Bloggiversary!

Today is my 3 year anniversary of blogging! It may have been a somewhat haphazard 3 years, admittedly, but it's 3 years nonetheless! Quite an achievement for someone with the staying power of a gnat!

The help

I used to have a very sexy gardener, which was fabulously entertaining for the lust interest cells, and came to a pretty satisfactory conclusion!

This fine figure of manhood shaped help has been sadly lacking in the OG abode of late, but today, right now, hallelujah! I officially have the HOTTEST window cleaner in town. I expect the window cleaning fund is going to be a priority from now...

I feel like such a desperate housewife!

Please

Think I'll have a Zachary Levi lookalike for my next boyfriend please!

Talking of 'next boyfriends', I've finally got round to making use of my free 72hrs online dating subscription, and after trawling through literally hundreds of profiles, yesterday I actually emailed one who winked me a while ago and whose photos are adorable (in my eyes anyway!). Yes, I am shallow enough for looks to matter! Anyway, typically, he hasn't logged in since, and not for five days, so I've probably missed the boat there! We'll see I guess...

Chugging along

Well, things are pottering on quite nicely at the moment. Nothing of particular excitement to report unfortunately, but equally it's quite nice to have some emotional calm time. That said, work is hectic at the moment, especially with the school holidays, which means operating a service for the next six weeks on just 2 staff! However, as I'm having over 3 weeks off in total I can't really complain ;-)

Baby boy

Well, well, well! As of Sunday just gone, my baby boy Y is 16!!!!! I am not sure how in God's name that has happened.

So, the weekend has been spent at quite the worst tribute band in the world (Take That if you were wondering!) on Friday, which was nothing to do with Y's b'day by the way, then a weekend of family, indoor barbecue, outdoor waterfight, and lots of presents and yummy food.

And the birthday must have made a difference as I got home from work today to find he'd had a bath, without even a request let alone the usual threat! Maybe time's are changing.

Too tired to fill in any more, especially as am posting using X's 9th birthday (June) new DSi!

Back to normality

Calm is restored. I really don't need the shit, so fuck it. I'm changing my number and that is that!

Drive...

...I need to.

I'm calmer, but not ready to update all. In fact, I don't know how to. I feel like I can't describe myself properly.

I need to drive. Process it all in motion.

Actually, I need to just let it all go. I just don't know how.

Day of rest

I am off work today, and boy do I need it! Have had two late nights, with the heat meaning poor sleep, and had to get up to do the usual hoisting to work. I am absolutely shattered now and fully intend to make use of my sofa when I've finished here.

So, the last week has been a bit exciting, if also emotionally draining, brought mostly about by a new internet interaction in the form of Rugger Bugger! We have been emailing loads, and I've thoroughly enjoyed it, as he really makes me laugh - particularly in emails. Since then we've chatted on the phone - too long really! - my bill will be horrendous, and have talked about anything and everything, from the state of the world to creampies to the decline (in his opinion - blasphemy in mine) of Big Brother. It's been really good to have some new, harmless distraction and focus, and I'm enjoying getting to know someone completely random in a different way. I'm all about loving the random and my life has been distinctly lacking for a long time.

I have considered if it's going to go anywhere further - the next step naturally would be to meet etc, but to be honest I don't think that's going to happen. We didn't meet on a dating site, so that certainly wasn't my intention in the first place, and he's not that local so would need organising my end, and whilst it's all great to do the flirting and the chatting, quite obviously from what's yet to come, it's probably not a good idea to go down that road for me. It's great though! And is definite inspiration for the future!

So, the reason for caution. As ever, the one and only...

I had a text from DM late one night last week, saying "I am on my way back", which was the first contact since our "final" (I say somewhat ironically) communication back in March.

It was somewhat unexpected, and as always, sent me into a whole heap of hope and a general tizzy. I replied simply with "Why?", to try and gauge what, if anything, I should be reading into it - particularly after we'd talked and emailed so much about the fact that I always read far too much into what he says!! No reply came for the whole of the next day, so eventually I text him again asking why he bothered texting me if he wasn't going to reply to my answer. He replied with "That's how I thought it goes now! You wanted to know when I was in the UK."

What?!?! I am fucking sure I didn't, and at this point, obviously I'm reading there is no hidden and secret desire to see me. So, in the interest of the benefit of the doubt, and good Karma, and sending out to the universe what you want back and all that malarkey, I thought - okay, there's obviously been a misunderstanding here, as I had asked him to send me one single text to let me know the wedding had gone ahead, so I responded "No, I didn't. You misread me. I wanted to know you had gone through with the wedding. You did. So if you're just visiting as a happily married man it has nothing to do with me know.", and that was that, and I tried to forget it came.

Bizarrely, since finding out in March that he was getting married, I had deliberately not gone out of my way to use Google for the purpose for which it was created - which is to snoop round and find pictures of girlfriends of ex loves of lives! Which was not an easy thing for me, but I held fast and stuck to my guns, despite the temptation.

