Treading water...

... is what I am in doing in general at the moment, and most likely what I will be doing for the next few years as well.

The energy required to raise two children singlehandedly, whilst working full time and intermittent studying and socialising for the last 14-15yrs has taken it's toll and I am currently in cruise mode. That is fine. I love my children. I love my job. I have achieved house and career movement in the last few years. In general, my life is just fine.

Fine can, of course, only last so long. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, and at the moment I opt for nothing, because if I chose everything I couldn't cope. I want a one true love again. I want to be consumed with a person again. I want the space in my life to give myself, fully.

I don't have that space right now. I don't have the energy right now. I don't have the circumstances right now. So, at the moment I am treading water, letting life just pass me by whilst my children grow, my bank account becomes less hazardous and I continue to heal emotionally from the trauma of DM. I am happy to tread water. For once, I am long term happy with calm.

For now at least.