but because I'm a lazy cow who can't be bothered to cut the grass!! He comes every few weeks and cuts the grass front and back and keeps the hedge in order. He's good, he's cheap, and he also happens to be damn sexy!!!
I know him through a mutual friend and we have socialised altogether once, and if I'm in when he comes we usually chat for half an hour or so about random stuff. He reads a lot also and so we often talk about books we've read, ought to read etc. The last but one time he came he said he had read some great stuff, although it was a bit saucy in places, and he would drop it round.
He's very friendly, almost verging on flirty although it's hard to tell if its just friendliness, but although he is fucking lovely he is married, and I have every reason to believe happily so, so although I can't help myself but to flirt a little I wouldn't pursue it any further than that. So thats the situation.
On Sunday my mate text me to ask if I could ask him if he can do her garden for her. So the following text conversation with him ensued...
Me - Hi Sexy Gardener. How are you doing? Haven't had any saucy reads just lately :-) My mate N needs her garden doing. Her number is ...................... if you want to give her a ring.
Sexy Gardener - Hiya hun. Cheers 4 ur mates no. Will call 2mora. Will get u ya naughty reads asap. Catch ya soon. Me xxx... E.T.C...?!
Me - Cheers. What's E.T.C? My brain isn't working properly at the moment! x
The next morning...
Sexy Gardener - Mornin hun. Soz 4 late reply. Just got txt. It can mean wot ever u want it 2 & my brain never works. Xxx... E.T.C
Me - Hmmm. If I didn't know you were a happily married man I'd almost think you were flirting with me Sexy Gardener boy...!
Sexy Gardener - Sorry if I have caused u any offence. None meant. Just trying to spread some love. Me x
Me - No offence taken. Of course not. Wishful thinking maybe...? You spread as much love my way as you like :-) etc ...! x
Sexy Gardener - I'm flattered. U have made me blush. Ur 2 kind. Catch ya soon. Big luv & big etc. Me x
Me - Always a pleasure. Catch you soon. x. And bring me some books :-)
Now help me out ladies and gents.... was that flirting with me or not?!!!
How funny, after the weekend I've had, (and yes there is still a little more to update!!) to have the following post happen!! I tell you, life is mad!
I have a gardener! Not because I'm rich or because I have a fabulous garden but because I'm a lazy cow who can't be bothered to cut the grass!! He comes every few weeks and cuts the grass front and back and keeps the hedge in order. He's good, he's cheap, and he also happens to be damn sexy!!!
I know him through a mutual friend and we have socialised altogether once, and if I'm in when he comes we usually chat for half an hour or so about random stuff. He reads a lot also and so we often talk about books we've read, ought to read etc. The last but one time he came he said he had read some great stuff, although it was a bit saucy in places, and he would drop it round.
He's very friendly, almost verging on flirty although it's hard to tell if its just friendliness, but although he is fucking lovely he is married, and I have every reason to believe happily so, so although I can't help myself but to flirt a little I wouldn't pursue it any further than that. So thats the situation.
On Sunday my mate text me to ask if I could ask him if he can do her garden for her. So the following text conversation with him ensued...
Me - Hi Sexy Gardener. How are you doing? Haven't had any saucy reads just lately :-) My mate N needs her garden doing. Her number is ...................... if you want to give her a ring.
Sexy Gardener - Hiya hun. Cheers 4 ur mates no. Will call 2mora. Will get u ya naughty reads asap. Catch ya soon. Me xxx... E.T.C...?!
Me - Cheers. What's E.T.C? My brain isn't working properly at the moment! x
The next morning...
Sexy Gardener - Mornin hun. Soz 4 late reply. Just got txt. It can mean wot ever u want it 2 & my brain never works. Xxx... E.T.C
Me - Hmmm. If I didn't know you were a happily married man I'd almost think you were flirting with me Sexy Gardener boy...!
Sexy Gardener - Sorry if I have caused u any offence. None meant. Just trying to spread some love. Me x
Me - No offence taken. Of course not. Wishful thinking maybe...? You spread as much love my way as you like :-) etc ...! x
Sexy Gardener - I'm flattered. U have made me blush. Ur 2 kind. Catch ya soon. Big luv & big etc. Me x
Me - Always a pleasure. Catch you soon. x. And bring me some books :-)
Now help me out ladies and gents.... was that flirting with me or not?!!!
DM - part 2
So, here it is, the blog I've struggled to write so far, the topic I've avoided putting down and giving other people to share, the life that I need to make real but don't want to.
So many reasons why this is hard to write! Because I know how hard it will be to do the last 15mths justice. Because I'm afraid it will seem paltry and insignificant and predictable and that it won't convey how things were, how we were, how we've progressed and where I end up now. Because I want to keep it safe and warm and available in my head. Because I'm afraid of letting it all spill out in case I let some of it go, and I've lived with it for so long now that I don't want to let it go - it's all I have! And now I'm crying!!! One paragraph in and I'm crying!!!
I so wish I'd started this blog when I met him. That I had a record of how it all began, of how happy I was, how fulfilled and content and fluffy and smug and just plain alright with the world. I wish I had that to look back on and remember. I wish I had it to keep me warm and safe. To escape into when it gets too hard. I wish I could track that part properly. That I could treasure it and keep it close to my heart. That I could remember every single detail of every single day. That I had proof that that was how it was, that it was real, that it was true, and that it was mine!!!
And I wish I'd had this blog when that fucking marvellous world, that I had never thought I wanted or would have, came crashing down around me. That I could have moaned and wailed and spilled and swore and fallen apart on here. That I could look back now and see how far I'd come. I wish I could track that journey properly. But I didn't! And now all I have are snippets of memories, remembrances of events and feelings, and everything touched or tainted by the things that have followed. The past contaminated by the present. And I hate that. I hate that that is how it is. That that is how I am now. That I'm changed irrevocably. That I can't go back to before.
I have good days, sure I do, where I'm getting on, where I hardly think of that life, of him. Days where I'm happy and optimistic and pretty much how I used to be before I saw a world I wanted and couldn't have. More good days than bad now. Much much more!
I know I've moved on some. I know I'm out of that place where I cried and cried and cried, where I didn't care if I got out of bed in the morning or not, where I didn't eat and I didn't sleep without a bottle of wine in me, where my brain was on a perpetual loop that never fucking stopped! I know I'm not in that place anymore. And I wish I could see that written down. Could point to the difference between now and then. Because still, no matter how good the day, he's not in it. And I'm still aware of that! All these months later. And there are times when its just how it was in those long dark months, times when it's like it was yesterday, like I haven't moved on from it at all. And I don't know when that will stop. I don't know how to make it stop.
I know I have to let it go. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to face a life without him in it!!
So many reasons why this is hard to write! Because I know how hard it will be to do the last 15mths justice. Because I'm afraid it will seem paltry and insignificant and predictable and that it won't convey how things were, how we were, how we've progressed and where I end up now. Because I want to keep it safe and warm and available in my head. Because I'm afraid of letting it all spill out in case I let some of it go, and I've lived with it for so long now that I don't want to let it go - it's all I have! And now I'm crying!!! One paragraph in and I'm crying!!!
I so wish I'd started this blog when I met him. That I had a record of how it all began, of how happy I was, how fulfilled and content and fluffy and smug and just plain alright with the world. I wish I had that to look back on and remember. I wish I had it to keep me warm and safe. To escape into when it gets too hard. I wish I could track that part properly. That I could treasure it and keep it close to my heart. That I could remember every single detail of every single day. That I had proof that that was how it was, that it was real, that it was true, and that it was mine!!!
And I wish I'd had this blog when that fucking marvellous world, that I had never thought I wanted or would have, came crashing down around me. That I could have moaned and wailed and spilled and swore and fallen apart on here. That I could look back now and see how far I'd come. I wish I could track that journey properly. But I didn't! And now all I have are snippets of memories, remembrances of events and feelings, and everything touched or tainted by the things that have followed. The past contaminated by the present. And I hate that. I hate that that is how it is. That that is how I am now. That I'm changed irrevocably. That I can't go back to before.
I have good days, sure I do, where I'm getting on, where I hardly think of that life, of him. Days where I'm happy and optimistic and pretty much how I used to be before I saw a world I wanted and couldn't have. More good days than bad now. Much much more!
