Fucker!

About 8,30pm last night I had a text from DM:

I'm going to be staying in Paris an extra night so don't make any plans for me for Saturday night. Will call and explain as soon as I can.

UNFUCKINGBELIEVEABLE!! But rather than jump the gun and imagine it's because he actually can't be arsed to even make the effort to see me at all, and that it's not something that's happened, I replied:

Is everything ok? So I wont get to see you at all then?

No, will call soon.

Great!

Lily and Meg were due to arrive shortly to watch the start of BB, and despite some head shaking, I was relatively calm about it. I had been toying (very gently) with the idea of cancelling anyway, on the basis of "what's the point?". Anytime I have seen him/spoken with him/contacted him before it is pretty much always on the basis that I believe we have a chance at a future. My calmness was also helped by the fact that he was happy to be back in the country for a week before planning to see me, which had kind of made me realise that 'a future' wasn't going to happen. But despite considering cancelling, its the same old story of 'what if', so I'd decided to meet him on Saturday night as planned.

So BB was good, a pleasant distraction, and I really didn't dwell on the whole text/DM situation too much for the entire evening.

However...!

This morning I have woken from an entire night of dreams of screaming and crying. And I am filled with fucking rage. Shouting at the kids, shouting at the telly, shouting at the cat. Pure frustration I think. Rage and tears. Less rage now, more tears.

I spent all night dreaming that I was in America, that it was my last day, and that because I hadnt replied to his text he was ignoring me and in fact making plans to see someone else. I don't remember any more specifics other than an awful lot of me shouting at him, and him just not listening. Which I think just about sums it up. I feel like he never fucking hears me!! And that if I could just do this, or just do that, or whatever. And now I'm left with this image of him with someone new, someone better.

So I woke in this mood, feeling like I've spent the night shouting and screaming and crying, and then I got mad, thinking "I mean so fucking little he can't even manage to see me for one evening". All this time, all this energy and he cant spare one fucking evening!! I really do mean nothing to him. He really doesn't give a fucking shit.

And then, stupidly!!! I thought, 'perhaps he's in Paris longer for a job interview, perhaps he's making plans to come back to me permanently and keeping it a surprise." And for a split second it seemed possible. Until I realise how fucking pathetic it is to even have that thought. And it pisses me off that I could even consider that, even for a split second, when it's blatantly obvious that all these months when I've believed in him, and believed that if I could just make him see that I'm serious, that I'm committed, then he'll let those barriers down and let me in, when the reality is just that he doesn't give a shit. He just doesn't want it. He just doesn't want me.

And when is that going to stop hurting this bad?!!