However, on the Monday before this text, I had succumbed to the power of knowledge and had a fish around, which resulted in a few of the actual wedding pictures, and a bit of knowledge where she works etc. And actually, although there was a level of nausea at the sight of it (not least because it was far cheesier than I would have had him down for!), it was actually a good thing for me. She is a complete innocent party in this I know, but I'm human, and I'm female and it would have pissed me off if she had been a complete minger, or a complete beauty. She is neither - she is younger, prettier and thinner than I am, but not so much so that I felt pissed off or upset, and she has a really cool, positive job, that made me quite like her. So, after all this, I decided to wish them well (obviously only in the spirit of the universe, I'm not Mother Theresa) and work really hard at moving forward in my own life.

So, that was the backdrop to the text last Thursday - it arrived 3 days after these great personal revolutions of mine! That said, after this little bout of contact, I was kind of "same old, same old" about it all, and had the nice little distraction of RB to keep some sparkle in my life, so was just getting on with getting on.

So after all this, I was texting RB on Wednesday evening, having a nice bit of banter, alongside some updates to the girls, when another text comes in. "I take it you don't want to see me then?" What the fuck?!! Seriously, what the fuck??!!!!

And I know, as most of my friends will now tell me, that I really should just ignore it. Just tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, but my logical and reasoning brain which whispers all those things to me, and would be shouting them to anybody else in this situation, just kicks out and my heart kicks in. But I'm proud of myself, for trying to remain strong, and not just calling him a cunt - and I know it's partly because there is still that tiny glimmer of hope, but also because I really, really don't want to leave things with me thinking badly of him. It will kind of make a mockery of all my feelings for him if I did. So, I remain calm, I text what I feel "What would be the point DM? Seeing you isn't going to change anything is it? I need to accept that you've made your choice and it wasn't me". There, clear, concise, but not nasty. Just honest. What would be the point?

A few minutes later, he replies " I don't remember anything about having to stop caring about other people! Yet again I under estimate you. Take care OG, I mean what I say." Again, I say, what the fuck?! The first bit really fucking riled me!! How dare he say this is about caring, and imply that I don't care, or am being petty for not letting him care. The statement should be 'I don't remember anything about saying you were allowed to fucking care about me!! If you fucking cared about me you wouldn't have gone off and left me, married someone else, and now be fucking messing with my head!!! We acknowledged I read too much into that, you fucking know that, so why keep texting me!' As for the rest of the statement, I don't even know what he means, to be honest. So, I'm spitting - actually, not angry, more frustrated. I just don't know what he wants from me!!

And I'm doing my bit, best as I can, to fucking leave it all behind me - much as that still fucking hurts! But despite all that, again I text as best I can, not wanting to make it about him being a bad person, because I truly believe he doesn't mean to hurt me, he just can't go more than 3 or 4 months, without being in touch. In fact, since I moved, he has been the one to contact me: mutual contact in June 08, contact from him (ignored by me) in Nov, contact from me which he didnt get so doesn't count in Jan, then contact from him again in February, then in March, and now in fucking June!

Seriously, I'M the one considering relationship counselling?! Where is the wife in all this? But I know, actually know, that in his head he will manage to reason it out somehow, and genuinely convince himself that there is nothing in a simple text to me. BULLSHIT!! After all that's gone before? No contact from him is as simple as he presents it. And he knows that's how I think!!

Okay, now breathe!

So, as I was saying, before I got detracted on a rant. I give him the calm version of calling and screaming in frustration at him (seriously, nobody in the world affects me like he does!) - though thinking about it, perhaps that emotional trigger is what made the sex so hot!! - anyway, I replied "It's nothing to do with not caring! I'll always care, against my better judgement. I just can't keep doing this. Even the thought of seeing you wearing a wedding ring makes me feel physically sick! and we'd have a great time, as always, and then you'd leave and I'm left gutted again. So you don't get to be my friend. I'm sorry but I just can't. And if you cared you'd understand that." Enough said.

So my evening went on, I chatted to RB til 3am, which was cool, and went to bed both positive and resolved. Job done! You'd think anyway.

Yesterday, I was absolutely knackered, got up, took car to garage for 2 new tyres (after getting a flat at work on Wed and running around like a blue arsed fly to get it sorted, before being rescued by a very fit breakdown mechanic!), and on the way back from the garage, heading to work, I thought I saw him driving the opposite way. And my heart just cracked right down the middle. Again. Again.

I'm so sick of it. And now I'm crying because he's just text, and I know, KNOW, that this is not healthy, and not normal, and I swear I am going fucking crazy, and I don't know how to make it stop!!

Chaos

I have sooo much to blog. Good, bad, and pretty ugly in some ways. Did plan to do so tonight, but Y is sat behind me in his room (laptop still bust and work laptop not arrived!), scowling at me! And sighing dramatically every 30seconds. So I just can't concentrate.

To remind me, therefore...

Rather random, and somewhat exciting Rugger Bugger or RB as he'll probably now be known situation, along with frustration and angst over DM - as usual. It's been like the Yin and Yang of emotions for me these last few days!