Sex!

Well, as you all seem so interested, I thought I had better hold good my promise to blog on my opinions on sex! Not love, not "making love", not sex that occurs in long-term (or even short-term) relationships, but sex of the other varieties...

I have spoken about fuck buddies before, and have even drawn up my "rules for fuck buddies": (A day in the life of the ordinary girl: Rules!!) But I think it's important to expand on my views a little, or to attempt make it clearer anyway.

Fuck buddies are about sex. That's it really! It's about sex!!! Two people, who for whatever reason, want to fuck, and have found each other to fulfill that in themselves. Yes, maybe a glass of wine before. Yes, maybe a chat for a bit after. But no "just calling to see how you are doing". No going out for dinner. No trips to the cinema/pub/theatre. No building any kind of relationship that exists outside the bedroom (or other sexual arena). Of course honesty, mutual liking and respect are important, but it's not about the future, it's not about feelings, it's not about anything other than sex!! Have I made that clear?!!

And although that sounds very simple, don't get me wrong, I would argue that for most people it is not that easy. True fuck buddies are not easy to find, and not easy to keep. It requires a pretty exact match of two people's situations, timings, and emotions to be truly successful. One party can absolutely NOT want more than the other or it is not a genuine match of desire, and that mismatch is what stores up problems for the future.

As a matter of interest, and perhaps to add credence to my argument, I can cite my own experience. I have had many (many, many, many) sexual relationships. Don't ask me how many because actually I don't know! Why would I? Some of these have been one nighters, some for a short period of time, some for a longer period of time, some for a long, long time. Some of them have been awful, the majority have been good, some have been fantastic. Most have been ended by me but some have been ended by others, either mutually or occasionally not.

Anyway, out of all these varying and numerous sexual encounters, I have only ever managed to have 1, (yes I said 1!!) successful fuck buddy arrangement. An arrangement that we were both completely cool with, and that we both wanted the exact same thing out of. And it was great. Very freeing. Very undemanding. Very respectful. Very equal.

It lasted a few months until one of our situations changed and then it ended. No recriminations, no hurt feelings, no need for major discussion, just an acknowledgement of moving on. I still see him occasionally, we still flirt, he would probably be happy to go back to our arrangement (he has expressed that recently), but I am in a different place now, as is he, and I know it wouldn't work. So what would be the point?

Now,on to friends with benefits (FWB's). Although similar, this is NOT the same as a fuck buddy! Fuck buddies are about sex (they are called FUCK buddies you know!), FWB's are about FRIENDS, but with the added benefit of sex sometimes being thrown in.

So, feel free to do the ringing for a chat, the cinemas/pubs/clubs/theatres, building a friendship with this person. Because actually that is what this is primarily about. Acknowledging a mutual like for this person, a desire to spend some time with them, a wish to get to know them and to build a friendship for the future. And if sometimes after these mutually enjoyable friend times you happen to hit the sack and get raunchy then all well and good!!

However, and there is always a however, although FWB's are not the same as fuck buddies, there are some similarities. Although you may wish to have this person in your life as a friend, we can assume that you don't want to have a relationship with them (or you would!), so it is important to remember that. Again, it has to be an EQUAL relationship, one party can't want more than the other.

The sex is just an added benefit to what is already great, it is not the basis for your relationship, nor the be all and end all of it. It's the icing on the cake I guess, but you have to want the cake in the first place, and you have to be happy to have the cake without the icing! If you shag every time you see each other then I'd say warning bells should be ringing. And I'd argue it would be completely inappropriate to booty call an FWB, because that isn't the purpose of your relationship, it's an occasional result.

In some ways, this is harder to maintain than the fuck buddy thing. Because it involves some blurring of edges. It can get hazy and I'd say can be more likely to lead into dissatisfaction from one party, without the somewhat harsh rules of the FB situations to keep it in check. Again, it's all about balance, and all about mutual desires and expectations for the future.

That said, I have maintained a couple of good FWB situations over the years, but the benefits have been most definitely an incidental part of what has actually been very very good friendships. They take time, most definitely, in order to progress to being friends enough to cope with the benefits, and then to carry that friendship through when the time comes that the benefits are no longer appropriate.

Finally, just to cover casual sex... Take note of the word CASUAL! (You know, these things are named these ways for a reason!!!) Casual sex is where you probably know someone, (maybe you don't but in my world fucking strangers is just that, fucking strangers!), and you may have slept with them before, you may not. You may be friends, you may not. And for whatever reasons, at some point you end up shagging the brains out of each other. That's it! You might do it again a few weeks/months/years later when similar circumstances arrive, you might not. But if you do then it's a completely random occasion that 'just happens'. There is no forethought to it and there are no recriminations from it.

If it gets to be regular casual sex then depending on your relationship it might turn into a FWB or a FB situation, but the fundamental difference, I would argue, is that there isn't any 'planning' to it, either directly or indirectly. It doesn't have an ending or a beginning but is just a bunch of random and casual sexual contacts.

I have had no end of casual sex encounters. Some of them wonderful, some disappointing, some of them expected, but a lot of them completely surprising and all the better for being so unexpected. Some of them have been one offs, a lot of them have been repeated a few times. And if you accept casual sex for just as it is then this is perhaps the easiest to achieve, although in terms of filling a sexual gap on regular basis, the most dissatisfying. Again, it's all about knowing what situation you are in and accepting that for what it is, without wanting more. Sometimes you can misjudge it,or be misled by the other party, and it's shit, but that's okay. Just put it down to experience and be more careful in the future!

The bottom line of all the above situations... the one most important and fundamental aspect of any successful sex based relationship... is that it has to be mutually wanted, mutually fulfilling, and desired no more and no less by either party. It should of course always be respectful, honest and fun! If it's not, then potentially it results in a situation where one person is getting more than the other,which by default means one person is getting less than the other! And this leads to false hopes, feelings of rejection, resentment and the sense that somehow you have been 'used' or 'tricked' in some way. If you're happy to get yourself into a situation like that then go ahead, just don't say I didn't tell you so!!

Oh, one final point... In my experience, rarely do any of the above situations develop into "proper" relationships. It may happen, but not often, so bear that in mind and start as you mean to go on!!!

So, thats about it really!! Sex as seen by the Ordinary Girl!! I am sure there are plenty of people who would disagree with my "definitions", and that's fine, go ahead. I have nothing to prove and nothing to defend, it is merely my opinion after all. But trust me, I know what I'm talking about! ;-)