Fighting spirit

Of course you're still reading it? Of course?? I'm sorry but I don't see any "of course" about it?? And it amazes me that you can't see why I don't see that! Yes, I wanted you to read it, you're right, that is why I sent you the link, and yes I guess I wanted to still be connected to you in some way. But that is because I wanted it to make a difference to how we are now, because I wanted it to change us. As well as writing for a whole lot of reasons not connected to you. Do I want you to keep on reading it?? If it's not going to make a difference then I don't see why you would?

And actually, texting you had nothing at all to do with my blog. I texted you because I missed you, and because I wanted you to know that at that point in time all I wanted was to be hugged close to you somewhere warm and dark. Also, because I wanted you to know that if something happens to you its important to me that I would get to know about it. That was why I texted you. I don't see what that has to do with my blog, or how that helps me know you're reading it??? The two things aren't inter-related at all.

Two reasons you read eh? Because I'm writing about you and "what little I know about you now". Actually I don't write about you, because you're right, I don't know anything at all about your life now. (And yeah, I did get the single reference you dropped in by the way. Clever. And because you're no doubt interested to know, yes it bugs me that I want to know whether you've finished with prissy Paula or not. And yes it bugs me that it still makes me feel physically sick to think of you with somebody else. And yes it bugs me that right now I want to shake you, slap your face and fuck you, hard. All at the same time. Are you glad to know that?!). So, as I said, I don't write about you and your life, I write about me, and how I feel about you, about me, about our past, about my present, about my future. So, why would you be interested in that??

And you care about what happens to me??? Yeah, you care so much that you came into my life, led me to believe that you were here to stay, and then fucked off without any explanation. But yet you're still here!! And what are you going to do if something bad happens to me?? If I'm not alright?? Come back and make it all better? You should think long and hard about that, because one day you might no longer have the chance...

Or are you really here for another reason altogether?? I try to "put down what you're doing here"? I'm sure I don't! I don't criticise you being here, but I question what you're doing here, because you know, if I'm to believe what you tell yourself, I actually don't have a fucking clue why you're here!! Maybe because you can't actually let yourself not be?? How many times a day do you think about me Darren?? Honestly, how many times...? Because I would put money on the fact you can count it by the day! For once in your life, cut the fucking crap and take a long hard look at yourself!! Because frankly, I'm not buying either of your reasons at the moment.

And, of course, I'm the one that keeps this going! You know, I wonder if you really believe this?? Why is it in my hands to stop it? You're the one that wanted out! Why haven't you stopped it once and for all? You know you could have done a long long time ago!!

Yes I write my blog, and yes I sent you the link, but you choose to read it! And often, rather than not I would wager. Not just an occasional weekly check in eh? No, I'm sure not!! How many times have you checked in today Darren? Who are you trying to kid that this is just me that keeps this going?!! And yes I do text you (very very rarely now), and you could ignore them too, but instead you choose to reply saying you didn't get it and did I put a +1 at the front of the number. Thereby making sure I have the number!! But of course, it's just me keeping this going. You have no part in it at all! I mean, you wouldn't dream of posting about my kids on here, or song links that imply I just need to wait for you and you'll come back one day. Oh no, not you! You're too busy having a ball trying to get on with your life, right?

And don't patronise me Darren, you should know me better than that. It doesn't suit you to sound so smug in the knowledge that I'll always want you in my life. Though of course that has been how I have felt, and it may be how I feel again. I don't know. But what your comment tells me more than anything, is that I'm not the only one in denial here!! You badly underestimated me a long time ago, you might want to learn from that! Because you can kid yourself all you like, but you should know better than to think you can kid me. I may not know you as well as I thought, but then again, maybe I do still know you better than you know yourself...!

I'm not going to ask you to stop reading. I'm not going to give you the option of making it easy for you. Decide what you will. Let your stubborn Taurean streak do it's best or it's worse. I'm not going to stop blogging, and I'm strong enough to cope with whatever decision you make. So, you know what... do what the fuck you like! I'm done!