Final final thought

From: OGmail
Sent: 13 March 2009 16:38:20
To: DMmail

Me again! Bored of me yet? Writing the injunction as we speak? Never fear, I will soon be gone and you will be free of my inane ramblings! I just need to say what I need to say. Why? Must be a glutton for punishment and self humiliation! But hey, you can start your married life with a clean slate!

I've had this waiting for some time now, and never got round to sending it. Not least because it's about 7 texts long! But now seems the right time. Yes, it's flowery, and in your eyes probably over dramatic, and to be honest, to me at least, slightly pathetic, but I can't say it any other way - believe me I've tried. So, instead, I'll just bite the bullet and get on with it!

All I ask is that you truly hear it! We've discussed my hearing what you don't say, but equally you don't hear what I do say. I say "I love you", you hear "she thinks she loves me, but what does she know". Dont. Just hear! Please.

You've asked before how I am, and to answer, and to save you ever having to ask again, here's the best way I can explain it...

A long time ago, when we were together, it was like you opened something inside of me that made the world a brighter and better place, and me a better and braver person than I thought possible. Then you left, and doing so, you took that piece of me with you. And I was left with this gaping hole filled with nothing but pain and hurt, and for such a long, long time that was how it was - a constant, raging, awful awful ache. Now, many many months on, that hurt has gone, mostly, but that emptiness in me remains.

But over time, its almost like a glass wall has slowly built itself around the space, keeping me getting up in the morning, going to work, parenting, socialising, moving forwards, and stopping anybody really noticing. I haven't spent the last 3yrs moping around like some pathetic creature, but yet, deep in me, the space remains. And whilst that wall keeps me functioning most of the time, it also stops anything from really, really touching me these days. The good and the bad. Whatever I do, whatever I see, whatever I live, a part of me is always empty. The part you somehow gave me is always missing. You are always missing.

I don't blame you for that, you weren't to know. Hell, I didn't even know until it was too late, and it's only relatively recently that I've been able to recognise it, let alone articulate it. And please, please don't think it's self pitying, because much as I may sound like a mills and boon twat, you should know me better than that. I don't spend my days sobbing into my hanky or bemoaning my fate, but if I'm honest none of it is ever quite right without you.

I love you and you alone. I miss you, always. It just is what it is.

So, in answer to your question, that is now, and probably always if I'm honest, who and how I will be. And that is why, you, my dearest, most infuriating, darling fucking idiot man, will always be my one true love. Even if that isn't enough.

That said, its time to let go. I've realised the last few days that what I've needed from you for me to let go, is knowing you have. I guess marrying someone else proves that pretty categorically. As for moving on, who knows, if I (heaven forbid) lost one of the children, I wouldn't be expected to move on, I'd just learn to live with it. That's what I have to do now, figure out who this different person is and learn to live with me and without you.

I do wish you well in your marriage, and your life, much as you may find that hard to believe. May it always be an A5 not an A1.

Good luck to both of us it seems!
With love, as always xxx