I know I've moved on some. I know I'm out of that place where I cried and cried and cried, where I didn't care if I got out of bed in the morning or not, where I didn't eat and I didn't sleep without a bottle of wine in me, where my brain was on a perpetual loop that never fucking stopped! I know I'm not in that place anymore. And I wish I could see that written down. Could point to the difference between now and then. Because still, no matter how good the day, he's not in it. And I'm still aware of that! All these months later. And there are times when its just how it was in those long dark months, times when it's like it was yesterday, like I haven't moved on from it at all. And I don't know when that will stop. I don't know how to make it stop.
I know I have to let it go. I don't want to let it go. I don't want to face a life without him in it!!
Weekend - part 3 - The M situation (Saturday) and ensuing head fuck
Why can't I ever just have things simple?!! As a woman am I forced to endure over-complicating, over analysing and over stressing about everything?? Is this a feminine trait or an Ordinary Girl trait? Buggered if I know!! But what I do know is that despite the fact that I'm actually very self aware, I do know myself inside and out, good and bad, sometimes emotions appear from nowhere and bite me in the ass!!
Saturday night was one of these nights...!
As I said before, the M situation has been slow but was now showing good promise after Friday. Although there are the complications of KD and CM, the situation is all good and those are not really any big deal. I'm not that bothered if KD finds out. After all it was a long long time ago and I think it would only be his fragile male ego that was bruised. But on the whole I don't think I'm ready to start a relationship yet (to be honest I'm doubtful I ever will be!), but I accept that I'm in a place where I can begin to think about such things, even if at the moment that will be a sex based relationship. So, right on track with that. Find my potential shag partner, lay down the rules, hook up again, all good!
To cut a long story short (something I'm not renowned for!!), I was out with my girlie mates Saturday night (a planned quiet night down town aiming to be back for about 11am - which turned into a rather louder night down town getting home about 2.30am!!), and bumped into M and KD. All fine, chatting normally, bit of flirting etc etc. But then the following random things happened which sent me into a confusing head spin...
M was talking again about the fact that he had told CM. And although it had bothered me a little when he told me Friday, I was amazed to find that actually it REALLY BOTHERS ME that CM knows!! And the fact it does has freaked me out a little. Why should I care? I'm not the sort of person who generally gives a monkey what people know about me or what they think about me. I'm not a private person. In fact I probably spill far more than I should to any old body who will listen. I'm not by nature the sort that would care about this. I'm also the first to hold my hands up to being a sexual being and being content with that side of me. So why do I feel so bad that CM knows? I mean really really bad!!
I think the reason may be because I like CM so much. I mean he is a really really great bloke. And I value his opinion. And I value the fact that he likes me and respects me. It means something, you know? And for some reason it really matters to me that he doesn't think I'm a slut and he doesn't lose respect for me. I don't think I'm a slut, but then I know me and I know more motivations etc. But I'm just bothered that he doesnt. I want to explain it to him for some reason. And that realisation is just weird!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a mate. A person I value. But I rarely see him and so he has no effect on my life. So why am I so pissed off at this. Why do I feel the need to see him. To tell him how it is. To make sure that it's okay. To apologise????? I've rarely felt that way about any of my actions or anybody that I know. And that thought leads me on to wondering if perhaps I like him more than I think? Or if I'm reading something into nothing. Or if I'm trying to make 2 +2 = 8? And grrrrrrr. Too many questions!!!
Also, Saturday night, M was not up for the shag. Fine in itself. I can cope with that. Especially considering the lack of sleep the night before, the fact he was out with KD etc. And sure I was a little miffed, we all want people to be desperate for us (do we? or is that just me?) , but he was flirty and attentive and generally sweet and funny and cool with me. So the lack of shag is fine (to a point!). But what I was not prepared for, what took me completely by surprise was the fact that when he was talking to some girls in the pub I got completely and utterly and insanely fucking jealous!!! Seriously. I mean I-could-have-walked-straight-over-there-and-scratched-their-fucking-eyes-out kind of jealous. I-could-have-stormed-over-and-said-he's-my-fuck-buddy-not-yours-now-get-your-skanky-arse-out-of-here kind of jealous. Seriously folks. The green eyed monster unleashed itself in my bosom that night!!
Now what the fuck is that all about?!!!! Why would I be like that? He was also getting some drunken texts from some girl. Stupid.. "I'm drunk do you want to hook up" kind of texts. Embarrassing rambling desperate texts. And he was quite open about showing me them and telling me about how she kept bothering him and wouldn't get the message etc. And I took his phone off him (willingly from him I hasten to add!), and I rang her and told her to "Get the message love, M is just not interested!". WHAT THE FUCK!!??
Now I ask you... are they the actions of a sane, mature, sexually aware woman in a new fuck buddy situation??? I'm sure they're not!! Why would I feel like that? I don't want him as a boyfriend. I set up how it's going to be. I'm the one who lay down the rules for how it's going to be. He's following these rules. This is the situation I want. So why? Why why why why why??
(I must just add that although all this psycho jealous stuff was going on in my head, I did nothing. I didn't act on it or make a big deal out of it. I just acted normally and even made light of the phone call thing - which he seemed cool with anyway. I do have SOME self control!!. I may be a crazy lady but I'm damned if any man I know is gonna know about it!)
So, after this interesting evening! With all sorts of questions and conflicting feelings running through my head. M/CM/M/CM etc etc. Fuelled by caffeine and unable to sleep, do you think I went home and tried to calm myself? Tried to sort out what I felt about who? What I should do to deal with the situation. Tried to think about it logically. Look at my options. Examine the situation. Figure out how I could reduce the confusion? That would have been the sensible thing eh? That of course was what I did... NOT!
What I did was text DM. And not only text him, but open up a can of worms I've been afraid to broach before. To set in motion a chain of events that is likely to end in the complete and utter final resolution.... that he hates me and takes himself out of my life forever!
The easy life....? I certainly don't make it so!!!
Saturday night was one of these nights...!
As I said before, the M situation has been slow but was now showing good promise after Friday. Although there are the complications of KD and CM, the situation is all good and those are not really any big deal. I'm not that bothered if KD finds out. After all it was a long long time ago and I think it would only be his fragile male ego that was bruised. But on the whole I don't think I'm ready to start a relationship yet (to be honest I'm doubtful I ever will be!), but I accept that I'm in a place where I can begin to think about such things, even if at the moment that will be a sex based relationship. So, right on track with that. Find my potential shag partner, lay down the rules, hook up again, all good!
To cut a long story short (something I'm not renowned for!!), I was out with my girlie mates Saturday night (a planned quiet night down town aiming to be back for about 11am - which turned into a rather louder night down town getting home about 2.30am!!), and bumped into M and KD. All fine, chatting normally, bit of flirting etc etc. But then the following random things happened which sent me into a confusing head spin...
M was talking again about the fact that he had told CM. And although it had bothered me a little when he told me Friday, I was amazed to find that actually it REALLY BOTHERS ME that CM knows!! And the fact it does has freaked me out a little. Why should I care? I'm not the sort of person who generally gives a monkey what people know about me or what they think about me. I'm not a private person. In fact I probably spill far more than I should to any old body who will listen. I'm not by nature the sort that would care about this. I'm also the first to hold my hands up to being a sexual being and being content with that side of me. So why do I feel so bad that CM knows? I mean really really bad!!
I think the reason may be because I like CM so much. I mean he is a really really great bloke. And I value his opinion. And I value the fact that he likes me and respects me. It means something, you know? And for some reason it really matters to me that he doesn't think I'm a slut and he doesn't lose respect for me. I don't think I'm a slut, but then I know me and I know more motivations etc. But I'm just bothered that he doesnt. I want to explain it to him for some reason. And that realisation is just weird!!!!!!!!!!!! He's a mate. A person I value. But I rarely see him and so he has no effect on my life. So why am I so pissed off at this. Why do I feel the need to see him. To tell him how it is. To make sure that it's okay. To apologise????? I've rarely felt that way about any of my actions or anybody that I know. And that thought leads me on to wondering if perhaps I like him more than I think? Or if I'm reading something into nothing. Or if I'm trying to make 2 +2 = 8? And grrrrrrr. Too many questions!!!
