Sometimes, only sometimes...

...I wish I was married. Or rather, I wish I believed that marriage was possible for me. Or rather, if I'm completely, and blatantly honest, I wish I was married to him.

I don't think I am a cynical or negative person, though I acknowledge I have my moments, like anybody else, but I think I am a realist. And marriage, it would seem, is not my destiny - if you believe in destiny at all.

I like to think I may find love again, although my gut tells me it probably won't be for another few years yet, and I like to think I won't spend my life alone. But marriage, that I can never truly believe, I can never really, truly imagine for me.

I did believe once, which surprised me, and the very fact that once upon a few years ago I could genuinely see it, after years of never believing that I would, may, perversely, be the problem.

Despite the fact that I never saw myself getting married, and I was just fine with that, I found someone that I knew that I would vow to spend my life with, but as we all know far too well, that didn't exactly pan out for me. So now, instead of feeling that because I've changed my mind once before it may be possible again, instead I feel that because of that I am even less likely to walk down the proverbial aisle. It's difficult to explain, but I guess I promised myself to him, and even though that was nothing more than a promise made to myself, it was more value than any ceremony could have had. And I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break that promise, regardless of any love that follows.

It's an odd way to feel. And sometimes, only sometimes, it makes me sad.