Also, Saturday night, M was not up for the shag. Fine in itself. I can cope with that. Especially considering the lack of sleep the night before, the fact he was out with KD etc. And sure I was a little miffed, we all want people to be desperate for us (do we? or is that just me?) , but he was flirty and attentive and generally sweet and funny and cool with me. So the lack of shag is fine (to a point!). But what I was not prepared for, what took me completely by surprise was the fact that when he was talking to some girls in the pub I got completely and utterly and insanely fucking jealous!!! Seriously. I mean I-could-have-walked-straight-over-there-and-scratched-their-fucking-eyes-out kind of jealous. I-could-have-stormed-over-and-said-he's-my-fuck-buddy-not-yours-now-get-your-skanky-arse-out-of-here kind of jealous. Seriously folks. The green eyed monster unleashed itself in my bosom that night!!
Now what the fuck is that all about?!!!! Why would I be like that? He was also getting some drunken texts from some girl. Stupid.. "I'm drunk do you want to hook up" kind of texts. Embarrassing rambling desperate texts. And he was quite open about showing me them and telling me about how she kept bothering him and wouldn't get the message etc. And I took his phone off him (willingly from him I hasten to add!), and I rang her and told her to "Get the message love, M is just not interested!". WHAT THE FUCK!!??
Now I ask you... are they the actions of a sane, mature, sexually aware woman in a new fuck buddy situation??? I'm sure they're not!! Why would I feel like that? I don't want him as a boyfriend. I set up how it's going to be. I'm the one who lay down the rules for how it's going to be. He's following these rules. This is the situation I want. So why? Why why why why why??
(I must just add that although all this psycho jealous stuff was going on in my head, I did nothing. I didn't act on it or make a big deal out of it. I just acted normally and even made light of the phone call thing - which he seemed cool with anyway. I do have SOME self control!!. I may be a crazy lady but I'm damned if any man I know is gonna know about it!)
So, after this interesting evening! With all sorts of questions and conflicting feelings running through my head. M/CM/M/CM etc etc. Fuelled by caffeine and unable to sleep, do you think I went home and tried to calm myself? Tried to sort out what I felt about who? What I should do to deal with the situation. Tried to think about it logically. Look at my options. Examine the situation. Figure out how I could reduce the confusion? That would have been the sensible thing eh? That of course was what I did... NOT!
What I did was text DM. And not only text him, but open up a can of worms I've been afraid to broach before. To set in motion a chain of events that is likely to end in the complete and utter final resolution.... that he hates me and takes himself out of my life forever!
The easy life....? I certainly don't make it so!!!
Weekend - part 2 - The M situation (Friday)
Hey all, apologies for not updating more last night, but I was busy doing the rambling, wailing and generally chitter chattering in real life and by the time I had finished that I was too tired to update here. But no fear, I am back!!
So, Friday night, after the flirty texting from M the night before, I got a text from him about 7.30pm to ask if I knew what time I would be round after Robbie as he had to be up at 3.30am for work!! After several texts he suggested and I agreed that he would go to bed early and leave the door open and I would just let myself in when I got back. This I did. I have to say here that that was actually really freaky!!!
I got round there about 12.30pm to find him fast asleep in the bed, all snuggled and warm, etc. Now, I had only been round there once, and only shagged him once, and that was a month ago!! So, I stood there not knowing quite what to do with myself! Should I strip off, clamber into bed with him and start kissing, fondling, etc? But what if he woke up all of a start and freaked out???!!! Should I stay clothed and gently try to wake him first? But what if he thought that was weird as I was round on a booty call???!!! Should I just go home and call it a night? But what if this was my chance for some really good shagging???!!! Then I realised I had been stood pondering the question for the last five minutes, and if he woke up now I would look like a real bunny boiler stood by the side of the bed watching him!!!!! Jeez, the complications!!
In the end I decided to do half measures, in that I took off my jeans and jumper but kept my underwear and vest top on, and got on top of the bed. I then woke him by speaking to him. It took him a few minutes to come round, bless him, (he had only been in bed for two hours!) and I decided I had made the right decision!
So, we are chatting about Robbie (the God), and the concert, and general shit, and I'm thinking... here we go again, all talk and no action! But then we managed to get it on :-) And whilst it was a little faster than I would have anticipated!!! (And he was mortified by that, which was a shame as it really doesn't bother me unless they can't recover sufficiently to go again, but his embarrassment kind of put the end to it, and the prospect of only 2 more hours til work waking time didnt help!!) The sex itself was fantastic actually! Despite the fact he is not over endowed, the actual feel of him sliding into me was extremely filling, and something I have been having naughty thoughts about ever since!! Damn those naughty thoughts!!
So, we both went to sleep, to be woken by the alarm and dragged out of bed at 4am! And I left feeling we were progressing with the situation, and it would just need some work to get there. And I'm willing to put the effort in to get some long term shagging rewards!! And I dont care what anybody says, its very rare that the first few times you shag you have a fantastic time, it takes time to get to know what buttons to push, etc. So, I was looking forward to trying to pick up the pace a little (to avoid that infrequent sex = too quick cumming problem), and to hopefully see him Saturday night and pick up where we left off...!!
Before we get to Saturday night, which after the good time Friday night turned out to be a major disappointment and a head fuck for twatty me!, a bit of background is probably in order... It may get a little complicated but will hopefully make sense!! And bear with me, I do have a point....!!
I have known M from drinking in the local pub for about ten years probably. You know how it is, you know a friend of a friend and so on and so on, and we have been chatty when we bump into each other etc but he would never have been what I called a friend (up until recently when he gave me his number, we went out for a drink and have now shagged!!).
In actual fact it is his friend KD that I know better, and about 8 years ago he and I started to spend much more time together. He would come round in the evening and we would talk and laugh, etc. After a couple of weeks of seeing him nearly every night, and me quite fancying the pants off him by now (exasperated by the fact he wasn't making any moves!!) the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together. BIG MISTAKE!! Now without wanting to appear shallow, it just didn't happen for me! And although up until this point I had been thinking we maybe had a potential relationship future after that night there was no way I could go there again. Now, to clarify it wasn't that he was completely awful (he had a very small willy but he was very into me, and the sex, and very keen to please in other ways etc), it was just that it wasn't right with me and him, on my part anyway!!
Now, I'm ashamed to say I didn't handle the situation very well, and instead of confronting it and speaking openly and honestly to KD about it I just chose the cowardly way and to ignore it. So I went down the route of just not being available for a while, and then when I saw him keeping it very friendly and not sexual, etc etc. To this day this is not something I am proud of, and as I still consider him to be amate of mine and genuinely like him very much, I still feel quite bad about the fact that he had to deal with knowing I was well into him, slept with him once and stopped being into him.
This situation isn't helped by the fact that I know he still has a soft spot for me, and whenever I see him about he is always really really complimentary about how I look, and says he wishes he saw more of me, etc etc. In fact this makes it a whole lot worse! Ok, so the point of this information is that he is M's best mate!! M knows how KD feels about me, he knows how I feel about KD. It's beginning to get a little complicated.
Next...! (God this all sounds so fucking bad when I type it out, and it so isnt really!) KD has a cousin, CM. Who I have also known for a long time and who I have a lot, lot, lot of respect for! He is genuinely a great bloke! For a long time he was married, then he split up with his wife, then went back to her to try again, had another baby, and has now recently split up with her again. For good (I hope, as she's a nasty piece of work!). Now although CM has never made a move on me, or voiced anything, I know he has always had a soft spot for me too. You just know these things.
There was a time many years ago (during his first split) that I considered taking this further, and there were a couple of occasions where I gave him a lift home or some such and it seemed a possibility, but I always backed out of pushing it and he never made the move. If I'm honest I suppose in the back of my mind I have always thought 'maybe one day when I'm older and done playing the field...'. And I've never been sure if I am attracted to him in that carnal way.
Keeping up?? So, to refresh... we have KD, my mate and also the one night shag from 8yrs ago that I treated badly but still has a soft spot for me. We have CM (KD's cousin), my mate who I hugely like and respect but nothing has ever happened with, who has a soft spot for me and is newly single, and finally we have M, the newly acquired fuck buddy! All of whom (excepting M in the last month) I only see if I bump into them around town, which is probably every couple of months. These 3 are tight, as friends to each other. Really good long term friends to each other. So, there's your background! Are you beginning to see any potential issues here...?
To get to present day, M expressed concerns right at the outset about hurting KD by sleeping with me, but we talked about it and decided that as we weren't going to go anywhere (other than bed!), and as it was a long time ago and I have no interest in KD in that way, we would just not tell him. I have no desire for him to be hurt or for their friendship to wobble, and I thought it was over a long time ago and while he may still have a soft spot that was all it was so it couldn't be that big a deal.
However, it seems that after the initial night M and I shagged, KD gave him a real grilling about whether anything had happened with us, which M of course denied, but KD had again been telling M how much he liked me and how hereally missed seeing me, etc etc. On top of this, M tells me on Friday that he had told CM about us, which really really bothered me for some reason. This bothering me has been part of my head fuck this weekend, which I will get on to later. So, with all of this background information, on to Saturday night....
So, Friday night, after the flirty texting from M the night before, I got a text from him about 7.30pm to ask if I knew what time I would be round after Robbie as he had to be up at 3.30am for work!! After several texts he suggested and I agreed that he would go to bed early and leave the door open and I would just let myself in when I got back. This I did. I have to say here that that was actually really freaky!!!
I got round there about 12.30pm to find him fast asleep in the bed, all snuggled and warm, etc. Now, I had only been round there once, and only shagged him once, and that was a month ago!! So, I stood there not knowing quite what to do with myself! Should I strip off, clamber into bed with him and start kissing, fondling, etc? But what if he woke up all of a start and freaked out???!!! Should I stay clothed and gently try to wake him first? But what if he thought that was weird as I was round on a booty call???!!! Should I just go home and call it a night? But what if this was my chance for some really good shagging???!!! Then I realised I had been stood pondering the question for the last five minutes, and if he woke up now I would look like a real bunny boiler stood by the side of the bed watching him!!!!! Jeez, the complications!!
In the end I decided to do half measures, in that I took off my jeans and jumper but kept my underwear and vest top on, and got on top of the bed. I then woke him by speaking to him. It took him a few minutes to come round, bless him, (he had only been in bed for two hours!) and I decided I had made the right decision!
So, we are chatting about Robbie (the God), and the concert, and general shit, and I'm thinking... here we go again, all talk and no action! But then we managed to get it on :-) And whilst it was a little faster than I would have anticipated!!! (And he was mortified by that, which was a shame as it really doesn't bother me unless they can't recover sufficiently to go again, but his embarrassment kind of put the end to it, and the prospect of only 2 more hours til work waking time didnt help!!) The sex itself was fantastic actually! Despite the fact he is not over endowed, the actual feel of him sliding into me was extremely filling, and something I have been having naughty thoughts about ever since!! Damn those naughty thoughts!!
So, we both went to sleep, to be woken by the alarm and dragged out of bed at 4am! And I left feeling we were progressing with the situation, and it would just need some work to get there. And I'm willing to put the effort in to get some long term shagging rewards!! And I dont care what anybody says, its very rare that the first few times you shag you have a fantastic time, it takes time to get to know what buttons to push, etc. So, I was looking forward to trying to pick up the pace a little (to avoid that infrequent sex = too quick cumming problem), and to hopefully see him Saturday night and pick up where we left off...!!
Before we get to Saturday night, which after the good time Friday night turned out to be a major disappointment and a head fuck for twatty me!, a bit of background is probably in order... It may get a little complicated but will hopefully make sense!! And bear with me, I do have a point....!!
I have known M from drinking in the local pub for about ten years probably. You know how it is, you know a friend of a friend and so on and so on, and we have been chatty when we bump into each other etc but he would never have been what I called a friend (up until recently when he gave me his number, we went out for a drink and have now shagged!!).
In actual fact it is his friend KD that I know better, and about 8 years ago he and I started to spend much more time together. He would come round in the evening and we would talk and laugh, etc. After a couple of weeks of seeing him nearly every night, and me quite fancying the pants off him by now (exasperated by the fact he wasn't making any moves!!) the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together. BIG MISTAKE!! Now without wanting to appear shallow, it just didn't happen for me! And although up until this point I had been thinking we maybe had a potential relationship future after that night there was no way I could go there again. Now, to clarify it wasn't that he was completely awful (he had a very small willy but he was very into me, and the sex, and very keen to please in other ways etc), it was just that it wasn't right with me and him, on my part anyway!!
Now, I'm ashamed to say I didn't handle the situation very well, and instead of confronting it and speaking openly and honestly to KD about it I just chose the cowardly way and to ignore it. So I went down the route of just not being available for a while, and then when I saw him keeping it very friendly and not sexual, etc etc. To this day this is not something I am proud of, and as I still consider him to be amate of mine and genuinely like him very much, I still feel quite bad about the fact that he had to deal with knowing I was well into him, slept with him once and stopped being into him.
This situation isn't helped by the fact that I know he still has a soft spot for me, and whenever I see him about he is always really really complimentary about how I look, and says he wishes he saw more of me, etc etc. In fact this makes it a whole lot worse! Ok, so the point of this information is that he is M's best mate!! M knows how KD feels about me, he knows how I feel about KD. It's beginning to get a little complicated.
Next...! (God this all sounds so fucking bad when I type it out, and it so isnt really!) KD has a cousin, CM. Who I have also known for a long time and who I have a lot, lot, lot of respect for! He is genuinely a great bloke! For a long time he was married, then he split up with his wife, then went back to her to try again, had another baby, and has now recently split up with her again. For good (I hope, as she's a nasty piece of work!). Now although CM has never made a move on me, or voiced anything, I know he has always had a soft spot for me too. You just know these things.
There was a time many years ago (during his first split) that I considered taking this further, and there were a couple of occasions where I gave him a lift home or some such and it seemed a possibility, but I always backed out of pushing it and he never made the move. If I'm honest I suppose in the back of my mind I have always thought 'maybe one day when I'm older and done playing the field...'. And I've never been sure if I am attracted to him in that carnal way.
Keeping up?? So, to refresh... we have KD, my mate and also the one night shag from 8yrs ago that I treated badly but still has a soft spot for me. We have CM (KD's cousin), my mate who I hugely like and respect but nothing has ever happened with, who has a soft spot for me and is newly single, and finally we have M, the newly acquired fuck buddy! All of whom (excepting M in the last month) I only see if I bump into them around town, which is probably every couple of months. These 3 are tight, as friends to each other. Really good long term friends to each other. So, there's your background! Are you beginning to see any potential issues here...?
To get to present day, M expressed concerns right at the outset about hurting KD by sleeping with me, but we talked about it and decided that as we weren't going to go anywhere (other than bed!), and as it was a long time ago and I have no interest in KD in that way, we would just not tell him. I have no desire for him to be hurt or for their friendship to wobble, and I thought it was over a long time ago and while he may still have a soft spot that was all it was so it couldn't be that big a deal.
However, it seems that after the initial night M and I shagged, KD gave him a real grilling about whether anything had happened with us, which M of course denied, but KD had again been telling M how much he liked me and how hereally missed seeing me, etc etc. On top of this, M tells me on Friday that he had told CM about us, which really really bothered me for some reason. This bothering me has been part of my head fuck this weekend, which I will get on to later. So, with all of this background information, on to Saturday night....
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Weekend - part 1 - Robbie (the God) Williams
Ok, so lets start off with Friday. As you may have gathered from my previous posts I went to see Robbie (the God) in concert at Milton Keynes on Friday. It was my third time of seeing him, having seen him first at MK Bowl and then at Knebworth on his previous tours.
It was all good, although unfortunately for you Joie he did not whisk me away in his private helicopter and force me to...... enough there, I don't need to kick start the libido with those kind of fantasies...!! Orson didn't play (Boo!!!), instead it was DJ Chris Coco (I'd never heard of him either!!) who played some good tunes but nothing to write home about. Then came Basement Jaxx, who rocked!!! I've never been a Jaxx fan, in fact I wasn't even sure if I knew any of there songs. But I did, loads, and they were fabulous. The female singers, who not only have fantastic voices but rather large bodies, really shaked their thangs, and I had a real "Go girl" kind of respect for that. I'm not a skinny thing (about a size 16, 5'5) and you know hands up to those beautiful, big, black women in this skinny arse media world we live in!! You rock Basement Jaxx!!!!
Robbie (the God) was as beautiful, as loud, as cocky, as vulnerable, as god damn horny as ever, but - (yes I am loathe to say there is a but!), I've seen him better! I know I know, shoot me now for my insolence, but he just looked shattered, and his sparkle was a little more lacklustre than usual. When I've seen him before, you can practically taste, see and feel the testosterone oozing out of him and the pheromones flying round the stadium. It just wasn't there in its usual abundance. That said, he still rocks, he is still the sexiest man currently on the planet, and I still wish he would..................!!
It was all good, although unfortunately for you Joie he did not whisk me away in his private helicopter and force me to...... enough there, I don't need to kick start the libido with those kind of fantasies...!! Orson didn't play (Boo!!!), instead it was DJ Chris Coco (I'd never heard of him either!!) who played some good tunes but nothing to write home about. Then came Basement Jaxx, who rocked!!! I've never been a Jaxx fan, in fact I wasn't even sure if I knew any of there songs. But I did, loads, and they were fabulous. The female singers, who not only have fantastic voices but rather large bodies, really shaked their thangs, and I had a real "Go girl" kind of respect for that. I'm not a skinny thing (about a size 16, 5'5) and you know hands up to those beautiful, big, black women in this skinny arse media world we live in!! You rock Basement Jaxx!!!!
Robbie (the God) was as beautiful, as loud, as cocky, as vulnerable, as god damn horny as ever, but - (yes I am loathe to say there is a but!), I've seen him better! I know I know, shoot me now for my insolence, but he just looked shattered, and his sparkle was a little more lacklustre than usual. When I've seen him before, you can practically taste, see and feel the testosterone oozing out of him and the pheromones flying round the stadium. It just wasn't there in its usual abundance. That said, he still rocks, he is still the sexiest man currently on the planet, and I still wish he would..................!!
Weekend - A brief summary!!
I have no idea where to start about this weekend! Not so much about the amount of fabulous things but more about the confusion of my head!!! So, I think I will talk about things in seperate posts, or you will have no idea what I am talking about (it's possible you may not know anyway!! ). Yes folks - I am afraid it may be very rambling and very random. Ok, so as I only have a few minutes now, X and Y playing nicely (it does happen occasionally!!!), pie in the oven and veg on the hob, I will just use this as a brief rundown of things I need to talk about...
* Robbie (the God) Williams and my adventures at his concert (probably the easiest and shortest of my ramblings to come!)
* M - the fuck buddy! Mission accomplished Friday night, not Sat night (dammit!!), and the ensuing fuck up of my head!!
* DM - of course the old faithful had to be in here! Still messing with my head, and yes I am still a twatty twat twat when it comes to him! (Still have to fill in the back detail for this - God help me and my poor keyboard!)
* Other random issues (read men) by the name of KD and CM! - both closely linked to M. ( I do like to make things complicated...!)
* Clarification that I am not living in a fantasy land, a cocky little madam (ok, occasionally), a completely nutter (again, ok, occasionally) or drop dead gorgeous!
* The multitude of questions in my head!!
* Just wanted to add - why I write this blog! (maybe another day another post!)
So, as you can see folks. Lots to cover! No idea how I am going to do it, as some are seperate but some are intertwined, so will probably be no sense at all. God help you all....!!
* Robbie (the God) Williams and my adventures at his concert (probably the easiest and shortest of my ramblings to come!)
* M - the fuck buddy! Mission accomplished Friday night, not Sat night (dammit!!), and the ensuing fuck up of my head!!
* DM - of course the old faithful had to be in here! Still messing with my head, and yes I am still a twatty twat twat when it comes to him! (Still have to fill in the back detail for this - God help me and my poor keyboard!)
* Other random issues (read men) by the name of KD and CM! - both closely linked to M. ( I do like to make things complicated...!)
* Clarification that I am not living in a fantasy land, a cocky little madam (ok, occasionally), a completely nutter (again, ok, occasionally) or drop dead gorgeous!
* The multitude of questions in my head!!
* Just wanted to add - why I write this blog! (maybe another day another post!)
So, as you can see folks. Lots to cover! No idea how I am going to do it, as some are seperate but some are intertwined, so will probably be no sense at all. God help you all....!!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A good day today - part 2
Ah bless my M!!! How funny I was just posting about him and he just text me again. Aha, I think, seeing his name in my inbox! Expect he's looking for a booty call!! And while I'm nice and clean having just got out of the bath, and while the kiddies are in bed so could very easily be tempted... the house looks like a fucking mess and I do have some standards!! (Had to buy a new hoover today as old one died last weekend, and have yet to summon up the enthusiasm to use it!!). But imagine my surprise to find this text instead...
(God you must all be so bored reading my text conversations!!! But hey, fuck you. If you don't like my blog then don't read it!)
M - If you have Sky One there's a thing on about Robbie. Just thought I'd let you know.
Me - Yeah, cheers. Don't want to watch it in case it ruins it for me.
M - Ok. I only thought of you.
Me - I know. Bless ya. x
M - It looks like you will enjoy yourself.
Me - Ssh! Don't ruin it for me. I'm tempted to put it on now :-/ Let's hope it's not the only thing I end up enjoying tomorrow :-)
M - X X X
Fucking GRRRR!!!! You got to love the anticipation of that last text!!!! Now I'm thinking... bollocks to the hoovering, get your arse down here!!
(God you must all be so bored reading my text conversations!!! But hey, fuck you. If you don't like my blog then don't read it!)
M - If you have Sky One there's a thing on about Robbie. Just thought I'd let you know.
Me - Yeah, cheers. Don't want to watch it in case it ruins it for me.
M - Ok. I only thought of you.
Me - I know. Bless ya. x
M - It looks like you will enjoy yourself.
Me - Ssh! Don't ruin it for me. I'm tempted to put it on now :-/ Let's hope it's not the only thing I end up enjoying tomorrow :-)
M - X X X
Fucking GRRRR!!!! You got to love the anticipation of that last text!!!! Now I'm thinking... bollocks to the hoovering, get your arse down here!!
A good day today - part 1
A good day today folks! Nothing major but one of those days where you think, you know, my life's not so bad!!
Off work again today, though feeling much better! Those three orgasms yesterday must have done me the world of good!! Talking of which I have only had one today (though I suspect another at bedtime might be in order!). I tell you, if I didn't work I'd do nothing all day but fiddle I'm sure!
Off to see Robbie Williams (the God) tomorrow, so yippee about that. It will be my third time of seeing him in concert and I am so looking forward to it! (Please let him pick me from the crowd to use and abuse after the show!!! - one can but dream....).
Also, fuckbuddy M is looking up. Had the following text conversation with him today...
M - Hi, how are you?
Me - Ok now. Been poorly all week with tonsilitis. Off work and bored!
M - Ah, poor you. Wish I was off work, I need a holiday bad. At least you going to have fun tomorrow seeing Robbie.
Me - Cheers. You should go on one then. Yeah, should be good. Might come back all hot and horny....
M - Well you might. And sorry for last saturday, I was in N*** staying at M***'s and sunday didn't get in til 11 from A***s. You will have to text me if you're horny when you're on your way home.
Me - Ok. Was beginning to think you were having second thoughts.
M - No, just been too hard to see you. I'm hard now thinking of you.
Me - I never know whether to believe you or not! No matter, either way I guess. Will definitely catch up this weekend.
M - What do you mean that you don't believe me or not?
Me - Whether I believe you get hard thinking about me. You don't seem to find me that hot?
M - Well what I think of is us having sex, and you turn me on thinking of you doing things to me.
Me - Well i look forward to knowing you well enough to know what things to do. Right now I'd make do with sitting on your cock for ten minutes :-)
M - That would be nice right now, and I just have to find what you like.
Me - Oh I'm easily pleased! Sadly I won't have the pleasure of you just now. Have to go and make dinner. How exciting! Make sure you're free tomorrow night.
M - Ok, well if you get fed up later let me know. Enjoy making the dinner x :-)
So, that is looking very hopeful I think. About bloody time!!
That conversation also got me thinking about what I do like, in terms of sex. So, the first list of my blog...
Things I like about men/sex!
1. Men that make noise! It doesn't have to be wailing or screaming (in fact I don't think I would like that at all!!), but men who groan, or grunt, or god love them TALK!!
2. Further from above... men that call me a dirty fucking slut while shagging me. (Only occasionally though, and only when I'm in the mood!).
3. Men that eat (and enjoy) Cream pies!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creampie_(sexual_act) God I love that! There is some female serious power issues going on with this one!!
4. Blow jobs. As above, major female power and control. Adore them!
5. Good kissers! You just can't beat that can you?!
6. Confident men, non-squeamish/prudish/uptight men.
7. Men who cum hard and fast, then recover for the slower version almost immediately.
8. Men who say.... "God I love your tits!" (Being a little paranoid about their mid thirties lack of buoyancy these days!!)
Think that's about it for now. Sure I will think of some more later :-)
Why else am I happy today?? Can't really remember why else now. Damn forgetful brain of mine! Ah well, have rambled enough for anybody today, so see you later....
Off work again today, though feeling much better! Those three orgasms yesterday must have done me the world of good!! Talking of which I have only had one today (though I suspect another at bedtime might be in order!). I tell you, if I didn't work I'd do nothing all day but fiddle I'm sure!
Off to see Robbie Williams (the God) tomorrow, so yippee about that. It will be my third time of seeing him in concert and I am so looking forward to it! (Please let him pick me from the crowd to use and abuse after the show!!! - one can but dream....).
Also, fuckbuddy M is looking up. Had the following text conversation with him today...
M - Hi, how are you?
Me - Ok now. Been poorly all week with tonsilitis. Off work and bored!
M - Ah, poor you. Wish I was off work, I need a holiday bad. At least you going to have fun tomorrow seeing Robbie.
Me - Cheers. You should go on one then. Yeah, should be good. Might come back all hot and horny....
M - Well you might. And sorry for last saturday, I was in N*** staying at M***'s and sunday didn't get in til 11 from A***s. You will have to text me if you're horny when you're on your way home.
Me - Ok. Was beginning to think you were having second thoughts.
M - No, just been too hard to see you. I'm hard now thinking of you.
Me - I never know whether to believe you or not! No matter, either way I guess. Will definitely catch up this weekend.
M - What do you mean that you don't believe me or not?
Me - Whether I believe you get hard thinking about me. You don't seem to find me that hot?
M - Well what I think of is us having sex, and you turn me on thinking of you doing things to me.
Me - Well i look forward to knowing you well enough to know what things to do. Right now I'd make do with sitting on your cock for ten minutes :-)
M - That would be nice right now, and I just have to find what you like.
Me - Oh I'm easily pleased! Sadly I won't have the pleasure of you just now. Have to go and make dinner. How exciting! Make sure you're free tomorrow night.
M - Ok, well if you get fed up later let me know. Enjoy making the dinner x :-)
So, that is looking very hopeful I think. About bloody time!!
That conversation also got me thinking about what I do like, in terms of sex. So, the first list of my blog...
Things I like about men/sex!
1. Men that make noise! It doesn't have to be wailing or screaming (in fact I don't think I would like that at all!!), but men who groan, or grunt, or god love them TALK!!
2. Further from above... men that call me a dirty fucking slut while shagging me. (Only occasionally though, and only when I'm in the mood!).
3. Men that eat (and enjoy) Cream pies!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creampie_(sexual_act) God I love that! There is some female serious power issues going on with this one!!
4. Blow jobs. As above, major female power and control. Adore them!
5. Good kissers! You just can't beat that can you?!
6. Confident men, non-squeamish/prudish/uptight men.
7. Men who cum hard and fast, then recover for the slower version almost immediately.
8. Men who say.... "God I love your tits!" (Being a little paranoid about their mid thirties lack of buoyancy these days!!)
Think that's about it for now. Sure I will think of some more later :-)
Why else am I happy today?? Can't really remember why else now. Damn forgetful brain of mine! Ah well, have rambled enough for anybody today, so see you later....
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The good, the bad and the horny!
Well, today has been an odd day. I am off work (the good) because I am poorly (the bad) and have done pretty much nothing all day but wank(the horny)!!! Isn't that strange?? I always seem hornier when I am ill, and last year when I was very very poorly, flu, tonsilitis, etc all rolled into one, I could hardly move without my clit throbbing. So, I thought I would share today's wanking material with you....
Up first, an incredibly funny blog, and fantastically erotic storytelling regarding his first experience with a Dominatrix - the link is only the final part, believe me I read it all....
http://www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com/archives/my_first_domina_2.phtml
Second wank award goes to http://www.boyontop.net/node/24 for his fantastic rendition of his threesome experience. I have to say, this was hot hot hot, and contributed nicely to the second orgasm of the day.
Finally, (yes I was insatiable today!!), a bit of porn that DM gave me - first time I've watched it - and lots of thoughts about me, him and his gay work colleague J!! Yum yum yum!
I also managed to refrain from texting him to tell him that, so pat on the back to me :-) (Though the days not over yet!!).
More later..... (hope my link things worked?!!!)
Up first, an incredibly funny blog, and fantastically erotic storytelling regarding his first experience with a Dominatrix - the link is only the final part, believe me I read it all....
http://www.icantbelieveimstillsingle.com/archives/my_first_domina_2.phtml
Second wank award goes to http://www.boyontop.net/node/24 for his fantastic rendition of his threesome experience. I have to say, this was hot hot hot, and contributed nicely to the second orgasm of the day.
Finally, (yes I was insatiable today!!), a bit of porn that DM gave me - first time I've watched it - and lots of thoughts about me, him and his gay work colleague J!! Yum yum yum!
I also managed to refrain from texting him to tell him that, so pat on the back to me :-) (Though the days not over yet!!).
More later..... (hope my link things worked?!!!)
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
DM part 1!
I still have tonsilitis, only now it's slightly worse :-( I bloody hate it!!! Went to the doctors this afternoon, because it has been painful (not so bad though) since Saturday morning, only to find they are shut for a training session??!!!! For fucks sake!!!! You can't tell me they can't have at least one doctor and nurse covering. Fuckers!! And now it's even worse and I know it will be a bad nights sleep for me again (and not because I am being seduced by a sexy stranger unfortunately!). Tonsilitis sucks!!!
So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.
At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...
Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?
Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).
When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!
My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!
Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.
Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!
So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.
Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.
MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!
PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.
So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!
I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....
So, that's my moaning over. (Actually I may mention it again at some point tonight - no promises!). I've decided to try and put down some of the DM situation, as I've mentioned him before, and to be honest because he was and still is (to a lesser degree) such an integral part of my life. Also, it's difficult to talk about odd stuff that happens now without knowing some history. Although how the fuck I write down 15 months of history, joy, hurt, and most of all confusion in a blog is quite beyond me!! Shall endeavour to do my best though.
At this point, just want to say, feel free to comment however you wish, particularly on crazy psycho stuff I have done/am likely to still do!! However, I am embarrassed to say that I must add this little word of caution.... feel free to criticise me all you wish, but be careful of criticism of the boy!!! Comments on actions may be passable, but pathetic as I am, I don't take kindly to criticism of him - unless it's by me of course, which is fine, as I don't really mean it. Denial is a wonderful thing!! So, be warned commentators...
Anybody spotting my delaying tactics yet....?
Ok, so in the beginning.... (jesus, where do I begin?).
It's probably a good idea to give you a little pre-DM flavour of me and my "romantic life", in order for you to have some kind of comparisons and hopefully to not write me off as a completely pathetic sap of a girl! I've always been what might be described as 'fickle' when it comes to love, and frankly when I was in my late teens I used to literally go through boyfriends on average once a month. (Don't get any ideas, I'm not some kind of supermodel, but back then it did seem terribly easy, and if I'm honest I probably wasn't as discerning as I could have been).
When I was 20 I met GC, started going out, moved in together, got pregnant, had Y, realised when Y was 2years old that I didn't love GC, so left 2 weeks later. This relationship, (which I look back on in wonder now - what was I thinking?!!) lasted just over 4yrs all told and is by far my longest relationship to date!
My mid twenties, I had a wonderful time of going out again, seeing people for a while and then meeting BB, who is still a fantastic person to know. We went out for about 9 months, seeing each other mainly at weekends as he was in the army, had a great time and he eventually moved in with me (after leaving the army). All was well for about 6mths but eventually we both wanted different things and called it a day. Take note, second longest relationship!!
Late twenties, more of the same. Although after a one night stand with a friend and a failed morning after pill, at 28 I acquired X into our family, which obviously impacted on my social life a little more. However, still went out with people, did some internet dating for a couple of years, with a pattern of seeing someone for about 3 months, getting bored and moving on.
Thirties roll round and you would think I would be bored of this by now, but to be honest I'm still not seeing myself as the settling down type, so am happy to continue this pattern. Met MC, who turned out to be a binge drinker (actual alcoholic), but a genuinely lovely bloke (he never drank with us, would just disappear for a few days at a time every few weeks) who I saw for just over a year but the drinking took its toll and things didnt work out. We split up for 6 months, he detoxed, got a job, straightened himself out etc and we started seeing each other again (around Xmas 2004) but it didnt work out and I finished it in April 2005. I suppose he is actually my second longest, but we had that big break so don't count it as such!
So, 18mths ago, I'm reasonably content, have recovered from the MC break up and figure I will give the internet dating thing a whirl again. Amuse myself for a few months with a new man, etc. June 2005, contacted DM (didnt expect him to contact me back actually but something about his profile), and after a few weeks of emails and a couple of phone conversations we met up in July 05 - the 8th if you're interested! So that is about it pre-DM.
Before I go any further with the post-DM stuff it is worth saying that although I sound very blase about relationships, and this does reflect how I have been, I haven't gone all these years completely unscathed. I've had some men end the relationship against my wishes (not often but it has happened), and I've been both hurt and upset to varying degrees by this. There are, however, only 2 significant men that spring to mind when I think back, and these are MW and PB.
MW was trouble from the start! I met him at a party, where he was with his partner of 13yrs (mother of his 4 children and under 30yrs old!), and it was absolute lust at first sight. We flirted, we talked (although to be honest I couldn't remember afterwards what we'd said I was so focused on looking at him!!) and we found some crappy pretext for me to give him my number. I thought it wouldn't go anywhere, but he rang the next day, we talked for hours and so began the affair that wasnt an affair. I was in touch with him for several months. By text, by email, by messenger, by phone and all we talked about was how unhappy he was and how we wanted to be together. We met a couple of times, but nothing other than one snog towards the end happened, and he actually left his partner. However, after all these months, by which time I was smitten, nothing ever came of it, and eventually he went back to her. Took me a while to get over that one, which is mad because it wasn't really anything at all - but I had invested time and emotion into him, and genuinely believed he felt that way too. Ho hum!!
PB, came a couple of years later, and was also a pretty boy. I wasn't particularly taken by him when we first met but by the end of the night I was hooked. That first night we sat in my car outside his house talking until 6am in the morning. Still makes me smile to think of him. Anyway, after a week of perfection, he confessed that despite telling me when we met he had just split up with his live-in girlfriend, they had in fact just had a row and he was still with her. Too late for me of course, again already smitten!! Cue several months of sneaking around, him seeing both of us. Saying he was going to leave her, etc. He even spent New Years Eve with me not her. She was aware after seeing his mobile phone bill which has £100 worth of calls to me on it , and was texting me etc. It all got very messy, and the whole thing culminated in me going round there at 3am on his birthday (around Jan 2003 if you're interested) and the three of us sitting in their front room forcing him to face the music. I left. He came round a couple of hours later. He stayed. She rang in the morning to see if he was at mine. I had enough and called it a day. I was absolutely gutted though, distraught for months, until I met MC in about April 2003. interestingly, they split up not long after, but me and him have never hooked up since.
So, I hope that gives you some kind of idea of me. Read into it all as you wish!!
I shall leave the post-DM stuff for another day, as I think I've bored you all quite enough now....
Monday, September 11, 2006
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Chuffed!
Have to say after a fair weekend, but not a spectacular one, I am now extremely chuffed to know that people are reading me, and willing to take the time out of their lives to comment. Really appreciate it, and it's amazing how pleased I am. Hope I continue to please :-)
So, onto the weekend, and the ever increasing stupidity of my heart led actions...
Went to a party last night at a friends, which was pretty good, although the totty was distinctly lacking I have to say!! Was fairly amused by the insane and extremely drunken actions of a female acquaintance there, who despite being 40, intelligent, pleasant and quite high up in the job world turns into a raving psycho with a few drinks inside her!! Seriously, I know I have a little (okay a fair bit) of fatal attraction style craziness but this girl is nuts!!! To explain further, she was very drunk and extremely loud and generally all over the place - annoying but no harm there. Then all of a sudden she's snogging the face off this bloke, only to stop and slap him round the face and then carry on with the snogging!! A while later, the stupid muppet only takes her upstairs (I tell you blokes, you should learn from crazy behaviour that this is not going to be worth the hassle!!!) where she promptly freaks out and begins wailing and shouting and crying and generally acting like a demented 5 year old. Luckily, the hostess and most of the party are very good friends of hers, because I tell you, one day she's gonna find herself in serious trouble! For me it was interesting in a kind of car crash fascination way, and it did lead to an interesting conversation about men and their complete lack of insight when led by their cocks! (To be fair, that isn't limited only to men!).
As to my booty call, after all the hassling on Thursday night, I text him late last night to see if he was up for a visit (to be fair it was about 3.30am) only to have no reply. Text to see whether he was about tonight to the reply he was at a mates and not sure what time he would be back. So still no joy there!! The most annoying thing is as I've only shagged him once I don't even know if it's worth the hassle. When did casual sex get to be such hassle....??!?!?!
Now on to my stupidity I guess.... But before I do I should update a little more on DM, seeing as I've mentioned him before. Actually, I've just come over completely knackered (something to do with the 5.30am bedtime this morning I expect!) and need to go to bed! And it's too long a story to do justice to tonight. I shall resume tomorrow....
So, onto the weekend, and the ever increasing stupidity of my heart led actions...
Went to a party last night at a friends, which was pretty good, although the totty was distinctly lacking I have to say!! Was fairly amused by the insane and extremely drunken actions of a female acquaintance there, who despite being 40, intelligent, pleasant and quite high up in the job world turns into a raving psycho with a few drinks inside her!! Seriously, I know I have a little (okay a fair bit) of fatal attraction style craziness but this girl is nuts!!! To explain further, she was very drunk and extremely loud and generally all over the place - annoying but no harm there. Then all of a sudden she's snogging the face off this bloke, only to stop and slap him round the face and then carry on with the snogging!! A while later, the stupid muppet only takes her upstairs (I tell you blokes, you should learn from crazy behaviour that this is not going to be worth the hassle!!!) where she promptly freaks out and begins wailing and shouting and crying and generally acting like a demented 5 year old. Luckily, the hostess and most of the party are very good friends of hers, because I tell you, one day she's gonna find herself in serious trouble! For me it was interesting in a kind of car crash fascination way, and it did lead to an interesting conversation about men and their complete lack of insight when led by their cocks! (To be fair, that isn't limited only to men!).
As to my booty call, after all the hassling on Thursday night, I text him late last night to see if he was up for a visit (to be fair it was about 3.30am) only to have no reply. Text to see whether he was about tonight to the reply he was at a mates and not sure what time he would be back. So still no joy there!! The most annoying thing is as I've only shagged him once I don't even know if it's worth the hassle. When did casual sex get to be such hassle....??!?!?!
Now on to my stupidity I guess.... But before I do I should update a little more on DM, seeing as I've mentioned him before. Actually, I've just come over completely knackered (something to do with the 5.30am bedtime this morning I expect!) and need to go to bed! And it's too long a story to do justice to tonight. I shall resume tomorrow....
Saturday, September 09, 2006
despite
Despite getting a new car, a new job and a potential new fuck buddy in the last month, I still love DM, despite the fact that he left me over 10 months ago and now lives in San Francisco with a new (boring) girlfriend.
What the fuck is wrong with me...?!!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with me...?!!!!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Rules!!
I dont know what is going on with M but the boy has been giving me ridiculously mixed signals! On Wed night he sent me one of those generic texts, "20 angels in heaven, etc etc, one reading this" to which I replied "cheers but I'm hardly an angel!!". A text conversation ensued which was geared towards me going up to him for a shag, and eventually I decided what the hell I might as well. However, after a quick prossie wash and change I went to text him and tell him I'd be round, only to realise he had texted me 15mins earlier to say I must be having a bath so he was off to bed as he had to be up at 3.30am!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr!!!!! I ask you!!
Anyway, last night he is at it again, even offering to come down and see me, whatever time I wanted as I couldnt be arsed and was expecting a friend round. After about a dozen texts between 7 and 11 to this effect I was finally beginning to lose my rag, (I don't like being hassled!) so I decided the time had come to set him straight on what it means to be a fuck buddy. Accordingly I texted him my (shortened) set of 10 rules, which I shall share with you now....
Rules for fuck buddies
1) It's sex, not a relationship! - may seem pretty obvious but you'd be amazed the number of people who try casual sex because they really want something more, in my experience this is likely to end in tears and is best to be avoided! Don't try it!
2) Always be respectful and honest - it may not be a relationship, but that doesn't give anybody a license to be disrespectful or deceitful, this will just cause bad feeling and that is never conducive to good sex!
3) It's always ok to request a booty call - that is what it is about! As long as you are discreet about it, and don't announce it over the tannoy at work, then it should be okay to ring/text for a shag whenever you feel like it.
4) It is never okay to assume you have a right to sex. Asking and hoping are completely different from expecting!! (Back to the respect card!!)
5) Never turn up without an invite! - you might not like what you find!!
6) No means no! - it's not a rejection in this situatiion, it's just a no right now. If you're that sensitive I suggest you give the whole thing a miss!
7) Desire and horniness are always attractive, desperation never is! - in line with number 6, don't pile the pressure on... it's really not a good look!
8) If you want out then say so - if you decide you want to call it a day, for whatever reason, then have the courtesy of letting the other person know, there's no need for guilt or game playing.
9) It's a mutual pleasure! - that means you should both get the same out of it.
10) It's not for everyone, and thats ok - but if it works, man it can be fucking great!!!! :-)
So, I sent hm the rules and we shall see how it goes....
Before I go, I just want to say: if you're thinking to yourself 'why bother with all this, why not just shag him and see how it goes?', then what I would say to you is this - I know that me and him will never have a relationship, in fact I don't even know if I'm fully recovered from DM enough to have relationship (although the lovely G at work could tempt me!), and as much as he says he has done "casual" before, I'm not entirely convinced that he can cope with it - in fact his behaviour so far doesn't exactly encourage me! So, I figure that its just easier to lay all the cards on the table and to make sure we are both singing from the same song sheet. I'd like to sleep with him regularly, after all sex is rarely really good sex until you've known each other a while, and what's the point of crap sex in this situation? (or any situation for that matter!!!). This way we both know where we stand and what we are up for, and it prevents confusion and possible heartache in the future.
So, we shall see what the weekend brings.... Hope you all have a good one.
Anyway, last night he is at it again, even offering to come down and see me, whatever time I wanted as I couldnt be arsed and was expecting a friend round. After about a dozen texts between 7 and 11 to this effect I was finally beginning to lose my rag, (I don't like being hassled!) so I decided the time had come to set him straight on what it means to be a fuck buddy. Accordingly I texted him my (shortened) set of 10 rules, which I shall share with you now....
Rules for fuck buddies
1) It's sex, not a relationship! - may seem pretty obvious but you'd be amazed the number of people who try casual sex because they really want something more, in my experience this is likely to end in tears and is best to be avoided! Don't try it!
2) Always be respectful and honest - it may not be a relationship, but that doesn't give anybody a license to be disrespectful or deceitful, this will just cause bad feeling and that is never conducive to good sex!
3) It's always ok to request a booty call - that is what it is about! As long as you are discreet about it, and don't announce it over the tannoy at work, then it should be okay to ring/text for a shag whenever you feel like it.
4) It is never okay to assume you have a right to sex. Asking and hoping are completely different from expecting!! (Back to the respect card!!)
5) Never turn up without an invite! - you might not like what you find!!
6) No means no! - it's not a rejection in this situatiion, it's just a no right now. If you're that sensitive I suggest you give the whole thing a miss!
7) Desire and horniness are always attractive, desperation never is! - in line with number 6, don't pile the pressure on... it's really not a good look!
8) If you want out then say so - if you decide you want to call it a day, for whatever reason, then have the courtesy of letting the other person know, there's no need for guilt or game playing.
9) It's a mutual pleasure! - that means you should both get the same out of it.
10) It's not for everyone, and thats ok - but if it works, man it can be fucking great!!!! :-)
So, I sent hm the rules and we shall see how it goes....
Before I go, I just want to say: if you're thinking to yourself 'why bother with all this, why not just shag him and see how it goes?', then what I would say to you is this - I know that me and him will never have a relationship, in fact I don't even know if I'm fully recovered from DM enough to have relationship (although the lovely G at work could tempt me!), and as much as he says he has done "casual" before, I'm not entirely convinced that he can cope with it - in fact his behaviour so far doesn't exactly encourage me! So, I figure that its just easier to lay all the cards on the table and to make sure we are both singing from the same song sheet. I'd like to sleep with him regularly, after all sex is rarely really good sex until you've known each other a while, and what's the point of crap sex in this situation? (or any situation for that matter!!!). This way we both know where we stand and what we are up for, and it prevents confusion and possible heartache in the future.
So, we shall see what the weekend brings.... Hope you all have a good one.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Booty call.... or lack of!!
Hello peeps,
Hope you all had a good weekend, mine was quite good although somewhat disappointing on the shagging situation...
As I've mentioned before, I have a potential new fuck buddy, M, who I have known (not well) for years and then ended up going out for a drink with a few weeks ago. It was ok but I think we were both aware that there wasn't really a potential future and that was cool with me. As we know the same sort of people we bumped into each other at a mutual friend's party a couple of weeks later and after he was giving it the big talk I figured I'd see whether he was all mouth and no trousers, and eventually he made the move (about 5am!!!) and we ended up shagging.
Now in terms of quality there was definite improvements to be had, but he definitely had potential for some good sex, which is all I'm looking for at the moment. However, much as people talk about casual sex, its not easy to pull it off successfully. In my experience (which trust me is not little), one person usually wants more than the other and this inevitably leads to difficulties. In fact, in all my sexual experiences I can honestly say I have only ever had one completely successful fuck buddy, C, so I appreciate the requirements, and I'm not sure M is completely up for it.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, we had a few texts Saturday night, instigated by me this time, and I eventually left my mates in the pub at about 1.30am to fulfill my booty call!! Just at the end of his road, and he texts to say his mate is coming over because he's had a massive row with his ex and wants to chat about it! Honestly, what's a girl to do??!!!!! So no booty call for me this weekend :-(
Ah well, came home, rang my friend in New Zealand, yapped for an hour to her and then watched some porn and had a wank. So not a complete waste of a Saturday night :-)
Hope you all had a good weekend, mine was quite good although somewhat disappointing on the shagging situation...
As I've mentioned before, I have a potential new fuck buddy, M, who I have known (not well) for years and then ended up going out for a drink with a few weeks ago. It was ok but I think we were both aware that there wasn't really a potential future and that was cool with me. As we know the same sort of people we bumped into each other at a mutual friend's party a couple of weeks later and after he was giving it the big talk I figured I'd see whether he was all mouth and no trousers, and eventually he made the move (about 5am!!!) and we ended up shagging.
Now in terms of quality there was definite improvements to be had, but he definitely had potential for some good sex, which is all I'm looking for at the moment. However, much as people talk about casual sex, its not easy to pull it off successfully. In my experience (which trust me is not little), one person usually wants more than the other and this inevitably leads to difficulties. In fact, in all my sexual experiences I can honestly say I have only ever had one completely successful fuck buddy, C, so I appreciate the requirements, and I'm not sure M is completely up for it.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, we had a few texts Saturday night, instigated by me this time, and I eventually left my mates in the pub at about 1.30am to fulfill my booty call!! Just at the end of his road, and he texts to say his mate is coming over because he's had a massive row with his ex and wants to chat about it! Honestly, what's a girl to do??!!!!! So no booty call for me this weekend :-(
Ah well, came home, rang my friend in New Zealand, yapped for an hour to her and then watched some porn and had a wank. So not a complete waste of a Saturday night :-)
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